De-cluttering of the Mind

Yesterday started out a little rough.  After sharing my desire to begin a journey to self happiness and inner fulfillment, I spent most of the morning frustrated, stressed, and mad.

After finishing my blog yesterday morning, I decided to start working on my goals for the day.  The first goal was to finish up what I'd termed "Operation: Christmas Condensing".  It basically means I decided that it's about time Jelly gets rid of some of her toys - just so there's room for more once her birthday and Christmas get here.  The Operation started on Saturday.  Peanut and I sifted through two huge toy boxes making a pile for toys to be donated and a pile for trash.  Yesterday, I still had two toy boxes left to sort through - an additional two boxes. 

As I sat down at the pile of toys around me, I took a second to look around the living room.  There were toys scattered all over the floor, empty pop cans on the coffee table, Peanut's desk looked like an extension of her bedroom - clothing and school stuff on it and around it.  While I was looking around, a huge wave of defeat hit me.  I, all of a sudden, just got a feeling like I was fighting a losing battle.  No amount of sorting or cleaning was ever going to get me ahead in the mess....my house was destined to be cluttered and messy.  The feelings were so strong that they put me into a depressive funk for a while.  I ended up in my office, head in my hands, ready to give up.

I sat in my office for a while.  I kicked myself over allowing these feelings of anger and frustration to consume me over something so stupid.  It was that thought that was my epiphany, my motivation.  How could I possibly begin to try and make my life less stressful and more happy if I got so upset over something so unimportant?  Yeah, my house is a little messy...I have three kids.  My house isn't dirty.  It doesn't smell.  My kids are not living in filth.  The mess is from toys, and my kids' obvious inability to pick up after themselves.  It's no use getting all frustrated about it - I just have to let it go - do what I can - ask for help.  It was all so simple in my mind.  So, that's what I did.

For the rest of the afternoon, the kids cleaned their mess, my sister helped Peanut clean her room and then helped Butter clean his.  My brother helped me in my office.  We got all of the books off the floor, got them on the bookshelves where they belong, and went about turning my office back into my "oasis" of calm and productivity.  It didn't really even take that long, with help.

The house still isn't perfect.  I'm OK with that.  The important lesson I learned from my meltdown was that the mess is insignificant.  I have to do what I can, ask for help when I need it, and it will all fall into place.  My biggest accomplishment from the entire day was learning how to deal with my frustration - I just had to simply sit for a few minutes and de-clutter my mind.  I took a second to think about the goals on my list - sorting Jada's toys was one, but cleaning the entire house was not.  I am so conditioned to my "to-do" list that I have one constantly in my head....I had to let that go. 

I now truly believe that my goal to reach inner happiness and fulfillment is going to take time, it's going to be challenging.  I have to learn to recondition my mind, only focus on the the things I think are important...I'm positive I can do it. 

PNOTD:

"If you spend all of your time focused on the small and insignificant areas of your life - when do you have time for the big and significant?"

Till next time.  ;)

A New Journey or Just a Fantasy World?

When I read a book, I get totally and completely lost and memorized in it.  OK, let me start that one again - because that's not true.  When I read a good book, one that I have chosen to read for enjoyment, relaxation, and is generally for adults that's when I get totally and completely lost and memorized.  As I read through the pages, I become the main character or an on-looker watching all of the drama unfold before my eyes.  Once the book or my time reading a few chapters is over, I come back to my world, my reality, and life goes on.

Yesterday, I started reading a new book...a book I wanted to read.  Yes, folks, I found time to open a book and begin reading for enjoyment.  A luxury I haven't had in way too long.  I wanted to read this book because I had been told by several people that it would be a great book for me because of "my situation".  By that I assumed they were referring to my crazy life, my hectic schedule, and all of the stress I've been under lately. 

So, while in Little Rock, I found the book at a cheap bookstore and bought it.  I didn't really think I would get to read it any time soon - but something came over me yesterday to be a little rebellious.  I had this urge to forget about the mountain of homework that still waits for me and just take a little time to enjoy some reading.  That's exactly what I did.

