From a Distance

                                              

Today has to be one of the first Mondays in a very long time that I'm glad the weekend is over.  I've had just about enough of this weekend, that's for sure, and I'm ready to get back to work and keep myself busy.

I apparently jinxed myself BIG time on Saturday when I wrote that blog post about feeling so good and guaranteeing myself a great day, because soon after that was written everything started to go downhill from there.  And this morning, I feel like a truck has had a grand old time running me over, backing up over me, and then running over me again over and over and over.  Not physically, but emotionally.  It  has been a tough one, that's for sure.

What I have learned from this weekend, however, is that I just have to let stuff go.  I can't dwell too much.  And I certainly can't help everyone.  That's the most important lesson, by far, that I have to take away from all of this.  A person can only help someone else that understands and wants to be helped.  Trying to help a person that doesn't want help is like playing tennis with a sponge.  You can keep hitting the ball to them, but nothing comes back.  The sponge will stand there and absorb the hits, but then the ball just bounces off of them like nothing happened at all.  And you're just standing on the tennis court, looking like a complete idiot, waiting and hoping for a sponge to return the ball.  It's just not going to happen.  

But thankfully, I've gotten to the point where I can say enough is enough.  There's nothing more I can do but step back and let situations play out the way they play out with me being taken out of the equation.  I still care, but I care enough to walk away.  I still want to help, but only when that help can be appreciated and respected.  I still mean to keep my promise, but only when that promise needs to be kept.  I'm not going to keep trying to prove myself, I have nothing else to prove.  My actions have spoken a thousand times louder than any words ever could, but if those actions aren't heard, they don't do any good.  

I understand that sometimes a person's biggest cry for help is pushing someone away.  Especially someone they really care for.  Whether it be that the person is testing the limits of the other person, they care about the other person's feelings and are pushing them away to protect them, or because they simply don't know how to treat someone that cares so much.  It's probably the worst time for me to walk away, but I also know that I'm not going to wander far.  Just walk away enough to keep myself distanced from the torture that I'm having to go through, and keeping myself firmly planted on the sidelines waiting.  Waiting for what?  I don't know.  Maybe nothing at all.  But, what I do know is I'm done playing the game.  I'm done being beaten up by the other players.  I'm done trying to reach a goal that's so heavily defended it's just impossible to reach.  I'm going to sit on the bench for a while, watch the game unfold, and just wait until I'm needed or until someone else understands my potential and scoops me up for their team.

I've gotten to a point where I've become numb with my emotions, and I don't like that.  It's almost as if nothing surprises me anymore.  I hear bad news and I just shrug it off.  I get lied to, and I almost expect it.  I hear the same old story over and over again, and I laugh because I've heard it so many times before.  The anger is gone.  The sadness is gone.  The expectations are gone.  Well, that's not completely true.  I did cry Saturday night, out of anger.  But I was angry because I had let myself get to the point where I am willing to put up with so much and it no longer phased me.  That angered me A LOT.  I shouldn't have to be numb to my emotions.  I shouldn't have let myself get to that point.  I know it was all a defense mechanism to protect me.  It's better to just ignore what I wanted to feel than deal with my feelings.  That's not healthy.  That's not right.  And that was when I realized that there's nothing else I can do.  Enough is enough.

I have been told by so many people how much the person I'm trying to help needs me.  I've been told how great a person I am for doing what I've done, putting up with what I've put up with, and not backing down.  I've been told that this person is very lucky to have me in their life.  And it feels good to hear those things.  Unfortunately, they aren't coming from the one person I need to hear them from.  Let me rephrase that.  I have heard the words from that one person, but the actions that follow make me question their authenticity.  And, again, actions speak much louder than words.  

