And We've Only Just Begun...To Live

Dear Diary...

If you've just read the title and are immediately taken to the Carpenters song - You're Welcome.  That song will now be stuck in your head all day long, like it was for me all day yesterday.  That wasn't enough to do it?  Well, then, don't let me take the opportunity away from you.  Have you ever really read the lyrics to this song?  No?  Why you must!

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun

Before the risin' sun, we fly
So many roads to choose
We'll start out walkin' and learn to run
And yes, we've just begun

Sharing horizons that are new to us
Watching the signs along the way
Talkin' it over, just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together

And when the evening comes, we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes, we've just begun

I'm not a big fan of the Carpenters.  My mother is, though, which meant I spent a lot of my childhood listening to their songs, and I now know most by heart.  I never thought, though, that there was a song more suited for my weight loss journey.  That just happens to be starting, again, today.

While out and about yesterday for my relaxing, rejuvenating day in Eureka Springs, this song kept popping up in my head.  It happened every time I thought about the new plan I'm going to be starting, every time I started thinking about as much as I'll be writing, journaling, and walking.  

While I was out, I bought some new clothes.  One thing I bought just happened to be a white skirt that has white lace trim.  White lace and promises?  I bought the clothes as motivation for when I lose some of the weight.  The skirt fits now, but it will look a lot better when I'm a little smaller.  It has the promise, along with the two dresses I bought, to make me look fantastic.

Every day that I wake up before the risin' sun, I'll be flying in to my Morning Pages and writing about whatever is on my mind.  I'll have many roads to chose.  I could chose to eat clean, drink lots of water, and take my 20 minute walk OR I could not.  I could start out my day with good intentions, and then veer off after something happens.  I could get through many days of doing exactly what I'm supposed to, and then have a day that brings it all crashing down.  

I'll start out walking and learn to run.  I know that I may start out strong, but have a few set-backs.  I know that this will be a learning process, one to take slowly - before being able to run with it.  I also know that I'll start out with meditative walks every day, and will eventually get the urge to start jogging and eventually running again.

I'll be sharing all the new horizons that are new to me with you.  The feeling I get from writing about my feelings rather than eating them.  The energy I'm starting to feel run through my veins after a day of great eating and drinking lots of water.  Watching for the signs of being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Talking it over with you, my Body Buddies. 

And as each evening comes, I can smile about the good choices I've made.  I'll take one day at a time, knowing I still have a long way to go - that's there's room to grow.  If I keep with it, start over whenever the need arises, not let myself fall.  For I've only just begun - but it's such an exciting beginning.

You see?  How freakin' perfect is that song?  As much as I always resented my mother for subjecting me to the droning of the Carpenters - I can now thank her.  There was something I was able to get out of all those years of torture.  I was able to bring myself to a theme song!  My theme song!

OK, so it's not upbeat and dramatic like most theme songs - but this song fits me.  It's absolutely perfect for the journey I'm about to embark on.  If you could have told me a few months ago that I'd discover a diet plan that calls for the power of writing versus eating, I would have told you that you were nutso.  But, here I am, about to do that very thing.

Even though today is day one, I wrote my first Morning Pages entry yesterday.  I've decided to create a journal just for that.  It is secret.  It is mine.  I can write about whatever the heck is on my mind.  I did it again, today, as soon as I got up.  And you know what?  It has made me feel so much more excited.  Each day, getting everything off my chest with some writing is so therapeutic.  I thought I was doing that here, but I realize that this blog is a lot more censored.  I can't always say what I want to say on here.  So, Morning Pages will happen first - and then I can think more clearly about what I have to say in my blog entries.

I have also found the writing journal I will use.  It's one I've been holding on to for a long time.  Just sitting there, collecting dust, screaming at me to write in it.  Well, now it will get its chance.  I'll be making my first entry in a few minutes when I eat my breakfast.  I will take it with me wherever I go.  I will write when I eat, what I eat, and how I feel when I eat.  I will write in it when I get the urge to eat, but it's not my regular time to eat.  I will write out the four questions that I need to ask myself before I let a snack attack get in my way.  I will write in it after my walks each afternoon, what I thought about and how it made me feel.  The journal will get lots of use, that's for sure.

In a couple of hours, I'll be seeing Sanity for some coffee.  I'm actually nervous to see her because it's been a few months since we've seen each other in person.  I've gained a lot of weight since then.  I know that she won't say anything - because she's awesome like that - but she's going to hear about it.  I'm recruiting her as one of my Body Buddies, too.  She's only a text message away whenever I need her - and I need to know that if I'm in a situation where I need to divert my attention away from food...and I've already wrote about it... I can send her a text and she'll respond with a good reason why I should forget the food.

So, I have all the tools I need to get going.  I know that I've said many times over the past few months about how I'm going to start over and actually do something about my forever creeping up weight - and then not - but this time, I truly feel different.  It's been a long time since I've felt this amount of excitement, motivation, and dedication.  The weight may not fly off me at a speedy rate, but it will come off.  I will start to see and feel the changes as long as I keep doing what I need to do.  I will be the woman I've always wanted to be... eventually.  I've only just begun, right?

Till next time. ;)

Becoming a "Plan B" Kinda Person

Dear Diary...

