I'm Still Alive

Note to self:  Do not take two days away from blogging without giving some prior notice or explanation before doing so.

Because if I don't, people will get upset when they start emailing out of concern just to find out that I decided to take a couple of days to sleep in rather than get up and blog.

And to those of you that were concerned and noticed....thanks.  It meant a lot to get your emails and messages, even though some of you weren't so happy when you found out why I hadn't been writing.

Yeah, I just decided to take a couple of days off...just so that I could sleep in rather than getting up at 4:30AM.  I needed the sleep.  I needed the time off.  I needed a break.  Not because I'm getting tired of writing or running out of stuff to write about, but I wanted some time to process....some time to take a step back and internalize what I want to write versus what I should write.  My daily posts were becoming a little narrow minded, one focused...boring.  I was writing for the sake of writing rather than the desire to write.  I just had to get words on the page because it was my routine.  Not because I wanted to write or felt like I had something to say.

So, I decided to upset that routine a little...just to see how I felt.  

Honestly?  I felt great.  Getting to sleep in an extra hour did my body good.  But, by the time I left for work, I noticed I started getting a little niggling feeling.  Something wasn't right.  Something was missing.  And then, throughout the day, I found myself thinking about what I could write about on my blog.  What I should cover when I started writing again.

This morning, I hit the snooze button a few times, but found that I had to get up.  I couldn't go another day without writing...this time because I wanted to write rather than it being the routine.  And what I have to say isn't necessarily interesting, but I wanted to write.  I wanted to say something.  I needed to get some words down and out.

These past couple of days have been busy.  Jelly got sent home from school on Tuesday because she wasn't feeling well.  Before Hubby could get there to pick her up, she threw up in the school office.  Then again on the drive home.  Unfortunately for Hubby, he's the kind of person that can't handle puke.  So, it was a tough drive home for him after Jelly had upchucked all over herself and the car seat.  He managed to get her home, striped off, cleaned up, and in bed without too many problems, though.

Then, Butter went back to school for a day, and had an extremely tough day.  Being without his pain medicine was just too much, and the OTC pain pills he was suggested to take wasn't cutting it AT ALL.  He ended up in tears on our drive home, telling me how much pain he was in.  To make matters worse, he ended up getting sick that night.  I'm not sure if it was Jelly's crud he had or nerves or pain or stress from his fracture...but he had to stay home again yesterday.  That's five days of school missed in six days.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, because I'm taking weight loss pills and have to be monitored every 30 days.  The doctor took one look at my progress over the last month and asked straight away if the past month had been stressful.  

Well, let's see.  I have spent the past month being gone more than I've been home.  I've spent entire weeks coming home after 10PM and surviving on 3-4 hours of sleep each of those nights.  Because of all the late nights, I had to bring tons of work home with me on the weekends and then spend my weekends doing the work.  Traveling almost every night has put a major strain on my gas budget, causing me to dip in to other areas of the budget, which in turn put a big strain on our financial situation.  The shower in our bathroom broke, putting us down to 5 people using the same shower, and that was followed up with a MAJOR water leak under the house.  The leak didn't really affect me, but Hubby had to take care of it, and then I had to spend the next several days listening to him complain constantly about how tired he was from doing that work...all the while me thinking he should really shut his mouth because I've gone an entire month working my behind off, getting very little sleep, and spending all of my free time catching up and I never complained about it.  He works at night, but then he gets to sleep all day long if he so chooses, and he has the house completely to himself until 10PM when he goes back to work.  A few hours of digging in mud and replacing a water pipe is the last thing I want to hear him complain about.  Then throw in a child that broke a bone, requiring a lot of extra care and concern from me.. because no matter what I do, I can't take the pain away.  Finished up nicely with my youngest getting sick, and having to miss a day and a half of school.

Stressful?  Hmmmm...you think?

