True Confessions of a Mad, Fat Woman

For the first time in many, many months - I would seriously rather run around my town naked before spilling my guts for this week's confessions.  It's been a bad week.  Make that terrible week.  I know with every fiber of my being that I'm off to Exile Island tomorrow...and it's all my fault.

I confess that...I'm only two weeks into the Shrinkvivor challenge, and it has been one of my worst weeks in months.

I confess that...even though I ate well before the weekend, I didn't walk or work-out for a single minute last Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday....or all weekend for that matter.

I confess that...this weekend I ate Golden Coral ONCE again.  This time for lunch.  I started with a salad, had a small plate of food to follow - and then another small plate and three rolls with honey butter and then a piece of pecan pie.  I left feeling over full and miserable.  I haven't over eaten that bad in so long...and I have no idea why I did it.  Of course, I regretted it as soon as it was over... but it was too late.

I confess that...I snacked A LOT over the weekend:  Chips, candy corn, peanuts, cookies, ice-cream.  I was a crap eating fool.  Again, I don't know why.  I still have this warped, messed up perspective that spending time with family means there should be plenty of eating. 

I confess that...when I stood on the scale yesterday morning I could have cried.  I almost did.  I remembered how great I felt last week when I recorded a 2.4lb lost and then cursed myself for destroying it....and then some.  In a matter of a weekend, I threw all of the hard work away from the week before... it sucks.

I confess that...I'm struggling with coming up with a game plan to control my binges, and get in some exercise.  Being that I'm trying to do what I can to secure a teaching job next year - and because it's very important to me to be involved with my school... I've spread myself a little thin.  Every day after school I'm supervising an after school class, and three nights a week I'm doing extra curricular clubs on top of it.

I confess that...by the time my work day is over, I'm exhausted - and I just can't find the motivation to get moving or work out.

I confess that...as I sit here typing all of this I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  Seeing my self sabotage in black and white is haunting...and it makes me angry.  I feel like I'm stuck in a prison cell of weight gain...and just when I think I've found a way to start chipping away at the walls, I see that there's no light coming from the hole...it's just another cell on the other side.

I confess that...I woke up yesterday morning seriously considering just throwing in the towel.  I keep putting myself into this situation of feeling failure and heartache - just to get into smaller pants and feel better about myself.  Is there anything wrong with being overweight?  Am I happier just not worrying about it?

I confess that...after receiving a phone call last night - I changed my mind about throwing in the towel.  A girl that interned for a while with me last year passed away this past weekend.  Even though I have no idea how or why - I know that she was extremely overweight.  She was not much older than I am.  Even though  I didn't know her very well - my heart breaks for her family and her two young children.  I don't know the cause of death - but it sent a shock wave through my system.... I just can't give up.

I confess that...regardless of what the scale says tomorrow morning or whether I'm off to Exile Island - I can't focus on any of it.  I just have to stop doing what I'm doing.  Easier said than done... but doable.

I confess that...I'm scared.  It's been a long time since I've been in this dark of a place where I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I know that no matter how long the tunnel is...there's light at the end, somewhere.

I confess that...I'm tired of confessing about my failures...I'm making it a mission to have some positive confessions next week.

Till next time. ;)

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