Are You There God? It's Me, Joanna

Dear Diary...

This week has been tough.  Tough on my mind.  Tough on my emotions. 

When I sit down at my computer to write in this blog, it's a process.  I have to be cautious with what I say.  I have to remember that my words are visible for anyone to see.  I can't always put my life out there - I'm in a position, or trying to be in a position, where the information I share with the world is monitored.  If I chose to share my life on a public blog, it can only be the parts of my life on surface level.

Being that writing is my coping mechanism for stress, I started a private journal.  A journal where I can yell and scream and let out all of my frustrations - away from the public eye.  It's necessary.  You see, there are only two places in which I keep my emotions.  Locked up in a tiny safe in the pit of my stomach, and in the pages of my private journal. 

After everything I've been though this week, my private journal has seen me a lot.  Yesterday, however, the tiny safe in my stomach got a little too full before I had a chance to empty it out on paper.  I cried.  Something I don't do very often - hardly ever, actually.  I was able to break free from being around people before the sobs let loose.  I hate crying in front of people.  I don't like my emotions to get the best of me.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough... but I made it just in time for the uncontrollable, heaving sobs to emerge.

When I sat down to write in my private journal this morning, I let the words fly freely.  I didn't censor what I had to say.  I let it all out... how I felt, what was going on in my mind.  I don't think about what I'm writing.. I just let my fingers do the talking.  And then I saw that I wrote this...

"I am in such a dark place, that if some light doesn't start to shine at the end of this scary, dark tunnel, I'm not sure how much more I can take"

Just taking this tidbit out of the whole page is a little dangerous.  The context can be confused in many different ways.  Just let me assure you that the context simply means in regards to my emotions and the stress.  It's related to the frustrations and upset with the job hunting.  That is all.  But the words still hold a lot of force.  When I reread these words, I think of defeat.  I think that I'm on the verge of giving up.  I'm basically screaming for a sign that the fight I'm fighting is worth is. 

After I finished writing, and dried up the tears, I went about my normal routine. The first step is visiting one of my favorite blogs:  Day #1 Again.  Written by Jenn.  She is a fighter in so many aspects.  Her words always make me feel better.  Yet, this morning, there were no words for me to read.  There was just a video.  A video she wanted her readers to see.  This video...

As I watched this video, I felt the sting of fresh tears.  I felt the dampness as they rolled down my cheeks.  Just moments before I had begged my private journal to give me a sign.  I asked it to tell me that the heartache was for a purpose.  I needed something to tell me that my fight wasn't in vain - there, indeed, would be some light at the end of the dark tunnel I'm traveling down.  And here it was - sitting right on a blog page - as if waiting for me. 

I don't think about my weight journey when I watch this video - I thought about my current life struggles.  So many situations have arose that tell me I'm never going to succeed in what I want to do.  Too many times, just this week, I've curled up in a ball and let the tears flow from my eyes and the sadness release from my stomach.  And then, I was introduced to Arthur.  He makes my troubles seem stupid - but the power in his message I can relate to. 

In one of my darkest moments, I asked for a sign.  And then, I got this.  No matter how tough things get, I can now remember Arthur.  I can carry him with me.  No matter how many times I fall - I will get back up.  One day, I will be share my story of how I overcame the walls that were in front of me...and share how Arthur and Jenn gave me the sign that I needed to keep going.

Thank you Arthur, and Jenn!!

Till next time. ;)