Shrinkvivor - Week 5

Greetings, once again, from the depths of Exile Island.  

I've been here for 3 weeks, now...and everything is pretty much the same.  

I've been going at this challenge for 5 weeks - yet, I'm right back to where I started.  Literally.

Here's what my scale gave me this morning...

It's always disheartening to see a gain...even more so when I've done more exercise this week than the entire 4 previous weeks combined.  I hate that I'm now only .2lbs away from the number I started with 4 weeks ago.

There could be many factors at play... my legs are still killing me, so I could be building up a little muscle.  Doubtful - but a possibility.  It could also be the food that I've eaten this week.  Even though I've eaten better - it has still been way off from where it should be.  That's a much better logical explanation.

Being that my "change in perspective" didn't kick in until Sunday...I've only really been going at this for two days - so the five days before, where I still didn't really care much...and wasn't doing much about it is probably the best explanation.

This week, I've walked 3.2 miles.  That was in 54 minutes.  Monday night, I walked a couple of miles - but it was while Trick or Treating.  I walked for two hours...but being that I was strolling along, I'm going to claim 45 minutes.  I'm not going to not count any of it - because I could have just followed my kids in a car... but I didn't.  I walked with them.  That, in my opinion, is exercise....I don't care how slowly I walked.  So, altogether, I have about 99 minutes of exercise for the week.

I also stuck to the mini challenge - which was to eat no more than 2 fun size pieces of Halloween candy.  That's all I ate.  OK, so I ate a couple of donut holes, there has been some cookie eating, I've helped myself to some other sinful snacks, and I ate dinner at Golden Corral last Friday night...but that wasn't mentioned in the challenge to not do.  Yeah, I'm totally pulling at straws here...but bare with me.

Sunday is the day that I got smacked up side the head with a revelation...delivered by my oldest daughter.  She told me that I was happier when I was trying hard to lose weight.  When I was focused on scheduling and planning meals, when I was doing what I could to fit in a run several times a week....that's when I less stressed and more "laid back". 

It's funny, when you really think about it.  For months, I've stressed and struggled about gaining weight.  I know what I was doing to cause it - eating too much and not working out - yet, I continued to do what I was doing...and getting more and more stressed about it.  Already, since Sunday, I've felt better.  Getting out for some walking and a little jogging, having planned meals every day...I've felt much better. 

Yeah, I know, I still have a huge gain this week.  I'm up 2.4lbs.  I'm back to where I started.  Yet, I'm not as ticked off as I probably would have been if I had the gain last week.  Every week, I've been ticked off at seeing a gain or staying the same - but who's fault was it? Mine.  This week, I've started making the necessary changes to get rid of that feeling.  Maybe this gain is my body's way of telling me that it really is time to start over.

I started this challenge at 233.4lbs.  I now weigh 233.2lbs.  I'm basically starting over.  There's only a couple weeks left of this challenge - so not enough time to make a huge difference.... but my life continues after this challenge does.  It may have taken me this long to realize that my weight isn't going to change unless I change... but I know now.  That's what matters.

I could have thrown in the towel a long time ago.  I could have said to heck with it all...I'm a big gal, and that's just how I'm going to be forever.  But, I just won't let myself believe that.  Somehow, I've needed all of the struggles.  I've needed all of the stress.  I've needed all of the slow gain of the weight I worked so hard to lose last year.  I needed it all to help me realize that I'm the only thing standing in my way.  I am not destined to be a big girl forever - unless I give up.  That's just not an option.

So, even though I've basically been on hiatus since March, I'm never going to give up.  I don't really care if I only lose 5lbs between now and the new year...as long as those 5lbs are from trying.  I refuse to let myself continue on this road of gaining back the 80+lbs I lost last year.  I want to feel like I did back in March when I felt confident, successful....full of power and strength. 

I know I can do it - I've seen myself do it.  Losing 80lbs is no easy feat.  I did it, though.  I did it because I cared, because I tried.  Maybe I just haven't cared that much in the past few months.  I've said I have - over and over... but what do I have to show for it?  Lots of clothes that no longer fit me, clothes that barely fit me, and a feeling of complete and utter failure. 

Despite all of that, though, I've continued to stay here - on my blog.  This is my one lifeline to the hope that I will keep trying.  As long as I'm posting here every day, I'm constantly reminded of what I can do when I really put my mind to it.  I'm reminded as to why I started this blog in the first place.  I'm surrounded by people that care, and show their support with kind comments and emails. 

Even though the past few months have been filled with open promises and repetitive declarations that "I will get back to it"  with very little follow through on any of it... you just have to understand that those open promises and declarations have been from the fighter in me refusing to let go that eventually, I'd really get back to it.

Things are going to be different now.  I have a feeling.  The soreness in my legs are a good part of that.  The soreness tells me that I took a major step....and it's a pain that I want every day.  Having this soreness tells me that I'm still alive inside - I still have it in me.  I don't care that I have to start over.  I don't care that I can no longer run for miles...and that I have to start out with 60 second jogs again.  I'll get there... again. 

I promise - once again - I will do it!!  I will see my goal weight one day.  In fact, screw the goal weight.  I promise that I'm just going to change who I am - once and for all.  I just want to be healthy.  I just want to be happy.  I don't know what the number has to be on the scale for me to get there....but I will get there...eventually.

OK - everyone enjoy their Wednesday.

Till next time. ;)

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