True Traditions Tuesday

Last year, I did this type of post during December instead of Truthful Tuesday.  I really enjoyed it.  Now I have some new followers, I'm going to do the same thing this year.  I'm just going to share some of the traditions we have in our house for Christmas.

Since the the last week of November, we've watched a Christmas movie almost every night.  This is a new tradition that has been started by Jelly.  Already this year, we've watched The Grinch (twice), Polar Express (twice), Elf (twice), Arthur Christmas (twice), A Christmas Story (twice), A Christmas Carol, Santa Paws, and The Santa Claus 1 & 2.

Our Christmas tree is put up the night of Thanksgiving, and is decorated with homemade ornaments that the kids have been making since they were in preschool.  You might see a couple of store bought ornaments and balls that I've accumulated over the years as gifts or picked up along the way, but the majority of the ornaments are all handmade.  I have hand prints, foam cut-outs, cotton ball stockings, beaded candy canes, and reindeer.  All have been carefully preserved each year.  And the tradition continues this year as Jelly brings home ornaments from school and church to continue decorating with.

There are no gifts under the tree until Santa brings them on Christmas Eve, with the exception of the gifts that have been bought for family members.  I don't do the empty box thing, or the thing where I buy gifts and then Santa brings some to add.  Nope, the Big Guy brings all the presents on Christmas Eve so that the kids have absolutely no idea how much stuff is waiting for them on Christmas morning.  And this year, because of the addition of our cats to our family, there will be no gifts going under the tree AT ALL until Christmas Eve.  And, I'll probably have to stand guard Christmas Eve night on the couch - so that the gifts remained unopened for the kids come Christmas morning.

We have three Christmas celebrations each year.  Christmas Eve at P-Momma's, Christmas morning at our house, and Christmas day at my parent's.  Three times the celebration, three times the presents, three times the fun.  

Christmas Eve used to be the longest day of the year for me, but now that Christmas Eve is spent taking a trip to Steve's parents and ending up at P-Momma's, it's a fast day...and I LOVE IT!  We eat, exchange gifts, laugh, and have a great time while the kids burn some serious energy so that they'll go right to sleep that night.  When we do finally make it home, it's a mad dash to make cookies for Santa.  Apart from the gift opening, this is by far one of my most favorite traditions. 

Santa always gets handmade cookies and store bought eggnog left for him.  Also, Jelly has insisted the past couple of years that we leave some form of oatmeal mix for the reindeer.  Christmas Eve ends with watching Elf or A Christmas Story, putting out the cookies, hanging up stockings, and me tucking each child in to bed.  Last year, I also read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to Jelly - and I'm hoping she'll want me to do that again this year.  

The kids are not allowed out of their rooms on Christmas morning until they have been summoned by me.  A strict rule/tradition that's adhered to very seriously in our house.  The kids can have at whatever they want from their stocking while they are waiting - but there will be no sneaking a peek at the tree until I've come out and called for them.  Thankfully for them, I'm usually the first one up each year - so they never have to wait very long.

Breakfast on Christmas morning consists of chocolate and cookies.  A tradition that has been in my family for as long as I've been alive - and I couldn't wait to pass on to my own children.  It's the one and only day of the year that the kids can wake up as early as they want and start eating the treats that Santa has left them in their stocking.  Then, once the gift opening has started, a platter of cookies is set out for everyone to enjoy while gifts are being opened.  Yes, it may explain why my rear continues to get bigger each year - but it's a tradition I'll never give up.

Christmas gifts are opened up one at a time, one person at a time.  I didn't spend weeks, months even, preparing for that special morning for it to be over in the blink of an eye.  I make the process last as long as possible.  Each person gets a gift - in turn - and then everyone sits and watches as that person opens the gift.  Pictures are then taken.  Rinse, repeat.  Rather than gift opening taking all of 20 minutes, I make it last out to at least an hour...usually longer.  The kids hate love it.


And there you have it.  Some of the traditions that are held strong in my house this time of year.  I can't believe that in exactly two weeks, at this very minute, I'll be making preparations for the big event to start.  No doubt, I'll already be up - at 6am - with a cup of coffee in hand waiting for the kids to start waking up.

I can't wait!

True Confessions Tuesday

Time to confess, I guess.  Wow...a poet, and didn't know it.  HA!

I confess that I didn't go to the gym, yesterday.  The kids wanted to go bowling, so I took them bowling.  For two hours.  I'm sure that bowling isn't really considered a physical activity - but I threw a heavy ball down a lane over, and over, and over again.  In my warped head - that counts for something.  Not much, but better than sitting on the couch, I guess.

I confess that my eating was majorly out of whack all day yesterday, and I ended up eating a pretty crappy dinner and then mindlessly snacking all evening.

I confess that I did start the day off with good intentions.  I ate cottage cheese and pineapple for breakfast.  It amazes me how quickly I can get off course even with the best intentions.

I confess that, with no big surprise to anyone, that I am feeling very defeated, depressed, and lost in terms of my weight loss journey.  I'm hanging by a thread of motivation...and ready for that thread to snap at any minute.  While everything inside of me wants to lose the weight, I just can't get my heart and my head to work together to make it happen.

I confess that I keep watching the scale increase every day.  I feel like I did two years ago, when I was so out of shape I could barely do anything.  Even though I'm not there, yet, I'm well on my way.  I'm in a vicious spin of self-destruction, and no amount of coaxing is getting me out of it.

I confess that my clothing options have now come down to no more than a few pairs of sweat-style shorts, a couple of dresses (that fit, but look terrible on me), and one pair of capris that I have that are size 20.  The capris are still a little too big, but not big enough to keep me in a size 18.  Even some of my t-shirts are getting to the point where they are just too tight.  My closet is crammed full of amazing, cute clothes....but I have a long way to go before I can fit in to them again.

I confess that I don't know what the heck is wrong with me.  It's so blatantly obvious that I'm self sabotaging myself for no good reason.  I held on to the lame excuse that my path of destruction was paved based on the fact that I couldn't find a teaching job...and since I have found a job, the destruction has gotten harder and faster.

I confess that I'm confessing all of this and being totally depressing on purpose.  I have to let my thoughts and feelings out.  It's what I keep telling myself, and I have to keep reading it.  My hopes is that it will trigger that small slither of determination inside of me.

I confess that I changed my Weight Loss Counter on my blog to reflect the total amount of weight I've lost since starting my journey two years ago.  I was so tired of seeing a big, fat zero every day - that I decided to change it so I could see some positivity on the page.  The number is still a lot smaller than it's been in the past - but it's something.  I have to hold on to the fact that I'm still down some, and I don't want that number to keep dwindling down.

I confess that I remember back two years ago, that the one thing that triggered my biggest spark of motivation was when I participated in boot camp.  Even though boot camp isn't an option for me right now, I truly feel that having a personal trainer may spark something back inside of me, again.  On Thursday - when I go back to the gym...and I WILL be going back to the gym... I am signing up for the first appointment the gym has available with a personal trainer.  I'm going to explain my woes and make that PT be hard on me.  I need structure, discipline, and encouragement. 

I confess that I'm feeling the way I'd hoped I'd feel after writing all of this out.  Angry.  I am angry.  Very angry.  How the hell could I let myself get this far off track?

I confess that even though I said only yesterday that I wouldn't do this... I'm going to do it anyway...I'm going to officially promise myself that changes are a coming.  BIG TIME.  I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I feel, obsessing over the constant failures, and feeling sorry for myself.  That's the biggest bunch of BS I've ever heard.  How the heck can I feel sorry for myself when I'm the one doing it to myself?

I confess that starting Thursday, I will be going to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY until I get the phone call that it's time for me to start working on my classroom.  Then, I will be going EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.

