True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

I confess that day 2 of my fruit and veggie detox went very well.  I'll admit that it was tougher being at work, because there is a lot more temptation looking me in the face - but I made it through A-OK.

I confess that my total caloric intake yesterday was 1379 - 91 calories under my limit!  I was still way over with protein, but everything else was below limit.  It's weird.  I stop eating so much meat, and end up finding other ways to pack on the protein.

I confess that I didn't go to the gym yesterday afternoon, and I have absolutely no excuse for it.

I confess that I'm excited that for this week only (starting today), I get to leave work about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do - which gives me an extra 15 minutes at the gym.  And despite not going yesterday, the thought of having those extra 15 minutes each day is exciting.

I confess that I just remembered I volunteered to help out after school tomorrow for a school function.  Which means there won't be any gym tomorrow.  Dang it!  Now I'm really ticked about not going yesterday.  Oh well, I get an extra 15 minutes today and Thursday at the gym.  That still gives me the equivalent of working out the normal time of three days.

I confess that I'm a little nervous about having to eat back my exercise calories.  And I may not, even though I'm supposed to.  That's simply because yesterday, I ate enough food to keep me full all day - and the thought of eating more than that is a little mind boggling.   Although, I'm an advocate for eating back my exercise calories - so maybe I'll treat myself to a yogurt for dessert after dinner, or maybe I'll eat a handful of almonds.  We'll see.

I confess that after only two days of eating clean, I already feel a lot more energetic.  Sunday night, I went to sleep pretty late - after 11pm actually.  I got up yesterday at 4:15am.  I was pretty tired for a while yesterday, but by the end of the day I felt much better.  I wasn't able to go to sleep last night until after 10pm, and I was up at 4:30 this morning.  I'm hoping my exercise will wear me out this evening - so I can go to bed earlier and get a decent night's worth of sleep.

I confess that while the rest of my family ate homemade burritos for dinner last night, I ate a heaping pile of veggies with a couple of spoonfuls of the burrito meat.  The plate didn't look very appetizing, but it tasted amazing.  I even snapped a pic...

That's a concoction of salad greens, salsa, burrito meat, natural guacamole, fat-free sour cream, onions, and peppers.  It looks terrible - but tasted fantastic.  Plus it was only 399 calories.  Which is probably a little over half of the calories of what everyone else in my house ate - except a lot more food.

I confess that my body is starting to feel different, already.  It made just be some mind play, but my body feels lighter.  Not once yesterday did I feel bloated or lethargic.  I felt lighter, more aware, and.. well... healthier.  I noticed a bounce in my step - even at the end of the day when I'm usually exhausted and ready to get home and get on the couch.   I'm enjoying the foods I'm eating.  My body is enjoying the foods being put in to it.  And, still considering I'm only 2 days in, I feel that I will get through this week being successful and eating clean.

Till next time. ;)

Identifying the Root Causes of My Weight Problem

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling a little better this morning.  No, a lot better.  After yesterday's Nobody Likes Me Whaaa Pity Party, I had to get out of the house.  I had to get away from everything.  I hadn't felt so gloomy in such a long time - and I didn't like the way it made me feel, or react for that matter.  So, Hubby and I got the kids dressed and we went out for a while. 

I probably don't have to tell you what I did when I went out.  When I feel as crappy as I did yesterday - and its purely emotionally driven - there's one thing I seek.  Food.  Yes, I let my emotions drive me.  Yes, it's a terrible, terrible excuse.  But, for the first time in a long time I needed that food.  Not to ease my suffering, not to calm my nerves - I needed it to make me realize and smack myself in the face that this is a behavior pattern I. MUST. BREAK!  As soon as I was done eating, I felt sick.  Physically sick.  I didn't feel better, I felt ten times worse.  It wasn't guilt.  It wasn't the food cooked improperly.  It was my inner me screaming "THIS WILL NEVER MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, ONLY WORSE!"  So, I picked up the book I bought to help me out - and I started reading.

I got half way through the first chapter.  To the portion of the chapter that discusses finding the root of my weight problem.  I will say right now, that I'm not going to tell you everything about the book.  I'm pretty sure that's some kind of copy right violation.  What I will say, however, is that this portion of the book - finding my root cause - asks me to answer a TON of questions.  It tells me to write the questions down in a journal and answer them - honestly.  Well, this is my journal, so this is where I'm going to answer those questions... honestly.  Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules by copying the questions here.  If you plan on reading them, and my responses - I apologize in advance...this is going to be one LONG post.

Do you have parents with weight problems?
Yes.  My mom has struggled with her weight just as long as I have.  She was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago.  She managed to lose enough weight to control her diabetes with food and exercise.  Then, she gained some of the weight back and is still struggling.  My dad had always suffered from major heartburn issues, that ended up causing him to have a surgery to help.  That surgery prevents him from eating certain foods, he has to eat much slower.  He's managed to lose some weight because of it - a lot, actually - but it was his eating habits that earned him the surgery in the first place.

Do you drink too much sugary soda?
No.  I hardly ever drink soda.  I may have a Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Cherry Pepsi once every few days, or once a week, but that's about it.

Do you get less than 30 minutes of exercise or physical activity each day?
I work in an environment that has me up on my feet and walking around the building most of the day - but unless I go to the gym or go out for a jog, I don't really get my 30 minutes each day.  I'm working on it - but I still have more days a week that has less activity than those days I make myself exercise.

Do you watch more than 1 hour of TV a day?
Yes.  During the week, 6pm till bedtime (around 9) is TV time.  On the weekends, it's about the same - but then I'm sitting in front of the computer just as long as I sit in front of the TV.

Do you get enough sleep?
For the most part, yes.  I try to get 7 hours of sleep each night.  I go to bed at 9 and get up at 4.  I sleep a little longer on the weekends.

Do you eat mindlessly?
Oh, yes.  This one really needs no explanation.  I eat for all emotions, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm watching TV.  Mindless eating is my biggest hurdle, that's for sure.

Do you live or work in an environment that makes it difficult to eat healthfully and keep moving?
I try not to live in that environment.  I've tried to adjust the family's mindset in what foods are brought in to the house and eaten.  Work?  Yes.  There's always some sweet treat or luncheon or something going on in the break room that tempts me.  A teacher's lounge can be a smorgasbord of temptation and mindless eating.

Those are the main questions, then there are these questions that are meant to help me identify deeper root causes....these questions take up a whole page in the book.  There are a ton of them.  They are probably the most important of all the questions.  I have to answer them, so I understand if you want to skip this...

How do you feel about your weight?
Well, I hate it.  I want it to be at a healthy range.  I want to feel better about the way I look and feel.

Is having a healthy weight a high priority in your life that's worth your time and energy to address?
YES!

Do you have enough concentration to focus on your weight problem, your poor eating habits, and your sedentary lifestyle?
I do.  I just need some guidance and help keeping me concentrating on it.

What is distracting you from your focus?
Stress.  That's probably my main distraction.  Stress with focusing on wanting a teaching job so bad.  Stress with dealing with the issues with Butter.  Yes.  Definitely stress.

Do you feel that you are doomed to be overweight and it does not matter how hard you try?
Sometimes.  There have been days and weeks where I feel like I have my mind on the prize - and then one small, insignificant event takes place that has me messing up or sabotaging myself.  I have often thought that I'll never get it, I'll never succeed.

Do you eat just to feel better, if only for a short time?
Yes.  Constantly.  It's no surprise, but food is my drug.  I find myself often looking for the next "quick fix", even if I know full well that I'll regret the decision later.

Are you eating before you go to bed because you are tired? Are you attached to certain unhealthy foods late at night? Why? What triggers you to eat just a little while after finishing your meal?
It's possible I eat before bed because I'm tired, I never really thought about that before.  I am attached to sweeter foods in the evenings - cookies, chocolate, ice-cream.  I don't know why, again I've never really sat down and thought about it.  I just get an urge for something sweet in the evening - and if it's available to eat, I eat it.  I account boredom to eating shortly after finishing a meal.  If I'm just sitting and watching TV, I often get the urge to snack. 

Are you using food to fill an emotional void, relieve loneliness, or cope with your anxiety, fears, or stress?
Yes.  Yes.  And yes!


Do you continue to eat when you are full, and how does this make you feel?
I do continue to eat, sometimes, when I'm full.  I do it because it was kind of how I was conditioned.  I was always taught that I should clear my plate during a meal and to not waste food.  Often it makes me feel tired, lethargic, and uncomfortable.  I know it's something I need to get over - but sometimes I don't even realize how full I am until my plate has been cleared.

