Let's Change The Topic, Shall We?

Dear Diary...

This week has been mostly about exercise.  Or being sick.  I make myself laugh, sometimes, when I start something new - and that's all I talk about here for days and days.  I often feel some deja vu, and then realize I haven't experienced the moment before - I just realize I already wrote about it a few days ago.

I don't like being stuck on a single topic for days on end, but when I chose to write about weight loss - sometimes that happens.  Look what happened when I wasn't eating healthy and exercising - boy, did that topic get old.  Don't get me wrong, I like sharing the goods.  Being stuck on a topic like exercising is a good thing.  There's nothing wrong with it.  But, sometimes I bore myself with coming up with yet another post to write with my plans to go to the gym, or what I did while I was there.  And I'm only a week in.

Now, don't mistake my want for changing the subject for today's blog post as a sign I'm getting bored with the gym. On the contrary.  I've missed it quite a bit these past couple of days while I've been sick.  Just because I don't want to write about it doesn't mean I'm not wanting to go.  Just wanted to make that clear.

Let's talk a little about what's going on in my world, shall we?  I'll be honest, it's been a tough week.  Trying to keep up with kids while my throat and chest are on fire has been tough.  But that's not what I'm talking about.  It's been tough mentally.

Butter has been having a few issues this week.  A few issues that concern me quite a bit.  I had his parent teacher conference last night, and left almost in tears.  I think one of the hardest challenges I face is having a child that doesn't like school.  As a teacher, that's on the verge of heartbreaking.  I often have to take a step back and realize that Butter's school history has never really been pleasant.  He's had major issues since Kindergarten.  A lot of his dislike for school came from a school district that considered Butter too much to handle, and never took the time to get to know him or give him a chance or try to help. 

He's not in a district like that anymore, yet he just can't face that fact.  He keeps pushing his teacher away.  He keeps pushing the boundaries of the rules, and it seems like he's going out of his way to break those rules.  It's become an almost daily battle that has me worried, no make that petrified that if this behavior continues, his shot at a "normal" public school setting is going to be taken off the table.  That breaks my heart.  I just want him to be happy.  I want him to enjoy being at school.  I want him to realize that there's going to be things he has to do that he may not like, but everyone has those feelings - yet they deal with them.  It's so tough.

On the flip side, I also had Peanut's conference this week.  The situation was the complete opposite of Butter's, yet I still left feeling sad inside.  Peanut has always performed well in school.  She enjoys learning.  She loves to read.  She's blossomed from a recluse in to a social butterfly.  Her need to please others was her biggest issue in the last school district.  She dealt with bullying and ridicule.  She had very few friends and often felt outcast from the other kids.  And now?  Well, she's as happy as a fish in water.  She's found a school that she loves, friends that love her, and has teachers that challenge her and keep her on her toes - which make her want to succeed even more.  Even though she's always been a student to make good grades, the grades on her report card Tuesday were some of the best I've ever seen.

So, why did I feel so sad after leaving her conference?  Well, because now I'm terrified that next year that may all be taken away from her.  If I don't get a teaching job at the school I'm in now, or the three other elementary schools in the district that feed in to Peanut's middle school, she'll have to leave.  I'll have to take her away from the one place that makes her so happy.  Rip her away from the relationships she's built, and the teachers she loves.   The place that has finally been able to break her out of her shell and made her realize that she doesn't have to worry about being the most popular girl to have friends, and that it's OK to be smart.  It's a big weight to carry on my shoulders.

While I've been portraying my "I've finally found my mo-jo" attitude, I've also been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.  Being a mom is tough.  No, it's positively the hardest freakin' job on the planet.  There's often heartache around every corner.  I do my best, but sometimes I feel like that's not good enough.  All I want is for my kids to be happy.  I will do anything to make that happen.  But sometimes I just don't have the right answers or the plan that can magically make that happen.  Sometimes that decision is left to the hands of others - or the kids themselves - and that's very scary.

This weekend, I plan on having an emotional cleansing.  I'm going to spend the day with the one person that can listen, give me suggestions, and make me feel better.  My mom.  Well, actually both my parents should be included in that - but I'm spending the day/evening with my mom.  It goes to show how my parenting values were instilled inside of me.  When the going gets tough - I run home to Mommy and Daddy.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  I hope that after a day with my mom, she'll be able to add a fresh perspective to my situations and give me a ray of hope to hang my hat on.  She's very good at that.  And, while I'm out with my mom, my dad will be at home spending some time with Butter - and giving him the lessons of life that my dad passed down to me.

I'm staying positive that once this weekend is over, I'll feel better.  But, I've got to get through today.  I'll do it.  The best way I know how. With a smile on my face, love in my heart, and positivity seeping through my skin.  I can't fix my problems by holding on to negativity.  That only makes the problems worse.  Today is a new day with new possibilities.  I'm ready to grab a few of them - and run!   

Till next time. ;)