Throwing it Out There

It's Thursday? Really?  Already?  Wow, how my weeks are flying by.  Before I get started on sharing my exciting "non weight loss" news, I have to tell you that I'm renaming Thursday.  I had previously named the topic for Thursday "Throw it Down".  After reading it and re-reading it, I've decided that it sounds too negative.  From now on, Thursdays will be known as Throw It Out There Thursdays.  That aligns more with me discussing things that aren't weight-loss related, without having automatic negativity plaguing it.  Yes, there is a good chance that many Thursdays will be a vent or rant - but not all of them.

Today, for example is not a vent or rant day.  Today is a good news day - because it's been a good news week!!  I will start with Grover, because he's been the highlight of my week thus far.  I posted a short blurb on Tuesday that Grover managed to get through Monday without any problems.  He did what he was asked, he completed all of this work, and he was respectful to the teachers and staff.  He was so excited when I got home - and I cried...because I was equally as excited and so happy for him.  Monday was a nerve racking day because I received no email, no correspondence...nothing from his school all day long.  That is very uncommon.  I stuck with the motto "no news is good news" but had sweaty palms all the way home to find out the result of his day.  When I found out the good news, I upheld my end of the bargain and Grover spent the entire evening right by my side.  He chatted with me while I worked, he sat next to me at dinner, he snuggled with me on the couch, and he helped me make dessert for the family.  He went to bed that night with a twinkle in his eye - and it was priceless.

Tuesday morning, I wrote Grover another card to take to school.  One side of the card read "I will use my coping skills.  I can do this!"  The other side read "my mom is so proud of me when I make good choices".  Tuesday, I did receive an email from his therapist - I was nervous opening it - but it was to tell me how WONDERFUL Grover had been.  YAY!!!!  It was also to tell me that they've decided to move Grover to the 5th-7th grade class.  I was a little nervous about how he might accept the change, but he was excited about it.  Another great moment when I got home as we cheered his success.

Yesterday, another card:  "I will show my new teacher how well I can behave" and "I love making my mom happy, it makes me very happy too".  When I got home yesterday, I had not received an email.  My palms were sweaty again, my heart was racing....I walk in and was greeted by a note from his new teacher...uh oh.  He looked at me, then looked at the ground - my heart sank.  I opened the note...he received his FIRST EVER 100% success for the day!! WOO HOO...WHOOPEEE....followed by a playful pinch telling him not to be such a stinker and scare me like that.  I felt kind of bad for him last night.  I had so much work I needed to finish that he didn't get to really have a fantastic fun-filled evening...but I don't have anything planned for tonight, so I think I will make it up to him.

He's been good for three days in a row.  Not just "better" he's actually been really good.  This is the first time in a VERY long time that he's been able to do that.  He did great over the summer, but that was different because there was no school work or "classroom structure" involved.  Everyone keep their fingers crossed that it continues.  I think the new class and new surroundings will be good for him.  He's going to be challenged more by having 5th grade work, and the structure of the classroom is much more age appropriate for him.

So, with running on this emotional high all week, it's been an amazing week.  I received more good news on Tuesday - I finally found out my second placement.  On October 20th, I will be moving from first grade to second grade.  I will be spending 18 weeks in the second grade class, and I'm very excited about it.  My new mentor teacher is very nice, and I think we will work very well together.

Now you see why I had to change the name of Thursday blog posts - what an amazing week it has been!!  When I'm having a good week, my mind is clear, my energy level is full, and life just goes more smoothly - just how I like it. 

Positive Note of the Day:

Be proud of the so many things you've accomplished, but never punish yourself for the things you haven't.  Those things will come, because you dedicate yourself to being the best you can be.

Till next time.  ;)

Weigh In Wednesday - A Challenge

Another week has past, but how much weight is gone?  A lot of mental weight is gone.  It feels like a lot of brain weight is gone.  I sure hoped the scale measuring my physical weight would say I've lost some of that, too.  BUT, being that you know how I like to drag things out...the results from yesterday's weigh in will be coming up. 

First, I'm changing the name of Wednesday blog themes from Work-Out Wednesday to Weigh-In Wednesday.  I weigh in each week for my Biggest Loser competition on Tuesday and post about it on Wednesday - so I figure it's a more fitting name for the time being.

Speaking of Biggest Loser, anyone catch the show last night? It was another inspirational one.  Things are definitely going to be a bit different this season.  I love that the first hour of the show was dedicated to showing what contestants actually go through during their first two work-outs.  In past seasons, we see the contestants spend about 10 minutes in the gym.  You never really get how hard they have to work - I mean, sure they look like they've worked their butts off because of how sweaty they always are, but last night they really showed how much they struggle to get through the first couple of days.  At one point, Bob Harper actually told the contestants "only 3 hours and 47 minutes to go" and they'd already been there a while.  It really got me thinking. 

For the past three weeks, I've "settled" for doing a cardio work-out once a week.  I'm supposed to go two times a week, but something has come up each week allowing me to only attend one.  I spend a whopping 18 minutes working out, sometimes 25 minutes if we add something a little extra in at the end.  Yes, I really said that correctly.  For the past three weeks, I've worked out about 25 minutes A WEEK!  OK, so I've done a few other things...I've played a video game that requires a lot of movement.  I spend about 7 hours a day on my feet walking around a classroom (you'd be surprised how hard that is), and I've gone on a run...ONCE!  No wonder I'm not seeing the results I want during my weigh-ins. 

So, I don't have four hours a day to spend working out...wouldn't do it even if I did...but 25 minutes? Really?  It hit me last night while watching those poor contestants throwing up, passing out, and literally collapsing from the pressure that I'm not doing enough - not by a long shot.  A couple of weeks ago I made a plan to do 2 cardio-circuit work-outs a week and go out and run twice a week.  That's not enough, either, but I couldn't even stick to that.  I really have to get my butt in gear!!  I've got 6 weeks left in my competition, and the numbers I'm pulling right now are NOT going to win me that competition.  There was a statement that Allison made during last night's show that hit me, made me realize what's going to happen if I don't start working harder.  She told the two contestants up for elimination "don't leave here with any regrets". OK, so I'm not going anywhere - but I don't want to lose this competition knowing that I could of worked harder and that it's my own fault I didn't win.  I have everything going for me to win... I can't lose with any regrets.  If I work as hard as I can for the next six weeks, and I don't win - I can still say "I don't have any regrets".  It would suck to step on that scale at the end, lose, and think "well, if I'd worked out - I would of won".  BIG REGRET!!!!

I'm not going to sit here and type up another big "plan of action". I've decided to commit myself a little differently.  My goal for the next six weeks is to work-out every single day - even if it's just a little work-out.  If something comes up and I can't do the cardio circuits on Mondays and Fridays, then I will find something to take it's place.  If I don't feel like running, I will spend some time on the weights.  If I don't feel like doing weights, I will play the video game for a couple of hours - the physical game, not the easy one.  I think, at this point, even spending 30 minutes walking is better than doing nothing at all.  It's time to dust off my yoga DVD and maybe fit some of that in on the weekends.  Now that the weather isn't just cooler - it's down right B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L I should have no excuses to be out walking and running in it.  I'm challenging myself to do this.  I don't want to have any regrets when it's all said and done.  I want to grab that money and spend it on my kids' Christmas.  I want to FINALLY get below 200 - after sitting just above it for so many weeks.  All things that I have some kind of control over - yet, I'm throwing it all away as every day passes.

I would love to be able to stir up some support through this - not just posting a comment saying "good luck" or "you can do this".  I asked you to join me in writing a positive note of the day every day...now, who would like to join me in this challenge?  I'm going to call it the "Everyday Movement Challenge".  You don't have to post what you plan on doing each day - just commit to doing some kind of physical activity EVERY SINGLE DAY and then come here each day and post what you're doing.  Experts say that weight loss comes faster with a good support system.  So, we're not all close enough to physically work-out together but we can still support each other here.  So, come on...who's with me??  Sign up by posting a comment that you'd like to try it.  Like I said, you don't have to go to the gym every day - just do something that burns a few calories each day.  Maybe you go for a walk.  Maybe you take the stairs at work each day.  Maybe you walk on the treadmill for a few minutes....whatever you consider a "little extra" then do it!!

OK - so now the part you've all been waiting for.  My weigh-in results from yesterday.  My starting weight was 210lbs.  My weight last week was 207.2lbs.  This week's weight was.....drum roll..... 205.6lbs!! A loss of 1.6lbs.  Not sure how I pulled that off with doing close to nothing all week...but any loss is good.  Let's see how much doing a little exercise each day effects next week's number.

Positive note of the day: 

For every excuse there follows a regret.  You are so close.  Replace the excuses with successes - you're worth it!!