The drive back from the doctor's office did make me think about how crazy this past month has been. And I think I've handled it like a champ.  I didn't whine and cry about it constantly...other than on here. I did what I had to do.  I got it done.  I sacrificed my time to make sure those around me were happy, even if it meant that my needs weren't met.  And I know some will say that it's my own fault.  I brought on a lot of that stress just by being that busy, letting my kids play sports, having too much on my plate at once... but I'm not complaining about it.  I'm happy they got to do it.  I was willing to do what I did.  I'd do it all over again if I had to...and I will once the next sport season comes around that both kids are interested in.

Sure, my house is in disarray from the lack of care I've had to show it from being so busy.  I have felt pulled in a million and one directions.  I have sacrificed time seeing Hubby.  I have drained every last drop out of my checking account.   But, that time is over now.  Life can start to get back to some form of normalcy.  I'll be just fine.

And, I can also get back to writing about other stuff than stress and lack of sleep.  

Starting tomorrow.  HA!  

OK, it's field trip day for me, so I better get to getting ready.

I Need More Time!!

                        

I so know how that woman feels in the picture.  Except instead of surrounding myself in blank post-it notes, I'm completely buried in notes, and deadlines, and to-do lists, and stacks of paperwork.  And it just seems like the piles get bigger and bigger by the day. 

There's just never enough time to even make a dent in the work that continues to pile up around me.

I think it should become a law that teachers get one day every couple of weeks to just spend in their rooms organizing, planning, and catching up on all the paperwork.  An entire day.  A professional development day that's actually focused on developing the professional organization of the classroom. No meetings.  No workshops.  Just closed classroom doors, teachers locked inside, wading through everything that's expected of them when there's just not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

That would be nice.

It'll never happen, but one can dream.

Just imagine how much better the classroom environment would be if a teacher got an entire day every so often to get caught up.  Follow through on some of those wonderful ideas that sit on a virtual pin-board waiting to come to life.  Declutter all the paper and stuff that accumulates.  Organize and plan for all those wonderful projects that want to be done, but never come to light because there's too much front work involved to get them off the ground.

And it's always the day before I have a substitute teacher that gets me all panicked and frazzled about how much I have to do.

Teaching is the one and only profession I can think of in which more work has to be done in order to miss a day of work.  Planning for a sub is stressful.  It's time consuming.  It's just hard.  Most teachers would much rather go to work sick or never take personal days or even attend workshops on the weekend just to avoid planning for a sub.  OK, I don't know about the weekend workshop thing.  But definitely go to work sick and miss out on personal days.  It's just too much hassle preparing for a sub...and I am one person that HATES missing work as it is, let alone when I have no control over the situation.

Tomorrow, I along with my entire team, are attending a Common Core training session.  I have one tomorrow and again next Tuesday.  Two sub days in less than a week.  Talk about stressful!  Let's not even mention the fact that I have a crammed full after school schedule this week...and I haven't done anything to prepare for the sub tomorrow.

I'm supposed to have a doctor's appointment tonight.  That's going to have to be rescheduled.  There's no way I'm going to be able to get everything ready for a sub AND leave right after school to go to a doctor's appointment.  

This weekend, I had originally planned on having a completely free weekend.  No work.  No plans.  Just a weekend to relax and recuperate.  But, I'm starting to think that this weekend would be a PERFECT opportunity for me to spend in my classroom.  I can't stand the junk that's piled up on my desk.  The piles of papers.  The stacks of stuff.  Just one day where I can file, and get everything all organized would be wonderful.  

I'm a person that likes order.  I like being able to find stuff when I need it.  I like for everything to be in a neat binder, so it's only a few flicks of a page away from me.  The past few days, it feels like I've spent way too long looking for that one thing I need.  

Parent teacher conferences are coming up very soon, and the last thing I want is for parents to walk in to my classroom and see the disarray that is currently taking hold.  They'll wonder how on earth I can teach their children with so much clutter and mess surrounding me.  How on earth can I sit across from them and discuss how unorganized their children are when it comes to finding their work, when I'm speaking to them surrounded in my own unorganized mess?

