From a Distance

                                              

Today has to be one of the first Mondays in a very long time that I'm glad the weekend is over.  I've had just about enough of this weekend, that's for sure, and I'm ready to get back to work and keep myself busy.

I apparently jinxed myself BIG time on Saturday when I wrote that blog post about feeling so good and guaranteeing myself a great day, because soon after that was written everything started to go downhill from there.  And this morning, I feel like a truck has had a grand old time running me over, backing up over me, and then running over me again over and over and over.  Not physically, but emotionally.  It  has been a tough one, that's for sure.

What I have learned from this weekend, however, is that I just have to let stuff go.  I can't dwell too much.  And I certainly can't help everyone.  That's the most important lesson, by far, that I have to take away from all of this.  A person can only help someone else that understands and wants to be helped.  Trying to help a person that doesn't want help is like playing tennis with a sponge.  You can keep hitting the ball to them, but nothing comes back.  The sponge will stand there and absorb the hits, but then the ball just bounces off of them like nothing happened at all.  And you're just standing on the tennis court, looking like a complete idiot, waiting and hoping for a sponge to return the ball.  It's just not going to happen.  

But thankfully, I've gotten to the point where I can say enough is enough.  There's nothing more I can do but step back and let situations play out the way they play out with me being taken out of the equation.  I still care, but I care enough to walk away.  I still want to help, but only when that help can be appreciated and respected.  I still mean to keep my promise, but only when that promise needs to be kept.  I'm not going to keep trying to prove myself, I have nothing else to prove.  My actions have spoken a thousand times louder than any words ever could, but if those actions aren't heard, they don't do any good.  

I understand that sometimes a person's biggest cry for help is pushing someone away.  Especially someone they really care for.  Whether it be that the person is testing the limits of the other person, they care about the other person's feelings and are pushing them away to protect them, or because they simply don't know how to treat someone that cares so much.  It's probably the worst time for me to walk away, but I also know that I'm not going to wander far.  Just walk away enough to keep myself distanced from the torture that I'm having to go through, and keeping myself firmly planted on the sidelines waiting.  Waiting for what?  I don't know.  Maybe nothing at all.  But, what I do know is I'm done playing the game.  I'm done being beaten up by the other players.  I'm done trying to reach a goal that's so heavily defended it's just impossible to reach.  I'm going to sit on the bench for a while, watch the game unfold, and just wait until I'm needed or until someone else understands my potential and scoops me up for their team.

I've gotten to a point where I've become numb with my emotions, and I don't like that.  It's almost as if nothing surprises me anymore.  I hear bad news and I just shrug it off.  I get lied to, and I almost expect it.  I hear the same old story over and over again, and I laugh because I've heard it so many times before.  The anger is gone.  The sadness is gone.  The expectations are gone.  Well, that's not completely true.  I did cry Saturday night, out of anger.  But I was angry because I had let myself get to the point where I am willing to put up with so much and it no longer phased me.  That angered me A LOT.  I shouldn't have to be numb to my emotions.  I shouldn't have let myself get to that point.  I know it was all a defense mechanism to protect me.  It's better to just ignore what I wanted to feel than deal with my feelings.  That's not healthy.  That's not right.  And that was when I realized that there's nothing else I can do.  Enough is enough.

I have been told by so many people how much the person I'm trying to help needs me.  I've been told how great a person I am for doing what I've done, putting up with what I've put up with, and not backing down.  I've been told that this person is very lucky to have me in their life.  And it feels good to hear those things.  Unfortunately, they aren't coming from the one person I need to hear them from.  Let me rephrase that.  I have heard the words from that one person, but the actions that follow make me question their authenticity.  And, again, actions speak much louder than words.  

Clinging to hope is not necessarily a bad thing, but when that thread of hope has gotten so thin, it's time to make the decision to let go and leave the tiny thread there than to hold on and let it snap completely.  The thin thread will continue to dangle over my head, but I'm no longer going to hold on to it.  Over time, the thread will either start to get bigger or it'll fly away in the wind.  And, I can actually say with confidence that I'm OK with either one of those scenarios.  Because I know that even if that thread does disappear, it's not the only thread of hope out there.  I just may need to start looking for a thread that has more rope-like qualities to hang on to.  One that has someone on the other end helping me up rather than letting me slip further and further away.

I can only be pushed so far before I decide to start walking in the direction I'm being pushed toward.  And today is the day I start walking.  I have value.  I have worth.  But, if someone isn't able to see those things in me, then it's their loss.  Not mine.  

So, it's time for me to take my seat on the bench, take some time to breath, and wait and see what's in store for me.  I'm ready to play a good game, I'm strong and able to give it all I got, but I'm no longer going to exhaust myself trying to prove how good I am.  Someone will eventually take notice, and when they do, I'll be ready.  

I'm not going to fight anymore.  I'm not going to chase anymore.  I'm not going to invest my time in to someone or something that has no investment in me.  It's time to start looking in to some new investments, I think.  

So, opportunity, please feel free to start knocking on my door... I'm finally ready to answer.

Have a great Monday, everyone!