Till next time.  ;)

Back in Time Tuesday - High School Memories

Before I jump into my time machine and take you all on a trip into my past, I thought I'd give you some GREAT news about Grover.  He did what he was asked to do yesterday - and had a WONDERFUL day!!! Thank you to all who sent well wishes, positive vibes, and thoughts.  He got to spend the entire evening snuggled up with me - and we loved every minute of it.  Keep sending the thoughts, they're working!!

OK, time to go back in time.  The year?  1997.  I was a freshman in high school.  I wasn't what you considered "popular" but I also wasn't a person that lacked in the friendship department.  I pretty much always had a boyfriend, had a great group of friends that I spent my time with, and overall life was pretty good.

So, why did I pick high school to talk about?  Well, despite the fact that life was pretty good through my high school years - I did suffer with a problem.  Any guesses on what that problem might be? Yep, my weight.  I weighed about 140lbs.  I was 5'6" tall - so I wasn't exactly HUGE.  Compared to the cheerleaders and the "popular" girls, I was still carrying around 40-50lbs more than them. I'm happy to report that my weight didn't effect me to the point where I did anything to harm myself - like starve myself, or take dieting pills (which were popular back then), or develop an eating disorder.  I just lived with the issue, probably better than most people in my situation - but it doesn't take away the fact that it hurt to be "the fat girl". 

My weight never really became an issue during every day life, but there were several occasions that I was reminded how much bigger I was.  During my Freshman year, I had a huge crush on a popular guy.  I'm not going to use any names - but man, was I in love with him.  I can't tell a horrible sob story about how mean he was to me, or how he constantly called me names - he just wasn't like that.  We were friends.  We chatted during class, we occasionally saw each other outside of school - but it was something he said to me one night that really made me realize how much my weight can affect me.  We had grown pretty close, started hanging out more, talking to each other on the phone - and I had started thinking "wow, this is it, I'm going to get to date my dream guy".  I really thought he liked me, and loved our long phone conversations.  Then one night, he said something to me that has stuck with me ever since.  He told me that he liked me, he really liked me - but there's no way he could date me.  He explained that his friends would make fun of him if he dated the "fat girl".  I wish I could explain this without him sounding like an a**hole, cause he really wasn't.  He was a high school kid, a guy that counted on his sporty reputation to keep him popular but never became a jerk about it.  He was friendly with everyone - and that's what I loved about him.  He explained that he'd liked me for a long time, loved having phone conversations with me - cause we could flirt around like we were boyfriend and girlfriend - but that we could never actually become that...his reputation wouldn't allow it.  It was the first time in my high school life that my weight had become an issue. 

It was that phone conversation that ultimately led to a complete make-over on who I was.  Up to that point, I enjoyed wearing the latest fads, trying to look cute as possible - like the other girls did - until I realized that people thought of me as "the fat girl".  Things began changing.  I began wearing baggier clothes.  I started "hanging out" with guys, rather than trying to date them.  I began twisting my girly lifestyle and transforming into a tom boy.  I would discuss sports, music, even girls with the guys I hung out with.  My girl friends remained my girl friends - but I became a tool for them to hunt down the guys they liked and help hook them up.  Don't get me wrong, I still had boyfriends, but rather than trying to date the popular guys - I stuck to dating guys that were under the radar...the band nerds if you will.  I don't say that out of disrespect to them, because I was also a band nerd.  I just basically gave up on trying to be like the popular kids, or becoming one of them - I knew my weight would never allow it.

It just blows me away now, looking back, how a 140lb girl could be the fat girl.  Now, I'd give my right arm and leg to be that weight again.  I haven't gotten any taller - I've just gotten wider since then.  Wondering what I'd look like now as 140lbs requires looking in an old high school year book.  I looked amazing!!  Sure, in pictures with other girls - I was obviously the bigger girl - but now...wow, it would feel so good to look like that.  140lbs isn't even my goal weight - my goal weight is 150lbs.  Getting down to my high school weight would be great, but not something I will dwell on. 

The reason I shared this story is because despite it having an impact on my high school life, I have a daughter that is starting to reach into this world.  She's in 5th grade, and that's just like the equivalent of high school nowadays.  She's already ga-ga over boys.  She's already self-conscious about her weight.  She already deals with name calling and teasing because she's not 4ft tall and 65lbs like the other girls in her grade.  Prairie Dawn is beautiful - she's a mini me (LOL).  Unfortunately for her, she has my body structure.  She's extremely tall for her age - over 5ft tall!!  Unlike her mother, though, she constantly frets over being bigger than the other girls.  It's easy for me to tell her not to worry, but after recalling my story - I know where she's coming from.  This, my dear friends, is why this story is so important.  While we try to make ourselves healthier, thinner, and fitter - we MUST remember our kids in all of this.  They have to be a part of the lifestyle.  Kids are never too young to exercise, eat healthy foods, and life a healthy lifestyle.  Our positive actions send out a massive message to our offspring.  Prairie Dawn has already started seeing results.  Without "dieting" my beautiful daughter is becoming leaner, stronger, fitting into the clothes she so desperately wants to wear.  It's changing her mood, she's happy - enjoying life a lot more - and at the end of the day, raising happy, healthy kids is a huge motivator in our own journeys.

Well, time to get back to the present time - and ready to head off into the world.

Starting today, I will be sharing my POSITIVE NOTE of the day: 

Results require hard work - something you are great at!!

This will be posted on my Post-It note next to my desk today.  What is yours going to say?

Till next time.  ;)



Motivational Monday - Visual Aids

I tell ya, coming up with a post for today after the week I've just had was a little difficult.  Before I started, I decided to read some of my blog roll and see what motivation I could get from other bloggers.  Well, the first blog I visited did the trick.  The first blog belonged to MrsFatass.  Such a talented writer, and I love her blog because she's always so blunt.  She tells it like it is, has fun doing it, and can really help me put a smile on my face.  It just so happens that the title of her post this morning is "Inspiration". 

She talks about how she's been told many times how inspirational she is, and she sometimes struggles with hearing it.  I sat in front of the computer this morning thinking the same thing.  I have such amazing followers, and it's always nice hearing how "inspirational" I am - but I often question the statements.  I love that the words I share on this blog offer people inspiration and motivation, but what good does it do if I don't follow my own advice.  I never hesitate to share my successes with you all, but if I were to share the many days where I've emotionally eaten, thought about giving up on this whole thing, and how I offer advice that I rarely take myself - things might be a lot different around here.  Don't worry, trusty followers, this post today is not a "downer" - I'm getting to the motivation, I promise. 

Struggling to find what to write about on "Motivational Monday" is what gave me a wake-up call.  How can a weight loss blogger that has achieved so much gotten to a point where she struggles to be motivating?  It's this very question that perked me up, sent a swift kick to my caboose, and made me realize that it's time to get back to the "real me" - the me that thrives on helping people, reaching my goals, and a person willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish it.  OK, I've got some issues going on in my life at the moment - boo, hoo...everyone has days, weeks, and even months where things just don't go their way.  It's no excuse to swirl into "self pity" mode and sabotage the things that have taken so long to achieve.  So, my friends, I'm starting my week out with something I did with Grover yesterday...if I want it to work for him, it's only fair I try it out for myself...join me, maybe it works for you too.

My motivational plan for this week is "visual aids".  I'm not talking about pictures - I'm talking about a visual statement about whatever it is that you need reminding about.  There has been a lot of hype, lately, about a book called Operation Beautiful.  It's a book that urges readers to use Post-It notes as a way to build confidence and self esteem.  It suggests that these visual words of motivation and inspiration can have a powerful effect on one's thought process.  OK, so I haven't read the book - but I like the concept.  Yesterday, I told Grover that I was going to give him something this morning that would hopefully help focus him today - what is it?  An index card that says "I promised my mom" on one side, and "My mom loves me very much" on the other.  The plan is for him to carry the card with him today, place it on his desk, and keep it in sight at all times.  Maybe, just maybe, my little words of encouragement is something he needs to SEE while I'm not with him.

If I expect this to work for Grover, isn't it only fair that I try it out on myself?  I've been feeling crappy, lately - wallowing in self-pity, guilt, and other nasty feelings.  It's time for me to get out of my slump!!  So, this week, I'm going to take the Operation Beautiful challenge.  I have a nice, new package of Post-It notes ready - and my first note of the day?  "You are an amazing mother".  I need to hear that statement.  I need to see that statement.  It's the statement that I've questioned this past week, so it's only fair that it be my first boost to make this week a great one.  I've already thought of my second one, too: "It's time to get back to finishing what you started".  This statement carries a powerful message.  It's time I get back to working out.  It's time to get back to sticking to healthy foods.  It's time to get out of the slump I let myself fall into and dig my way out to be the positive, no-stress, happy-go-lucky person I prefer to be. 

