The Here & Now vs. The There & Then

Every now and then, I like to look back at my blog posts from days gone by.  It hit me this morning, that June, 2010 was the first month that I posted almost every single day.  Twenty-eight out of thirty days I posted that month.  That means, June marked my two year anniversary of being a "dedicated blogger".

It blows my mind to think that I have been doing this almost every single day for two years.  Since June 2010, I've written 726 posts.  That's more than a book!  It makes a lot more sense, now, why I sometimes have such a hard time coming up with stuff to write about.  That's an awful lot that I've shared about my life and my weight loss journey.

It's painful to see how wonderfully well I was doing this time last year, or the year before that. 

In June 2010, I was in the midst of a very demanding boot camp.  I did things I never thought, in my life, that I could do.  Push-ups, sit-ups, climbing up and over horrible obstacles, running a mile in 14 minutes, and doing continuous calisthenic circuits.  I came out of that boot camp a new woman.  Tough, fearless, determined.

In June 2011, I was struggling.  I'd had some set-backs, fallen off the wagon a few times, but was still full of energy and motivation...and was holding strong to a number I hadn't seen in many, many years. 

But, then July 2011 came.  And from what I've seen, it pretty much all started going down hill from there.

The reasons are clearly stated.... School was too demanding of my time and I become obsessed and depressed about finding a teaching job. 

And now what am I looking at?  I'm looking at a person who has gained 35lbs since this time last year.  That may not sound like a lot stretched over a whole year... but it's the difference from a size 16 to a size 20.  It's the difference from running a 12 minute mile to not being able to jog for more than a couple of minutes.  It's the difference from feeling strong, determined, and focused to feeling weak, unmotivated, and embarrassed.

It amazes me how two years ago, July marked the midpoint of an amazing journey.  I was fitter than I'd ever been in my life.  I was extremely dedicated, motivated, and fearless.  Only a year later, all of those things started to fizzle out.  I kept telling myself over and over that I'd overcome, I'd get over it...but the last twelve months since that time has proved how wrong I was.

If I had a dollar for every time over the past year that I've said "Today is the day to start over", I'd have quite a bit of money right now.  Too much money. 

One thing I have learned by reflecting and looking back over my blog is that I hold too much weight in words.  I use this blog as an outlet to explain how I feel, but my actions rarely support what I say.  I keep saying how much I want to buckle down and lose the weight, but once I shut my laptop for the day...all those good intentions stay locked on the page.

My blog is my best friend, but has also been my worst enemy.  It has made me see my flaws, explain my desires, but in the real world - my blog is just a story.  It tells the tale of a woman longing to overcome the battle of food addiction, wanting to transform into a beautiful, healthy, thinner self. 

But the story just keeps going, and going, and going.

Chapters keep repeating.  Arch nemeses keep reappearing, never to be slayed or destroyed.  And the main character just can't seem to free herself from the prison that she has created for herself.

There have been moments of joy.  There have been moments of sadness.  There have been victories.  There have been defeats.  

But, at the end of the day, who wants to read a story that just keeps repeating everything over and over again? 

I know the answer to that, when I got tired of reading my old blog posts this morning, feeling like I'd been trapped in a de ja vu moment several times over.

It's a new day each day with the same story.  And that's just freakin' boring.

But one thing I have to realize is that the two main arch nemeses from the story of defeat have been slayed.  I'm no longer in school and I have found a teaching job.  What are my excuses now?

I am the villain and the heroine in this story.  I am also the author.  The story plays out as it happens... but, that's not how it has to be.  I could inspire the story by my actions.  I'm not talking about saying I'm going to go to the gym and then not go.  That's just the old stuff we've heard too many times before.  I mean actually doing something productive and out of my comfort zone and then coming here and sharing it.  A dramatic twist to the story?

I could.

But will I?

Honestly, I don't know.  You and I both know how well that fares out for me, too.

What I do know is that I'm sick and tired of being stuck in this never-ending cycle.  I have to make the decision of just accepting the fact that I'm going to be over-weight forever and move on.  Or accept the fact that in order to not be over-weight forever, I have to actually do something about it.  And not just want to do something about it.

Will the villain inside of me prevail?  Or will the heroine victor overcome?

Let's not hope another year goes by before I decide.

Till next time. ;)