Adjusting to Change

Well, I've been gone the past few days because there's been a lot going on in my world.  The biggest thing is the fact that S has completely moved out.  He'd been staying here until he found somewhere else to live, and now he has and he's gone.  I hate to write about the personal details of our break-up, but I will say I'm glad that I can now move on and leave it behind.  I really wanted us to permanently end things on a good note, but unfortunately that hasn't been the case.  We've agreed to stay amicable for Jelly's sake, because that's important, but I don't see us remaining friends or anything like that.  Which is understandable, I suppose.

I hate to say it, but since he's been gone, my house has been a completely different place.  The kids are coming out of their rooms, laughing, joking around, and for the first time since we moved in, our house feels like a home.  There's no awkward atmosphere or tiptoeing around as to not to upset anyone.  And that's one of the biggest reasons I was ready to call it quits in the first place:  My kids deserve to be happy.  They should feel comfortable in their home, they should feel like they can sit and watch TV with me and talk to me at the same time without feeling uncomfortable.  That didn't happen before.  They kept themselves hidden away because they could sense something wasn't right, and it was easier for them to try and avoid it than pretend like nothing was going on.

Friday night was probably, hands down, one of the best nights we've ever had in our home.  It was Butter's birthday and I wanted it to be a good night for him.  We grilled some burgers on the grill, the kids played outside, and we just hung out and had a good time.  We all settled in the living room after dinner to watch a movie together, and we all ended up falling asleep but it was a good time.  I felt like I was finally at home, and I know the kids felt the same way.

Yesterday, we spent most of the day lazing around the house.  Then, we all decided to go out for a while.  We went to an arcade place to play some video games.  The kids had a blast, and so did I.  It felt so good to go out and do something, together, as a family.  We grabbed some dinner at CiCi's, after, and then came home back to more lazing around and relaxing.

I know that life is going to be a lot different now.  There's going to be some financial struggles and stuff, but I also know that despite any struggles I may endure, the happiness that we can all feel will be worth it.  I know I'm not alone, and I have a great support network behind me cheering me on and rooting for me.  I can do this.  I deserve to be happy.  My kids deserve to be happy.  And there's no price I can put on our happiness.  I'd much rather be struggling a little and happy than unhappy with some extra money to spend.  And it's not like I won't be able to keep a roof over our head or food in our bellies.  All it means is that we won't have as much money to do all the things we used to do, and the kids are totally fine with that.  I'm totally fine with that.

Right now I feel ready to put the past behind me and start a new chapter of my life.  It's not an ending, but a beginning.  I have no idea what's in store for me or where my path may lead, but I feel like I'm on the right road.  Good things are happening.  I just have to take things one day at a time, stay positive, and remain focused on my future.

I know that there will be good days and there will be not so good days, but I truly believe the good will far outweigh the bad.  It's all about how I think, how I react, and how I deal with each situation as they come.  When I first bought this house, I had a vision of what I wanted our lives to be like.  And, that vision is finally coming to light.  This house can now be our home, we can now be a family.  That's not a dig at S, but a reflection on our relationship.  I thought a new house would fix our problems and make things better.  That was a stupid assumption.  But, now things are starting to fall in to place, and be like I wanted it to be.  I can't even describe the feelings I have in seeing my kids so happy.  Not happy that he's gone, but happy that the dark cloud looming over this house is gone.  They're not stupid, they know when something's not right.  They've sensed the atmosphere and lack of love that had been living in this house for far too long.  That wasn't S's fault, that was my fault.  For allowing it to continue as long as it did.

My kids have had a good life, but they've also had their share of unhappiness.  I've done everything in my power to shield them from my troubles, but kids know.  They always know when something isn't right.  But, Friday and yesterday, when I saw their smiles, heard their laughs, and looked in to their eyes, I saw comfort and relief.  I haven't been the only one suffering, despite how much I thought I was trying to keep that away from them.

I only have a couple of years left with Peanut and Butter, and I want them to be the best years of their lives.  I know that this is a rough transition for Jelly, and I know it will take some getting used to.  But, she will still have both of her parents.  That will never change.  She understands that just because we aren't together doesn't mean she has to be without either one of us.  We are both still there for her, love her, and plan to make sure that she is well taken care of during this transition time, and she'll understand soon enough why we did what we did.

My kids are the most important people in my life, and I will always do everything in my power to ensure their happiness.   I truly believe that happiness is in store for them.  We are going to be together.  We are going to be happy.  My kids have craved that for so long, and now they are going to truly understand what family is all about.

Have a great Sunday, everyone!