Is overeating a Band-Aid to cover up another type of pain?  Are you trying to feed an emotional hunger?  Are you using food as a crutch?  Do you use food to ward off the painful, heart-wrenching feelings that you have buried deep in your heart?
I had never really thought about this until my last visit with Butter's therapist.  I knew that I used eating to handle stress, but had never considered that I used food to cope with feelings I've buried or tried to forget about.  I haven't yet been able to identify these deep, painful feelings.  I assume that they are probably triggered to the horrific relationship I had with Butter's bio-father.  As much as I've convinced myself that he's behind me, and the pain and agony that man caused me is long gone - my eating may suggest otherwise.  Maybe now the surface has been scratched for me to dig deep and unleash the feelings I've been hiding and trying to forget for years - it's brought about the sad feelings I've felt the past couple of days.  Back then, I was told over and over that nobody liked me, nobody cared about me.  So, when I feel that way - I eat.  I was told I was weak, ugly, useless - and that I'd never account for anything or do anything with my life.  When I stress about not finding a teaching job - I eat.  One of my biggest fears is that Butter turns out like him, so when I see similarities or behaviors that remind me of that man - I eat.  Wow - seeing it in black and white for the first time...it hurts, but also feels freeing somehow.

Now that I've answered the questions about the emotions surrounding my mindless eating, the next set of questions focus on some other miscellaneous factors....

Where do you get your information?  From a credible source?  Or from magazines, TV shows, or advertisements that sensationalize results and make promises they can't fill?
I've had my experience with fad diets and magic pills - and didn't like any of them.  I try to do my research, but I stick to the mentality that I'll lose weight if I eat less and exercise more.  As much as I tried to fight it, I've come to terms with how important it is to keep track of the calories I'm consuming, and the amount I'm burning when I work out. 

Do you find yourself being affected by food commercials on TV or in magazine advertising?
Not really.  I mean, I've seen commercials and thought "wow, that looks good" but not enough to where I run out and buy whatever it is.

Have you been the victim of countless diet books that have led you to lose confidence in your ability to reach a healthy weight?
Yes and no.  I have several dieting books, but once I start hearing about the restrictions or limits the certain plan requires - I usually shy away.  At the end of the day, the dieting books I have read all say the same thing:  You have to eat less and exercise more.  I just don't like being told that certain foods are off limits, or I have to partake in crazy amounts of exercise.  My body just doesn't function well with those types of restrictions or expectations. 

Do you have a preexisting health condition that prevents you from exercising?  If you do, did you seek out the advice of a professional to help you find appropriate physical activities that you can do on a daily basis?
I have very bad knees - hardly any cartilage left in either of them.  I was instructed back in 2010, when I first started exercising for the first time in years, that I had to be careful.  My doctor instructed me that if I lost weight, my knees wouldn't hurt so much.  Yet, if I pushed my knees too hard, I'd end up with more problems.  I was advised to take it slow - walking, light weight training, etc.  Once I built up more endurance and strength, I would be able to accomplish more.  And that was true.  I got to be able to jog for 3 miles at a time and felt absolutely no discomfort while exercising.  Now that a lot of the weight is back, I feel the discomfort again - which means I have to lose the weight again.

Lastly....listen to your heart.  What are your inner longings?  How are you going to fulfill these longings?  Do your self-talk, beliefs, or interactions with others hinder you from maintaining healthy eating and active living?  Are you your own worst enemy?  Have you put time and effort into healthy eating and active living?  Why or why not?
My inner longings are to be at a healthy weight, be able to run for miles, feel confident in who I am and with my appearance.  I try to surround myself with people and things that remind me how important my healthy eating and active living is.  But I am my own worst enemy.  I am the one that self-sabotages.  I am the one that strays from the focus for silly reasons.  I tell myself that I'm going to put in the time and effort, but I fail more than I succeed.  Why?  Because I need to work on freeing myself from the excuses, freeing myself from the emotions....and driving myself until I succeed.

Answering those questions has definitely opened my eyes.  Will all my problems now be over?  Of course not.  But, just as a drug addict takes the first step by admitting they have a problem - I, too, have taken that first step.  Now it's up to me to start working on those problems.  The road will be long.  The journey will be hard. 

I had a great week, last week.  The success I felt is what I want to feel every single day.  I am the only one that can make that happen.  I am going to keep reading this book, following the advice...and hopefully, good things are going to come my way. 

First step?  I'm going for a run.  Right now.

Till next time. ;)

Call Me a Loser All You Want! - Weigh In Time!

Dear Diary...

For pretty much the first time since the beginning of the year - and starting this journey over yet again - I was actually looking forward to this morning's weigh in.  You may need to read that again just to be sure I said what you actually thought I said.  It's true.  I knew this week was going to be different.  No last minute excuses, no last minute explanations as to why I'm expecting to see a gain - none of that. 

Before I actually get to the numbers, though, I do have something to admit to you.  I didn't get to go meet Patrick House last night (Season 10's Biggest Loser).  No, let me rephrase that - I didn't go to meet Patrick House last night.  After getting out of Butter's therapy session - that was after 5pm - I was exhausted.  That's a terrible excuse, one that I regretted while driving home.  THEN, I got home, and saw that Patrick had posted to his Facebook that he was in L.A. filming.  Come to find out, he had to put off his appearance at my gym for a week cause he's in L.A. filming an episode of Biggest Loser.  I didn't miss him after all - and you can bet I'll be there next week.  No excuses!

So.  Let's get to those numbers, shall we?

On my first weigh in of the year, I weighed 239.8lbs.  Since that time, I've gained.  A lot.  Last week, getting up to 244.4lbs,  I decided to ditch my old ways and go back to basics.  I logged all my food, I counted calories.  Did it make a difference?  You tell me.  This week I weighed in at...241.6lbs!!!  That's a loss of 2.8lbs!!!

I'm very happy with that number.  Even though I made a few changes this week, I still made a few bad choices and skipped a few work-outs.  My immediate reaction was to think about how much more I would have lost if I had stuck to all of my goals and worked out more and didn't partake in the two moments of weakness and eat junk food.

But, then I told myself I'm not going to do that.  Losing almost 3lbs in a week is something to be very proud of - despite any mistakes I made.  Mistakes mean I have room for improvement.  They will most likely happen every single week - but as long as I can still pull numbers as great as this?  I'll be just fine. 

This week has really given me a different outlook on the whole process.  I can't believe I was such a naysayer about logging my food - but the proof is in the pudding, right?  I gave it a week, and the results of my week show how important that tiny step is in this whole process.  Done are my days of saying it's not important to count calories.  I was in idiot - I'm OK to admit that.  Now, I'm a loser... and I couldn't be more happier about that!  I am also going to use my food logging on my Reward Jar.  For every week I log all of my food - every day - I now earn a $5 bonus!

Along with making the change to logging my food, I am also going to be making a very huge step towards doing something I never thought I'd do.  I am going to start getting some counseling.  I'll admit that I have been taking a bit of an advantage of Butter's therapist.  Well, yesterday, he point blank called me out on it.  He could tell I was struggling.  He could tell that I needed him - for my own reasons, not just Butter's.  As much as I've tried to think otherwise, I have a lot of demons in my closet that I can't just let go by myself.  Holding on to my past - as much as I keep telling myself I don't - is affecting my weight, the way I parent, and my life in general.

I've been struggling a lot since Butter came out of the hospital with stepping back in to the role of a dominant parent figure towards Butter.  I coddle him.  I kept telling myself that if I approached him with nothing but love, he'd never want to be that boy that got him put in the hospital ever again.  And then, I admitted to the therapist my biggest fear:  I never want Butter to turn out like his bio-father.  What I thought to be a nothing more than a concern turned out to be the statement the therapist had been waiting for me to admit:  My past is affecting me.  Until I can let go of the guilt and frustration and mental anguish that man from my past put on me - and what I fear will develop in my son - I will never be able to give Butter what he truly needs.  I am basically enabling Butter to do the very thing I'm scared of happening.  The only way to fix that is by facing the issues head on - and now I'll have a therapist to help me through it.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be very tough on me.  There are going to be some major changes in my house.  I was given a list of things to do this week by my therapist, and some of those things scare me.  Some of those things are going to upset Butter - big time.  But, everything he's asked me to do is necessary.  One of my hardest tasks is going to be making a list of the fears I've overcome and the fears I still have.  The therapist is going to help me with as many as he can.  He's going to help me face my fears, and give me the tools to let go of my past, let go of my guilt, and stop worrying about who Butter may become.

