Realizing My Place

Well, I got to go back to work for one day and now I'm off again due to inclement weather.  There isn't actually anything but rain coming down, right now, but it's supposed to transition over to sleet and snow here pretty soon.  I'm glad that our superintendent decided to be proactive so that we wouldn't have to take the chance of having to drive home in icy weather.  Even if we don't get near as much bad weather as they are predicting, it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'm feeling really good this morning.  I slept pretty well, and the only thing on my mind when I went to bed was why I didn't bring work home with me to do.  That was kinda dumb, but I've got plenty of stuff to keep me occupied around the house.  

You ever just have one of those feelings where you just get this little burst of happiness, but have no idea where it's coming from?  That's kinda how I feel right now.  Like I'm really happy, but there's no specific reason for it.  It's definitely not a bad thing, and I love feeling this way.  There are times when you get that upset stomach feeling when you know something bad is about to happen, so it's only right that there should be times when you get that little burst of excitement or happiness when something good might be about to happen.  Maybe that's what it is.  Maybe something good is going to happen, or maybe something bad isn't going to happen.  Either way, I'll take it.

I said in my blog yesterday that I've kind of become numb to my feelings.  The bad feelings.  And I'm really starting to believe that.  It's almost like I've reached the point of acceptance that I can take on just about anything that's thrown my way, that I'm not going to give up no matter how much I have felt like I should, and I will keep moving forward one step at a time.  

There are some people in this world that need just one person on their side.  Someone who has to prove that they're not going to give up, that's going to support them, love them, and be there for them no matter what.  And those people don't cause pain for the sake of causing pain, they do so because they aren't used to having or don't believe that they have someone that will really do those things.  They try and push away that one person, testing the limits, testing the lengths that one person will be willing to go, and making that one person prove that they really can count on them through all the bad as well as the good.  

And I've said countless times that I am that one person for someone, but even though I said it, I kept having doubts.  Now, I really know that it's true.  The numbness that I've taken on in my feelings isn't so much numbness as it is acceptance.  I have accepted my place, I have accepted that I really will do whatever I need to do and put up with whatever I need to put up with, because I'm not willing to give up.  

With this acceptance of the fact that I am that one person for someone else has come the realization that the same person I'm there for is the person who is there for me.  He is my rock just as much as I am his.  No matter what we go through, no matter how mad we get, no matter how much he tests me or pushes me away, we are there for each other.  We can't stay mad, we can't walk away, we can't let go.  Lord knows, we've both tried.  But, it doesn't take long before everything just smooths out and picks back up.  

Sure, it's taken a while to realize all of this, but it's starting to piece together and I'm understanding stuff better.  As I've said many times before, life is full of tests.  How we handle those tests speaks volumes to who we are and who we become.  Some people would have given up a long time ago, but I am not one of them.  I'm in it for the long haul, I've found my peace, and I am putting one foot in front of the other.  I know that there will be continue to be challenges.  I know that there will continue to be tests.  I know that there will be situations that make me feel uncomfortable, sad, or angry.  But, every day I become more and more strong, more and more able, and more and more devoted to doing what I originally set out to do and making it all work out for the best.

Am I scared? No.

Do I believe I can handle it?  Yes.

Do I think it will be easy?  Not at all.

But, I'm confident.  I'm able.  I'm willing.  That's all I need.  

I'm going to keep my feet firmly planted, keep my eyes facing forward, and do what I have to do.  

Right now, though, I'm going to enjoy this snow day.

Have a great day, everyone!

Back to Life...Back to Reality

Well, it's back to work today.  We got a snow day yesterday, and if the forecast holds true for tomorrow, it may be the only day I have to work this week.  They're calling for up to 5" of snow tomorrow, and that will take us out for another few days.  I just hope there's still bread, milk, and eggs available at the store when I go after work...HA!

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  My head was swirling with thoughts, things I needed to do, and decisions that I need to make.  No matter how much I tried to ignore them and shut my brain down, it just wasn't happening.  I last looked at the clock at 3:47AM and my alarm goes off at 4:30AM, so I know this is going to be a long day.  And it will definitely be an early night for me tonight, too.  

Life is definitely about to change for me.  Not sure exactly how, but it's going to change.  And it's going to change because I'm changing.  I'm starting to realize a lot more, see a lot more, and understand a lot more stuff that I was blind to these past couple of months.  Things are starting to make sense even though they make no sense at all.  What I mean is that things I was trying so hard to ignore are just impossible to ignore anymore.  I have to face facts.  I have to stop holding on to something that's not there.  I have to stop being someone that I'm not.