I opened the book and began reading.  Within two pages, I was swept up in being the main character.  I could see her pain, feel her frustrations, and related with her in more ways than I imagined.  When I stopped reading, I couldn't shake her.  I didn't immediately come back to my world - I kept her in my mind.  I went about having dinner and taking care of a few things that I had planned on doing.  After all of that was over with, I went back to the book. 

Again, as I read I felt her words - envied her visions, her inspirations, her devotion to take risks and think about herself - for once.  It was then that I began to realize why I had so much trouble disconnecting from the book after reading it - I wanted to be like that.  I wanted to throw away all of the stresses, the schedules, the frustrations - and just think about me, find a way to discover and connect with a side of myself that has been lost for a while now. 

I then stopped reading, found a journal that had never been opened and a pen, and I began to write.  Words flowed from me faster than I could write them.  I started a journal, of sorts.  What I was writing was different than what I discuss here - it was somehow more meaningful...not that my blog isn't meaningful - it's just very hard to describe.

After only 15 minutes, I had filled about 5 pages.  I had made the decision as I was writing that I am now going on my own journey - a new journey.  I'm not leaving the country, or my home. I'm going on a journey within - a soul searching journey, if you will. A journey filled with enjoyment, goals, purpose.  Gone are the "to-do" lists that I prepare each and every day.  In their place I will be creating little goals for me to accomplish now, bigger goals to accomplish over time.  If you're thinking that I'm just creating a fancy new name for the "to-do" list - then you're wrong.  The horrid "to-do" list has anywhere from 10-30 items on it at all times.  Clean, laundry, grocery shopping, lesson plans, reflections, homework....on and on it goes.  As soon as something is checked off, I find another to take it's place.  My goals list is different because I chose just 2-3 things that are important for me each day.  Yesterday's goals were:  condense Jelly's toys ready for Christmas; play a game with the kids; start reading a book for enjoyment.  That was it, that was the list...and I accomplished everything.  It felt great - and I feel great.

So, after this EXTREMELY long post, the point is I am now working on becoming a new person.  This all plays hand in hand with what Denise Brennan-Nelson told me in Little Rock, and the book just seemed to be a sign of how to get the wheels in motion.  I want to discover a way to handle everything that life throws at me - but always focus on the things that are important.  It will take time - something that I believe to always have too little of -but I want this, I need this.  I will succeed! 

PNOTD:

 "If bumblebees can fly when they're not supposed to, imagine what could happen if we didn't let fear and doubt get in our way."

                                                                                                   Denise Brennan-Nelson

Till next time.  ;)

P.S.  If you're wondering what the book is - it's Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  A book I never thought would have such an impact on my life - and I'm only 1/4 of the way into the book.

I'm Back....Did You Miss Me??

I hope you missed me.  I know I missed all of you.  I can't believe I got to stay in the swankiest hotel in all of Little Rock, and they didn't have Wi-Fi Internet in the room...sheesh.

Denise Brennan-Nelson and I before
 the luncheon

So, I'm back from my two day adventure.  It was such a great time.  I got to listen to amazing speakers, meet one of my favorite children's authors, and bask in the freedom of being away from the normal hustle and bustle of life.

I'm not going to bore you with a recap of the whole conference, and the extra-curricular activities that happened while I was away...but I am going to share the experience of meeting one of my favorite authors, listening to her wonderfully powerful and motivational speeches, and the insights that I bring home thanks to her.

Who is this author, you ask?  Well, her name is Denise Brennan-Nelson.  She's the author of several children's books such as Buzzy the Bumblebee, Someday is Not a Day of the Week, and Willow.  She's won tons of awards, and Williow is on Oprah's childrens book list.  Despite all of that, she is the most energetic, humble, friendly, and down-to-earth "celebrity" I've ever met. 

The fantastic lunch I had during the luncheon

I got to meet Denise on Thursday when she was hosting a luncheon for 75 student teachers.  I was lucky enough to have snagged a ticket for that, and I was so excited about it.  When I got there, she came over to our table and introduced herself.  She was so friendly - talking to us like she'd known us forever.  I was lucky enough to get a photo with her.  I loved listening to her talk so much that I decided to go to the break-out session she was hosting yesterday.  The session was about her book Someday is Not a Day of the Week.  What a powerful message she gave in that session.

