Here We Go Again

Welp, this is it.  The Christmas break is over, and it's time to get back to my normalcy and routine.  I have to say, I'm split completely down the middle on how I feel about it.  One half of me is so sad that I have to go back to work already, and set aside the excitement and fun I've been having, while the other half is so ready to just get my head out of the clouds and return to what I do and know.

For the first time in several years, my Christmas tree is still up and lit and I haven't even taken a second to think about taking it down.  I think tonight I'll finally get around to doing it, but it's going to be bittersweet.  Christmas is already been and gone, and now it's the beginning of a new year.  

I took some time, yesterday, to update my calendar and enter in all the activities I have going on in the next couple of months.  I have to say that as much as I wanted to give up some of the control I like to have over everything and anything, I won't be able to give up my need to plan and organize with so much crammed in to my calendar.  I don't think I get a Saturday off until the end of March, and I might be home before 6PM one or two nights a week between now and then.  Track season will be starting about then, so that will put me in to even more activities and events going on.

I start back at school next Wednesday.  There's something else I can add to my already overflowing plate.  Every Wednesday for the next eight weeks, I'll be attending class for four hours, and who knows how much work I'll have to do outside of the class.  I'm hoping and praying that it won't be as tedious or time consuming as my last class was.  I will have Sundays available for a while, and I'd like for them not to be completely taken away by my needing to do homework.  

Over the course of the Christmas break, I've lost about 5lbs.  Yep, you heard that right folks, I've LOST 5lbs over the course of CHRISTMAS.  I am going to go out on a limb and say that I have NEVER lost weight in my ENTIRE life before over Christmas.  I mean, who does that?  Well, I guess I do.  I just haven't had much of an appetite and I've been pretty busy running here, there, and everywhere that it's helped out in the weight loss department.  But, now that my life will be returning back to normal, I plan on really using it to my advantage and staying focused on seeing the scale go down.  

I have made the decision that I'm going to get back in to running again.  I know, I know, I've said that many times before.. but I REALLY mean it this time.  I'm getting to that point where I'm almost craving the release that comes from running, and I want to rush out of my house to get it.  If I want to focus on less stress, less control, and more going with the flow, it's going to be imperative for me to have some kind of release.  The change in my mindset isn't going to come easy, and I'm going to need some kind of outlet in order to stay calm and collected.  I get that from running.  If you remember, running is what got me through the last couple of years of college last time, I can use it again as I go through college this time.  Not just that, but with my mind firing at 100,000 sparks a minute, it's a great way for me to organize and calm some of the activity.  

I'm really ready for me to turn over a new leaf and work on myself.  I have always put my kids, my family, my friends, and everyone else before myself.  I think it's about time that I started bringing some of the attention back on myself a little, while still trying to manage and juggle the "mommy" role.  I have a new fire burning inside of me that's craving change.  I need change, I need to break away from the monotony that is my life, and just break free.  Everything has been so structured and orderly for so long, that it's kind of wound me up in a way that I don't like.  I need to unwind.  This break has helped me barely brush the surface of what that feeling feels like, and I'm ready for more.  It's almost like I've snagged a little thread in my brain, just like a snag in a sweater.  Eventually, you get that need to start pulling at the snag, and you pull a little more, and finally it all starts to unravel.  That's kind of how I'm feeling right now.  I can feel the little snag in my brain, and I'm about ready to start unraveling.  Not in a bad way.  This isn't about stress or me being upset or anything like that.  It's about just starting over, making a change, bringing some excitement in to my life.

I have absolutely no idea what this year has in store for me, and I'm OK with that.  I don't think I've really ever felt that way in a long time.  I have no real plans, goals, or to-dos that need to be checked off the list.  I just want to go out each day and see what happens, what adventures lay in store, and overcome any obstacles that may be thrown my way.  

But, one thing I do know is that it's time for me to get ready for work...so, have a wonderful Monday, everyone!

Bring It, 2015!!

                                       

It's the third day of January, 2015.  Already three days in to the new year, and I could fill up an entire chapter of stuff that's happened over the past couple of days.  It's been a wild ride, and that's exactly what I wanted from my new year.