I confess that starting Thursday, there will be a meal planner back on my fridge.  There will be a kitchen stocked with clean, fresh ingredients.  There will be no more junk food.  There will be no more soda.  There will be nothing but water (and my morning coffee). 

I confess that I just can't take any more excuses, set-backs, or let-downs.  I'm just sick of it.  I can't take writing one more day about how I've failed.  Failure is no longer an option.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Till next time. ;)

It's Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...

So, it's that day of the week where I tell you my dark, little secrets again.  I'm pretty sure that True Confessions Tuesday is the longest running "theme" post I've done on my blog.  Do you know I've been doing this for over a year now?  I know.  Crazy, isn't it?  But, I still enjoy it...

I confess that my days are so mushed together that today could be Friday, Sunday, Wednesday... they all feel the same.  I only know it's Tuesday because I looked at my calendar this morning.  Being off work for so long does that to me.  I'm not complaining.  Don't mistake my confession for complaining.  I think it's freakin' awesome that I don't have to worry about what day it is.  Until the end of July, anyways.

I confess that I've been sleeping later than I have in probably ten years.  Getting up after 9am, even on the weekends, just isn't something I do.  But recently? I've been going to bed around 1am and not getting up until 10!  That's just crazy.  Again, absolutely no complaints here. 

I confess that being a teacher is the bestest, most awesomest job in the whole wide world!  And, yes, I'm fully aware that bestest and awesomest are not real words... I'm qualified to teach, really.

I confess that weather in the upper 90s and low 100s sucks big Satan balls.  I've said it many times before, but apparently the universe won't listen:  I HATE HOT WEATHER!  Upper 80s and lower 90s I can tolerate - if I'm in a pool with a fruity beverage... but anything above that just makes me cranky.  I won't get in to a pool when it's 100 degrees outside, because I just feel like a boiled lobster.  My AC is also complaining about the heat, and the poor ol' gal just doesn't have the oomph to keep up with it.  It's 90 degrees at 7am and keeps going up from there. My English blood just isn't cut out for this type of weather.  Although, looking on the bright side, I sweat without doing any form of movement at all.  That's got to be some kind of plus, right?

I confess that it's a terrible idea to take a 4 year old to an art gallery.  Just down right stupid.  Why I ever thought that Jelly would be interested in walking around and looking at beautiful art is beyond me.  Ten minutes in and she was whining "I'm tired of looking at old pictures".  I managed to keep her there for 2 hours, but it took some coaxing.  We didn't look at 1/3rd of the exhibits - but Jelly did enjoy the abstracts.  She made several comments about how the pictures looked like the pictures she made at school.  I have to hand that one to her.  My fridge does hold several replicas of some of the art on display at the multi-million dollar art gallery.

I confess that I went to the grocery store yesterday and stocked up on tons of clean(ish), fresh stuff to eat.  Lots of veggies, mulit-grain bread, deli meats, yogurt, fruit, cottage cheese... you get the idea, right?  The meal plan for the entire week is nothing but sandwiches, salads, and wraps.  Partly because of the heat, and partly because I'm sick to death of seeing the scale go up anymore.

I confess that Peanut took a few pics of me at the museum yesterday, and I want to delete every one of them.  I'm back to...well, not back to, I've been this way for a while now... of hating anyone taking my picture.  There's no chance that my Facebook page will be bombarded with duck-face, stand in front of the mirror poses any time soon.  But, all those duck-face haters out there get ready.  When I get back to liking the way I look, Facebook may flag my account.  Although I'm gonna come up with something more creative than a freakin' duck face.  Why anyone thinks that puckering your face up to look like a elephant's rear end is simply beyond me.  Whatever happened to just smiling in a photo?

I confess that I don't like how quiet it's been in Blogland, lately.  I'm sure it has a lot to do with the time of the year.  It may have a lot to do with the fact that my creative juices are a little on the dry side.  Whatever it is, I want my commenters back!  Please?

I confess that this week, I've learned a valuable lesson about honesty and professionalism.  And, in that lesson I've been taught that a fresh start is EXACTLY what I need.  While the information I've learned has been hard to swallow, it's ramped up my excitement about my new career venture 100 times over.  I know this is very cryptic.. but it comes down to people should just be honest with me.  I don't like being lied to.  I respect people much more for being honest with me, even if it's not what I want to hear.  I went out on a limb with someone I know to not believe some of the not-so-nice things I'd been told about them.  Then, I got to learn first hand that everything I'd heard about them was true.  Honestly is, and always will be, the best policy.  Some people have apparently never learned that philosophy.

I confess that I should really get to doing the stuff I'm supposed to do today.  I slept until 10 and have been sitting here ever since.  My classroom stuff is not going to pack its self.  My bedroom and bathroom are also not going to clean themselves.  And I'm not going to burn any "cleaning calories" by sitting here, drinking coffee, and being lazy.

Toodles!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

It's Tuesday, so you all know what that means.  Well, maybe not all of you.  If you're new, you might not know that each Tuesday I get on here and make a list of confessions.  It covers all the things I probably shouldn't have done, things I should have done but didn't, and other stuff that I feel the need to share or say something about.  It goes a little something like this...

I confess that I'm pretty nervous about the summer camp classes I'm teaching this week that start TODAY.  In a little over a couple of hours, actually.  I got all of my notes written on my iPad yesterday, and so I feel a little more organized - but still nervous.  Which is really funny, being that I'm going to be a teacher in a couple of months.  But this is different, because it's 8 different classes of age groups, I'm teaching a topic I've only ever had personal experience with rather than proper training, and I don't know any of the kids or the people I'll be working with.  Except Sanity.  That part makes it all worth it.

I confess that I never in a million years thought I'd be spending four days of my summer break getting up at 5:30am.  I'd almost forgotten what this felt like.  I'm not as tired as I thought I'd be - yet.  But, the house is silent, my coffee smells and tastes wonderful, and my mind is clear.  I now remember why I enjoyed this time so much when I was getting up so early each morning before going to work.

I confess that I'm not wearing any make-up today.  I would never normally go to any job without putting a layer of make-up on, but I figure if I'm going to have kids outside running around in the heat... I better prepare myself to join them.  Me plus heat plus make-up equals one hot mess.  I'm going to go for an all natural look, and hope I can get away with it.  For the sake of the children, they don't need to see what I look like sweaty WITH make-up running down my face.  I think it's comparable with watching a wax figure melt in a fire.  I don't want to give those poor kids nightmares.

I confess that I had a really good session with Therapy Dude and Butter, yesterday.  We confronted a lot of issues.  I was able to let out some of my frustration.  Therapy Dude ensured me that I'm doing all of the right stuff, and it was completely normal to feel the way I've been feeling.  Phew, that's always a relief to hear from a therapist.  He also thinks that Butter's recent behaviors are pretty normal considering the amount of stress we've all been under.  Leave old school, move away for a month, prepare for new school.  It's a lot.  We're going to have a few extra visits this month, just to give Butter more time to work through some of his issues.  And mine.

I confess that I spent several hours yesterday starting the cataloging and packing up of my books ready for my classroom.  It's a lot more time consuming than just throwing the books in to a box.  I have to stamp each book with my name, catalog them in to my online library program, and write down the AR reading level in each book.  After about three hours, I packed just over 100 books.  There's only about 400 more to go.  Good thing I started when I did, I might actually be finished by the time I go back to work.

I confess that I love the fact that Katniss, my kitten, is curled up underneath my desk in her bed.  Only because Hubby said that she wouldn't sleep in a bed.  Nor would she sleep in the bed when it's under my desk.  He made sure to inform me that cats aren't as loyal as dogs are.  She won't follow me around or sleep with me or keep me company when I'm sitting here typing.  Really, Hubby?  Well, here's the proof...