Denise touched on the importance of living life in the now, not putting off the important things in life, setting goals and doing everything possible to reach them, and the most important part of her message: taking care of ourselves.  By the time the talk was over, I felt uplifted, ready to take on new challenges, finish the challenges I've been struggling with - and taking care of myself in the process.



Denise Brennan-Nelson speaking

 Denise signed two books of hers that I had picked up while at the conference.  I felt like a little teenager meeting their favorite teen idol for the first time.  I've read her books, I've used her books in the classroom - to hear her story now adds new meaning each time I pick up one of her great books. 

Meeting Denise was the highlight of the entire trip.  Don't get me wrong, I listened to other great speakers, learned a lot, gained some valuable resources, and had a FANTABULOUS time with my gal-pals.  It was three days in which "The Unit" didn't matter, other homework didn't matter...OK, so they mattered - we basically remained on constant "hunt" mode to find resources and ideas for the unit - but none of it stressed us out.  In the evenings we relaxed, we enjoyed each other's company, we laughed...just what I needed.

Things are different for me.  My stress level is now basically back to normal.  I feel clear-headed, refreshed, ready to tackle the world...and my first goal on my agenda?  Spend the entire day with my kids.  I've missed them - and they deserve some "mommy time".  That's what they're going to get...which I'm going to start...NOW!

My wonderful gal-pals and I our first day

PNOTD:

"Moral is like a bank account.  If you keep giving it out and making withdrawals and never taking time to make some deposits, you will eventually become overdrawn and bankrupt"

                                                                                                                 Denise Brennan-Nelson

Till next time.  ;)

See Ya....

It's here...the day is finally here.  In a few short hours, I will be in my car and on my way to my three day getaway.  I get to spend 3 1/2 hours in the car with three great friends....yes, ROAD TRIP!!!  HA!  Then, we spend two nights in a luxurious hotel.  OK, so during the day we'll be attending break-out sessions and general sessions...but they are with famous authors and the best of the best in the world of literacy and education.  The "best of the best" is my personal opinion - don't want to say anything I'm not supposed to.  I am actually excited to learn new things - it's truly going to be an educational experience.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  My second graders spent the morning taking tests - and then I had the pleasure of trying to teach an hour long math lesson.  Well, I had to teach an hour long math test that was being observed by my university liaison.  I knew that the teaching would be tough...the kids would be antsy, they would struggle with concentrating, and it was going to be very hard to keep them under control long enough to get them to learn.  All of those things happened.  Luckily for me, the kids absolutely LOVE math - and I will boost my ego up enough to say that I know how to motivate these kids to want to do math.  Yes, they struggled a little with listening to my explaining and showing examples - but when it came down to them working and doing the assignment....they did what they were supposed to.  All in all, it wasn't a complete flop...it wasn't a disaster...it was OK.

So, I'm going away for a few days - I'm leaving work behind me.  Now you know what's physically going on with me - but I figure I should update a little on my mental "situations". 

I'm still crazy...just kidding, well maybe.  After the weekend I had this past weekend, I'm not as crazy.

Things have calmed with Butter.  The phone calls have stopped - for now - and he's basically been keeping his head down...which I will take. 

I still have a mountain of work that needs to be completed by December 7th. I have a plan in place - staying with the plan will be the challenge from now until then.

My stress level is back down to "tolerable".  My loyal readers know that tolerable is still unacceptable - but I think if I can keep it in the tolerable range between now and May 14th..when I walk across the stage and receive my diploma...I will be happy.

I did not participate in the final weigh-in for the Biggest Loser competition.  I'm a little disappointed - but right now I have bigger fish to fry, and I'm not going to let it bother me.  I know that I've been doing a lot of emotional eating the past month - the scale shows me the effect it's had on me.  I'm the only one that can make those changes, and get back on the road to losing the weight.  January 17th is my anniversary of starting my "journey" and I will matter what the scale says on that day...I don't have time to worry about it now.

I'm ready for the holidays.  As much as I was stressing about being able to give the kids a little Christmas - I have moved along in that...and even though they aren't going to have the "extravaganza" of a Christmas they're used to, I still think they will be happy.

