True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

With the first day of Benchmark being yesterday - I've got some doozy confessions to share today. 

I confess that I had a major binge breakdown yesterday.  As in, I didn't stop eating from the moment my feet stepped through the school doors until my feet got in to bed last night.  It was awful!  There was a "Benchmark Oasis" set up for the teachers.  Meaning - Benchmark Chocolate and Junk Food.  I ate Brown Betty's, mini candy bars, Lifesavers, and cake pretty much all day.  On top of that, I ate a meal replacement bar for breakfast, and a school lunch - hot ham and cheese with fries.  Came home and ate two helpings of tuna casserole - and then devoured a fruit pie and some chocolate chip cookies.  I don't even want to begin to do the math on how many calories I consumed in one day.

I confess that I went to bed last night feeling bloated, sick, and ashamed.  I have absolutely no idea why I did what I did to myself.  I really felt guilty about it though -  and I still do. 

I confess that I haven't been doing so well tracking my food on MFP.  Make that I haven't been tracking at all.  Up until yesterday it wasn't bothering me too much - because I was being very good with my food choices - sticking mostly to fruits, veggies, whole grains - no white flour, sugar, etc.  I hate to think what my daily intake would look like if I had tracked yesterday, though.  

I confess that I did try to keep myself moving most of the day yesterday.  I started the day off getting the kids to do some stretches and jumping jacks - which I did with them.  I paced the room pretty much the whole time they were testing - which was a little over 3 hours.  As soon as testing was over, I went outside with the kiddos and played a little soccer.

I confess that I hate it when two pairs of pants the same size fit completely differently.   I wasn't happy yesterday when the size 20 pants I put on were a little on the tight side.  Meaning, that I had to be really careful during stretches and jumping jacks yesterday - out of fear of my pants ripping.  Then, this morning, I put on another pair of size 20 pants - and I can basically put them on without unbuttoning them...and they are very baggy.  It's so frustrating when I'm trying to gauge changes in my body by my pant size - and pants that are supposed to be the same size fit so freakin' differently!

I confess that I'm happy my allergies seem to be easing up on me just a little.  I'm still a little snotty - and have a nagging cough - but I was able to go outside with the kiddos yesterday and it didn't completely kill me.  If things continue to improve - I should be able to get out this weekend for a long walk and be back in the gym full time next week.

I confess that yesterday's meltdown has made me really want to crawl in a hole with shame.  It also makes me mad - and the anger is good.  It makes me think that I'll think twice before being tempted like that again for the rest of the week.

I confess that I came up with a mini game plan last night - while in the midst of my binge, and fully aware of it. Subway is having a buy one get one free promotion this month.  Before 9am, if you buy a 6" sub, you get a 6" sub free.  So, on my way to work, I'm going to stop and pick up a breakfast sub - and get a lunch sub for free.  I'm going to load both with veggies and use them to help keep me full for the day.  I'm also going to try and stay out of the "Benchmark Oasis" for the rest of the week.  I just realized how much this confession sounded like a commercial.  Man, I've been watching too much Biggest Loser.  You're welcome, Subway!

I confess that I'm also going to take advantage of some of my exercise opportunities this week by starting every morning off with the kids doing some yoga stretches and light cardio.  Jumping jacks, running in place - stuff like that - that will get the heart pumping for them and calories burning for me.  I'm going to utilize the fact that I can walk back and forth for three hours continuously.  I'm going to end each day either walking the track a few times or playing some soccer.  I've been given a great opportunity this week - and I can't be stupid and spoil it with mini candy bars and baked goods.  That's just silly.

I confess that even though I deserve to beat myself up over my meltdown yesterday - I realized that I haven't had a major meltdown like that in weeks.  I just looked back through my past few Confession posts - and the last 4 have been pretty positive in regards to my eating habits.  One meltdown in at least a month is definitely a sign of progress...and one that I should celebrate just a little.  Who can remember my posting about a binge almost every week?  I know I can.  So, to say that I have been eating much better for over a month is something I'm proud of.  And maybe next time I post about a binge....several months have gone by - or there's no such thing as a binge because I've finally done away with stupid, mindless eating.  One can hope!

I know, deep down, that my allergies have taken a toll on me in more ways than I can ever imagine.  They are taking away some of my control.  They are preventing me to do what I want to do - as much as I was fighting with myself to do it before my allergies hit.  Exercise.  I need balance.  When I eat well, I don't work out.  When I work out, I don't eat well.  If I could find the balance - and eat well and work-out simultaneously... I know I'd be feeling much better and more motivated.  

I'm hoping that I can use this week as mini stepping stones back in to working out.  It's all about finding opportunities to get my body moving...and I have several of those opportunities this week.  I don't have to be in a gym to get exercise, I know that.  And not being able to go to the gym can't be an excuse.  If things keep going the way they are - I won't have any more excuses this time next week.  I should be healthy enough to start giving my all - again.

Yesterday was bad - but it was a learning opportunity.  I have the chance to learn from it - and try not to make the same mistake again.  The guilt I feel is good.  I need it.  It will hopefully keep me strong as I'm faced with continuous temptation for the rest of the week. 
 
I will be strong.  I will Overcome!

Till next time. ;)