A Day in the Life of a College Student

Today I will be doing something I've never done before.  I have been a college student for 3 1/2 years.  Let me say that again..I've been a "non-traditional" college student for 3 1/2 years.  Being "non-traditional" means that I didn't go straight to college from high school - I'm one of those people that waited almost a decade before deciding I needed a college degree.  Not so much decided I need one, decided that I want to work in a job that I love, do something I've wanted to do my entire life.  Unlike traditional students - most of them anyways - I have kids, I have some experience working in the corporate world, I have lived an adult life - knowing what hard times are, working from pay-check to pay-check to make ends meet, working long hours just to get a little extra money to pay the bills.  Now, I work a job where there is no paycheck.  My pay is received in experience, enrichment, and enjoyment.

I've worked fast-food.  I've worked in a factory.  I've worked in a call center.  I've worked as a receptionist.  I've worked for the biggest retailer in the world - in a nice little cubicle.  I've been there, done that.  The pay wasn't always great - but it was something.  Now I work anywhere from 8 - 10 hours a day and try to work another couple of hours each night at home - the difference is, though, I LOVE IT!  It's weird to say, but I don't mind not getting paid for it.  I don't think about how many hours have to pass until it's time to go home.  I choose to stay late some nights.  I don't count down the days until pay-day just to see the fruits from my exhausting labor.  The money doesn't matter.  Of course, I'm sure Hubby doesn't share in my feelings - he's the one picking up the slack. 

The job I do during the day is great.  I love it.  Then I have to come home to my second job: my life as mommy and college student.  On top of taking care of three kids, I also have to keep on top of my class work.  There is a LOT of classwork.  I have to do all of that at home.  Working at home is almost impossible.  Jelly has built in radar for days when "momma" has work to do.  I swear the child will play quietly all day by herself if I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing.  The minute I go into my office to work the "momma, momma"s begin.  "Mommy can I have a snack?" "Momma, can I have some milk?"  "Momma, can I watch Spongebob?"  "Momma, can I have a book?" "Momma, can I color?"  It's constant - always something else to ask for.  I'm up and down so many times, I'm wore out before I even get a sentence out on the computer.  You'd be amazed at how long it really takes me to write my blog every day.  There's just no hope to really get a dent on the mountain of work that has to be done if I try and do it at home.

Finally - I'm getting to the point.  I like a build up - but my goodness can I rant on sometimes..geez.  Today, I'm getting out of the house to work.  Sanity and I are loading up our laptops, our books, our earphones - and heading to a little coffee shop to spend an entire day working.  Today, we live the lives of college students.  I don't know how many times I've been in to a coffee shop and seen the ocean of laptops.  Coffee shops are kind of like libraries - but smell better.  They are quiet.  They are relaxing.  They offer my favorite beverage in the whole wide world in so many varieties that I get giddy just thinking about what I'm going to order.  We are going to work together, with another great friend of ours, and bounce ideas off each other.  We are going to plan, get our thoughts in writing, and hopefully make a dent in what has been dubbed "The Unit".  It is our end of the semester project - what the whole semester has been about - the do or die of the class. 

I never thought I'd be so excited - but I am.  It's silly, but I really feel like this is going to be such a great day for me.  I can destress a little, relax a little, but work my ass off in the process.  No interruptions from Jelly.  No distractions from the other two kids.  No worries about getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  No laundry, no cleaning.  Just me, my best gal-pals, a never-ending cup of coffee, and my faithful laptop.

PNOTD:

"Taking some time for myself can sometimes be the greatest way to deal with everything else that life throws at me."

Till next time. ;)

A Little Blog Game - Why Not, Right?

So, the mood of my blog has hardly been joyful the past few days.  I'm not apologizing - it's my life right now - can't do much about that.  Then I got a comment from a fellow blogger, and she had tagged me on her blog to play a little game.  It's a game in which I answer 4 questions she's asked of me.  I figure, why not...I need something to take my mind off of things, so here goes. 

The 4 questions come to me courtesy of Sarah at My F.A.B. Challenge:

1. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree, where would you spend it at and on what?
Hmm, this is tough one.  I would probably say some new furniture for my house and a nice vacation for my family.  Lord knows, we could all really use a getaway. 

2. What is one of the top 10 on your "bucket list"?
I'm going to have to say that probably the top of my bucket list would be to get a teaching job in a great school district.  I want, probably more than anything, to have my own classroom - and hopefully right after I graduate (wishful thinking). HA!

3. What is one thing you are looking FORWARD to over the holidays?
TIME OFF!!!  I love the holidays, but just having some well deserved time off with Hubby and the kids is all I need to really have a wonderful time.

