Someone Throw Me a Freakin' Bone Here...Preferably with Chicken on It!

Dear Diary...

I know, I know.... I've been gone for two days.  I'm sorry.  Yes, I know you were worried.  Yes, I totally expect you think I've fallen completely off the wagon and I'm sitting - right this very second - among a pile of empty pizza boxes, chicken wing bones, candy wrappers, and soda cans.  Well, don't worry...it's not like that.  Not exactly.

This week has not, however, gone how I would have liked...and it's only Wednesday.  Being gone from here for the past two days has been very weird.  Not a weird I like - at all.  But, I needed a couple of days to get my bearings... my head was spinning so fast, I just couldn't concentrate.

Monday morning, IT began.  By IT, I mean the job hunt.  And, ever since Monday morning, I've had this knot in my stomach that feels like I have some kind of worm making its way through my intestines looking for a way out - and being that I haven't lost any weight.... I know it's not really a worm, but nerves and stress.  Already.

Both Monday and yesterday morning I sat in front of this computer sending out emails to principles.  I've sent out 20, 25...feels like 100.. emails.  With each email I sent out, I attached a slither of my hope.  I was kinda hoping that as emails started coming back, my hope would get a little refill.  But, alas, nothing yet.  I've had many replies - but the senders all forgot to attach the hope I was looking for.  That happens, though, attachments often get forgotten... so now I'm hoping that one or two or six of them will realize that the hope attachment was missing - and resend it.  But, as of right now, all of the emails I've received have been nice - but have also informed me of the fact that there just aren't any jobs available at the moment.  UGH!

My plan was to not let the stress get to me, and pound it out in the gym.  'Member?  That's what I said Sunday, I believe.  I wasn't going to let the stress get me down - and I was going to use it to motivate my hard work at the gym.  That's what I said.  Wanna know how many times I've been to the gym this week?  Zero! 

Monday, I totally forgot that Jelly had a dentist appointment after work.  That can't be helped - she has to get her teeth fixed.  No biggie, I told myself - I still had 4 days to make up for it.

Then, yesterday morning, I'm ready.  I get my gym bag ready.  I'm pumped to get back in the gym.  Then, Butter gets suspended from school.  Yep.  I said suspended.  As in, I had to take him home - and he can't go back today, either.  So, after I spent about 2 hours at the counselor's office with him, then get him home, go get Peanut and Jelly from school - I'm done.  As in stick a fork in me - I'm so done - I'm going home and forget the gym.

Could I have still gone to the gym?  Yes.  I could have.  Butter being suspended wasn't a prevention from my going to the gym - it was just another heaping of stress to feed the worm in my stomach...and I bailed.  At the moment when I probably needed the gym the most - I totally ran...with some minor screaming on the way.  That, my friends, is what you call a lame-o excuse.  I totally understand that.  Weakness got the better of me - and I'm not happy about it.

Today, I'm really going to the gym.  I mean it.  Unless I get a call from a principle asking me to go for an interview - nothing is going to stop me.  In which I might run to the school - so that would get my exercise in.  Even Butter's counselor told me yesterday how some serious working out would help tame the stress beast.  But, I already knew that.  He reconfirmed that getting in the gym more often is exactly what I need right now - or going out for a run.  Whatever I can do to burn off some energy.  He explained how I could end up not sleeping well because of my stress - which I know will start to happen soon - if last year is any indication of how this year will go.  I don't want that to happen - my sleep is too important to me.

My eating this week has been OK - not great, but not as bad as it was last week.  I may have eaten a couple of fun size pieces of chocolate - and a blueberry muffin.  Foods I should be avoiding, but a far cry from the junk I usually drown myself in when the going gets tough.

If the past two days are any indication - the next few weeks are going to be tough.  Really tough.  No matter how much I told myself I wasn't going to bring myself down with job-hunting stress - I realize that the stress is inevitable.  It will eat at me between now and...well...probably August, if I haven't found a teaching job by then.  Pretending it's not there, ignoring it, or letting it reign over me just aren't an option.  I've seen and learned what can happen if I try those techniques - they don't work.  I have to channel the stress - use it to my advantage.  I didn't say it would be easy.  If it were easy, then I wouldn't weigh close to 250lbs now, would I?  But, this is a rodeo I've ridden in before.  I was bucked off in 1.1 seconds the last time... now I'm going for the full 7 seconds.  I can't let the bull win...not again.

These first four months of the year that I was going to take back control just haven't gone the way I'd hoped.  I've ended up gaining weight instead of losing it - and I wasn't even stressed those first four months.  Last year, I lost quite a bit of weight the first four months...then started to gain.  Maybe I can turn things around this year.  Maybe this will be the year of opposite reactions.  2011 - I lost weight, then gained weight, then didn't find a teaching job.  Maybe... just maybe...2012 will be I gain weight, then I lose weight, then I do find a teaching job. 

I can't give up hope - it's just too early.  I'm only two days in to my job search.  I have to stay positive.  I have to fight.  I have to focus - and retrieve back my control.  I have no control on whether or not a principle will hire me - but I do have control on every other aspect of my stress.  I'm in the driver's seat - and I can show how dedicated I am by burning off this excess weight, pushing through the roadblocks, and coming out victorious. 

Ready, set..... GO!

Till next time. ;)