Waiting for my Friend, Karma

                             

I have heard the saying, many times, "Bad things happen to good people".  This is true.  I've seen so many good people, myself included, that have endured some pretty crappy situations and things happen to them.  And it seems as all the people that treat others badly, care about nobody but themselves, and skate through life on the coat pockets of others, get away with everything without anything ever happening to them.

But, I also know that with the bad stuff I deal with, I'm rewarded with a lot of good.  People that care for me, great kids, an amazing job, all the luxuries of life that I get to enjoy have come to me because I've continued to lead a good life, work hard, and never give up.  And that, I truly believe, is an act of karma.  

Now, this isn't a debate over religion or beliefs.  Some people believe in karma, others don't.  I just believe that what goes around comes around, and eventually those people that deserve it will be rewarded and those that don't will get what's coming to them.  Even though it seems like the most awful people you know tend to basically get away with murder, I have found that eventually their actions catch up to them and something happens to them that's just not great.  

I think I'm a good person.  I have done many good things with my life, I am kind, I am giving, and I am helpful.  I have also done many things I'm not proud of.  Either way, I've paid the price for my actions.  One thing I try not to do, though, is be mean, hateful, and revengeful because there's no point in being those things.  I am the kind of person that allows karma to deal with the people that have those qualities.

Recently, I heard about a wife that was cheating on her husband.  People that I know.  He caught them together, and it destroyed the marriage. Now the cheating wife and the person she cheated with are together.  Of course, she makes herself out to look like a victim.  But that's neither here nor there.  Only a week before they were busted, I witnessed the married couple kissing, hugging, and they looked pretty happy together.  But, I'm not going to judge what their family dynamic was like, it's not my place to judge.  

But, what I do get to see is karma at work.  

While she's in love with her new beau, and he's declared his love for her, I have gotten to see what that "love" is really about.  They are in love, yet he calls upon other women to spend time with.  And, by spend time with, I really mean.... well, you know.  I'm not going to go into graphic detail, but you get the point. He plays other women in to believing that they are special and important, and then turns around and tells her the same thing.  I have heard some of the things he says about her.  I've heard about some of the things he's said about the other women he calls upon.  They both think life is a bed of roses, and I guess they're OK with living their lives like that.  

But, one thing I don't understand is how people can believe that if they start a relationship with a cheater, that person that cheated will be faithful to them.  Even when it's completely obvious he or she is messing around with other people, they turn a blind eye because it's "different with them".  

Yeah.. OK.. LOL

And watching these events unfold has made me realize how glad I am that I ended my relationship when I did and for the reasons that I did.  My relationship had been bad for a long time.  I was unhappy, I wasn't in love anymore, and I probably should have ended it a very long time ago.  But, I figured it better to cut it off when I did, move on, and let us both go our separate ways in the pursuit of happiness.  

And while on my pursuit of happiness, karma has been at work.  I have been chasing someone that has enjoyed the chase and reaped the benefits.  He has told me how important I am, how much he cares for me, and how much he's appreciated everything I've done for him.  Yet, he's also hurt me, has allowed me to be in pain, and has shown me that he's not really that in to me.  He's enjoying our "friendship", but only when it's convenient for him.  Watching the situation play out with the cheater and that whole ordeal has made me realize that I am done chasing.  I'm being treated the same way that the cheater is being treated, yet I'm not too blind to see it anymore.

Why on earth should I be doing any form of chasing?  

If a man truly wants to be with me, he will show me.  He will treat me right, he'll show me how much he cares.  He would never allow me to go through the pain I've been through, and he'll make every effort to show me how much he cares for me.  There won't be excuses, there won't be mind games, there won't be the feeling of only being good enough when it's convenient for him.  

And the past week or so, I've had a couple of prospects in that department.  Men who have expressed their desire to get to know me better and show me what a good, loving relationship is supposed to be about.  

I think it's karma's way of telling me that I deserve to be happy and rewarded for the efforts I've made, and to be rewarded with what I've been looking for all along... just in the wrong place.  

