Embracing the Flaws

A few days ago, I rediscovered the motivation I needed to start making the right steps to losing weight....again. I did it after looking through photos of myself from last year. Comparing myself now to the pictures from back then was a huge motivator.

I know that I've put myself down a lot over the course of the past few months. I've either bashed my physical appearance or my mental state. And yesterday, I read a comment from one of the people I look up to the most - in terms of weight loss - and how my bashing myself made her sad.

I've been told, I've read, and I've received correspondence almost on a daily basis about how detrimental verbally abusing myself can be. If I tell myself nasty things about myself, I'll start believing them. And then I'll end up casing myself in a nasty little bubble of sadness and depression.

But, honestly, the more I bash myself the more motivated I feel about making the changes. If I just keep telling myself that I will love me no matter what, I don't have as much urgency to make the necessary changes I need to make.

In a sense, I embrace the things I don't like about myself. I am in a love/hate relationship with the negativity. It helps.

When I stand in front of the mirror and cringe at the fat rolls and how I look in an outfit, my mind starts yelling "GO OUT FOR A WALK! GO EAT SOMETHING HEALTHY! STOP EATING JUNK FOOD!" On the flip side, if I stand in front of the mirror and declare how much I love myself regardless of how I look I'm perfectly happy about sitting on the couch all day and not worrying about anything.

One thing I have realized is that when I bash myself, it's not a sign that I hate myself. Just because I don't like how I look doesn't mean I don't like the person that I am. I love the person that I am. I am friendly and loving and outgoing and very dedicated to being a great mom. I also love dreaming and following dreams. My physical appearance, or the way I feel about my physical appearance, doesn't change that. My perceptions of my appearance doesn't change who I am as a person.

Despite everything I've ever been told or heard about the damaging affects of self verbal abuse, it works for me. I know I'll receive some flack for saying that... but it's true. Putting myself down occasionally is like scolding myself for letting myself fall off the wagon and lose all the hard work I put in to losing the weight the first time. It sounds crazy and ridiculous but that type of negativity brings out the positivity in me.

I totally understand everyone's concern - and it really warms my heart that people care enough to let me know how hurt they are when they hear me bashing myself. But, I wanted to get it out there that no one has to feel sad for me. I do it because it works. I do it because it's how I feel. And I do it because I know that the only way to change it is by getting off my behind and doing the work.

It's how I did it the first time around. When I lost 80+ pounds, it was because every day I bashed how I felt and looked. Once I started loving the way I was looking - look what happened. I know I have issues, and I have to find a better way to motivate myself... but until that happens, this is what I've got.

I don't like being fat. I want to be thinner, fitter, and healthier. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. But, the point to this post is to let everyone know that I'm good. I love myself. I love the person that I am on the inside, just not too happy about what I look at on the outside. I plan on making changes to the outside. Eventually.

Till next time. ;)