4. Finish this sentence.. "All I want for Christmas is..."
TIME OFF!!  Nah, just kidding - I'm already getting that.  I guess I would have to say just a nice, family Christmas.  I don't really care if I get a single thing - I just want to be able to give my kids a good Christmas.  They deserve it...all of them.
 
That was fun!!  It's nice to take a break from writing about the crazy that is my life.  So, it's my turn to tag 4 blogs and think of 4 questions.  Here are my questions:
 
1.  What is the your favorite way to relax?
2.  If you could meet anyone - living or dead - who would it be and why?
3.  What is the kindest thing that a random stranger has ever done for you?
4.  If you could pick the occupation for your oldest child (or first child if you don't have kids), what would it be and why?
 
Here are the people that will hopefully answer the questions for me....
 
Drazil @ It's Just Me, Drazil and Shaniqua
Renee @ Renee's Ramblings
Maggie @ I'm Losing It
Colleen @ The Fit Bee

So, now on to my post.  Today was kind of a crazy day.  I woke up at 6:17am.  I usually leave my house at 6am.  Needless to say, I was frantic to get ready and get out the door.  To make matters worse, today was my first day teaching solo in my classroom - I could NOT be late.  I managed to make it into work at 7am - have no idea how I did it...but I did.

The day was really good.  The kids were awesome - behaved, worked hard...a true pleasure of a day.  I'm exhausted now, but it's not a bad kind of exhaustion. I feel like I worked hard today - but I enjoyed the day too...that kind of exhaustion I can live with.  Tonight I plan on working on some paperwork that I need to get done.  Tomorrow, I will be spending the entire day with Sanity.  We are going to hang out at a coffee shop all day and work on our big project that is due in a few weeks.  I need to get away from the house to work on it - because trying to work here is well, urm...difficult.  Getting to spend some quality time with Sanity will make it a lot nicer, too.

So, that's it for now -

PNOTD:

"Breath.  As long as there is air coming out of your lungs - it's a good day."

Till next time.  ;)

Turn the Frown Upside Down

OK, today I want to get out of the fog of depression that has spread through my blog the past couple of days.  Yes, I'm dealing with a lot right now.  Yes, I'm stressing.  Yes, I'm nervous about the coming weeks - not only with what is going to happen with Butter, but also if I am going to be able to get caught up on all of the work I have to do.  Regardless of all that - I need to start somewhere in turning things around...so that starts today.  I'm tired of being tired.  I'm stressing over stressing.  There's only one person that can fix it - ME!

Yesterday, I went on my first field trip as a teacher.  I pushed everything out of my mind that was weighing me down, and was determined to have a good time.  So, eight teachers loaded up 115 second graders on three buses and headed to a state park for a day of learning about the park and nature.  The bus ride there was hardly de-stressing - but we all made it one piece.  The state park was beautiful. It's nestled in the Ozark Mountains.  This time of year, with all of the leaf colors made it breath-taking.  The weather was a little chilly - but I think I'd rather it be that way than 80 degrees.  We got to see a few snakes, go on a 1 mile hike, learn about  bears, what lives and grows in the state park, and some of the history of the area.  It was just as educational for me as it was for the kiddos. 

While we were there, I really felt a load be taken off of my shoulders.  Maybe it was the air, maybe it was the surroundings - but while I was there, I was at peace.  OK, so handling 20 second graders wasn't all that peaceful - but I felt much better just being out there.  I did a couple of things I never thought I would do.  I'm terribly arachnophobic.  I mean REALLY bad.  The sight of a spider - any spider - usually makes my palms sweaty, my heart beat fast, and my body freeze.  Yesterday, I felt none of those things as a daddy long-legs approached the class that was sitting on the sidewalk.  I just walked over to it, and used my foot to shoo it away.  I felt no fear.  Then, later in the day, I thought nothing of picking up a walking stick that the kids were trying to catch.  Not something I would really ever do - but I didn't want the little thing tortured by curious hands.  I picked it up, showed it to the kids, and placed in back in the woods.

The point of this field trip recap is that yesterday, I was happy.  I felt free.  I had no burdens, no stresses - just me and the outdoors.  Being there helped me clear my mind, de-clog the stress and worry, and just be at peace...even for just a couple of hours.  On the bus ride home, I realized that something had awoken inside of me.  I was ready to battle everything that was going to come my way the minute I left work for the day.  I was ready to deal with issues that are weighing me down.  I was ready to make some decisions on how I am going to keep not only my head above water - but completely get out of the pool. 

