I Interupt This Broadcast For Random Thoughts and Feelings

Probably not a lot of weight loss talk is going to happen today....so, if you're only interested in that stuff - you may want to come back tomorrow.  If you're OK listening to me ramble on about whatever should jump from my head, to the keyboard, and into this post...then, by all means, keep reading.

Yesterday was the type of day I refer to as a "rollercoaster day".  It was full of slow and steady ups, followed by fast, stomach churning downs.  I experienced emotions that changed so fast, it made my head spin.

The day started off like usual - me in front of my computer writing, checking emails, and stalking reading Facebook statuses.  I chatted with a couple of friends about the current woes of job searching, and looked at all of the school websites hunting for a new job posting that may have surfaced in the 12 hours since I last checked.... cause you know, jobs get posted during the middle of the night, right?

After my usual computer routine, I had to get ready to go and pick up Peanut from my friend's house.  She's been there since Friday...wait, you don't really need to know all that stuff, right?

Right before I was ready to head out the door to go and pick up Peanut - I received an email.  It was a response from a principle....no job offer by any means, but enough to perk my curiosity and get me pretty excited.  I responded to the email - and for the next several hours checked my email on my phone every 30 seconds.

During that time, I went out with a couple of friends and Peanut to see the new Harry Potter movie.  It was awesome!!  I was so sad at the end - being that the whole saga is over - but the movie ended perfectly...and I loved every minute of it.

So random recap....

Slow, steady increase for the start of my day.

Sudden heart stopping crash - after I receive the email.  It was a good, exciting, nail biting ride.

Another slow and steady uphill followed by an exciting fall....with the movie.  Great movie, sad it was over.

After the movie, I had to head to my mom's to pick up Jelly.  I was so excited to see her.  Even though she'd only been gone 3 days - it's always nice when she comes running to me like she hasn't seen me in months.  The hugs and kisses are AMAZING!! 

Slow increase with the drive to my mom's - happy downhill as I receive 3 year old hugs and kisses.

I excitedly tell my mom about the email I had received.  I have a bad habit of sharing information that probably shouldn't be shared until I get more information.... but excitement got the best of me...lesson learned, again.

On my way home, I receive the follow up email I'd been waiting for.....except it wasn't what I was waiting for.  It was to deliver bad news - I wasn't eligible for the job after all.  After such a great day - instantly my world crashed down around me. 

The rollercoaster came completely off the rails and was falling, out of control.

Then, I get home to hear that our AC went out all of a sudden....no rhyme or reason...just stopped working.

Icing on the cake???  Apparently.

Not only am I ticked off and upset about the email - but now I have to deal with no AC as I dwell in my self pity.  Hot and sweaty self-pity sucks hairy donkey balls, by the way.

There's only one way that I can deal with this kind of earth shattering pissiness - watching a couple of hours of True Blood.  I started watching True Blood a few weeks ago - and I'm completely hooked.

Eric Northman has the power to bring me out of the crappiest of moods. 

Rollercoaster is managing to find it's way back on to it's tracks.

This morning, I woke up and the house was hot....of course.  Hubby came home, decided to take another look at the AC, and discovered that a fuse had blown inside the indoor unit.  Could it be that we could fix our AC problem for pennies???  That NEVER happens to us. 

We're the kind of people that have bad things happen when we have no money... you know...like right now. 

Well, it was just the fuse!!  HALLAFREAKINLUJAH!!!

I'm now back in AC wonderland.  The house is much cooler already.  My mood is much better.

I told ya, just like a rollercoaster.  One thrill ride after another.

I warned you all this was going to be random, didn't I?  You're heads are all probably spinning just trying to keep up with all of this....that's kind of what my head feels like on a daily basis....so, now you're getting to get a little taste of my life...aren't you lucky??

Now that my AC is back on and my world is back in balance....I can get on with my plans for the day.  That would consist of doing nothing but laundry.  Oh, and searching job sites....and checking my email every 30 seconds hoping that maybe, just maybe I get another response from someone else.

Now, back to regularly scheduled programming....tomorrow....