I'm back on my laptop this morning.  Not sure why, all of a sudden, my laptop internet started working again - but I'm guessing it's because it really wanted me to write this morning's post.  There's no other logical explanation - so we're going with my logic today.  That may be scary or good...guess we'll have to wait and see.

So, I've been doing some thinking.  Again, could be scary or good - depending on the outcome.  Sometimes my mind wanders in a thousand different directions, often unable to keep up with the thoughts and ideas that are going on.  That, my friends, is how stress happens.  I start thinking about something - innocently...a quick blip in my brain.  Then, I start dwelling on it.  I start manifesting more ideas or problems or make believe scenarios - that after thinking about them for so long, they start to become more and more real.  The thoughts, ideas, fears, scenarios all rewind and replay over and over - building more and more each time - until my head is ready to explode.  Along with my emotions.

That's how I end up in situations of binge eating and not exercising.  My brain gets so tangled up in the stress that the parts of the brain that is supposed to be watching how much I eat curls up in the fetal position, the part of the brain that is supposed to help me exercise is exhausted from the brain power going on, and the part of the brain that's supposed to keep me calm and collected looks me in the eyes and screams "ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?"  Not a good place for my poor brain to be in.

So, I said to myself: Self, how can we organize some of this stress?  How can we take my mind to a place that can handle the continued thoughts and scenarios and ideas that are all jumbled up in a big, heaping pile of mess?  And you know what Self said?  It's time to organize, my dear, and get some plans in place.  It's time to consider Plan Bs and Cs and even Ds and Es if we have to.

What a fantastic idea!  Self really surprises me sometimes.  Who'd have known she was so smart?

So, just like I do when I'm trying to organize my ever filling office - it's time to organizing my ever filling mind.  It's time to start making some organization sheets, back-up plans, to-do lists.  Whatever I can do to somehow organize the stress cesspool that is my head.

What does that mean?  Well, I'm going to take the things that stress me out the most and make some back-up plans.  I'm stressing right now about finding a job.  That leads to stressing about the weight I'm gaining because I'm eating from the stress from the job hunt.  That leads to stressing about not working out and burning off the excess calories I'm mindlessly consuming.  One thing leads to another.  I need to start making some alternate routes.  How can I get from point A to point B with a few optional routes?

It's time to fire up a Brain GPS.  Ew, I like that.  A Brain GPS - sounds fancy, doesn't it?

So - let's start with the job hunt.

Plan A - I find a teaching job in the next few weeks - all is well.
Plan B - I find a teaching job in the next few months - stress level will increase significantly between now and then.
Plan C - I don't find a teaching job this year, and I do what I'm doing for another year and hope that things work out next year - stress will be through the roof until my mind has settled on the fact that I'm not getting a teaching job for another year, which will be sometime in September or October.

Plan A sets my mind in to "calm" mode.  No need for alternate directions there - but B and C?  Yeah, they're going to be more tricky.  So, I have to align up other stress plans to help.

Food consumption...

Plan A - Go back to eating no carbs for a while, and really buckle down on eating clean.
Plan B - Limit my carb intake, focus on eating more fruits and veggies and less complex carbs, focus more on logging my food so that I'm more mindful about how much I'm eating each day.
Plan C - Give myself a day each week where I can stress eat whatever my heart desires.  Just one day where I can extinguish a few stress flames - and not completely expose my body to continual abuse and weight gain.

Now - you see how each of those worked?  As the stress gets higher from the first set of plans - I line up the second set of plans.  Plan A goes with Plan A, Plan B goes with Plan B, and so on.  They don't have to all align, either.  Right now, while my stress level is high, I may just opt for Plan C all the way through...until Plan A or B kicks in.  They are interchangeable.  I gave myself some wiggle room.

I know what you may be thinking - giving myself a day each week to eat whatever I want could be dangerous.  But is it really any more dangerous than what I'm doing now?  I'm mindlessly eating every single day.  The weight is going up and up at record pace.  If I limit myself to only one day to drown my sorrows - my bad eating is cut by 600%.  Yeah, I so did the math on this.  It's a lot better, believe me.

Last up.  Exercise...

Plan A - Go to the gym 4-5 days a week.
Plan B - Go to the gym 2-3 times a week, and go for a long walk or jog on the weekends
Plan C - Go to the gym 1-2 times a week for some strength training, but focus the rest of the week on walking and yoga.  Even if it's only walking for 15-30 minutes each day.

Again, the exercise gets a lot less vigorous with the increase of stress.  I know that's the complete opposite of what it should be.  The more stressed I get, the more exercise I should be doing.  I know that, but my body and brain don't necessarily agree.  The more stress I add to my plate, the less I want to work out.  It's plain and simple.  So, if I focus more on exercise that is less demanding, and more stress relieving, maybe...and I said maybe...my body will start to crave more - once it realizes how awesome it feels after the work-out. 

Right now, despite it being so early in the "job-hunting" stage, I'm probably going to go with Plan C for the next few weeks.  It makes sense to me.  I'm stressed out.  I'm going to focus on eating well Monday - Friday while I'm at work.  Then, Saturday will be my "free day".  It's the day that carries the highest likelihood that I'll eat out with my family or snack because I'm at home.  Sunday will be a day where I really pull out the destress exercise by going for a long walk.  At least 4 miles.  Then, maybe some yoga outside.  Sounds very calming, doesn't it?  Let's not think about the allergies - they're back to manageable state... I'm good to go.