I won't.

I refuse to.

So, I have to decide whether giving up a Saturday to take care of it is worth it.  And it is.  I think that a day in my classroom with nothing else but some relaxing music playing would be very therapeutic.  A relaxation strategy in it's own right.  It may not involve my couch, the TV, or a nap.  But, it will help destress my mind.  Clear away some of my worries.  Help my classroom life become more calm and clear.

But, who has time to think about the weekend already?  It's only Wednesday.  There's still three full days to get through...one of which I won't even be there.  

Right now, I just need to focus on getting through today.  Taking care of the sub plans, making sure she has everything she needs for tomorrow...and that I'm not forgetting anything.  

I know I'll get it done.  I know it'll be fine.  But, it doesn't help shake the panic and frenzy I get myself in to on days like this.

Time to breath.  

Everything will be OK.

I'll get through.

I always do.

And....it's time to go get ready for work. 

Have an awesome Wednesday!!

This Tourist is Ready for a Vacation!!

Yesterday was Day 2 of Homecoming Spirit Week, and the theme was Tourist Tuesday.

And guess what I didn't do?  

Yep.  Get a picture of myself.  Totally forgot until I was driving home last night.

Don't be too disappointed.  My dress-up consisted of jean capris, a t-shirt, a hat, sunglasses, and flip flops.  That's it.  Nothing that special at all, really.

Because when I think about going on vacation, that's basically all I wear.  

Ah, vacation.  Wouldn't that be nice?  And yesterday was a day I could have really used one.  

I spent most of my day, yesterday, wearing my heart on my sleeve...and almost breaking in to tears more times than I care to mention.  Which is totally NOT me.  I'm not a very emotional person, so when I'm on the verge of tears...there has to be something major causing it.

The major was lack of sleep, served with a pairing of monthly hormones, with a side of stress.

Fun.  Not.

I've been going pretty much non-stop these past few weeks, with very little down time.  This past weekend was a major strain on my relax time being that Saturday I was up and out by 6:30AM, and then the past two days I haven't been home before 9PM.  

Couple that with those pesky monthly hormones that are visiting me right now.

And then throw in the fact that I'm super stressed with some demands that have been put on me this year in my classroom, that I'm trying everything in my power to stay on top of...but feel like I'm failing.  Miserably.

It all got to be so much that I finally broke down.  Got to that place where I'd just had enough... and when that happens, my mouth starts a flappin' and I'm going to pop off stuff I don't mean or throw my frustrations in the wrong direction.

Thankfully, though, I work with a bunch of people that have come to know me well enough to realize that when my mouth starts going, and tears start springing to my eyes... it's time for an intervention.  Cause I don't just do that kinda stuff willy nilly.  It has to be pretty major or pretty pent up for it to get to that level.

And I wasn't shocked when I saw the email in my inbox yesterday afternoon from Mrs. P asking for me to go and see her.

I don't know why, but anytime I receive an email like that from my principal, I get that "oh no, I'm in trouble" feeling.  Which is very stupid...because I've never received an email like that and actually been in trouble.  If anything, I should be to the point of understanding that when I do receive an email of that nature that it's just a "time for an intervention" email, or "I just have a quick question for you" email.  Because that's what they usually are.

Yesterday's email was of the intervention kind.

After school, I went to see Mrs. P.  And it took a lot to hold back the tears that I'd wanted to let out all day...and actually did let out a couple of times away from co-workers.  And she did what she always does - made me feel better.  

I walked in ready to rip my hair out.  I left thinking "I can do this, I've got this.  I'm a person that loves a challenge...and I am ready to stand up to it".  It always helps when Mrs. P throws in a few compliments and words of encouragement.

In a way, she's my coach.  Waiting on the sidelines, watching me make my plays.  She's ready to correct me when I need correcting, provide ideas when I need ideas, and just give me a friendly pat on the backside when I just need to hear some kudos.  And regardless which one she's doing, she never fails at reminding me that I'm a strong player on the team.  A player that's needed, plays a hard game, and NEVER quits.