I confess that having Katniss has really helped fill the hole I've felt since Asia left.  I know I haven't said much about that.  Only because it's really been too difficult.  I still have trouble when I get home from somewhere, and she's not there waiting for me by the door.  I know she's doing well with her new family, but it's still hard.  Thankfully, Katniss does all of the things Hubby said she probably wouldn't do - and then some.  One of my favorites being curling up in bed with me at night.  She sleeps exactly how Asia used to - right up against my back.  It's also a huge bonus that Hubby actually likes Katniss.  They get along very well, actually.  Having an animal Hubby likes is huge.

I confess that I ate better yesterday.  Still not perfect, but better.  It's something that will get some encouragement this week while I'm working.  Being that this entire week of camp is dedicated to cooking, eating, and nutrition - I might actually learn a thing or two.  Plus, I've made sure to add 30 minutes of outside activity to the lesson plan.  I'll admit, that part is for my own benefit.  I figure why not kill two birds with one stone.  I want to get in some exercise and I have to teach the kids the importance of staying hydrated while they play.  Might as well come up with a good way to demonstrate that.

I confess that I probably need to get my behind in gear.  I have quite a drive a head of me - and no idea what traffic is going to be like.  I better give myself extra time to get there... which means it's time for confessions to be over.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions From Home

This time next week, I'll be sitting in the exact same spot - but won't have to worry about going back to my parent's house.  My time of taking care of extra kids will be over, and I'll be enjoying the beginning of my summer vacation.

Right now, I'm temporarily enjoying time at home.  Just a trip for the day so that I could take care of a few things...and bring Katniss home, finally.  And I figured that while I'm here, I could enjoy writing my blog post on my laptop.  The way it should be done.

It's Tuesday, so it's time for some confessions...

I confess that I was really excited about my parents coming home on Friday - until we had an emergency with one of the laptops this morning...and I am not looking forward to telling my mom about.  Not one bit.  The screen is completely screwed - and we have no idea why.  It looks as though it's been dropped, but I know that hasn't happened.  It's got a nasty black spot on it, and the screen just shows up white.  I'm hoping with all my might that my parents bought the extra warranty.  I do not want to be held liable for replacing a laptop - especially since I have no idea how it got broke in the first place.

I confess that sitting in my office is making me itch to start sorting stuff for my classroom.  Boxing up all the books and supplies that I've been hoarding collecting over the past few years is going to feel amazing.  Not only will it get my new classroom off to a great start, but it will clear out TONS of room in our already cramped office.

I confess that I haven't been out walking every day.  In fact I didn't go out Sunday or yesterday.  Sunday I have no excuse for.  Yesterday I was cleaning.  Still not a good excuse. I'm not counting Saturday - because I got plenty of exercise while in the pool.

I confess that house hunting - or at least the house hunting process - has become my new hobby.  Looking into what I need to do, credit stuff, and areas that I would consider moving is all I've been doing.  Hubby is less than thrilled...more like down-right against it.  Although, I really don't think he knows how time consuming house buying can be.  He may want to wait a while - but the whole process could take months.  How much more time do we need to wait? 

I confess that I can't wait to get my booty back in to a swimming pool.  I had so much fun on Saturday.  I got in some great exercise while enjoying myself the whole time.  Just a few more days. Sigh.

I confess that I bought some new tank tops last week, and I actually like the way I look in them.  I'm not a big fan of tight clothing, nowadays, but these aren't that bad.  I bought bright colors - which I was a little nervous about - but they make me feel pretty cheerful.  I also bought a new dress - but I haven't tried that on yet.

I confess that I'm just so ready to get back my normal life.  Sleeping in my own bed, sitting at my own computer, going back to Hubby being the one that cooks.  This summer has blown big horse manure chunks so far - and I'm just ready to enjoy the time I have off. 

I confess that I'm also ready to get back to being able to go to the gym.  The amount of times I've been sitting at my parent's house and wishing I could just jump in the car and go to the gym to pound out some frustration.  Plus, I could take advantage of the free personal training that my gym offers.  Before, the PT hours were never available when I could be there.  Now, I have all the time in the world...well, for the next 6 weeks or so.  That's plenty of time to get some decent training in - and come up with some solid plans. 

I confess that this past three and a half weeks have definitely shone some light on how I need to stop agreeing to do stuff that I don't want to do.  I never really wanted to live at my parents for four weeks and take care of the extra kids.  I did it because I thought it was my duty of being a good daughter.  While I truly believe that my parents needed this vacation - I didn't need the added stress that came with it.  I'm going to have to start putting my big girl pants on in the future and know that it's OK to say no.

Alright...time to go.

Till next time. ;)

I Think It's Tuesday... Which Means True Confessions

I'm so freaking lost on my days, I didn't even know it was Tuesday until I sat down to write my blog.  What's worse is that it's my niece's birthday today - and I still didn't know the actual day.  That's what summer will do to a person, I guess.

I'm sitting in front of my computer, at home.  It feels nice.  I love my iPad, but it always feels good to be sitting in my office, in front of my laptop.  Probably because there are no kids in here, it's quiet, and...well...it's my own house.  Gee, I'm so homesick.

So, it's Tuesday - from what I understand - so that means it's time for me to dish the dirt in this week's installment of True Confessions.  Let's get started, shall we?

I confess that I have somehow gained 6lbs since moving to my mom's.  How a person gains 6lbs by only eating one meal a day is beyond me... but if anyone can do it, I can.  And, I am fully aware of how bad it is that I'm only eating one meal a day... but I can't even remember what day it is, let alone remember to eat three times a day.  Sue me.

I confess that I'm so freaking excited that there's only 9 more days until my parents return from their vacation.  Thank all things Holy.  Any more time than that, and I'd be clinically insane, weigh 500lbs, and may take up drinking.  Well, maybe I would take up drinking, forget to eat altogether, and maybe end up losing some weight.  Food for thought.

I confess that I have watched WAY too much HGTV this week...and now it's got me all hooked on wanting to buy a new house.  I must stop watching shows that have so much effect on me.  I mean, I haven't even started working yet - and I'm already dreaming about buying a house and spending the money I haven't even earned.  HGTV is the devil!

I confess that going to the wedding on Saturday didn't really have much effect on my wanting to get married.  I think it's because I was surrounded by beautiful people - and all I could think about was how fat and frumpy I'd look in a wedding dress.  Although, maybe if I actually set a date and started planning for a wedding, it would shoot a rocket up my behind to actually lose the freakin' weight.

I confess that I want to go swimming some time this week, but I'm scared to death about trying on my bathing suit.  I know it's not going to fit - but I refuse to buy another one.  Just not going to do it.  I got rid of my fat clothes for a reason...and it wasn't so I could replace them.  I either lose the weight again, or go nekked...and I'm pretty sure there's not a single person on this planet that would want that.

I confess that I'm really enjoying the quality time that Peanut and I have had this week.  With Butter spending some time with P-Momma, it's given Peanut and I some time to hang out together.  She's been a great help with all the kiddos, and she and I have sat on the porch each night chatting.  Makes all my heart warm and fuzzy to think that my daughter is actually enjoying spending some time with me.  They grow up too dang fast!

I confess that I honestly think I've earned my Domestic Goddess badge the past couple of weeks.  I've handwashed dishes every day.  I've cooked.  I've cleaned.  I've done all of the laundry for everyone in the house.  I am very proud of myself.  I've learned what you're supposed to do when being a good parent.  It's only taken me this long to learn.  HA!

I confess that I really need to get off of here and go grocery shopping.  I've spent enough time enjoying my computer, and I need to do what I'm supposed to be doing.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday!!!