There are so many factors that can play on weight gain and loss.  I'm quickly realizing that it's not just about what I eat and whether or not I work-out.  In order for my body to let go of the junk, my mind has to also let go of the junk.  It's something I'm prepared to do.  No, it's something I want to do - more than anything.  Just getting rid of the weight won't be enough.  I've already learned that lesson.  It will just come back.  Until I can get rid of the junk that causes me to mindlessly eat and sit on the couch rather than work-out, I have no hope.  But, I do have hope.  And hope is going to get me through.

My goals for today:

• Log my food
• Drink lots of water
• Work out at the gym

Till next time. ;)

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Dear Diary...

What an amazing weekend it's been.  It was a great combination of relaxation, activities, time with family, and time alone.  I learned a little about myself this weekend, too.

I learned that a little haircut and style can have a huge impact on the outside AND the inside.  With just a couple of inches cut off my hair, I feel like a different person.  I don't look in the mirror, now, and see a girl that has lost hope or is fighting a losing battle.  I see a woman that's determined.  I see a woman that doesn't have to live in sweat pants forever, or feel uncomfortable that her clothes are too tight - for much longer.  I see a woman that is going to start making some serious progress in the coming weeks.  She's in it to win it.

I learned that there are going to be occasions when just because I post my goals on here, doesn't necessarily mean I'll definitely complete all of them.  There may have been a couple of goals that I didn't get accomplished over the past couple of days - that I will divulge in tomorrow's confession post.  

Regardless, I learned that just because I don't complete a goal doesn't make me weak or a failure.  As long as I stick to the important stuff - logging, exercising, etc. - that a minor slip up can be overcome as long as I dust myself off immediately and don't just give up on the whole day.  

I learned that the past couple of weeks in the gym has definitely increased my stamina.  After a few failed attempts over the past couple of months, yesterday I completed the first week of Couch to 5K.  Again.  I did the whole program once before.  But, after almost a year of no exercise and mindless eating - I lost the ability to run more than a few seconds.  Yesterday, I was able to do 20 minutes of 60 jogs/ 90 second walk intervals.  A small step in the right direction to working back up to running 3 miles - but a huge milestone... being that a little over a month ago the first 60 second run caused me more pain than I want to admit.  

I learned that even though I still don't have the stamina to jog 3 miles, I can still walk it.  I finished 2.85 miles yesterday.  I would have gone the full 3 miles, but I apparently miscalculated the round trip and arrived back at home a little shy of my mark.  My pace was extremely slow (18min/mile) but I don't care one bit.  The fact that I just got out there and did it is a win in my books.

I learned that now that the weather is warmer, my plans to go to the gym on Sundays may have to be altered.  I may be ditching the gym on the weekends and focusing my efforts to Couch to 5K.  I can still get cardio and strength training at the gym in during the week - and then go for a jog on Saturday, Sunday, or both.

I learned that yelling "Bingo!" is a jolt of pure happiness.  It happened, again, yesterday.  Twice in fact.  I won an early game that earned me $37...and I was happy with that.  After my big win a couple of weeks ago, that was enough for me.  Then, the last game of the night came.  The game that I've wanted to win every since I started playing bingo years ago.  It's the Pick 8 game - in which you pick your own 8 numbers to play.  Well, the luck gods were definitely on my side yesterday...and I won the game I've waited 12 years to win.  It earned me $500!!  I'll be giving bingo a break, for a while, as I know when there's only so much luck a person can have.  The wins I've had in the last couple of weeks couldn't have come at a better time.  There's so much stuff that has been needing to be done, but the lack of funds has prevented it.  We've finally been able to get a few of those things done - and now have a couple more that we can check off the list.

I learned that even though I focus on telling myself over and over again that I won't eat fried food - I may still eat it.  Plugging my food in to My Fitness Pal yesterday was nerve wracking.  I had told myself that I would not eat the junk food provided at the bingo hall - and what do I do?  Yep.  I ate it.  You can't win 'em all.  Right?  

But, I also learned that I can eat some fried food - and still be under my calorie goal for the day.  That doesn't just wash the slate clean and give me a free pass.  I know that the sodium alone in the fried food will make me retain water which won't reflect well on the scale.  But, I used that moment of weakness as my main meal for the day - and made sure that everything else I ate was on point.  Leading to still being under my calorie goal by 400 calories.  

So, as you can see, I learned quite a bit this weekend.  I know that every day isn't going to be perfect.  That doesn't set the tone for who I am.  It was one of the reasons I didn't want to post goals in the first place.  I worried about what would happen, and what I'd feel like if I didn't complete all of them.  But you know what?  I feel OK.  I know I wasn't perfect and there's still lots of room for improvement.  I know I'm still learning.  After going at this process for as long as I have, I know that I'm going to be fighting battles of temptation, laziness, and defeat every single day.  I'll win some.  I'll lose some.  It doesn't mean I'll give up on the war.

This past week, compared to the last many weeks, has proven to be a good week.  By just tweaking a few things here and there, I don't feel so lost or defeated or confused.  For the first time in way too long, I have a feeling of hope inside of me.  I'm back on the right track.  That's for sure.  And nothing can stop me now.

Till next time. ;)

Time To Call on an Old Pal... Weigh In Time

Dear Diary...

I'm upset.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm confused.  And I feel all of those things even though I knew what was going to happen this morning.

I knew I was going to stand on the scale and see another gain.  The weekend was bad.  I get that I have to pay for my consequences.  What I didn't realize was how bad the gain was going to be.  I thought maybe a pound.  At the worst, almost two.  But what I saw before me this morning has left a hole in my stomach, and in my heart.

Last week, I stood on the scale and saw 241.8lbs.  That was a 2.4lbs gain from the week before.  This week I just couldn't prepare myself for what I saw.  The scale read 244.4lbs.  In a week, I've gained 2.6lbs.  That means, in the past two weeks, I've gained 5lbs.  UGH!!!!

When I started this year out, I weighed 239.8lbs.  We're coming to the end of the second month of the year.  A month where I should be celebrating around a 10lbs loss.  But no.  Instead, I'm seeing a total of almost 5lbs gained.  I've gone down a little in the past few weeks - but I've skyrocketed back up again these past two weeks.  Which is very frustrating because the last two weeks - I've actually been working out. 

One thing I can be a little happier about is that my scale was MUCH nicer to me than the scale used for my Biggest Loser weigh in yesterday.  Last week, I weighed in at 241lbs for that.  Wanna know what I saw on that scale yesterday morning?  246lbs!!  A 5lb gain in a week!  Thank goodness I was able to drop a couple of pounds overnight before my weigh in this morning.... or I may have just gone completely off the deep end.

This week has taught me that I have serious problems when it comes to my food intake.  I've finally been able to get myself off the couch and in the gym - but my working out is basically for nothing, when I stuff my face with empty calories all day long. 

Anyone that has read my blog for a while will know that I am not a fan of calorie counting.  In my mind, logging everything I eat every single day is not something that is realistic to a lifestyle change.  That was my opinion.  Still is, really.  But, I'm also big enough to admit when I need some serious help.  A kick in the right direction.  A way to be able to see what I'm doing wrong - and find a way to try and fix it.

So, yesterday, I decided it was time to rekindle a friendship with an old pal.  I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner.  This pal of mine got me started on the road to weight loss a little under two years ago.  My pal got me facing the amounts of calories I was consuming, and helped me adjust accordingly until I was capable enough to make the right food choices without having to log everything.  That pal?  Well, it's My Fitness Pal, of course!

I started out by logging all of the food I'd eaten on Monday.  I was so surprised to see that I'd eaten 2095 calories - even though I thought I'd had a "good" day.  Once I saw in black and white the amount of calories I'd put in to my body - and where they came from - I was able to immediately begin making some adjustments.  Yesterday, I consumed 1,564 calories.  That was still eating three meals and two snacks.   My target amount is 1,480 a day without considering exercise calories - and I burned 300 calories at the gym yesterday, which bumped my food calories to a goal of 1,780.  So, I did very well for the actual first day of logging.  In just one day, I tweaked my food intake enough to knock 500 calories from the "diet" I was eating every day.  No wonder I've been gaining 2+lbs a week!

It's been a while since I've used the mobile version, and I'm very happy with the updates that have appeared since the last time I used it.  I am now able to scan my foods in while I'm eating using the bar code scanner.  That's a big plus for me.  It's hard, sometimes, to fit in the time to log what I eat when I'm at work...or try to remember it later.  Now?  Well, I just enter in my meals as I'm eating them and scan in my snacks.  A big time saver. 