Also, yesterday evening I went to the library.  The first time in years - but I picked up a book.  It's called The Writing Diet.  I have absolutely no idea how helpful it will be - but it totally got my interest.  The author claims to help people lose weight by writing.  Well, I love to write - so I'm going to see what she has to say.  Can't hurt, right?

So, there you have it.  This is what I'm going to try - now.  Hopefully it will work.  Something has to, right?  I got a really nice email yesterday that really brought all this on.  It's from a person that's really pulling for me to get a job.  She's been there with words of encouragement and support for the past couple of weeks that have really helped.  Yesterday, the message was simple.  It said:  Breathe!  And it was like BLAM, my mind starting racing with everything I've said today.  I do need to breathe.  I need to refocus, recharge, and rejuvenate.

I'm going to breathe.  I'm going to remain as calm as I can.  And I sure would appreciate you all sending me some positive ju-ju and energy vibes.  It's going to be a long summer - especially if I don't find a job - so I'm going to need all the support I can get.

Tomorrow, Hubby is whisking me away to the one place in the world that makes all my stress immediately dissipate on site.  The place where I can recharge and refocus.  It's a quaint, artsy town called Eureka Springs.  He knows what I need - that's fo'sure!

Till next time. ;)

Someone Throw Me a Freakin' Bone Here...Preferably with Chicken on It!

Dear Diary...

I know, I know.... I've been gone for two days.  I'm sorry.  Yes, I know you were worried.  Yes, I totally expect you think I've fallen completely off the wagon and I'm sitting - right this very second - among a pile of empty pizza boxes, chicken wing bones, candy wrappers, and soda cans.  Well, don't worry...it's not like that.  Not exactly.

This week has not, however, gone how I would have liked...and it's only Wednesday.  Being gone from here for the past two days has been very weird.  Not a weird I like - at all.  But, I needed a couple of days to get my bearings... my head was spinning so fast, I just couldn't concentrate.

Monday morning, IT began.  By IT, I mean the job hunt.  And, ever since Monday morning, I've had this knot in my stomach that feels like I have some kind of worm making its way through my intestines looking for a way out - and being that I haven't lost any weight.... I know it's not really a worm, but nerves and stress.  Already.

Both Monday and yesterday morning I sat in front of this computer sending out emails to principles.  I've sent out 20, 25...feels like 100.. emails.  With each email I sent out, I attached a slither of my hope.  I was kinda hoping that as emails started coming back, my hope would get a little refill.  But, alas, nothing yet.  I've had many replies - but the senders all forgot to attach the hope I was looking for.  That happens, though, attachments often get forgotten... so now I'm hoping that one or two or six of them will realize that the hope attachment was missing - and resend it.  But, as of right now, all of the emails I've received have been nice - but have also informed me of the fact that there just aren't any jobs available at the moment.  UGH!

My plan was to not let the stress get to me, and pound it out in the gym.  'Member?  That's what I said Sunday, I believe.  I wasn't going to let the stress get me down - and I was going to use it to motivate my hard work at the gym.  That's what I said.  Wanna know how many times I've been to the gym this week?  Zero! 

Monday, I totally forgot that Jelly had a dentist appointment after work.  That can't be helped - she has to get her teeth fixed.  No biggie, I told myself - I still had 4 days to make up for it.

Then, yesterday morning, I'm ready.  I get my gym bag ready.  I'm pumped to get back in the gym.  Then, Butter gets suspended from school.  Yep.  I said suspended.  As in, I had to take him home - and he can't go back today, either.  So, after I spent about 2 hours at the counselor's office with him, then get him home, go get Peanut and Jelly from school - I'm done.  As in stick a fork in me - I'm so done - I'm going home and forget the gym.

Could I have still gone to the gym?  Yes.  I could have.  Butter being suspended wasn't a prevention from my going to the gym - it was just another heaping of stress to feed the worm in my stomach...and I bailed.  At the moment when I probably needed the gym the most - I totally ran...with some minor screaming on the way.  That, my friends, is what you call a lame-o excuse.  I totally understand that.  Weakness got the better of me - and I'm not happy about it.

Today, I'm really going to the gym.  I mean it.  Unless I get a call from a principle asking me to go for an interview - nothing is going to stop me.  In which I might run to the school - so that would get my exercise in.  Even Butter's counselor told me yesterday how some serious working out would help tame the stress beast.  But, I already knew that.  He reconfirmed that getting in the gym more often is exactly what I need right now - or going out for a run.  Whatever I can do to burn off some energy.  He explained how I could end up not sleeping well because of my stress - which I know will start to happen soon - if last year is any indication of how this year will go.  I don't want that to happen - my sleep is too important to me.

My eating this week has been OK - not great, but not as bad as it was last week.  I may have eaten a couple of fun size pieces of chocolate - and a blueberry muffin.  Foods I should be avoiding, but a far cry from the junk I usually drown myself in when the going gets tough.