So, my friends.  Who's with me?  Let's start this week out on a positive note (slight pun intended).  I asked you all yesterday to send positive vibes to Grover as he heads to school this morning - I ask that you do that all day.  Now, I also ask you to think about something positive you need to say about yourself.  Put it on a Post-It note, an index card, write it on a dry erase board - whatever is easiest for you - and look at it often.  Please share with me what you decided to write.  I want to go back to being the "inspiration" that so many of you have referred to me as being.  Make this step not just to satisfy my ego - but to get you started out this week on the right foot.

Till next time.  ;)

Summarize it Sunday - Goodbye Week!!

What a week it's been, but I'm so glad to see it go.  This week has brought about too much stress, too many sad feelings, and too much emotion.  When I get stressed, my mind gets cloudy and it's really hard for me to focus.  So, I'm hoping that this next week will be more positive - cause that's always much better for me.

This past Tuesday, I received my first formal evaluation of my teaching.  The lesson didn't go as planned, the kids struggled much more than I planned, but overall it didn't go too bad. 

Due to the stress I've been under this week, I really haven't thought about working out or the Biggest Loser competition.  I did my cardio circuits on Monday - and that's about it for the week.  I had planned on doing some PS3 Move yesterday, but got so caught up in doing my work - that didn't happen.  I had planned on going for a run this morning, but my lazy butt just crawled out of bed at 10:20 - so that didn't happen.  I still think I might go this evening.  The weather is supposed to stay in the upper 60's all day - so there's really no excuse why I couldn't go at any time.  I do have some work I need to get finished, and find the time to go and do some grocery shopping...but I'm going to try and make myself get out to the track this evening, even just for a little while. 

It's amazing to me how many times I've shared how wonderful exercise is for stress - but then I become such a hypocrite when it boils down to me doing it.  I know from experience that anytime I feel a little blue, I can go to the track and by the time I'm done I feel FANTASTIC.  Then why don't I do it all of the time?  I'll tell you why, because I start feeling sorry for myself.  With this Grover ordeal, I actually feel guilty about wanting to get rid of the stress and bad feelings.  I think that maybe if he sees how bad I'm feeling about it all - then he'll open up and talk to me and we can finally start working on resolving the problems.  I've been waiting for 4 years for it to happen -but I haven't lost hope that it won't still happen.

Yesterday, he walked around for a long time.  He was probably outside for three hours.  I called him in for lunch, he ate his lunch and went straight back outside.  When he did finally decide to come in, I asked him how he felt.  He said "better".  I asked him if he was ready to talk, and he said he was, but every time I asked him anything the response was still "I don't know why I do it".  Maybe he doesn't know.  At the end of the day, I have to face the fact that there's something going on in his brain that's causing him to do the things that he does.  Then I have the guilt playing on me that the punishments he serves for acting out are pointless, and wrongly imposed.  He loses privileges for bad behavior, but how can he learn from that when he doesn't even know how to stop doing the bad behaviors?  I decided to change my line of questions and discuss his feelings about me and the family, and if he feels like I don't give him enough time.  I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me, that I needed to know so that I could change things if I needed to..his response - and get your Kleenexes ready - "Mom, I know you love me.  I know that because if you didn't - you wouldn't get so upset and cry when I'm bad.  You wouldn't hug me when I cry.  You wouldn't ask me how you can make things better.  You wouldn't help me with my homework or get up so early in the morning so that you can do yours.  You do spend enough time with me, and I know that you want to do more stuff with us but you want to get a good job so that you can get nice stuff for the house and for us."  Through fighting back the tears, I asked him "is there anything more I can do for you that you might think would help?"  He said "no".  So, I upped the ante a little.  I decided to try something I've never tried before.  I asked him to make me a promise, a promise that he would go to school tomorrow and apologize to his teachers, do what he's asked to do, and if I get a note home that says he's behaved - I will spend the entire evening with him.  He'll help me with my homework, he'll sit with me while we watch TV, he'll eat dinner next to me, and when it's time for bed - I'll tuck him in.  The look in his eyes was priceless.  There was a spark, a flutter of excitement...something.  He agreed to take the deal.  We shook on it, and then hugged for about 5 minutes - both of us in tears.  Everyone PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send positive vibes with Grover as he heads to school in the morning.  I hope with everything inside of me that this works - even if it's just for one day.  It's a small accomplishment - and he needs that right now.  Small accomplishments lead to big achievements. 

Before I sat down this morning, I told myself that this wouldn't be another post devoted to Grover - but I couldn't help it.  In the short of things, the stress and issues that Grover is dealing with affects my lifestyle - so it's somehow related to my weight loss efforts.  Like I've said a thousand times - this blog is my saving grace, my outlet to share my inner feelings.  Yes, I've strayed this week from my usual "chipper" self - but I needed to get it off my chest.  It's out there now... let's hope that this week is much more positive - Lord knows I need it.

Till next time.  ;)

Select it Saturday: Stress!!

It's Saturday, a day to relax, enjoy a day off, and spend the day in your PJ's or go out with the family.  I'm opting to spend the day in my PJ's - but that's as far as it goes from the selections.  I have a lot of work to get done this weekend, and I mean A LOT!  The twist to today's blog post is that having this much work to do is actually going to be my DE-stresser.  WHAAATTT??  Yep, I said it.  I have a ton of work to do, and I'm happy about it.  It will help me to de-stress after the week I've had.

Yesterday was a very long day.  I arrived at school at my usual 6:30.  I was there until 7 last night because I was working at the school's annual fall festival.  I had a lot of fun - but it's something that happened to me during the day that caused me to get a little stressed out - OK, a lot stressed out.

At around 11am, something happened that I've been dreading.  The class intercom went off and said "Ms. Hill, TDT called about your son and they want you to call them ASAP".  I was right in the middle of teaching - and as soon as I heard the words, I got a nasty sinking feeling in my stomach.  My mentor teacher took over, and I left the classroom to go and make the call.  Grover's counselor told me that he had been out of control all morning.  He was refusing to come into the classroom, getting extremely angry, instigating the other kids to not do their work or do what they were told, and it had gotten to the point where they needed me to go to his school and spend the rest of the day with him - showing him how he needs to behave at school.  Nausea hit me at that point.  Leaving school while in my internship better be for DIRE emergencies.  I tried calling my mom to see if she would go and do it for me - she said she would, but couldn't be there for long.  I called the school back and asked if it was possible to just pick him up from school, they said that was fine and so I called Hubby to go and get him.

All day after I struggled with how I was feeling.  I felt mad, frustrated, and guilty.  I was mad that he was behaving that way, frustrated that his school was asking me to do something like that, and so guilty at the fact that all I thought about was not jeopardizing my internship.  That guilt feeling is still with me - it's haunting me.  I'm struggling with this so much - and it's eating at me.  What kind of mother am I that I would rather stay working than go and take care of a problem with my child?  Then I remind myself that if I don't do well in this internship, there's a strong possibility I won't have a job next year - and then how will I be able to take care of my kids then?  Last night, I received an email from Grover's counselor telling me that if the same problems happen on Monday, they will once again call me and expect me to spend the day with him at school.  So, now I have that haunting me.  How will I respond?  What will my school say about the phone calls I'm getting?  What can I do to help my son see how important it is for him to behave? And probably the most important question that is consuming my mind - "What is happening to him to make him act this way?" 

Now you can see why I've decided that I need to hibernate this weekend.  I need to focus on something that will keep me busy.  I spent some time talking to Grover last night.  I feel like today he needs to spend some time by himself - maybe thinking about things.  He's outside right now - I'm watching him walk around and my heart is breaking.  I just wish there was something I could say, something I could do to make all of this go away... but after 4 years of trying, I feel totally hopeless.  I know that some of you maybe thinking - "go and spend time with him".  I tried that last night.  He was completely cold and stone faced while I spoke to him about his behavior.  We both agreed that today we'd spend some time alone thinking about what's been going on recently.  I want to give him some space - I think he might need some alone time after being bombarded with teachers, counselors, Hubby, and me, so that's what I'm going to let him have.  I have this aching feeling in my heart that he feels I'm not spending enough time with him - but I've tried so hard to give all three kids time with me EVERY night.  Even when I plan on spending a lot of time working on the weekends, I still make sure I spend some time doing things with them.  I'm just a bag full of emotions right now - and I hate not knowing what I can do to make things better.

This afternoon, I'm going to talk to him again.  I feel like maybe after spending some time alone, he might be able to talk to me - tell me what's on his mind.  Something is definitely bothering him - I just wish he would talk to me. 

It's been a very emotional and stressful week for me.  I've learned to adapt to some of the problems Grover's having - that's why he was placed in a school that specializes in behavioral issues.  This week has been the worst week, with him, in a very long time - and it's weighing so heavily on my mind.  I can't help but feel like this is my fault.  I just don't think he's old enough to understand how important it is for me to get through this year of internship.  He's too young to think about the "big picture" and what my having a full-time teaching job would do for our family.  I always swore that I would never be a mother that is too busy for my kids - but worry that in Grover's mind, that's exactly what I've become.  It's time for some changes, some sacrifices maybe...whatever it takes to get him to understand how much I love him and want the best for him.

