I Want the Pain To Go Away.....Again!

Dear Diary...

I'm pretty sure I've said this a thousand times, but I LOVE cold weather.  I love being able to snuggle up in the evenings in front of a crackling fire place.  I love going to bed and having to pile on blankets because there's a chill in the air.  I've always loved cold weather. 

We haven't had much cold weather in my neck of the woods, this winter.  There have been days here and there where the temps have been in the 30s and 40s, but then there's a week or two of temps in the 60s.  The temperature has been up and down like a yo-yo since October.  It just can't make up it's mind.  Yesterday, we got a dusting of snow - after two continual weeks of temps in the high 60s  Right now, I'm pretty sure it's about 20 degrees outside.  I don't have to look at a thermometer to know this.  I can fill it in my bones.  Literally.

Thus, brings me to what I have on my mind this morning.  My aches and pains. 

Since high school, I've had some serious problems with my knees.  I had a nasty injury as a sophomore in high school that left hardly any cartilage around my knee cap.  I'm one of those people that can feel cold weather and rain coming just by the pain in my knee.  For years, I've relied on braces and ice packs to help ease the discomfort.  That was, until I lost weight. 

In April of 2010, I hobbled my way through my first 5K.  It was agony.  After I was done, I was on the couch for 2 days after because I couldn't walk from the pain.  Slowly, but surely, I recovered and kept working hard to push my knee while running.  After about 60lbs were gone, the pain in my knee almost disappeared.  By the time I was down in to the 2-teens with my weight (80lbs lost), I had no more pain.  It was heaven.  I was able to run for miles and not even have a twinge of discomfort in my knee.  I knew it was because I had finally relieved the strain that was being put on my knee...the weight.

Now, the pain has returned.  Not just my knee pain, either.  Nope, now I have more aches and pains to throw in the mix. 

For the past couple of months, when Aunt Flo has made a visit, I've noticed an increase in pain.  It started out with the headaches.  I can now determine the exact date when Aunt Flo is coming by the migraine that always comes one week in advance.  I've had a few migraines in my life - bad enough to bring me to tears because the pain is so bad.  Now, they are occurring every month.  Then, there's the back pain.  Holy mother of Hades the back pain.  This just started...and I hate it.  I feel like I'm in labor.  The pain in my back comes and goes like contractions, and it's knocked the wind out of me several times over the past couple of days. 

I didn't have any of this nonsense when I weighed 212lbs.  The only pain I ever felt was from sore muscles - that I embraced as a sign of my hard work during a good work-out.  Now, I just have to stand up and I'm in agony.  Or the cold weather makes an appearance, and I feel it.

I was warned about the headaches and "other symptoms" when I got my new implant.  Of course, back then I was in the 220's.  That was the higher scale for being allowed to have the implant.  My doctor warned me that if I gained too much weight, I'd start noticing some complications.  She told me I could start experiencing headaches, cramping, back pain.  She told me.  Yet, I didn't let it phase me.  For the first two months I had no symptoms.  I had no problems. 

But, now that I'm floating around 240lbs... I've gone too far.  I'm in the "not advisable" category... yet, it's too late.  I already have the implant.  I'm now faced with two options:  Lose the weight or lose the implant.  The implant is not going anywhere. 

I know all of this is maybe TMI, and I'm sorry.  Well, not really.  The only thing I'm sorry about is letting myself get to the point where I even have to discuss something like this. 

I had an implant while back in 2010 when I was losing weight like a mad woman.  I can't and won't blame the implant for the weight gain.  Yes, I know that a side effect to many forms of birth control is weight gain... yet, that didn't affect me before so I'm not about to use it as a crutch now.  I was the one that gained the weight - all by myself.  I know face the consequences of my actions.  Not just in mental pain, but in physical pain.

It goes to show that there's a lot more at stake with gaining weight than just having clothes that no longer fit.  It also goes to show how in the blink of an eye, everything I worked so hard to achieve can be gone..and in it's place is pain and uncomfortableness. 

Gaining weight is easy.  It only requires two things.  Stuffing my face silly, and not working out.  Yet, reversing the damage is just as easy.  Stop stuffing my face silly and start working out.  This isn't my first rodeo.  I've been down this road more times than I care to count.  Yet, I never had the victory of being completely pain free like I was just over a year ago.  Having all of these comparisons really set the tone for what I'm achieving....again.

So, now I get to add another incentive to the work I'm doing.  I want to be pain free again.  I want to be able to work out and run for hours without having to worry about spending days recovering.  I don't want to be a personal weather gauge.  I don't want to roll out of bed for a week each month feeling like I'm an 90 year old woman stricken with crippling back pain. 

My goodness, you have no idea how much I can't wait for Feb. 4th to get here.  The day my new gym opens.  The day I get to walk in and meet with a trainer that's going to help me get back to that woman I was...and the woman I still want to be.  There's a lot to be done until then, though.  So I'm sucking up the pain.  It's now literally come down to Move It or Lose It.  Move my behind or lose my implant.  Again, the implant's not going anywhere.

Oh, and apparently I have another PMS symptom... feeling horribly sorry for myself.  Ready to get rid of that one, too!  This weekend's forecast calls for some serious movement... to help get rid of the gloomy clouds that have been hanging overhead for far too long!

Till next time. ;)