All day, yesterday, I made an agreement with myself that once school was out I would lock my classroom door and just let it all out.  Cry.  Sob.  Release the pent up frustration.  

But, after leaving her office, I didn't have to do that.  Instead, it was back to my class and to my mentor teacher (my other coach) for play strategies and a game plan.

Wow, can you tell I've got football on the brain this week?  HA!

Today, I feel much better...and I'm ready to put some new ideas in to effect.  I'm ready to start taking a different look at the challenges I've been dealing with and face them head on.  No more crying.  No more getting all stressed out.  I was reminded yesterday that I was the one to ask for these challenges in the first place...and sometimes you just have to be careful what you wish for.

But, they're right.  I kinda sorta did ask for these challenges, so it's only right that I stand up and do what I totally intend on doing.  I truly believe I can work miracles and change the lives of 25 kids.  Nobody gets left behind.  Nobody gets to slip through the cracks.  Nobody gets to slack off in my room and feed me excuses that they "can't".  "Can't" is a word I've banned in my room... so I darned well better apply that to myself!

It's fitting that with my newfound confidence comes Wacky Wednesday.  Dress up as Wacky as possible.

I'm less than 5 minutes away from starting that process...and I have no idea what that process is going to end up like.  But, I PROMISE to get pictures today.  I'm sure they're going to be awesome.  HA!

Alright, time to go...

Have an AWESOME Wednesday...and may it be just a little Wacky, or a lot Wacky if you're lucky enough to work where I do.  

Goodbye, Mrs. Krabby

Yesterday was a rough day.  A really rough day.

I have lots of rough days, but for the most part... I can deal with them, and they don't affect my mood. 

Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

A few minutes after finishing up yesterday's blog, Jelly came outside...crying.  She told me her stomach really hurt and she had diarrhea.  Awesome!  Poor baby.  She felt pretty warm, and I figured I had some quick decisions to make to figure out how I was going to get to work, with Jelly having to stay home.

Thankfully, Hubby drove in to the driveway just a few moments later.  Phew.  Even though I haven't seen him all week, that wasn't why I was so happy to see him at that moment.  I was happy because I didn't have to worry about getting to work, and I knew she'd be taken care of without me.

So, I got Jelly nestled comfortably on the couch with her favorite TV show...and left for my day.

And just to make myself perfectly clear...I wasn't just worried about having to miss work.  I would love to stay home with my kiddos when they are sick.  But, the truth is, I absolutely HATE missing work.  It's one of the reasons I'm so happy that Hubby works 3rd shift.  So, I don't have to worry about deciding whether to miss work.  I always hate it when my kids are sick, because I know that they all want Momma around to make them feel better.  But, he's just as good at doing the job as I am.  It takes a load off of my mind knowing that she's with him if I can't be there.

Anywho, I am able to leave and get to work.

I was exhausted.  No doubt about that.  As I was driving to work it hit me that the last time I saw Hubby was last Sunday.  It hit me that I've only been home long enough each day since last Sunday to sleep for a couple of hours, and then it was up and out again. It hit me that I've been so busy with games and running off after work that my classroom had been turned in to a wreck site...and it all just filled up my stress meter.

To make matters worse, my kiddos were super charged with Friday Fever.  They came bustling in to the room, and were super loud.  I got them quiet, and started our math... but the math time really did a number on me.  One thing I really have to work on with my students is their organization.  

On the first day of school, they were all given folders to keep their work in.  A math folder.  A reading folder.  A social studies and science folder.  And a homework folder.  Should be pretty easy to keep stuff organized, right?  Urm...no.  What I've learned is that it's much easier for them to shove a paper in to the first folder that's available.  And then, when it's time to pull out a paper, most of them can't find it because they have no idea which folder it's in.  I decided to spend the first few minutes of math trying to get them more organized... but it was a disaster.  It just ended up getting me frustrated and cranky.