I still say that I'm not ready for another relationship.  Not yet.  But, I also know that love isn't something that's planned or timed.  When it happens, it happens.  So, instead of saying I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm going to say that I'm going to stop chasing.  If someone wants to be with me, then it's time I allow myself to be chased for a while.  

As the cheater will soon find out, love doesn't come from betrayal.  You can sit and pretend that life is all peachy, stay blind to what's really going on, and skate through a relationship thinking that it's all going to be different.  You can hurt people, make fun of them, and taunt them with your behaviors, but, eventually, karma will have a few things to say about it.  

I will not allow myself to be treated the same way she's being treated.  I'm better than that.  I deserve better than that.  

I am a smart, successful, educated woman.  I have a solid foundation, a great career, and an amazing support system.  Why on earth I thought I wasn't worthy of better is beyond me.. but I am.  I have a lot of love to give.  I will treat the man I end up with like a king, if and only if he treats me like a queen.  I have no time for games, no time for cheaters, and no time for taking anything but the best.  

I'm going to sit back, and allow karma to work.  It may take a month, a year, or heck..even several years to find "the one", but I'm willing to wait.  I will not settle.  I will not be played or a part of vicious games.  My heart deserves to be treated right, and it's high time I allowed those that want the chance to prove they are able to do that to show me what they got.

What goes around definitely comes around... and I just need to sit back and wait for mine to come around.  

The Royal Treatment

                                         

I'm pretty sure every girl grows up with the vision of a fairy tale life in their head.  They watch enough Disney movies to picture their prince charming riding in to save them from the clutches of the evil queen, and then riding off in to the sunset to live happily ever after.

I know I had that fantasy, once upon a time.

And while I've never witnessed a single Prince Charming ride in on a valiant steed, I've had my share of Charming prospects who have rescued me from the clutches of evil, or should I say the clutches of loneliness.  They've helped me battle some demons, and they've helped me find some happiness, but then eventually something happens that makes the Charming prospect disappear.  

What I realized last night, though, is that I am no damsel in distress.  I'm not a helpless princess that needs rescuing.  I'm not interested in Prince Charming, because I've had my sights on a bigger picture.  This girl doesn't want to be a princess, she's ready to be a QUEEN.

Yesterday had been a very tough day for me, and usually I deal with those types of days on my own. But, when I called out for help, I was swooped up and shown that I'm not driving a one-way street.  My problems matter, and it was time someone was there for me just as much as I am for them.  I was able to laugh like I haven't laughed in a while.  I got to act silly, goof around, have a great time, and leave my problems in the wind.  I truly felt like I was being treated like a queen, and I probably can't do any justice with my words to explain what that felt like.

In my opinion, a queen is a position of power.  They stand by their king's side with loyalty.  They will do everything in their power to be there and support their king, no matter what.  And a true king will treat his queen as his partner, the person he confides in, and the person he entrusts with true honesty.  Even if that honesty is upsetting or painfully brutal.  He doesn't hide things from her, because she's not stupid.  She would much rather be informed than to be kept in the dark, and a true king will understand that and respect that.  Sometimes it's better to be hurt once with the truth than hurt doubly with a lie.  He will also care about her thoughts, her feelings, and be there for her just as much as she is there for him.  

That's what I'm looking for!

I have questioned many things the past couple of months.  I've questioned who I am, I've questioned my purpose, and I've questioned my ability to stay strong.  But, I continued to keep my head above water, and I managed to make it out with only a few battle scars that have made me much stronger.  I am far from finished with my quest to happiness, but last night rebuilt the dangling thread of hope.  It is no longer a tiny string, but has multiplied in to a rope.  I can now hold on, and it can now support me.  

I am quite certain that I still have many battles to fight.  The war is far from over.  But last night, I was able to claim a solid victory that has given me a new outlook on my plans moving forward.  And I was given the reinforcement of hearing that I deserve to be a queen.  I deserve to be treated like one, I deserve to act like one, and I deserve a king.  I don't need any Prince Charming, I need no knight in shining armor... I don't need to be rescued.  