Wouldn't it be nice if one Tuesday, I came on here and said "Sorry folks, I have absolutely nothing to confess this week"? You should be so lucky. As long as I'm overweight, ticked off about something - which you all know is pretty much all of the time - and breathing...I'm going to have something to confess.

So, like I've done for pretty much every Tuesday for over a year... I'm going to share this week's confessions....

I confess that... I am so happy that once I'm done babysitting at my parent's house, I don't have to attend ESL academy. I was supposed to spend the the last two weeks in June attending a 12 hour a day/7 day a week college course that would give me my certification to teach ESL. It's a course that's only offered for AR teachers - or this course is - so, now I'm no longer eligible to take it. As much as I'd like to be ESL certified, I know that spending two weeks doing that after spending 4 weeks at my parent's house would have completely knocked me over the edge of becoming clinically insane. No one wants that.

I confess that... I'm still not eating well. I'm eating once or twice a day, and my food choices are anything but clean. I know it has a lot to do with the options that I have here at my parent's. They left tons of food for me to use while they are away, but hardly any of it fits in with the clean eating I want to be doing. I think that may be why I'm skipping so many meals - it's frustrating me that I don't have the options that I want. Once I get home, things will be a lot easier in that aspect.

I confess that... I'm not drinking near enough water. I'm down to drinking maybe 32ozs a day, and my body is informing me exactly what it thinks of that decision. I'm a little swollen and bloated because I'm probably a little on the dehydrated side. I just need to start carrying my water bottle around with me everywhere.

I confess that... I posted an ad on Craigslist last night to give away my sweet, precious dog, Asia. I've had her since she was 8 weeks old, and she's now 6 years old. I don't want to give her away - but Hubby and I are really tired of her using our entire house as a toilet. It started a little after she was fixed - and it's just gotten worse. She was paper trained, and I've kept her as an inside dog. But, the truth is, she needs access to a back yard - and I don't have one to give her. It breaks my heart thinking of not having her in the house with me - but hopefully I can find someone who can give her everything I can't.

I confess that... I spent a good part of yesterday watching House Hunters and Love It or List It on HGTV, and now I'm in an ancy, must find a new house or redecorate our house mood. I'd much rather find a new house, but being that I'm just now starting a job and I still have plenty of bills to take care of - urm, student loans - I'm not sure a new house is something that will be feasible for another couple of years.

I confess that... this week, Sanity asked me if I'd be interested in teaching a nutrition class at the summer camp she's working at the week of June 18th. It will be 4 half days, teaching the same lesson twice a day. I feel honored that she asked me to teach such a class, but it scares me a little. I'm not exactly the poster child of nutrition right now, but the money is really good - and I'd love to have a little extra cash to spend. I would love to use the money on a staycation for Hubby and I. I'm thinking about teaching the class on the importance of healthy food choices and ditching the video games for some outside activities. Suggestions would be very much appreciated. Hrm, hrm, hint, hint.

I confess that... tomorrow, I will be purchasing my first furniture thing for my new classroom. A pair of bean-bag chairs. Being that I haven't gotten to think about my new classroom at all since finding out I'm actually going to have one - it was nice to find a friend that was getting rid of her bean-bags and snatch them from her.

I confess that... my mood has lifted quite a bit the past couple of days. As much as I could think of things I'd much rather be doing - I don't have that option, so I'm making the most of what I've got to work with. My parent's house is nice, comfortable, and in a relaxing location. I can either think of this as a small vacation - or a prison sentence. Who wants to spend their time feeling like their in prison? Not me! So, mini vacation feeling it is.

I confess that... I'm so jealous of Jelly right now. She left on Sunday to go spend the week with P-Momma. Yesterday, I got this texted to me...

Yep, I'm so jealous. She's having a blast in the pool. Which I'm happy about - she deserves a little break. I just can't wait until I'm able to join her in that crisp, clear water.

I confess that... I'm going to do more walking this week. Probably late in the evening, because in the morning I'm doing my blog posts and drinking coffee. Not a great excuse, but being that I was outside at 8am this morning and was dripping sweat by just sitting there - I think I'll enjoy the evening walks better.

Alright, I think that's plenty for one day. It's going to be a relaxing day for me today - and then tomorrow and Thursday I'll be able to get out of the house and do some running around. I've never been more excited about running errands - HA!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Today is no ordinary True Confessions Tuesday.  It just so happens to be the last TCT that I will do this school year.  This time next week, I will be on summer break.  Away from school.  Probably already missing it.  What, wait... did I say that?   Moving on...

I confess that I spent some time this morning looking back at my TCT posts from last year.  It appears not too much has changed.  The True Confessions I had exactly a year ago are almost identical to the confessions this year.... I'm eating too much, I'm stressed about the job hunt, I'm having a hard time motivating myself to work-out.  It would be really nice if this time next year, I'm looking back and something has changed.  Either I'm 50lbs lighter or I have a job.  Both would be nice.. but I don't want to push it.

I confess that I've done some emotional eating this past week.  The scale hasn't gone up any, but it hasn't gone down any either.  I can't help that I'm very emotional right now.  But, the emotional eating is less frequent - and the consumption is less.  I'll take that.  Less is better than more. 

I confess that I'm really forcing myself to stay positive.  With the end of school being two days away, I'm panicking a little.  I've had one interview in a school. ONE.  That's not much to boost my confidence.  I also know that anything can happen once school is out - so I keep repeating "Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up" over and over in my head. 

I confess that I do have another interview set up for next Tuesday - but it's in a different state.  Missouri, to be exact.  Luckily for me, it's only 30 minutes from my house.  Although, it would mean my kids having to leave the school district we're in now...and that would be really hard on them. 

I confess that I was really ticked off last night about not being able to smell or taste anything.  Hubby decided to make BLTs for dinner...and I couldn't smell or taste the bacon due to the sickness/allergies/sinus infection thingy I have going on.  Having no sense of taste works wonders on my overeating problem... but I haven't had a BLT in ages.  And even after eating one last night - I have no idea how it tasted.  BLAH!

I confess that I quoted Miley Cyrus on my Facebook wall yesterday.  While I'm not a huge fan of Miss Cyrus - her song, The Climb, does have lyrics that are appropriate to my life situation.  I'm sure I could have found a more grown up, deeper quote to use... but, well, it just fit the way I was feeling. 

I confess that I'm quite excited about spending the entire day outside for Field Day.  Yes, I know I have allergy problems.  I know I'm battling some form of sinus infection.  But none of that matters.  Today is all about making sure those kiddos have fun...and that's exactly what I plan on doing.   As much as I really don't want to think too much about it - this could be the last day I get to have fun with them all. 

I confess that I haven't started planning or packing at all to go to my parent's on Thursday.  I probably need to do that today.  Even though I can come back home any time for something I need - I need to at least have the stuff packed that I will need to take on Thursday.  Although, I can't really do too much tonight because Butter is in a school play and I'll be there. 

I confess that I'm very excited about seeing Butter in his first school play.  He's been very excited about it.

Alright, that's it for me today. 

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

After this past weekend's EmotionFest, I was able to get a lot off my chest.  Not so much in terms of confessions, per say, but cleansing truths that needed to be set free.  Today, and every Tuesday, are meant to be a little more upbeat.  I share some of the little secrets I've been keeping from you.  In a fun, confessional type manner.  Feel free to do this on your own blog - and then let me know you did.... I love reading other people's confessions.

I confess that this weekend I went to the movies and ate way too much popcorn.  Like WAY too much.  Peanut and I got the large bucket to share - and then ended up getting it refilled.  So, we basically ate a bucket of popcorn each.  And when I say bucket - I mean... the same kind of bucket that chicken is sold in.  And when any type of food is sold in a freakin' bucket... you know it's B-A-D!