I have three amazing children, I have a beautiful home, I have the career I've dreamed about having my whole life, and I have amazing friends that are here for me.  That's enough.  I don't need anymore.  I thought I did, but I don't.  All of those things make me happy, and I need to realize how much I truly have.  

I am a strong woman with good values, a kind heart, and a caring, loving personality.  I protect and am there for the people I truly care about, and will give the shirt off my back if one of those people needed me to.  I have a lot of love in my heart, and when I offer up that love it comes with few conditions.  I am honest and loyal, and take pride in those traits.  I often put the needs of others before my own, and will do so without any expectations or agreement for anything in return.  Except maybe respect, honesty, and appreciation.  I think I'm a good person, and I've decided that I'm not willing to change any of those things about myself.  

But what is changing is the fact that I have always been the person that shut myself away, carried my emotions on my shoulders, and tried not to burden anyone else with my problems.  Yet, I've realized that those things weigh me down and interfere with being who I am.  Now is the time for me to get out there, show people what I'm made of, and just enjoy life.  Why not?  

I know that life is going to be a little tough for me, transitioning in to being a single mother, taking on the expenses and responsibilities alone, but I can do it.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  Am I a little nervous?  Sure.  But, one thing I definitely know about myself is the fact that I'm a fighter.  I'm a survivor.  I take bad situations and I turn them around.  I get stuff done!  I take care of stuff that needs to be taken care of, and I manage.  I may not have all the answers, right now, but I'll figure them out.

It's almost like I've become numb to bad feelings.  I've gone through so many emotional rollarcoasters these past couple of months that my emotions have taken such a beating, they just don't feel the lashings anymore.  And I'm not saying that in a bad way.  It has all made me stronger, more capable, and has ignited the fighter instinct in me.  I fight for what I want.  I don't give up.  I stand toe to toe with tough situations and I deal with them.  

So, it's back to life... back to the reality of what's really going on... and it's time to deal.  

I can do this. 

Have a great day, everyone!!

The New Chapter

Yesterday, I very much considered shutting down my blog.  Ending it.  Taking it away so that I couldn't say anything else wrong, upset anyone, or give out too much information about my life.  Because the last thing I really want to do when I write is any of those things, but I often end up doing all of those things anyway.  But, I love writing.  I love blogging.  I blog so that I can share my thoughts and feelings with the world, and it's just something that helps me emotionally and mentally.

So, I changed my mind. 

The blog isn't going anywhere.  However, I have now set up a private journal that I can write in about my deepest, darkest feelings, and keep all that mess away from the public eye.  I think that will be good for me.  I think having two places to write will be even better.  It doesn't mean I'll stop writing about my feelings and what's going on in my life, here, but I can filter and censor what I share here with what I need to keep to myself.

The last blog post I wrote came across as kinda mean and hateful.  I get that.  It wasn't my intention.  I would never try and tell people to stop caring about me.  I'm thankful and blessed to have so many people in my life that do care about me.  My words were simply away of telling those people that do care that I'm a hard one to figure out.  I often say things that are taken wrong, or I am often vague about what's going on about me which lead to misconceptions.  There is so much more to my story that I do keep locked away, and I only share small portions here and there.  That makes matters worse, I know, which is why I feel  the need to stop doing that.  When I told people to STOP IT, I wasn't talking about caring.  I was talking about trying to make sense of my thoughts, trying to understand my decisions, and trying to figure out why I was doing what I was doing.  I can understand being concerned, I can understand caring about me... that's not what I was telling everyone to stop doing.  

But, again, misconceptions and misunderstanding.  I say one thing, I mean another... one of the downfalls to public blogging.

This weekend has been really good for me in terms of realizing a few things, coming to some understandings, and as Eminem would say "cleaning out my closet".  I've considered some of the things I've been dealing with lately, stewed on them for a while, and made some decisions.  Where I go from here on out is anyone's guess, but I now know that I need to clear out some clutter and get rid of some of the stuff that's been bringing me down.

One thing that I'm definitely going to start doing from here on out is focusing on myself a bit more.  I've tried to be nice, help others, and do what I can to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness.  That is stopping right now.  My friend was absolutely right when she posted that quote about making my own happiness, and that will never come from trying to make other people happy or expecting others to make me happy.  I have to start controlling my own happiness.    