I am strong.  I am powerful.  I am loyal.  

My potential deserves to be realized.  My worth deserves to be understood.  My ability to handle the toughest of situations has to be accepted.  

Life isn't about living a fairy tale that's been written a thousand times.  It's about writing your own story.  There's going to be twists and turns on every page.  There's going to be happiness, sadness, heart break and true love.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, but each page has yet to be written.  I have some power how my story unfolds, and I believe that now.  I don't have to sit back and wait for my story to be read to me.  It's time I became the author and started writing my own story.

And I'm excited and ready to write the next chapter.

Have an awesome day, everyone!!

Underestimating My Strength

                                     

Well, I was right yesterday.  Going back to work was exactly what I needed to dust myself off and refocus my emotional energy on stuff that really matters:  My kiddos.  There's something about those seventeen cute little faces that can make the deepest frown turn upside down, and help me understand some of my priorities.

I am so proud of myself and the way I took care of business yesterday. For the first time, I finally stood my ground, stood up for myself, and refused to be brought down.  I don't have time to care what people think of me, but I also won't stand by and be judged for something I didn't do.  Not going to happen.  

People talk to me.  I am OK with that.  I feel like I can be a supportive ear to someone if they need me to be.  I listen because I care, and sometimes it can be the most help if all I do for them is listen. I don't always have to offer advice or give my two cents on a situation.  Sometimes just letting someone vent can help them understand some stuff that's going on with them.  I am to some what my blog is for me.  Just a place to let things out of my system.  But one thing I would NEVER do is take information shared with me and use it against someone.  That's just not right.  How can anyone trust a person that does something like that?  They can't.  Which is why I refuse to be one of those people.  If something is told to me in confidence, I would never use that information for my own gain.  That's just not right.

I am guilty of carrying around burdens that aren't my own.  That I do know.  I absorb problems that belong to others, and that's a strength as well as a weakness.  And there are times where I need someone to listen to me, let me vent out what's going on in my head, and trust that someone will keep that information to themselves.  However, my trust meter is damaged, and there are very few people I feel comfortable calling upon in those situations.  That's mainly because I am a very hard person to figure out, and I often feel like if I talk to someone they won't understand me.  My actions and feelings are puzzling, and that's an understatement I suppose.  I keep so much bottled up inside of me, that I'm shocked I haven't exploded from the inside out.  Which, again, is why I blog.  My cryptic, often annoying, extremely frustrating blog is my way of releasing some of my frustrations without having to spell out exactly what's going on.  I know.  I understand.  And that's what helps keep me and my emotions at a manageable level.

I am a very patient person.  In fact, I think that's probably one of my very best qualities.  I think any good teacher has to have a very large amount of patience.  Does that mean I never lose my patience? Well, no.  Of course I do.  It just takes a lot longer for that to happen with me than a lot of others I know.  But, when I am handed a challenge, it's almost impossible for me to just walk away and give up.  I may get frustrated, I may feel like giving up, and I may need to take a break for a while, but very seldom do I admit defeat and throw in the towel.  Patience is engrained in my DNA and I'm very proud of that.  And that's one of the things I don't think people quite understand about me.  How I tolerate so much, why I don't just give up, and why I can't realize when enough is enough.  No matter how many times I say I'm done, the people that know me best understand that making a statement like "I'm done" is only directed at that day.  I may be done with dealing with a situation on that day, but it doesn't mean I'm giving up completely.  It just means I need to reorganize my thoughts, gain back some strength, and come up with a new strategy.  If I gave up on everything that seemed to be a losing battle, I would never have accomplished so much in my life. The hardest battles have the biggest rewards, and/or the best lessons.  

I tell my students that almost daily.  Just because something seems impossible, doesn't mean that it is.  But, with some hard work, patience, and persistence, anything can eventually be accomplished.  It may not always work out the way we think it will, but there's always something that can be learned by a tough, almost impossible, situation.