I confess that because I ate a gallon of popcorn, I skipped dinner Sunday night because I was so full and bloated.  It was a feeling that I deserved after what I did - but it made me realize how bad eating like that makes me feel.  All that sodium turns in to bloat.  Which turns in to uncomfortableness.  Which turns in to me feeling like a beached whale.  No bueno!

I confess that I came home yesterday and actually felt pretty upbeat.  I feel so bad for poor Hubby.  I expect that, lately, he dreads the minute I walk in the front door.  It's like playing Russian Roulette.  Am I going to be happy?  Mad?  Sad?  I made sure to give him a big hug and kiss to show him that the coast was clear - but I'm not sure if the look in his face was relief or caution.  He probably accounts living with me at this point in time to living with landmines.  One wrong move, and I may blow up.  Poor, poor guy.

I confess that yesterday, I got to try the Queen of all ice-cream bars.  In which I guess I have to confess that I ate an ice-cream bar yesterday.. so two confessions in one!  The bar was a Magnum Double Caramel.. and Oh Em Gee... can you say pure heaven?  As much as I knew it was bad for me, and loaded with sugar and calories - it was a nice treat.  Not a treat that I plan on eating again for a long time - but a treat all the same.  Vanilla ice-cream dipped in chocolate, dipped in caramel, and then dipped in chocolate again.  My thighs are getting bigger just thinking about it..

I confess that I also had an ice-cream bar...a Magnum Double Chocolate on Friday.  Chocolate ice-cream dipped in chocolate, then dipped in chocolate sauce, and then dipped in chocolate again.  Basically a chocolate coma.  It was good, but very rich.  Not near as good as the one I had yesterday.  You also notice that this is another two-for-one confession, right?

I confess that after coming home from my very rough Friday afternoon, Hubby suggested we go out and eat dinner.  Bless him so.  He knows that when I'm feeling blue, it's best to head to the nearest food station.  No, that didn't sound right.  He's not an enabler - he just wants to make me feel better.  We did go out and eat.  I ordered steak and a baked potato.  I also ordered a Blooming Onion, but I just couldn't eat very much of it.  The grease just made me feel icky - and a couple of bites was all I could manage.  I ended up bringing half of my dinner home - which I think is a good thing.   

I confess that even though it appears I've eaten like crap this past week, I have not.  OK, so it wasn't as clean as I'd like - but it was about a 80% clean week.  Looking at the week I had emotionally compared to the amount of binge/bad eating I did - I'd say I came out pretty well.  Of course, I still show signs of lots of improvement that's needed... but I have improved.  A few weeks ago, I would have drowned myself in food non-stop for about 3 days.  This weekend saw my biggest set-backs.. but two ice-cream bars, a steak dinner, and the popcorn were the worst offenders.  Everything I ate in addition was clean.

I confess that the scale has bumped up a little since the Bucket incident.  I was totally expecting that.  All that sodium has sent my body into shock.  I know that if I stay on track this week - it'll disappear again.  

I confess that it brings me comfort to be honest.  Admitting my feelings, my bad decisions, and my set-backs are part of the process.  They are not signs of failure.  Sometimes being honest can put me in uncomfortable situations, but I truly believe that as long as I can be honest - things will work out for the best. 

And there you go - another installment of True Confessions Tuesday.  I have just one more before I go...

I confess that when I looked in the mirror this morning, after getting dressed, I saw a little difference in the way I looked.  Good difference.  It may be the clothes I'm wearing - it could also be that I'm starting to see myself in a different light.  Whatever it was - it felt so freakin' good.  I know I still have weight to lose to even get down to my starting weight for the year... but when I start to notice some difference in my appearance - that's definitely a good thing. 

That's the secret, really, isn't it?  Looking at ourselves in a more positive light.  I know once I get through this very tough time - whether it be with what I want or not - as long as I see myself in a positive light, things won't be as bad as they seem. 

Change stems from within.  Seeing the beauty on the inside often reflects the beauty on the outside, and recognizing the beauty is the first step to inner happiness. - Me.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Well, I kinda messed myself up for confessions this week - being that I confessed yesterday about the horrible weekend I had in terms of eating.  You already know that I ate way too much junk on Saturday.  But, you also know me well enough by now to know that one bad eating day isn't all I've got to confess.  You know there's more...there always is...

I confess that I'm stressed to the max right now, and it's not because of trying to find a job.  It's personal stuff in my family... but it's got me WAY more stressed than I've been in a long time.  Just when I thought I couldn't be more stressed, something comes along to prove me wrong.

I confess that I got the nugget of news that got me so stressed last night, and after receiving the news I didn't eat a single thing.  Did you hear me?  I did NOT eat after receiving news that got me more stressed than I am about my job hunt.  Be sure you read this one several times over to give it a chance to settle in.

I confess that the only reason I didn't cram my face full ISN'T because there's nothing to cram my face full in my house - there's plenty of junk that's crept it's way in to the house - it's because I didn't think about eating.  Again, go ahead and read this one a few times, too.

I confess that rather than thinking about eating, I took my anger and frustration out on cleaning my house.  Yes, this is me actually typing this - no matter how much you're doubting the authenticity of this post.  In a matter of a couple of hours my house went from looking like a tornado sight to...well...a house that looks clean.  

I confess that I got hardly any sleep last night.  There's no happy twist to this one.  I slept an hour, maybe.  I'm tired and very cranky, now.  Gonna make for a long day, I'm sure.

I confess that I found out on Sunday that pork rinds are considered a not so bad junk food snack.  Am I even in the right universe anymore?  I can actually eat little nuggets of pork fat that are cooked in pork fat and they are better for me than potato chips?  Apparently so.  According to all the research I've done, pork rinds are packed with protein, have no carbs, and actually contain good fats.  Yes, they do also contain some bad fat - but not as much as you find in a bag of potato chips.  Amazing, right?  They are safe to eat in small quantities to appease junk food cravings.  Just when I thought my junk food loving days were over.

I confess that I'm still stressed about my job hunt, but I've kinda decided that there's not really much more I can do other than wait that I get an interview or four.  I've contacted principals, I've notified the people I work for which jobs I'm interested in.  There's really nothing else I can do at this point, other than wait.  And pray to all things holy that I at least get some interviews.  I think that will be more devastating than not finding a job - knowing that I didn't even get any interviews for a chance at a job.

I confess that I'm nervous, and scared, and angry, and stressed, and every other negative emotion that can be felt at this very minute... yet eating is the last thing I'm thinking about.  Maybe I'm going to be OK.  Yes, all my troubles would be over if I found a job - even the troubles that aren't related to job hunting - but if I keep reminding myself that I'm not comforting myself with food - it helps me feel a little better. 

Life is hard right now.  But, then again, when isn't it - right?  I've always got some form of stress or inner demon pulling at my heart strings.  This is the first time in...well, ever, that I haven't turned to food to comfort me and I have to take a second to rejoice that fact.  This is a huge breakthrough and turning point for me.  It tells me there's still hope for me, yet.  I'm going to look at this small victory as a sign. I still have fight in me.  I still have a chance.  When the going gets tough, I usually get to eating - but not this time.  I found something else to focus my mind on - and maybe I can keep doing that.

I confess that even though I feel like I can't ever catch a break - there's still a small slither of silver lining attached to my cloud.  And that is something to be happy about regardless of everything else going on with me.


Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

It's that time of week, again, where I spill my guts of anything that I might have accidentally on purpose missed out on telling you this past week...

I confess that I'm really loving the new diet plan I'm on - if you want to call it that.  It's just eating better and writing more - but it works for me. 


