It's not like I've gone crazy this week. I haven't. Not all week. Just the past two days. And still, not "crazy" - just eating things I shouldn't be.
The worst part is, I had such a wake-up call yesterday... and after, I drowned my sorrows with a burger and fries. Let me explain.
Remember how excited I was about going dress shopping with Peanut for her formal dress? Well, we had an amazing time... except for when it was time for me to try on some dresses. It took everything I had to hold back the tears of how awful I looked standing in front of a mirror in a dress.
My beautiful daughter had tried on several dresses, and I felt so proud to ooh and aah over how truly amazing she looked. Here's a pic of her in one of the dresses she tried on. She didn't like the dress, but she looked stunning in it...
I posted this photo on Facebook, and one of my old friends commented on how much she looked like me when I was 16. As complimented as I felt reading that comment, I couldn't help but think I sure don't look like that now.
When I found a dress I liked, and tried it on, I couldn't help but notice how terribly frumpy and large I truly looked. And it was devastating.
I ended up picking a dress that looked the least terrible, and then had to find something to put over it - because I refuse to wear a sleeveless dress. Again, because I look terrible without sleeves. I tried with all my might to just keep a smile on my face - because it's my own fault I look the way I do. I wasn't going to let it spoil our day out together. Nope, instead we made the quickest drive to Red Robin and I drowned my sorrows in a huge burger and fries. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
So, it was no surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning I discovered that I had gained 1.2lbs. Yep. GAINED. So, now, my total weight loss in the past 4 weeks is a measly 6.8lbs. UGH!!
All I kept asking myself in my head, yesterday, was why didn't I stay the course two years ago? How proud would I have felt if I was down below 200lbs trying on those dresses? And the worst question of all: Will I embarrass my beautiful child by showing up to her dance looking as awful as I did in those store mirrors?
To make matters worse, the night before we all went out and ate Chinese food with P-Momma. I was semi-good and only ate meat and veggies. I stayed clear of my absolute favorite Chinese food - Chow mein. I look at that as a form of a victory, but I'm sure I over did it on the meats and veggies I did eat.
This time last week, I sat here and spouted off about how I was going to really buckle down again and jump right back in to losing weight. And look how the week went? I'm not about to start playing the same old tune week in and week out, trying to defend my poor excuse for weight loss. I'm just not going there. Again.
I have one of two choices to make.
I either accept the fact that I'm a large woman and will always be a large woman - taking the hurt and despair of trying to look nice in clothes, when I know deep down that I don't.
OR
I stop with the "I will" and just freakin' DO already! No more excuses. No more minor slips. No more using food as a reward or being OK with a minor cheat here or there. Because you know what? There are no minor cheats. When I slip and fall - I majorly crash and burn.
The sad truth of the matter is, I can't just sit here and give you an answer. I can tell you which one I want to choose - but unless I actually start doing rather than telling, it's all a load of hot air.
I have exactly a week and five days until Peanut's formal dance. I know it's not possible to lose enough weight to look much different than how I look now. That makes me sad, but it's the truth. But, I have to also stop thinking about the short term in all of this. If I am thinking of committing - completely - it has to be for the long term.
I truly don't know what the future holds for me and the success of my weight loss. All I know is that I hated the woman looking back at me in the mirrors at the store, yesterday. I hated the way I felt. I was full of shame and detest. I don't want to live my life feeling that way about myself.
So, it appears I have some serious decision making to do....and doing will be the key word in all of it.
I think your way too hard on yourself. Weight loss is hard enough without you beating yourself up, if it was easy we would all be supermodels :) Being up a pound doesn't necessarily mean it's a true gain, could be your retaining alot of water due to the sodium from your food yesterday, flush your system with water for a couple of days and then weigh yourself again. The past is the past you can't change it so don't look back keep moving forward and this time next year you won't be saying 'why didn't I stick to this last year?"
ReplyDeleteThanks. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, but I really need to be. I've been riding this roller coaster too long not to. I either commit and do or find excuses or don't. I totally intend on getting there, one day. I just have to make each day count so that I'm not sitting here whining each week about the scale not moving. :)
DeleteAww babe - this doesn't sound like you. You NEVER give up even after you fall. And btw - 6.8 lbs in 4 weeks is over a pound a week and that's a great rate of loss. Give yourself credit for that. Have you ever tried a program like WW? You can do this. I have no doubt.
ReplyDeleteYou know me too well. ;) You know that I have no intentions of giving up. To be honest, I'm just tired of saying the same ol' same ol' - you know? I figure if I just take one day at a time and not get caught up in the obsession, I will have a better chance of succeeding. I totally meant to come off as not talking about it but just doing it... doesn't sound like that now that I've read it over again.. LOL
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