Clinging to hope is not necessarily a bad thing, but when that thread of hope has gotten so thin, it's time to make the decision to let go and leave the tiny thread there than to hold on and let it snap completely.  The thin thread will continue to dangle over my head, but I'm no longer going to hold on to it.  Over time, the thread will either start to get bigger or it'll fly away in the wind.  And, I can actually say with confidence that I'm OK with either one of those scenarios.  Because I know that even if that thread does disappear, it's not the only thread of hope out there.  I just may need to start looking for a thread that has more rope-like qualities to hang on to.  One that has someone on the other end helping me up rather than letting me slip further and further away.

I can only be pushed so far before I decide to start walking in the direction I'm being pushed toward.  And today is the day I start walking.  I have value.  I have worth.  But, if someone isn't able to see those things in me, then it's their loss.  Not mine.  

So, it's time for me to take my seat on the bench, take some time to breath, and wait and see what's in store for me.  I'm ready to play a good game, I'm strong and able to give it all I got, but I'm no longer going to exhaust myself trying to prove how good I am.  Someone will eventually take notice, and when they do, I'll be ready.  

I'm not going to fight anymore.  I'm not going to chase anymore.  I'm not going to invest my time in to someone or something that has no investment in me.  It's time to start looking in to some new investments, I think.  

So, opportunity, please feel free to start knocking on my door... I'm finally ready to answer.

Have a great Monday, everyone!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Sing

I had to be up at 5:15 this morning so that I could take Peanut to school for a debate competition.  During the drive there, she read me her debate speech and discussed all things debate with me.  I love hearing her talk about something she's so passionate about, but at 6AM it can be a little overwhelming.  My head was swirling at 100MPH after I dropped her off, so I was in much need of some music to help clear my mind.

I have a playlist on my phone, and it never ceases to amaze me how songs play in the perfect order.  What I mean by that is I hit the Shuffle button and it's as though my phone is reading my mind and plays the songs that I love to hear.  I was in the mood for the types of songs that I could belt out at the top of my lungs, had a good beat, and would help wake me up.  I got exactly that.  

Music is a very powerful therapy for me.  I have specific songs for specific purposes.  There are songs that can make me laugh out loud, songs that make me burst in to tears, and songs that make me start belting out the words as loud as I can.  I was in for some singing this morning, and that's exactly what I got.

Now, I can sing.  When I'm not scared to death or in front of anyone, I can carry a tune pretty darn well.  But that's not what I wanted to do this morning.  I wanted to BELT without worrying about being in tune, trying to match a pitch, or reaching for the perfect notes.  There was no one else in the car, so I let my lungs fill with air and screamed each lyric.  Hard, powerful lyrics that cleanse my soul and recharge my batteries.  I'm sure that any cars passing me by could have possibly thought there was something wrong with me, because I was dancing just as much as I was singing.

And now I feel so good.  Like really good.  Charged, motivated, empowered.  

It's amazing how a few songs selected by my very SmartPhone can have such an affect on me.  It's like I can take this day by the horns, and ride it out to its fullest potential.  No matter where I go or what I do today, it's going to be a good day.  

With each hour that passes by, I can feel the strength ignite in me.  This morning I got a much needed double dose.  There are lots of things that can motivate me and lift my spirits.  And it's almost weird how they are always delivered to me at the exact right moments.

Take yesterday, for example.  I'm standing out on the street performing my crosswalk duty and my mind was wandering off.  I was thinking about someone and not sure how I was feeling about it.  Then, bam, out of nowhere my phone goes off.  It's a text message from that person.  A text message that brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart.  I was being thought of at that exact same moment. Coincidence?  Maybe.  Cosmically weird?  Very.

And that happened several times throughout the day.  The minute my mind would start to wander.. there was a text message.  Not conversation type messages, just little messages here and there asking about my day, little pieces of random information, all from the same person at the exact time I needed to hear from them.

It actually happened all day long, and well in to the middle of the night, actually.  A couple of hours would go by and then my phone would give off that text message melody.  Each time I checked my phone, I was pleasantly surprised by the messages as they came.  