I confess that I've done more writing and typing in to journals the past two days than I have in forever.  Yes, I write my blog every morning and have been doing that for almost 2 years - but I'm now doing a journal post before writing my blog, writing in a journal at work, and then coming home and typing in to another private journal.  Lots of writing - but lots of reasons.


I confess that even though I've eaten much better the past two days, I've still given in to temptation.  Sunday night it was two mini wheat muffins that Hubby made.  Bless his heart, he knew I'm not eating white flour now - so he made muffins with wheat flour. I wasn't going to eat them - because they still had a 1/2 cup of sugar in the batch - but I did.  I ate 2.  Then, yesterday, I ate a Milky Way Mini and two Snickers Minis.  Did you know that there's 45 calories in each of those tiny morsels of chocolate?  I didn't.  Until after I ate them.  Lesson learned on that!

I confess that even though I slipped up slightly each day, I don't feel horrible about it.  One of the things I love about the book I'm using is that it explains that ridding myself of the temptation is a slow process - and not one that will be fixed overnight.  If I can take my sugar intake down from what it was a week ago to a couple of mini chocolate bars... I'm doing fine.  Once my body really starts getting adjusted to the decrease in sugar, then it will notice the invasion of any amount of sugar... eventually...and that will help me stay clear of it.  The book calls it "Sugar Hangover".  The switch from an energetic body to a body that has sugar in it apparently feels just like a hangover.  Wouldn't that be interesting to experience?  My body is so used to sugar, that I don't know what that feels like - yet. 

I confess that I passed on burritos for dinner last night and opted for a huge salad, instead.  It was nothing but salad greens, grape tomatoes, green onions, a sprinkle of shredded cheese,  4 slices of ham, and 2 boiled eggs - splashed with balsamic vinaigrette - but it was delish! And oh my, was I full after I finished eating it.

I confess that I need to do more research on Eating Clean.  By the standards of The Writing Diet, eating clean just means not eating any white flour, processed grains, or refined sugar.  So, no white breads, pastas, or rice - and absolutely no sugar.  I can handle that - but there's sugar in a lot of foods... so I need help finding out what foods I can eat. 

I confess that I might do the research while I'm at work today - being that I'll be spending the day, again, in front of a computer.

I confess that I'm mentally telling myself that I want to eat more protein and really limit complex carbs.  I want to avoid breads and pastas as much as possible - because they are trigger foods for me. Even whole wheat/ whole grain versions.  I'm not a huge fan of brown rice, so I feel comfortable enough to eat that - so I might cook up a big batch of that to eat with some of my foods this week.

I confess that for the next few weeks, at least, I'm probably going to be talking about my diet plan - and not much else.  My blog, which also means those that read it, are one of my designated Body Buddies.  That means I will be talking about my feelings, my eating, my walking, etc. A LOT.  I can't promise that it will be much fun - but hopefully it will be insightful.  If I have good results, maybe it will inspire someone else to try it.

I confess that I haven't stressed about my job hunt ONCE since last week.  Can you believe that?  Since reading The Writing Diet, and beginning my constant writing escapade, I haven't really spent much time dwelling on the job hunt.  Don't get me wrong, I've thought about it - but not in a "OMG, I'm totally not going to find a job and that's totally stressing me out" kinda way. 

I confess that I'm very excited that there's only 17 days of school left, but then again I'm not.  That only leaves 17 days of certainty in my future left.  Yes, I know that I can come back to this job next year if I need to - but how freakin' awesome would it be to end this school year off knowing that I will be heading in to a classroom this summer to make it my own?  And no, I'm not stressing - just saying.

I confess that I'm really excited about the boom of kindergarten registrations my school district has received thus far.  Not that my school district shares that excitement with me - I'm sure.  But too many kids means not enough teachers.  Which, well, you know what that means, right?  I can't get my hopes up.  Who knows how each school will handle the influx of new kiddos.  But, it's at least something to keep my hopes and spirits up - for now.

I confess that I'm looking forward to my weekend.  Yes, already.  I will be walking the Race for the Cure Saturday morning with Peanut.  Then, we'll be heading to my mom's so that my mom and I can go spend the day at bingo.  P-Momma is also coming with us - which is going to be great!  Spending the day with my bio mom and my mom away from mom will be fantastic.  I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun.  Then, I'll be spending the night at my mom's house - and going out Sunday for a nice walk around her block.  Which, just happens to be out in the country - and equals a 5K.  So, could I possibly be walking two 5Ks in one weekend?

Alright, that's it for now.  As you can see, I'm feeling pretty upbeat and happy.  I'm still excited about what I'm doing.  I feel that I may be FINALLY on the verge of making some progress.  Wait, I'm already making progress.  Let me try that again... I feel that I may FINALLY be on the verge of continuing my progress to get some great results.  Yeah, that sounds much better.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

With the first day of Benchmark being yesterday - I've got some doozy confessions to share today. 

I confess that I had a major binge breakdown yesterday.  As in, I didn't stop eating from the moment my feet stepped through the school doors until my feet got in to bed last night.  It was awful!  There was a "Benchmark Oasis" set up for the teachers.  Meaning - Benchmark Chocolate and Junk Food.  I ate Brown Betty's, mini candy bars, Lifesavers, and cake pretty much all day.  On top of that, I ate a meal replacement bar for breakfast, and a school lunch - hot ham and cheese with fries.  Came home and ate two helpings of tuna casserole - and then devoured a fruit pie and some chocolate chip cookies.  I don't even want to begin to do the math on how many calories I consumed in one day.

I confess that I went to bed last night feeling bloated, sick, and ashamed.  I have absolutely no idea why I did what I did to myself.  I really felt guilty about it though -  and I still do. 

I confess that I haven't been doing so well tracking my food on MFP.  Make that I haven't been tracking at all.  Up until yesterday it wasn't bothering me too much - because I was being very good with my food choices - sticking mostly to fruits, veggies, whole grains - no white flour, sugar, etc.  I hate to think what my daily intake would look like if I had tracked yesterday, though.  

I confess that I did try to keep myself moving most of the day yesterday.  I started the day off getting the kids to do some stretches and jumping jacks - which I did with them.  I paced the room pretty much the whole time they were testing - which was a little over 3 hours.  As soon as testing was over, I went outside with the kiddos and played a little soccer.

I confess that I hate it when two pairs of pants the same size fit completely differently.   I wasn't happy yesterday when the size 20 pants I put on were a little on the tight side.  Meaning, that I had to be really careful during stretches and jumping jacks yesterday - out of fear of my pants ripping.  Then, this morning, I put on another pair of size 20 pants - and I can basically put them on without unbuttoning them...and they are very baggy.  It's so frustrating when I'm trying to gauge changes in my body by my pant size - and pants that are supposed to be the same size fit so freakin' differently!

I confess that I'm happy my allergies seem to be easing up on me just a little.  I'm still a little snotty - and have a nagging cough - but I was able to go outside with the kiddos yesterday and it didn't completely kill me.  If things continue to improve - I should be able to get out this weekend for a long walk and be back in the gym full time next week.

I confess that yesterday's meltdown has made me really want to crawl in a hole with shame.  It also makes me mad - and the anger is good.  It makes me think that I'll think twice before being tempted like that again for the rest of the week.

I confess that I came up with a mini game plan last night - while in the midst of my binge, and fully aware of it. Subway is having a buy one get one free promotion this month.  Before 9am, if you buy a 6" sub, you get a 6" sub free.  So, on my way to work, I'm going to stop and pick up a breakfast sub - and get a lunch sub for free.  I'm going to load both with veggies and use them to help keep me full for the day.  I'm also going to try and stay out of the "Benchmark Oasis" for the rest of the week.  I just realized how much this confession sounded like a commercial.  Man, I've been watching too much Biggest Loser.  You're welcome, Subway!

