Tuesday, March 24, 2015

From Night to Day

No news is good news, right?  I mean, I haven't been blogging daily like I'm used to, and I genuinely believe it's because for the first time in SOOOOOO long, I am happy, content, and feel like a completely different person.  My blog is my outlet to share my thoughts and feelings, and that basically meant a place to let out stress, sadness, or that melancholy place I was trapped in.  But, now, things are so different.  I feel different.

The sad part is, I have so much to write about, so much to share, but I have been doing that in my other place... my secret place... because, well, some things have to be left unsaid.  But, what I can say is that the feeling of happiness I have right now can only be described as pure bliss.  It's like all of my dreams are coming true over night, and I'm not the same person I was a week ago.

For the first time since moving in to my house, I feel at home.  I feel comfortable and happy.  There are so many changes that have taken place in the matter of a few days, it's unbelievable.  Like I blogged about last time, the kids are totally different and I can feel the love radiating from the house.  I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now, but definitely not the emotions I thought I'd be dealing with.  They are all extremely wonderful, happy emotions.

I'm currently sitting in a state of mind I've been dreaming about for a long time.  That place where the sun always shines.  The place where there is no sadness, no loneliness, and no upset.  I've dreamed about this for many, many years, and thought that this place only existed in my dreams.  But, it's real.  It exists.  I have been living it every day for the past five days.  And, I'm sure I'm caught up in a little slice of heaven.  I don't know how long the feelings will last, but each and every day they get stronger, better, and I feel like my world has gone from night to day.  The emptiness is gone, the sadness is gone, and the worry is gone.

I know that not every day will be like this, but I also know that my future has a chance of being what I always wanted it to be.  I have a chance to make this the best time of my life.  I have the one thing that has been missing for so long, and now that I have it I never, EVER want to let it go.  I am complete, we are complete.  The kids and I have filled the hole that had been getting bigger by the second.

My house is no longer a house, it is our home.  We are a family.  There is love and happiness filling every inch.  And this is just the beginning.  I know in my heart that it's only going to keep getting better.  Life is changing, we are changing, and all for the better.  For so long, I thought I was destined to be the person that helped everyone else while I sat in the corner screaming for my own help.  But, now I've finally gotten the one and only thing I've ever really wanted but could never have.

I don't know how often I'll be blogging, cause honestly it's really hard for me to write when I'm not experiencing some kind of pain.  My writing was always fueled by some form of stress, and right now there isn't any.  Which I don't think I've been able to say for...well... ever, really.  Who doesn't have some kind of stress?  And of course there's always some form of stress that's lurking around every corner, but I feel like I can pretty much take on the world at the moment.

So, that's pretty much all I've got to say right now.

Life is good... no it's great.  And I'm looking forward to many, many more happy days ahead.


Sunday, March 22, 2015

Adjusting to Change

Well, I've been gone the past few days because there's been a lot going on in my world.  The biggest thing is the fact that S has completely moved out.  He'd been staying here until he found somewhere else to live, and now he has and he's gone.  I hate to write about the personal details of our break-up, but I will say I'm glad that I can now move on and leave it behind.  I really wanted us to permanently end things on a good note, but unfortunately that hasn't been the case.  We've agreed to stay amicable for Jelly's sake, because that's important, but I don't see us remaining friends or anything like that.  Which is understandable, I suppose.

I hate to say it, but since he's been gone, my house has been a completely different place.  The kids are coming out of their rooms, laughing, joking around, and for the first time since we moved in, our house feels like a home.  There's no awkward atmosphere or tiptoeing around as to not to upset anyone.  And that's one of the biggest reasons I was ready to call it quits in the first place:  My kids deserve to be happy.  They should feel comfortable in their home, they should feel like they can sit and watch TV with me and talk to me at the same time without feeling uncomfortable.  That didn't happen before.  They kept themselves hidden away because they could sense something wasn't right, and it was easier for them to try and avoid it than pretend like nothing was going on.