It's a very powerful sentiment to know that you're being thought about.  Maybe I'm just a fleeting moment, but I'll take it.  It's amazing how a quick few seconds of pushing some words in to a phone can speak in such great volumes.  

Today, I'm going to go see some friends.  I'm excited to see them as it has been a couple of weeks since I last saw them.  I always love spending time with them, and they make me feel like part of the family.  That's exactly what I need today.  It's going to be a beautiful day, and not one where I'm willing to sit in the house and do nothing.  I'm gonna get out there and have some fun.

Which means I better get myself around so I don't waste another minute of enjoying today.

Have an awesome Saturday, everyone!

Let's Talk About Self Esteem... Or Lack Thereof

                                               

Self Esteem: Noun.  Confidence in one's own worth or abilities.  

For many years, I had a problem with self-esteem.  I worried about the way I looked, compared myself to others, and thought that I needed to change myself in order to fit the ideals of others.  I have often told myself that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or strong enough to do certain things or travel in certain directions.  I was my own worst enemy.  I would talk myself down, back away, and give up extremely quickly because I just didn't think I was able to compete with the world outside of me.

But what I realized is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me.  Or should I say, how others think of me shouldn't affect who I am.  I do care what people think of me, that I'll never change I guess, but it's having the strength to accept their opinions and not letting it get me down.  That's the part I've been working hard on for many years.  And I also realized that backing down got me nowhere.  If  I didn't work hard, fight, and stay strong, I'd never have accomplished anything.

Recently, my self-esteem has been called in to question.  Some people think that I must be dealing with some serious self-esteem issues to go through what I've been going through, and putting up with what I've been putting up with.  So, I thought it would be a good time to respond to some of those thoughts and worries right here, right now.

The definition of self-esteem is to have confidence in one's own worth and abilities.  I believe I am worth something.  Actually, I believe I'm worth quite a bit.  My actions speak volumes to the kind of person that I am.  I believe that to truly value my own worth, I must stand my ground, speak my mind, and accept who I am both good and bad.  I am not perfect.  I have flaws.  I accept that.  I do things I'm not proud of, sometimes, but who doesn't?  

I am very confident in my abilities.  When I set my mind to something, I don't give up.  I fight for what I believe in.  I have had many chances to quit, give up, and crumble, but I don't.  I come back swinging every time, no matter how hard the situation may be.  I am motivated when someone tells me I can't do something, and it fuels me when I'm told that I'm in over my head.  My confidence in my abilities stems from the fact that I've had many challenges in my life, and how I handled those challenges made me who I am.  I don't blame others for my downfalls.  When I fail, it's because I did something wrong.  I don't look for the nearest scapegoat to pin it on.  And accepting my failures as well as my successes is a strong part of being confident in my abilities.  Because when I do fail, I look at how I can move on, fix the problem, and succeed the next time.

I am a very strong willed person who doesn't give up.  Period.  

That has nothing to do with my self-esteem.  The way I allow myself to be treated and the stuff I go through doesn't speak anything about my self-esteem, but to the self-esteem of those that treat me that way.  I don't do what I do because I hate myself or don't think I'm worthy of better.  I do what I do because there are some people out there that don't understand their own worth, and need someone in their corner helping them believe that they are better than they think.  That they deserve better than they think.  That they can be happy, no matter how much they don't think they should be.

Over the course of the past month, I have put up with stuff that would make anyone crumble in to a million pieces or turn away without a second thought of looking back.  And, I have felt those things.  I've crumbled, I've been torn down, I've considered almost on a daily basis to just walk away and never look back.  But, each time I get one of those feelings, I remember that I am strong enough to handle it.  That it's not me that I'm doing it for.  If I give up, then I'm just like the rest that have turned their backs and walked away.  

Do I deserve to be treated the way I have been?  No, I don't.  I have gone above and beyond to prove that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm in it for the long haul, but sometimes the walls are so thick around a person that they will give out beating after beating to keep people from getting in.

