Back to the Grind

I actually expected to feel much crankier this morning.  I mean, I had a week off work that flew by too quickly, I was up late last night, and I slept terribly....apart from that, I'm not feeling cranky at all.

Last night, I really had a hard time going to sleep.  Once I got there, my body wouldn't stay there.  There's nothing worse than looking at the clock and seeing the hours pass by in what seems like minutes.  I'm not really sure what was wrong with me.  I was tired - it was a long day yesterday.  I had to take my little brother and sister home to Oklahoma.  I didn't get home until after 6 last night, and then had to cook dinner and finish up some lesson plans for the week.  I finally got to bed at 11.  Then Jelly woke up a couple of times - so that kept me awake until midnight.  Once back in bed, I just couldn't get my mind to quit working.  Why is it, I can sit in front of my laptop for hours - and not a single idea or spark will go off, but the minute I try and go to sleep my head is full of them?  It was so bad last night, that I actually contemplated getting up and working.  If it wasn't for the fact that I had to be up at 4am, I probably would have.

So, I finally got to sleep, only to wake up at 2 and then again at 3.  When the alarm went off at 4 I hit the snooze button.  Then I laid there, worrying that I wouldn't have enough time to write my blog and print out my lesson plans for the week or any of the other stuff I do between 4 and when it's time to leave.  Needless to say, I got up, got the coffee going, and started getting ready for work.

I'm not sure why I'm so dedicated to getting up at 4am - or in this morning's case 4:30.  I really don't have to leave for work until around 6:15.  I love the quiet of the house when I get up.  I love having the chance to have a cup of coffee - or two - before the kids get up.  It's funny how even with such little sleep, I still manage to drag myself out of bed an hour before I have to....but I do.

I know it's weird to say, or admit, but regardless of the lack of sleep I'm actually looking forward to going back to work.  I miss my kiddos when I'm gone, and thanks to the conference I've been gone for almost 2 weeks.  That's a long time to be away from them.

I think I've said this many times, but this week is going to probably be the most stressful week thus far for me.  I really want to knock out EVERYTHING that's homework based - which now is just the Unit.  I'm going to try something I've never done before.  I'm going to take my laptop to work with me and try and knock out some of the unit while I'm on my break and during my planning time.  Maybe I'll have a little more inspiration if I'm working on it while in my classroom - let's hope, anyway.

I know that once I've said good riddance to the Unit, I will have my life back again.  I will have inspiration to write about other stuff, I will be able to fill my time with my kids, watch Christmas movies, reading, maybe some meditating and working-out (GASP!!)....oh, it all sounds so good...so close to reality.  I can almost taste the freedom.  I'm not sure I remember what life is like without the burden of homework - without something being due, having something to work on.  I can't wait to get my creative juices flowing again so that I'm not boring you all with the same topic over and over and over and....well, you get it. 

I used to think I was OK at this blogging stuff - until I spent an hour reading over my posts from the last couple of months.  Wow, what a snooze fest - no wonder the comments have disappeared.  Why anyone has chosen to read my ramblings is beyond me - but I love everyone of you that does and has.  I promise you all that after this week (fingers crossed) I will be finding more exciting stuff to talk about.  Right now, my life is consumed with the Unit - so it's not surprising that my blog is consumed with it too.  If you can bare it any longer - try to stick with me.  If you've had enough - I understand - but come back next week...don't disappear forever.  Believe me, I'm just as ready as you are to have some new material.

PNOTD:

"When there's no one else around to give you the encouragement that you need, strap on a pair of pom-poms and be your own cheerleader."

Till next time.  ;)

Chrismas Buzz

I'm really starting to get into the Christmas spirit.  I was kind of worried that I wouldn't get the fuzzies like I get most years...just because things have been so stressful lately.  Luckily for me, the fuzzies have conquered - and I'm in full blown Christmas mode.

Since Thanksgiving day, I've been sipping from the spirit glass.  The plan was just to get a little excited...but not tipsy.  I still have to concentrate and work hard this next week to get everything finished.  Unfortunately for me, I drank too much....the spirit got to me and now I'm warm and fuzzy and happy and giddy and excited and all those great feelings that come with Christmas spirit.

If you're reading this and thinking "oh, that's nice...she needed some cheering up" well, yes I did - but not yet, not right now.  I don't want to be a Scrooge...but I really can't focus on school work when all I want to do is watch Christmas movies, drink egg-nog, and snuggle up on the couch in front of a crackling fire and twinkling Christmas lights.