Despite this very depressing start to my day, I feel like this is definitely a new beginning.  I can admit when I'm wrong.  I started this year off with the mentality that I'd be able to pick up where I left off a year ago.  I thought I'd magically be able to eat right, exercise often, and watch the pounds disappear before my very eyes.  Apparently, I had to see what was really happening before my eyes before admitting my mistakes.  I thought I'd be fine without setting goals for myself.  I thought I would be fine without logging my food.  I thought I'd be fine and I was wrong.  I need the goals.  I need the logging.  For now.  I have to retrain my body, retrain my mind, and I'm in no hurry to get rid of the tools that will help me do that. 

I am happy to report that yesterday, once again, I completed all of my mini goals.  I drank more than 60ozs of water.  I completed 30 minutes on the elliptical.  It was hard, but I pushed through it.  I ate my meals, kept my portion sizes small - and stayed below my calorie target.  I even earned my $5 bonus for working out three times this week.  Which, by the way, I've decided to update to reflect $5 for working out three times and $15 if I work out five times in a week.  Nice little incentive, if I say so myself.

Today, I'm going to:

• Log all of my food into My Fitness Pal
• Keep my calories below 1,600
• Complete the 30 minute circuit training at the gym and follow it up with the ab circuit
• Drink at least 60ozs of water

I am determined to make this week my best week since the start of the year.  I'm determined to make my goals and reach them each day.  I'm determined to get my eating under control.  I just had to hit rock bottom before I was truly ready to admit that.  Well, rock has been reached - and it hit me hard on the bottom.  Here's to a much better week next week!

Till next time. ;)

Reaching My Breaking Point

Dear Diary...

Did you know that 50 days have passed since the beginning of the new year?  Yep.  Seven weeks have come and gone since everyone sang Old Lang Syne, kissed their families, and began the process of planning out their resolutions for 2012.

It also means that 50 days have passed while I've made empty promises to myself, continued to stuff my face with food I know I shouldn't, visited the gym a handful of times, and watched the scale continue to go higher and higher.  That's not what was supposed to happen.

This past weekend was amazing.  Regardless of what I'm about to tell you.  This weekend, I let my hair down and truly enjoyed myself.  I had such a great time being able to have some quality time with Hubby. But, I also got to get a glimpse to how out of control my life, eating, and waist line have become.  No, not a glimpse, a full blown punch in the face.  It was hard enough to knock the wind out of me...and the harsh smack of reality now has me wondering where did I go wrong?

I tried on a pair of pants while out Saturday.  They were cute and cheap.  I said I wasn't going to buy clothes for myself, but I figured one pair of pants wouldn't hurt.  I grabbed a pair of size 18s to try on.  It was hard enough doing that, being that this time last year I was wearing lose fitting size 16s.  Anywho, I tried on the size 18s and I couldn't get them buttoned.  No matter how much I squirmed and squeezed, they just weren't going on.  I almost cried right there in the changing room.  I had to go up to a size 20 in order to get them to fit...and even they are a little snug.  The whole situation made me so sad.  What happens when I get sad?  Yep, I eat.  I totally believe that's what brought on the giant dinner and dessert Saturday night.  For a faint second I just had the mentality that I was done.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I was tired of disappointing myself, tired of trying, and tired of pretending to be something I wasn't.

After leaving the restaurant, I was miserable.  Miserable because I'd eaten way too much, and miserable because I'd allowed myself to do it.  Hubby could sense how I was feeling.  We went to a few more stores before heading home, and he kept trying to get me to talk about how I was feeling.  But it was too late.  The damage had been done.  I did what I always do - put it behind me, pretended it didn't bother me, and decided not to worry about it.  However, looking back now, I realize that I couldn't just let it go.  Remember how I mentioned I had a terrible time trying to sleep Saturday night?  Now that I think about it - I wonder if it was because my mind was tormenting me, trying to get me to face my mistakes, make me take accountability for the damage I've done and continue to do to my body.

I really, truly believed that once the gym opened up at the beginning of this month, I'd magically transform in  to a new person.  I'd get rid of the person I'd become, and jump right back on to the horse of losing a ton of weight.  Well, I've been to the gym - but the scale continues to increase.  There's just no balance in my life.  I work-out a couple of times a week, but the eating outweighs the exercise.  What happens when one side isn't in sync with the other?  The scales become unbalanced - and work against me.

I wish I could sit here and say that everything is going to change.  But, really, how many times have I said that?  It can't be about words anymore.  I can tell myself over and over until I'm blue in the face that I'm going to change my behaviors - but until I actually start putting a process behind the statements...it's just empty, open words. 

At the beginning of the year, I made one promise to myself: No more empty promises.  I wasn't going to make goals, I wasn't going to set deadlines.  Why?  Because I end up failing, and then that makes me feel even worse.  I promised myself that I was going to take one day at a time, do what I could each day and start over the next day if things didn't go right.

I'm just not sure that mentality works for me now that I look at my progress thus far.  Telling myself that I can just start over tomorrow is another excuse - probably the worst excuse that I can have.  You know why?  Because tomorrow is always there - welcoming me with open arms, allowing me to do whatever I want today.  Things have to change.  I have to change.  I can't just start over tomorrow - I have to cease today.  I have to make everything count today.  I have to give everything I can today. 

So, I'm going to try something new...starting today.  Each day, I'm going to start posting mini goals again.  I know I said I didn't want to do that - but I need some accountability. I need to see success in being able to finish something I set my mind to.  Not outrageous goals - just simple, day to day goals.

Today I am going to drink lots of water.

Today I am going to not eat anything but breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack between lunch and dinner.

Today, when I eat those meals, I am going to eat small portions.

Today I am going to the gym and will complete 30 minutes of circuit training and 12 minutes of ab circuit training.

I've reached my breaking point.  I can't live like I've been living anymore.  It's now or never - and I have to take some initiative in seeing it through.  I know I can do this.  One day at a time.  

Till next time. ;)

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Dear Diary...

I'm dragging a little this morning.  Actually, I'm dragging a lot.  After going to bed at 2am, I was unable to sleep.  Even though I was exhausted.  I tossed and turned most of the night, napping here and there.  I finally gave up with getting any good, solid sleep around 9 this morning and just got up.  It's frustrating, really, because I should have slept like a baby last night.  After the day I had yesterday, every part of me was tired.

Let's get to that, shall we?  My day yesterday.  I left my house around 11 yesterday morning, and didn't get home until 11 last night.  Yes.  We were out for 12 hours.  There's a lot to tell you about...some good, some bad, and some down right ugly.

The Good:
I got my shoes!  My new training shoes.  I didn't get the ones that I had originally picked out.  After browsing around, I found a different pair - that look almost identical to the ones I originally picked out.  I went with Sketchers Ready, Set, Tone-Ups:

The only difference between these and the pair I picked out the other day while browsing online, are that these offer additional support on the arch of my foot that is removable (if I find it to be too much support), and the Resolyte soles that help tone thighs and calves while working out.  Plus, they were only $35!  Oh, and I also got a new gym bag.  That's pink trim with zebra stripes.  I can't wait to use both of them!  

I also got another pair of shoes...well, boots.  It was a total impulse buy that may lead to my never even wearing them - but they were $10.  Reduced down from $25.  That's a good deal, and I couldn't resist.  Plus, I don't own a pair of ankle boots.  Cute, right?

In addition to all that goodness, I also bought a new purse, some new scarves, a few head bands with the cute flowers, body sprays, a super cute silk nightie with a silk robe, some new undies, bras, a 4 slice waffle maker, and a Bluetooth headset for my phone...so I'm no longer driving and talking on the phone.  All in all, I came home with a huge stow of loot.  And I'm very happy with the bargains I hunted down.

The Bad:
There was nothing bad about my day.  The time spent with Hubby was amazing, and we had a lot of fun.  Having a Hubby that loves shopping as much as I do?  Probably should be listed here.  Hubby isn't like "typical" men when it comes to shopping.  It's one of the many, many things I love about him.  While some men would rather burn their eyes out with hot pokers than spend the day shopping with their significant other - Hubby loves every second of it.  He doesn't even mind when I drag him around store after store just looking at shoes and purses.  As long as there is some other shopping thrown in.  He won't hesitate to give me an opinion on clothes that I pick out - and loves to give his feedback when it comes to undergarments.

Why is this so bad?  Well, because we end up spending 10 hours out shopping...and spending money.  If I had a "typical" Hubby, I'd have probably been home after a couple of hours - with a lot of money still in my pocket.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything...despite how much damage we do while we're out.