I have no problem helping, being there, and supporting someone.. But it's gonna be on my terms. I meant what I said about never giving up, but I'm not gonna roll over anymore.  And I know I've said that before.  But, I really think I mean it this time. 

Time will tell, I suppose.  But, one thing I do know is that I feel good.  I don't feel sad, mad, or upset.  For the first time, I just feel like it is what it is. There's stuff that's got to happen, and I'm gonna make it happen.

But today I'm moving forward, I'm starting a new chapter.  Life is calling, and it's about time I picked up the phone.  Time to start creating my own happiness, and making each day count.

Have a great day, everyone!!

Don't Try to Understand Me

I'm so sad and angry right now.  Why? Because yesterday afternoon, Mother Nature decided to have a mood swing and dump about 2" of snow down on us.  And to make matters worse, she must REALLY be ticked off because it's supposed to continue snowing pretty much all day long and dump another 2-4" down on us.

Why on earth she couldn't have this mood swing in the middle of the week, I don't know, but now my whole weekend is ruined... and it was THE weekend I'd been waiting on for over a month.  This weekend, I was supposed to be watching the Ronda Rousey fight with the person that has gotten me in to UFC fighting.  And it was the fight that I'd really been looking forward to, like REALLY looking forward to because I've never seen her fight an actual fight before.  

I can still watch the fight, and I plan on it.  But it won't be the same.  It's almost like Valentine's Day all over again.  I get to sit all alone in my living room, watching a fight I should be enjoying with him. And it just SUCKS!!

It's been almost a week since I've gotten to see him, and that's hard on me.  It's one of the reasons I was so upset yesterday in my blog post, because I had really wanted to spend some time with him on Thursday and he shut me down.  I let it go, though, because I knew that we'd at least be able to watch the fight together tonight... and now that's not going to happen.  Now I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other.  

Even though we are only friends, our time together is important to me.  That is not a mutual thing between us, as he made apparent on Thursday night.  It's easier for him because he has friends and family right there with him all of the time.  I don't.  It's just me and the kids at my house, now, and it sure does get pretty lonely, pretty quickly.

It's statements like the one I just made that probably led a concerned friend to post a little quote thing on my Facebook yesterday that said...

"You are responsible for your own happiness.  If you expect others to make you happy, chances are you'll end up disappointed."

There's a lot of truth in that statement, but what I don't think anyone quite realizes is the fact that he makes me happy without me expecting him to.  No, his actions don't make me happy.  The way he often treats me doesn't make me happy.  But, that's because I'm not expecting him to make me happy.. that's something that happens without anything he does.  I'm happy when he's happy, I'm sad when he's sad, I'm happy when I get to spend time with him, I'm sad when I don't.  Those are all my own choices... I AM responsible for the way I choose to be happy.  And I know that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else but me, but I understand.  It's impossible to explain.

I don't expect anything from him, because I do know that when I do I end up disappointed.  I do know that.  I understand that.  I really do.  And that's not his fault.  He's told me what to expect from him, and I continue to go along with it.  That's MY choice.  I am 100% responsible for what I continue to go through, because in the end I know that without him I'd be 100 times more unhappy than what I am right now.  

I believe in No Pain, No Gain.  In order to get some good out of something, there has to be some bad. There has to be heartbreak, upset, and disappointment in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Just being around him makes that light so much brighter.  There doesn't need to be intimacy, it's not about that.  It's just the fact that I am happy spending time with him.  

He's basically my best friend.  The best friend that I would do anything for, will do anything for, and have done everything I can, so far, to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere and I'll always be there for him.  That's my choice.  I don't expect the same from him.  I haven't asked for the same from him.  Because that's not what this is all about.  It is a one way street, and I'm driving the street alone, and that is all my own doing.

I know that it makes no sense to anyone else, but honestly?  I don't care!!  There I said it.  I'm so tired of how people look at me, judge me, feel sorry for me.  STOP IT!!  I have never asked for sympathy or understanding from anyone.  Just because I write about how sad I am sometimes doesn't mean I expect anyone to feel sorry for me... it's just my way of dealing with everything.  I am perfectly fine.  I am strong enough and smart enough to know how much I can deal with, and believe me, I was built to handle A LOT.  I would NEVER continue on this path if I didn't think I was cut out for it or strong enough to handle everything that's thrown my way.  