If the past two days are any indication - the next few weeks are going to be tough.  Really tough.  No matter how much I told myself I wasn't going to bring myself down with job-hunting stress - I realize that the stress is inevitable.  It will eat at me between now and...well...probably August, if I haven't found a teaching job by then.  Pretending it's not there, ignoring it, or letting it reign over me just aren't an option.  I've seen and learned what can happen if I try those techniques - they don't work.  I have to channel the stress - use it to my advantage.  I didn't say it would be easy.  If it were easy, then I wouldn't weigh close to 250lbs now, would I?  But, this is a rodeo I've ridden in before.  I was bucked off in 1.1 seconds the last time... now I'm going for the full 7 seconds.  I can't let the bull win...not again.

These first four months of the year that I was going to take back control just haven't gone the way I'd hoped.  I've ended up gaining weight instead of losing it - and I wasn't even stressed those first four months.  Last year, I lost quite a bit of weight the first four months...then started to gain.  Maybe I can turn things around this year.  Maybe this will be the year of opposite reactions.  2011 - I lost weight, then gained weight, then didn't find a teaching job.  Maybe... just maybe...2012 will be I gain weight, then I lose weight, then I do find a teaching job. 

I can't give up hope - it's just too early.  I'm only two days in to my job search.  I have to stay positive.  I have to fight.  I have to focus - and retrieve back my control.  I have no control on whether or not a principle will hire me - but I do have control on every other aspect of my stress.  I'm in the driver's seat - and I can show how dedicated I am by burning off this excess weight, pushing through the roadblocks, and coming out victorious. 

Ready, set..... GO!

Till next time. ;)

Embracing the Triggers...Even the Ones You Don't Like Talking About

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling much better this morning.  It was a rough day yesterday.  I had trouble keeping my eyes open for most of the day.  When I got home, I passed out on the couch for about 30 minutes before dinner.  After dinner, I started to feel a little better - more awake.  I ended up staying up until almost 10 - after watching Biggest Loser and reading another chapter in the book I'm reading.  Before I went to sleep, I decided to give myself a breathing treatment - and that really helped let me drift off to sleep quickly...and I stayed that way all night. 

Being sick - even if it is allergies - just takes every bit of strength out of my system.  Both physically and mentally.  I'm so hard on myself.  I haven't been to the gym this week.  I told myself that I wasn't going to allow any excuses - but I'm pretty sure that not being able to breath is a good excuse.  I hope?  I was literally wheezing and catching my breath just walking down the hallway at work yesterday. 

I have seasonal asthma, and it usually only really bothers me for a week or two each year.  It comes at the time that all the blossoms come out on the trees, and after we have all of the April showers.  Well, being that it rained the ENTIRE week last week - I'm in pollen grand central station right now.  I'm hoping it's just the shock to my system that's causing the asthma symptoms to happen so quickly and heavily and once my body adjusts a little - I'll be able to get back to my sneezy, watery eyed, but able to breath normally self. 

If dealing with my allergies and not being able to go to the gym wasn't enough - Aunt Flo also decided to show up yesterday.  You all know how much I love her, right?  Yep.  The evil witch is here, in full force.  When she comes she brings cravings, mood swings, and laziness - her closest friends - along for the visit.  If my allergies weren't making me lazy enough, Aunt Flo will be sure that she has a hand in completely keeping my behind on the couch for the five to seven days she's here. 

Laziness I can tolerate the most.  As long as I'm able to keep cravings and mood swings at bay.  And, well, come on... my track record shows how well that goes down.  It never fails that I start the excuse train each time AF is here - and I start cramming down the sweets, the salty, and then snapping anyone's head off that says a thing about it. 

Yesterday, she won.  I ate two cupcakes.  Not just one.  Two.  That were brought in for a child's birthday.  I could have stopped at one.  Heck, I could have gracefully declined all together - but no, I caved.  Needless to say, I went over my calorie intake by 345 calories yesterday giving me a grand total of 1815 calories consumed.

During my self loathing and self pity party that I threw myself last night, all I could think about was why I always let AF win - and how much I hated it when she's here.  Then, I remembered reading something in the Savor book about embracing the triggers.  My plan for helping overcome cravings was putting myself through a strict detox.  I was successful for the week I did the detox.  I told myself that I'd keep doing it - but a week off for spring break put the dampers on that.  Then, I told myself I'd pick up where I left off once going back to work.  Only two days in, and I'm talking about eating cupcakes - two days in a row.

I'm not going to quote the book word for word, but I remember reading that when I fight my triggers that set me in to an emotional eating frenzy - I end up losing.  The losing, or failure comes from the fact that I tell myself that it's the triggers that are making me eat.  It's the triggers that are causing my moments of weakness.  It's a cycle of excuses that I let my body go through.  The weakness is in the failure - or allowing myself to blame the triggers.  The only way to cope with the triggers is by embracing them.  Understanding that they'll always be there.  Learning to find ways to live with them without self destructing each time they appear.  If I continue to let AF be the excuse that I mindlessly eat when she's here - she'll always win.  Embracing her when she's here, and feeding my body healthy foods - that keep me energized and full - can alleviate some of the weakness I feel.

