True Confessions Tuesday

Time to confess, I guess.  Wow...a poet, and didn't know it.  HA!

I confess that I didn't go to the gym, yesterday.  The kids wanted to go bowling, so I took them bowling.  For two hours.  I'm sure that bowling isn't really considered a physical activity - but I threw a heavy ball down a lane over, and over, and over again.  In my warped head - that counts for something.  Not much, but better than sitting on the couch, I guess.

I confess that my eating was majorly out of whack all day yesterday, and I ended up eating a pretty crappy dinner and then mindlessly snacking all evening.

I confess that I did start the day off with good intentions.  I ate cottage cheese and pineapple for breakfast.  It amazes me how quickly I can get off course even with the best intentions.

I confess that, with no big surprise to anyone, that I am feeling very defeated, depressed, and lost in terms of my weight loss journey.  I'm hanging by a thread of motivation...and ready for that thread to snap at any minute.  While everything inside of me wants to lose the weight, I just can't get my heart and my head to work together to make it happen.

I confess that I keep watching the scale increase every day.  I feel like I did two years ago, when I was so out of shape I could barely do anything.  Even though I'm not there, yet, I'm well on my way.  I'm in a vicious spin of self-destruction, and no amount of coaxing is getting me out of it.

I confess that my clothing options have now come down to no more than a few pairs of sweat-style shorts, a couple of dresses (that fit, but look terrible on me), and one pair of capris that I have that are size 20.  The capris are still a little too big, but not big enough to keep me in a size 18.  Even some of my t-shirts are getting to the point where they are just too tight.  My closet is crammed full of amazing, cute clothes....but I have a long way to go before I can fit in to them again.

I confess that I don't know what the heck is wrong with me.  It's so blatantly obvious that I'm self sabotaging myself for no good reason.  I held on to the lame excuse that my path of destruction was paved based on the fact that I couldn't find a teaching job...and since I have found a job, the destruction has gotten harder and faster.

I confess that I'm confessing all of this and being totally depressing on purpose.  I have to let my thoughts and feelings out.  It's what I keep telling myself, and I have to keep reading it.  My hopes is that it will trigger that small slither of determination inside of me.

I confess that I changed my Weight Loss Counter on my blog to reflect the total amount of weight I've lost since starting my journey two years ago.  I was so tired of seeing a big, fat zero every day - that I decided to change it so I could see some positivity on the page.  The number is still a lot smaller than it's been in the past - but it's something.  I have to hold on to the fact that I'm still down some, and I don't want that number to keep dwindling down.

I confess that I remember back two years ago, that the one thing that triggered my biggest spark of motivation was when I participated in boot camp.  Even though boot camp isn't an option for me right now, I truly feel that having a personal trainer may spark something back inside of me, again.  On Thursday - when I go back to the gym...and I WILL be going back to the gym... I am signing up for the first appointment the gym has available with a personal trainer.  I'm going to explain my woes and make that PT be hard on me.  I need structure, discipline, and encouragement. 

I confess that I'm feeling the way I'd hoped I'd feel after writing all of this out.  Angry.  I am angry.  Very angry.  How the hell could I let myself get this far off track?

I confess that even though I said only yesterday that I wouldn't do this... I'm going to do it anyway...I'm going to officially promise myself that changes are a coming.  BIG TIME.  I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I feel, obsessing over the constant failures, and feeling sorry for myself.  That's the biggest bunch of BS I've ever heard.  How the heck can I feel sorry for myself when I'm the one doing it to myself?

I confess that starting Thursday, I will be going to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY until I get the phone call that it's time for me to start working on my classroom.  Then, I will be going EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.

I confess that starting Thursday, there will be a meal planner back on my fridge.  There will be a kitchen stocked with clean, fresh ingredients.  There will be no more junk food.  There will be no more soda.  There will be nothing but water (and my morning coffee). 

I confess that I just can't take any more excuses, set-backs, or let-downs.  I'm just sick of it.  I can't take writing one more day about how I've failed.  Failure is no longer an option.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Till next time. ;)