Mind Over Matter

Dear Diary....

This morning, I feel fatter and more bloated and more miserable about my weight than I have in months.  And it's not because of Aunt Flo.  Well, not all of it, anyway. 

Despite being in a constant battle with my weight for years, the past two years I've embraced the changes I made within myself in 2010...and really started to like the body that was appearing before me.  Even as I was gaining weight at a rapid pace last year, I wasn't ready to give up the fact that I was losing that trimmer me that I had worked so hard to mold.  I felt my pants getting tighter, I felt the need to have to up a pant size, but I never felt the weight gain really affecting me other than that.

This morning, for some reason, it did.  It hit me hard.  After I searched for clothes, and then found an outfit that I thought was cute (a dress and leggings), I got a horrible smack in the face once I put it on.  The arms of the dress are tight.  It doesn't fit right around the middle.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt horribly fat looking at myself in the mirror.

Despite the name of my blog, I haven't referred to myself as fat for a while.  A lot of it had to do with my not wanting to admit how much damage I've done to myself.  Another part of it was because of the stern scolding I got from Draz a couple of months ago.  I promised myself that I was going to move away from thinking of myself as fat... but I can't help it today.  I feel fat.  I feel the fat. 

I stood on the scale again this morning.  Because, you know, there's nothing like adding fuel to a good blazing fire.  I've gained.  I'm still excusing myself from an "official" weigh in today...but I shouldn't.  It's just another excuse to not face the fact that I didn't start the year out how I'd planned.  I've completely wasted 10 days making excuses.... the one thing I told myself I wasn't going to do.

Starting 2012 off weighing 239.2 lbs wasn't pleasant.  Especially knowing that less than a year ago, I weighed 210lbs.  That's hard for me to swallow.  Seeing a number in the 240's?  That's just about enough to choke on.  When I said I didn't want to see the 239 number anymore, it didn't mean because I wanted to make it to the 240s.  Ugh!

I know my weight gain could be caused by Evil Monthly Woman.... but even that is an excuse.  If I'd really hankered down the past 10 days, and done what I should have done, then the monthly weight gain still wouldn't have put me above my starting weight for the year.  No, even she can't be blamed for what I saw this morning. 

Before you start thinking that I'm getting all depressed and thinking of just giving up... hold your horses!  That's not where I'm going with this mildly depressing post.  Yes, I feel fat.  Yes, I feel like it's my own fault.  Yes, it is all my own fault.  And, yes, I hate the way I feel.  BUT, and it's a big but - just like mine - I need to feel this way!  Whaaaatttt????  Am I crazy?  Maybe.  But it's true.  I need to feel fat.  I need to feel somewhat miserable.  I need to feel this frumpy, ugly feeling.  There's no other way I'm going to do something about it unless I feel it.  You see where I'm going here?

It occurred to me this morning that when I've been looking in the mirror, I haven't been paying attention.  I haven't been seeing the before weight-loss me standing there, smiling that evil "I told you I would win" smile.  I saw her this morning.  In her full 240-something pound glory.  She was so happy with herself.  She's lazy, she's fat, and she likes being that way.  Unfortunately for her, the post weight loss me has been around just long enough to not give up that easy.  She still remembers the wonderful feeling that came when slipping comfortably in a size 16 pair of jeans.  She still remembers how awesome it felt to be able to run 3 miles without having to stop for air - or an ambulance.  She still remembers the amazing feeling that came from people making constant compliments about how wonderful she looked and how hard she was working. She remembers and she wants it again.

So, sorry Before Weight Loss me...you made a bad mistake showing yourself to me this morning.  Bad for you, anyway.  I'm going to embrace this feeling of fatness and use it to my advantage.  I'm going to keep looking in the mirror and reminding myself how much I hate what I see when I see you.  I'm going to keep putting on clothes that are too tight and making myself feel awkward and frumpy.  I'm going to keep doing it because feeling that way makes me angry, it makes me sad, and most of all - it makes me determined to get rid of those feelings once and for all.

I'm joining that gym, damn it.  I will figure out something to do with the kids.  If I can find a corner for them to sit in and read for 45 minutes while I work out, I'll do it.  My kids know how important it is for me to succeed... if I lay on a little guilt trip about how I need them to be good so that I can succeed?  I'm sure they'll help me out.

This morning, I pulled out a picture that I'd planned on burning.  It's a photo that was taken right before Christmas - me sitting with Santa.  I hate the photo.  It's a photo of Before Weight Loss Me...and she has that smile on her face.  I've put it right next to my computer...so that even when I'm not looking at her in the mirror, I'm looking at her as I'm sitting here.  I will look at her every single day until she's gone... for good.  I've decided it's not looking towards what I want to look like, it's looking at what I want to get rid of that fuels my fire.  Well, the fire has been lit.  Game on!

Till next time. ;)