The One Where I Cry, Then Laugh, Then Realize I Might Be Going Crazy

Dear Diary...

It has been two days since I said I was going to go a whole week without eating junk food.   And guess what has two thumbs and couldn't even go two days?  In fact, who couldn't even go one day?   Yeah.  Me.  I ate peanuts and candy corn.  Mixed together.  Both days.

I want to cry.  Why?  Because I ate about a cups worth of candy corn and peanuts over the past two days.  Maybe it was a little more than that.  And I told myself that I wasn't going to eat ANY junk food this week.  NONE!  There's 150 calories in about 20 pieces of candy corn.  Which is about what I consumed each day.  There's 160 calories in a serving of peanuts.  I had probably two servings over the course of two days.  Together that's just over 300 calories in each days worth of junk food.  And I want to cry about it. 

For the past two days I can honestly say that apart from the junk food snacks, I have eaten very well.  I had a yogurt for breakfast both days.  On Wednesday I ate a big bowl of lettuce with tuna and light dressing as my lunch.  Yesterday I had a big bowl of lettuce, light dressing, and some low-fat buffalo chicken bites for lunch.  Dinners have not been the greatest food, but I've eaten a much smaller amount than I normally would.  If I counted calories, which I did just for this post, I ate about 1461 calories on Wednesday and 1548 calories yesterday.  And yes, that's including my junk food.

Now I want to laugh.  Yes, I'm weak and wasn't even able to go two days without being tempted by a sweet and salty snack like peanuts mixed with candy corn.  But, even though I did, I still ate less than 1600 calories each day - which would be my target number of calories if I were counting calories.  Crazy, isn't it?

Oh, and this is the part where I think I might be going crazy.  I don't want to eat junk food.  I want to believe that I can do something as simple as going a week without eating it.  Obviously that's not the case, but then I see that when I did give in to temptation - I was still able to maintain a pretty good calorie level.  It drives me nuts!!

I am torn between my junky snack being a curse and a blessing.  As much as I tried to stay clear of the snack all day long... it was in the break room all day.  I finally gave in later in the afternoon when my sweet and salty teeth were screaming at me.  Then I ate them.  Not just one day, either, but both days.  But then I think about my "usual" junk food temptations.  Pizza.  Burgers.  King size candy bars.  Donuts.  Handfuls of mini-chocolate bars.  Those are my usual go-to junk.  There are far more worse things I could have eaten besides a cup of peanuts with a few pieces of candy corn mixed in. 

Call me crazy, or weak, or full of excuses all you want - but if the worst thing I do each day is eat a handful of peanuts with a few pieces of candy corn mixed in, I'll be a very happy woman.  Will that happen every day?  Of course not... but there are far worse things I could be eating every single day.

Then I realized, this is what I've been telling myself all along.  This is the mantra I've been trying to develop and live by.  There's no reason I can't have a little sweet or salty treat here and there - it's what I choose and how much of it I eat that's key. 

Oh, and to boost my ego a little more, I walked the track at school yesterday.  Twice.  In heeled boots and a dress!  Call me crazy...which won't be the first time... but I actually decided to walk a couple of laps around the playground yesterday despite the fact that I was dressed in work clothes.  Do I advise doing that on a daily basis?  No.  I need to make sure I plan ahead and take tennis shoes with me... but I wasn't about to just stand there, like I always do, when I had 15 minutes to do a little walking.  It wasn't enough to work up a sweat, but it was enough to get my body moving.  Something that hasn't happened all too much in the past month.  I'm no stranger to the fact that a little movement can go along way. 

The nay-sayers and the people who think I do nothing but make excuses are probably having a fit right about now - but I'm actually totally OK with what I've done over the past two days.  I know I wasn't able to keep up with the smallest of goals.  In their opinion, maybe I proved  that I do need a little professional help when it comes to giving in to such a small thing as junk food the size of a peanut or a piece of candy corn.  But I'm not going to let their thoughts of me sway my opinion on the situation.  It wasn't the end of the world.  It wasn't a huge binge.  I'm OK and didn't eat a bazillion calories that are now going to be the cause of another 2lbs gain on the scale next week. 

If my head stayed in this mind-set every day, I'd be so much further along in my journey than I am now.  I let my mind take over way too much.  If I were to let this situation be a bad thing, it would eat at me... probably causing even more damage.  I don't want to do that.  A small light appeared to me far off in the distance this morning, when I sat down and realized how not bad the situation really was.  Yeah, the light at the end of the tunnel was barely noticeable... but I saw it shining.  If I can continue to focus on that very small light, then maybe I'll be drawn to it... making the light get bigger and bigger.

I reinforced, once again, why I don't like setting goals for myself.  For some reason, I just don't have much luck with it - which causes a situation of failure.  You would have thought I'd learned my lesson months ago - but I didn't.  So, I'm in a situation, again, where I set a goal I couldn't stick with.  So I'm going to say this once again... and pray to all things holy that it really sticks this time:  NO MORE SETTING GOALS!!  I know that sounds bad.  Goals are what lead people in the right direction, give them direction, give them something to work for.  That's what goals do for other people.  For me?  Goals seem to turn me around in the opposite direction.  Even losing weight can't be a goal for me.  It's a journey.  It will never end.  I will always be faced with struggles - even when I'm sitting here about 80lbs less than what I weigh now.  And yes, I said WHEN not if. There is no goal for me to reach... there's just a path I have to walk down.  A mindset I have to come to terms with.  I'm moving in the right direction, in my opinion, so that's a small win.  And I'll take it.

Till next time. ;)