Maybe I do care too much.  Maybe I do worry more about him than I worry about myself.  Maybe I do put his happiness before my own.  But that's because those actions mean something to ME.  They mean a lot to me.  Nobody has ever done any of those things for me, before.  Nobody has ever cared that much about me in that way.  And I know how that feels.  It's a sad, lonely feeling.  By doing those things for him, it makes me happy... gives me some hope...challenges me to be stronger... helps me overcome my own weaknesses and insecurities.

It's no secret that I do all of those things because one day, he might realize what I've done, might realize how I've always been there, and might realize that we could be pretty freakin' happy together.  I don't know if that day will ever come, but you can bet your last dollar that I'll never give up.  

Fifteen years ago, I was told I would never amount to anything.  I would be a single mom, living on welfare for the rest of my life, struggling to make ends meet.  I didn't give up on the fact that I wouldn't allow that to happen.  I worked hard.  I paid my bills.  And I gave my kids everything they needed.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

Fourteen years ago, I was told that I'd never break free from the horrible relationship I was in.  I would continue to put up with the abuse, and I'd continue to be unhappy.  I didn't give up on the fact that I'd free myself, free my children, and prove that I had what it takes to be strong.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

Eight years ago, I was told I'd never be able to make it through college with two kids, working, and trying to support a family.  I didn't give up on the fact that I'd do it.  I did make it through college.  I added another child to the mix.  I worked, I studied, I took care of my kids, and I graduated.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

I am no stranger at being told I can't do something, or I shouldn't do something.  I am no stranger to being told what's best for me, and how I should live my life.  But, you know what?  It's MY life.  I make my own choices, I do what I want to do, and I face whatever challenges are thrown my way.  Nobody controls me, nobody has that power over me... everything I do is because I have made the choice to do it.  

I appreciate the concern, I do.  But, sometimes I just gotta say what I gotta say.  

I'm a big girl.  I take on what I can handle and no more.  But, like I said, I can handle a lot.  I will gladly take on the challenges that are thrown my way.  I don't give up.  I don't walk away from something I truly want.  It just isn't who I am.  

So, it's probably best that everyone stop trying to figure me out, stop worrying about me, and let me just do my thing.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and the choices I make to achieve it are my own choices.  That is all.

Just Take Out the Batteries

                                      

Sometimes I feel just like a toy.  One of those toys that kids get that they play with for a few days straight, then they get bored with it and toss it in to the corner.  Every now and then, when there's nothing else to do, the kid gets the toy out, dusts it off, and plays with it for a little while.  But, then it's back in to the corner.  And then eventually, the kid gets so bored with the toy that they decide to get the idea that it would be fun to start pulling the toy apart, breaking off pieces here and there, crippling and mangling the toy until it's almost unrecognizable.

That's what I've felt like, yet the difference between me and that toy?  I have feelings.

I have felt what it's like to be the toy that's played with and enjoyed for a while.  I have felt what it's like to be the toy that has some use when there's nothing else to do.  And I have most definitely felt what it's like to be pulled apart, pieces broken off, and crippling me just for the sake of pure enjoyment.

And just like that toy, no matter what damage is done, it doesn't matter to the kid who the toy belongs to.  

If those toys had feelings, if they could speak, if they could react, it would be a miserable life to live.  They would scream for someone to just remove the batteries, so that they wouldn't have to endure the torture of resentment, being tossed away when something better comes along, being pulled out only when there's nothing better to do, and the sheer pain that comes from the sick pleasure of being broken.

And the worst part is the fact that, if that toy had an ability to feel, they'd tell you that all they want is to make their kid happy.  Bring some pleasure to the life of whoever they belong to.  And that they don't expect to be played with all the time, but they don't like to be forgotten either. 

Unfortunately, I'm not a toy, so I feel every. single. bit of it.

And the worst part is, the more I beg for the torture to stop, the more enjoyable it seems to continue.  

Apparently, it's fun to test my durability.  See just how much I can take before I snap into a million pieces that are impossible to be put back together.  I already feel like I've been glued and duct taped back together too many times to count, and each time some damage is repaired, it makes it a little more difficult for me to perform to my original standards. 

