Woo Pig Sheweeee...That was Hard

                             

You know, I've had a lot of tough jobs in my life.  My working career started when I was 13 and worked in my aunt's convenient store, cleaning and stocking shelves.  At 14 I worked in my grandpa's restaurant as a waitress, a fry cook, and I took orders from the front to-go windows.  When I was 16 I got my first "real" job working at Hardee's and I spent 8 hours taking orders, cooking, and cleaning.  But, none of those jobs were anything compared to what I spent all day yesterday doing.

Yesterday, I spent 10 hours working in a concession stand at the University of Arkansas football game, and I can easily say that it was one of the longest, hardest days I've ever worked in my life.  And, once again, I've had some pretty tough jobs.  

Peanut's show choir gets to work a giant concession stand at every home game as a fundraiser for the choir.  Lots of organizations and schools do the same thing, as there is easily over 100 concession stands at the stadium.  Most of the stands sell the usual concession style food:  Popcorn, nachos, pretzels, etc.  But, we were lucky (and unlucky) enough to score a concession stand that sells burgers, fries, onion rings, taco salads, and pulled port.  Those are pretty good money makers, but Lordy are they hard to keep up with.  Lots of prep, cooking, putting the food together, special orders, and then cleaning at the end.  

My job consisted of cooking fries and onion rings, calling orders, putting fries and rings with the orders, and then giving them to whoever ordered them.  It was a lot of walking back and forth because the window where the burgers were put together was on the other side of the concession stand from the frier.  For ten hours I was on my feet, and didn't sit down once.  I got to have a quick break, which allowed me enough time to eat something, and then I was right back at it.  But, even during my "break" I stood up to eat. 

I will say, though, the kids that came along to work definitely worked their behinds off.  Everyone did.  There were 13 of us working, 9 kids (teenagers) and 4 adults.  Even though we had to be there five hours before the game started, we didn't actually get everything we needed to get all set up until about an hour before they started letting people in.  But, that stress didn't phase anyone a bit, and everyone rallied around and worked their butts off to make sure that the customers were happy, served quickly, and that everything flowed smoothly.  The kids and adults worked together so well, and they never once complained, argued, got frustrated, or anything.  It was a hard day, but a fun one.  I am so proud of those kiddos and the way they worked so professionally... and volunteering all that hard work, to boot.  

I finally got home last night a little before 9PM.  That's a long day.  We started at 10AM.  I quickly got out of the greased covered uniform, got cleaned up, and went straight to bed.  I was exhausted.  

I didn't wake up until 10AM this morning, which I was kinda mad about.  I have SOOOOO much to do today, and feel like I wasted most of my morning by sleeping.  Which is why I really need to wrap this up and start working on my homework.  It's going to be a long day and a late night tonight.  But, that's the life of a college student... how quickly I forgot.

Have a great Sunday, everyone!!

September Rain

I woke up this morning at 4AM, took a shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee, and went out to my spot on the patio.  I was pleasantly surprised to feel cool air on my face as I stepped outside, and then realized it was raining.

I didn't know it was going to rain, but I'm glad it did.  We needed some cooler air around here.  But when it rains, I also go in to one of those deep, melancholy states of mind where I start thinking about stuff and letting thoughts take over my brain.

It's funny that a certain type of weather can have that affect.  I can be totally fine...my happy, chipper self, and then some rain starts falling and so do the thoughts.  Ramming inside my brain, crawling out of their hiding spots, and drilling away at me.  Usually it's stuff I'm trying to bury away, and sometimes it's stuff I haven't thought about in forever.  

This morning has been a good morning to let things swell up inside.  The music in the car for the drive home from taking Peanut to her debate thing, then sitting on the patio, now pounding away at my keyboard.  My music, the patio, and this blog are my refuges.  My safe havens.  The tools I use to think, process. and release whatever thoughts are playing in my brain.

Today they are not bad thoughts, or painful ones.  I'm happy.  Life is good.  I'm a bit stressed out, but not to the point where it's causing frustration or sadness.  I'm overwhelmed, but not to the point where I'm doubting myself or thinking I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I'm sure that the stress and the overwhelming feeling, despite how low-leveled that they are, are adding to my daydreamy, deep thinking mindset this morning.  It's really why this blog is so important to me, because without it I'm sure that the slight stressful, overwhelming feelings mixed with other random thoughts that pop in to my head would start to swirl out of control and eventually lead me to feeling down when I really have no reason to be.