Friday night was probably, hands down, one of the best nights we've ever had in our home.  It was Butter's birthday and I wanted it to be a good night for him.  We grilled some burgers on the grill, the kids played outside, and we just hung out and had a good time.  We all settled in the living room after dinner to watch a movie together, and we all ended up falling asleep but it was a good time.  I felt like I was finally at home, and I know the kids felt the same way.

Yesterday, we spent most of the day lazing around the house.  Then, we all decided to go out for a while.  We went to an arcade place to play some video games.  The kids had a blast, and so did I.  It felt so good to go out and do something, together, as a family.  We grabbed some dinner at CiCi's, after, and then came home back to more lazing around and relaxing.

I know that life is going to be a lot different now.  There's going to be some financial struggles and stuff, but I also know that despite any struggles I may endure, the happiness that we can all feel will be worth it.  I know I'm not alone, and I have a great support network behind me cheering me on and rooting for me.  I can do this.  I deserve to be happy.  My kids deserve to be happy.  And there's no price I can put on our happiness.  I'd much rather be struggling a little and happy than unhappy with some extra money to spend.  And it's not like I won't be able to keep a roof over our head or food in our bellies.  All it means is that we won't have as much money to do all the things we used to do, and the kids are totally fine with that.  I'm totally fine with that.

Right now I feel ready to put the past behind me and start a new chapter of my life.  It's not an ending, but a beginning.  I have no idea what's in store for me or where my path may lead, but I feel like I'm on the right road.  Good things are happening.  I just have to take things one day at a time, stay positive, and remain focused on my future.

I know that there will be good days and there will be not so good days, but I truly believe the good will far outweigh the bad.  It's all about how I think, how I react, and how I deal with each situation as they come.  When I first bought this house, I had a vision of what I wanted our lives to be like.  And, that vision is finally coming to light.  This house can now be our home, we can now be a family.  That's not a dig at S, but a reflection on our relationship.  I thought a new house would fix our problems and make things better.  That was a stupid assumption.  But, now things are starting to fall in to place, and be like I wanted it to be.  I can't even describe the feelings I have in seeing my kids so happy.  Not happy that he's gone, but happy that the dark cloud looming over this house is gone.  They're not stupid, they know when something's not right.  They've sensed the atmosphere and lack of love that had been living in this house for far too long.  That wasn't S's fault, that was my fault.  For allowing it to continue as long as it did.

My kids have had a good life, but they've also had their share of unhappiness.  I've done everything in my power to shield them from my troubles, but kids know.  They always know when something isn't right.  But, Friday and yesterday, when I saw their smiles, heard their laughs, and looked in to their eyes, I saw comfort and relief.  I haven't been the only one suffering, despite how much I thought I was trying to keep that away from them.

I only have a couple of years left with Peanut and Butter, and I want them to be the best years of their lives.  I know that this is a rough transition for Jelly, and I know it will take some getting used to.  But, she will still have both of her parents.  That will never change.  She understands that just because we aren't together doesn't mean she has to be without either one of us.  We are both still there for her, love her, and plan to make sure that she is well taken care of during this transition time, and she'll understand soon enough why we did what we did.

My kids are the most important people in my life, and I will always do everything in my power to ensure their happiness.   I truly believe that happiness is in store for them.  We are going to be together.  We are going to be happy.  My kids have craved that for so long, and now they are going to truly understand what family is all about.

Have a great Sunday, everyone!


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

We Are Family!


I managed to get some sleep last night, after a horrible headache hit me about 8 last night.  I'm sure the headache came from only getting about an hour's sleep the night before, and it was my body's way of saying CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP, WOMAN!  So, I did.  And I slept really well.  No bad dreams, no waking up for no reason, just sleep.  And this morning, I feel much better.