I confess that I'm also going to take advantage of some of my exercise opportunities this week by starting every morning off with the kids doing some yoga stretches and light cardio.  Jumping jacks, running in place - stuff like that - that will get the heart pumping for them and calories burning for me.  I'm going to utilize the fact that I can walk back and forth for three hours continuously.  I'm going to end each day either walking the track a few times or playing some soccer.  I've been given a great opportunity this week - and I can't be stupid and spoil it with mini candy bars and baked goods.  That's just silly.

I confess that even though I deserve to beat myself up over my meltdown yesterday - I realized that I haven't had a major meltdown like that in weeks.  I just looked back through my past few Confession posts - and the last 4 have been pretty positive in regards to my eating habits.  One meltdown in at least a month is definitely a sign of progress...and one that I should celebrate just a little.  Who can remember my posting about a binge almost every week?  I know I can.  So, to say that I have been eating much better for over a month is something I'm proud of.  And maybe next time I post about a binge....several months have gone by - or there's no such thing as a binge because I've finally done away with stupid, mindless eating.  One can hope!

I know, deep down, that my allergies have taken a toll on me in more ways than I can ever imagine.  They are taking away some of my control.  They are preventing me to do what I want to do - as much as I was fighting with myself to do it before my allergies hit.  Exercise.  I need balance.  When I eat well, I don't work out.  When I work out, I don't eat well.  If I could find the balance - and eat well and work-out simultaneously... I know I'd be feeling much better and more motivated.  

I'm hoping that I can use this week as mini stepping stones back in to working out.  It's all about finding opportunities to get my body moving...and I have several of those opportunities this week.  I don't have to be in a gym to get exercise, I know that.  And not being able to go to the gym can't be an excuse.  If things keep going the way they are - I won't have any more excuses this time next week.  I should be healthy enough to start giving my all - again.

Yesterday was bad - but it was a learning opportunity.  I have the chance to learn from it - and try not to make the same mistake again.  The guilt I feel is good.  I need it.  It will hopefully keep me strong as I'm faced with continuous temptation for the rest of the week. 
 
I will be strong.  I will Overcome!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

It's Tuesday, so it's time for some confessional cleansing...

I confess that I did not go to the gym after work yesterday because, once again, my allergies were fighting me.  I was fine pretty much all day, but by around 2:30pm, I could feel and hear that faint wheezing sound coming from my chest - and I knew going to the gym would aggravate it.

I confess that I ate an ice-cream bar yesterday. 

I confess that I avoided eating birthday cake yesterday.

I confess that with the ice-cream and minus the cake, I stayed under my calorie intake.  100 calories under, actually.  For a total of 1357 calories consumed.

I confess that I was able to fit in to a pair of pants yesterday that I wasn't able to fit in to a few weeks ago.  They were size 18, which makes me shudder to think that I wasn't even able to get them around my stomach back then - but I decided to try them yesterday, and they fit!  OK, they may have been a little tight at first, but after wearing them for a while they loosened up.

I confess that I'm wearing a pair of jeans that are size 20 today.  Even though they are a tad too big, they are not too big enough for my liking.  It makes me mad.  

I confess that I'm really hoping it rains today.  Pours rain.  Then, my allergies might back off enough for me to go to the gym to at least get a circuit training in.

Well, I think that's about it with the confessions for this week.  I'm happy that my confessions are starting to equal out - bad with good. 

The gym situation is plaguing my mind just a little.  Even though I was feeling the wheezing in my chest by the time I left work, I really didn't feel like going before that happened.  I kept telling myself I had to go, but inside I feel like I probably wouldn't have if my allergies hadn't been acting up. 

Getting those jeans on, yesterday, was bittersweet.  Yeah, I was happy I could fit in to them - but the fact that I had so much trouble with a size 18 really ticks me off.  The jeans were a small NSV - but I'll be much happier when I'm able to squeeze in to a size 16 with that much trouble.  Then I'll feel like I'm really accomplishing something. 

The Race for the Cure is on April 28th.  I haven't signed up yet.  I will.  I've accepted the fact that I will be walking this year - right along size Peanut - but it's another one of those situations that reminds me how far I've fallen off the wagon. 

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling a little blah today.  I actually like days like this - every now and then.  I feel reflective, a little defeated, a lot disappointed.  But, it's these types of days where I find myself being the strongest.  When I'm reflecting and feeling sorry for myself about how far I steered off course, I tend to fight a little harder.  I tend to use the blah as fuel.  It's like a nagging feeling inside of me that makes me think twice before picking up something to eat I shouldn't, before thinking about skipping out on the gym.  It's like I have an inner voice that pushes the negative feelings - calls me out on how slow I'm doing - and causes my inner competitor to come out and stick her tongue out at negative me.

Yep, here I go with multiple personalities again. 

It's true, though.  In a way, I do have multiple personalities.  I have Me.  I have Negative Me.  I have Warrior Princess Me.  Most of the time, Negative Me and Warrior Princess Me show their heads separately.  On days I do something I'm really proud of, Warrior Princess is there basking in the glory.  On days where I've slid off course, Negative Me is doing a victory lap.  Then, there are those times when Warrior Princess and Negative stand toe to toe, eye to eye.  It's like Wrestle Mania up in my head.  Both want to come out victorious - neither wants the other to win.

That's today.  A blah day.

Negative Me is totally fine with not going to the gym.  Warrior Princess is rolling her eyes and tapping her foot.  They are both ready to square off as the day unfolds.  I just hope that Warrior Princess is able to keep her ground - because Negative Me has had way too many victories, lately.

On top of fictional, pseudo personalities gearing up for their battle royal in my head - I've also got the job hunt wafting around.  Each day that passes means I'm one day closer to having to start making contact.  Ugh, I shudder at the thought.  But, I have to keep that out - for now.   Once I get through this week, and Benchmark testing next week, then the flood gates of stress can open up.  Right now, the only thing I need to be thinking about is how I can arm Warrior Princess with something to smack Negative Me upside the head with. 

I'll let you know how the battle unfolded tomorrow.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

I confess that I feel like royal crap this morning.  Not just regular crap, royal crap - meaning king and queen of all crap.  I hardly got any sleep last night.  It's all because of my allergies.  They've hit my chest - big time - and now I'm wheezing and feeling tightness in my chest.  It sucks big elephant balls!  I took an allergy pill last night shortly after dinner, and it knocked me out.  As in, I couldn't keep my eyes open for anything.  Of course, when I finally decided to go to bed - I kept being woken up by coughing.  It's going to be a long day.

I confess that I didn't go to the gym last night.  I got about a third of my way to work yesterday morning when I realized I'd forgotten my gym bag.  I didn't stress about it too much, cause I figured I could just come home from work and go for a walk.  Then, well, the first confession happened - and I didn't think it would a good idea to try and go walking outside while my allergies were so bad.

I confess that I'm proud of the fact that I only ate 1350 calories yesterday. 

I confess that I'm not so proud of the fact that I ate a coconut cupcake for an afternoon snack yesterday.

I confess that I'm proud of the fact that I was able to eat that one cupcake and not more than that...and it didn't cause any urgent need for sugar.  It kept me satisfied until dinner time.  So, I must definitely be getting a little better with my binge eating control.  A couple of weeks ago, a cupcake would have meant an out of control spiral eating anything in sight.   

I confess that I've decided I want to stay away from the scale for much longer than a few weeks.  In fact, I've decided to stay away from it for at least another month, if not more.  Yesterday, I announced that I wanted to lose about 20lbs between now and summer break.  But, the point for that 20lbs is because it would put be down to wearing a size 16 again...where I want to be (for now).  So, instead of using the scale to dictate my progress - I'll be using my clothes.  When my clothes start to become looser and baggier - I'll know that I'm making good progress.