Have I made decisions I'm not proud of?  Sure.  Have I allowed myself to be treated badly?  Sure.  Have I kept my eyes shut so that I don't have to see what's right in my face?  Sure.  But each one of those things have continued to build and ignite the strength inside me until I got to the point to understand who I am, what I'm about, and how to manage some of the challenges thrown my way.  

One thing I do need to point out is that everything I have done and am doing have been my own decisions.  They haven't always been the best decisions, but they are my own.  I continue to help because I know that I'm needed.  Like I said yesterday, when someone is pushing you away, it's usually the time they need you the most.  But, one thing I have discovered is that it's OK to push back. To stand my ground, to defend myself, and to make it perfectly clear that I'm not a punching bag.  You punch me, I'll punch back.  I was sadly mistaken in to thinking that I should be a punching bag for someone.  Letting them throw all their punches at me and absorbing them.  That's NOT how I roll.  And I'm glad that I've finally woken up to that fact.  You want to duke out your problems?  Great.  But, expect me to throw some hits in right back.  If I stand still and allow myself to be beaten down, that's not helping.  In order for someone to really bounce back from their problems, they have to understand that there's a fight involved.  Nobody can finally overcome their obstacles if someone takes all the obstacles out of the equation.  I used to think that way, but then I realized that nobody took my obstacles out my way.  I didn't gain my strength, my accomplishments, and myself by walking an easy life.  Life is hard!! It's supposed to be.  But it's also how the strong emerge and conquer.  

It's how I find my strength and ability to conquer my own obstacles.

I know that the next few months, heck possibly the next few years are going to be really tough on me.  Making the transition to being a single mom isn't easy.  Am I scared?  A little.  Do I worry?  Yes.  But, do I think what I'm about to embark on will be impossible?  Of course not!! And everything I've been through these past couple of months have helped me see that.  

I think people often underestimate me.  They think I'm weak.  They think I'm naive.  They think I'm powerless over certain situations.  They think wrong!

I know exactly what I'm doing.  I know exactly who I am.  I wasn't born yesterday.  I'm fully aware of my surroundings.  I know that it doesn't always appear that way, but trust me... I know what I'm doing.  

And do it, I will!!

From a Distance

                                              

Today has to be one of the first Mondays in a very long time that I'm glad the weekend is over.  I've had just about enough of this weekend, that's for sure, and I'm ready to get back to work and keep myself busy.

I apparently jinxed myself BIG time on Saturday when I wrote that blog post about feeling so good and guaranteeing myself a great day, because soon after that was written everything started to go downhill from there.  And this morning, I feel like a truck has had a grand old time running me over, backing up over me, and then running over me again over and over and over.  Not physically, but emotionally.  It  has been a tough one, that's for sure.

What I have learned from this weekend, however, is that I just have to let stuff go.  I can't dwell too much.  And I certainly can't help everyone.  That's the most important lesson, by far, that I have to take away from all of this.  A person can only help someone else that understands and wants to be helped.  Trying to help a person that doesn't want help is like playing tennis with a sponge.  You can keep hitting the ball to them, but nothing comes back.  The sponge will stand there and absorb the hits, but then the ball just bounces off of them like nothing happened at all.  And you're just standing on the tennis court, looking like a complete idiot, waiting and hoping for a sponge to return the ball.  It's just not going to happen.  

But thankfully, I've gotten to the point where I can say enough is enough.  There's nothing more I can do but step back and let situations play out the way they play out with me being taken out of the equation.  I still care, but I care enough to walk away.  I still want to help, but only when that help can be appreciated and respected.  I still mean to keep my promise, but only when that promise needs to be kept.  I'm not going to keep trying to prove myself, I have nothing else to prove.  My actions have spoken a thousand times louder than any words ever could, but if those actions aren't heard, they don't do any good.  