I did have one dream that was actually pretty good.  I dreamt about having a family get-together at my house.  Everyone was hanging out by the pool.  All of the kids were playing, the adults were talking, and I remember looking in to the pool seeing my children in the pool enjoying a game of something with some of the guys, and they looked so happy.  It was one of those dreams that gave me the warm and fuzzy feelings.  One thing that I do remember about the dream is the fact that all the people at our family get-together weren't my blood family, but they are most definitely my family.

Here lately, I have been building strong relationships with Peanut's dad's family.  They were the people in my dream, enjoying the family get-together.  They have become a very important part of my life.  Daily, I talk to his aunt either through text or phone call.  We have become very good friends, and we have such a great relationship.  We can talk about anything and everything and find some humor in it.  We laugh and joke around together, and it's almost like having an older sister.  His mom calls me a couple of times a week, just to check in and see how I'm doing.  Just like a mom, really.  She asks about the kids, how school is going, how work is going, and we talk about what's going on in her neck of the woods.  Her phone calls can be quick 5 minute conversations, but it means so much to me that she takes time to call. His grandparents are just two of the sweetest people I know, and they have told me many times that I am now their granddaughter.  I love going to see them, and I love how comfortable they make me feel. I absolutely adore them.  His brother and sister-in-law open up their home to me when we visit and have always been so nice to me. His dad and step-mom are the same way.  And I could keep going on and on with this.

With everything that I've been going through lately, it's been so nice to know that I have a strong family support system behind me, and it's even more special being that they have absolutely NO obligation to me.  Sure, they are Peanut's blood family, but that doesn't require them to treat me the way they do.  OK, I am the mother of their family member, but just being nice would perfectly suffice.  But they have gone above and beyond to make me feel like I'm also a part of the family... and I don't think they realize how important that's been for me.  

Not having a relationship with my parents during all of this turmoil definitely took it's toll on me in the beginning.  When S and I first broke up, I felt so alone.  Who could I turn to?  Who could I talk to?  But, I didn't have to worry about that for long.  I was absolutely flooded with support and comfort during my time of need by people that didn't have to do what they've done for me, yet they did.  Willingly.  Openly.  No strings, no rhyme or reason except for the fact that it speaks volumes to what amazing people they are.  

I know how important it is to have a good relationship with an ex's family.  I mean, it's good to keep an open relationship with family so that the kids don't suffer.  But, every single person in that family knows me well enough to know that it wouldn't matter how they treated me, I'd never stop Peanut from having anything to do with them.  Yet, even knowing that, they still treat me as if I'm part of the family anyway.  

The dream I had last night definitely opened up my eyes to some of the blessings I have.  I know that I never have to feel alone.  It has nothing to do with having people to talk to about my problems, it's not like that.  Our relationship isn't like that.  It's not about having people to lean on in my time of need, it's about having people that take away the need to have someone to lean on.  I don't talk to them about the bad situations that are going on in my life, I don't spill my problems on to their shoulders, and that's because they make the bad seem a whole lot less.  Just talking about my day, how the kids are doing, and hearing about how life is going for them is enough.  More than enough, really.  They take my mind off of some of the scary stuff I'm facing.  They are my support system without even knowing how much support they're giving me.

What I do know is family doesn't have to be about blood.  It's about the bonds and ties you make with people that care for you, and that you care for.  It's seeing how you're treated not during the good times of your life, but during the harder times.  And I know that I feel the way I do, as good as I do right now, because of all of these amazing people that have helped me so much without knowing it.  They have no idea how much their love has touched me, how important they are to me, and how important they have been in keeping me focused and whole.  

Sometimes we don't realize what we have staring us right in the face.  We don't understand the blessings we have in life.  We often focus on the bad, the negative, and the hard and overlook the good, the positive, and the supportive.  

I'm not sure if any of them read this, but if so, I want to say THANK YOU!  You have absolutely no idea the impact you've made on my life.  You probably have no idea how your simple gestures have helped me overcome some of the battles I'm facing.  You probably have no idea how important you've been to me.  And, it really means the world to me.