The situations that have arose in the past week have tested me almost to my breaking point.  I've never been so ready to walk away, give up, and just throw in the towel.  The tests have been harsh, cruel almost.  But, the tests are intensifying because I have stood strong through all the others.  But what has helped me stay strong is the fact that I've been told what I needed to hear.  Nobody else has ever or will ever be me.  Nobody will ever take my place, no matter what they believe.  Nobody else will ever understand as well, care as much, or give as much hope as I give.

No matter how much I am pushed away, I always come back.  Always.  

Not because I have self-esteem issues and don't know when to let go, but because I am loyal and committed to being there.  

I have had my moments of weakness, don't get me wrong.  But, each time I walk away, I'm always pulled back.  And that means something.  I've been pushed to my limits, but still find the strength to return.  I have began to lose hope, and then told how much I mean and how important that I am which refills the hope meter.  

Like I said yesterday, I'm not competing for anything.  I'm not trying to prove my worth at the sake of my self-esteem or trying to be there when I'm not wanted.  If I wasn't wanted, I would have been gone a long time ago.  I have tried to walk away, I have tried to give up, but I'm not the one to stop that from happening.  I am the one that has been called back each time.  Because I know how much I'm needed, and I'm not about to turn my back on that.  

So, there you go.  I am not worried about my self-esteem.  I know what I've gotten myself in to, and I'm prepared to stick with it.  Not for me.  This isn't about me.  But, when someone I truly care about needs me, I'm going to be there.  People will come, people will go... but I am the constant.  

Have a great day, everyone!

Tug O' War

It's another snow day for me, today.  The sun is shining, this morning, and the birds are chirping.  As crazy as it probably sounds, I'm sitting out on my patio with my coffee and iPad listening to the sounds and taking in the crisp beauty of the sun reflecting off of the snow.  Yeah, it's cold, but it's also breathtakingly beautiful.

It's moments like these that don't happen very often.  Like time has stopped, and there's nothing to do but breath in deeply all the good and exhale all the worries and the bad.  No matter what the day brings, nothing can replace this moment.  This reflection time. The time I can release and replenish everything inside of me so that I can take on whatever I need to take on.

Yesterday, I spent the day in a game of tug of war.  One side of me was being pulled by my brain, and the other being pulled by my heart.  And each side was pulling for dear life, trying to win, trying to claim victory.  But, instead, I stood in a deadlock feeling like my limbs would be torn completely in two.  

My brain kept taunting my heart, telling it to let go, free myself, understand what the brain knows and what the heart doesn't see.  My heart was taunting right back trying to explain to the brain that the heart is where the power lies, where the real decisions are made, and that it will come out victorious in the end.  All the while, I could feel myself being flopped back from one side to the next, wondering what on earth was going on, and which side would eventually pull me to their side.

Neither did.

I still sit here, completely divided, yet the pulling has finally stopped.  

Matters of the mind and matters of the heart are both very powerful forces.  When they work together, there is a power within that drives me to succeed and overcome the hardest of obstacles.  But, when they are on opposing sides, I end up in a daze, a state of confusion, and I feel like I've been on a Tilt a Whirl that lasted for hours.  

Don't worry, this isn't me going back in to one of those sad, depressive states.  I'm far past that.  This is more about making the right decisions for the future.  Understanding what's best for me and my kids.  Deciding which road to take as I continue moving forward.  To I bring baggage along with me or do I leave it behind?

I have committed myself to take on a challenge that is probably the biggest challenge of my life.  To do something that many people have told me is impossible to do.  And this is the battle being fought out by my head and my heart.  

My head sides with those that have told me my task is impossible.  It won't be conquered.  I just won't win.  It's better to walk away.  My brain says that I'm a door mat being walked all over, used, and betrayed.  My brain has laid out good evidence.  The information I've received this week should be enough to make me not just walk away, but run away as fast as I can.  My brain says I'm blind to the obvious, and that I'm leading myself down a path that will eventually lead to a dead end.