But, I'm not a toy.  I shouldn't be treated as one.  I shouldn't be played with, only serve a purpose when there's nothing better to do, or broken in to pieces out of pure enjoyment.  I'm better than that.  I deserve better than that.  

I definitely don't mind being called upon when someone wants to spend time with me, but what about when I want to spend time with them?  Why should my feelings and desires be less important?  Why  should I have to sit around waiting for the shots to be called?  How is it fair that I do so much to make others happy when they get so much pleasure from my pain?

It's not fair.  It's not right.  

I am not a toy, but I still have delicate pieces.  Pieces that once they are broken, are dang near impossible to repair.  Pieces that no amount of glue or duct tape could ever fix.  And as much as I would love it, I have no batteries that can be taken out to spare me from the pain that I endure.  

Yet, just like a toy, I put up with it.  I cling to the hope that I'll be played with, that someone will enjoy spending time with me, waiting around in the corner hoping that today will be the day that my kid gets bored enough to put me to some use.  

And all I can say is why?

Why treat me that way?  What did I do to deserve it?  Why get so much pleasure from my pain, when all I do is try and make you happy?  Why try and break me? 

When all I do is try and give you comfort, happiness, and love.. that is the thanks that I get.  

The sad part is, there are others out there that wouldn't treat me that way.  They wouldn't do what is being done to me.  They would give their right arm to show me what I'm trying to show someone else. Yet, I put up with it.  I let it to continue.  I allow myself to be played with, just like a toy.  

Call me stupid, call me crazy... but also call me loyal.  Because I don't know many people who would put up with it.. yet I do.  No matter what, I still sit in that corner hoping and waiting for some attention.  No matter what, I swallow away the pain that comes from the torture.  No matter what, I continue to try and bring some happiness even when I feel so damaged.

Because in my twisted head, I hope and pray that one day.... one day... when all the other toys have found a new owner, or have finally broken from their own torture, I will still be sitting in that corner, ready to play, ready to be there.  And then you will finally realize what I meant by ALWAYS. I will always be the one there for you, through good times and bad, when everyone else has turned their back on you or given up... I will still be there.  Waiting.

When you least expect it, I'll be the toy you pull out of the box and realize that you've had me since you were a kid, you'll remember the good times and the bad, the memories we made together, and then... maybe then... you'll realize how I always stood by you, was there for you, and deserves to be there with you again.

Good things come to those who wait, huh?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Look Inside and You Will See....

The last couple of days, I've been making some references to the fact that I don't like being taken at face value and that there's more to me than most people are willing to get to know.  That raised a few questions and people got curious to what I meant by that.  Am I one person to some, another person to others?  Am I hiding away an alter ego that only comes out at certain times?  Am I trying to be someone that I'm not?  And so on.

My comment about being taken at face value simply means that many people look at me and see one thing, yet it's not what I want them to see.

I often wonder what people sometimes think when they look at me.  Not so much what they think about me, more about what they see in me.  I know that I'm a pretty ordinary looking girl.  I'm not exactly beautiful, but I'm not ugly.  I have flaws, I have imperfections, and I definitely can't compete to some of the "babes" that are out there.  

But looks are surface level stuff.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that they dream about my eyes.  Something about looking in to them and seeing things... a world of mystery.  And for a split second in that moment, I got a glimpse of someone trying to see what was inside of me.  What thoughts I had, what pains I went through, and my dreams and fantasies for the future.  

I have read somewhere that the eyes are the gateway to the soul.  Some people have the ability to look deep in to someone's eyes and know what they are thinking, what they are feeling, and what they desire.  I am not one of those people.  I don't have that ability.  But, I like to believe that my eyes can be the gateway in to my soul and that the right person could probably know everything there is to know about me by looking in to my eyes.

I have often said that I am an open book.  I write about my life, my thoughts, and my feelings.  Many people think that I spill way too much of myself in to these blogs.  But what those people don't realize is that the words I share on these pages are just a minuscule amount of what I am.  Who I am.  They are also deceiving, because I often say a lot and then what I have to say is taken completely wrong or out of context and what people assume about me ends up way off from what I originally intended.

But, there are a select few people out there that read what I have to say and can connect.  They understand, or can at least relate to what I'm trying to say.  They feel similar connections to people, have similar insecurities, or are dealing with similar situations and understand where I'm coming from.

People who thought they knew me well are now questioning that fact.  People that didn't know me at all are now understanding me better.  It fascinates me how connections between people work.