OK, sappy stuff over with... now time to get ready for work.

Have a great day, everyone!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Live to Fight Another Day

I'm up a little late this morning and having some trouble getting awake because I had a REALLY hard time falling asleep last night.  Well, scratch that, I didn't fall asleep last night at all.  I feel asleep sometime this morning, and it's was pretty darned close to the time I usually get up.  So, I already know it's going to be a long day.

It was, once again, another night full of tossing and turning because I couldn't shut off my brain and every time I closed my eyes, visions popped in to my head that I didn't want to see.  I'd just start to doze off, and BAM!  Bad dream.  I'd lay there for a while, and thoughts would zap at me keeping my eyes barricaded from closing.

This always happens to me when things are going really well.  

And see, you thought I was going to say something bad has happened or I'm feeling sad about something, huh?  Nope.  I'm feeling very happy, actually, and that's usually what brings on the thoughts and bad dreams, like my head is trying to tell me to remain cautious and not get too wrapped up in a few good days.  It's my defense mechanism.  It's not that I don't think I should be happy, or that I have to prepare for it not to last long, but my brain has this negative security system built in that I just can't seem to shut off.  The batteries are running out, and I don't have near as many problems as I used to with sleeping, but I'm ready for the whole system to die completely!!  

Last night was a really good night, up until the whole trying to go to sleep thing.  I was told some things that really gave me a big boost of motivation, and some stuff that eased my mind and told me that things really could work out OK.  I was told that one situation in particular that I have been dealing with was over, and that I didn't have to worry about it anymore.  That made me feel really good.  I've been waiting to hear those words, but didn't know if I'd ever hear them.  Of course, it's also one of those situations where I have to stay cautiously optimistic.  Situations have a bad habit of returning, even when you think they're over with.  Some situations don't know when to give up and walk away.  They don't know when to leave well enough alone and understand that it would be a whole lot easier if they just stayed away and not have to make me deal with them anymore.

But some situations never learn.  Thankfully, I know I'm strong enough to deal with them.  

I know that I am very underestimated by some people.  Heck, for a while, I underestimated myself.  I was full of doubt, worry, and fear.  I didn't know if I was cut out to tackle some of the battles that have come my way, but I'm still here, still standing.  I live to fight another day.  Nobody is going to tear me down, nobody is going to make me back away, and nobody is going to make me give up on my happiness.  It's going to be a fight to the death, I know, but the battles are getting a lot easier.  

What helps is the encouragement that I'm receiving for "hanging in there".  The fact that even though I get mad, upset, and frustrated sometimes, doesn't mean that I'm not able to handle stuff, it just means that I still care.  Once those feelings disappear, it's game over.  Because without the feelings, it means I don't care anymore.  I'm trying to get better about picking my battles more carefully.  Sometimes I overreact, get bent out of shape about the smallest little thing, but it's because I'm dealing with a lot.  Even though I'm feeling a lot happier, and feeling a lot more optimistic about my future, I still have little moments of weakness where I get a little deflated and tired.  I'm allowed to have mini-meltdowns every once in a while, though, I'm just happy they are a lot less frequent than they were a month ago.  I'm making progress.  I won't be perfect overnight, and that's something I just need to understand.

I am so ready and willing to stand strong and take on whatever is thrown my way.  I also know that I'm not alone in my battle.  I have the best person in my corner, keeping me grounded and giving me advice on how to fight.  And no one has better advice for fighting than the person in my corner.  I get to be that same person in reverse, and together we make one heck of a team.  Nobody can get between us, nobody can stop us.  I truly believe that.

Right now, though, I just need to wake myself up and focus on today.  I have to be very careful on days like this because I get a little overly sensitive.  It's going to be A-OK though, I know it. Gotta stay strong, gotta keep going... MUST. HAVE. COFFEE!!  