My mind was on a mission when I started the detox.  The mission was to eat mostly fruits and vegetables.  The mission was to keep sugar and white flour out of my system.  My mission was to test my palette with foods I wasn't accustomed to.  And the main mission?  To help overcome the cravings and overeating that happens whenever I get the slightest sniff of unhealthy food.

Yesterday, I really got to see how bad sugar affects me.  Instead of opting for my bowl of Kashi cereal for breakfast - I ate a granola bar.  Granola bars have sugar in them.  Real sugar.  A lot of it, too.  For the entire day after that, I was hungry.  Then I ate a Smart Ones lunch.  Low calories - but pasta as the main ingredient.  Can we say craving coma?  Not only had I eaten sugar, but then I followed it up with pasta.   No wonder by the time the birthday cupcake celebration came around - I was unable to control my urge to eat not one, but two cupcakes.  It wasn't Aunt Flo that did that to me - it was the sugar! 

So, I know I'm rambling on with all this and moving in about a thousand different directions.  What's the point of all this excuse banter?  Well, I have to embrace the fact that it's not AF that causes my time of the month self destruction.  It's the fact that I've got so used to having an "out" each time she's here.  I've created the excuse in my head.  I've personified the normal cycle a woman goes through each month.  I've given it this strange super power - as if it were a real person inside my head that arrives with a full suitcase and wants nothing more than to wreck havoc on my week.  Did you read the first part of this blog?  I call it Aunt Flo, for heaven's sake.  I referred to it as if it were a real person.. I did that!  And I really do have an Aunt Flo - and I'm sure she'd cringe after reading something as silly as this.

Each month, I have a period.  Period.  Yes, it messes with my hormones.  Yes, it causes bloating.  Yes, it's more than likely I'll retain water for a few days.  But that's it.  There's no little person inside of me demanding that I feed her cake and ice-cream and chips.  There's no evil Aunt that demands I do nothing more than sit on the couch.  I may feel moody - that will be the hormones.  I may get grouchy - that'll be the bloating causing my clothes to fit tighter.  But the urge to eat everything in sight?  That's all me.  That's me saying - "Hey! You have the perfect excuse to mindlessly eat yourself in to a sugar coma.  You can pretend that your period is making you do it!  Just make it sound like your period is an evil entity living inside of your head with some kind of crazy psycho mind control abilities, and no one will notice how crazy stupid it sounds."  It sounds stupid now, right?  But in reality, that's exactly what I've done for the past gazillion years since my period first started.

Today, the AF excuse will be embraced.  I'm going to embrace and accept the trigger.  It's going to arrive each month for probably the next twenty years.... I've just got to get used to it at some point.  I'm back on my detox - again.  There will be no more sugar or flour or pasta or bread entering my body for a while.  Probably a long while.  A week wasn't near long enough.  I want to get in to a size 16 by May 17th.  This eating plan can only help that goal.  This eating plan will help me stay energized so that (when I'm able to breath normally again) I can get back in to the gym and burn off tons of calories and help tone and shape my changing body. 

As my good friend, Jenn likes to say:  It's Day #1 Again!

Till next time. ;)

Good Bye Weigh In Wednesday!!

Dear Diary...

That's it.  I've made the decision.  I'm saying goodbye to the scale - for a month!  For the next four weeks, I'm ditching the weekly weigh-ins and letting my body have more time to adjust and lose some weight.  I won't weigh again until April 4th - which is 4 weeks from today.

So, what caused this sudden decision to be made?  The fact that I'm sick and tired of standing on the scale each week and seeing such a drastic gain...when I know it's inaccurate.  Last week, I weighed in at 241.6lbs.  That was after a loss of 2.8lbs from the week before.  This week?  I stand on the scale and see 244.6lbs.  A gain of 3lbs that is so absurd I can't even think straight.

Yes, I've made some poor food choices this week.  But I've also been logging everything I've eaten - and I know that I haven't eaten 10,500 calories OVER what my body is naturally burning and what I'm burning during my work-outs.  In fact, the past week, I've eaten a total of 13,569 calories - which averages around 1900 calories a day.  And that's not even considering any working out I did - like the almost 600 calories I burned on Sunday with my walk.  Yes, it's over my recommended intake - but not 3lbs worth. It's ridiculous.  But, of course, when I see that gain I immediately start freaking out and getting all upset.  You know what that leads to, right?  Ah ha.  More freakin' eating!

Not today, my friends!!  Yeah, I was pissed when I saw the number on the scale this morning - but I wasn't pissed at the number.  I was pissed at how inaccurate it was and how I was forcing stress upon myself by doing something like that.  I momentarily thought about replacing the scale with measurements.  I know that going by measurements is more accurate than using the scale.  But then I thought, well, what if I don't see a change in the measurements each week?  Won't that make me flip out just as much as I do when I see that stinkin' number on the scale each week?  Probably.  So, I'm not doing that either.

For the next four weeks, I'm going to be using nothing but counting calories, working out, and devoting myself to recognizing triggers and stress factors that cause me to eat - mindlessly.  That's the name of the game right now - mindless eating.  It's what my book is all about.  And until I can start controlling my urges, finding healthier ways to cope with stress, and identifying my triggers - I can't rely on the scale to provide the support I need to get me through.