Something else I want to add in this category.  The fact that I was able to buy stuff at J.C. Penney much cheaper than I was able to find it at Wal-Mart.  How bad is that?  All day long, I was hunting for a new silk nightgown.  Wal-Mart had a few for around $16.  None of them jumped out to me as being worthy of spending $16 on...especially that I own most of the styles they carry.  Then, Hubby and I went to JCP and I found the cutest nightgown and matching robe for $22.  Not even on sale!  The nightgown was $11 and the robe was $11.  At WM, they wanted $16 a piece for each item - and they weren't even that cute!  I'm not sure what's going on with the world's biggest retailer... but when the day comes that I can buy clothes cheaper at the mall than I can at WM - then my WM shopping days for anything but food are OVER!

The Ugly:
You know what's coming with this category, right?  Yes.  You guessed it.  The food consumption.  I wish I could sit here and say that I was a good girl, and made good choices while out.  But that would be a lie.  My first ugly experience came for breakfast.  The Waffle House.  Need I say more?  Oh, you want details?  Way to make me feel the pain of my decisions!  I went with two eggs over-easy, bacon, hash-browns, and toast...followed up with a chocolate chip waffle.  I could sit here and feed out a bunch of excuses, but there aren't any.  Not any that would justify my decision.  I was stupid.  But it was good.

All day long, I went without eating anything else.  I didn't even drink much of the Diet Dr. Pepper I bought while we were out.  Then, it was dinner time.  Hubby and I had already decided we'd eat at Red Lobster.  I could have gone with a light option, but I didn't.  I went for the Surf & Turf.  A sirloin steak, lobster tail, lobster baked potato, and broccoli.  Let's not forget the salad and garlic cheddar biscuits before the actual meal.  Those darn biscuits are so freakin' good!  I ate 3 of them.  That in it's self was probably enough calories for one dinner.  But, alas, I ate the salad, the biscuits, the huge dinner....and then ate a chocolate chip lava cookie with ice-cream.  I never order dessert when I go out and eat a meal.  I don't know why I had to this time - but I did.  And, again, it was good.  No, make that AMAZING!

Am I going to regret my food choices in a few days when I have to step on the scale?  You bet ya.  Do I regret indulging and just enjoying a fantastic weekend alone with my Hubby?  Not on your life!  Sure, once again, I made stupid, pointless food choices that I will once again regret come weigh in day... but the experience was worth it.  Something like this weekend probably won't happen again for a very long time.  All I can do now is enjoy the memory.

However, I will say before I go that this weekend was an eye opening experience.  It was border line depressing not wanting to buy clothes.  Or not being able to, because I've once again jumped up to a size that isn't carried in most department stores.  Looking at clothes with Hubby and making statements like "I'd look good in that if I lost about 50lbs" took a lot out of me.  Hubby was ready with the constant reinforcements and sweet sentiments to make me feel better - but it didn't really help.  It made me realize the damage I've done, and continue to keep doing apparently.  I truly can't wait to put my new shoes and gym bag to use.  My goal, now, is to be able to ready myself for the next opportunity Hubby and I get for a kid-free shopping weekend.  I will start putting money in to that Reward Jar, so that once the time comes - I'll be ready to shop till I drop for new clothes that make me look hot, sexy, and slim!

Till next time. ;)

Wednesday Weigh-In

Dear Diary...

Not happy this morning.  Not happy at all.  I knew I was going to see some damage on the scale this morning - but not this freakin' much!  A week after Aunt Flo leaves, I expect a loss.  Even if it is just her bloat weight baggage.  But not today.  Apparently she decided to leave a bunch of baggage behind when she left.

Last week, I weighed in at 239.4lbs.  That was almost a pound gain from the week before, which I expected because of AF.  Well, this week?  That gain has tripled.  This morning, I weighed 241.8lbs!  That's a gain of 2.4lbs.  To say that I'm unhappy, pissed off, and disappointed in myself is the biggest understatement EVER!  I know have to lose $4 out of my reward jar.  And I'm not earning anything this week from working out.  My reward ticker is surely starting to feel like a yo-yo.

The blatant honesty is, though, I did it to myself.  This past week was a rollercoaster of emotions.  First, I was sick.  That kept me out of the gym.  It also kept my butt planted firmly on the couch when I wasn't at work.  It also made me unhappy, which led me to mindless snacking.  Then, this weekend, I had a great emotional high with my bingo win.  That led me to mindless eating as a reward.  Oh, I have a little money? Well, then that must mean we have to eat out...and eat a ton of junk!  UGH!!

One thing I know for sure.  My eating is out of control.  I am still in the rut of emotional eating - maybe even worse than I've been in a long time.  It seems like each week I'm either dealing with one extreme or the other.  If I'm working out, I eat better.  If I'm not working out, I'm eating crap.  That's not an unusual concept... quite a common one, actually.  But, it goes to show how important my working out is.  If it's not there, the passion isn't there.  I'm not thinking about what I eat.  That just can't happen anymore.

I went to the gym last night.  I'll admit, I didn't really want to go by the time work was over.  It was Valentine's Day, which meant parties and hyped up, sugar loaded kids.  I was exhausted by the time I walked out the front door.  But, do you know what else I was?  Ashamed.  Because I had partaken in the V-Day activities, and dipped in to the cookies and chips that were on display in every classroom.  I was standing in the middle of a crossroad.  I could go home, knowing that I'd eaten crap...once again.  Or, I could go to the gym and try to extinguish some of the damage I had just done to myself.  I went with option B.  I had to. 

I got to the gym and met up with one of my friends.  It was so great having someone to work out with.  We did the 30 minute full body circuit training, and then did the 12 minute ab circuits.  It was my friend's first time, so she looked to me for guidance as to what she should do.  I'll admit it.  I felt kinda special.  Nobody has ever really looked to me for work-out advice.  It somehow pushed me to work harder.  I wanted to show that I knew what I was doing, I was committed to it, and that I was a 240lb woman that had determination to sweat my ass off.  I succeeded.  I think. I mean, I was able to really push myself - a lot harder than I have in a while - and I was dripping sweat by the time it was all done.

I was so glad that I went.  Even if I didn't want to, at first.  By the time I was done, I was pumped that I'd pushed myself and gotten through the barriers.  I upped the intensity on the weights.  I upped the intensity on the cardio steps.  I felt strong, and left happy.  I realized, once again, that the hardest part of working out is making the drive to the gym.  Once I'm there, I become a different person.  I want to work hard, I want to sweat.  It's a mind game that I'm tired of losing.  I want to make myself commit to at least getting to the gym every day that I can.  If I'm there 15 minutes, and I still don't feel it...then I can leave.  But, for some reason, I don't see that happening. 

I'm going back to the gym tonight.  I've decided that I'm going to alternate days with strength and cardio.  Being that I did strength training yesterday, I'll do about 30-45 minutes on the elliptical tonight.  I have some errands that I have to run after work, but I'm going to stop at the gym and get in as much as I can.  That's the mindset I need to get myself in.  Not letting other responsibilities get in my way.  Just because I have less time to work out doesn't mean I should just skip my workout.  It means I have to do what I can in the time that I have. 

I have learned a lot this week.  Mostly that I have a lot of work to do.  Especially in the food department.  Emotional eating is something that is hard to overcome.  I'm not even sure it's possible to overcome... but it can be controlled.  I know that when I'm working out, I'm cautious about what I'm eating.  That's because I don't want to waste the hard work I put in.  If I'm busting my behind to burn calories - the last thing I want to do is mindlessly eat and add calories that aren't needed.  The only way to control my eating is to make myself work out.  That's it.  Simple.  I have to have one with the other - or I get all out of whack. 

This weekend coming up is going to be a test.  I have the whole weekend alone with Hubby.  He's already told me that even though he doesn't celebrate V-Day - he's taking me out for a nice meal.  At a nice restaurant.  We will also be spending the entire day on Saturday out and about.  That may mean grabbing breakfast or lunch on the go.  What decisions will I make?  Well, as long as I keep in mind the work I've done in the gym this week - I should be OK.  Fingers crossed.

Goodbye 240+lbs... once again.  I've told you once that I never wanted to see your ugly face again.  I mean it this time.  You are officially evicted, exiled, banished.  I know I will have to fight - and fight hard - to permanently lose you.  But it's a fight I think I'm now ready for.  Be gone!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday....Valentine's Edition

Dear Diary....

Happy Valentine's Day!!  What could be better on this special day about love and romance than me confessing all my dirty little secrets?  Not much.  Well, unless you have one of those mates that totally spoil you for Valentine's Day.  That's way better.  Anywho, here are my confessions for the week...some weight loss related, some weather related, some Valentine's related.....Enjoy!