Have a great day, everyone!

Monday, March 16, 2015

Quality versus Quantity


It's Monday, and if it hadn't of been for all the snow we got, I'd be off work today.  But, I'm not because we have to make up all the snow days.  I did get to be off Friday, though, so I can't complain too much.  I had a great three day weekend, though, and got to spend it with the people I love.  

Friday I got to go with a friend and see some family, and I love spending time with them.  They may not be blood family, but they're family in my eyes.  They have always treated me like I'm part of the family, and I am a strong believer in the fact that you can never have too much family.  And right now, I need all the support I can get from people that care about me.  We spent most of the day chatting, and it was a good time.  Friday night, I spent the night with my friend and we sat up all night watching movies and talking.  It was such a great night, and it felt so great to just relax and have a good time.  My friend and I have both being going through some stuff, so it was nice to be there for each other.  For one night, we got to forget all of our troubles and act like a couple of teenagers at a slumber party.  

Saturday, my friend came home with me, and we spent the day at home with Peanut and Jelly.  Butter was at my parent's house for the weekend, so I missed him, but it was nice to spend some time with the girls.  I watched the girls and my friend play some video games, and we sat and watched a couple of movies.  It was so nice to kick back, snuggle up on the couch, and enjoy the time together.  When we're at home, Peanut hardly ever comes out of her room, so it was really nice for her to be out in the living room with us and enjoying some family time.  Family time is important to her, but with everything that's been going on, she's had a hard time feeling that.  This weekend, I felt like she felt comfortable for the first time in a while, and that made me very happy.  I know it had everything to do with who was here and who wasn't here.  She's felt the tension that's been at the house, and she doesn't like it.  But, Saturday, that tension was gone and she felt comfortable in her home.  She even fell asleep in the living room, which is something she hasn't done since we first moved in.  

Sunday, we relaxed at home for a while.  The weather was beautiful, so I spent a good majority of the morning and early afternoon sitting outside while Jelly skated or rode her bike in the yard.  Around 3PM, I took my friend home and then came home and was back outside for a while.  Peanut even came outside and played in the yard.  Again, something she hasn't done in a long time.  We stayed outside until it was time to eat dinner, and then we settled in for the night watching some TV.

This whole weekend made me really realize how important it is to spend time with the people that we love.  In the digital age where everything is about text messages and social media, I realized that I'll take physical interaction over digital interaction anytime.  I might not get a text message back from my friend for a while during the week, but when I think about the time we get to spend together I can't really complain.  We're always there for each other when we need each other, and that's what's important.  Knowing that means a lot more to me than whether or not I get a text message.  

The same can be said for phone calls.  I used to hate talking on the phone after text messages became popular.  But, here lately, it's been really nice to get a phone call from friends or family when they want to talk.  It's really nice when I get a phone call just to see how I'm doing or how my day is going.  It's nice to hear someone's voice rather than read what they have to say on a screen.  Text messages are nice, when I'm at work or in a situation where I can't talk, but I've decided I'll take quality interaction versus quantity interaction any day.  A day with someone I care about trumps receiving any amount of digital messages.  

This really goes hand in hand with the whole actions versus words situation.  I know I've been that person that got a little bent out of shape when I send a text message and don't receive an answer back for a while.  But, then when I think about the fact that a friend is willing to drop their plans to spend some time with me so we can hang out, that's a big deal.  That's an action that means a lot to me.  I hadn't made plans to spend the weekend hanging out with my friend, but we were both willing to drop whatever we had going on to be there for each other.  And it was fun.  I needed it.  We both needed it.  During the week, it's hard to do much because I'm working, so it's always nice to know that when I do get some free time, I can spend it with people I care about and that care for me.  

I feel pretty good this morning, and I know it's because I had a restful, fun weekend.  Things are starting to feel a little easier.  Even though I know there's dark days still in store for me, it's nice to have some sunshine in the midst of it all.  And the people that are there to bring that sunshine speaks volumes.  