Chemistry between people is a fascinating thing.  I have often wondered what causes certain connections between people.  I often wonder why one person can love another so much, give so much of themselves to that person, yet the other person feels nothing.  Then, you find out that someone feels that exact same way about you, and then you feel nothing for them.  What goes on in our minds and bodies to cause such chemistry?  Is it a cosmic connection?  Is it destiny?  Is it biological?  

I know that if someone really wanted to get to know the real me, look inside and see what I'm hiding, I'd compare what they'd see to fire.  Burning, giant flames of desire.  In the past few months those flames have risen to great heights.  They flare during good times, they flare even more during the bad.  I have felt more emotions in the past two months than I have the past fifteen years of my life.  Yet, even though those flames have been raging out of control, I have done everything in my power to keep the fire out of my eyes, keep them extinguished from the surface, and try and pretend that I'm not burning from the inside out.  Sometimes the flames burn a little out of control and rush to the surface.  And that comes from my anger and confusion at wanting something so badly, yet not being able to do anything to get it.  

All I can do now is try and control the fire.  Keep it locked away the best that I can, and hope that eventually the blaze will start to smolder.  The flames will never die out, I know that for sure.  Nothing will ever replace the feelings I have, but hopefully they will start to decrease to a manageable level.

In my chest beats a heart that has been bashed, beaten, and tested beyond limits.  Yet it still beats.  There are days that I wonder if it will continue beating because it feels so empty, and there are days that it beats so strong I wonder if it will stay in my chest.  

And, I often ask myself how someone can't understand how much of a beating to my heart I'm willing to take for them.  How can someone, like myself, have so much love to give, so much desire to make another happy, is willing to take so much pain and so much agony, and not break from it all?  Why am I not able to give up?  Why am I not able to turn away?  Why am I not able to put out the fire that burns inside of me?

Why am I not good enough?

That's the question it really boils down to.  No matter what I'm feeling, what I'm willing to do, what lengths I'm willing to travel to, the question remains why am I not good enough? 

Inside of me, I know that I have the ability to be there, make someone happy, give them all I have to give... but it's not good enough.  I'm not good enough.  

And that's a very painful pill to swallow.

There's nothing I can do about it.  Lord knows I've tried, I'm trying.  I have tried to prove myself, my worth, my willingness to be there.  And, I know that these thoughts will lead to concern from some, and others will tell me to give up, move on... that it's not worth it.

But, it is worth it.  To me.

I may not ever be good enough to get what my heart truly desires.  But, the road I am traveling comes with great lessons.  I'm learning each day new things about myself.  Boundaries I'm willing to cross, challenges I'm willing to face.  My path may not lead to what I truly want, but they will end up leading me somewhere.  I truly believe that.  And I'm willing to travel the road and see what's waiting for me at the end.

I may not be good enough for what I want, but maybe there's something else waiting for me that I don't even know about yet.  And I might as well keep going down the path until I find it.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T....Find Out What it Means to ME!

                                        

Yesterday was one of those days that drained my emotions and left me with that "I'll be so glad when this day is over" feeling.  I hate days like that.  But, they seem to come less frequent than they did a few weeks ago.  And that's because I honestly think I'm starting to wake up from my dream world, realize what's going on around me, and understand that I'm not a door mat for people to walk all over.  

I am convinced that there are just some people in this world who can't be pleased.  No matter what you do for them or what you're willing to do for them, it's never enough.  And it's so emotionally draining to the soul, that you have to finally stand up and say enough is enough.  You can't appreciate me?  You can't understand the sacrifices and the lengths I go to for you?  Then, shove it where the sun don't shine and move on, my friend.

Peanut and I had a long conversation in the car, yesterday, and it was a great wake up call to who I am, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be.  That girl is WAY beyond her years, and her wisdom speaks volumes.  She notices her surroundings, takes in everything, lets it digest a while, and then speaks her mind.  That's one thing I can say I had a lot to do with instilling inside of her.  Even though I may be a little impulsive and react without thinking everything through, recently, I haven't always been like that.  I have, up until a few months ago, been the person that plans, prepares, calculates, and thinks about EVERYTHING.  