Till next time. ;)

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Who's Getting Free Chocolate? Giveaway Winners Announced

That's it.  The giveaway is over.

I want to thank the eight people that entered the drawing.... I wish I had enough prizes for everyone.

There were 8 people that entered, and 22 comments from those entrants.  I used a random generator to give me three winners....and here they are....

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

2
10
14

Timestamp: 2011-07-21 12:28:20 UTC

Based on these numbers correlating to the comments, the winners are:

Charlene from Dieting 4 Disney

Hollie

Nanci from This Crazy Life of Mine

Congrats, ladies!!! 

Please send me your mailing address to diaryofmadfatwoman@yahoo.com

Each person is going to receive 4 coupons good for all four varieties of the new Skinny Cow candies.

I'm going to write a post - but it will be seperate to this one...

Till next time.  ;)

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Weigh in Wednesday...And Other Ramblings

It's week 6 of the Burst into Summer Challenge.  What have I accomplished in 6 weeks?  Nothing.  Not a thing.  I started off the challenge only 15lbs away from reaching Onederland - with that being the goal - and now?  Well, now I'm almost double that.

I've wrote how bad I feel.  I've wrote how disappointed I am.  I planned on writing about exactly that this morning.... but a few events since last night have changed that.

First, let's get the numbers out.

Challenge Start Weight:  214.8lbs
Weight Last Week:  217.8lbs
Weight This Week:  223.2lbs

That gives me a 5.4lb gain for the week.  Almost 6lbs in 7 days.  Lord almighty!!

Some of you will assure me that a gain that big really isn't possible - but after the week I had, it is.

There were several days this past week that I probably ate close to 4000 calories - probably a lot more - with no exercise.  I saw the weight creeping up each day, yet I continued to eat.  Call it depression, or binging, or whatever... when it was really a lack of caring and a lack of motivation.

I can sit here and spill how things are going to be different... but I've already done that.  Over and over and over.  My actions will be the only truth to those statements.  I do intend on following those actions.

I knew what the scale was going to say this morning... it's my own fault.

I read a post this morning from Draz - and she made me realize something....well, she added fuel to the blog fire I had already planned on writing about..... She gets a "Yeah, what she said" with her blog post this morning... so go read it HERE.
I've spent so much time worrying about what everyone else will think of me - and that I'm disappointing those around me.  When I write my blogs each day, I cringe at what I'm writing about.  All I can think about is how my readers will judge me.  Will they think I'm a failure?  Will they get tired of hearing the same ol' excuses?  Will they disappear, writing me off as a lost cause?

It's those feelings that prompt my "I will do better" attitude in each post... but what happens?  The next week, I'm sharing the same open promises - while the number continues to rise on the scale.

Last night, I watched Extreme Make-Over: Weight Loss Edition.  It was that show that gave me some realizations on my situation.

Now, when I first started watching the show, I scoffed at the unrealistic nature that was being portrayed on the show.  I judged the fact that - just like the Biggest Loser - anyone can lose weight when it's all expenses paid, personal super trainers, and hours upon hours to work out each day.

Last week, the show aired it's first failure.  A person so consumed with their food addiction - that regardless of the tools that were provided... he still wasn't able to do anything about his weight.

Last night, the show focused on a woman with two kids, a husband that had had a stroke that she took care of, and a full time job to boot.  The first three months of her transformation she was given a live-in trainer and full home gym.  She managed to lose 106lbs in those three months and was then rewarded with a nanny to help with the kids/husband/house for the next three months.  Her goal was to lose 60lbs for that portion of time... which she did.  The third three months she was on her own.  No more live-in trainer, no more nanny.  It was time for her to figure out how to juggle kids, a husband, her house, and her job...on top of trying to lose another 60lbs.

It was no shock to me that on her 9 month weigh-in, she'd gained 4lbs.  She claimed it was just all too much - but Chris (the trainer) reminded her that it wasn't just the time constraints... she had put herself on the back burner once again...she stopped caring.  By her final weigh in - she had managed to go from 456lbs down to 255lbs... in 1 year.  A 201lbs weight loss.

Now, this story started to get to me. 