Growing up, my parents instilled a tradition in to me that I've held on to.  That tradition would be to start the new year as you mean to go on.  In a nutshell, that means that whatever you're doing at the stroke of midnight on January 1st, or in the close proximity to, is some indication of how your new year is going to play out.

Over the years, I've seen some truth to that.  I've had great years when I've celebrated the new year with friends and family, I've had pretty calm years the years I've been asleep before the ball dropped, and I've had pretty crappy years when I've been in tears or sad at that important moment.  It's just a superstition, sure, but there's nothing wrong with starting out the new year with some optimism or hopeful indication of what the year has in store.

This year, I celebrated the new year in a way I haven't for several years.  I was with my kids, minus Jelly because she was sick, and some very close friends.  I drank a little too much, I laughed until my sides hurt, and I just let everything go in that moment.  I let the control, the stress, the worry, and the bad habit of wanting to plan everything and anything and just let events play out.  

It was a rush, that's for sure.

It was the first year in several I wasn't with my parents on new years.  It was the first year in several years that I wasn't at home, watching the ball drop on the TV.  It was the first year in MANY years that I was with the people I was with.  And, it was also the first year in many, many years that I've felt so alive, so free, and so happy.  

I woke up on new years day with a calmness.  I can't really explain where it came from or what it meant, but a completely blank mind.  Nothing creeping in about what I needed to get done, what plans I needed to make, or what I had in store for the day.  I felt at ease, and it scared me, really.  I haven't felt that way since...well, I can't even remember the last time I felt that way.  I have no idea what has caused these feelings, but they are good feelings.  

I was given some very good advice during my new year celebrating, and that advice was that I had to let go, I had to stop worrying about what's to come, and just roll with the punches.  Those thoughts terrify me in a way I can't even describe.  Rolling with the punches just isn't what I do, it's not how I live.  I need structure, I need purpose, I need a plan.  Always have.  But, in that moment, I wondered what the harm would be in trying.  Why couldn't I be that kind of person?  Why couldn't I live more, plan later?  Is it so bad to not want to control every aspect of my life and hold my breath and wait for whatever comes my way?

Sure, there's a chance I could end up holding my breath a little too long.  There's a chance I could be smacked upside the head for letting go of the control, and realizing it's a huge mistake.  I could regret everything I thought and be left in a heaping pile of uncertainty and pain.  

But, if that were to happen, I just need to breath again.  Take back the control.  Put certainty back on the table.

For the past fifteen years, I've had one vision for my life:  Succeed.  Success has various definitions, and I wasn't really sure what my definition of the word meant, but I knew I had to accomplish it.  I had to prove the doubters wrong, I had to pick myself up from the middle of despair and heartbreak, I had to overcome the biggest of obstacles.. but I had to do it.  All of it.  In order to become the person that I am today.  And, for the most part, I've done exactly what I set out to do.  

I have amazing children, I have my dream job, I have financial stability, I have a home.  

I have success.

But, now, in this moment, I am uncertain of what the future has in store for me.  What's next?  What part of success do I still need to conquer?  And the answer is very simple:  I have no plan.  I have no idea what's next.  I have no idea what I still need to conquer.  And that's the moral to this entire blog... what's next is a completely blank page full of excitement, surprise, and spontaneity.

I have reached that moment in my life where all the plans have fallen in to place, and now it's time to start seeing what comes with each and every day.  My dreams, my desires, my passions are all a mystery... What is next to come?

I am scared.. heck, I'm terrified.  These feelings inside of me haven't been here in so long.  But, I'm willing to take the fear and use it to push me through.  Tackle whatever comes my way, ride it out, and hopefully that rush of adrenaline will kick in.  

Hopefully.

But, with all of this I just have this to say:  Bring It, 2015!! Give me what you got...whatever you've got. I'm ready to take it... head on.  

A new me has emerged, and I think I'm going to like her.  

Fingers crossed.

Have a great Saturday, everyone!!

Reversed Resolutions

                                       

We are a little over 12 hours away from the new year.  Some will be celebrating with family, some with close friends, others will go to bed at their regular time because it's just another day to them.  Not me. New Year's Eve is a celebration, and I plan on celebrating.  