So, how do I fix it?  How do I try to compact the fuzzies - just for a while - and get everything accomplished like I'm supposed to?  Well, there's only one way to do it.  It means plugging Christmas music into my ear while I'm at my desk and pounding away until I'm done.  I don't want to think "well I still have over a week to finish".... no, I want to be done NOW!!  The sooner I'm done the sooner I can do all the wonderful Christmassy things - without feeling guilty. 

So, that's exactly what I'm going to do.  All I have left to do is the Unit.  I've finished everything else - WOO HOO!!  Yes, I'm so happy.  Now is the big Kahuna...the big cheese... the project that has literally pushed me to the edge and straight over it.  There is no more excuses, no more distractions, just me and the Unit - mono a mono.  The fight till the death, and I'm pretty sure I will be the victor. 

In other Christmas related news:  Little Jelly has caught Christmas fever.  It started out Thanksgiving night when the Christmas tree was going up.  To her, though, the tree was "pretty" but of course she really has/had no idea what was going on.  The next night she sat with me while we watched The Polar Express.  That was it - she was hooked.  She loved it.  Yesterday, I made all of the kids videos from Santa. 

Oh, side plug.... if you have kids, friends, family - anyone - that you want to send a creative Christmas message to, you should visit http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/  It's a website that allows you to create a customized video from Santa.  It's so much fun, realistic - and my kids absolutely LOVED IT!!! 

So, back to my story....Jelly has watched her video from Santa about 15 times.  She thinks it's the coolest thing EVER. Santa talks to her, uses her name, shows her a gift that she asked for (she really likes that part).  Last night, Jelly watched Santa Clause 3 and Polar Express with me. 

It's a big deal for me to have Jelly so excited about Christmas.  Peanut and Butter are getting older now.  They say they still believe in Santa, but I feel it's because they think they might not get Christmas if they say otherwise.  Hubby is a Scrooge.  He really can't stand Christmas.  Don't get him started or you'll hear all about the commercialism and excuses to spend money, blah, blah, blah.  So, with the two older kids loosing the magic - I needed Jelly to stick with me, be my Christmas believer.  I think she's ready - and a mall Santa is definitely in our near future. 

OK - Operation: GET THE DAMN UNIT FINISHED is commencing.  I want to be done, Christmas is coming - and I want to celebrate for as long as possible.  Work begins in T minus 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3....

PNOTD:

"Find determination and anything is possible"

2, 1.....

Till next time!!

Dear Motivation...

I know that I took most of the day Wednesday and all day Thursday off from doing homework, but yesterday I was supposed to get a lot of homework done.  I didn't, and now I'm very upset.  I know that you are completely burned out, tired, ready for a break - but the end is in sight.  We just have to get through this next week, and then you can rest all you want.

I still have so much to do.  I have the group paper to write, the lesson plans for next week's lessons, and 75% of the Unit left to finish.  The lesson plans and the group paper really need to be finished by Monday.  I know that's a lot to ask - but we can do it.  We just need to work together, and we can knock it out in no time. 

If you work with me to get these things done, we won't have to do anymore homework until January.  Can you imagine?  A whole month off of doing homework.  I really want to work extra hard today and tomorrow to get the group project and the lesson plans out of the way.  I promise to give you little breaks, when you need them, but we really have to knock it out of the park today - OK?

Your boss,
Joanna


Dear Brain,

The boss lady wrote me a letter about all the homework she still has to finish.  Does she not know how tired we all are?  That woman has had us working non-stop since August!  Whoppty doo, she gave us two days off this week - but now she wants to put us on double time to make up for it.  Is she crazy?

I'm not sure why she just wrote the letter to me, I'm not the only reason she's having a hard time getting anything done. I know that all of the distractions - like her family being in the house, the Christmas movies...they aren't helping me any.  How does she expect me to do my job when she sits in front of the TV? 

Anyway, I know you're just as burned out as I am - but I can't do what she asks without you.  She's going to need your power to make me go, and she's going to need you to come up with all this stuff that she has to get done in the next week.  Not really sure why she wrote to me in the first place - you're the most important part to this whole equation.

Your friend,
Motivation


To all that I control:

My dear friend, Motivation, just let me know that the boss isn't very happy.  Of course, I knew this -I know everything that goes on with her.  She chose to contact Motivation - which is understandable.  She has this delusion that Motivation is running the show - of course, we all know better.