Today, I'm just thinking about life in general.  It still blows my mind each time I have these thoughts about how far I've come.  Ten years ago, if someone had told me that I'd be a teacher on the road to getting her Master's Degree, I'd have probably laughed at them.  I would have told them that was a nice thought, but miles off from reality.  Ten years ago, I thought I was heading for a life filled with hardships, loneliness, and just making sure my kids' needs were met.  

Now look at me.  Mother, college graduate, teacher, home owner, and student once again.  

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I've heard several times how proud I have made certain people.  People I haven't seen or heard from in YEARS, yet are amazed and ecstatic for how my life turned out.  Proud that I overcome the battles I faced and made something with my life.  

And it still amazes me how much it means to me to hear that I made someone proud.

I have always craved that pride from my own parents, yet always fell short of getting it.  I'm sure my mother is proud of me, maybe.  I don't know.  That's still a hard situation.  I haven't had any contact with my mom since the whole ordeal that caused us to stop speaking.  I have no idea if she even knows I'm now in graduate school pursuing my master's.  I have no idea what she has to say about it, or if she even cares.  

P-Momma has always delivered on giving me the encouragement and pride that I've craved for so long.  She's never fell short or reminding me how far I've come, and how amazingly strong I am for taking on so much and still being able to keep a smile on my face.  And, I'll probably never be able to show her how much it means to me.  To be the mother I need, standing by my side through thick and thin, always a phone call away if I need a shoulder to cry on, a few words of truth, or just an "atta girl" for doing what I do.

Now, I have a few more people that have been fueling up my ego.  C's family has been delivering praise on me left, right, and center...and I won't lie and tell you that I haven't enjoyed that.  It's been really nice to hear so many compliments.  It's just hard when I realize that those same words of praise aren't delivered by the one person who should be giving them to me.  But, regardless, I definitely don't feel in short supply of love and support.  

One thing I've really thought about this morning are my own children.  Am I who I am because I don't have a good relationship with my own mother?  Are my kids that more important to me, and my number one priority, because I never EVER want them to feel in short supply of love and praise?  Maybe, maybe not.  I just hope that I'm showing them what a mother should be like.  That I'm giving them everything they need to make good decisions with their lives, and that they'll always be able to rely on me no matter what.  

I think I'm doing a pretty good job.  I have a daughter that is far beyond her years.  She has such amazing maturity, level-headiness, and a drive to succeed in life.  I have a son that has gone through Hell and back over the course of the past few years, but is now a strong, loving, amazing boy.  He has passion and drive to make people smile, has a kind heart, and has made me so proud already for how much he's overcome.  Then there's my youngest daughter.  So young, yet so smart.  So loving, so playful, so carefree.  She has a smile that lights up the whole room, and a hug that can melt all the bad in the world.  

I'd like to think that they are who they are because of the love and support I've shown them.  That they are happy, well-rounded, and loving because that's what I've instilled in to them.  

Life hasn't always been easy for them, yet you'd never think that now.  They cease the moments, grab life by the horns, and enjoy the rides.  

At the end of the day, no matter how hard life gets, I know that they will always know how much I love them, how proud I am of them, and that I will always be there for them.... thick or thin, big or small, always.  

And that's how it should be.

Love is something that has no boundaries.  No one can ever have too much love in their life.  I am a firm believer in that.  I still crave love, need love, and welcome love from anyone that gives it.  I am a sucker for some attention, let me tell you.  Sometimes, I forget about my own needs because I'm so focused on giving my love to my children.  But, then I remember the people who don't have to, but offer their love to me willingly.  P-Momma, Hubby, C's family, my work family, Sanity, Hope, all people in my life that lift me up, keep me focused, and reinforce my ability to believe in myself.  

So, before I go, I am reminded of one of my favorite songs, and can change the lyrics ever so slightly to keep me going...

When my fears subside

And shadows still remain

I know that you can love me

When there's no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness

We can still find a way

'Cause nothing lasts forever

Even cold September rain

I just want to take this chance to say a big THANK YOU to those of you who have supported me, cheered me on, and been there for me.  I think of you, this morning, and I'm reminded how much love I have in my life and what gives me the love in my heart to pass on to my own children.  I love you all.