When I was working, going to school, and raising my kids - I had such great success in managing it all.  I lost the bulk of my weight during that time.  Now?  I'm home every day, have no qualms about time constraints, and I'm gaining weight faster than the Energizer Bunny on crack.

It made no sense to me.  Why am I failing now when the opportunity is so readily available for me to really focus on the weight?  Then I realized - I'm missing the elements.  I'm missing the busy schedule and providing for my family.  I felt like superwoman when I was able to do all those things - and now I feel like nothing more than a failure. 

I can't find a job.  My kids (one or two at a time) have been gone most of the summer staying with family and friends, they haven't needed me.  I'm out of my comfort zone.  I need to be needed.  I need to be counted on.  I'm neither of those things, right now.

It's weird - but my story is kind of the opposite of Extreme Weight Loss woman.  She couldn't handle juggling everything... I can't handle not juggling it all.  I'm weird, aren't I?

Again, I'm not going to sit here and spill my apologies or promises to get better. 

I just have to learn to adapt.  To look deeper at myself.  I need to stop caring what others may think of me - and focus on how I feel about myself.

OK, I haven't found a job yet.  That's stressing me out to no end.  It's on the top of my priority list right now - and it has to be.  The problem is, the job hunting is taking all priorities....and knocking everything else off of the list.  It doesn't have to be that way.

It can't be that way.  I know that.

My only promise that I give today is that I promise to take one day at a time.  I'm going to work on trying to overcome this sense of failure...I have to start worrying about how I feel about myself, and stop worrying what everyone else may think of me.

I have the will.  I have the desire.  Now?  It's time to focus on myself - while I have the chance.

Before I go, I just want to give the last call for the Skinny Cow Giveaway.  I will be announcing the winners tomorrow morning.

Till next time.  ;)

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True Confessions Time

It's time to confess, clear the air, and get a few things off my chest in this week's True Confessions Tuesday....

I confess that I was pretty ticked off when my phone rang at 5:30 this morning from the school sub finder program.  The call dropped before I could find out what job was being offered - but what freakin' school is needing a sub in the middle of July???  Even the "year round" schools are on summer break.

I confess that this past week has been bad - but I'm not spilling it all out there.  I will just say that there was lots of fried food, buffet restaurants, McDonalds, and ice-cream involved.  Read the past two days' posts to see how I feel about my behavior...and my plan for dealing with it.  I just want to leave it with saying it's been BAD.

I confess that I am 110% sure that I'm going to have a significant gain on the scale tomorrow.  When I say significant, I mean BIG TIME significant.

I confess that I'm very nervous about my behaviors, lately.  It's reminding me a lot of who I used to be - and I don't want to be that person again. 

I confess that watching last week's Extreme Make-Over Weight Loss Edition* really sent a hot poker up my behind about what's happening to me....and that I need to do something about it NOW!!

*If you didn't see the show, or don't watch it, Chris Powell (the trainer) took on a 490lbs client.  In the first 90 days, the guy lost 110lbs.  The following 90 days he only lost 18lbs.  During the last 6 months, the guy ended up putting all of the weight back on, because he feel back in to his old ways - and Chris realized the severity of the guy's food addiction.  Chris had to drop the guy from the show, and instead referred him to a rehab facility because the addiction was so bad.  I mean, sneak money, lie to his wife, and on the verge of suicide bad.  It was a very eye opening experience to watch.

I confess that I have really mixed emotions about the job search, and believe that the stress of not finding a job is the cause of my set-backs over the past several weeks.  As much as I like to try and make myself believe that I'm going to stay positive - the negativity is still coming out.  It's just happening in the form of binges, over eating, and lack of motivation to exercise.

I confess that I'm sick and tired of whining and complaining and making excuses and letting stressful situations control my weight.  I'm serious that this shit has gotta go!!

I confess that, on the back of my last confession, I refuse to write about this negative crap anymore.  I want to be the funny, quirky, in your face gal I used to be...and it's OK for you all to confess that you're sick of hearing about it.