I AM a strong person.  I AM a rock.  I know how to deal with the unknown, the scary, and the bad.  It's all in me - the power, the will, the courage.  I just had to find it.  Do I suddenly have all of the answers I need? Well, of course not.  All I can do is take one step at a time, one day at a time, one challenge at a time.  I know that there's not much I can do about Butter for the next few weeks - so I need to focus on all of the work that needs to be done.  I'm going to get the work done.  I will pass this semester knowing that even though I dealt with uncertainty and doubt - I didn't let it overcome me.  I didn't let it win.

PNOTD - yes, it's back...

"My life is like a baseball game.  Sometimes I will strike out, sometimes I will hit a few foul balls, sometimes I may be pulled out of the game - but I will do everything in my power to to play my best game and hit that home-run that leads me to victory!"

Till next time.  ;)

Quick Update - Also a Big Change to Pseudo-Names

Before I start, I need to announce a new change.  It will be very confusing - and I'm sorry - but I just need to do it.  For a while now, I've been using the pseudo-names Prairie Dawn, Grover, and Zoe for my kids.  With everything that has been going on, it seems that those names are a little too confusing - a lot of people think that those are my kids' real names.  That being the case, I'm changing the names I use when talking about my kids.  From now on, my oldest daughter will be Peanut, my son will be Butter, and my youngest daughter will be Jelly.  I figure that maybe no one will think that those are my kids' real names.  I'm sorry for the confusion.  From this point on, I will be using those names to describe them.  Grover will now be called Butter.

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on how things went with the doctor today.  The counselor emailed me and told me that the doctor approved the request for residential treatment - yet the facility is full.  There is a 3-4 week hold on new applications. 

I don't really know what that means - except I will need to wait 3-4 weeks to find out anything else.  I'm not sure how I really feel about it.  Just waiting will be hard.  I worry about what Butter could accomplish in 3-4 weeks.  Things have been slowly escalating the past 3 weeks - who knows what could happen in another 3 weeks. 

I don't really have much more information, right now.  I will hopefully know more over the next week or so.  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts.  I want to thank everyone for the kind words and emails. 

Something Has to Give

Yesterday was a rough day.  I had to go into work late, then I met with my University Liaison, and then after school is was off to meet with Grover's counselor.

I was very nervous about having to talk to my UL yesterday.  I wanted to let her know what I'm dealing with - explain why I didn't have the work I was supposed to have - but I didn't want it to be an excuse session.  In all honesty, I needed someone to talk to.  I laid it all out for her.  I told her what's been going on, my inner combats on whether or not I should continue, and my feelings about being so behind and busy and never having enough time for my kids.  It was a very therapeutic meeting.  She looked me dead in the eyes and told me that she was sorry with what I was dealing with, but I couldn't give up.  She understood about my feelings on not having enough time with the kids.  She told me that the next few weeks would be rough - the end of a semester always is - but then I would have Christmas break.  Two full weeks to make up to my kids for not being around much.  Then, after Christmas, I would have four months of working hard...but then that would be it, I'd be done.

Hearing her tell me how dedicated I am, how strong I have always been, and how she has faith in me to finish what I've started really helped.  No, it didn't magically erase all of the doubt, worry, and guilt - but it helped.  I know, at the end of the day, I'm not going to quit.  I can't.  It would be like me running 20 miles of a marathon and then giving up.  Going all that way, and then deciding I don't want to finish the last tiny leg of the race - even though I know that those last couple of miles are the hardest.  That's just not going to happen.  Not only have I invested 3 years of my life into becoming a teacher, I've invested thousands of dollars - money that I can't let go to waste.  So, I left my meeting with her feeling a little better - making the decision that I'm in this until the end, and will have to think of another way to deal with my personal issues.

After work, I rushed off to meet with Grover's counselor.  We had a good conversation. For 30 minutes, he became my counselor.  I let out my frustrations, my sadness, my concern that I'm not being a good mother - and didn't know how to do what I needed to do to help with Grover's issues.  He said something to me that, at first, I thought was a way to make me feel better...then I quickly realized that was not what he meant - and the worry set it.  He looked at me and said "there really isn't anything that you are going to be able to do to help".  After the reality hit in that what he was saying wasn't a good thing - I asked him what he meant.  Well, he explained that he thinks that Grover's issues are not caused by me - not directly, anyway.  Grover is dealing with "attention" issues, but not what I was thinking.  He has his own battles going on inside of him - battles that I didn't start, nor will I be able to win for him.  He's depressed - but not because of a chemical imbalance.  He has a mood disorder, that is causing him to act the way he is, do the things he's doing.  There are medicines he can try - but the counselor doesn't think they will help.  The counselor believes that Grover may need residential care. 