The only thing I don't like is the fact that she can read me like a book.  If she asks how my day was and I tell her it was good, fine, or OK, she can look at me and know instantly if I'm being honest or if I'm just giving her the generic response of "don't worry about me".  Yesterday was one of those days where she was able to call me out in an instant.  Even though I don't like to tell her what's bothering me or what my problems are, she can usually make a pretty good assessment of a situation and figure stuff out for herself.  Yesterday, that was the case.  She didn't know what was bothering me, she just knew something was bothering me.  But, it wasn't about what was bothering me that made her take notice, it was the way I was handling it.  She noticed the anger rather than the sadness, and that actually made her happy.  

Peanut told me that she didn't like the person I was a few weeks ago.  The woman that cried herself to sleep, cried if a certain song came on the radio, hid away from everyone, and in her words was "depressed".  She told me that I'm not that person.  She's seen me go through a lot of bad stuff over the years, and one thing she's always loved about me is my fighter attitude.  The never give up, it will all work out attitude.  The I will kick your rear if you mess with me attitude.  And yesterday, she noticed I'm starting to get it back.  

And she's right.  

I have really lost sight of who I am, the past couple of months.  I am the woman that demands respect.  You show me respect, I'll show you respect.  I will be honest with you, and I expect that in return.  Trust is something I don't give out easily, so if I give it to you then it means something.  And loyalty is something I only give to those that truly stand out from the pack.  I am loyal to my children, unconditionally.  And if someone else manages to fall in to that category of earning my loyalty, they have won the jackpot... because it does NOT come easily.  What I'm willing to do for those I am loyal to is pretty much go to the ends of the earth.  There's not much I wouldn't do, actually.  Which is why it is such a rarity in my being to give it to anyone but my kids.

But, as Peanut brought light to yesterday, it wasn't respect for others that I had lost, it was respect for myself.  I was so willing to please someone else, I was giving up who I am.  I was breaking myself down, losing myself in the shuffle.  I was grasping at straws that weren't there, clinging to hope that was long gone, and praying to all things holy that my actions (however pathetic they were) would speak volumes of my respect, honesty, trust, and loyalty for someone else.  But, what about the respect, honesty, trust, and loyalty that I deserve?

So, I decided to come up with a little acrostic of how I define respect...what I expect, and how I show it.  Here goes...

R - Realize what is being done for you

E - Eliminate those that don't appreciate you or what you're willing to do 

S - Stand strong, and don't let others walk all over you

P - Practice humility and understand the feelings of others

E - Empower yourself, and take notice of what empowers you 

C - Care for those that show you care

T - Trust your instincts 

That's what respect means to me, or some of it.  I take notice when someone goes out of their way for me, and I expect others to do the same when I go out of my way for them.  If people don't understand the sacrifices I make for them or how much I do for them, it's time to eliminate them from my life.  Then, there's more to go around for the people that do appreciate what I do.  When life is breaking me down, I need to stand strong and understand that it will all work out.  Nothing has broken me before, it's not going to break me now.  I need to practice humility and understand what others may be feeling.  The problem I have is putting other people's feelings before my own, and that's something I really need to work on NOT doing.  I am empowered by my weaknesses and I notice those weaknesses.  Then I use them to build myself up and move on.  Caring for others is something I can do, but it's choosing the right people. If I'm draining myself for the sake of someone else, there are changes that need to be made.  And, trusting my instincts is imperative.  I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason.  Some of the things I do may not make sense at the time, but eventually I get to understand why I fought the battles in the first place.

I am so sick and tired of being the person people know they can depend on.  I am sick and tired of being the person that cares so much about making others happy, that I lose my own happiness in the process.  I am so sick and tired of being the first person on someone's list if they need something, when my own list of people I can call upon is empty.  And I'm so sick and tired of being taken at face value, when there's so much more to me that people don't even know exists.

Peanut was right yesterday, I am not the person I've been showing the past few weeks.  It's not who I am.  I changed who I was because I thought that was what was wanted... but I'm quickly realizing that I've spent too much of my life changing for the sake of others.  I change myself to please others.  I do things I don't want to do, I put a smile on my face when I'm dying inside, and I pretend that life is peachy when I want to scream my lungs out.  

It's time to let that go and have a little respect for myself.  I am who I am.  If that's not good enough, then so be it.  I'm done pretending.  I'm done trying to be someone that I'm not.  And I'm most definitely done with cowering down and locking myself in to myself.  

I respect myself too much to allow it to continue anymore.  

So, have a great day, everyone.  I'm going to.  No. Matter. What.