I understand that sometimes a person's biggest cry for help is pushing someone away.  Especially someone they really care for.  Whether it be that the person is testing the limits of the other person, they care about the other person's feelings and are pushing them away to protect them, or because they simply don't know how to treat someone that cares so much.  It's probably the worst time for me to walk away, but I also know that I'm not going to wander far.  Just walk away enough to keep myself distanced from the torture that I'm having to go through, and keeping myself firmly planted on the sidelines waiting.  Waiting for what?  I don't know.  Maybe nothing at all.  But, what I do know is I'm done playing the game.  I'm done being beaten up by the other players.  I'm done trying to reach a goal that's so heavily defended it's just impossible to reach.  I'm going to sit on the bench for a while, watch the game unfold, and just wait until I'm needed or until someone else understands my potential and scoops me up for their team.

I've gotten to a point where I've become numb with my emotions, and I don't like that.  It's almost as if nothing surprises me anymore.  I hear bad news and I just shrug it off.  I get lied to, and I almost expect it.  I hear the same old story over and over again, and I laugh because I've heard it so many times before.  The anger is gone.  The sadness is gone.  The expectations are gone.  Well, that's not completely true.  I did cry Saturday night, out of anger.  But I was angry because I had let myself get to the point where I am willing to put up with so much and it no longer phased me.  That angered me A LOT.  I shouldn't have to be numb to my emotions.  I shouldn't have let myself get to that point.  I know it was all a defense mechanism to protect me.  It's better to just ignore what I wanted to feel than deal with my feelings.  That's not healthy.  That's not right.  And that was when I realized that there's nothing else I can do.  Enough is enough.

I have been told by so many people how much the person I'm trying to help needs me.  I've been told how great a person I am for doing what I've done, putting up with what I've put up with, and not backing down.  I've been told that this person is very lucky to have me in their life.  And it feels good to hear those things.  Unfortunately, they aren't coming from the one person I need to hear them from.  Let me rephrase that.  I have heard the words from that one person, but the actions that follow make me question their authenticity.  And, again, actions speak much louder than words.  

Clinging to hope is not necessarily a bad thing, but when that thread of hope has gotten so thin, it's time to make the decision to let go and leave the tiny thread there than to hold on and let it snap completely.  The thin thread will continue to dangle over my head, but I'm no longer going to hold on to it.  Over time, the thread will either start to get bigger or it'll fly away in the wind.  And, I can actually say with confidence that I'm OK with either one of those scenarios.  Because I know that even if that thread does disappear, it's not the only thread of hope out there.  I just may need to start looking for a thread that has more rope-like qualities to hang on to.  One that has someone on the other end helping me up rather than letting me slip further and further away.

I can only be pushed so far before I decide to start walking in the direction I'm being pushed toward.  And today is the day I start walking.  I have value.  I have worth.  But, if someone isn't able to see those things in me, then it's their loss.  Not mine.  

So, it's time for me to take my seat on the bench, take some time to breath, and wait and see what's in store for me.  I'm ready to play a good game, I'm strong and able to give it all I got, but I'm no longer going to exhaust myself trying to prove how good I am.  Someone will eventually take notice, and when they do, I'll be ready.  

I'm not going to fight anymore.  I'm not going to chase anymore.  I'm not going to invest my time in to someone or something that has no investment in me.  It's time to start looking in to some new investments, I think.  

So, opportunity, please feel free to start knocking on my door... I'm finally ready to answer.

Have a great Monday, everyone!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Sing

I had to be up at 5:15 this morning so that I could take Peanut to school for a debate competition.  During the drive there, she read me her debate speech and discussed all things debate with me.  I love hearing her talk about something she's so passionate about, but at 6AM it can be a little overwhelming.  My head was swirling at 100MPH after I dropped her off, so I was in much need of some music to help clear my mind.

I have a playlist on my phone, and it never ceases to amaze me how songs play in the perfect order.  What I mean by that is I hit the Shuffle button and it's as though my phone is reading my mind and plays the songs that I love to hear.  I was in the mood for the types of songs that I could belt out at the top of my lungs, had a good beat, and would help wake me up.  I got exactly that.  