You all know that I've really been feeling the burdens that the boss has - and I'm very tired.  I want more than any of you to be done with this whole mess - but we have to see it to the end.  You know it's not in our blood to quit.  That is why, I am contacting you all.  Effective immediately, we are all going to work together - as equals - to help our stressed out leader complete the tasks that have been asked of her.  We all know that the next week is going to be tough.  It's probably going to mean little sleep for us all.  I know that we can do it.  To help us a little more, I've come up with a few special tasks that I need to delegate, in order to be the most effective body we can be:

• Stomach: Make sure the woman remembers to eat...and it wouldn't hurt to recommend a few healthy choices and try and avoid all the junk.
• Legs: You're going to really have to work on being so restless.  Any time she sits down at her desk, you get the urge to move her.  Try and stay focused, relax a little when she's working.
• Bladder:  You're big, your strong...show your power now.  I know she keeps drinking the coffee by the gallons - but be resilient!! 
• Fingers:  You're going to have to work the closest with me this week.  I know that you and I haven't really gotten along very well lately.  The connection between us seems to have gotten strained or lost somewhere...but we must now come together once again as a team.  As I give you the ideas, you have to type them.
• Nose and lungs:  OK, she's been sick all week - don't you think enough is enough?  She really can't focus when she's sneezing, coughing, or wheezing.  If you two don't pull yourself together, things are fuzzy for me.  It's hard for me to see how everyone else is doing if I'm in a fog - you two are the ones causing the fog.  It's time to give it a rest, now.  You've had your fun.
• Heart:  My equal, my friend....you are stronger than any of us here.  Whenever I want to quit, you are the one that pulls me back to my senses.  She really needs you this week more than ever.  I know that she's counting on you - probably more than the rest of us.  In my opinion, I think the woman thinks that you and Motivation are the same.  I want you to stand with me and help control everyone - you've always been the nice one, but this week...you're going to have to be strict - like me.
• To everyone else:  Work as a team.  If you work under one of the mentioned parts listed above - do what your supervisor asks. 

This is it, folks.  We've been training for this moment for many years.  We always knew that the stress levels wouldn't hold - and eventually she would reach her breaking point.  Well, that time has come.  Do your best.  I can't ask for anything better than that.  Let's make her proud.

Your fearless leader,
Brain

Christmas Countdown Begins

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving - just like I did.  It was awesome, actually.  The weather was TERRIBLE - icy, cold...just how I LOVE it!!  Poor Hubby didn't care for it, as he had to cook the turkey on the grill out on the back deck - but he did a fantastic job, regardless of the frost bite.

I cooked everything else - ham, potatoes, veg, etc.  For the first time since I've hosted Thanksgiving at my house, I didn't have a single problem with ANYTHING.  Everything came out perfect.  My timing was perfect - the whole meal was...well...perfect.

I didn't lose my patience with anyone, I didn't get ticked off, my parents didn't argue, the kids all got along with each other....there was laughing and jokes and compliments and adult conversation.  I couldn't of asked for a better day.



My finished Christmas tree

 As the day came to a close and my parents decided to head home, Thanksgiving was pretty much over for me.  On the night of Thanksgiving, there's only one thing that runs through my mind....no it's not those stupid Black Friday sales....it's decorating for Christmas.

Thanksgiving night is my official kick-off to my Christmas countdown.  The tree comes out.  The Christmas music goes on.  After stringing lights and decorating the tree, it's time to curl up on the couch in front of a crackling fire and watch a Christmas movie - or two.  Last night's picks were The Santa Clause and Elf. 

When the movies were over, I curled up in bed for the night.  I realized for the first day - in way too long - I wasn't preoccupied with school or how much homework I have to do.  I got to spend the whole day with my family - doing family things. 


Of course, things are "life as usual" today.  Back to homework, back to the stupid unit.  I have to go back to work on Monday - and there's still a week's worth of lesson plans waiting to be written.  I have exactly 11 days (including today) until the unit is due.  That is the day I get to kiss it goodbye - until January anyway, but that's a whole different project, a whole different story.  I am going to work my little heart out to get all of the work finished and completed this week.  I'm ready for it to be gone - I'm ready to be able to enjoy my Christmas...and that officially starts the day I turn all of the work in.  The race is on and it begins in three, two, one....NOW!!

PNOTD:
"Just 11 more days and I can have my life back for a month!"

Till next time.  ;)

My Thanksgiving Thanks

It's only fitting to do a Thanksgiving post about the things I'm thankful for.  The list is in no apparent order, I will type them as they pop into my head:

I am thankful for...

My Hubby.  My soul-mate, my best-friend.  He doesn't hesitate to clean, cook, and take care of  the kids.  He is my shoulder to cry on, my brick wall to kick when I need to, and will listen - no matter how much he doesn't want to.

Peanut.  My oldest daughter.  The "assistant manager mommy" of the house.  Despite the fact that she's only 10 years old, she has helped me take care of things around the house, take care of her little sister and make things easier for me when things are at the craziest.  She never asks for anything in return, and never ceases to amaze me with her kindness.