Till next time.  ;)

Finally Friday

Wow, what a relaxing morning!  The dim light from my lamp, the hum of my computer, and the rain playing a light drumming sound on the window sure are helping to melt my stresses away.

It's finally Friday.  It's time for me to share what I have planned for the weekend, so here goes... WORK!!  OK, I'm done..

Till next time. ;)

Just kidding - we all know there's no way I could write a blog post that short.  Not that I won't be spending my whole weekend working - cause that is exactly what I have planned - but I also really want to get a couple of work-outs in too.

After school today, I will be working at the school's annual fall festival.  I get to hair paint - whatever that is.  I'm excited about it because it's nice to be able to see the kids with their families enjoying some time outside of the classroom.  It also means no cardio circuit work-out tonight.  I will be at the school until 7 this evening, so I have a feeling I will be extremely tired when I get home.

Tomorrow, in between working and more working, I want to get some time in on the PS3 Move.  I have a feeling that I will be so overwhelmed by how much I have to get done I'm not going to feel like "working out" so I have to go for the next best thing.  Enjoying some time sword fighting with Hubby and the kids - and sweating my butt off in the process - will be fun.  This weekend, I need to get two weeks worth of lesson plans written, a couple of papers written, and sort the 200 books that arrived for me in the mail (gotta love Scholastic..LOL). 

Sunday the weather is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL.  The high, as of right now, says 68!!  If that's true, I won't be able to pass up the opportunity of getting out to the track.  I have a feeling I will need the break, and I definitely need to push myself this weekend.  If I don't feel like it, I hope I have the strength to make myself go.  I've used the weather as an excuse to not get outside and run... the weather is going to be perfect, so I need to be out there. 

That's the plan for my weekend.  Not very exciting - but sometimes I'd rather it not be.  I actually like having a weekend where I can get caught up on things, work in my PJ's, and not have to go anywhere...this will be one of those weekends.

Before I go, I want to give a quick update about my visit with my Grover's counselor yesterday.  She told me that she wanted to move him into the higher classroom.  That means instead of being with 1st - 4th graders, he'll be with 5th - 7th graders.  Grover is in 4th grade, but because he's so smart he's bored in the classroom he's in now.  His counselor thinks by challenging him, he may have less time to act out.  His teacher will be male, and his current counselor also wants to transfer him to a male counselor.  We both agree that Grover does better when under the supervision of a man.  He responded better when he was in public school and the principal was a man, so we're going to try it out at his school.  Due to the current problems Grover has been having, he's now being placed on two different meds.  One will hopefully help with the impulsiveness he has, and the other is to help focus him.  As long as "focus" doesn't mean "sedate", I'm OK to try it.  It's really getting to the point where both I and his counselor are running out of ideas - and the only step after this one is residential treatment.  Everyone please keep your fingers crossed, pray, send your thoughts - whatever it is that you do - that these changes help.  I don't know what I will do if it ends with my son having to go away.  I want...no, I need him here with me. 

Till next time.  ;)

Time to Throw it Down!

I have to say, I'm really liking having a topic starter each day.  It's so much easier to think of things to talk about - when it's narrowed down for me.  Today, it's Throw it Down Thursday - meaning I get to discuss what's going on in my life outside of trying to lose weight. 

This week has been a long week.  Monday and Tuesday I was battling a bad headache.  Tuesday morning, I had my first "formal evaluation" of my teaching.  The lesson I had chosen to teach didn't go as well as planned, but it worked out just fine.  It's amazing how nerve racking it is to have someone sit there and watch you teach while they are writing away on a notebook.  I'm not usually a nervous type of person.  I don't get stressed out by tests or being observed, but for some reason - Tuesday I got nervous.  Luckily, I have an amazing group of first graders that didn't seem to pick up on my nervousness and did the best they could with my confusing ramblings and directions.

Yesterday, I really felt like running.  That was until I got to the end of school and had to go to a staff meeting.  For some reason, sitting at the staff meeting really brought out how exhausted I was.  I know that if I had just gone for the run - I would of felt better, but nope...I didn't.  Instead, I came home but when I got home I played some PlayStation Move with Hubby.  After 30 minutes of playing Gladiator and Archery, I was dripping sweat and I felt like I had just done a 30 minute cardio work-out.  After that, I realized that this "toy" was going to be a great tool to use to work-out. 

There's a quick wrap up of my week so far - now on to something a little more "serious".  For the past four years, I have been dealing with some behavioral problems with Grover.  Last year, things got so bad he had to be transferred to a special school that specializes in kids that have behavioral issues.  At first, it really seemed to help.  Then it started getting bad again, so after a lot of trying different things and consideration, it was determined that he needed to be placed on medication.  This bothers me.  I worked in a counseling office for about 4 years, and while I was there I swore that I would never put my own child on any type of medications for behavioral problems.  It came down to an ultimatum, though, that he tries the medication or he had to be placed in a residential treatment facility.  I don't want my son in a place like that, so I decided to try the medicine.  I would love to be able to say that it's working - but unfortunately, that's not the case.  He's getting into trouble daily - and I'm not just talking about minor stuff.  He walks out of the classroom whenever he feels like it,  he lies constantly to them and me, he rallies up his classmates to "revolt" against their teacher, and yesterday I found out that he's spitting on kids and doing other terrible stuff on the school bus.  Have I mentioned that he's only 9?  It's so painful not knowing what I can do to change things.  I'm in the process of becoming a teacher.  I'm being given the responsibility of teaching 24 kids how to behave - and succeeding - yet, I'm unable to get my own son to behave at school.  It's so frustrating, emotionally draining, and I really don't know what to do.   

He's such a smart kid.  At home he's good - for the most part - but it's like he becomes a completely different child once he goes to school.  He tells me he hates school, which as a teacher-to-be pains me.  As a mother, I know that it's because of the problems he's had for the past four years.  Before going to his current school, the school he attended dealt with his behavior by placing him in permanent in-school suspension.  Every day, he sat in a small office.  He never had recess, he never interacted with other kids - no wonder he hated school.  I really thought that putting him in a school that specializes in situations like his would be so good for him.  He participates in group therapy, he gets recess, he gets to socialize - but he still hates it, and does everything in his power to show it. We have literally tried everything I can think of to help him: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, rewards, consequences... nothing seems to phase him.  If we do manage to find something that works, it will last maybe a few days - and then he's right back doing what he usually does. 

I'm not sure why I've chosen to share this today - maybe it's because I just need to get it out of my system.  My therapeutic haven is this blog.  I even tried doing the same thing with Grover.  I gave him a journal that he could use every day to write in whenever he got mad, bored, or just needed something to do.  It worked for a few days - and now he has no idea where the journal is.  This evening I will be meeting with his counselor, once again, to discuss his behavior.  I have no idea what they are going to say, what the next options are...all I know is I'm scared for him.  He's so young and I love him so much - I just hate not knowing what I can do to make things better for him.  That is a horrible feeling for any parent.  All I know is I will do anything it takes - and hope that one day, he will look back on his childhood and know that regardless of what he did in school, his mother never gave up on him and did everything in her power to make his life better.

Till next time.  ;)

Work-Out Wednesday - Biggest Loser's Back!!

This past week has been very sporadic.  I worked out more, but I also ate more.  Before heading in for my weigh-in yesterday morning, I started to wonder if my night out on Saturday was going to affect what the scale had to say.  Well, it did, but by a livable number.  Last week, I weighed in at 206.8.  Yesterday, I weighed in at 207.2, so I gained .4lbs.  A gain is never a good thing to see - especially in a Biggest Loser competition - but I was happy that I hadn't gained back half the weight I lost last week.  I know that if I hadn't of gotten in two cardio circuit work-outs and danced as much as I did Saturday night, that number may have been significantly higher.

The cardio circuit work-out Monday night was rough.  They seem to be increasing in difficulty - which is a good thing.  There was lots of ab work, some jumping on a mini-trampoline, and A LOT of cardio.  I was dripping sweat by the end of the first rotation - but pushed my way through two more rounds.  Half-way through, I started having boot camp flash backs when I heard one of my work-out partners yelling "push yourself!" and "make it count".  She sounded so much like my dearly missed Jillian.  It really made me realize how much I'm missing boot camp.  It's so hard to see the Facebook updates from the current boot camp - I so wish I could be there...especially with the competition I'm doing.