Music is a very powerful therapy for me.  I have specific songs for specific purposes.  There are songs that can make me laugh out loud, songs that make me burst in to tears, and songs that make me start belting out the words as loud as I can.  I was in for some singing this morning, and that's exactly what I got.

Now, I can sing.  When I'm not scared to death or in front of anyone, I can carry a tune pretty darn well.  But that's not what I wanted to do this morning.  I wanted to BELT without worrying about being in tune, trying to match a pitch, or reaching for the perfect notes.  There was no one else in the car, so I let my lungs fill with air and screamed each lyric.  Hard, powerful lyrics that cleanse my soul and recharge my batteries.  I'm sure that any cars passing me by could have possibly thought there was something wrong with me, because I was dancing just as much as I was singing.

And now I feel so good.  Like really good.  Charged, motivated, empowered.  

It's amazing how a few songs selected by my very SmartPhone can have such an affect on me.  It's like I can take this day by the horns, and ride it out to its fullest potential.  No matter where I go or what I do today, it's going to be a good day.  

With each hour that passes by, I can feel the strength ignite in me.  This morning I got a much needed double dose.  There are lots of things that can motivate me and lift my spirits.  And it's almost weird how they are always delivered to me at the exact right moments.

Take yesterday, for example.  I'm standing out on the street performing my crosswalk duty and my mind was wandering off.  I was thinking about someone and not sure how I was feeling about it.  Then, bam, out of nowhere my phone goes off.  It's a text message from that person.  A text message that brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart.  I was being thought of at that exact same moment. Coincidence?  Maybe.  Cosmically weird?  Very.

And that happened several times throughout the day.  The minute my mind would start to wander.. there was a text message.  Not conversation type messages, just little messages here and there asking about my day, little pieces of random information, all from the same person at the exact time I needed to hear from them.

It actually happened all day long, and well in to the middle of the night, actually.  A couple of hours would go by and then my phone would give off that text message melody.  Each time I checked my phone, I was pleasantly surprised by the messages as they came.  

It's a very powerful sentiment to know that you're being thought about.  Maybe I'm just a fleeting moment, but I'll take it.  It's amazing how a quick few seconds of pushing some words in to a phone can speak in such great volumes.  

Today, I'm going to go see some friends.  I'm excited to see them as it has been a couple of weeks since I last saw them.  I always love spending time with them, and they make me feel like part of the family.  That's exactly what I need today.  It's going to be a beautiful day, and not one where I'm willing to sit in the house and do nothing.  I'm gonna get out there and have some fun.

Which means I better get myself around so I don't waste another minute of enjoying today.

Have an awesome Saturday, everyone!

Let's Talk About Self Esteem... Or Lack Thereof

                                               

Self Esteem: Noun.  Confidence in one's own worth or abilities.  

For many years, I had a problem with self-esteem.  I worried about the way I looked, compared myself to others, and thought that I needed to change myself in order to fit the ideals of others.  I have often told myself that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or strong enough to do certain things or travel in certain directions.  I was my own worst enemy.  I would talk myself down, back away, and give up extremely quickly because I just didn't think I was able to compete with the world outside of me.

But what I realized is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me.  Or should I say, how others think of me shouldn't affect who I am.  I do care what people think of me, that I'll never change I guess, but it's having the strength to accept their opinions and not letting it get me down.  That's the part I've been working hard on for many years.  And I also realized that backing down got me nowhere.  If  I didn't work hard, fight, and stay strong, I'd never have accomplished anything.

Recently, my self-esteem has been called in to question.  Some people think that I must be dealing with some serious self-esteem issues to go through what I've been going through, and putting up with what I've been putting up with.  So, I thought it would be a good time to respond to some of those thoughts and worries right here, right now.

The definition of self-esteem is to have confidence in one's own worth and abilities.  I believe I am worth something.  Actually, I believe I'm worth quite a bit.  My actions speak volumes to the kind of person that I am.  I believe that to truly value my own worth, I must stand my ground, speak my mind, and accept who I am both good and bad.  I am not perfect.  I have flaws.  I accept that.  I do things I'm not proud of, sometimes, but who doesn't?  