Have a great Saturday, everyone!

One Planner Just Isn't Enough

                            

Well, Fall is definitely almost here.  It's not because the weather is getting cooler, or because leaves are starting to change, or even due to the fact that football season has started.  No.  I know Fall is almost here just by looking at the pages in my calendar.  Because when it's Fall, my planner is FULL.  

In fact, it's so crazy full over the next few months, that I had to buy ANOTHER planner because one just wasn't enough.  Usually, I put all of my stuff in one planner, the same planner I use at school.  I usually color code it, one color for work stuff, another color for Peanut's stuff, and another color for Butter's stuff.  But, throw in college and the fact that Peanut is involved in show choir, debate, and a gazillion fundraisers, and my work and school stuff just doesn't have any room to go.  So, I bought a new planner that's JUST for the kids stuff.  And, I can't believe how full that already is.  I also use my phone calendar, but with all the technology problems we've been having at school this week, I've realized how important it is to have a hard copy of everything... just in case. 

Last night, I went to a show choir booster meeting.  I don't have the dates for Peanut's competitions and performances, yet, but I do have five Razorback games that I have to work over the course of the next two months. (It would be six, but one of the games happens to fall on the weekend we'll be in Tennessee, so I won't be working that one.)  She also has about twenty debate competitions between this Saturday through March.  There will be several dates for show choir competitions to add, more show choir meetings, and other fundraisers that we'll be doing.  Butter has six football games, then both Peanut and Butter will have track competitions to throw in to the mix.  Almost every Saturday between now and Christmas has something on it, let's not forget that for the next seven weeks I have class once a week and plenty of homework to do, and the seven weeks after that I'll have an online class to keep up with.

I'm getting tired just writing about all of it.  

Usually, this type of crazy busy lifestyle doesn't really bother me... but I have to admit, with so much going on, I'm a little nervous about when I'm going to have the time to work on my school stuff.  Between now and next Wednesday I have to finish writing two article synopses, answer questions about three chapters in our text book, and have a group project finished.  It's Friday, and I won't have tomorrow to work on any of it.  Instead, I'll be getting up at 4AM, taking Peanut and her friend to school for their debate competition, coming home and then heading to the football stadium around 9AM.  I originally thought that I didn't have to be there until 3PM, but come to find out that's when the game starts and we have to be there FIVE HOURS before the game starts.  So, I'll be there from about 10AM to around 8PM.  A nice ten hour work day.  

So, Sunday, I'll have to spend pretty much all day in front of my computer finishing up all my homework, finding time to do laundry, go grocery shopping, and finish up my lesson plans and entering grades.  

As Peanut would say, though, "YOLO".  Which means "You Only Live Once". 

That's true.  

I can sit here and complain how busy I'll be and how much I've got on my plate, but the truth is it's all worth it.  Years from now, when my life has calmed down somewhat, I'll be able to look back and remember how much I was able to handle, how I was the queen of multi-tasking, and how I was always involved with something or going somewhere for the kids.  It's worth it.  I don't ever want to be a parent that's not a part of my kids' lives, no matter how busy it makes me.

I don't mind admitting that I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed, though.  I mean, school activities are no biggie... except that I went from volleyball and football in the fall to football, show choir, fundraisers, and debate.  I don't mind being so involved with the booster club and helping with fundraisers.  Not only does my helping out earn money for the show choir, but it saves me money.  By working the football games, I'm saving the money I'd have to spend on costumes and trip money.  I realized last night that I give a nice portion of my paycheck each month right back to the school district, so it'd be nice to give more of my time and less of my hard earned money.  Even though that might sound bad.  Just yesterday I had to write a check for $44 for shirts.  Football t-shirts for me and the kids to wear at Butter's football games.  Pretty soon, I'm going to need a new closet to store all of my Mustang (the high school mascot) apparel.. just like I need a new planner to keep up with all the Mustang events. 

I have volleyball shirts, I have football shirts, I have Mustang pride shirts and Tiger Pride (our school mascot) shirts, and I now have a show choir shirt.  I'll never run out of shirts to wear that show my school spirit, that's for sure.

