Let's Talk About Self Esteem... Or Lack Thereof

                                               

Self Esteem: Noun.  Confidence in one's own worth or abilities.  

For many years, I had a problem with self-esteem.  I worried about the way I looked, compared myself to others, and thought that I needed to change myself in order to fit the ideals of others.  I have often told myself that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or strong enough to do certain things or travel in certain directions.  I was my own worst enemy.  I would talk myself down, back away, and give up extremely quickly because I just didn't think I was able to compete with the world outside of me.

But what I realized is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me.  Or should I say, how others think of me shouldn't affect who I am.  I do care what people think of me, that I'll never change I guess, but it's having the strength to accept their opinions and not letting it get me down.  That's the part I've been working hard on for many years.  And I also realized that backing down got me nowhere.  If  I didn't work hard, fight, and stay strong, I'd never have accomplished anything.

Recently, my self-esteem has been called in to question.  Some people think that I must be dealing with some serious self-esteem issues to go through what I've been going through, and putting up with what I've been putting up with.  So, I thought it would be a good time to respond to some of those thoughts and worries right here, right now.

The definition of self-esteem is to have confidence in one's own worth and abilities.  I believe I am worth something.  Actually, I believe I'm worth quite a bit.  My actions speak volumes to the kind of person that I am.  I believe that to truly value my own worth, I must stand my ground, speak my mind, and accept who I am both good and bad.  I am not perfect.  I have flaws.  I accept that.  I do things I'm not proud of, sometimes, but who doesn't?  

I am very confident in my abilities.  When I set my mind to something, I don't give up.  I fight for what I believe in.  I have had many chances to quit, give up, and crumble, but I don't.  I come back swinging every time, no matter how hard the situation may be.  I am motivated when someone tells me I can't do something, and it fuels me when I'm told that I'm in over my head.  My confidence in my abilities stems from the fact that I've had many challenges in my life, and how I handled those challenges made me who I am.  I don't blame others for my downfalls.  When I fail, it's because I did something wrong.  I don't look for the nearest scapegoat to pin it on.  And accepting my failures as well as my successes is a strong part of being confident in my abilities.  Because when I do fail, I look at how I can move on, fix the problem, and succeed the next time.

I am a very strong willed person who doesn't give up.  Period.  

That has nothing to do with my self-esteem.  The way I allow myself to be treated and the stuff I go through doesn't speak anything about my self-esteem, but to the self-esteem of those that treat me that way.  I don't do what I do because I hate myself or don't think I'm worthy of better.  I do what I do because there are some people out there that don't understand their own worth, and need someone in their corner helping them believe that they are better than they think.  That they deserve better than they think.  That they can be happy, no matter how much they don't think they should be.

Over the course of the past month, I have put up with stuff that would make anyone crumble in to a million pieces or turn away without a second thought of looking back.  And, I have felt those things.  I've crumbled, I've been torn down, I've considered almost on a daily basis to just walk away and never look back.  But, each time I get one of those feelings, I remember that I am strong enough to handle it.  That it's not me that I'm doing it for.  If I give up, then I'm just like the rest that have turned their backs and walked away.  

Do I deserve to be treated the way I have been?  No, I don't.  I have gone above and beyond to prove that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm in it for the long haul, but sometimes the walls are so thick around a person that they will give out beating after beating to keep people from getting in.

The situations that have arose in the past week have tested me almost to my breaking point.  I've never been so ready to walk away, give up, and just throw in the towel.  The tests have been harsh, cruel almost.  But, the tests are intensifying because I have stood strong through all the others.  But what has helped me stay strong is the fact that I've been told what I needed to hear.  Nobody else has ever or will ever be me.  Nobody will ever take my place, no matter what they believe.  Nobody else will ever understand as well, care as much, or give as much hope as I give.

No matter how much I am pushed away, I always come back.  Always.  

Not because I have self-esteem issues and don't know when to let go, but because I am loyal and committed to being there.  

I have had my moments of weakness, don't get me wrong.  But, each time I walk away, I'm always pulled back.  And that means something.  I've been pushed to my limits, but still find the strength to return.  I have began to lose hope, and then told how much I mean and how important that I am which refills the hope meter.  

Like I said yesterday, I'm not competing for anything.  I'm not trying to prove my worth at the sake of my self-esteem or trying to be there when I'm not wanted.  If I wasn't wanted, I would have been gone a long time ago.  I have tried to walk away, I have tried to give up, but I'm not the one to stop that from happening.  I am the one that has been called back each time.  Because I know how much I'm needed, and I'm not about to turn my back on that.  

So, there you go.  I am not worried about my self-esteem.  I know what I've gotten myself in to, and I'm prepared to stick with it.  Not for me.  This isn't about me.  But, when someone I truly care about needs me, I'm going to be there.  People will come, people will go... but I am the constant.  

Have a great day, everyone!