Butter.  My middle child.  I am thankful that he has kept me on my toes.  Even though it's been no bed of roses with Butter this year, I'm thankful that he's made me realize that I have other priorities than just school.

Jelly.  My sweet, playful, energetic, bundle of pure joy.  She keeps me laughing when all I want to do is cry.  I'm so thankful for her amusing sayings, her ability to help me see the logic behind the illogical, and her snuggles late at night. 

My parents.  I am thankful for their understanding when they don't hear from me in weeks, their willingness to help whenever I need it.  I am thankful for my mom being there whenever I need someone to talk to - no matter what time of the day and night.

Sanity.  For being my sanity.  For dragging me away when I can't take another second of homework, and making me forget all about it for one night.  For the encouraging words and the support.  I will always be thankful that she helped me get through my final year in college.

OK, now all the cutesy stuff is out of the way here are a few more that I have to throw in to the mix...

The Unit:  My never-ending school project.  The project that has consumed my life the past three months.  Thank you for making me realize how much I'm SO ready to be done with school!!

Amazon.com:  Because my life is so consumed by The Unit, I thank Amazon being available to get some Christmas shopping done...cause Lord knows I would not have done any without it.

Facebook.  Without Facebook, I would have had hardly any contact with anyone the past three months.  Thank you for keeping me connected to the world while I'm in my cave working on that damn Unit.

December Mommies Forum:  My virtual family. Thank you for being there the past three years.  It's been so nice to have wonderful woman to talk to, share stories with, and go to for support when I'm in my cave...YES, working on the damn unit.

My Blog and blog followers:  For listening to me bitch and whine about my life.  I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for, yet I come here far too often and banter on about how hard life is.  Thank you for never judging me, being a great listener, and letting me get my thoughts out in the world.

Eat, Pray, Love: The book I'm reading one or two pages at a time.  The first book I've read for pleasure in way too long.  The book I will still probably be reading in May, when I graduate.  I'm thankful for offering me calming words, giving me a new outlook on life, and making me realize that I am happy - regardless of that damn Unit.

Denise Brennan-Nelson: One of my favorite children's authors.  I'm thankful for the lecture you gave, and that I was there to hear it.  You have me a whole new perspective on life - one that will lead to a happier me....hopefully.

For anyone else that I'm forgetting:  I'm thankful for you too, but because of the damn Unit I've forgotten to mention you separately....it's all the Unit's fault.

Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

PNOTD:
"Take two seconds to think of who you're thankful for, and then take a few more seconds to let the people you're thankful for know."

Till next time.  ;)

Need a Plunger - For my Nose

Yep, still sick.  Not better, but not worse thank goodness.  I was hoping that if I try and rest today, I'll feel a little better by tomorrow....then I remember, I can't rest today.  It's the day before Thanksgiving, my family are coming here tomorrow, which means my house has to be clean.

Maybe working up a good sweat by cleaning will also help flush this crud out of me - I can hope.  Right now, I'm just praying to all things Holy that I have my tastebuds back in working order tomorrow.  My nose is so stopped up that I haven't been able to taste anything in more than 24 hours.  It's going to really bite the big one if I spend all day preparing a cooking a great meal - only to not be able to taste it.  I'm having butter rum pecan pie!!! I'm pretty sure it's a crime against Thanksgiving to not be able to taste such a wonderful treat.

This year, Thanksgiving in my house is going to be much smaller than it used to be.  Four years ago, while 8 1/2 months pregnant with Jelly, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my parents, my grandparents, my pseudo mother-in-law, my real in-laws, my brother and sister, and my kids.  Then slowly over the years, that number has dwindled down.  Now I'm down to just having my parents, my brother and my sister. 

Some people might take it personal.  I can't.  I have been so consumed with school the past couple of years - it's all my fault that my extended family isn't going to be here with me. 

For the past three years, I only really saw my grandparents on special occasions: birthdays, summer parties, Christmas.  This year, I haven't seen them since Christmas.  How horrible is that?  Now, they just don't want to make the 1 1/2 hour drive here anymore.  I can't fault them for that.  It's a long drive - and they're getting older.  They'd much rather stay in the comfort and warmth of their own home.

Up until this semester, I saw my in-laws almost every day.  My mother-in-law would babysit Jelly while I was in school.  Then, once I began my internship, it was too much trouble to drive Jelly all the way to their house...I can't say it was too much trouble, it wasn't feasible...there that sounds better.  Anywho, since I don't take Jelly over there anymore, I have seen my in-laws about three times since June and today.  Again, very embarrassing on my part.

