Reaching My Breaking Point

Dear Diary...

Did you know that 50 days have passed since the beginning of the new year?  Yep.  Seven weeks have come and gone since everyone sang Old Lang Syne, kissed their families, and began the process of planning out their resolutions for 2012.

It also means that 50 days have passed while I've made empty promises to myself, continued to stuff my face with food I know I shouldn't, visited the gym a handful of times, and watched the scale continue to go higher and higher.  That's not what was supposed to happen.

This past weekend was amazing.  Regardless of what I'm about to tell you.  This weekend, I let my hair down and truly enjoyed myself.  I had such a great time being able to have some quality time with Hubby. But, I also got to get a glimpse to how out of control my life, eating, and waist line have become.  No, not a glimpse, a full blown punch in the face.  It was hard enough to knock the wind out of me...and the harsh smack of reality now has me wondering where did I go wrong?

I tried on a pair of pants while out Saturday.  They were cute and cheap.  I said I wasn't going to buy clothes for myself, but I figured one pair of pants wouldn't hurt.  I grabbed a pair of size 18s to try on.  It was hard enough doing that, being that this time last year I was wearing lose fitting size 16s.  Anywho, I tried on the size 18s and I couldn't get them buttoned.  No matter how much I squirmed and squeezed, they just weren't going on.  I almost cried right there in the changing room.  I had to go up to a size 20 in order to get them to fit...and even they are a little snug.  The whole situation made me so sad.  What happens when I get sad?  Yep, I eat.  I totally believe that's what brought on the giant dinner and dessert Saturday night.  For a faint second I just had the mentality that I was done.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I was tired of disappointing myself, tired of trying, and tired of pretending to be something I wasn't.

After leaving the restaurant, I was miserable.  Miserable because I'd eaten way too much, and miserable because I'd allowed myself to do it.  Hubby could sense how I was feeling.  We went to a few more stores before heading home, and he kept trying to get me to talk about how I was feeling.  But it was too late.  The damage had been done.  I did what I always do - put it behind me, pretended it didn't bother me, and decided not to worry about it.  However, looking back now, I realize that I couldn't just let it go.  Remember how I mentioned I had a terrible time trying to sleep Saturday night?  Now that I think about it - I wonder if it was because my mind was tormenting me, trying to get me to face my mistakes, make me take accountability for the damage I've done and continue to do to my body.

I really, truly believed that once the gym opened up at the beginning of this month, I'd magically transform in  to a new person.  I'd get rid of the person I'd become, and jump right back on to the horse of losing a ton of weight.  Well, I've been to the gym - but the scale continues to increase.  There's just no balance in my life.  I work-out a couple of times a week, but the eating outweighs the exercise.  What happens when one side isn't in sync with the other?  The scales become unbalanced - and work against me.

I wish I could sit here and say that everything is going to change.  But, really, how many times have I said that?  It can't be about words anymore.  I can tell myself over and over until I'm blue in the face that I'm going to change my behaviors - but until I actually start putting a process behind the statements...it's just empty, open words. 

At the beginning of the year, I made one promise to myself: No more empty promises.  I wasn't going to make goals, I wasn't going to set deadlines.  Why?  Because I end up failing, and then that makes me feel even worse.  I promised myself that I was going to take one day at a time, do what I could each day and start over the next day if things didn't go right.

I'm just not sure that mentality works for me now that I look at my progress thus far.  Telling myself that I can just start over tomorrow is another excuse - probably the worst excuse that I can have.  You know why?  Because tomorrow is always there - welcoming me with open arms, allowing me to do whatever I want today.  Things have to change.  I have to change.  I can't just start over tomorrow - I have to cease today.  I have to make everything count today.  I have to give everything I can today. 

So, I'm going to try something new...starting today.  Each day, I'm going to start posting mini goals again.  I know I said I didn't want to do that - but I need some accountability. I need to see success in being able to finish something I set my mind to.  Not outrageous goals - just simple, day to day goals.

Today I am going to drink lots of water.

Today I am going to not eat anything but breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack between lunch and dinner.

Today, when I eat those meals, I am going to eat small portions.

Today I am going to the gym and will complete 30 minutes of circuit training and 12 minutes of ab circuit training.

I've reached my breaking point.  I can't live like I've been living anymore.  It's now or never - and I have to take some initiative in seeing it through.  I know I can do this.  One day at a time.  

Till next time. ;)