OK - so that's what's going on with me right now, at this very second.  I've noticed that there has been no comments on my blog lately.  I'm OK with that - I reiterate that I really don't write my blog for the purpose of others...it's my therapy.  I assume that the posts that have spilled out from me lately are far from amusing or interesting...I understand.  Hopefully, now that I'm feeling a little better, things can change with that.

PNOTD:

Till next time.  ;)

"When you feel like you can't fit another thing on your plate - then don't.  Focus on eating what you have, and if you have room....go back for more.  Trying to eat too much at once will ultimately make you sick."

A Few Nerves Bubbling Within

It's Tuesday....just one more day to go.  One more day to get through - then I'm off.  Off for a 3 day conference.  Off for Thanksgiving break.  I don't return to school Nov. 29th. 

I know you won't believe me, but I'm not excited about being away from school that long.  OK, I am excited - but more for the opportunity to have a few days to really buckle down on all the work I have to do.  I know - there's that word again....work.  **Insert eye roll**

I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I mention the word "work" I'd be one very rich woman.  I'm kind of sick of it being the most used word in my vocabulary.  I bet I couldn't get though a single day without uttering it at least 6 times.  Geez.

So, today I'm going to be observed while I'm teaching.  No biggie, right?  Oh yes - biggie.  It's a formal evaluation - the big kahuna - a practice run of what I'll go through when I apply for my teaching license.  My stomach is a little on edge right now - well, that's definitely an understatement.  I must of swallowed a flock of seagulls in my sleep last night, and right now they are trying to find a way out.  I wouldn't mind butterflies - butterflies 'flutter'...how can there be something scary about a word like flutter?  I'm not feeling fluttering - I'm feeling full on scratching, clawing, tilt-a-whirl belly flops.  Not really sure why I'm this nervous - it's not really like me to get this way.  I'm just ready to get it over with - then these damn seagulls can go back to where they came from.

After work I'm going straight to the track.  I didn't get there last night.  *Warning* Lame excuse is about to follow:  I stayed at work to discuss my lesson for today with my mentor.  We hashed out some changes and some ideas for me to use.  I got caught up on a mountain of paperwork that I've been putting off.  I did some reflecting on my lesson plans.  I look at my watch and it's already after 4.  I know what you're thinking..4? Whoopty doo.  Most people are still at work.  Well, my school gets out at 2:30 - so giving myself some credit, I'd already stayed almost 2 hours late.  I looked at my gym bag.  I could hear the tears from within it - as it realized I was going to leave it sitting where it was for yet another day. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.  A good run would have probably been great.  I didn't do it.  Oh well, no time to wallow....I will go tonight.  Then, after my good run, I will be heading home to prepare for my 3 day adventure....my getaway...yes, I will dare to say it: My mini vacation. 

I will be cleaning out my car, packing my bags, getting my GPS directions ready to go....I can't wait...no, really, I can't wait.  I feel like the kids in the Disney World commercials - I want to jump on my bed with excitement. 

OK - so I don't know if it's the nerves or the excitement that is making me ramble on and on - but I have to stop NOW.  Time to get ready for work...the place I go every day to increase my teaching knowledge and skills.

PNOTD:

"Sometimes it's OK to sweat the small stuff - as long as you're prepared with a towel to wipe it away.."

Till next time.  ;)

Ssshhh, What's That??

I know it's only been 7 hours since I posted my last entry.  I have to stay in my routine, or I'll get all messed up. Right now, I'm listening to the hum of the house.  There's nothing more relaxing than being the only one awake, and having complete peace and quiet.  I'm ready for this week.  After the amazing weekend I had, I'm fully charged and rearing to take on whatever is thrown at me. 

Tomorrow is the final weigh-in for the Biggest Loser competition.  I'm not going to win.  I'm still on the fence about whether or not I'll even participate in the final weigh-in.  I know that I've gained a few pounds the past couple of weeks - so unless all of the other competitors lost absolutely nothing - I don't stand a chance.  This time last week, I was really disappointed in myself.  Not only was I disappointed that I basically let myself go - but because I let go of the chance of winning $150.  Lord knows, I need it right now.  This week, I'm still disappointed, just not as much.  I realized that I've been dealing with A LOT the past couple of weeks.  Not only the crazy of school and teaching...but the incidents with Butter has also really had me standing on the cliff of staying sane.  This weekend, I realized that not winning a weight loss competition is small fish compared to the whoopers I've been hooking lately.