Going back to the overwhelmed thing...I do feel a tad overwhelmed.  Only because I have so much going on with the kids and now have my schooling to think about.  I promised myself and the kids that my going back to school would noway interfere with their activities, or my participation with those activities.  But, I already feel behind because there's so much to do and so little time.  Having a week to work on an assignment should be more than enough time, but throw in after school meetings, practices, weekend activities, and still having to do my regular work, and that time quickly dwindles away.  By the time I get home, I'm so exhausted and the last thing I want to do is homework.  

But, I also know how strong I am.  I know how much I can take on.  I am the woman that went through a teen pregnancy, an abusive relationship, being homeless, a single mother, worked her way through school beating all the odds, found the job of her dreams, and somehow ended up with three AMAZING children, a supportive man to go through the crazy with me, a beautiful home, stability, and comfort.  

If I can go through all that, I think I can handle tons of school activities, college classes, and a very demanding job.  

I'm a freakin' superhero!  There's nothing I can't do, really.

I know it's OK to feel overwhelmed, I work best under pressure.  I know I'll jump over every hurdle, figure out how to juggle everything life throws at me, and still make it out of my classes with all A's and my Master's degree.

It's just what I do....and I'm freakin' awesome at it.

But, right now, I need to handle getting the kids up and ready for school. 

Have a great Friday, everyone!!

Teach, Walk, Breath

It's Thursday, already.  Can you believe that?  Short work weeks fly by so fast, but they are also exhausting for some reason.  Even though I'm shocked that it's Thursday, I also feel like it should be Friday... because the week has somehow seemed longer than it should.

This week has been kinda tough.  With lightning hitting the school building Monday night, causing our internet, bells, and intercom to go out, it's definitely made our job a little tougher.  It's amazing to realize how much we rely on technology to get things done.  

Despite the technology setbacks, it has been a good week.  My kids have been very well behaved, have worked hard, and have been focused on school.  That's something I'm not quite used to.  After a holiday weekend, the kids are usually exhausted and totally out of it or bouncing off the walls because it's a short week and the schedule is all out of whack.  Thankfully, it's been neither of those things in my classroom this week.

If anything, I've been the one walking around in zombie mode.  It took me a couple of days to find my bearings after the trip, but I really think I'm back to my old self and my tired level has gone back to normal.  I'm back to waking up and being excited about what the day has in store for me, rather than groaning when the alarm clock goes off because I want just another hour or so to sleep.

Peanut was even able to talk me in to going out for a walk with her last night.  I definitely needed it.  Even though I'm usually tired when I get home from work, and the last thing I want to do is exercise, I was in the mood for a walk.  It wasn't a very long walk, just to the end of the road and back, but it was enough to clear my mind a little.  I often forget how much I used to rely on walking and jogging to keep me sane several years ago.  Back when I was in the midst of college demands, my walking and jogging were my saviors.  They helped me stay level headed, and helped me shed several pounds in the process.  I think I'm going to try that again.  My head seems to be way too full, nowadays, and I just have to let off some steam in order to function.  I really wish I had a punching bag, instead though.  I can definitely see me coming home from work each night and having a few rounds with a giant punching bag.  Not because I want to hit things, but because there's nothing better for stress than swinging your arms and legs, and working up a great sweat in the process.  Walking is a great stress reducer, but it doesn't give me the release that I'm craving.  When I get some bad news or I'm frustrated about something, it would be great to put on some gloves and go toe to toe with a giant bag full of sand.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll ask Santa for some kind of punching bag for Christmas.  I know Peanut and Butter would both get some use out of one, too.  They also enjoy stuff like that. 

I didn't get to go to class last night because it was cancelled.  So, we got our assignments emailed to us instead.  This weekend, I'll be busy making sure all of my homework is complete.  I also have a group project due next Wednesday, so my partner and I are going to have to get together and get that done.  I definitely don't want to get behind so early in the game.  

This weekend isn't going to be very conducive to working, however.  Saturday morning I'm going to have to get up around 4AM so that I can drive Peanut to school.  She has a debate competition to attend, and I'm not going to get to go because I have to go and work at the UofA football game that afternoon for her show choir fundraiser.  So, I'll be up at 4AM and probably won't even get home until after midnight.  