My heart is siding with those that have told me I have the power to accomplish this almost impossible task.  That I am the one person that can actually see it through and do what nobody else has ever been able to do before.  My heart says I am not a door mat, but a refuge.  The safe place.  My tasks and tests are all apart of the challenge, and that as long as I follow my heart, I will come out victorious. My heart counter attacks my brain's evidence by replaying moments and conversations in my head.  It points out that no matter how many times I've been knocked down, the same hand was there to pick me up.  That the cryptic clues I've been fed this week are apart of the hope that fills my heart and has empowered me to keep on moving.  And my heart says I'm not headed for a dead end.  Is the road forward a rocky path?  Yes.  But, it eventually leads somewhere.

Monday night, I received some news that hurt.  Not gonna lie.  It hurt bad.  But, the information I got after made the sting go away a little.  I was being given the information not to hurt me, but to prepare me.  To empower me, really.  To know what I was up against, what was going on, and so that I could understand some of the worries I was having.  That's the stuff my brain is using to tell me to run.  That's the information my brain needed to use against me and confuse me.

But, the information I got after the bad stuff is what my heart was holding on to.  Because after the bad was given, it was followed up with the good. I am one of the very few people that matter.  There are others being made to believe that they matter, but they don't.  They are just distractions.  They are just there to help pass the time.  I was being given the truth because it was important for me to have all of the information.  And the truth is only important to me, because I got the real motives behind it, I got the real story, and I got to understand why I was being told what I really didn't want to hear.  

I matter.

How I feel is important.  How I take the information is important.  How I move forward with the information is important.  How I react and understand is important.

With this information, I was made to feel like I was the final destination on a long, hard road.  There are stops that will be made along the way, the distractions, but I am the one that will be where it all ends.  I am not competing with the distractions, but just have to accept and understand their purpose.  And, in a weird way, I do.   

I just have to make the decision to stick with it, or walk away.  I'm either in it for the long haul, or I'm not.  

I have never been one to walk away from a challenge.  I have never been a quitter.  And being given the information I got has left me a little torn, but also more motivated.

Can I do what some say to be impossible?  

I guess we shall see.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Realizing My Place

Well, I got to go back to work for one day and now I'm off again due to inclement weather.  There isn't actually anything but rain coming down, right now, but it's supposed to transition over to sleet and snow here pretty soon.  I'm glad that our superintendent decided to be proactive so that we wouldn't have to take the chance of having to drive home in icy weather.  Even if we don't get near as much bad weather as they are predicting, it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'm feeling really good this morning.  I slept pretty well, and the only thing on my mind when I went to bed was why I didn't bring work home with me to do.  That was kinda dumb, but I've got plenty of stuff to keep me occupied around the house.  

You ever just have one of those feelings where you just get this little burst of happiness, but have no idea where it's coming from?  That's kinda how I feel right now.  Like I'm really happy, but there's no specific reason for it.  It's definitely not a bad thing, and I love feeling this way.  There are times when you get that upset stomach feeling when you know something bad is about to happen, so it's only right that there should be times when you get that little burst of excitement or happiness when something good might be about to happen.  Maybe that's what it is.  Maybe something good is going to happen, or maybe something bad isn't going to happen.  Either way, I'll take it.

I said in my blog yesterday that I've kind of become numb to my feelings.  The bad feelings.  And I'm really starting to believe that.  It's almost like I've reached the point of acceptance that I can take on just about anything that's thrown my way, that I'm not going to give up no matter how much I have felt like I should, and I will keep moving forward one step at a time.  

There are some people in this world that need just one person on their side.  Someone who has to prove that they're not going to give up, that's going to support them, love them, and be there for them no matter what.  And those people don't cause pain for the sake of causing pain, they do so because they aren't used to having or don't believe that they have someone that will really do those things.  They try and push away that one person, testing the limits, testing the lengths that one person will be willing to go, and making that one person prove that they really can count on them through all the bad as well as the good.  

