A Glimpse In To A Crystal Ball?

Dear Diary...

Sorry for being MIA yesterday.  I slept late - mainly because I'd been up half the night.  Once I got up, it was too late to write my blog.  Then, when I got home, I passed out on the couch.  I was exhausted.  I've only been getting a few hours sleep - interrupted sleep - for the past several nights, and it finally all caught up to me.

The allergies that I'm dealing with are by far the worst I've had to deal with in years.  In fact, the last time I remember it being this bad was when I was pregnant with Jelly - and I had to be rushed to the hospital because I was having a full blown asthma attack...and the allergies in my chest ended up turning in to pneumonia.  Thankfully, I have a nebulizer now.  So, when I had an asthma attack the other night - I was able to take care of it without making a trip to the ER.   It's scary stuff. 

I know that I'm suffering so bad because of the lame excuse of a winter we had.  No snow.  Hardly any temps below freezing.  It was a mild winter, that is now causing havoc on my system.  Nothing had a chance to completely die out or freeze over.  And now people wonder why I love harsh winters so much.  Because harsh winters lead in to mild springs - and mild allergy seasons.

Thursday, after work, Peanut and I hung out together because we were attending a fundraising event at my school.  We had some time to kill, so we grabbed a bite to eat and then made a run to Wal-Mart.  As I was walking around, I had to use the cart to lean on.  I had to walk slowly, focusing on my breathing.  I had to make several stops to rest - because I was getting winded and didn't want to aggravate my chest.  I knew that all of these problems were a result of my allergies - but I also started thinking about something else.  Something that started to scare me a little....or a lot.

As I was walking around wheezing and heaving - I started to wonder if this is what life would be like if I continued to gain weight.  I remembered being close to 300lbs and how winded I got walking from the car to the store, walking up a small flight of stairs, and how it felt the first time I tried walking at the track for 15 minutes.  What if I gained all of my weight back, and went back to the life where walking small distances made me so tired?  What if I gained even more weight and got to the point where I had to slowly walk around Wal-Mart taking several breaks, lean on the cart for support, or like I've run a marathon just walking back to my car?

The whole time, an inner voice was screaming at me that the way I was feeling was not related to my weight whatsoever.  Yet at the same time, a small, shy voice was mentioning how my feelings and symptoms could be equated to looking through a crystal ball showing me what my future has in store. 

If things don't change in my life, and I don't stick to my goals and actually make them happen, then I could be getting a run-through or trial period of what life could be like.  I've gained 30lbs since last summer - around 6 months.  So, if I continue to gain the same amount of weight...around 60lbs in a year...and do some quick math... I could weigh 420lbs in three years!  I was barely able to walk for 15 minutes when I weighed 297lbs... I can't even imagine what I wouldn't be able to do if I weighed more than 400lbs.

Of course, I'm being very dramatic and unrealistic.  I hope.  But it's still enough to make me sit and ponder.  When I was between 210lbs and 215lbs, I was able to run continuously for close to 3 miles.  I was fitting in to size 16 pants - and they were pretty loose on me.  I felt 100% better about myself.  I was full of energy.  I tried things and dared to do stuff I didn't think I could do. 

Look how much damage has been done by only gaining 30lbs of it back.  I'm back to only being able to jog in 60 second intervals.  Thirty minutes on the elliptical feels like an eternity.  The size 18 pants I've been wearing are getting tighter by the day - and I'm much more comfortable in a size 20.  I'm a lot more tired at the end of the day.  Everything that I was so proud of has vanished...with the return of a mere 30lbs.

As much as I hate what my allergies are doing to me, I'm also kinda thankful - in a way.  I know that not being able to go to the gym this week has bothered me immensely.  I hate being in a situation where I can't work-out.  It's so different when I chose not to - but having the ability to make that decision for myself is killing me.  I've found myself actually craving the gym, craving a jog, craving the ability to be active.  And I've only been without if for a few days.  It all makes me want to smack the tar out of me for all those times I was too lazy to do some exercise.

I have no idea how long my seasonal asthma will last.  Could be a week. Two weeks.  A month.  Two months.  I know that when my allergies were this bad the last time - I was out of commission for at least a month.  That's a long time.  I can't sit around that long - I just can't.  The Race for the Cure is next month - I may only be walking it this year - but I'll be doing it, no matter what. 

I've decided that next week, I may go to the gym and spend 15-30 minutes lifting some weights or trying to find something that's not too cardio heavy.  One thing I know I can do - and will be starting this weekend - is Yoga.  I've been telling my buddy Jenn how I've been planning on getting back to it - and Yoga is the one exercise that's recommended for people that suffer with seasonal asthma (or asthma in general) because the whole practice is focused on breathing.    

Also, I have to remember that just because I can't exercise too much doesn't mean I can't eat right.  In fact, eating right is more important than ever now that I'm so restricted on the exercise I can do. 

So, despite how scary this week has been or how crappy I feel - it has helped me.  I'm able to take away a very valuable lesson from it all.  I must lose the weight.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  My health, my future, and my life depend on it.  I don't want to imagine a life where exercise, being active, and having the ability to do it aren't feasible.  That just can't happen.  Taking care of myself is so important - and apparently it took something as extreme as this to really engrave it in to my brain.

This weekend, I'll be locked in my house.  I'll be in the comfort of my AC.  I'll be trying some light yoga, watching what I eat, and making a plan of action for when my allergies are under control enough to get me back to where I can work-out to my full potential. 

I still plan on being back in my size 16s by May 17th.  I can do it.  I know I can - I just had to have a look in to a crystal ball to show me what the alternative could be.  And I've got the message loud and clear.

Till next time. ;)