Call Me a Loser All You Want! - Weigh In Time!

Dear Diary...

For pretty much the first time since the beginning of the year - and starting this journey over yet again - I was actually looking forward to this morning's weigh in.  You may need to read that again just to be sure I said what you actually thought I said.  It's true.  I knew this week was going to be different.  No last minute excuses, no last minute explanations as to why I'm expecting to see a gain - none of that. 

Before I actually get to the numbers, though, I do have something to admit to you.  I didn't get to go meet Patrick House last night (Season 10's Biggest Loser).  No, let me rephrase that - I didn't go to meet Patrick House last night.  After getting out of Butter's therapy session - that was after 5pm - I was exhausted.  That's a terrible excuse, one that I regretted while driving home.  THEN, I got home, and saw that Patrick had posted to his Facebook that he was in L.A. filming.  Come to find out, he had to put off his appearance at my gym for a week cause he's in L.A. filming an episode of Biggest Loser.  I didn't miss him after all - and you can bet I'll be there next week.  No excuses!

So.  Let's get to those numbers, shall we?

On my first weigh in of the year, I weighed 239.8lbs.  Since that time, I've gained.  A lot.  Last week, getting up to 244.4lbs,  I decided to ditch my old ways and go back to basics.  I logged all my food, I counted calories.  Did it make a difference?  You tell me.  This week I weighed in at...241.6lbs!!!  That's a loss of 2.8lbs!!!

I'm very happy with that number.  Even though I made a few changes this week, I still made a few bad choices and skipped a few work-outs.  My immediate reaction was to think about how much more I would have lost if I had stuck to all of my goals and worked out more and didn't partake in the two moments of weakness and eat junk food.

But, then I told myself I'm not going to do that.  Losing almost 3lbs in a week is something to be very proud of - despite any mistakes I made.  Mistakes mean I have room for improvement.  They will most likely happen every single week - but as long as I can still pull numbers as great as this?  I'll be just fine. 

This week has really given me a different outlook on the whole process.  I can't believe I was such a naysayer about logging my food - but the proof is in the pudding, right?  I gave it a week, and the results of my week show how important that tiny step is in this whole process.  Done are my days of saying it's not important to count calories.  I was in idiot - I'm OK to admit that.  Now, I'm a loser... and I couldn't be more happier about that!  I am also going to use my food logging on my Reward Jar.  For every week I log all of my food - every day - I now earn a $5 bonus!

Along with making the change to logging my food, I am also going to be making a very huge step towards doing something I never thought I'd do.  I am going to start getting some counseling.  I'll admit that I have been taking a bit of an advantage of Butter's therapist.  Well, yesterday, he point blank called me out on it.  He could tell I was struggling.  He could tell that I needed him - for my own reasons, not just Butter's.  As much as I've tried to think otherwise, I have a lot of demons in my closet that I can't just let go by myself.  Holding on to my past - as much as I keep telling myself I don't - is affecting my weight, the way I parent, and my life in general.

I've been struggling a lot since Butter came out of the hospital with stepping back in to the role of a dominant parent figure towards Butter.  I coddle him.  I kept telling myself that if I approached him with nothing but love, he'd never want to be that boy that got him put in the hospital ever again.  And then, I admitted to the therapist my biggest fear:  I never want Butter to turn out like his bio-father.  What I thought to be a nothing more than a concern turned out to be the statement the therapist had been waiting for me to admit:  My past is affecting me.  Until I can let go of the guilt and frustration and mental anguish that man from my past put on me - and what I fear will develop in my son - I will never be able to give Butter what he truly needs.  I am basically enabling Butter to do the very thing I'm scared of happening.  The only way to fix that is by facing the issues head on - and now I'll have a therapist to help me through it.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be very tough on me.  There are going to be some major changes in my house.  I was given a list of things to do this week by my therapist, and some of those things scare me.  Some of those things are going to upset Butter - big time.  But, everything he's asked me to do is necessary.  One of my hardest tasks is going to be making a list of the fears I've overcome and the fears I still have.  The therapist is going to help me with as many as he can.  He's going to help me face my fears, and give me the tools to let go of my past, let go of my guilt, and stop worrying about who Butter may become.

There are so many factors that can play on weight gain and loss.  I'm quickly realizing that it's not just about what I eat and whether or not I work-out.  In order for my body to let go of the junk, my mind has to also let go of the junk.  It's something I'm prepared to do.  No, it's something I want to do - more than anything.  Just getting rid of the weight won't be enough.  I've already learned that lesson.  It will just come back.  Until I can get rid of the junk that causes me to mindlessly eat and sit on the couch rather than work-out, I have no hope.  But, I do have hope.  And hope is going to get me through.

My goals for today:

• Log my food
• Drink lots of water
• Work out at the gym

Till next time. ;)