And right now, it's time for me to get ready for work and begin my week.

Have a great day, everyone!!

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Questions Without Answers

Well, I just have to start out by saying that I've had a really good weekend.  I've been in a good mood since Friday morning, and I have really been doing what I said I would do in terms of paying attention to actions versus listening to words.  It has helped me a lot in staying calm, not stressing, and allowed me to enjoy myself and have a great time.

Sometimes, just spending time "chilling" is a great way to take a step back and analyze a bigger picture.  Everyone that knows me knows I'm a MAJOR over-thinker.  I over-analyze everything.  I dissect, tear apart, and try and break down everything that happens to me in order to learn from it or to try and figure out what it all means.

What ends up happening when I do stuff like that is coming up with questions.  Question after question after question.  The whats, whys, how comes, and what ifs pop in to my head like popcorn in a microwave.

What does this mean?
Why is this happening?
How come this is happening to me?
How come that never happens to me?
What if I'm taking this all wrong?

Constantly.  Over and over and over again.  And the worst part is, those are the questions that very seldom come with a clear or quick answer.

Trying to figure out what something means often ends with assumption.  I assume the worst or I assume the best, and more often than not, my assumptions are wrong.  I have made the mistake WAY too many times assuming what stuff means.  This goes back to the whole words versus actions thing.  I start to assume that I'm figuring out what stuff means, by something that's been said to me.  I start to act on my assumptions, and then I'm hit with a dose of reality because the actions that happen after don't match what I'm told.  That works in both good and bad ways.  I'm told words that hurt, brutal honesty actually, but the actions that follow after come with the most weird, satisfying, beautifully heartfelt actions.  I'm being given information that I don't really want to hear, but is necessary for me to have in order to understand the trust that's being put in to me.  I have to be able to take the good news with the bad news, I suppose.  Then I'm sitting there scratching my head right back at square one asking "What does this mean?"  I can't complain about being given ALL of the information.  But, I often wonder why I have to have it.  Is it better to have all the information, even the worst and most painful information, or is it better to be kept in the dark?

Trying to figure out why something is happening often ends up with me thinking I'm being punished for something or I'm being rewarded.  The whole karma thing.  I don't necessarily believe that there is bad karma, more along the lines of what goes around comes around.  When you put good out in to the world, it comes back to you.  When things don't go right, it's karma's way of saying that I messed up somehow and I need to figure out how to fix it.  Sometimes, things happen because I need to learn from them, figure out the root cause (what does this mean?), and that ends up leading to even more questions.  Trying to walk away from something that takes me right back to where I started is one of those situations.  That's why I picked the picture for today.  I have told myself so many times that something has happened to make me walk away, and then what I'm trying to walk away from ends up right back in front of me.  There's solid reasons for that, I truly believe it, and it's not because I'm not allowing myself to walk away... it's because when I'm walking away, what I'm walking away from always makes the journey back to me.  No matter how many different directions I try, no matter how far away I get, that one thing I'm moving away from chases after me.  I've walked away from many things in my life with no problems.  But, when something I'm trying to walk away from doesn't allow me to, I think that's something I need to pay attention to.

Asking myself how come something does or doesn't happen to me is rooted from always wondering what something means and why it's happening.  When I'm feeling sad, angry, and hurt, I always ask myself why it's happening to me.  What did I do to deserve it?  What happened that allowed me to get to that point?  But, there are also good situations where this question comes in to play.  Sometimes I question why something is or isn't happening to me because there's a bigger picture I'm not paying attention to.  Is there something I'm missing?  Is this happening to me because there's a lesson to be learned?  Is this happening to me, because I am the person that can handle it?  Is this happening to me or not happening to me because I am being tested on my strength and ability to stick with something to the end?