The beginning of a new year is like a new chapter to a book.  Heck, it can sometimes be like starting a brand new book or a sequel.  The pages are still blank, waiting to be filled with good times and bad, laughter and sadness, hope and loss.  Once the words have been written, there's no taking them back, but a new year can bring about a way to make some changes to the story line, add a few new characters, and throw in some twists and turns.  

Every year for as long as I can remember, I have written about all the things I want to do in the new year.  Call them resolutions, if you will, but plans and goals are more like it.  Have I kept them?  Not always.  I've started out strong, but as the days go by, the goals and plans start to fade and I focus more on the here and now.  

This year, I thought I'd try something a little different.  Rather than making a list of all the things I'm going to do in the new year, I thought maybe it's time to write a list of the things I don't want to do.  Maybe focusing on the parts of my life that bring me down or cause me worries and eliminating them may bring about more success.  I know that I can't mess with fate.  What happens to me happens for a reason, I truly believe that.  The good stuff happens for a reason, the bad stuff happens for a reason, and no amount of planning or preparing can alter what each day brings.  There are no time machines, there are no do-overs.  I just have to accept the inevitable and take on each challenge as it arises.  But, there are some things that I can try and eliminate from my being, who I am and what I do, that can lead to bigger and better things for me and the people I care most about.

So...here goes...

1.  Don't sweat the small stuff

I have come to accept that my life is a string of to-do lists and calculated plans.  I maintain several calendars in order to keep up with how hectic life is, and all the obligations that I have to juggle.  That can often be very overwhelming, and can bring on a lot of unneeded stress.  In 2015, I want to get rid of that unneeded stress and let go of sweating the small stuff.  Things will get forgotten, plans will get cancelled, and I'll make some mistakes.  I want to be able to handle those situations with a quick "meh" and move on.  

2.  Let go of the "what if" statements

I'm guilty of being a bit of a worrier.  Often about those things that I have no control over.  I focus too much on the "what if" of certain situations.  To go right along with #1, I need to learn to let go of the what if statements, and just focus on whatever happens.  If I spend so much time trying to calculate the outcome, I'll have no time to enjoy the spontaneous moments and surprises that are awaiting me.  I can't control everything, and that's something I need to learn and accept.  Heck, I don't want to control everything... I actually like some excitement in my life.  So, goodbye What If.

3.  Pick my battles carefully

Everyone has heard the saying "pick your battles wisely".  I may be a little guilty of picking battles where there aren't any real battles to pick.  I find trouble where trouble doesn't need to be.  I dwell on situations that aren't really that important.  In 2015, I want to be more aware of the battles that I pick and pick a lot less of them.  Once again, situations out of my control need to stay that way.  I need to accept and realize that there are things I can't change, no matter how much I want them to.  I need to focus my energy on fighting for what truly matters and letting all the little stuff go.

4.  Remove the negativity

I consider myself to be quite an optimist.  I can often see the end result, or focus on an outcome that I want.  I'm a glass is half full kinda gal, and I love that about myself.  But, one thing I am guilty of is allowing negativity in when I'm around it too much.  Sometimes I see the good in everything, but spending a little time around others that don't share my vision can sometimes blur my vision and start corrupting it.  That needs to stop.  I may not be able to fill everyone else's glass, but I can stop others from draining mine.  I am a dreamer, a go-getter, someone that can see the end of the rainbow.  I don't want anyone interfering with those visions or taking them away from me.  Even bad days can have their use for learning lessons and allowing me to see the bigger picture.  I want to embrace all of those moments and not allow negative interferences to take me off track.  Sometimes being the one person that doesn't give up, doesn't lose sight of the end goal, or doesn't allow negativity to take over is the one person that can lift other people up when they need it the most.  I sure would like to be that person more, rather than someone that's easily influenced by negativity. 

