Monday, August 17, 2009

Relapse, Lack of Motivation...Failure!!

It is with a heavy heart, and a sad soul that I write this blog post. As some of you have noticed, I have been MIA the past 2 weeks. Yes, I have been very busy, but that's not the reason for my prolonged absense. The reason I stayed away from this blog, is because I knew that failure was knocking on my doorstep. My willpower began to fade 2 weeks ago, my desire to continue seem to disappear. I'm not sure what caused the sudden onset of failure - especially after I was doing so well - but it happened.

As with all addictions, relapses happen. I in no way want to make excuses as to what has happened, but I'm never going to overcome the addiction by dwelling on my failures. Life got tough, and I just wasn't tough enough to put up with it.

I don't think that all of my hard work is completely gone. Being that I didn't weigh myself during my challenge, I have no idea how much weight I lost to determine if I've put it all back on. I don't think I have, because I'm still wearing smaller clothes. I haven't gorged myself with food the past two weeks, but I haven't exactly watched my eating - or even worked out.

It's not worth spilling out my pity party story of why I think I let myself go - I just have to figure out how to stop it from happening again. My biggest fall back was the scheduled eating routine. I have never been someone to eat breakfast - and even though I managed to do it for a while for the sake of my challenge, it was always something that I had problems with. I've started looking at other alternatives to help with that. One of them is by using Slim Fast shakes for breakfast. I have a big problem eating breakfast, but do ok drinking it. I started snacking again - and not healthy snacking. Chips, ice-cream, candy - all making their way back into my house, and back into my life. UGH, I hate it even more now that I'm writing about it. Everytime I told myself I was going to go get on the treadmill, something came up that "prevented" it. (I use quotations as a way of showing that I could of avoided the interruptions, just chose not to).

So, what's changed? Why do I want to try again? Same reasons that I've wanted to lose weight for the past 10 years. I was so motivated at the beginning of my 60 day challenge...I thought, if I can get through 60 days, I'll be well on my way of losing the weight. Well, I didn't make it. I made it 3 quarters of the way...which isn't too bad, I guess. It is if you look at how I was so close to the finish line to throw it all away. Oh well, I'm rambling on, trying not to make excuses but not doing a very good job of it.

It's time to start again, pick myself up, and try something new. Thanks for all the support - it really is what motivates me. :)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Day 45: Three-Quarters of the Way!!

I can't believe that I only have 15 days left of the challenge. That's not long - really want to step it up a notch for the last leg.

I was much better today, regarding my eating. I had a Healthy Choice meal for lunch, and a small serving of hamburger casserole for dinner. Got to get my snacks and water back in order. Days that I come into the office are hard for me. I just keep myself busy - so I really, truly don't think about eating. We're currently moving a TON of computers into new offices, and I'm right there with everyone else getting them all moved and hooked up. It's keeping me bending, stretching, walking - so I'm getting some form of exercise.

Wednesday will be better - once I get thru Tuesday..LOL I have time to workout put into my schedule. Same for the rest of the week. It's just about focusing now, working hard, and getting the job done. I want to be able to post some good results at the end of this - and I'll never forgive myself if I give up now after everything I've been through the past 45 days.

Ok, well, got to get back to work...

Till next time :)

Monday, August 03, 2009

Day 43/44 Relapse Over

My last blog post is basically a glob of bologna!! This weekend I completely fell off the wagon - but I got a kick up the ass this evening that's gonna put me right back up on the horse tomorrow.

Saturday, I went out with my hubby and my best friend. We went and had dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. Did I eat a salad?? NO!! I had a huge ass burger and onion rings!! Then I had the gaul to order a diet coke..WTF?? After that, we went to a club. Now, I haven't been out to a club in a really long time. This week has been a very stressful one, and I just wanted to let my hair down and enjoy myself. Well, I did - but I drank WAAAYYYY too much.

This morning, I was lucky that I had no gloomy hangover. I took my kids over to my mom's house to visit, have dinner. We had spaghetti. I ate way too much. I did no exercise. I felt like shit when I got home tonight.

I don't know what the hell happened to me. So, things have been a little stressful - but holy cow, I just took a nose dive into complete disaster!! So, let's get to my kick up the ass. It came from my mom. Now, don't think she gave me some inspirational talk about how I could lose the weight or anything like that...oh no...she muttered the words I needed to hear to get everything lined out "you'll never catch up to me"!! Can you believe that shit?? Now, my mom's not a tiny woman - she has what I call the "lollipop" figure. She was blessed with gloriously skinny legs, but from the ass up she's round. (Man, she would kill me if she saw this..LOL)

My mom weighs 220 lbs. That's only 29lbs smaller than when I started the challenge!! The way she said the words just sent this adreneline through my veins. My own mother challenging me to a weight war!! Well, I may have lost the battle this weekend...but I WILL win the war. :)

Till next time!

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Day 42: Last Day of Slacking

So, things have not been good the past few days. Today is the last day of the slump - tomorrow it's back to the grind and make up for lost time.

I did get out of the house some today - took my dogs to the vet, went to visit my friend, and went out to my mom's. The only problem? No exercise, and no focus on my food. I only had one meal today - again, not good - but it was fried food!! UGH!!

I'm down to the wire now, and no room for set backs. It's no excuse that I've let myself slip just because life has been throwing me curve balls. I should of been knocking them out of the park, but it's just been strike after strike. Well, I'm not out yet - I just have to suck it up and get my head back in the game.

I have 18 days to go until weigh in. I can't back down now, I can't throw everything away that I've been working so hard to do. So, for the next 18 days I'm stepping it up. Starting tomorrow, it's 1 hour on the treadmill and I'm uping the weights too. Mondays and Tuesdays have been my "off" days because I work all day -but not anymore. I'm now going to make myself work out in the evenings - I don't care how tired I am. It's do or die - and I want the results to pay off. It's still not about the numbers at the end of all this - but I want a sense of accomplishment. I don't want the 60 days to be over and think "damn, if I just hadn't slacked off for those few days"...there has to be no doubt in my mind that I did everything I could.

So, tomorrow - game back on...I still got one pitch left...I'm going for a home run!!

Till next time ;)