Now, hearing those words didn't have the shock impact I thought they would.  Maybe, because in my mind - I've kind of expected to hear that.  I really hate to admit it - but I knew that I didn't know how to control him.  I've tried every trick in the book to try and help: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, discipline, consequences, rewards...all cause him to self sabotage himself....each time increasing in magnitude.  It's gotten to the point now where I have no idea what else to do, and the counselor is at the same point. 

No parent wants to hear that their child may have to receive residential treatment.  I don't want Grover to be somewhere else - despite everything that's going on.  The reality is, though, if it might help - then I need to do what ever needs to be done.  I don't have full details on what "residential treatment" would be involved, the length of time he would have to be there, etc.  The counselor is going to meet with the doctors today to discuss it - I should hear something later this afternoon.  The point the counselor gave me, though, is that if I continue doing what I'm doing - it may get to a point where another option (such as residential treatment) will be too late.  Grover may get to the point where he gets so stuck in his ways - and with continuing magnitude of anger, aggression, and self-sabotage - that he will end up in serious trouble, and there will be nothing I can do to fix it.

Please, keep my family in your thoughts today.  This is going to be a tough few days, as the decisions are made and options are given.  Nothing is set in stone, yet...I don't know what other alternatives they may give.  Whatever they are, I just want the best for Grover.  I want to help him - he is my son.  I love him with all of my heart.  It's very hard to admit defeat, admit that I don't know what else to do, admit that I can't be the "fix-all" parent.  I just hope that whatever I decide - it helps him get better.

A Dark Place

I've really been fighting with myself this morning.  I want to - no, need to - open the flood gates about stuff that's going on with me right now...hard stuff...but I keep stopping myself.  I know it's my conscience saying "don't air your dirty laundry in public" while my inner me is saying - "you will feel better when you let it all out".

This is one of the conundrums I face when having a public blog.  I don't usually hold back - I really don't have anything to hide.  I don't consider myself to be a secretive person.  If I have a problem, I like to share it...it really helps.  This time, is the first time in...well, ever, that I'm holding back.  It's not because the issues are so bad that they would get me in trouble or hurt me somehow - but it's hard to share the things that are happening now.  I know it's hard - because my kids are involved.  I guess the only way to do it is share the problem without sharing the problem.

I'm in a dark place right now - mentally.  On the outside, my smile is there...like it always is...on the inside I'm crying.  I'm crying so hard that I can't stop.  Every ounce of my emotional being is drained.  I'm having issues with Grover.  Something has happened that has made me question my parenting skills, question what I'm doing with my life, question if I'm doing what I should.  The problems stem from Grover being in a dark place - one that I'm not sure why he's in or how he got there.  Two weeks ago, he was happy.  He was doing great in school.  He was soaking in the praise, enjoying life - and then it stopped.  The spark was gone.  The problems started - and this time, they are worse than they've ever been before.

The only thing I can think of to cause something of this magnitude is me.  I'm too busy - I'm not there enough for him.  Despite telling both of my older kids that this "I'm too busy right now" stage is only temporary - I can't help but feel that it's had a devastating effect on Grover.  He's screaming for attention, and the measures he's going to to get it are scaring me. 

Grover won't talk about what he's feeling.  He won't talk to me.  He won't talk to his counselor or his teachers.  He puts on a happy face - like I do - and tells them and me that nothing is going on.  He tells us that he doesn't know why he is doing what he's been doing.  Maybe he doesn't.  Maybe he is so impulsive that it's causing him to act without thinking about the consequences...that sounds good, I just don't believe it for a second.  When I look into his eyes, I see pain.  Not just pain - I see hurt, anger, and frustration.  He denies feeling any of those things - he denies everything.  I think maybe it's some form of chemical imbalance - maybe he has no control over it.  Then I'm blindsided with the news from his counselor that he appears to be happy when he's at school.  When he's not here - he's happy.  News that no mother wants to hear.  Am I pushing my son away?  How do I bring him back?  I talk to him.  I put things off to spend time with my kids - sometimes maybe not enough...but I don't know what else to do.

I've really come to a point where I wonder if everything I'm doing is worth it.  Yes, I want to be a teacher more than anything in the world...except be a good mother.  If what I'm doing is compromising my being a good mother to my children -should I continue?  I've come so far - just 6 months away from the finish line.  I just don't know if Grover or I can last that long.  In the 3 1/2 years I've been in school - I've never once questioned if what I was doing was the right thing.  Becoming a teacher not only fulfills my life-long dream, it also will help my family. It will give me the ability to be there more for my kids.  We will have more financial stability.  That's the final product - is what I'm dealing with now worth it all in the end?  That's the question I need to answer.  I really don't want to give up - I want it too bad.  I also want my kids to be happy.