I am very confident in my abilities.  When I set my mind to something, I don't give up.  I fight for what I believe in.  I have had many chances to quit, give up, and crumble, but I don't.  I come back swinging every time, no matter how hard the situation may be.  I am motivated when someone tells me I can't do something, and it fuels me when I'm told that I'm in over my head.  My confidence in my abilities stems from the fact that I've had many challenges in my life, and how I handled those challenges made me who I am.  I don't blame others for my downfalls.  When I fail, it's because I did something wrong.  I don't look for the nearest scapegoat to pin it on.  And accepting my failures as well as my successes is a strong part of being confident in my abilities.  Because when I do fail, I look at how I can move on, fix the problem, and succeed the next time.

I am a very strong willed person who doesn't give up.  Period.  

That has nothing to do with my self-esteem.  The way I allow myself to be treated and the stuff I go through doesn't speak anything about my self-esteem, but to the self-esteem of those that treat me that way.  I don't do what I do because I hate myself or don't think I'm worthy of better.  I do what I do because there are some people out there that don't understand their own worth, and need someone in their corner helping them believe that they are better than they think.  That they deserve better than they think.  That they can be happy, no matter how much they don't think they should be.

Over the course of the past month, I have put up with stuff that would make anyone crumble in to a million pieces or turn away without a second thought of looking back.  And, I have felt those things.  I've crumbled, I've been torn down, I've considered almost on a daily basis to just walk away and never look back.  But, each time I get one of those feelings, I remember that I am strong enough to handle it.  That it's not me that I'm doing it for.  If I give up, then I'm just like the rest that have turned their backs and walked away.  

Do I deserve to be treated the way I have been?  No, I don't.  I have gone above and beyond to prove that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm in it for the long haul, but sometimes the walls are so thick around a person that they will give out beating after beating to keep people from getting in.

The situations that have arose in the past week have tested me almost to my breaking point.  I've never been so ready to walk away, give up, and just throw in the towel.  The tests have been harsh, cruel almost.  But, the tests are intensifying because I have stood strong through all the others.  But what has helped me stay strong is the fact that I've been told what I needed to hear.  Nobody else has ever or will ever be me.  Nobody will ever take my place, no matter what they believe.  Nobody else will ever understand as well, care as much, or give as much hope as I give.

No matter how much I am pushed away, I always come back.  Always.  

Not because I have self-esteem issues and don't know when to let go, but because I am loyal and committed to being there.  

I have had my moments of weakness, don't get me wrong.  But, each time I walk away, I'm always pulled back.  And that means something.  I've been pushed to my limits, but still find the strength to return.  I have began to lose hope, and then told how much I mean and how important that I am which refills the hope meter.  

Like I said yesterday, I'm not competing for anything.  I'm not trying to prove my worth at the sake of my self-esteem or trying to be there when I'm not wanted.  If I wasn't wanted, I would have been gone a long time ago.  I have tried to walk away, I have tried to give up, but I'm not the one to stop that from happening.  I am the one that has been called back each time.  Because I know how much I'm needed, and I'm not about to turn my back on that.  

So, there you go.  I am not worried about my self-esteem.  I know what I've gotten myself in to, and I'm prepared to stick with it.  Not for me.  This isn't about me.  But, when someone I truly care about needs me, I'm going to be there.  People will come, people will go... but I am the constant.  

Have a great day, everyone!

Tug O' War

It's another snow day for me, today.  The sun is shining, this morning, and the birds are chirping.  As crazy as it probably sounds, I'm sitting out on my patio with my coffee and iPad listening to the sounds and taking in the crisp beauty of the sun reflecting off of the snow.  Yeah, it's cold, but it's also breathtakingly beautiful.

It's moments like these that don't happen very often.  Like time has stopped, and there's nothing to do but breath in deeply all the good and exhale all the worries and the bad.  No matter what the day brings, nothing can replace this moment.  This reflection time. The time I can release and replenish everything inside of me so that I can take on whatever I need to take on.