And the worst question I ask myself WAY too often... Am I taking this all wrong?  Am I chasing a dream that may never come true?  Am I reading in to something that isn't there?  Am I missing the obvious signs and clues that tell me what the bigger picture has in store?  Am I jumping to conclusions, or opening myself up to the potential that a situation has because I'm questioning it too much?

So many questions, and never any answers... just more questions.

The biggest question that remains?  What's next?

In times of uncertainty and doubt, I think everyone asks themselves this question.  What's next?  I know I am constantly asking myself this question.  I try and tell myself to just see what happens, sit back and allow situations to play out, and to just go with the flow.  But, I know myself well enough to know that no matter how hard I try, the questions will always be there.  Nothing is certain.  Situations change.  Feelings change.  Life is constantly changing.

A friend shared a story with me just the other day that I could really relate to.  She shared how her situation had been very similar to mine several years ago.  When she was sitting in a world of uncertainty, she was constantly trying to figure out the next steps.  She asked herself the same questions.  She found a friend that she was always there for, and did everything she could to try and prove her feelings for him.  But, for a long time, she questioned if she was adding to her world of uncertainty by being that way.  And then, one day out of the blue, everything changed.  He realized everything she'd done, how she'd always stuck by him, and that her heart was dedicated to him.  They've been together for 18 years now.

Her point in sharing her story was to let me know that I can't give up.  There is happiness out there for me, and it's going to come along at the most unexpected time.  That I have to stop trying so hard, be more willing to just allow things to play out, and get rid of the assumptions.  Assuming makes life worse, not better.  The more I try and force something to happen, the more likely it will disappear.  No matter how hard I try, I can't carve out my future.  I can't predict, plan, or prepare for what the future holds.  I have options, I have choices, and I'm able to make the decisions as situations arise, but I can never force something to happen just because I want it.  It will either happen or it won't.

One thing I do know is that the questions will never go away.  They'll always be there.  But, I can decide whether or not I'm content with not having the answers.  Is it OK to just have the questions and not to worry about the answers?  They'll come eventually, right?

All I can really do is keep my eyes open.  Pay attention.  Take one day at a time.  Don't jump to conclusions and avoid assumptions like the plague.  If I want answers, all I have to do is allow them to come to me.  I have to stop trying to force an answer to appear when it's not ready to show itself.  

Easier said than done, I know.

But, I truly do believe that good things are in store for me.  I just have to keep my eyes open, and not be clouded by the questions.  The answers are out there, somewhere, and when the time is right, I'll know what I need to know.

Until then, I just have to keep on keeping on.  It's all I can do, really.

Today is a beautiful day, and I need to get around and enjoy it.

Have an awesome day, everyone!


Friday, March 13, 2015

Actions Speak WAY Louder than Words!

Well, I've been up since 4:30 this morning, which isn't unusual for me at all.  Except for the fact that today, I don't have to work and yet I still had to be up that early.  That's the life of a parent that has a child in debate.  Even on my day off, I don't really get a day off.  HA!

This morning I had to take Peanut to another debate contest.  On my way home, I blasted my music and had one of my destress sing-a-long times.  I feel like I'm almost stuck in a de ja vu moment, because this is where I was almost a week ago, doing the exact same thing.  I remember feeling really good that day and told myself that it was going to be a great day.

Unfortunately, I jinxed myself and what started out as a really good day just got worse and worse by the minute.  I was able to spend some time with some family and one of my best friends, which was great, but I also had to deal with some drama that I did NOT want to have to deal with.

Today,  I'm cautiously optimistic.  I am, once again, going out with a friend, but I'm hoping and praying that today is WAY better than last Saturday ended up being.  I'm hoping that I'm kind of getting a do-over, and that today will end up being the fantastic day I wanted to have last weekend.