I told you that this book is going to be mentioned - a lot - while I'm reading it.  I just love the fact of how it poses weight loss as a practice... like yoga, for example.  It's a guide to making my weight loss efforts a way of life.  Cleansing my body not only of the harmful toxins I pump in from junk food, but also the toxins I pump in to it with stress, anxiety, fear, and frustration.  It combines spiritual energy with physical energy.  And while I don't mean to come off sounding all Zen like - that's really how I have to look at it.  I have to be at peace with myself before I can ever get to the point where I'm at peace with losing weight - and doing the work to get there.

There's no doubt in my mind that the next four weeks will be tough.  I'm addicted to that damn scale just as much as I am the junk food.  It's become a nasty habit that will take some time for me to get over.  The scale just can't sit without being touched - it has to be put away...somewhere where I won't be constantly reminded or urged to stand on it.  But each time I get the urge, I just have to remind myself that I want to be surprised at the end of the four weeks.  I want to see more accurate results. I need to give my body more time to adjust.  I just have to remind myself that the waiting is worth it - and good things come to those that wait, right?

I will be continuing to put money in my Reward Jar each week that I work out at least 3 times and log my food each day. I earned another $5 this week for logging every single day.  On Wednesdays, I'll update how I did with my working out and logging - and then reward myself based on that.  It will be a very nice change to see some money going in to the jar and staying in the jar - without having to worry if I'm going to lose it based on my weight.

I'm going back to the gym today.  The first time in almost a week.  I want to do my circuit training.  I've had a lot of on my plate (no pun intended) the past couple of days that have prevented me from working out - but today I can make up for a little of that by really pushing myself this afternoon.  I have to remember that if I can't work out every single day - I better damn well make the most of it when I can.

Tomorrow, I'll be doing my Biggest Loser recap - and it will be full of some surprising information.  Some stuff happened last night that has made me reconsider some of my opinions.  Do I still think this season is terrible?  Yes.  But some things are starting to change.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday...That Involves a Celebrity!

Dear Diary...

I confess that this week past week as a whole has sucked compared to the week I had last week.  That's the first confession I want to throw out there.  But, as if you didn't already know that, right?

I confess that emotional eating took a toll on me yet again.  Thursday.  Friday.  And Saturday.  How much of a toll?  I hate to think...but I'm sure it's going to be a doozy what with Aunt Flo here on top of it all.

I confess that, if I'm being really honest - cause that's how I roll - I want to completely forget this week ever happened, lock it away forever, and only look back when I'm hitting a low point just so I can remind myself how crappy I felt - but then what I did to overcome it.

I confess that my walk on Sunday was A-MAZ-ING! 

I confess that my walk made me put some things in perspective.  Put some priorities in place.  And really made me rethink my whole game plan in terms of the way I'm living my life, and the prison my weight is keeping me in....that I totally plan to break free from.  Yes, there's going to be a prison break up in here!

I confess that I'm considering ditching the scale for a while.  The scale is a part of my sentence.  Each time I look at it, I feel chains around me.  I want to free myself from the stress the scale brings.  Just for a while.  It would mean giving up on the Biggest Loser competition at work - but it's not like I was going to win, anyway.  The final weigh-in is next week.  I'm still above the weight I started the competition...there's no chance in the world.  But, I'm still only considering ditching the scale. 

I confess that I have been reading my book and loving it.  It's full of so much information that speaks directly to me...and I can almost feel myself getting stronger and more determined with each word I read.  It's making me consider doing things I never thought I'd do, or things I'd never even considered doing. 

I confess that I was so excited about this happening yesterday...

Yep.  That's me and Biggest Loser season 10 winner Patrick House.  One of my heroes.  We are holding a pair of the pants he used to wear.  While I didn't have time to work out, I did make time to dash in to the gym, meet him, get a quick picture, and grab an autographed photo of him - that's personally made out to me. 

I confess that I felt very special when I introduced myself to him, and he knew who I was.  I've communicated with him a few times on the computer - and the wonderful guy actually responded.  That has to be one of the most flattering situations I've ever been in.  

I confess that since I met Patrick, all I've thought about are the questions I could have asked him.  My visit with him was so quick, I feel like I missed a great opportunity to pick his brain a little.  But, I don't want my meeting him to be something I associate with regret.  I got to meet him - that's all I wanted.

I confess that despite the rocky few days I've had this week, I don't regret any of them.  Really.  My book says that I need to embrace my moments of weakness so that I can find their root cause.  I think I did that.  Once I faced how stressed I was, I made myself work off some of that stress.  My mind was then clearer to come up with a way to help with some of the stress I was facing with the kids.  Sitting here every Tuesday and saying "I don't like the mistakes I made but I promise I won't do them again" was crap.  Obviously.  How many times have you heard that statement this year alone?  Setbacks and mistakes are going to happen.  Brushing them off and pledging not to repeat them gets me nowhere.  The only way I'm ever going to seriously make any changes is by facing my problems head on - and then looking for a solution.  I made a minor milestone this weekend with my walking and the chore list - but there's still a lot of demons that need to be set free.  I'll take one at a time, as they present themselves.  But one thing I can promise you - you'll never hear me say "I promise I won't do that again" again.  That load of bologna is gone - and now replaced with "Each time I have a set back, I will take the time to study that setback and look for the triggers, the causes, and healthier ways I can handle the situation for the future." 

