Well, I just have to start out by saying that I've had a really good weekend. I've been in a good mood since Friday morning, and I have really been doing what I said I would do in terms of paying attention to actions versus listening to words. It has helped me a lot in staying calm, not stressing, and allowed me to enjoy myself and have a great time.
Sometimes, just spending time "chilling" is a great way to take a step back and analyze a bigger picture. Everyone that knows me knows I'm a MAJOR over-thinker. I over-analyze everything. I dissect, tear apart, and try and break down everything that happens to me in order to learn from it or to try and figure out what it all means.
What ends up happening when I do stuff like that is coming up with questions. Question after question after question. The whats, whys, how comes, and what ifs pop in to my head like popcorn in a microwave.
What does this mean?
Why is this happening?
How come this is happening to me?
How come that never happens to me?
What if I'm taking this all wrong?
Constantly. Over and over and over again. And the worst part is, those are the questions that very seldom come with a clear or quick answer.
Trying to figure out what something means often ends with assumption. I assume the worst or I assume the best, and more often than not, my assumptions are wrong. I have made the mistake WAY too many times assuming what stuff means. This goes back to the whole words versus actions thing. I start to assume that I'm figuring out what stuff means, by something that's been said to me. I start to act on my assumptions, and then I'm hit with a dose of reality because the actions that happen after don't match what I'm told. That works in both good and bad ways. I'm told words that hurt, brutal honesty actually, but the actions that follow after come with the most weird, satisfying, beautifully heartfelt actions. I'm being given information that I don't really want to hear, but is necessary for me to have in order to understand the trust that's being put in to me. I have to be able to take the good news with the bad news, I suppose. Then I'm sitting there scratching my head right back at square one asking "What does this mean?" I can't complain about being given ALL of the information. But, I often wonder why I have to have it. Is it better to have all the information, even the worst and most painful information, or is it better to be kept in the dark?
Trying to figure out why something is happening often ends up with me thinking I'm being punished for something or I'm being rewarded. The whole karma thing. I don't necessarily believe that there is bad karma, more along the lines of what goes around comes around. When you put good out in to the world, it comes back to you. When things don't go right, it's karma's way of saying that I messed up somehow and I need to figure out how to fix it. Sometimes, things happen because I need to learn from them, figure out the root cause (what does this mean?), and that ends up leading to even more questions. Trying to walk away from something that takes me right back to where I started is one of those situations. That's why I picked the picture for today. I have told myself so many times that something has happened to make me walk away, and then what I'm trying to walk away from ends up right back in front of me. There's solid reasons for that, I truly believe it, and it's not because I'm not allowing myself to walk away... it's because when I'm walking away, what I'm walking away from always makes the journey back to me. No matter how many different directions I try, no matter how far away I get, that one thing I'm moving away from chases after me. I've walked away from many things in my life with no problems. But, when something I'm trying to walk away from doesn't allow me to, I think that's something I need to pay attention to.
Asking myself how come something does or doesn't happen to me is rooted from always wondering what something means and why it's happening. When I'm feeling sad, angry, and hurt, I always ask myself why it's happening to me. What did I do to deserve it? What happened that allowed me to get to that point? But, there are also good situations where this question comes in to play. Sometimes I question why something is or isn't happening to me because there's a bigger picture I'm not paying attention to. Is there something I'm missing? Is this happening to me because there's a lesson to be learned? Is this happening to me, because I am the person that can handle it? Is this happening to me or not happening to me because I am being tested on my strength and ability to stick with something to the end?
And the worst question I ask myself WAY too often... Am I taking this all wrong? Am I chasing a dream that may never come true? Am I reading in to something that isn't there? Am I missing the obvious signs and clues that tell me what the bigger picture has in store? Am I jumping to conclusions, or opening myself up to the potential that a situation has because I'm questioning it too much?
So many questions, and never any answers... just more questions.
The biggest question that remains? What's next?
In times of uncertainty and doubt, I think everyone asks themselves this question. What's next? I know I am constantly asking myself this question. I try and tell myself to just see what happens, sit back and allow situations to play out, and to just go with the flow. But, I know myself well enough to know that no matter how hard I try, the questions will always be there. Nothing is certain. Situations change. Feelings change. Life is constantly changing.
A friend shared a story with me just the other day that I could really relate to. She shared how her situation had been very similar to mine several years ago. When she was sitting in a world of uncertainty, she was constantly trying to figure out the next steps. She asked herself the same questions. She found a friend that she was always there for, and did everything she could to try and prove her feelings for him. But, for a long time, she questioned if she was adding to her world of uncertainty by being that way. And then, one day out of the blue, everything changed. He realized everything she'd done, how she'd always stuck by him, and that her heart was dedicated to him. They've been together for 18 years now.
Her point in sharing her story was to let me know that I can't give up. There is happiness out there for me, and it's going to come along at the most unexpected time. That I have to stop trying so hard, be more willing to just allow things to play out, and get rid of the assumptions. Assuming makes life worse, not better. The more I try and force something to happen, the more likely it will disappear. No matter how hard I try, I can't carve out my future. I can't predict, plan, or prepare for what the future holds. I have options, I have choices, and I'm able to make the decisions as situations arise, but I can never force something to happen just because I want it. It will either happen or it won't.
One thing I do know is that the questions will never go away. They'll always be there. But, I can decide whether or not I'm content with not having the answers. Is it OK to just have the questions and not to worry about the answers? They'll come eventually, right?
All I can really do is keep my eyes open. Pay attention. Take one day at a time. Don't jump to conclusions and avoid assumptions like the plague. If I want answers, all I have to do is allow them to come to me. I have to stop trying to force an answer to appear when it's not ready to show itself.
Easier said than done, I know.
But, I truly do believe that good things are in store for me. I just have to keep my eyes open, and not be clouded by the questions. The answers are out there, somewhere, and when the time is right, I'll know what I need to know.
Until then, I just have to keep on keeping on. It's all I can do, really.
Today is a beautiful day, and I need to get around and enjoy it.
Have an awesome day, everyone!
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