I confess that I had mixed emotions after a job interview yesterday with DHS.  The job sounds OK, but it's not working with kids....and I want to work with kids more than anything in the whole world.  Unfortunately, the bill collectors won't listen to the excuse "I haven't found the job I want, yet".  It's a case of finding a job - any job.

I confess that I felt a little burst of excitement when I received a call about interviewing at a preschool that specializes in children who have behavioral/emotional problems.  I interview for that position this morning.  While my personal preferences don't include preschool age...they are kids... like I just said I want to work with kids.  There's no room for age preferences at this point.

I confess that I opted to have the interview at 8:30 (instead of the 12:30 time that was also offered) because the first thought that came through my mind was "I want to be able to work-out...and going early in the morning will give me the rest of the day to do it."  Finally!!  A positive confession... hold your applause.

I confess that I really want more people to enter my Skinny Cow giveaway.  There's only two more days left...and I want this to be a successful giveaway.  *Do you hear the guilt trip in this?  Hope so!

I confess that I'm tired of confessing right now.... got to get to getting ready for my interview.

Till next time.  ;)

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While The Children Are Away... Mom Will Go Commando

Let me start out by saying I'm sorry that I scared several of you yesterday...it was so nice to read that you were concerned - and it's times when I read that stuff that makes me realize how much support I have.  I love you guys.

Also - upfront - this blog is NOT about me running around with no underwear.  Geez...where do I come up with these blog titles?

My Bad Ass Avatar

Alright, enough with the warm and fuzzy crap. 
Today, I'm waging war.  I've got some ass to kick.  I have a feeling that self-sabotage bitch, who I am going to affectionately call Lardania Assqueen isn't going to go quietly.

I'm no Harry Potter.  By just saying the words "It's time to move out, bitch" while waving a magic wand isn't going to expel her from my body - or my life.  No, it's going to take work...hard work. 

Strategy.  Discipline.  Balls.  Yeah, you heard me.  Balls - to have the courage to stand up to her and show her who's boss.

For the next two and a half days, I've been given a gift.  A gift that provides me the opportunity to focus on myself 100%...and this will be a test to see how I handle the eviction process of Lardania Assqueen.  My kids are away.

One is with my mom.  One is with one of my friends.  One is at summer day camp.

They are gone....time to bust out the hard artillery.

I have a plan... but I want to keep it to myself, for now.  Posting my victories is the plan - so that's how it's gonna play out. 

I have only a few weeks left of summer.  It may be even less if I get the job that I'm interviewing for today (more about that later).  I've completely wasted four weeks - and not only wasted... but Lardania has made damn sure that I'm in a worse position than when the summer started.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I was supposed to be sporting my size 10-12 body in a bathing suit with pride.  I was supposed to be running a 5K in less than 30 minutes - and working on running a 10K.  I was supposed to be in Onederland.  I was supposed to be here writing about the victories each week, my increase in strength, and my ability to make decisions on my food.

No more do I want to live with regret, defeat, or uncertainty.

I am the commander of my destiny...at least the weight loss part.  If I fail at losing weight - I have only myself to blame.

Let the war begin!!!

In other news....coming back from my ass kicking self....I have an interview today.  It's for a position working at the DHS.  It's not with kids.  It's not in a classroom.  But it pays.  When you're on the verge of being broke, have no prospects in regards to the "dream job" that you went to college to obtain, then you do what ya gotta do, right?

I'm not giving up on having my own classroom - or some form of teaching job - but desperate times calls for desperate measures.  I will continue to work on filling my dreams, and who knows, I might actually like this job (if I get it).

Alright - time for me to go. 

Don't forget to get signed up for the Skinny Cow candy giveaway.  I'm announcing a winner on Thursday - still don't have very many entries.  I'd really like to make this giveaway a success, so that I might start getting better opportunities to give away bigger and better stuff.  Help a girl out, won't ya?

Till next time.  ;)

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So Long, Farewell...It's Time to Say Goodbye

It's Sunday, so I should be doing a Hype or Help review of EA Active Trainer 2.

I can't do that today.  Because...well... I haven't used the program all week - so I have nothing to review.