How's that for a week's worth of confessions?

Till next time. ;)

Identifying the Root Causes of My Weight Problem

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling a little better this morning.  No, a lot better.  After yesterday's Nobody Likes Me Whaaa Pity Party, I had to get out of the house.  I had to get away from everything.  I hadn't felt so gloomy in such a long time - and I didn't like the way it made me feel, or react for that matter.  So, Hubby and I got the kids dressed and we went out for a while. 

I probably don't have to tell you what I did when I went out.  When I feel as crappy as I did yesterday - and its purely emotionally driven - there's one thing I seek.  Food.  Yes, I let my emotions drive me.  Yes, it's a terrible, terrible excuse.  But, for the first time in a long time I needed that food.  Not to ease my suffering, not to calm my nerves - I needed it to make me realize and smack myself in the face that this is a behavior pattern I. MUST. BREAK!  As soon as I was done eating, I felt sick.  Physically sick.  I didn't feel better, I felt ten times worse.  It wasn't guilt.  It wasn't the food cooked improperly.  It was my inner me screaming "THIS WILL NEVER MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, ONLY WORSE!"  So, I picked up the book I bought to help me out - and I started reading.

I got half way through the first chapter.  To the portion of the chapter that discusses finding the root of my weight problem.  I will say right now, that I'm not going to tell you everything about the book.  I'm pretty sure that's some kind of copy right violation.  What I will say, however, is that this portion of the book - finding my root cause - asks me to answer a TON of questions.  It tells me to write the questions down in a journal and answer them - honestly.  Well, this is my journal, so this is where I'm going to answer those questions... honestly.  Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules by copying the questions here.  If you plan on reading them, and my responses - I apologize in advance...this is going to be one LONG post.

Do you have parents with weight problems?
Yes.  My mom has struggled with her weight just as long as I have.  She was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago.  She managed to lose enough weight to control her diabetes with food and exercise.  Then, she gained some of the weight back and is still struggling.  My dad had always suffered from major heartburn issues, that ended up causing him to have a surgery to help.  That surgery prevents him from eating certain foods, he has to eat much slower.  He's managed to lose some weight because of it - a lot, actually - but it was his eating habits that earned him the surgery in the first place.

Do you drink too much sugary soda?
No.  I hardly ever drink soda.  I may have a Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Cherry Pepsi once every few days, or once a week, but that's about it.

Do you get less than 30 minutes of exercise or physical activity each day?
I work in an environment that has me up on my feet and walking around the building most of the day - but unless I go to the gym or go out for a jog, I don't really get my 30 minutes each day.  I'm working on it - but I still have more days a week that has less activity than those days I make myself exercise.

Do you watch more than 1 hour of TV a day?
Yes.  During the week, 6pm till bedtime (around 9) is TV time.  On the weekends, it's about the same - but then I'm sitting in front of the computer just as long as I sit in front of the TV.

Do you get enough sleep?
For the most part, yes.  I try to get 7 hours of sleep each night.  I go to bed at 9 and get up at 4.  I sleep a little longer on the weekends.

Do you eat mindlessly?
Oh, yes.  This one really needs no explanation.  I eat for all emotions, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm watching TV.  Mindless eating is my biggest hurdle, that's for sure.

Do you live or work in an environment that makes it difficult to eat healthfully and keep moving?
I try not to live in that environment.  I've tried to adjust the family's mindset in what foods are brought in to the house and eaten.  Work?  Yes.  There's always some sweet treat or luncheon or something going on in the break room that tempts me.  A teacher's lounge can be a smorgasbord of temptation and mindless eating.

Those are the main questions, then there are these questions that are meant to help me identify deeper root causes....these questions take up a whole page in the book.  There are a ton of them.  They are probably the most important of all the questions.  I have to answer them, so I understand if you want to skip this...

How do you feel about your weight?
Well, I hate it.  I want it to be at a healthy range.  I want to feel better about the way I look and feel.

Is having a healthy weight a high priority in your life that's worth your time and energy to address?
YES!

Do you have enough concentration to focus on your weight problem, your poor eating habits, and your sedentary lifestyle?
I do.  I just need some guidance and help keeping me concentrating on it.

What is distracting you from your focus?
Stress.  That's probably my main distraction.  Stress with focusing on wanting a teaching job so bad.  Stress with dealing with the issues with Butter.  Yes.  Definitely stress.

Do you feel that you are doomed to be overweight and it does not matter how hard you try?
Sometimes.  There have been days and weeks where I feel like I have my mind on the prize - and then one small, insignificant event takes place that has me messing up or sabotaging myself.  I have often thought that I'll never get it, I'll never succeed.

Do you eat just to feel better, if only for a short time?
Yes.  Constantly.  It's no surprise, but food is my drug.  I find myself often looking for the next "quick fix", even if I know full well that I'll regret the decision later.

Are you eating before you go to bed because you are tired? Are you attached to certain unhealthy foods late at night? Why? What triggers you to eat just a little while after finishing your meal?
It's possible I eat before bed because I'm tired, I never really thought about that before.  I am attached to sweeter foods in the evenings - cookies, chocolate, ice-cream.  I don't know why, again I've never really sat down and thought about it.  I just get an urge for something sweet in the evening - and if it's available to eat, I eat it.  I account boredom to eating shortly after finishing a meal.  If I'm just sitting and watching TV, I often get the urge to snack. 