Speaking of which, I was so happy that last night was the season premiere of Biggest Loser 10.  The show couldn't of come back on at a better time.  I've watched the past two seasons of Biggest Loser, and the last season really helped motivate me to push myself on my journey.  Mike, from season 9, lost over 250lbs!  He started out being the heaviest contestant in Biggest Loser history, and when he started he could barely walk.  By the end of the show, he was HOT!!  He really dedicated himself to losing the weight - and watching him gave me such inspiration and that "if he can do it, so can I" attitude.  Watching the premiere last night really gave me a burst of motivation.  It seems like every contestant this season has a very emotional story - lots of tragedy - and there were several times during the two hours of watching the show that I was drying my eyes.  I usually get weepy watching the final shows each season, but watching the first show and crying - that's new for me.  It was the first time that I really felt this overwhelming burst of emotion seeing other people who were in my shoes not so long ago.  I was really able to connect with them, know how they were feeling, and it really made me want to work harder.  On a positive note, I realized that it was the first time I'd ever watched the show and actually weighed LESS than every contestant.  Last season, there were several people that weighed less than I did when they first started.  It was really a confidence boost for me, seeing some of the contestants weigh in and then thinking - wow, I was that heavy 6 months ago or I was that heavy a year ago - look how far I've come!

All in all, I feel that now that Biggest Loser 10 is on - my fighting spirit will kick into overdrive.  I know it sounds strange that I need a TV show to help motivate me.  I don't need the show - but it sure does help.  Two years ago, I watched that show thinking "wow, I wish I could be on that show, there's no way I can lose weight on my own".  Hearing some of the contestants utter those very words last night pulled at my heart.  I used to think that I would never have the motivation, the willpower, or the drive to lose weight on my own, and look at me now! When I'm 100lbs lighter, I will declare "I did this!"  I can then confidently tell people that they don't have to get wrapped up in the "there's no way I can do it on my own" attitude - because they can do it...just like I did.

Till next time.  ;)

Back in Time Tuesday - One Year

It was harder than I thought thinking of what time in my life I wanted to share with you all.  There have been so many.  I figured before I got too weepy and serious with this topic, I'd start out with my life a year ago.

I wish I could tell you exactly what I was doing on September 21st, 2009, but I can't so I will go back to "around this time" last summer.  The reason I can't tell you exactly what was going on a year ago today was because I wasn't keeping up with my blog at that point.  That's because, once again, I'd given up on trying to lose weight.  My blog had been started.  I'd made a few wishy-washy posts and I'd made a few solid posts that spanned a few days.  Reading back on some of the posts I made has given me the chuckles.  No wonder I didn't commit. 

On June 18th, 2009 I started a 60 day challenge.  I declared that diets don't work - my motto now - but reading the posts it's clear to me that I didn't know what those words meant. I began a 60 day challenge that was supposed to "retrain" my body to eat healthier - yet, it meant doing unhealthy things to my body.  I started out on a liquid diet for two days, then slowly started adding real food...hmm, don't know about you but that definitely sounds like a diet to me.  Regardless of how crazy the diet was, I managed to stick to blogging about it for a whopping 45 days.  That I'm impressed about. 

I remember doing this.  At the time, I was so desperate I was willing to try anything.  When failure knocks at your door time after time after time, you begin to start grasping at straws.  Of course I look back now and say "what was I thinking?"  But the truth of the matter is, I know exactly what I was thinking.  I was thinking that I would do anything it took to lose weight - yes, even if that meant starving myself, liquid diets, no meat or carbs, etc.  Was it smart? No.  Did it work? Heck no.  That's not the point.  I needed the proof.  Before I could REALLY get into the mindset that diets don't work, I had to try them.  When a fat person is bombarded with TV ads, books, and "magic" pills telling you that they work - you begin to get curious.  After struggling for so long, I had to find out the hard way. 

The days after starting this "rehab" as I referred to it, were hard for me.  I was so determined to make it work.  I'm so surprised that I lasted 45 days - it was hard.  It was the final few days that has stuck with me, though.  I remember waking up, getting out of bed, and feeling dizzy.  I remember watching my kids and Hubby enjoy the foods they loved - the foods I loved - and giving myself the daily pep talk that I had to control myself, avoid the temptations that lurked around every corner.  I remember stopping at stores on my way home from work or school and buying a candy bar or some popcorn chicken and then inhaling them - and feeling guilty for hours after and then starving myself and working out extra hard the next day as "punishment" for my weakness.  Then, finally, after 40 days of literally torturing myself, I began to slip.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  Once again, I had failed.  That's a feeling that lasts a very long time, especially when trying to lose weight.  I headed straight into a whirlwind of packing the pounds back on.  Once I realized that it was game-over, I couldn't get enough junk food.  Not so slowly, the weight started to come back on, my depression started coming back, and I just decided I was through - I was going to be fat forever, and nothing was going to work.

What an amazing feeling it is to look back at myself now.  In just one year, the transformation is AMAZING! I'm not just referring to what I look like, either.  I went from a woman desperate to lose weight to a woman that just wants to be healthy and fit.  I went from a woman that will torture herself to lose a few pounds to a woman that loves to eat, loves to exercise, and is enjoying life.  I don't stress about calories or enjoying a sweet treat or having a beer with friends.  I don't punish myself for it, either.  I live life in the real world.  I eat healthy 90% of the time, and not so healthy the other 10% - I'm OK with that.  I don't work-out to punish myself, I do it because it makes me feel good.  It's not just about me, either, and this was the key ingredient to my success.  Once I got my family on board - it was easy sailing.  Eating healthy is a lifestyle change - and one that should be done with the whole family.  I love hearing people tell me that the reason they can't eat healthy is because their family would never do it.  A year ago, I would of told you the same thing.  The truth of the matter, though, is that we eat better than we ever have before - and I'm talking taste, people!  Healthy foods have a bad wrap.  I can count on one hand the amount of times my family has eaten salad for dinner.  It's not about eating bland, boring food - we eat exciting, tasty, hearty meals and my family can't get enough of it. 

At the end of the day, I have managed to accomplish a major feat.  I have lost 57lbs in 8 months.  Yes, losing weight has been a high priority for me - but in reality, the weight loss has just been the cause and effect to my lifestyle change.  I won't lie and say it was super easy - but it wasn't exactly hard, either.  Once I got the support of my family, the desire to try new things, and realized that I had to quit worrying what the scale was saying... life was and is different. 

So, that's my flashback story for today.  It was great, for me, to recollect the "old me".  I need to do that every now and then, so I'm happy that I'm trying this new blog idea.  Now, it's time to get ready for work.

Have a great day!
Till next time.  ;)

Just Another Manic Monday

The weekend is over already!  I didn't get near as much accomplished as I'd hoped.  In fact, I feel like I hardly accomplished anything.  Yes, I got to spend Saturday night having an AMAZING time with Sanity.  Yes, I got to go to my mom's yesterday and see the Fam.  Those were great things to do.  I feel like the weekend should be spent having some fun, however I did not get hardly any work done.  This week is a big week for me.  I'm having a formal evaluation of my teaching tomorrow morning, and that was one thing that I should of been working on - didn't get it done.  I have nine additional lesson plans to write for the week - I did one.  I have papers that need to be written, text books needing to be read - I got neither even started.

I get very frustrated when I don't get very much done on the weekends.  Everyone loves to be able to relax all weekend long - but that's just not an option for me.  Sure, I deserve a break every now and then - but wasting a whole weekend when there's so much to do shouldn't happen.

So, what now?  Well, now I just have to make up for lost time - and that means a very late night for me tonight getting everything accomplished that I had all weekend to do.  Oh well, lesson learned I guess - time to move on.

I'm thinking about trying a new concept with my blog.  I read several other blogs - when I have time.  One thing that I've noticed a few of my favorite daily bloggers do is a daily theme.  Trying to come up with a new topic each day can be quite daunting.  There have been many days that I've sat looking at this screen for along time wondering what the heck to write about.  I start pounding away at the keys, and by the time I'm done - well, it's hardly exciting stuff.  So, I thought if I had a topic that I write about each day - it might be easier to come up with more exciting stuff to write about.  I'm going to try this concept out for a while, see if I like it, and go from there.  I will start tomorrow.  There may be days that I don't follow the "routine",   especially if I have something exciting that I need to share, but for the most part it will be in line with what I came up with.

Motivational Monday - I think every week should start out with a motivational start.  I know, today I didn't do that - and I'm sorry.  Going forward, hopefully I can help you start your week out by reading a motivational story that I've heard or it will be about me.  I will share tips, strategies, and personal successes that have helped me on my journey - and will hopefully help you, too.

Back in Time Tuesday - This one I "borrowed" from an amazing blogger - Drazil.  I think it's a great idea to reminisce about the past.  Maybe I think about what life was like when I was bigger.  I might reminisce about my childhood.  Maybe I look at what was going on exactly one year ago.  Whatever I decide, it will be a flashback story of my past.

Work-Out Wednesday - This will be the day that I share my results of my Biggest Loser weigh-in competition.  I will also update on what I've been doing to work-out, eating, and anything else associated with the Biggest Loser competition. 

Throw It Down Thursday - Thursdays will be devoted to the "crazy" that is my life.  This will be related to non-weight loss stuff like work, school, family, kids, etc.  It will be a day I can vent my frustrations and share the excitements of my job and personal life. 