5.  Don't look back

Finally, this year I don't want to focus so much on comparing my life to what it was a few weeks ago, a few months ago, or even years ago.  Those chapters have all been written and they have all shaped who I am today.  But, each and every day is a new beginning and I can't possibly try and make myself go back to a time in my life when everything seemed easier or when everything seemed to be how I wanted them to be.  I am not the girl I was back then.  I've changed, my life has changed, and I need to focus on who I am still becoming each day.  I am not set in stone, I am adaptable and changeable.  I am flexible and am willing to make adjustments where adjustments are due.  But, I can't ever go back to a girl I once was.  I have goals, I have dreams, I have aspirations.  Everything I have done in my life, everyone I have met, and everyone that still remains are in my life for a reason.  They have helped mold, shape, and create the person I have become.  But, moving forward I need to accept that I am going to continue to change, and I will always be evolving.  Sometimes clinging to the past can bring comfort or hope.  I sometimes yearn to go back to a past version of myself, yet that can never happen.  I am who I am, and I have to accept that.  If I'm not happy with something going on in my life, I need to have the courage to make the necessary changes, but I don't want to ever compare myself to who I once was.  I like who I am now, and I need to embrace her more.  Love me or leave me.  That's how it's going to be in 2015.

So, there you have it.  Some things I want to try and get rid of for 2015.  I have no way of knowing if I'll succeed in all of them, but it's nice to have a solid vision.  

This has been a fantastic year.  I am so happy with everything that has happened to me over the course of these past 12 months.  I truly hope that 2015 is just as great, if not better.

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!!  Ring in the new year with the ones you love, and start the new year how you plan to go on.

As 2015 Approaches....

I can't believe we're just two days away from 2015.  And I can't believe I haven't written a blog post since Christmas Day.  Time flies when you're having fun, I guess, and I've been having some of that.  At 3:30AM the day after Christmas, the kids and I loaded up the car and drove to Tennessee to visit Peanut's family.

The trip was bittersweet.  I love spending time with M and D, and they are now my family, which is why it's always so hard to say goodbye.  The kids had an absolute blast and they love their grandparents.  Butter and Jelly have made it perfectly clear that M and D are also their grandparents, and that's totally fine with me.  I am a firm believer in never having too much family.  Peanut got to spend some time with her dad, and that was good.  

The trip home was long and quiet.  Nobody really had much to say.  The only thing on all of our minds was when we get to go back again for another visit... which will be soon, I hope.

Now my mind is in New Year mode.  My hopes, my dreams, and my desires are all starting to surface in my brain, and it's got me in a very contemplative mode.  I'm also reflecting back on this year, and how wonderful it's been.  

I have so much to be happy about in terms of what's gone on this year.  So much has happened, and I've made some wonderful memories.  There have been good times and bad, but the good have far outnumbered the bad.  Trying to top this year will be pretty tough, but there are always a few goals I like to set for myself.  Not so much resolutions, more like aspirations for things I'd like to achieve or succeed in.

But regardless of what goals I try and set for myself, I only really have two goals I want to focus on.  The first is being happy.  I just want to be happy.  I want my family to be happy, my friends, my co-workers, my students, and me to just enjoy the year and take each stone as it is thrown.  I don't foresee any major changes happening in my life, but it would be nice to just continue on as this year has been going.  Reconnecting, recharging, and refueling myself.  

I want to be mentally prepared for anything that comes my way, and just roll with the punches.  It'll be a crazy busy year, I'm sure.  The kids will have their extra curricular activities, I have school, and work will keep me on my toes.  During the summer, I want the kids and me to have some fun and get out and explore.  We'll spend time with family, have some pool parties, and just enjoy each other.  

The other big focus I will have this year is my weight.  I don't care how many times I've said it, this weight is going to be gone by the time 2015 is over with.  I have managed to do something I don't think I've EVER been able to do over Christmas break, and that's lose weight.  I'm down another 10lbs this month, and it's going to keep coming off.  I don't care what comes my way, nothing is going to interfere with me getting to be that Hot Mama I have wanted to be for so long.  I hate the way I feel about myself, and that HAS to change.  2015 is going to be my year for it, I just know it.  I'm not getting any younger, and with every year that passes it gets harder and harder to lose the weight.  So, it has got to be this year.  I'm done putting it off...thinner me, here I come.

OK, I should really wrap this up.  I'm going out to eat lunch with Hope and Sanity today.  I can't wait!! I have so much to tell them, and I know they probably have plenty to share with me.  

Have a wonderful Tuesday, everyone!!