On a somewhat different note, I am very proud of the way I took care of some of my business yesterday.  I stood strong all day long, ignoring certain people and telling myself that I just need to move on and not let it get to me.  I don't need anymore drama, I don't need any one in my life that's going to bring me down, and I certainly have no intentions of continuing to be the person who can be treated like crap one day, and the next day just pretend that nothing ever happened.  

I'm so sick and tired of my feelings not being important.  If I make someone unhappy or hurt them, even intentionally, I do what I can to fix that problem.  But, I also expect that gesture to be returned to me when someone hurts me.  If they don't have the decency to accept my feelings, understand that I'm hurt, and apologize for it, then I just don't have time for that.  

Last night, I actually did receive an apology.  I was pretty shocked, and I was pretty happy about it.  At least from the gesture.  However, I also know to be very cautious, and not read too much in to it.  Sometimes I can be a sucker to forgive too quickly, and I have to be very cautious about that from now on.  I truly believe that people deserve to be forgiven if they accept responsibility for their actions and mean to make amends, but an open apology followed by the exact same behaviors don't show me a reason to forgive. 

One thing I'm definitely starting to learn is that words have very little meaning and that actions are everything.  You can truly understand a person's motive by the way they act, not by what they say, and I really need to pay more attention to actions rather than words.  

I often feel like some people use words as a defense mechanism to cover up how they truly feel.  And that can work in two different ways, both of which I've been seeing more often here recently.  There are people that will say things that are hurtful, but their actions towards you are loving and caring.  And there are people that say the right things, but their actions are cold and hateful.

Both situations are very confusing and extremely frustrating, but it's learning how to pay attention to the underlying issue at hand, and being able to understand the root of what's going on.

For example, a person can tell you things that upset you, make you angry, and hurt you whenever you're not around.  The words sting and send a bolt of hurt to your heart.  Yet, when you see them, they treat you totally different, they stare at you with love in their eyes, and they find it impossible to do anything but make you smile by their actions of genuine concern and care.

Then there are those people that tell you nonstop how important you are, are always able to say exactly the right things to put a smile on your face, and then the minute you're around them, they act like you're nothing, almost invisible, and make you feel like mud on the bottom of their shoe.

If someone says something mean to me, it's not always because they are mad at me or have those feelings toward me, maybe they're just having a bad day.  On the same note, just because someone says something nice to me doesn't mean that they really like or care for me, maybe they're just being polite.

However, with those same scenarios, a lot can be understood when the person that says something hurtful to me.  But when that same person loves spending time with me, and makes me feel loved and appreciated without ever saying a word, those actions speak volumes.  The person that always says something nice to my face, but is distant or cold when I'm around also emits a mighty sound with their actions.

Each day, I'm learning to be more in tune to the actions of others rather than their words.  A person can promise you the world with their words, but their actions promise you heartache.  A person can cut you to the core with their words, but their actions can put you on cloud nine. 

Weird, huh?

The more I am learning to understand about all of this, the more I find myself accepting and growing with my expectations.  I'm building a new shell that doesn't allow so many hurtful words to penetrate me.  I'm also building that shell to not allow so many open promises in, either.  I've become more in-tune with how people treat me, rather than what they say about or to me.

I always thought I wasn't a naive person, but how quickly I've realized that I've been WAY too naive for WAY too long.  I have always thought it better to trust someone until they give you a reason not to.  I still believe that, but I also know that I've been very naive with how much trust I give someone.  People deserve second chances, sometimes even third or fourth chances, but eventually you just have to say enough is enough and realize that nothing is going to change.  Rather than allow people to tell me how they feel, it is required that they show me.  Their actions have to back up their words.. Period!

So, as I go about my day I'm going to remain open to whatever happens.  No high expectations, no fear either.  My day will play out the way it will play out.  But, my actions for whatever happens today will be what's important.  I can sit here and say that everything is going to be great, but unless I actually make that happen... it's just words.

I have to start doing rather than saying.  And I'm ready to do so much.

Have a great Friday, everyone!!