Finally Friday - Fridays will consist of my "to-do" list for the weekend.  Maybe, just maybe, I can use Fridays as a way of staying on track for the weekend - and actually do what I plan on doing. 

Select It Saturday - This is my "free" day.  I will write about anything that's on my mind.  It will be the one day that doesn't have a specific theme - so I apologize in advance if Saturday morning posts aren't as exciting... but I need one day a week to clear my mind and pound on the keys as I do it.

Summarize it Sunday - This will basically just be a recap of the week.  I'll look at the highs and lows of what I did in regards to my journey - as well as personal stuff.  Not necessarily a recap of what I wrote about all week - just a summary of my week, in general. 

That's the plan.  I really hope it helps perk things up around here - and makes my life easier.  I love writing my blog each morning - can't start my day without it.  It's just not always easy to think about what I want to write about - so hopefully this will help.

Till next time.  ;)

Can I Please Have About 14 More Hours Each Day?

Twenty four hours just isn't enough.  There's so much to do, so little time.  Maybe six hours of sleep each night is too much - there's a few hours I could save.  Yeah, that's not going to happen. 

I know I'm not the only one that wakes up every day saying one of those sentences.  I know that just about every intern says that every day, and I'm sure many of you do too.  I hate days like today - when I have so much work to get done, places to go, things to do, but I know there's no way I'm going to get everything done that I want to - and that frustrates me.  It's my own fault.  I waste time - A LOT.  Take yesterday, for example.  I had all day with nothing to do except work on my homework.  I did a bit, but then got wrapped up in playing Frisbee Golf on Hubby's new PlayStation 3 Move (I'll get to that later), and then before I knew it I had to get ready to go out for the evening.  I get up this morning, look at the clock and think - how the heck am I going to have everything done today.  Do I go straight to my work and pound away at it?  No, I'm here telling you about how much time I don't have to get my stuff done today.  A vicious, vicious cycle.  Oh well, it always ends up getting done each week - why will this week be any different?

So, last night I got to go out and celebrate Sanity's birthday.  It was a FANTABULOUS night.  We started out eating dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant.  Some of her close friends and family were there - and the food and company were wonderful.  After dinner, it was off to our favorite spots for a few drinks, a few laughs, and ending with my favorite thing - some random dancing and karaoke.  There's a little bar that I've grown to love going to.  That's a very weird statement for me to make, because up until a few months ago - I could count on one hand the amount of times I've been out to a bar since turning 21.  Now, Sanity and I can walk into this certain club and people recognize me.  Not sure that's a good thing - but the place is always filled with familiar faces, and we always have such a great time together.  Something happened last night, that I'm embarrassed to admit to - but it was such a big deal to me, I just have to share. 

The reason I was never one to go out to clubs and bars with friends was because I always felt like the elephant in the room.  Not the odd one out, literally the big, fat elephant.  All of my friends are beautiful and thin.  They would get hit on, and I would sit there feeling awkward and wishing that one day maybe I would be thin enough to get hit on.  I know that sounds terrible - I'm engaged, I shouldn't worry about getting hit on - but it's a self confidence thing.  So, last night, we're at the bar and a guy started talking to me.  He complimented my singing, introduced himself, and then I was back at my table with Sanity.  The next thing I know, he's behind me and hands me his number.  I can't tell you how excited I was.  I hugged the guy, explained the I was engaged, but thanked him for totally making my night.  He was embarrassed, and immediately apologized.  I told him that he had nothing to apologize for, and then explained my journey and how it's always been a little wish to have a guy hit on me at a bar...he had made my little wish come true.  He congratulated me on the weight loss, told me I looked beautiful, and then went and rejoined his friends.  For the rest of the night, I didn't feel my feet touch the ground - and no, I wasn't drunk - I was floating.  A random guy had just told me I was beautiful.  Best night, EVER!

Now that I've got to share that embarrassing pleasure, I've got something else to share.  Yesterday, Hubby went out and bought the new PlayStation 3 Move.  It's very much like the Wii game, but 1000 times better.  This thing uses whole body calibration to play the games.  There's no barely flicking your wrist to get things done - you have to put your whole body into it, or you lose.  All I can say is MOVE OVER WII FIT - there's a much more fun game in town.  Just playing half an hour on "Gladiator" will probably be the equivalent of a 30 minute cardio work-out - if not more.  It's a warrior type fighting game that requires using a sword and a shield, and then doing the motions required to slay your opponent.  You'll be amazed at how much your body moves during a good sword match!  Yesterday, I played Frisbee Golf with Hubby and Prairie Dawn - and we had a great time.  You really have to position your body and flick your wrist just right to throw the Frisbee.. not much of a work-out, but still a lot of fun.  Could it be that I have found another exercise alternative to add to my list?  Most definitely!  No virtual trainers, no board to balance on, just a lot of moving, a lot of sweat, and a heck of a lot of fun. 

OK, enough for today.  I really MUST get my work done. 

Till next time.  ;)

Gonna Dance the Pounds Away

It's Saturday!!  The day of the week that makes me happy.  I can sleep in.  I can get some work done in my pajamas...best of all - I can go out for the evening!!  That's exactly what's on the agenda for today.

Before I get going on today's ramble - I have to mention that I've decided on a new code name for "bestie".  I decided a fitting name for her would be: Sanity.  I think it's a great fit, because I know when I'm about to lose my sanity - she's the one I'm going to call.

Okie dokie - now on to business.  After school yesterday, I went and did the cardio circuits.  I started the day off feeling good.  Even though I had a late night Thursday, I was pretty energetic starting out Friday.  By lunch time, that feeling had changed.  It felt like I was having to think about lifting my feet to move, my mind was starting to form this thick cloud over my brain, and I was tired.  By 2pm, I was actually counting the minutes down until I could get into the gym to work out.  It was nice to know that I was excited about working out.  Last week, I had to force myself to do it - this week I was so ready to get to it.  The circuits were somewhat harder than they were last week - and I really had to work hard to do the three rounds.  The circuits consisted of: side high kick, medium kick, low kick; 10 fast high knees, 10 slow high knees; side plank hold; L/R lunges; jog forward 4, jumping jack back 4; and sun salutation.  The first time around the circuits, I was already feeling it.  The second time, the sweat was pouring.  By the third time, I was really focusing on getting everything I could out of the work-out.  I left drenched in sweat, but feeling great.

I really thought the work-out would give me the energy I needed to enjoy my Friday night.  Obviously not.  At around 6, I passed out on the couch - and then woke up around 9:15.  I figured waking up that late would mean a late night for me... again I was wrong.  By 11, Hubby was waking me up and telling me to go to bed because I was asleep on the couch again.  I then slept until 8 this morning!!  I guess I needed the sleep. 

Today it's all about getting everything done so that I can go out tonight and celebrate Sanity's birthday.  I have been looking forward to it all week.  Just knowing that I get to go out and spend some time with her with no worries of school and work is so exciting.  I won't be working out today - but hopefully there will be some dancing involved tonight...so I plan on making the most of that!!  What a great way to work out - right?  Shaking and grooving is fun.  I may not be the best dancer in the world - but knowing I can get a great work-out in from doing it makes it that much more worth it. 

Well, I guess that's it for today.  Just a ramble - but a post, at least. 

Everyone have a great Saturday.  Do something fun.  Relax.  Enjoy!

Till next time.  ;)

Feeling Like a Sappy Teenager Day

At the beginning of the this week, I thought it was going to be an extremely long week.  Coming back for a full week after only doing 4 days last week was surely going to make this week drag on.  It didn't!!  I can't believe it's already Friday - where does the time go?

After school yesterday, I got together with a couple of friends and we went for a well deserved drink.  I did have a beer, but then switched to Diet Coke. Two people left after an hour or so, and then me and my gal pal sat and talked until after 7!  We had been there for 4 hours!!  It was great, though.  Being able to have great conversation with a great friend doesn't happen as often as it used to now. We used to hang out every weekend and see each other every day in class.  Now, we're working in different schools, only see each other once a week, so we make up for it on that day.  It's funny, this is the second year I've been taking classes with her yet we only started "hanging out" at the start of the summer.  Over the course of a few months, we've developed a great friendship and I'm now happy to call her one of my "besties".  I love hanging out with her.  I need to think of a great code name for her - she deserves one - but for the time being, I guess I will here on our refer to her as Bestie... until I can think of something better.

Up until this past summer, I really didn't have someone that I could consider a "really close friend". Yes, I had friends. I occasionally went out for a night here and there. I talked to people on Facebook. I had fun. Something was always missing, though. If I needed someone to talk to, I had Hubby. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a man that I can talk to - but sometimes what I needed to talk about I really didn't want to bother him with. I had my mom, but she definitely has enough issues of her own that I didn't want to bother her with mine.  I had and still have a great online "Mommy Forum".  I can go there and vent and share stuff with people who I consider close friends - yet never had the chance to meet.  I could come here.  Sharing my life on here is great, but there's a lot that can't and won't be posted.  Finally, after developing a friendship with "Bestie" I felt like I had someone I could really talk to and have a great time with.  I finally had a friendship that I could consider to be the "real deal". 