And I've said countless times that I am that one person for someone, but even though I said it, I kept having doubts.  Now, I really know that it's true.  The numbness that I've taken on in my feelings isn't so much numbness as it is acceptance.  I have accepted my place, I have accepted that I really will do whatever I need to do and put up with whatever I need to put up with, because I'm not willing to give up.  

With this acceptance of the fact that I am that one person for someone else has come the realization that the same person I'm there for is the person who is there for me.  He is my rock just as much as I am his.  No matter what we go through, no matter how mad we get, no matter how much he tests me or pushes me away, we are there for each other.  We can't stay mad, we can't walk away, we can't let go.  Lord knows, we've both tried.  But, it doesn't take long before everything just smooths out and picks back up.  

Sure, it's taken a while to realize all of this, but it's starting to piece together and I'm understanding stuff better.  As I've said many times before, life is full of tests.  How we handle those tests speaks volumes to who we are and who we become.  Some people would have given up a long time ago, but I am not one of them.  I'm in it for the long haul, I've found my peace, and I am putting one foot in front of the other.  I know that there will be continue to be challenges.  I know that there will continue to be tests.  I know that there will be situations that make me feel uncomfortable, sad, or angry.  But, every day I become more and more strong, more and more able, and more and more devoted to doing what I originally set out to do and making it all work out for the best.

Am I scared? No.

Do I believe I can handle it?  Yes.

Do I think it will be easy?  Not at all.

But, I'm confident.  I'm able.  I'm willing.  That's all I need.  

I'm going to keep my feet firmly planted, keep my eyes facing forward, and do what I have to do.  

Right now, though, I'm going to enjoy this snow day.

Have a great day, everyone!

Back to Life...Back to Reality

Well, it's back to work today.  We got a snow day yesterday, and if the forecast holds true for tomorrow, it may be the only day I have to work this week.  They're calling for up to 5" of snow tomorrow, and that will take us out for another few days.  I just hope there's still bread, milk, and eggs available at the store when I go after work...HA!

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  My head was swirling with thoughts, things I needed to do, and decisions that I need to make.  No matter how much I tried to ignore them and shut my brain down, it just wasn't happening.  I last looked at the clock at 3:47AM and my alarm goes off at 4:30AM, so I know this is going to be a long day.  And it will definitely be an early night for me tonight, too.  

Life is definitely about to change for me.  Not sure exactly how, but it's going to change.  And it's going to change because I'm changing.  I'm starting to realize a lot more, see a lot more, and understand a lot more stuff that I was blind to these past couple of months.  Things are starting to make sense even though they make no sense at all.  What I mean is that things I was trying so hard to ignore are just impossible to ignore anymore.  I have to face facts.  I have to stop holding on to something that's not there.  I have to stop being someone that I'm not.

I have three amazing children, I have a beautiful home, I have the career I've dreamed about having my whole life, and I have amazing friends that are here for me.  That's enough.  I don't need anymore.  I thought I did, but I don't.  All of those things make me happy, and I need to realize how much I truly have.  

I am a strong woman with good values, a kind heart, and a caring, loving personality.  I protect and am there for the people I truly care about, and will give the shirt off my back if one of those people needed me to.  I have a lot of love in my heart, and when I offer up that love it comes with few conditions.  I am honest and loyal, and take pride in those traits.  I often put the needs of others before my own, and will do so without any expectations or agreement for anything in return.  Except maybe respect, honesty, and appreciation.  I think I'm a good person, and I've decided that I'm not willing to change any of those things about myself.  

But what is changing is the fact that I have always been the person that shut myself away, carried my emotions on my shoulders, and tried not to burden anyone else with my problems.  Yet, I've realized that those things weigh me down and interfere with being who I am.  Now is the time for me to get out there, show people what I'm made of, and just enjoy life.  Why not?  