All of these issues are tearing me down.  I'm mentally drained, physically drained.  I feel tired all of the time - even when I wake up.  I can't stop eating. I know it's emotionally motivated - but I can't help myself.  I'm so unhappy that I have started to seek the things that settle the pain - even just for a second - the food.  I'm having headaches...pretty constant the past few weeks.  I know that they are stress induced - and they hurt so bad.  I'm disconnected at work.  I put on a happy face for the kids - but the urge not to burst into tears at least three times a day are getting harder to stop.  I can't focus on my work.  Each time I sit at the computer to try and tackle the monstrous amount of work that is piled on my plate - I go blank.  I start to feel guilty for working.  I pull myself away - only to regret not getting much done.  It's so hard to share this stuff - mostly because I think of myself as a rock.  I'm tough, nothing can bring me down....stress at work is nothing - I can handle that, no problem.  It's different when it's my child.  That stress I can't tuck away and pretend like it's not there.

I really just don't know what to do anymore.

 

Life - Where Are You?

As promised, I will not be talking about homework today.  It's Monday.  Time to head back to work for another week.  I'm making myself a few little promises this week - hopefully I will be able to keep them.  I'm not one to break promises...not really sure if I'm as dedicated when I'm making the promises to myself - I guess we shall see.

First, I'm going to do something for me this week.  Something I don't have to do.  Something I haven't wanted to do for a long time - but want to now.  RUN.  This past weekend I've thought about just getting up from my computer, putting on my running shoes, and leaving for a run.  Not just because I wanted any excuse to pull me away from my computer - but because I really just wanted to.  Each time I stepped outside, I thought how perfect the weather was for it.  Did I do it?  Well, no.  My promise to myself is to go each day after work.  Maybe I only do a mile, maybe I do three.  I'm not going to be doing it for the exercise, or to burn calories - I'm going to do it just because it's something I love and haven't done in a too long.  I need to do something to help clear my mind each day - so I'm not continuing to pile on to an already overloaded brain.

Second, I'm going to eat better this week.  I really don't know what happened to me last week - I couldn't stop eating.  Part of me is saying that it was emotional eating.  I was stressed - so I turned to an old friend to help me though it - food.  I was going to step on the scale this morning to see how much damage I did to myself...but I just couldn't do it.  I really don't need more stress on my plate right now - and seeing a gain on the scale would add to that stress.  I'm a week away from the Biggest Loser final weigh-in.  I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to win...but I will be devastated if I step on the scale and I'm back to where I started in the beginning of the competition. 

Lastly, I have to do something about the stress.  My loyal readers know that I despise stress.  I think that the running and the eating better will help.  Having so much on my plate is wearing me down.  I usually tackle situations like this head on - nothing can bring me down - but I'm starting to feel run-down.  I'm tired all of the time, my motivation is around a -3.  I feel the deadlines approaching, and they are getting to me.  I miss hanging out with my family.  I miss having nothing to talk about but how much work I have.  I miss having a life.  I know I'm a college student - and college work is my life right now - but I have other things to think about.  My kids need me.  Hubby needs me.  Even when I'm not locked in my office, I'm either lost in my thoughts of what I have to do or falling asleep on the couch. 

I have no plan on how I'm going to deal with the last promise.  All I know is that something has to be done.  The organizer in me wants to make a schedule - and schedule out the amount of time I spend in my office each night and how much time I spend with my family.  Then I curse the fact that I even have to consider scheduling time for my family.  That will not happen.  They are not going to become victims of my weekly planner for me to make time for.  I'm thinking that I might start taking some work to work with me.  I get almost two hours during the day for planning, recess, and lunch - maybe I can get some work done it that time.  That would help.  Wow - that's a great idea....see, I told you this blog is therapeutic.

Right, I'm going to try a few things this week:  take some time for myself by going out for a run every afternoon, get rid of the junk food that has found it's way into my house recently, and stop stressing so much about how much I have to do.  I'm going to take some work with me each day - even take my laptop. 

Huh, I'm feeling much better now.  It really is amazing what I can accomplish on this blog. Letting all of my thoughts, feelings, and stresses flow through my fingers - and the solutions follow.  Nice!

PNOTD:

"Talking about problems is a great way to solve them.  It doesn't matter that you talk to yourself - if you can help find your solutions."

Till next time. ;)