I confess that I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day.  And I say that only because I'm a person that doesn't get anything for Valentine's.  I'm sure everyone will be receiving nice, romantic stuff from their significant others today like flowers and bears.  I won't.  Because Hubby doesn't believe in doing that kinda stuff. 

I confess that even though I won't be getting anything today for Valentine's today, this weekend I will.  Not from Hubby, technically.  Or should I say specifically for Valentine's.  Hubby and I are going to have a kid-free weekend, thanks to my parents, that I'm super excited about.  Just Hubby and I out on the town for dinner, shopping, and whatever else we decide to do.  I'll take that over some roses any day.

I confess that after just typing that last two confessions, I realized I didn't buy anything for the kids for Valentines.  Yes, Mother of the Year I am.  I sit and complain about not getting anything from Hubby, and then totally forget my children.  Oh well, nothing I can do now.  Will just have to make it up to them by getting them something nice this weekend.  While they are at their grandparent's house. 

I confess that I'm not happy with myself over my food choices this past week.  After a strong start to my gym membership the week before, this past week I have been battling a chest cold.  That made breathing kinda hard.  That kept me away from the gym, but seemed to have somehow told me that I had a free pass to eat whatever the heck I liked.  I've eaten too much junk.  Fried food, candy, fast-food.  All decisions that I now regret, but am ready to leave behind.

I confess that I'm actually looking forward to getting back in to the gym this week.  Despite the fact that I still have a residual hacking cough, I feel healthy enough to get back to the gym and make up for my very poor food choices from the past week.  I'm a day behind thanks to the weather yesterday, but I'll be doing my best to make up for that the rest of the week.  I'll be hitting the two circuit training areas tonight.  And I'll be hitting them hard!

I confess that I'm very nervous about driving to work this morning.  No, make that terrified.  Even though the temperature is above freezing, there is still some snow on the ground.  I have a very strange, irrational fear of driving while snow is on the ground.  Even if it's just on the grass.   I think it has a lot to do with having the kids in the car, but whatever it is - it's one of my biggest fears.  I get very nervous, panicky.  My hands sweat, and I white knuckle my steering wheel for the duration of my car ride.  I've been listening to the news, and they are saying that there should be no ice or snow on the roads... but for some reason, it's not making me feel any better.

I confess that I am loving my new phone.  I guess the phone can be considered a Valentine's gift.  It arrived yesterday, and I've been smitten with it ever since.  It's not really that much difference from my old phone, except for Siri, the duel sided camera, and a built in flash.  But it's always nice to get a new toy - especially knowing that we only paid about a quarter of what they're actually selling for...thanks to upgrades and renewing our contract. 

I confess that it feels really good to not be completely broke for the first time in over a year.  Thanks to tax refunds and my win at bingo on Saturday, Hubby and I are able to breath a little easier at the moment.  Our bills are all caught up, credit cards have been paid off, insurance bills have been paid for the next 6 months, car has been fixed and received a new set of tires, money has been put aside for roof and window repairs.  We did all of the responsible things first, and now we have a little set aside to just have fun with.  That's a mighty good feeling that doesn't happen hardly ever. 

I confess that I'm happy that one of the only things I can think of that I want to buy this weekend is new training shoes.  Of all the things that I could buy, I go straight to something related to working out.  I consider that a positive thing.  In fact, I really can't think of anything else I want.  I don't want to buy any new clothes.  I don't really need anything else.  But giving myself something like a fancy new pair of training shoes makes me feel so much more determined and motivated.

I confess that I really like referring to the new shoes as "training shoes".  That's what they are.  That's what they are advertised as.  I could just say tennis shoes, though.  But I'm not going to.  They are going to be my training shoes.  I'm training for a 5K, I'm training to be a lean machine... I'm training, so it's only fitting I have "training shoes".

I confess that it's now time for me to suck up the fear that's been dwelling in the pit of my stomach, and start getting ready for work.  I'm leaving early today to give myself plenty of time to get there.  I'm not rushing.  If there are any idiots that don't like the way I drive, well...they can just be patient this morning and deal with it. 

Till next time. ;)

Weekend Wrap-Up...I'm a Winner!

Dear Diary...

It's 4:42am on Monday morning.  I'm sitting in front of my computer still in my pajamas because there's about an inch of snow on the ground - and more is supposed to be more coming.  The schools haven't been closed, yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something will happen soon.  If I haven't heard anything in the next 30-45 mins, I'll have to get ready.

While I'm waiting to see if I'm going to get another day added to my weekend, I'll tell you about the weekend I had.  It was a great weekend in terms of fun and excitement.  It was a not so great weekend in terms of eating and exercising.

On Saturday, I told you that I was going to my parent's house so that my mom and I could go play bingo all day.  I got to my parent's house around noon, and my mom and I left around 1:30.  We arrived at the casino right before 3.  It was a great drive - gave us some time to chit chat and catch up on stuff that's been going on with us.  After we arrived, we got our seats, bought our books, and still had about an hour before the games would start.

We decided to go out to the casino floor and have a little go on the slot machines.  Now, I'm not afraid to say this - I hate slot machines.  Mostly because they are addicting, and I'm not sure how people can feed money in to them without realizing how much money is being thrown away in a matter of minutes.  I decided I'd put $20 in a machine and see what happens.  Well, I lost the $20.  But, that was after playing for quite a while.  I'd win some, I'd lose some.  No major wins - but enough to keep me occupied for about 30 minutes.  Mom and I decided to head back to our seats and grab a snack.  Which happened to be a large bag of chips. Each. 

Bingo started, and the games began. We played the Matinee session, and that was pretty boring.  Didn't even get close.  After that session, we had about a 45 minute break - so Mom and I decided to grab some dinner.  I had chicken strips and fries with ranch.  Good choice?  No.  But was I thinking about that?  No.  I don't know why, when I'm out, that I forget my mission - and eat crap. 

Well, the main games finally started.  It was still pretty slow and boring.  Second half, I was just about ready to give up on there being any hope of me getting anything.  Then my numbers started coming out pretty quickly.  I was waiting for two numbers - and one after another, out they came.  I was ecstatic!  I just won $800!  That was, until someone mentioned that I'd won on the hot ball number.  Winning on that number earned me an additional $1860!  My total winnings?  $2660.  Can you say H-A-P-P-Y?  I split my winnings with my mom, and we each walked away with a nice $1330.  I was very happy with that. 

We ended up getting home around midnight.  It had been a long day, but I was so excited I wasn't ready for sleep.  My brother had made homemade pizza while we were away - and he'd saved some for us.  So, I ate a piece of pizza.  Just one.  But still.  On top of chips and fried chicken with fries - I should have passed.  I ended up going to bed around 3am.

Yesterday, I didn't wake up until 10.  I got the kids up and around, and we started heading home around noon.  On the way home, the kids were hungry and wanted to stop for lunch.  So we did.  At McDonald's.  Did I have a salad?  No.  Chicken sandwich?  No.  I had a burger.  And fries.  I know, I don't know what I was thinking.  Will I regret my food choices this week when I look at the scale?  Of course.  There's nothing I can do about it now, though.  Just gonna get my behind back to the gym this week and make up for my bad decisions.

So, it's now 6:49am.  I've been taking breaks watching the news while typing.  My school district is still open.  It is the only school district in my county to still be open.  I am devastated - and terrified.  I called my principle and told her I was going to be late.  I'm not going to attempt to drive in this when it's still dark outside.  Guess I should start getting ready.  I'm not happy, though.  I'm still deciding whether or not the drive will be worth it... but I got to do what I can to make a good impression.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday.. Finally Some Good Confessions?

Dear Diary...

It's time for my weekly installment of confessions.  Could it be that this week things will be different?  Is it possible that for the first time in too many months to keep track of that I actually post some positive confessions?  Let's see...

I confess that I'm sick.  Again.  I'm the only person I know that gets horribly sick for one night, then feels fine for two days, and then gets smashed with feeling like crap again.  Yesterday, I woke up with a raspy voice and a sore throat.  I went to work, not thinking much of it, but it got significantly worse throughout the day. I'm home today because I woke up this morning hacking, and Jelly also has it. 

I confess that despite feeling like ca-ca yesterday afternoon and not wanting to go the gym at all, I still made myself go.  I'll wait and soak in the applause.  Oh, you were too shocked to clap?  Well, snap out of it and cheer for me - I deserve it!!  My throat and chest felt like I'd swallowed a hot poker, yet I still made myself go to the gym.  That deserves, at least, a little WOO HOO!!