I confess that I'm totally hooked on the new book series Fifty Shades of Grey.   I read the first book in the trilogy in a matter of a couple of days, and now I'm on the second book.  If you haven't heard about it - then you must Google it.  Well, let me first warn you that it is an adult book - meaning for adults, and meaning there's a lot of.. urm..."adult" content.  It doesn't fall in to my usual taste in books, but I just haven't been able to put it down.  It's my first eRead book, too - I downloaded it on to my iPad. 

I confess that I really enjoyed getting back to work yesterday.  It was so nice to see the kiddos' faces.  They looked refreshed, as if the break did them the world of good.  Which, I'm sure it did.  It's hard to fathom that I only have seven weeks left with these little angels.  I sure hope that something happens in the next seven weeks that gives me the ability to see them again next year... but I'm not opening up that can of worms just yet.

That's about it for today.  I really can't think of anything else I need to confess.  I'm not touching last week - that would keep me here all day.  Plus, I already confessed that I slacked off last week in other posts, so to just say it again would be redundant.

I'm still feeling a little out of whack with getting up at 4am and writing.  My creative juices just haven't started boiling again.  I'm hoping they will in the next few days....once the fog that is building up in my head starts to dissipate.  I really hate allergies!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

I confess that day 2 of my fruit and veggie detox went very well.  I'll admit that it was tougher being at work, because there is a lot more temptation looking me in the face - but I made it through A-OK.

I confess that my total caloric intake yesterday was 1379 - 91 calories under my limit!  I was still way over with protein, but everything else was below limit.  It's weird.  I stop eating so much meat, and end up finding other ways to pack on the protein.

I confess that I didn't go to the gym yesterday afternoon, and I have absolutely no excuse for it.

I confess that I'm excited that for this week only (starting today), I get to leave work about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do - which gives me an extra 15 minutes at the gym.  And despite not going yesterday, the thought of having those extra 15 minutes each day is exciting.

I confess that I just remembered I volunteered to help out after school tomorrow for a school function.  Which means there won't be any gym tomorrow.  Dang it!  Now I'm really ticked about not going yesterday.  Oh well, I get an extra 15 minutes today and Thursday at the gym.  That still gives me the equivalent of working out the normal time of three days.

I confess that I'm a little nervous about having to eat back my exercise calories.  And I may not, even though I'm supposed to.  That's simply because yesterday, I ate enough food to keep me full all day - and the thought of eating more than that is a little mind boggling.   Although, I'm an advocate for eating back my exercise calories - so maybe I'll treat myself to a yogurt for dessert after dinner, or maybe I'll eat a handful of almonds.  We'll see.

I confess that after only two days of eating clean, I already feel a lot more energetic.  Sunday night, I went to sleep pretty late - after 11pm actually.  I got up yesterday at 4:15am.  I was pretty tired for a while yesterday, but by the end of the day I felt much better.  I wasn't able to go to sleep last night until after 10pm, and I was up at 4:30 this morning.  I'm hoping my exercise will wear me out this evening - so I can go to bed earlier and get a decent night's worth of sleep.

I confess that while the rest of my family ate homemade burritos for dinner last night, I ate a heaping pile of veggies with a couple of spoonfuls of the burrito meat.  The plate didn't look very appetizing, but it tasted amazing.  I even snapped a pic...

That's a concoction of salad greens, salsa, burrito meat, natural guacamole, fat-free sour cream, onions, and peppers.  It looks terrible - but tasted fantastic.  Plus it was only 399 calories.  Which is probably a little over half of the calories of what everyone else in my house ate - except a lot more food.

I confess that my body is starting to feel different, already.  It made just be some mind play, but my body feels lighter.  Not once yesterday did I feel bloated or lethargic.  I felt lighter, more aware, and.. well... healthier.  I noticed a bounce in my step - even at the end of the day when I'm usually exhausted and ready to get home and get on the couch.   I'm enjoying the foods I'm eating.  My body is enjoying the foods being put in to it.  And, still considering I'm only 2 days in, I feel that I will get through this week being successful and eating clean.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday...That Involves a Celebrity!

Dear Diary...

I confess that this week past week as a whole has sucked compared to the week I had last week.  That's the first confession I want to throw out there.  But, as if you didn't already know that, right?

I confess that emotional eating took a toll on me yet again.  Thursday.  Friday.  And Saturday.  How much of a toll?  I hate to think...but I'm sure it's going to be a doozy what with Aunt Flo here on top of it all.

I confess that, if I'm being really honest - cause that's how I roll - I want to completely forget this week ever happened, lock it away forever, and only look back when I'm hitting a low point just so I can remind myself how crappy I felt - but then what I did to overcome it.

I confess that my walk on Sunday was A-MAZ-ING! 

I confess that my walk made me put some things in perspective.  Put some priorities in place.  And really made me rethink my whole game plan in terms of the way I'm living my life, and the prison my weight is keeping me in....that I totally plan to break free from.  Yes, there's going to be a prison break up in here!

I confess that I'm considering ditching the scale for a while.  The scale is a part of my sentence.  Each time I look at it, I feel chains around me.  I want to free myself from the stress the scale brings.  Just for a while.  It would mean giving up on the Biggest Loser competition at work - but it's not like I was going to win, anyway.  The final weigh-in is next week.  I'm still above the weight I started the competition...there's no chance in the world.  But, I'm still only considering ditching the scale. 

I confess that I have been reading my book and loving it.  It's full of so much information that speaks directly to me...and I can almost feel myself getting stronger and more determined with each word I read.  It's making me consider doing things I never thought I'd do, or things I'd never even considered doing. 

I confess that I was so excited about this happening yesterday...

Yep.  That's me and Biggest Loser season 10 winner Patrick House.  One of my heroes.  We are holding a pair of the pants he used to wear.  While I didn't have time to work out, I did make time to dash in to the gym, meet him, get a quick picture, and grab an autographed photo of him - that's personally made out to me. 

I confess that I felt very special when I introduced myself to him, and he knew who I was.  I've communicated with him a few times on the computer - and the wonderful guy actually responded.  That has to be one of the most flattering situations I've ever been in.  

I confess that since I met Patrick, all I've thought about are the questions I could have asked him.  My visit with him was so quick, I feel like I missed a great opportunity to pick his brain a little.  But, I don't want my meeting him to be something I associate with regret.  I got to meet him - that's all I wanted.

I confess that despite the rocky few days I've had this week, I don't regret any of them.  Really.  My book says that I need to embrace my moments of weakness so that I can find their root cause.  I think I did that.  Once I faced how stressed I was, I made myself work off some of that stress.  My mind was then clearer to come up with a way to help with some of the stress I was facing with the kids.  Sitting here every Tuesday and saying "I don't like the mistakes I made but I promise I won't do them again" was crap.  Obviously.  How many times have you heard that statement this year alone?  Setbacks and mistakes are going to happen.  Brushing them off and pledging not to repeat them gets me nowhere.  The only way I'm ever going to seriously make any changes is by facing my problems head on - and then looking for a solution.  I made a minor milestone this weekend with my walking and the chore list - but there's still a lot of demons that need to be set free.  I'll take one at a time, as they present themselves.  But one thing I can promise you - you'll never hear me say "I promise I won't do that again" again.  That load of bologna is gone - and now replaced with "Each time I have a set back, I will take the time to study that setback and look for the triggers, the causes, and healthier ways I can handle the situation for the future." 

How's that for a week's worth of confessions?

Till next time. ;)