Yesterday, I spent the day in a game of tug of war.  One side of me was being pulled by my brain, and the other being pulled by my heart.  And each side was pulling for dear life, trying to win, trying to claim victory.  But, instead, I stood in a deadlock feeling like my limbs would be torn completely in two.  

My brain kept taunting my heart, telling it to let go, free myself, understand what the brain knows and what the heart doesn't see.  My heart was taunting right back trying to explain to the brain that the heart is where the power lies, where the real decisions are made, and that it will come out victorious in the end.  All the while, I could feel myself being flopped back from one side to the next, wondering what on earth was going on, and which side would eventually pull me to their side.

Neither did.

I still sit here, completely divided, yet the pulling has finally stopped.  

Matters of the mind and matters of the heart are both very powerful forces.  When they work together, there is a power within that drives me to succeed and overcome the hardest of obstacles.  But, when they are on opposing sides, I end up in a daze, a state of confusion, and I feel like I've been on a Tilt a Whirl that lasted for hours.  

Don't worry, this isn't me going back in to one of those sad, depressive states.  I'm far past that.  This is more about making the right decisions for the future.  Understanding what's best for me and my kids.  Deciding which road to take as I continue moving forward.  To I bring baggage along with me or do I leave it behind?

I have committed myself to take on a challenge that is probably the biggest challenge of my life.  To do something that many people have told me is impossible to do.  And this is the battle being fought out by my head and my heart.  

My head sides with those that have told me my task is impossible.  It won't be conquered.  I just won't win.  It's better to walk away.  My brain says that I'm a door mat being walked all over, used, and betrayed.  My brain has laid out good evidence.  The information I've received this week should be enough to make me not just walk away, but run away as fast as I can.  My brain says I'm blind to the obvious, and that I'm leading myself down a path that will eventually lead to a dead end.

My heart is siding with those that have told me I have the power to accomplish this almost impossible task.  That I am the one person that can actually see it through and do what nobody else has ever been able to do before.  My heart says I am not a door mat, but a refuge.  The safe place.  My tasks and tests are all apart of the challenge, and that as long as I follow my heart, I will come out victorious. My heart counter attacks my brain's evidence by replaying moments and conversations in my head.  It points out that no matter how many times I've been knocked down, the same hand was there to pick me up.  That the cryptic clues I've been fed this week are apart of the hope that fills my heart and has empowered me to keep on moving.  And my heart says I'm not headed for a dead end.  Is the road forward a rocky path?  Yes.  But, it eventually leads somewhere.

Monday night, I received some news that hurt.  Not gonna lie.  It hurt bad.  But, the information I got after made the sting go away a little.  I was being given the information not to hurt me, but to prepare me.  To empower me, really.  To know what I was up against, what was going on, and so that I could understand some of the worries I was having.  That's the stuff my brain is using to tell me to run.  That's the information my brain needed to use against me and confuse me.

But, the information I got after the bad stuff is what my heart was holding on to.  Because after the bad was given, it was followed up with the good. I am one of the very few people that matter.  There are others being made to believe that they matter, but they don't.  They are just distractions.  They are just there to help pass the time.  I was being given the truth because it was important for me to have all of the information.  And the truth is only important to me, because I got the real motives behind it, I got the real story, and I got to understand why I was being told what I really didn't want to hear.  

I matter.

How I feel is important.  How I take the information is important.  How I move forward with the information is important.  How I react and understand is important.

With this information, I was made to feel like I was the final destination on a long, hard road.  There are stops that will be made along the way, the distractions, but I am the one that will be where it all ends.  I am not competing with the distractions, but just have to accept and understand their purpose.  And, in a weird way, I do.   

I just have to make the decision to stick with it, or walk away.  I'm either in it for the long haul, or I'm not.  

I have never been one to walk away from a challenge.  I have never been a quitter.  And being given the information I got has left me a little torn, but also more motivated.

Can I do what some say to be impossible?  

I guess we shall see.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!