I confess that I took it easy at the gym.  Took it easy as in only doing 15 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes lifting weights.  I don't think that's too bad when I was having trouble breathing and it hurt to swallow.  I didn't just walk on the treadmill, either.  I did intervals of 60 second jogs with 90 second walks.  That's pretty darn awesome considering how I felt, if I do say so myself. 

I confess that I'm super duper stoked that this week will be the first week of claiming my $5 bonus for getting in 3 work-outs for the week!!  If you remember, and you may not being that it's been a month since I posted about it, I started a reward jar to claim my monetary rewards for my success.  Working out three times in a week earns me a $5 bonus.  And I'm claiming that bonus this week after working out Saturday, Sunday, and yesterday.  Go me!! 

I confess that I'm kind of expecting a small gain on the scale tomorrow.  I know that sounds weird after the rays of positivity I've been shining, but Aunt Flo is here.  The witch always brings about 2 to 3lbs of luggage when she arrives, so I'm not going to be totally shocked if I see a little gain tomorrow.  Being that I just started working out, I can't expect my body to have dropped a ton of weight in 3 days - so I'm crossing my fingers that my effort will definitely be put on display this time next week.

I confess that apart from my birthday cake that I ate last Wednesday night, I've only eaten not so good one day out of the entire week.  That would have been Friday.  It was Soup In A Bowl day at work (you know, for the Super Bowl), and the break room was full of all kinds of goodies.  I ate two small bowls of soup and a couple of brownies.  Oh, and some cheese dip with chips.  It may not sound like much, but it was.  The brownies were made of chocolate chip cookie dough, Oreo cookies, and brownie mix.  Yeah.  The worst combination wrapped together in the best treat ever. 

I confess that the rest of the week I've eaten pretty well, or at least cut down my portion sizes significantly.  I ate salads two days last week for lunch, I've been eating only one smaller portion for dinner, and I've been guzzling down my water each day. 

I confess that I even had the willpower to skip out on free pizza at the gym last night.  You are sitting down while reading this, right?  There may be just too much shock for your system to handle if you're standing.  Planet Fitness does this promotion on the first Monday of the month in which you get to eat free pizza after your work-out.  It's to promote the fact that you can treat yourself once in a while, as long as you enjoy in moderation.  I saw the pizza arrive.  I saw them setting it all up.  I then made a quick dash to the door.  I was NOT going to take part.  It's a great promotion, but I'm just not ready for something like that.

I confess that instead of eating pizza, I opted for grabbing a Cliff protein bar when I stopped at the store on the way home.  I wish I hadn't.  It was my first time eating a Cliff bar, and it will be my last.  I didn't care for it one bit.  It was soft and mushy and gross tasting.  It was the first protein bar I've ever tried that disappointed me so much.  

I confess that I feel amazing.  Well, despite the whole being sick thing.  I feel like I've done a complete 180 with my mindset and my actions.  They are now starting to harmonize and get along.  My body is doing what my head wants it to do, and it's a fantabulous feeling.  Being at the gym the past couple of days has shown me that I still have a massive fire burning inside.  I have strength, dedication, and the ability to overcome my obstacles and move mountains (from my behind). 

And, there, I think I'm done.  


Wow, how weird it feels to read my confessions and not cringe or groan or sigh.  Isn't it amazing how a little exercise has completely changed my outlook and mood?  I knew it was the last ingredient needed to make this recipe a success... but I just needed a little push from a gym opening up right across from my work to help put it all together.  


I know that three days isn't enough to say that I've magically transformed and will never back track again.  But being able to turn myself around and start moving in the right direction is sometimes the hardest part of the journey.  I've made that step.  Yes, it took a little longer than expected.  The first month of the year was a complete wash, but I still have 11 months to go of this year.  That's a long time. A lot can be accomplished in that time - and I know that I can make up for lost time.  Just try and stop me!

Till next time. ;)

It's Just Never OK to Stamp A Label On A Child... Or Their Parents

Dear Diary...

Yesterday afternoon, I came home from work and did some blog reading.  It's a great way to wind down from a long day at work - and I get to see what others have been up to.  When I started scrolling through my extremely long blog roll, two blogs jumped out at me straight away.  Mainly because it appeared they were blogging about the same thing.

The first was from Mrs.Fatass  and the second was Sean Wilson, both fantastic bloggers.  They were both sharing their views on the new Georgia Ad Campaign targeting childhood obesity.  I was shocked.  I hadn't heard anything about it... but just by reading their blogs, I knew that I didn't like it one bit.

So, I did a little search this morning and saw pages and pages of ads that look like this:

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a second.  The shock was just too much for me to handle.  My brain just couldn't comprehend the fact that children were being stamped with disgusting sayings like "Fat Prevention begins at home.  And the buffet line" or "It's hard to be a little girl.  If you're not".

My first reaction wasn't towards the messages that were stamped across the bottom of these images.  As despicable as they are, they hold some truth.  My first reaction wasn't considering the damage that will result for kids that are overweight and have to be subjected to these ads on the TV and around their town on giant billboards.  No, my first reaction was of utter disgust and went to the parents of THESE poor children who are standing in these ad campaigns.

Who are these children, and what the hell are their parents thinking?  I'll make a completely rash judgement call and say there was probably some money in it for them (the parents)... but what expense does that money come with?  I'm sure these kids go to school.  I'm sure these kids have some form of social network (and I'm not talking about Facebook).  I know lots of parents who would love for their child to be in a commercial.... but really?  A commercial that literally stamps their child with a label such as this one?  Someone fetch me a glass of water, I may pass out.

Sean and Sue (Mrs. Fatass) made great points in regards to this campaign that I'll hope you'll check out.  They both state that prevention begins at home, and parents should be fed some cold hard truth about the damage that's being done to children with the adults being the cause.

As a mother of three children, I think I have the right to make some points on this subject.

First, and foremost, I would never, ever, ever, ever, subject my children to such a disgusting, self-esteem crushing portrayal of a message as these ad campaigns.  Why would I want my child to look in to the faces of these poor children that have already been subjected to this horrible thing and think "wait, they may be talking about me"?

Second, prevention does begin at home.  Yes, parents are often the blame.  If I cram my face full of fast-food, eat 2 or 3 servings at dinner, and inhale a bag of chips in one sitting - then I'm showing my children that kind of behavior is OK.  It's not OK.  I'm the one doing the damage - and it's my duty to fix that damage.

Third, and I'm going to maybe piss a few people off here, not all overweight children turn in to overweight adults nor do all skinny children turn in to skinny adults.  Sometimes, there are other factors that do come in to play and even though the easiest thing to do is blame the parents, it doesn't fit all situations.

I will use my family as the scenario for this point.  I am the oldest of 6 children.  Three are girls, three are boys.  The last two are much younger than the other four, so I'm only going to talk about the oldest four siblings, right now.  When we were young, we ate the same foods.  My parents were far from being "healthy minded" people.  We ate large portions.  We ate candy.  We ate a lot of snacks.  My sister and I were always on the chubby side.  Far from what I would consider "fat" but we had a little extra weight on us.  One of my brothers also had a chubby side, one was always skinny.  Once my "chubby" brother reached a growth spurt at around 10, he slimmed out nicely.  So, there were two chubby girls, two skinny boys.  Same family, same foods.

In high school, I weighed about 140lbs.  That was considered "fat".  My brothers were both athletic.  They played football and basketball.  I was in the band.  My sister chose not to participate in any extra curricular activity.  So, of course, they toned up nicely.  Even though they both ate like horses, they were able to maintain a healthy physic.  My sister and I opted for other activities that involved less exercise, but I still wouldn't consider either of us to be extremely overweight..even if the "norm" that was portrayed by other girls of our age was to weigh 90lbs when we were 16.

Now, my sister and I are very heavy.  My brothers are still very toned and slender.  The worst damage to my sister and I happened after we moved away from home.  After we had been through some very tough times, we turned to food.  Don't remember that being something we learned from our parents, but it's how we chose to live with it. 

Now, let's add my youngest brother and sister in to the mix.  They were both on the chubby side as kids.  Once getting in to junior high, they both started playing sports.  Both are basketball crazy.  My parents feed them the same way my other siblings and I were fed growing up.  Large portions, a lot of fried food.  My sister started feeling the pressure from other girls in her grade that weighed 90lbs.  She was at that 140lbs mark, right where I was at that age.  She started to hate herself and the way she looked.  Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister was 5'6" at the age of 14 and is now around 5'8".  She started skipping meals.  She started crash dieting.  She now weighs around 110lbs, at 5'8" tall - and still thinks she has weight to lose.  Is that healthy?  NO!