My pseudo mother-in-law is like another mother to me.  It's a long story as to why I call her my "pseudo mother-in-law" but that's just what she is.  Again, before this semester began, we spent a lot of time together.  I haven't seen her once since the fall semester began...not once in three months.  SHAMEFUL!!

Reading back over what I've typed, I can't help but swallow a lump that is building in my throat.  I know that my family loves me and supports me, and I'm sure they understand why they haven't seen me...but it hurts a lot to know that school has consumed me so much that I haven't even had any contact with the ones I love the most.  The time of year when I should be embracing my family. Instead I hold my head down in shame knowing that they won't be here with me because I was too damn busy to contact them and invite them.  I was too damn busy to stay in contact, and just make a quick call every now and then to let them know that I haven't abandoned them...but no, I didn't even do that.

All I can do now is learn a valuable lesson from all of this.  I have just six months left until I graduate.  Six months until the hard work, sleepless nights, and the "I'm too busy right now" attitude is gone.  I could just say I'll wait for the time to go buy, and then work on repairing all of the wrong that I've done in regards to my family - but I can't.  I have to do something now.  I love my family very much.  This gives me a new long-term goal to add to my list:  I will spend the next year making up to my family for abandoning them.  My goal is that this time next year, I will have a house full of the people that mean the most to me - even if I have to drive all the way to them and drag them here kicking and screaming.  Next year, I will have a huge Thanksgiving...and I will be truly happy again.

Alright, I guess it's time to get to work cleaning my house. 

PNOTD:

"Sometimes life takes over, and before you know it - time has passed. There's no way to get back the time that has been lost, but there is time to make up for it now."

Till next time.  ;)

Really? Two Days Before Thanksgiving?

I'm sick.  Whoopie Dee for me - NOT!!  It's not just a little stuffiness either - it's full blown sore throat, cough, and runny nose.  Technically, this is the perfect time for me to get sick - because I'm already off work all week - but I'm also the person that hosts Thanksgiving dinner at my house.

My family will all be arriving Thursday morning, and the last thing I want to greet them with is germs.  I do all of the cooking, except for the turkey.  Hubby cooks that on the grill.  I just have to hope that whatever this stuff is - it's gone, or at least non-contagious by Thursday.  I'm not canceling Thanksgiving, no way, no how!

On a brighter note, yesterday was a great day.  The kids were at school, Jelly was at daycare, Hubby was in bed sleeping...I was at my computer, in my office, pounding away.  I had my "study music" on, a candle burning (not that I could smell it) and was totally relaxed as I worked.  This is a totally new experience for me.  I can't remember a single time that I was working from home - really working - and totally relaxed and stress free.  It felt fantastic.  It felt so good, I will be doing the same thing today.

Yesterday, I also made a very big decision.  It's a decision that I really made several weeks ago, but haven't faced the reality of it.  I haven't worked out in...oh...urm...well, several weeks.  I haven't felt the desire to - and that makes me sad. I've also been on a roller coaster with my eating.  I have NOT been sticking to healthy choices - and I'm sure if I got on the scale right now, this very second, I would be in complete despair.  That's why I'm not going to.  My big decision is, I'm not going to worry about what the scale says, not working out, or about sticking to my healthy eating until January. 

Now, before you all think I'm giving up - I'm not.  This is just a vacation, if you will.  I have so much going on right now that the last thing I need to worry about is making food lists, menus, and fitting in working-out.  I need this time for me.  I have two weeks off in December - and minus Christmas day, I will probably spend those weeks catching up on the sleep that I have been so deprived from in the past 4 months.  It's not like I'm just stopping, like I said - I kind of made this decision several weeks ago. 

When I started my weight loss journey in January of this year, I was excited, motivated, ready to shed the pounds.  Now, I just don't feel that excitement anymore.  It's not because I don't want to do it - it's because I'm so busy with everything else that I panic at the thought about having to fit another thing into an already jam packed schedule. 

My goal - yes goal - is to start again January 1st.  No, it's not my new year's resolution...it's just my goal.  I'm not going to completely gorge myself over the next month, but I'm not going to feel guilty or worry about what I'm eating either.  I lost 60lbs this year - I'm proud of that.  Next year, I want to beat that...and if I do, I will be at my "goal weight".  That's motivation, inspiration, and desire - and I will succeed.  I just need a break from it all right now.

PNOTD:

"Live life for today, focus on the important stuff that matters now.  If it's not that important, and can be put off for a while - put it off.  You have to take care of yourself before you can be expected to take care of anyone else."

Till next time.  ;)