Even though I really can't say that I'm too stressed out with my internship, it's so great to have a friend that's going through the same experience to talk to.  One of the cardinal rules about the internship is that we don't discuss our personal feelings about it to anyone - unless it's positive.  I'm lucky because I've had such an amazing experience so far, I don't have anything that's not positive to say.  It's nice, though, to know that I have a true friend that I can talk to if I need to - and she knows she can do the same with me.  We can also share other things going on in our lives - and just having that place to release frustrations, stresses, good times, and high points can make my tension slip away. 

Tomorrow night, I'm going out to celebrate Bestie's birthday. I can't wait!  I know I'm going to have a great time - and I really need a night out.  I can't believe I haven't mentioned her in my blog until now - but I'm sure she'll make a frequent appearance from here on out.  My creative juices aren't exactly in prime form this morning - so ya'll leave a suggestion for a catchy code name for her.  I like Bestie - but it looks too much like "Betsy".  Besides, I want to something unique and special - just like she is to me.  AWWWW!!!  :)

Till next time.  ;)

What's Up with the Allergies?

A few days ago, I noticed that I was sneezing A LOT!  Yesterday, my throat started hurting A LOT!  I really thought I was coming down with something - I mean, I've been told over and over that now I'm working in a school, I will pick up all kinds of germs and ailments in my first couple of months.  Now, my eyes are all puffy, my head is pounding -and I know I'm not coming down with anything... it's allergies!!

I really don't know what's going on.  Usually, during the months of April and May I can barely see because my allergies are so bad.  Up until this year, every year for the past 15 or 16 years my allergies have gotten so bad in the spring I've had to use a nebulizer because my allergies give me seasonal asthma - which in turn has turned into pneumonia on some occasions.  This year, that didn't happen.  I had the sniffles a few times, but I was outside running most days in April and May and never had a problem.  I had a lot of people tell me that being outside helped.  Not sure all that's true, but I didn't have many problems.  Now, it's September, and those allergies I usually get in April and May are happening now.  This has never happened before!  Why, all of a sudden, is it happening in September?  I've never had allergies in the fall.

I've noticed that other allergies have started popping their head up, too.  Up until this year, I've NEVER been allergic to anything - except having seasonal allergies.  Now, all of a sudden, I get hives anytime my body comes into contact with metal.  If I wear a belt with a metal belt buckle, I get a nasty rash on my stomach.  I bought a really cute, metal watch a few weeks ago.  I wore it a couple of days, and noticed that my wrist looked like I had been attacked by a swarm of fire ants.  What in the heck is going on with me?  Is it common for people to suddenly develop allergies at 28 years old?  I guess so, cause it's happening to me!

There's a reason I share this whine fest.  The reason being, I couldn't run last night because my nose was so stopped up, my throat was so sore, and my eyes were so swollen - I didn't want to add insult to injury.  It's really ticked me off!  The cardio circuit work-out was cancelled again last night, so I really needed to get out and run.  When I took the kids out at the end of the day to wait for their parents to pick them up, I was outside for maybe 10 minutes.  By the time I came back inside, my allergies has kicked in to high gear.  I knew that there would be no way I'd make it around the track like that - and being that I was wheezing... I thought it best to just come home. 

I woke up this morning looking like I've been in a fight - and I got my butt kicked.  Two swollen eyes, a red nose, chapped lips, and my voice sounds like I've been crying for three weeks.  I'm miserable!!  Now, I get to go spend the day in my University classes.  This is going to be fun! **Insert sarcasm**

For those of you that are so wonderful at being supportive - it really won't help suggesting allergy medicine for me to take.  I have a very weird situation when it comes to medicine, too.  Medicine knocks me out - and I mean any kind of medicine.  Just taking an Advil for a headache will have me passed out for 2 hours.  Plus, in the past 16 years, my body has built up quite a tolerance for every kind of allergy medicine out there.  I've taken them all - and have no luck.  Some might take the "edge off" but for the most part, I end up taking some medicine, get knocked out for a few hours, and then wake up just as bad as I was before I took the medicine.  I really hope that this is all temporary - just while the weather is changing.  I usually really enjoy fall -and don't want this year to be any different.  Plus, I have a competition to win - and that means getting outside and RUNNING!!!!  I really wanted to test the theory that being outside a lot will help - well that's not possible if just stepping outside for a few minutes sends me into full allergy attack.  Got to be safe, rather than sorry I guess.

OK - enough for today.  I've been quite a negative Nelly this week... that's not how I like to be.  So, I will just suck it up - or should I say sniff it up - for now, and see how long this mess lasts.

Till next time.  ;)

Biggest Loser Week 2 Weigh-In

Yesterday morning I spewed a post out about how nervous I was about my weigh-in.  I shouldn't say spewed, because that's not exactly a great word to describe my writing.  I mean spew to represent pouring my heart out - not throwing up!  Although with the nerves I was feeling, I could of easily done that, too!

Having that kind of pressure really makes me realize how much I want to win this competition.  I told you yesterday that I'm focused on the prize - but in reality, knowing that I could be a week or two a way from being under 200lbs has me feeling pretty giddy.  I've worked so hard to get this far.  Losing 57lbs is huge.  I've lost more than my two year old weighs!!  I'm so happy about that.  Now, I see that 200 mark in my sights...that's a big marker.  I want to run right past it and flip it the bird on my way.

So, I get to the school yesterday morning.  Before I left, I had 2 cups of coffee - that's it.  I didn't have my usual mug of coffee that I take for the drive.  My mental anxiety was so much that I even stressed that I was going to regret the two cups of coffee.  I wait patiently for the school nurse to arrive to do my weigh-in...OK, not exactly patiently...I paced up and down in the office - maybe I was trying to burn off a few more calories.  The nurse arrives.  I walk up to the scale.  She reminds me of my weight last week: 210lbs.  I step on to the scale...numbers are rolling...my heart is racing...then I hear the "beep".  I couldn't look.  I looked at the nurse to see her expression.  Her eyebrows were raised - that's good, right?  I slowly look down... the scale says:  206.8  WHAT???  REALLY?  YAY!!!!  I jumped off the scale, let out a big cheer, and made the nurse laugh.  I couldn't of been more psyched.  In one week, I lost a total of 3.2lbs!!

After my weigh-in I was on cloud nine.  I felt so happy.  Then, after my excitement started to wear down - just a little - I started thinking that if I could lose 3lbs in a week with only working out twice - what I could I do if I actually did all of the work-outs I was supposed to?  If I run twice before next week, do two cardio circuit work-outs, and work-out with some weights...could I lose more than that?  There's only one way to find out - and that's exactly what I plan on doing!  The game is on now.  I had a great first weigh-in...but I know that I could of worked harder.  Knowing that I could of worked harder and still lost 3lbs tells me that this is it...I'm going to do this!! 

Last week, I shared that there was quite a difference between what the scale at work said about my weight compared to what my scale said.  I did get on my scale this morning - and there is still a difference - but to save my own sanity, I decided to put my scale away.  I'm not going to stand on it for the next nine weeks and only use the school scales.  I really want the excitement and nerves each week - it really pushes me to do well.  Even though the school scale says more than what my scale does - I'm totally fine with using that scale as my measure.  It gives me more weight to lose to get below the 200 mark - but then when I do use my scale again, it will be a lot nicer to look at the smaller number when it's all said and done. 

That's it for today.  I am so happy to share my success with you all.  Tonight, I'm hoping that the rescheduled cardio circuit work-out is still on - otherwise, I'm off to the track for a 4 mile run/walk. 

Till next time.  ;)

Getting Ready to Weigh In

I'm nervous.  My stomach is grumbling, my mind is racing - and I woke up this morning feeling weird.  Not weird like I'm not feeling well, or excited weird... it's weird, because I woke up this morning feeling heavy!!  I've never had this feeling before - I mean, of course I've had this feeling.  I wake up every morning feeling heavy - I'm over 200lbs - what I mean is my Biggest Loser weigh-in has me all flustered.  All week, I've been feeling really great about the competition, how I'm eating, getting two work-outs in (not a bad start) - but this morning, I don't feel that great feeling.  I'm hoping it's just my nerves being silly.  I don't know what I'm going to do if I get on that scale and I'm actually heavier.

It usually takes me all of 3 minutes to pick out my clothes each morning.  This morning?  Fifteen minutes!!  I would pick something out and then use my hands as some kind of internal scale..."hmm, how much weight is this shirt going to add?"  "Will these pants be light enough?"  When I usually step on the scale, I'm stepping on in my undies or my PJ's.  Today, I have to weigh-in fully clothed.  How much impact will that have?

