Trying to Find Strength for One of My Biggest Weaknesses

I have always been one to LOVE roller-coasters.   But, emotional roller-coasters ?  They just SUCK!  Something bad happens, and you're pulled up this extremely high incline...not knowing what's going to happen, how bad it really is, then WHOOSH...you think you've got things figured out and everything's going to be OK.  But then, oh...nope...you find out it's not OK yet, and you start being pulled up that incline one more time...deal with it, and then WHOOSH... you think, once again, everything's going to be fine.  Until finally, just when you think the ride is over, there's that last mountain to get over.  That pull uphill that just seems to go up, up, up.  

And that's the part I'm riding this morning.

These past two weeks, I have been on that dang roller-coaster just pleading for the ride to be over.  And I have been tricked in to thinking that I'm just about done and I'm about to pull in to get off, and another freakin' mountain of an incline has been waiting around the corner.

My emotions have been up and down, up and down, up and down and it's enough to make my head spin, my stomach hurt, and my eyes and throat sore from the crying and screaming to JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!

You would think that when someone is on the ride with you, the fears and the uncertainty would be easier to handle.  And that's probably true for most people, except when the person riding with you happens to be one of your kids.  That makes the ride worse.  More scary.  Harder to handle.

I believe that most parents want nothing but happiness for their kids.  They want them to be safe, protected, and to know that the one person that will keep them safe and protected is their mother.  Even in the worst of times, Mom should be there to ensure that everything is going to be OK and take away all the fears and worry.

I am most certainly one of those mothers.  I NEVER want to see my kids hurting.  I never want them to have to worry about anything more than what grades they are making, if they'll make the sports teams they try out for, or if the girl or boy they are crushing on likes them back.

Those kinds of worries they can take care of on their own, deal with in their own way, yet I'll always be there for them to turn to if they need me.

But, when the hurt and or worry are beyond those realms...I believe it is my first priority to prevent and protect my kids to the fullest extent.  They should not have to worry about BIG problems.  That's my job.  Yet, in the situation I'm going through, it's not my problem...and even though I've tried everything in my power to shield my kids from the impact that it has on them, all I can do is idly stand by and wait for the next piece of information, the next piece of the puzzle to be put in place so we can figure out if the roller-coaster can finally stop, or we continue riding up and up and up.

I know this is all very cryptic and crazy sounding.  Believe me, I'd like nothing more than to be able to scream out the problems that we're dealing with just to get it off my chest.  But, I can't.  There are just some things that are TOO personal to share, or it's too important that they be kept between family.

What I can share is that at Butter is the one riding this emotional roller-coaster with me.  He's the one being pulled up and down... enough to make both of our heads spin and our stomachs upset.  And, the poor boy has NEVER liked roller-coasters.  Real roller-coasters or emotional ones.  He's the kind of kid that prefers to keep his feet firmly placed on the ground.  He's ridden enough emotional roller-coasters in his life to know that his idea of a fun ride is the kind delivered in a slow, calm way.  No surprises, no sharp turns, and definitely no giant mountains to fly down.

Yet, in this situation, he's been picked up, dragged against his will, and forced on to ride it out.  We were both completely blindsided with it, and now there's nothing either one of us can do but wait... until we're told that we can get off.

To add some fuel to the fire, Butter now believes that he is somehow being punished for all the problems we dealt with years ago.  The pain he inflicted on others, the lies he always told, and the struggles he put on the family.  He thinks the situation we're dealing with is all that bad that happened back then coming back to bite him in the behind and show him that what goes around comes around. 

Even though the majority of those issues were out of his control.  Even though those problems were due to a mental illness and the wrong combination of medication.  He, now, actually believes that he never really suffered enough for what he did to those that love him, and it's time for him to get a little taste of the pain those around him went through.

What 12 year old thinks that way?  What 12 year old SHOULD feel that way?

And, no matter what I say or how I try and explain away what's going on, I know that there will be no shaking that feeling inside of him.  No matter how much I explain that it wasn't his fault and that the changes he's made in his life were his way of getting back on the straight and narrow and leaving it all in the past, there's no way of trying to explain away his way of processing.  

In his mind, back then he did TERRIBLE things and it's only right that somehow, someway, he's punished for those actions.  

As I held him in my arms last night, trying to calm him and explain that I will be there for him NO MATTER WHAT, he told me that no matter how this all played out, he truly felt that this was his wake up call to make sure he never put himself in a situation to get in to trouble.  That there would be no more lying, even of the small kind.  That he would do better, be better.

And all the while, I'm trying to explain to him that he IS BETTER.  He's made all those changes.  He's turned everything around and is living a good life... making good grades, has lots of friends, does his chores (most of the time), and everyone that knows his past is EXTREMELY proud of the accomplishments he's made.

Yet, his mind has him convinced that THIS situation is his trial.  His past catching up to him and finally making him accountable for all the wrong he did during his darkest days.

That's enough to make me weak in the knees, my heart collapse, and an agony of pain wash over me that I don't think I've ever dealt with on this level.

What do I do?  How can I take his pain and fears away?  How do I make it all better?  

Especially when the answer to all those questions are beyond my control.  I have absolutely NO control how this situation will play out, what the outcome will be, or any way of assuring him that I know what's going to happen next.

Thankfully, today we will get some answers to all the questions.  We will hopefully get to find out how much longer this roller-coaster is expected to last.  And what, exactly, we have to do in order to make the roller-coaster stop.

And I know that every minute that passes until we get to that point will be extremely tough on me, and probably ten times worse for Butter.  

I just hope that today is the day it's all finally over.  That we can put it all behind us and just move on.

Please say a prayer or send some positive thoughts to my Butter today, as he battles a demon that has targeted him.  Help and guide him and I both to the right decisions, and to the others involved that will be making the decisions on what to do next will ease his suffering and worry.

We are ready for this to be over.  To move on.  To learn from it.  And to just be HAPPY.