My brother, again, is a big basketball player.  He's 15 and is 5'11" tall.  He weighs 220lbs. Is he fat?  No.  Do other people sometimes ridicule him for his weight?  Yes.  He's got some extra weight on him, compared to what my other brothers were like at his age, but he's far from being obese.  He's active.  He eats.  He's as healthy as a horse.

What's my point in dishing all this out to you?  My point is - there are often other factors that play in to a child's metabolism and their current weight.  Genetics has some to do with it.  Healthy eating has some to do with it.  Exercise and activity level has some to do with it.  And yes, the habits of parents are a huge factor - but even their lack of knowledge or living by a routine they grew up with is a player.

Before everyone grabs their pitchforks and torches and starts running towards parents that have children that are a little overweight (or a lot overweight), let's take a second to think.  Let's look at the situations being played out.

I know a few people that are healthy and active, yet their children are heavy.  I know parents that are morbidly obese and have kids that are skinny.  I know that I'm a parent of three children that are all different.  My oldest is tall for her age, worries about being fat, and used to get ridiculed for not being like all the other girls in her grade that were less than 5 feet tall and weighed 60lbs.  She's 5'4" (at 11), and is the perfect size for her height.  Now that she's in a school with kids just like her, she's having a much easier time with her self-esteem.  Butter is on the chubby side, which is a side effect of the medication that he's on.  We knew that he would gain some weight being on the medicine he's on, and it is monitored monthly.  He has to be careful with what he eats, and I take care of that.  Then, there's Jelly who eats cauliflower and carrots like they're going out of style.  She'd much rather have a plate of veggies than a hamburger.  But, she likes candy and sweet treats, too. 

All families are different.  All kids are different.  Our job as a parent is to set a good example.  What we need to remember, though, is that kids change overnight.  I know that it's hard on my kids to see their mother as overweight.  I'm working on that.  I just ask that we don't rush out and judge people before we know the facts, the story behind it.  We can do our part for our families.  There are ways that support can be given to families to educate them on healthy foods and an active lifestyle.  Putting innocent children in the line of fire, however, is not the way to go.  Neither would it be right to put parents in their place and run the same campaign.  Let's have some compassion.  That's all I ask.

Till next time. ;)

What Am I Thankful For? Let Me Count the Ways - Part II

Ahhh...Thanksgiving.  The day to share how thankful you are for everything you have in your life.  The day to be with family.  The day to eat.  And eat.  And eat.  Come on.  You all know that the food has become one of the most important parts of this holiday.  

Last week, I did my first What Am I Thankful For? post.  I hit the major points in my life, like family, my job, Hubby, you guys,  fat-free coffee creamer.... you know the really important things.  This week, I'm doing another installment, because I want to have 24 things to be thankful for....just like everyone is doing on Facebook.  I'm a woman that likes trends - I just don't like doing them the same way everyone else is.

Today's list really holds no torch to the things that I listed last week... but I always think it's nice to have a little fun, and think about the things I wouldn't normally think about.  Yes, I'll probably be grasping at straws - because everything that is most important to me was highlighted last week.  But, let's see what I can come up with.


This week, I count from 11 to 24 of the things that I'm thankful and/or grateful for.

11.  My Scale.  Bet you didn't see that one coming.  As much as I complain about my scale - we have a love/hate relationship that I have to be thankful for.  There are days I hate it, but then the number reminds me that I'm doing it to myself - and I have to work harder.  There are days when I love it, because it shows me that the work I am doing is paying off.  Then there are days like today - where my scale apparently feels sorry for me, and dropped down to 234.2lbs from yesterday's 235.3lbs.  I know the scales fluctuate from day to day - but I'm happy it decided to be nice to me on this day.

12.  My Laptop.  My connection to the Internet, and the virtual world.  It's amazing how much my little laptop enables me to do...research, watch shows, connect with family and friends overseas, collect ideas for lessons...and of course, share my blog.  I guess I should be thanking the Internet - but my laptop gets me there, and for that - I'm thankful.  Plus, my laptop got me through school.  Every paper I ever wrote was done on this very laptop - and helped earned me the grades I needed to graduate.

13.  My Dog.  My sweet little Silky Terrier, Asia.  I've had her since she was 8 weeks old - and now she's almost 5!  I got her the year before I had Jada.  She was my gift to myself for finally having a house that allowed pets.  She's been a handful, just like my other kids, but I love her very much.  She curls up in bed with me every night, and is always there when I need her.  She is just like another child to me.  Despite how much Hubby despises her...she will always be important to me.   Oh - and he only despises her because she seems to like to pee on his stuff...occasionally.   

14.  My Clean House.  I pounded away for several hours, yesterday, getting my house all sparkly clean.  I mentioned that I'm thankful for my house last week - but this week, I'm just thankful that I got it clean.  It's a very nice feeling to wake up to a clean house.  I'm thankful all of my hard work paid off - and I'll got to do that today.  Not sure how long it will last...but I got to do it today.


Just 10 more to go...

15.  Facebook.  Even though I'm not nearly as addicted to Facebook now as I was just a year ago...I'm thankful that Facebook gives me the ability to stalk see what everyone in my life is up to.  I get to talk to my family in England, and see pictures of all that's going on with them.  I get to read status updates that tell me exactly what everyone is doing at every minute of the day...cause that stuff is important to know...especially to me - cause I don't get out much. 

16.  Pinterest.  The creators of this site get a big THANK YOU from me.  I'm thankful that this site has given me a one stop shop for EVERYTHING I need.  Recipes, craft ideas, lesson plans....all there, right where I need it.  I no longer have to use search engines much anymore...sorry, Bing...I will miss you.

17.  Coffee.  Holy mother of sanity, I can't believe I'm listing this as number 17....my kids would probably list this as number one on their list.  My day just doesn't function without coffee...I don't know what I'd do without it.  It's my energy drink and relaxing serum all rolled in to one.  I'm pretty sure if you were to cut me open - coffee would pour out of my veins.  Thank you Folgers for giving my entire household a semi-sane woman to live with each day!!

18.  My DVR.  Probably the most genius thing ever invented.  If it wasn't for my DVR, I'd never be able to watch some of my favorite shows.  And, I don't ever have to watch commercials again...BONUS!!

19.  Ricky Gervais.  Yes...I'm thankful for this person.  I'm thankful that he's so hilarious and comes up with the greatest shows and Podcasts.  I'm also thankful that he has introduced me to the comic genius that is Karl Pilkington.  Ricky is my comic idol - and my hope is that one day I'll get to meet him in person.  I'll be watching the Golden Globes - DVR'd of course - just because he's hosting.  I know it's random - but he's a little slice of home...and he's not half bad to look at, either.

I'm not going to list the other people that I'm thankful for that are nice to look at..like Alexandar Skasgard, Dax Shepherd, or the other men that make me swoon whenever I watch them on TV... I am thankful for them, though.

20.  My iPhone.  My list wouldn't be complete without being thankful for the mini computer that I carry around with me everywhere.  If my laptop's not around, my iPhone is.  It has given me hours of fun playing games like Solitaire, Mahjong, Hanging with Friends, Tetris, and Bejeweled....and it does other important stuff, too... like make phone calls.

21.  The Harry Potter and Twilight Movies.  For the past several years, these movies have given Peanut and I our Mommy/Daughter days out.  It has become a tradition that Peanut and I go to the movies to see these sagas.  I was so sad when Harry Potter ended, but thankful I still have two movies left to see of Twilight.  We haven't seen the new one yet - that's on the agenda for this weekend.  Now, Peanut and I are going to have to find another book/movie series to get in to.

22.  Toilet Paper, Soap, and Toothpaste.  Really, do they need any explanation?  I said I was going to be grasping at straws... but have you really thought what you're life would be like without them?  That makes me thankful.

23.  The Fact that You're Still Reading This.  If you've made it this far, I am very thankful.  It shows how much you care....or how bored you are.  This is harder than I thought it would be. 

And finally...

24.  My Humor.  The fact that I can come on here on Thanksgiving day, and have a little fun is something I'm very grateful for.  There are so many things I could be very serious about, today, but I want to have a little fun - because this is what today should be about.  I try to make people smile...maybe even chuckle sometimes.  I don't pretend that I'm a comedian...I'm not... but the fact that I can come on to my blog and spin a different light on things is something I'm very thankful for.

All joking aside...if you have food to eat today, somewhere to eat it, and people to eat it with...say your thanks.  There are so many people in this country that won't have these things today.  Be thankful for the wonderful things you have in your life - even if there are days where you think your life is not too wonderful.    Smile.  Laugh.  Enjoy.  Be thankful.

I hope you all have an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for you all each and every day. 

Till next time. ;)

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