I really wonder what those people on the Biggest Loser show feel like each week on weigh-in day.  Do they feel like they're going to have a good number?  Do some of them wake up feeling like I did?  Does the mental game affect the physical one?  One thing, I know - regardless of what that scale says this morning...this competition has gotten to me.  I don't think this pressure is a bad thing.  I spent six months focusing on what the scale has told me.  Then I went though a "cleansing" period of not caring what the scale said - and just focusing on what I was doing with my food and work-outs.  Then I started my internship and my work-outs became non-existent.  That being the case, I was still able to lose a little weight.  I have been so proud of my accomplishments - and now, I'm involved with a competition.  A competition is a whole new ball of wax.  I'm in it to win it - no excuses, balls to the wall, going to do what I need to do.  The sad part is, the weight loss is going to be great - but I'm focused on the prize.  Knowing that I have the chance to win more than $150 is what has really fueled my fire.  Is that wrong?  Should I have my eye on the prize so much?  I don't know.  What I do know is, I've never felt this feeling when it came to stepping on a scale - and I'm not sure if I like it.

One thing I keep telling myself is that this is just the first week.  No matter what the scale says, I have nine weeks left to make a difference.  Then, I'm in battle with the feeling of "will I say this every week?"  Will the number I see on the scale this morning really motivate me to do better?  That part I think I know the answer to.  If I've lost - I will be happy, but challenge myself to do better next week.  If I've gained - I will be hard on myself.  I will tell myself that I should of done better.  But then what?  Will I race off to the track after work and start pushing myself harder?  Will I up the ante on work-out times?  I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see.  All I know is I don't want to wake up every Tuesday morning feeling like this.  This is NOT a feeling that I want to get used to or deal with.  I don't like it.

To add fuel to the fire - I didn't work out last night.  My cardio circuits group cancelled at the last minute and rescheduled for Wednesday.  I planned on just going to run instead, but when I saw the rain pouring down - I chickened out.  Maybe the guilt from not getting a good work-out in the night before is another reason I'm so flustered.  That could be it.  I mean, I could of come home and run on the treadmill.  I could of popped a cardio DVD in last night and did that - but nope, I did nothing.  That's probably it.  I feel guilty.  OK, enough already!!  No more negative feelings...that's not me!  Time to suck it up, deal with whatever the scale says, learn from it, and move on.

Here's to not having to listen to this mumbo jumbo next Tuesday - keep your fingers crossed.

Till next time.  ;)

Is There Bigger Than California King?

I don't get it.  I don't understand why after 2 1/2 years, Zoe she just decides to sleep in my bed.  I've been really lucky in regards to her not sleeping with us.  She always slept great in her own bed, did the transition from crib to toddler bed just fine, toddler bed to twin just fine, but now she has taken a liking to my bed.

Now, I have a California King sized bed.  Hubby is gone at night, so you'd think that it would be OK if Zoe decided to keep Momma company for a night...huh!!  Oh, there is one other "person" that shares my bed - and that would be my Silky terrier, Asia.  Now, a dog + a 2 year old = very little room for me - even in a Cal King!  Being in bed with them two is like sleeping in a hot dog bun!  Zoe insists on curling up right next to me. No matter how many times I scoot her into the middle of the bed, within minutes she's curled up in my face.  No matter how many times I move my dog, within minutes, she's curled up in the arch of my back.  I'm wedged, unable to move, and trying to get a good night's sleep like that is IMPOSSIBLE!!!

I have my wonderful hubby to thank for this.  He thought it would be a great idea to give Zoe her own steps into our bed.  Our bed is about her height, so she could never just jump into bed with us.  Because she's so independent, she wanted nothing to do with coming into our room in the middle of the night to be lifted into bed.  It's no surprise for her to go to sleep in her own bed, and then find her curled up on the couch the next morning - but now... now, she has her own steps that she can use to get into bed.  Thanks, honey!!

Last night, around 8pm, Zoe disappears.  After a few minutes, I hear the TV on in my room - so I go to inspect.  There's Zoe, with her pillow and blanket, curled up in my bed watching Dora.  Yes, the 2 year old knows how to turn the TV on AND how to find her favorite show... we're so proud.  I figure she'll watch TV for a while, get bored, and come out.  WRONG!! She falls asleep.  I try to go to bed at 10 - and that's when the fun of my trying to get some sleep begins.  After spending the night as a hot dog, I prayed for the sweet release of the alarm clock at 4am.  Of course, now though, I will be tired today.  I will come home, feel exhausted, and probably be in bed at 8...not how I like to start off my week!!  I can only hope that Zoe decides to sleep in her own bed - or on the couch - tonight.  If not, I'm thinking she can have the bed - and I will get a much better night's sleep on the couch.  If you're sitting there thinking "why don't you just move her?" Well, that is the easiest solution, but not as all as easy as it sounds.  Most of the time, I'm successful at moving her.  Some of the time, she wakes up as if her batteries have been completely recharged - even after being asleep for a little while - and then I'm up for another 3 to 4 hours before she decides it's time to go back to sleep.  When you go to bed at 10, and know you have to get up at 4, you really don't want to risk it. 

So, I get to start my week off ranting about my bad night's sleep.  Let's hope that sharing my bed with a 2 year old and a dog is the worst thing I have to deal with this week.  I have my cardio circuit work-out tonight, and my Biggest Loser weigh in tomorrow morning.  I'm really excited to see what kind of progress I made this week.  I have been a good girl, and stayed off of my scale.  I really want the element of surprise - whether good or bad - so I'm going to stick with just weighing in once a week for BL.

Well, guess I better leave it at that for today.  Never like starting the week off with a rant - but it was on my mind this morning, so I got to share...that's what this thing is for, right?

Till next time.  ;)

Image retreieved from:  http://redcrossselanprc.wordpress.com/2009/12/29/tired-collins/

It Goes to Show You How Quickly You Can Lose It...

I did it!!  I went out for a run last night!!  After three long weeks of making plans and just as many excuses, I finally got back out there.  The weather was beautiful, the track was completely empty, and there was a wonderful cool breeze keeping me company.  I put on my music, and then strapped my arm strap on.  I just have to mention, that I can now wear my phone strap around the top of my arm...and it's not tight at all!!  When I first bought it, I couldn't strap it around my bicep - because it wouldn't fit.  Now, it goes on with ease, and straps on well.  Anywho - music is on, and off I went.

I walked a mile, just like I planned.  Then it was time to run a mile.  I ran for about two minutes, and then that wonderful voice of mine said "I don't think we're going to make it a mile".  I had to agree.  My legs were screaming after 2 1/2 minutes.  So rather than just give up, I decided to break the last 2 miles up with walk/ run increments.  I ran as long as I could, and then I would walk for 30 seconds.  After the third mile, I was running for about 30 seconds and walking for a minute.  I decided to stop running, but I wasn't ready to stop walking.  I figured, if I couldn't run a full mile - I would make myself walk more...and so I kept walking.  I did another mile, and then I was happy.  I felt like I had pushed myself, got in a great work-out, and realized how my not running for three weeks had affected me.  Three weeks ago, I was running a full mile in about 13 minutes.  Now, I'm not able to run a full mile - I could of probably just kept "bouncing" at a slow jog, but I feel like I get a much harder work-out if I run hard for a while and then walk if I have to.  With that said, I've already changed my run plans.  Until my agility is back up, and I'm running (not jogging) the full mile again, I will continue to walk the first mile and then walk/run the second two miles, and then walk another mile. 

I really feel great this morning.  Despite having Zoe in bed with us last night, and my sleeping in a mangled mess causing me to wake up feeling anything but fully rested, I feel good.  Working out Friday night and then running yesterday has given me back the feeling I've been missing for way too long.  I've missed the feeling of accomplishment.  No, working out isn't always the most fun thing in the world, but I know that I can't reach my goals without it.  Being in hiatus for three weeks hasn't affected my weight too much, but it has affected my body.  I really liked  feeling myself getting stronger, fitter, and I felt my body was looking better because of it.  Not being able to run a full mile last night really made me realize that I can't just stop whenever I feel like it - to get lean and strong, I have to work at it ALL OF THE TIME!!  Like my wonderful Bob says "I want to be a lean, mean, fat-burning machine" and to do that, I need to be working out CONSISTENTLY!

So, great, I did my run.  Realized it affected me.  Must work harder.  Now - who wants to see an updated progress pic?  Oh, you do?  Great!! Cause I just happen to have one that I took before going on my run yesterday.  First, let's start with the "starting pic":

                                                      Yikes!!! Me at a whopping 263lbs!

                                                OK, you ready for me now?? Here you go!!

                                                                  Here I am at 206lbs.

Quite a difference - but still a long way to go.  I will be really happy when that bulge is gone from my stomach..LOL 

OK, guess that's it for today. 

Till next time. ;)