I could take her to school, come home and then go back to sleep for a while.  But, my car is in dire need of an oil change and tune-up.  After putting 1300 miles on it this past weekend, I'm now a couple of thousand miles overdue and I don't like my car being overdue for service.  It messes with the warranty, and it's not good for the car.  I want a car that will last me a little longer than the 6 years I'll be paying for it.. so it's important to keep it well taken care of.  So, after I drop Peanut off, I'll be going to take care of that.  I just hope I haven't already put 3000 miles on it by the next Tennessee trip in seven weeks, but I'm sure it'll be due again shortly thereafter.

The past couple of mornings, I've woken up feeling like the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders.  I don't know why... well, I do.  The trip to Tennessee was causing it.  I was feeling the effects of some fifteen year residual funk that I just couldn't shake.  But, this morning, I woke up realizing I just have to let it all go.  No more dwelling on the past.  No more wondering about the what if's, the could haves, and the should haves.  Life has worked out the way it did because that's the way it was supposed to work out.  I had started to question that mantra, but now I have realized that it is very true and something I need to remember.  I am happy that Peanut has met her real father, I'm ecstatic that she now has his family in her life, and I'm excited about her building a relationship with them.

But, that's where it ends.  

I will no longer be thinking about C, our past life, and how different life would have been had we stayed together.  I will no longer be caring about how messed up his life is, and how I want to help fix it.  Like me, he has chosen his own path, and he gets to play the hand he was dealt... because he has chosen to do so.  I will no longer be referring to PE as PE because she's not his ex.  They are together, so I guess I should now move to PG (Psycho Girlfriend). 

While I spent my life wanting nothing more than to be better, he chose a different path.  I chose to live a life where I was in constant search of more happiness, and apparently misery is what makes him happy.  Misery likes company, right?  I can no longer feel any guilt or sadness for him.  Now, my only priority is making sure Peanut doesn't get hurt and making sure I continue to be there for her.  I know, with all my heart, that her grandparents will always be there for her.  I know that her uncle and aunts will always be there for her.  Her dad?  I hope the same to be true for him.  But, time will tell.  I will no longer be stressing about it.  I raised a smart, level headed girl that understands everything that's going on, and she will make her own opinions as time goes on.  

And this will be the last I speak of it.

OK, time to get ready for work.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!!

Trying to Get Back to Normal

                                        

My first day back to work, yesterday was good.  Unfortunately, the building got struck by lightning during the night, so we were without internet, intercom, and I was without computers for most of the day.  It made me realize how much technology I rely on to run my classroom.  I use my SmartBoard pretty much all day, so it was hard to teach without having that visual up on the board to use with the kiddos.

But, I got through it, and it was a good day of learning.  

The rainy weather we had all day made me kinda sleepy and daydreamy pretty much all day.  Even though I'd gotten a good night sleep the night before, I was still felt pretty tired from the long trip home.  Which is why I probably fell asleep around 8PM last night.  It's amazing how exhausting a trip like that can be, and it wasn't physical exhaustion... I'm pretty sure of that.

You guys like my photo from today?  Saw that last night, and just had to have it.  Not really sure how I can connect it to my blog post, but it's a good message nonetheless.  It also just happens to be my most favorite song in the whole wide world.  Metallica is awesome... love them.  And I guess I can relate it to how I've been feeling these past 24 hours.  No matter how far away we are from the people we care about, they are always in our hearts, and nothing else matters.

So true.

I waited a little late this morning to start writing my blog, because I was scrolling through old Facebook messages and stuff.  It's amazing how sucked in I can get to stuff like that.  I think I'll spend a few minutes on Facebook, and then 45 minutes has flown by before I even realize it.  But, it's OK, I still have about five more minutes to get some stuff down.

I don't have class tonight.  So, I don't have to stay at school until 9:30PM.  That's actually pretty good for me, because I didn't finish my homework.  My intent was to get all my homework finished on the weekends, but I was kinda preoccupied this past weekend so that never happened.  This weekend, though, I'll make sure I get all caught up and ready for next week.  

This Saturday will be another busy day.  I get to work at the University of Arkansas home game (Go Razorbacks!!).  It's a fundraiser for Peanut's show choir.  Tomorrow night, we have another booster meeting and I need to remember to make sure that I'm not supposed to be working a game on the weekend we are going back to Tennessee.  

My kiddos at school were all fascinated that I got to go so far away in such a short amount of time.  Many of them have taken trips to Mexico, but those trips usually take a few days.  For them to hear that I went to a different state in a matter of a couple of days is mind blowing to them.  

