Weigh In Wednesday

Dear Diary...

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain.  Lots of rain. It's so hard to get out of bed when you hear rain pouring down.  Especially when you know you have to go out in it...and it would be so much nicer to just stay in bed.

I got up, though.  I had to.  It's weigh in day.  That's not why I had to get out of bed, I have to work.  But back to weigh in day.  After standing on the scale, I realized the rain was perfect to accompany the mood I'm now after seeing the results.

First let me start off with my Biggest Loser results.  Last week, I weighed in at 239.0lbs.  This week, I saw 241lbs.  A gain of 2lbs which cost me $2.  I knew once I saw that number, my own weigh in would be pretty close.

Last week for my weigh in, I weighed 239.4lbs.  This morning, I stepped on the scale and wasn't at all surprised to see...241.2lbs.

That means I've gained 1.8lbs in a week.  And there are no excuses.  I completely did this to myself.  I'm big enough (no pun intended) to admit that.  I had several incidents of not eating right.  So, I can't be all shocked to see such a gain.

Now the rain matches my mood.  Dreary.  A little sad.  No, a lot sad.

I will admit I was really angry when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning for the Biggest Loser.  It's my competitive edge that kicked in once I realized that I was the biggest gainer.  It's even harder when I'm the person running the competition and the other participants come to me to hear how I did - expecting good numbers.  It's so hard to admit to them, and myself, that I let myself gain 2lbs.

Once it happened, though, it was quite easy for me to stay clear of any junk food yesterday. Any time I got the slightest inclining to grab for a piece of chocolate, or any other form of sweet treat I could get my hands on, I saw the number on the scale in my head.  I used it to fuel my drive, and rid off those pesky temptations.  Would one piece of chocolate killed me?  No.  But I am committing to a week of absolutely no junk.  I'm going to use the numbers to fuel that fire...and pray to all things holy that I don't ever see a repeat of this week again.

Seeing an even bigger number on my own scale was even worse.  Even though the gain is smaller on my scale.  The differences in the number are about the same as they've always been.  Although, right now I like the scale at work better....even if it does make me only 0.2lbs lighter.  That's neither here nor there, though.

Being that I've gained 1.8lbs, I now have to knock my Reward Jar in to a negative number.  For every pound I lose, I earn $2.  But for every pound I gain, I lose $2.  Which means I'm going to be sitting at a negative.  I've lost money before I've even earned any.  That's pretty sad.  But, I know that the number is only temporary. 

Despite the bad news of my gain, I feel very grown up this morning.  My normal procedure for gaining so much weight would be for me to sit here and explain how I'm carrying a lot of water weight, or I'm constipated, or Aunt Flo could be coming in the next couple of weeks which of course could be causing the gain...not really, but in my head.  That's usually my course of action.  But this morning I don't feel like stating any of those things.  OK, I know I just did state them - but only to give you an idea of what I'd usually do, and not what I'm actually thinking this morning.  I know that none of those things are to blame.  My choices are to blame.  My actions are to blame.  I am to blame.

And before you think that I'm saying that because I feel all sorry for myself - don't.  You'd be wrong to assume that I feel sorry for myself at all.  Am I sad?  Yes.  But I know the mistakes I made.  I know the choices I made.  I also know how to fix them, and it's up to me to do that.  I can't sit around here in self pity because of it.  I have to do something about it.  If I don't do something about it, then I have no one else to blame but myself.  And admitting that is a very grown up step for me.

Apparently, watching the Biggest Loser this season is having a small impact on my thought process.  I'm really diving in to this "No Excuses" motto that they are promoting.  Is it helping push me out the door to get some exercise in?  No.  Not yet.  But, being able to admit I have a problem is the first step in the right direction.  Right? 

I do have a problem.  I know that.  That's why this next week of eating absolutely no junk is a big deal for me.  I have to prove to myself that the small steps count.  The slightest of changes can have a big impact.  That's what I'm hoping for.  That's what I believe.

So, while I know I've said this many times before, and there's absolutely no reason why you should believe me now... I know I won't see that number again.  I'm kissing it goodbye.  I'm letting it drift away.  Maybe next week I'll be right back to where I started... but that's OK.  I'm OK with that.  It's as long as I keep going in that direction from now on that's the most important. 

Regardless of how many times I keep telling myself that.  I won't give up on believing it.  No matter how many times I falter, or have to swallow my own words.  I will keep moving forward.  I will start over as many times as it takes to let what I say actually sink in.  The gain isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of weakness.  The strength comes from letting the gain go, and never giving up.

Till next time. ;)