I just told myself to let it go, and try and get as much math in as possible in the short amount of time we had left.  But, with Friday Fever comes a lack of being able to follow directions.  What should have been a fun, coloring math activity, ended up being a constant string of students asking for another sheet because they'd messed up the first one, or continuous requests for me to repeat the same instructions over, and over, and over again.

And by 9:30.. my alter ego:  Mrs. Krabby, had awoken.

One thing I did do is remind myself that I was feeling so crabby because I was so tired.  It wasn't the students' fault.  I was overreacting much more than I normally would because of my own stress and exhaustion.  I figured it was best to just move on, and let it go.

But, the same string of "I can't find my work", "what paper do we need?", and "what am I supposed to do, again?" followed in to our reading time.  It just so happened to be the day I was giving a spelling test and a grammar test...tests mean silence while people are working.  But, Friday Fever made that almost impossible.  No matter how many times I told them there was no talking while people were still working on their tests, they still talked.

I will point out that this time last year, I would have probably exploded.  There would be yelling.  There would be dishing out of missed recess time.  There would be tears from those students who were doing what they were supposed to be doing, and felt like they had upset me.

Apparently, I'm not that Mrs. Krabby anymore.  I've learned that yelling doesn't get me anywhere.  Besides, after facing a class full of students that were terrified of me on Day One, I had made myself the promise that I would prove to these kids that I wasn't who they thought I was.

I've learned that to directly impact a student isn't through yelling, it's by putting on my "sad face" and sharing disappointment.

Gets 'em every time!

Although, this time it wasn't an act.  For the first time this school year, I could have burst in to tears.  I was so frustrated and upset...that it took everything inside of me to not let my emotions come flooding out of me.  I gave them a talking to, hiding my true emotions, the best that I could.

By the time it was time to head to lunch, I had received several apologies for their rowdiness and inability to follow directions.  And I was able to spend my lunch time taking several deep breaths, letting go of the desire to break down in to a pool of flowing tears, and telling myself over and over again that in a few short hours the week would be over.

The afternoon was much better.  Even though the kids had been super rowdy in their specials class, I let it go.  I gave them a stern talking to about representing our class when away from me, and that I wouldn't tolerate bad behavior when they were with another teacher... but a few words from our awesome janitor on the way back to class made me take a step back and just let the talking to be enough.

"They can't be perfect all the time."

He's absolutely right.  

They were ready for the day to be over just as much as I was...and they were excited about it.  I get that.  I was excited, too.  So, I decided that for the remainder of the day, we were going to have some fun...and end the day with a bang.

And that's exactly what happened.  We watched a science video, the kids worked on their handouts, they talked but kept their discussions down to a dull roar.  I worked with a group of students, and we laughed and joked around.

I got a big dose of the medicine I needed.  That was the reminder that when times are tough, there's no better medicine than laughter.  And to see 18 adorable faces enjoying their lesson, working hard, and having fun in the process - I know I'm doing something right.  

I'm really starting to see how much I've grown since last year.  I'm still not perfect - never will be - but I've grown.  I know that my kiddos are counting on me to guide them, nurture them, and show them how to do things.  They are counting on me to lift them up when they are struggling, point them in the direction of success, and make them responsible for their own learning.  

We are only in a few weeks...and I can't expect them to have it just yet.  It will come.  I have an amazing group of kiddos.  They are starting to learn a lot about me, and I them.  

At the end of the day, no matter how tired or stressed or grumpy I am...being in my classroom makes everything right in the world.  

And Mrs. Krabby was gone....just like that.  And the day ended on a good note.

I was able to come home, rejoice in the fact that I got to sit on my couch for the first time since Sunday, and then get the sleep I needed.  

Now, I'm up, awake, recharged, and excited to enjoy this weekend.  I'm going in to work, later, to get some stuff done in my classroom... but not before spending the day relaxing.  

And that's all I got for today.