Well, I guess I should probably wrap it up for today.  Not much to talk about, really.  My mind is still full, my heart is still hurting, and my thoughts are in a different place.  Usually, that makes for perfect writing mode... but I need to get all this situated and put myself back in to the real world.  Stat.  Can't walk around in a bubble forever.  I have kids depending on me to be in the classroom with them, not wandering off in to La La Land.

OK, everyone have a great Wednesday.  

Back on Our Home Turf

Well, we made it home safe and sound.  We pulled in the driveway a little before 7PM last night.  It was a long trip and I was absolutely EXHAUSTED by the time we got home.  I didn't expect it to be such a hard trip home.  Not hard as in driving problems, hard as in emotionally hard and draining.   

D woke us up bright and early yesterday morning so that he could say goodbye before he left for his fishing trip.  That was hard.  I teared up when he hugged me, and I realized how much I was really going to miss him.  Peanut came out of her slumber for a few minutes to get her hug goodbye, and it really meant a lot to her.  Unlike her though, once D left I wasn't able to go back to sleep.  I just had too much on my mind, and I just couldn't do it.  

After I wrote yesterday's blog, in tears, I decided to get dressed and then woke up Peanut.  She got dressed and then we headed on over to L's hotel so that we could have some breakfast and say goodbye to her.  I was an absolute emotional wreck.  Just opening my mouth to speak caused a lump in my throat.. I don't know what was the matter with me.  I mean, I spent two days with people I haven't seen in 15 years, why on earth was I so dang upset about leaving?  But I was.  So upset.  I knew I was going to miss L, miss D, and be sad that we only had such a short visit.  

We finally made our way to the car, in tears, and ready to head out for our drive home around 9AM.

The first couple of hours were hard.  Peanut and I listened to the songs that I had shared with Peanut as being meaningful to her father and my relationship.  A bit of backstory on that...

While her dad and I were together, there were a few songs that were "our songs".  We listened to them every night.  After C and I started this whole process with him connecting with Peanut, I made a playlist of them so that I could share them with Peanut and talk about the old times.  A kind of window in to our relationship.  Back then, they were just songs that we both really liked and we went to sleep each night with those same songs, and over the course of our short relationship became very meaningful to me.  Now, the words of those songs rip a hole straight in to my heart.  There's so much power in every word to every one of those songs.  They were almost like an eerie foreshadowing.  

So, we listened to every one of those songs and some new ones that I've collected over the past couple of months that remind me of him.  I know that sounds bad, or weird even... but the sad truth is C and I had an amazing relationship.  It was a good, loving relationship that made us both happy.  The fact that it was ripped from us has always been with me, and I've never shaken it away.  It's one thing to break up with someone cause things aren't working out, it's totally different when the boy you love with all your heart is ripped away from you...never to be seen again...without a word of notice.  So, yeah, I still hold some very strong feelings in my heart for him.  I don't think they will ever go away.

Back to driving home...

I'm driving along with each of those songs playing, and me trying my hardest to relive certain moments of our past relationship for Peanut, both of us bawling our little hearts out.  Thank goodness we had good weather driving home, because seeing through tear filled eyes is tough.  Peanut told me how much she'd loved meeting her grandparents, and her dad... and we discussed what I thought life would be like had our relationship been left alone without being interfered with.  

That's a tough conversation to have.  I mean, I am a strong believer in everything happening for a reason.  I am also a tough proponent for not ever wanting to change my past, because each moment in my past has led me to where I am today.  I have two other amazingly wonderful children that wouldn't be with me right now, had things gone differently between C and me.  

But...

Do I think C and I would have tried our best to make it work?  Yes.  I do.  Do I think C and I would have made it through having a baby at such a young age?  Yes. I do.  Would I have liked the opportunity to try?  Yes.  I would have.  Because I know that both of us loved each other, and both of us were happy despite being so scared.  Not just that, but I know that we would have had a good support system to help us along the way.  I mean, his family are pretty freakin' great.  I know they wouldn't have stood by and let us struggle too much.  But, because of one certain family member who decided to pull the plug without even giving us a chance, we never got to try.  And life worked out the way it did.

Sometimes I wonder if everything would have been easier if we had just ended our relationship.  That it had been our choice.  Feelings would have been sorted, dealt with.  But, even after fifteen years, I still can't help but wonder what life would have been like simply because we didn't get that choice.  

