Rising Up From the Ashes

                                       

When I think of words to describe myself, I always use the words "honest" and "loyal".  They are two words that describe an inner core inside of me.  Trust is something I hold on to with a light thread, but I take pride in the fact that if someone can trust me they can do so knowing I am a person of my word and that I will stick by them until the end.

But, I did something that has caused me to die a little inside.  And that's break the trust of someone I care very much for.  Not so much as in broke the trust, but damaged the honesty and loyalty that I offered with every piece of me.  The sad part is, the thing I did was utterly and completely out of my control.  I had no control over the situation as it played out, yet in a way that makes it 100 times worse.

When I first found out, I cried.  Usual response, I suppose.  Then, I got angry.  I was taken advantage of, I let control slip away from me, and I did something extremely stupid.  I did it without my knowledge, but it was still really stupid and something I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for.  But, I knew the minute I found out, I had destroyed a piece of me forever and something was going to be broken inside of me that would never be fixed again.

What  I didn't expect, though, was the kindness and acceptance I received from the person who I let down.  And what I've realized is that was probably the worst punishment I could receive.  Being told that I was forgiven, it was a mistake, and it's better not to dwell in the past.  

When I first heard those words, I thought I would feel relief, but I didn't.  I felt guilt, more anger, and like someone had taken a dagger to my heart.  Because a piece of me thought that even though I was offered the forgiveness I wanted so bad, I was given that forgiveness with the understanding that it had changed everything.

Here I was, the rock, the one person that this person could count on, the one that would never hurt, never betray, never damage....and even though I did so without my knowledge, I still did those things.  

And the worst part is, I realize that this stupid act is the reason I found so much strength two days ago and is now the reason I must hold on to that strength.  I have most definitely died a little inside, but I must now rise as a stronger, wiser version of myself.

I made a mistake.  A terrible, horrible mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.  It's not just something I can forget about and move on from, because it's eating away at me from the inside out.  I, myself, feel hurt, betrayed, and damaged by what happened, but I have to keep those feelings locked up because what's more important is the hurt, betrayal, and damage it may have caused someone else.

But, what that mistake did is give me something to learn from.  I had been weak, I let my guard down, and I had been doing things I wouldn't normally do because I thought it was what was wanted from me.  I was willing to change everything I am to prove my loyalty, and what ended up happening?  I broke that loyalty and damaged myself.  

Very important lesson learned.

What I have now realized is that I am who I am.  I am NOT going to change for anyone, no matter how important they are to me.  

And, it's also released the beast inside of me.  I will not give up.  I will make up for my mistake and show the person I hurt who I really am.  They'll either love me or leave me.  That's for them to decide.  But, I will no longer try and prove my worth by being someone that I am not.

I am honest, I am loyal, I am strong, I am powerful.  

I will always be there when needed, I will always be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hug for strength.  I will be there when everyone else turns their back, through the good times and bad.  My worth will not be tested through my weaknesses, but through my ability to stay strong.  My worth will not be tested through my words, but by my actions.   Because, my dear friend, I may have broken a promise to you this past weekend, but one promise will always stand true:  The promise of ALWAYS.

I will always be there.  I'm not going anywhere.  In fact, now the bar has been raised.  I will make up for my mistake, I will prove to you that it was a moment of weakness that will never happen again, and I will show you that I am still the one person that you can ALWAYS count on... no matter what.

Except, now, you will have to understand that darkness inside of me has been set free.  I am going to be who I am.  Take it or leave it.

You will understand that I will not always listen to you.  I will make decisions about what I think is best for us.  I will not bow down to you, but stand in your corner holding you strong.  I will confront you when I need to confront you, and I will not enable you any longer.  

You have often asked me if I am ready to handle all of you.  But to you , my friend, I ask if you're ready to handle me?  Are you ready to understand that I'm not the person that I've portrayed the past couple of weeks?  Are you ready to understand that I'm going to challenge you, do things you ask me not to do, and stand toe-to-toe with you if need be?  

If you are, then you're also ready to know that I am with you until the end.  Nothing you can say or do will ever push me away.  You're stuck with me.... not matter what.... ALWAYS.