The sad part is, I've been home pretty much all week.  I left my house for a while Monday and Friday - but other than that, I was home.  It was the perfect opportunity to work out.... but did I do it?  No.

So, I'm guessing you're probably confused, curious, or a little concerned about my blog title, right?

Maybe you're not.  Maybe you're been sensing that this day would come - and you're just reading this to affirm your suspicions.  You know that I've been on the verge of giving up for a long time - I just wouldn't admit it to myself. 

If you're one of those latter people... well...then I have one thing to say to you:  Sorry, but you're going to pretty disappointed with what I have to say.

I'm not going anywhere.

A part of me is leaving.  A part of me is giving up. 

For several months, now, I've been a freakin' teeter-tooter.  I'm disappointed in myself, then I'm not disappointed.  I care then I don't care.  I start to pick up momentum, then I give up.  Back and forth - left to right - moving up and coming back down.

There's really only one thing that has stayed constant during my inner battle with myself: the direction the scale is moving.  It's been going up, and up, and up.  Even after a week of a minor loss - it's right back up there the next week...sometimes with a little more added.

I'm no rookie to this situation.  I've been here many MANY times.

In the past, however, my course of action would be to declare that I tried and failed.  It was a dead end street that I was trying to find a way out of.  I was doing myself more harm than good - and so it would just be time to call it quits and maybe try again another day...maybe a week from now, or a month...maybe even a couple of years.

I'm no stranger to defeat.  Yet, I'm only willing to admit defeat when the situation sees fit.  If I am the controller of the game, the rules, and the outcome - how can I consciously give up?  If the game isn't going to plan - it doesn't mean it's time to give up, it just means there needs to be some adjustments made.

This is where I say goodbye.

I say goodbye to the girl that has been playing mind games with herself.

I say goodbye to the girl that has hidden behind a wall of excuses and stupid reasons that are causing failure.

I say goodbye to the girl that puts on a front that she's not bothered by the lack of committal and dedication to make the necessary changes in her life.

I say goodbye to the girl that is losing all motivation - and is making the changes to create the same body of a girl that weighed 300lbs just over 18 months ago.

If I don't say goodbye now - I'm going to be that 300lbs girl again in no time.

I can't let that happen.  I don't want her in my life anymore. 

OK, so now you're wondering, what brought all this on? 

There's no one answer to that.  It's been festering and growing inside of me.  I've started to feel those twangs of pain that I had when I was 300lbs...not physical pain...emotional pain.

I put on a pair of pants that fit me perfectly two weeks ago - only to feel like my midsection is being cut in half...and I can't breath right. 

I sit down to eat dinner, and I'm overcome with the sense of urgency to eat everything on my plate - whether I'm full or not - and then go back for more... because there is more food to eat, and I don't want to waste it.

I tell myself that I need to work out - but sitting in front of the TV or taking a nap sound so much more enjoyable.  I'm too tried to work-out...even though I have done NOTHING to cause this fatigue.

This time last year, I was so excited about this summer.  I had planned on being close to goal weight, being in Onederland, being proud to wear a bathing suit, showing off my new rockin' body - and proudly sporting my ability to run miles and work out for hours.

A year later - and I have none of those things.  I am still 70lbs from goal weight.  I am 20lbs from Onederland.  I cringe at the thought of putting on a bathing suit.  I can't even run as much as I could last summer - because I've slacked off so much, my endurance has decreased.

I could have had all of those things.  I chose to let the opportunity slip me by - and these are the results I get.

I am here today to not make a list of open promises.  I'm not writing out a goal list.  I'm not putting into stone my plans of getting out of this slump.  Those things will come - and are being formulated as I type.

I make only one promise, today.  That promise is to the fat, unhappy girl living inside that is slowly killing the fit, healthy girl that is dying to break free...

Pack your bags, BITCH - You're MOVING OUT!!

You are hereby given notice of your pending eviction.  You are to remove yourself, your sabotaging ways, your lack of motivation, and the poison of hurt you inflict on the inside of my soul. 

No longer will my body occupy you or your belongings listed above.  You have overstayed your welcome.  You are no longer wanted.  You have abused and destroyed this property long enough - and the roommate you've been bullying is finally sticking up for herself.