I know that life is going to be a little tough for me, transitioning in to being a single mother, taking on the expenses and responsibilities alone, but I can do it.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  Am I a little nervous?  Sure.  But, one thing I definitely know about myself is the fact that I'm a fighter.  I'm a survivor.  I take bad situations and I turn them around.  I get stuff done!  I take care of stuff that needs to be taken care of, and I manage.  I may not have all the answers, right now, but I'll figure them out.

It's almost like I've become numb to bad feelings.  I've gone through so many emotional rollarcoasters these past couple of months that my emotions have taken such a beating, they just don't feel the lashings anymore.  And I'm not saying that in a bad way.  It has all made me stronger, more capable, and has ignited the fighter instinct in me.  I fight for what I want.  I don't give up.  I stand toe to toe with tough situations and I deal with them.  

So, it's back to life... back to the reality of what's really going on... and it's time to deal.  

I can do this. 

Have a great day, everyone!!

The New Chapter

Yesterday, I very much considered shutting down my blog.  Ending it.  Taking it away so that I couldn't say anything else wrong, upset anyone, or give out too much information about my life.  Because the last thing I really want to do when I write is any of those things, but I often end up doing all of those things anyway.  But, I love writing.  I love blogging.  I blog so that I can share my thoughts and feelings with the world, and it's just something that helps me emotionally and mentally.

So, I changed my mind. 

The blog isn't going anywhere.  However, I have now set up a private journal that I can write in about my deepest, darkest feelings, and keep all that mess away from the public eye.  I think that will be good for me.  I think having two places to write will be even better.  It doesn't mean I'll stop writing about my feelings and what's going on in my life, here, but I can filter and censor what I share here with what I need to keep to myself.

The last blog post I wrote came across as kinda mean and hateful.  I get that.  It wasn't my intention.  I would never try and tell people to stop caring about me.  I'm thankful and blessed to have so many people in my life that do care about me.  My words were simply away of telling those people that do care that I'm a hard one to figure out.  I often say things that are taken wrong, or I am often vague about what's going on about me which lead to misconceptions.  There is so much more to my story that I do keep locked away, and I only share small portions here and there.  That makes matters worse, I know, which is why I feel  the need to stop doing that.  When I told people to STOP IT, I wasn't talking about caring.  I was talking about trying to make sense of my thoughts, trying to understand my decisions, and trying to figure out why I was doing what I was doing.  I can understand being concerned, I can understand caring about me... that's not what I was telling everyone to stop doing.  

But, again, misconceptions and misunderstanding.  I say one thing, I mean another... one of the downfalls to public blogging.

This weekend has been really good for me in terms of realizing a few things, coming to some understandings, and as Eminem would say "cleaning out my closet".  I've considered some of the things I've been dealing with lately, stewed on them for a while, and made some decisions.  Where I go from here on out is anyone's guess, but I now know that I need to clear out some clutter and get rid of some of the stuff that's been bringing me down.

One thing that I'm definitely going to start doing from here on out is focusing on myself a bit more.  I've tried to be nice, help others, and do what I can to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness.  That is stopping right now.  My friend was absolutely right when she posted that quote about making my own happiness, and that will never come from trying to make other people happy or expecting others to make me happy.  I have to start controlling my own happiness.    

I have no problem helping, being there, and supporting someone.. But it's gonna be on my terms. I meant what I said about never giving up, but I'm not gonna roll over anymore.  And I know I've said that before.  But, I really think I mean it this time. 

Time will tell, I suppose.  But, one thing I do know is that I feel good.  I don't feel sad, mad, or upset.  For the first time, I just feel like it is what it is. There's stuff that's got to happen, and I'm gonna make it happen.

But today I'm moving forward, I'm starting a new chapter.  Life is calling, and it's about time I picked up the phone.  Time to start creating my own happiness, and making each day count.

Have a great day, everyone!!