Are you using food to fill an emotional void, relieve loneliness, or cope with your anxiety, fears, or stress?
Yes.  Yes.  And yes!


Do you continue to eat when you are full, and how does this make you feel?
I do continue to eat, sometimes, when I'm full.  I do it because it was kind of how I was conditioned.  I was always taught that I should clear my plate during a meal and to not waste food.  Often it makes me feel tired, lethargic, and uncomfortable.  I know it's something I need to get over - but sometimes I don't even realize how full I am until my plate has been cleared.

Is overeating a Band-Aid to cover up another type of pain?  Are you trying to feed an emotional hunger?  Are you using food as a crutch?  Do you use food to ward off the painful, heart-wrenching feelings that you have buried deep in your heart?
I had never really thought about this until my last visit with Butter's therapist.  I knew that I used eating to handle stress, but had never considered that I used food to cope with feelings I've buried or tried to forget about.  I haven't yet been able to identify these deep, painful feelings.  I assume that they are probably triggered to the horrific relationship I had with Butter's bio-father.  As much as I've convinced myself that he's behind me, and the pain and agony that man caused me is long gone - my eating may suggest otherwise.  Maybe now the surface has been scratched for me to dig deep and unleash the feelings I've been hiding and trying to forget for years - it's brought about the sad feelings I've felt the past couple of days.  Back then, I was told over and over that nobody liked me, nobody cared about me.  So, when I feel that way - I eat.  I was told I was weak, ugly, useless - and that I'd never account for anything or do anything with my life.  When I stress about not finding a teaching job - I eat.  One of my biggest fears is that Butter turns out like him, so when I see similarities or behaviors that remind me of that man - I eat.  Wow - seeing it in black and white for the first time...it hurts, but also feels freeing somehow.

Now that I've answered the questions about the emotions surrounding my mindless eating, the next set of questions focus on some other miscellaneous factors....

Where do you get your information?  From a credible source?  Or from magazines, TV shows, or advertisements that sensationalize results and make promises they can't fill?
I've had my experience with fad diets and magic pills - and didn't like any of them.  I try to do my research, but I stick to the mentality that I'll lose weight if I eat less and exercise more.  As much as I tried to fight it, I've come to terms with how important it is to keep track of the calories I'm consuming, and the amount I'm burning when I work out. 

Do you find yourself being affected by food commercials on TV or in magazine advertising?
Not really.  I mean, I've seen commercials and thought "wow, that looks good" but not enough to where I run out and buy whatever it is.

Have you been the victim of countless diet books that have led you to lose confidence in your ability to reach a healthy weight?
Yes and no.  I have several dieting books, but once I start hearing about the restrictions or limits the certain plan requires - I usually shy away.  At the end of the day, the dieting books I have read all say the same thing:  You have to eat less and exercise more.  I just don't like being told that certain foods are off limits, or I have to partake in crazy amounts of exercise.  My body just doesn't function well with those types of restrictions or expectations. 

Do you have a preexisting health condition that prevents you from exercising?  If you do, did you seek out the advice of a professional to help you find appropriate physical activities that you can do on a daily basis?
I have very bad knees - hardly any cartilage left in either of them.  I was instructed back in 2010, when I first started exercising for the first time in years, that I had to be careful.  My doctor instructed me that if I lost weight, my knees wouldn't hurt so much.  Yet, if I pushed my knees too hard, I'd end up with more problems.  I was advised to take it slow - walking, light weight training, etc.  Once I built up more endurance and strength, I would be able to accomplish more.  And that was true.  I got to be able to jog for 3 miles at a time and felt absolutely no discomfort while exercising.  Now that a lot of the weight is back, I feel the discomfort again - which means I have to lose the weight again.

Lastly....listen to your heart.  What are your inner longings?  How are you going to fulfill these longings?  Do your self-talk, beliefs, or interactions with others hinder you from maintaining healthy eating and active living?  Are you your own worst enemy?  Have you put time and effort into healthy eating and active living?  Why or why not?
My inner longings are to be at a healthy weight, be able to run for miles, feel confident in who I am and with my appearance.  I try to surround myself with people and things that remind me how important my healthy eating and active living is.  But I am my own worst enemy.  I am the one that self-sabotages.  I am the one that strays from the focus for silly reasons.  I tell myself that I'm going to put in the time and effort, but I fail more than I succeed.  Why?  Because I need to work on freeing myself from the excuses, freeing myself from the emotions....and driving myself until I succeed.

Answering those questions has definitely opened my eyes.  Will all my problems now be over?  Of course not.  But, just as a drug addict takes the first step by admitting they have a problem - I, too, have taken that first step.  Now it's up to me to start working on those problems.  The road will be long.  The journey will be hard. 

I had a great week, last week.  The success I felt is what I want to feel every single day.  I am the only one that can make that happen.  I am going to keep reading this book, following the advice...and hopefully, good things are going to come my way. 

First step?  I'm going for a run.  Right now.

Till next time. ;)