The fit, healthy girl that has been locked in a closet has finally found her voice - and she has aired her grievances about you.  It is time to take action to see you gone. 

So long.  Farewell.  It's time to say goodbye.  You will NOT be missed.

Till next time.  ;)

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It's Friday!! Bring IT!! BYOC!!

It's BYOC time - Bring Your Own Crazy. 

Go check out the BYOC Master's blog - that's Draz.  She's the genius behind BYOC, and she's VERY good at it!!

Copy the questions.  Answer them on your blog.  Come back and link up. 

Who doesn't like a day off from trying to decide what to write about, right?

1. Let’s do something crazy….I’m going to list the rainbow colors and you type the first FOOD item that pops into your head that symbolizes that color for you…..here’s mine:

Red - Tomatoes
Orange - Spanish Rice....hey, it's better than just saying "oranges"
Yellow - Curried rice...wow, I need to eat some rice
Green - Lettuce
Blue - Vodka....ever tried blue vodka?  Don't... it's so good, but so bad!!  I understand it's not a food - but it's what pops in my head when I think about the color.
Purple - Beets - GROSS!!  I don't like them, because they are purple.  I guess I'm a purple racist YIKES!
Brown -  Yummy chocolate... come on, what else is there?
Black - Licorice... haven't had black licorice in forever...now I want some.  Dang it!!

2. What is on your kitchen table right now?

A vase filled with sand and rocks.  My fantabulous pink snake skin purse.  Some coffee mugs - not sure why, but... My Neti Pot - again, why the heck that's on there I don't know.  That's it.

I like for my kitchen table to stay clear.. not so it can be eaten at, just so it looks nice.  I know - I'm weird.

3. What movie do you watch again and again and again? Not like what movie have you seen 5 times…but like what movie have you seen 30 times or more?

There's not really a movie I watch over and over.  I've seen lots of movies multiple times.  Pretty much all of the Harry Potter movies I know all of the lines too (SO F'in excited about the new movie being out).  I'm the same way with the Twilight Saga.. don't judge me!!

As far as just watching a movie again and again?  Doesn't really happen.  I have to be in the mood to watch a movie I've seen before - I much rather watch movies I haven't seen.

4. If Satan had a last name – what would it be?

Holy crap wad, Draz - this is hard!!

Thinking of a last name for him is hard... he's like Cher, one name just sounds better.  Come to think of it - maybe one word names are Satan spawns!!  Haven't you wondered sometimes where Cher, Madonna, and Gaga get their crazy talents from??

I'm digressing.

How about Satan *insert that last name of the person who you believe to have pure evil running through their veins*  They have to be related, right?

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.
Blogland has been pretty good.  Down 3lbs this week - that's always great.  I posted the True Confessions book on Tuesday... I had a lot to say.

Yesterday, I posted about my Skinny Cow Giveaway.  I had 3 entries...there are 3 prizes...hopefully there will be more entries.  It's really easy to join in - just leave a comment on that post telling me why you want to try the crazy, awesome candy bars that Skinny Cow are now making.  Come on, people - who doesn't love free stuff?? Free chocolate - that's not terribly bad for you?? Hello!! That's like winning the lottery!!

In real life, it's been a pretty boring week.  I haven't left my house since Monday. 

Monday, I went and got on birth control pills - YAY!! 

The rest of the week, I've been cleaning my house - from top to bottom.  Why do people say "top to bottom?"  I wasn't scrubbing ceilings - the stuff wasn't piled to the ceiling.  If anything, I cleaned from one side to the other.... there, that's better.

My house is clean now!! Doesn't happen very often - probably won't last long - but I'm basking in it today.  Later, I'm going to my mom's to pick up my little sister, drop of Butter, and then taking Peanut to my friend's house for the weekend.  My lil sister, Jelly, and I are going to spend the weekend together - not sure what we're going to do... but I'll think of something.

OK - Your turn.

Go post your BYOC.  Come back and tell me you did it.  Don't forget to sign up for my giveaway.... the odds are pretty good for you, right now.

Till next time.  ;)

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