Even though it's too late for the competition -  I really plan on getting some much needed exercise in this week.  I have a golden opportunity.  Jelly is staying at my mom's house until Wednesday.  Being that I'm going out of town on Wednesday, my awesome parents volunteered to keep Jelly at their house until then so that I can focus on getting everything ready - and so that my mom can make her way over here on Wednesday whenever she feels like.  I will admit, I'm already missing her.  It was weird last night being able to work on the couch without a single distraction...but I missed the late night snuggles.  I missed "momma, carry me to bed?"  I missed the 3 or 4 goodnight kisses before she finally decides to go to sleep.  OK - must move on.  What was I talking about?  Oh, getting the chance to exercise...

So, being that Jelly is at my mom's the next two days - I don't have to rush off from work to pick her up from daycare.  That means there's no excuses, no time restraints.  It will be me and my own stupidity if I don't take the chance to get out to the track.  My work-out clothes are ready and waiting to be used - might as well make them happy.  I'm sure I will feel even better, also.

Well, it's time for me to start getting ready for work.  Everyone have a great Monday. 

PNOTD:

"When the world seems dark, and you continue to hear the expression "there's light at the end of the tunnel" reach out and ask someone for a flashlight...it doesn't completely take away the darkness, but allows you enough light to see straight."

Till next time.  ;)

Weekend Warrior

Wow, what a weekend it has been.  Despite the fact that I'm writing my post at 10:05 at night - I feel rejuvenated, refreshed...my stress level has gone from a 14 on a scale from 1-10 down to a 5.  In a matter of 2 days, I've managed to control the crazy that is my life - the feelings, the stress, being constantly on the verge of tears.  For the first time in several weeks, I finally feel like I can handle all of the crap that's piled on my plate.

Instead of giving you a full recap of my weekend - I'm going to keep it brief.  I've decided I'm just going to do a little "things I'm thankful for" post instead.  It will hopefully kill two birds with one stone: a recap and an explanation of why I'm suddenly all sunshine instead of the rainstorm that I've been lately.  Here goes:

1.  I'm thankful for my wonderful, amazing, terrific fiance.  He gave me the opportunity to get out of the house for a full day (and night) to have the opportunity to get some work done and to release some stress.  Not only that, but he also cleaned the entire house while I was "dealing with my issues". 
2. I'm thankful for wonderful friends.  Having close friends to bounce ideas off of, friends that are in the same boat as me - in regards to school - and know what I'm going through. 
3. I'm thankful for Sanity.  OK, so she fits in the last one too - but she deserves her own.  She's there to listen when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm so frustrated I'm ready to rip my hair out, and when I'm so stressed I want to bury myself in a pile of blankets and never come out.  She is the one person that I can share my deepest secrets with - and know that she will hold no judgment.  I can be totally myself around her - and know that she loves me, no matter what.  I can be be crazy, stupid, and do things that I will forever regret with her...and love every minute of it.
4. I'm thankful that I got to get out of the house for a full day to work on "the unit".  The big project.  The cause of 60% of my stress lately.  No, I didn't finish it - not even close - but having the one day to escape to work on it was worth it.  I now feel like I know where I'm going, have gotten a great start, and now feel certain that I will be able to finish it in time.
5. Lastly, I'm thankful to have amazing parents.  They are always there to help me when I need it - like taking Jelly for two days while I prepare for my trip.  Also, a mother who is willing to come and spend 3 days at my house just so I get the opportunity to go away and a father that is OK with the fact that his wife won't be around for 3 days.

So, this weekend has been great.  I feel better.  This week is going to be great.  I'm at work for two days, and then I'm off to a teaching conference for 3 days.  I'm really looking forward to that - just for the break more than anything.  OK, now I really have to get to bed - 4am is going to come very quickly.

PNOTD:
"Always show your appreciation for those closest to you.  They are the people that will be there when you really need them."

Till next time.  ;)