Anywho, the tears finally disappeared once we got close to Memphis (almost 3 hours in to our trip).  We didn't cry the whole time.  We laughed, I shared, we cried, and then laughed some more because I remembered a funny story to share that was somehow related to one of those songs.  

We had made one stop at a truck stop by then, to sort ourselves out a little and so that we could try and find some souvenirs for everyone.  In the two days we'd been in Tennessee, we'd somehow forgotten to do any shopping for anyone.  Thankfully, D and L had helped us out and given Peanut some pretty awesome gifts for Butter and Jelly.  But, we still wanted something specific from Tennessee to give them.  Unfortunately, we were only able to find some TN hats at the truck stop, so we bought one for Butter and K (C's brother).  Peanut thought he needed one too.  

So, we thought we'd try again in Memphis right before we crossed the state line back in to Arkansas.  Unfortunately, it decided to POUR rain down the minute we drove in to Memphis, which caused me not to be able to see, and then we spent about 30 minutes driving around trying to find our way back on to the interstate.  And in that whole time, we didn't find one place that sold TN souvenirs.  

We finally gave up, and just decided to continue driving on home.  We made a stop just outside of Little Rock, and opted for some toys for Jelly instead of a state-specific souvenir.  We also decided to grab some dinner, so that added even more time on to our journey home.

After ten hours of being on the road, we finally pulled in to the driveway.  It felt so good to be home, but I was still a little sad that it all had to end so quickly.  Once Peanut and I got inside, we handed out the gifts and Butter and Jelly were so excited with what they got.  Butter got a GIANT banner that was signed by Toby Keith (thanks to "PawPaw" D), and Jelly got a make-up set (thanks to Grandma L).  I gave Butter his TN hat, and Jelly the Frozen backpack and Frozen beauty sets we'd picked up on the way home.  

After I got everything unpacked and I'd sat down for a while, it wasn't long before my behind was ready for bed.  It was a little after 9PM.  I don't even remember my head touching the pillow, and I didn't wake up again until my alarm went off at 4:30AM.  

It's currently POURING down rain, and storming.  Peanut and I took the rain to Tennessee with us, and apparently we brought it home again.  It is nice, though, to spend a few minutes sitting out on the covered patio listening to the rain.  I guess I should think about going inside to get ready, though.  Life is now back to normal, and I need to get my head back to normal.  

It was definitely one of the best long weekends I've had.  Ever.  I've already started a countdown to the next long weekend we'll be going back.  Just a little under two months and we'll get to do it all over again.  

But, right now, I need to focus on here.  Now.  Try to, anyway.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!

It's Hard to Say Goodbye

There it is.  The photo that I've waited fourteen long years to have.  The picture of Peanut with her dad.  It's funny, her whole life I've heard from EVERYONE that she looks just like me.  She has always been my "Mini-Me", but seeing them both together made me realize how much she really favors her dad.  She has his nose, his eyes (my color), his smile.  I just realized that for the past fourteen years, I've been looking at him much more than I realized.

Yesterday was a good, but tough day.

We woke up early, ate breakfast, checked out of the hotel, and headed on over to D & L's house.  We spent some time hanging out with D and L before we decided to go and grab some lunch.  We also got a small tour of Lebanon.  After we got back, we spent some time watching movies and talking...and that's basically how we spent the rest of the afternoon.  It was so relaxing and nice.  Even though we were on a "mini vacation", I thoroughly enjoyed just hanging out with D & L at their house.

C and PE showed up a little around 6PM.  I was a little sad that C had waited so late to come over, especially since we'd been there all day, but I'm not going to complain.  He spent most of the time sitting next to Peanut on the couch, talking to her, and watching her play her game.  They were a lot more comfortable with each other, and the nervousness wasn't as strong as it had been the day before.

PE stayed out of the room for a while.  That was good for Peanut.  Like me, just having her anywhere near her makes her skin crawl.  She just wanted to be able to spend some time with her dad without feeling so uncomfortable because she was there, and I think they were able to do that for a small amount of time.  Unfortunately, she made her way in to the room after they'd been there about an hour.  At that point, the atmosphere changed somewhat.  I could see Peanut tense up when PE sat on the other side of C on the couch.  His demeanor changed towards Peanut, and they talked a lot less.  That made me sad.  I knew they wouldn't be staying too long, so I just wish she'd stayed out of the room a little longer... but again, I can't complain.  It is what it is, and I am grateful for the time they did get to spend together without her around.

