Wednesday Weigh-In

Dear Diary...

Not happy this morning.  Not happy at all.  I knew I was going to see some damage on the scale this morning - but not this freakin' much!  A week after Aunt Flo leaves, I expect a loss.  Even if it is just her bloat weight baggage.  But not today.  Apparently she decided to leave a bunch of baggage behind when she left.

Last week, I weighed in at 239.4lbs.  That was almost a pound gain from the week before, which I expected because of AF.  Well, this week?  That gain has tripled.  This morning, I weighed 241.8lbs!  That's a gain of 2.4lbs.  To say that I'm unhappy, pissed off, and disappointed in myself is the biggest understatement EVER!  I know have to lose $4 out of my reward jar.  And I'm not earning anything this week from working out.  My reward ticker is surely starting to feel like a yo-yo.

The blatant honesty is, though, I did it to myself.  This past week was a rollercoaster of emotions.  First, I was sick.  That kept me out of the gym.  It also kept my butt planted firmly on the couch when I wasn't at work.  It also made me unhappy, which led me to mindless snacking.  Then, this weekend, I had a great emotional high with my bingo win.  That led me to mindless eating as a reward.  Oh, I have a little money? Well, then that must mean we have to eat out...and eat a ton of junk!  UGH!!

One thing I know for sure.  My eating is out of control.  I am still in the rut of emotional eating - maybe even worse than I've been in a long time.  It seems like each week I'm either dealing with one extreme or the other.  If I'm working out, I eat better.  If I'm not working out, I'm eating crap.  That's not an unusual concept... quite a common one, actually.  But, it goes to show how important my working out is.  If it's not there, the passion isn't there.  I'm not thinking about what I eat.  That just can't happen anymore.

I went to the gym last night.  I'll admit, I didn't really want to go by the time work was over.  It was Valentine's Day, which meant parties and hyped up, sugar loaded kids.  I was exhausted by the time I walked out the front door.  But, do you know what else I was?  Ashamed.  Because I had partaken in the V-Day activities, and dipped in to the cookies and chips that were on display in every classroom.  I was standing in the middle of a crossroad.  I could go home, knowing that I'd eaten crap...once again.  Or, I could go to the gym and try to extinguish some of the damage I had just done to myself.  I went with option B.  I had to. 

I got to the gym and met up with one of my friends.  It was so great having someone to work out with.  We did the 30 minute full body circuit training, and then did the 12 minute ab circuits.  It was my friend's first time, so she looked to me for guidance as to what she should do.  I'll admit it.  I felt kinda special.  Nobody has ever really looked to me for work-out advice.  It somehow pushed me to work harder.  I wanted to show that I knew what I was doing, I was committed to it, and that I was a 240lb woman that had determination to sweat my ass off.  I succeeded.  I think. I mean, I was able to really push myself - a lot harder than I have in a while - and I was dripping sweat by the time it was all done.

I was so glad that I went.  Even if I didn't want to, at first.  By the time I was done, I was pumped that I'd pushed myself and gotten through the barriers.  I upped the intensity on the weights.  I upped the intensity on the cardio steps.  I felt strong, and left happy.  I realized, once again, that the hardest part of working out is making the drive to the gym.  Once I'm there, I become a different person.  I want to work hard, I want to sweat.  It's a mind game that I'm tired of losing.  I want to make myself commit to at least getting to the gym every day that I can.  If I'm there 15 minutes, and I still don't feel it...then I can leave.  But, for some reason, I don't see that happening. 

I'm going back to the gym tonight.  I've decided that I'm going to alternate days with strength and cardio.  Being that I did strength training yesterday, I'll do about 30-45 minutes on the elliptical tonight.  I have some errands that I have to run after work, but I'm going to stop at the gym and get in as much as I can.  That's the mindset I need to get myself in.  Not letting other responsibilities get in my way.  Just because I have less time to work out doesn't mean I should just skip my workout.  It means I have to do what I can in the time that I have. 

I have learned a lot this week.  Mostly that I have a lot of work to do.  Especially in the food department.  Emotional eating is something that is hard to overcome.  I'm not even sure it's possible to overcome... but it can be controlled.  I know that when I'm working out, I'm cautious about what I'm eating.  That's because I don't want to waste the hard work I put in.  If I'm busting my behind to burn calories - the last thing I want to do is mindlessly eat and add calories that aren't needed.  The only way to control my eating is to make myself work out.  That's it.  Simple.  I have to have one with the other - or I get all out of whack. 

This weekend coming up is going to be a test.  I have the whole weekend alone with Hubby.  He's already told me that even though he doesn't celebrate V-Day - he's taking me out for a nice meal.  At a nice restaurant.  We will also be spending the entire day on Saturday out and about.  That may mean grabbing breakfast or lunch on the go.  What decisions will I make?  Well, as long as I keep in mind the work I've done in the gym this week - I should be OK.  Fingers crossed.

Goodbye 240+lbs... once again.  I've told you once that I never wanted to see your ugly face again.  I mean it this time.  You are officially evicted, exiled, banished.  I know I will have to fight - and fight hard - to permanently lose you.  But it's a fight I think I'm now ready for.  Be gone!

Till next time. ;)