It wasn't even 8PM when they decided that they needed to leave.  That's when the heartbreak ensued.  Peanut stood up to hug her dad, and it was the hug that neither of them wanted to end.  When it did come to an end, I saw the tears running down Peanut's face.  That, then, started the tears in my own eyes.  And, L also teared up.  It was such a heartbreaking moment for both of them, and my heart broke for them.  They hugged a couple more times before he left.  Each time brought on more tears.  Even though I had avoided eye contact (once again) with him since they arrived, I couldn't help but look at him while he was hugging Peanut.  I could see the pain.  I could see the hurt.  And I could see that he didn't want that moment to end.  I didn't either.  But there was nothing I could do, it had to end... he had to walk away.

It took every part of me not to jump out of the chair and give him a hug, too.  I mean, it's been 15 years since I last saw him, and I couldn't even make eye contact with him because I didn't want PE thinking there was anything to it.  After spending the past two months talking to him almost every night, it just broke my heart that I couldn't speak a word to him, couldn't give him a hug, couldn't share stories with OUR daughter about when we were together.  I didn't want to make his life anymore miserable.  He had to go home with her...I just couldn't do that to him.  But he has made it perfectly clear how he feels, and I have to accept that.  I am nothing more than the woman that gave birth to his child.. and that's just how it has to be.

Once he was gone, Peanut sat with me on the couch so I could hold her.  We both shed a few tears together, and I tried to comfort her by reminding her that it wouldn't be long before we would be coming back.

PawPaw and Grandma swooped in to save the day, though, and were able to turn Peanut's tears off by showering her with love.  They made her laugh, Grandma brought out a few gifts that she wanted Peanut to have, and it wasn't long before the smile was back on Peanut's face and she was in a much better mood.

A little after 10PM, both Peanut and I decided to head to bed.  We were sleeping in the spare room, which also happens to double as C's room when he's not with PE.  Peanut and I laid there for a long time talking about him, about how she wishes things were different, and how much fun she'd had with her grandma and pawpaw.

This morning, D woke us up before he left to go fishing.  He wasn't about to leave without saying goodbye, and that just further goes to show how amazing he is.  After I hugged him goodbye, it sank in that we were leaving today.  That this was going to be all over.  And, that honestly hurt.  I'm not ready to say goodbye, for this to be over.

L left for work a little while ago, and I'm sitting alone in the living room while Peanut sleeps.  And since starting this blog, I haven't been able to hold back the tears.  Everything has piled up on me, I guess.  I am so happy that we came.  I'm so happy that we got to spend this time with D & L.  I'm so happy Peanut finally got to meet her dad.

But...

This isn't how it was supposed to be.  My heart shouldn't be breaking right now.  I shouldn't be feeling this kind of pain.  When I first planned this trip with C, we were happy.  We were talking every day.  We were so excited about seeing each other.  I had pictured this amazingly happy reunion for the THREE of us.  To spend two full days together, laughing, reminiscing, sharing funny stories, enjoying each other's company.  I wanted Peanut to see her mom and dad together, in a happy way.  Not together.. as in together... but at least comfortable with each other.  Happy to see each other.

Even though that's not the way it went, I'm still happy that everything happened.  I can't change anything that is..I just have to focus on making sure my daughter gets to have a relationship with her family.  That I will do.  Gladly.  She deserves to be happy.  I just hope she walks away feeling happy that we came, and isn't too upset about not being able to see him for very long.

The good thing, though, is that plans have already been put in to play for our return.  Maybe, just maybe the situation will be different when we come back in October.  Maybe, just maybe Peanut will be able to spend some time with her dad alone.  The two of them.  Going out to do something, like fathers and daughters do.

I'm sure going to miss being here.  I'm going to miss D & L.  I'm so thankful for their hospitality...and regardless of how C and I are, they are my family, too.

Well, it's time to wake up Peanut and for us to get ready for our long drive home.  Time sure does fly when you're having fun.  Hopefully time will fly by over the next two months so that we can do it all over again.

Have a great Labor Day, everyone!