It's Time to Share the Story

                             

Over the past week, I've been sharing a little about reconnecting with my very dear friends I had fifteen years ago.  I shared how when I was sixteen, I moved out of my house and moved in with two very close friends.  And, while I left some of the story untold... I think it's time to fill in a few of the gaps I left out.  Because it's important for how the rest of the story has and will eventually unfold.  

I told you all about K and C.  The two friends that, with the support of their father, took me in to their home when I was having a rough time with my own parents.  I shared how they let me move in and treated me as part of the family.  Up until I got pregnant at 17.

But, there's one very important part of that story that I left out.  A part that explains the sudden change in our situation, forcing me to leave their home and never look back...

The father of my child happened to be C.

Yes.  K and C are males.  K and C were very close guy friends that I had back at that time.. because other than one very close female friend (the one that passed away several years ago), K and C were my best friends.  We did everything together.  At first, they were like brothers to me.  Well, K was.  He was always a brotherly figure...protecting me, talking to me, giving me a hard time every now and then like brothers do.  But, it was very, very different with C.  He was not like a brother to me...he was so much more than that.  

C and I were in love.  As much as two teenagers could be in love, I suppose.  He was my everything.. who captured my heart and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  I got butterflies each and every time he looked at me.  And a part of me believes he felt the same towards me.  Even though I'd had boyfriends before, none had ever made me feel the way C did.  I worshipped the ground he walked on, was sad when he wasn't around, and he made me feel like a queen.

While I won't share all the juicy details, we were young, in love, and...well... as a result, I got pregnant at 17.  Which resulted in, against the wishes of C and myself, his family reacting the way they did, forcing C to move away and me to move out.  

Like I said in an earlier post, I fully understand the reactions today.  I am a mother of a teenage daughter and a teenage son.  I'm sure if something like that happened to me, I'd want to protect my children.  I can't say I'd react the same way, but I fully understand why the adults who made the decisions made those decisions.  It couldn't have been easy, but they did what they thought necessary at the time.  I have let all those ill feelings go away, and hold no grudges for any parties involved.  

But, what happened back then is neither here nor there.  It happened.  I can't turn back time or change anything.  

Many people that know me have assumed that Peanut and Butter have the same dad.  They don't.  And while I understand that doesn't exactly paint a great picture of me...it is what it is.  I will not be ashamed or hide behind the situations that played out in my life.  Because, once again, every one of those situations has made me the person I am today...and I'm very proud of what I've overcome and how I turned out.

Anywho...Peanut has always known the truth.  Has known that her dad was out there somewhere, and recently it's been playing on her mind.  Which is why I was ecstatic when I was able to reach out to her biological father and let them connect.  Which is exactly what they've done.  Being that C lives so far away, they haven't been able to meet yet.. but they've at least started talking to each other.  And that's a HUGE deal to Peanut.  

But, since that moment, so much more has happened that I didn't expect.  First, K is now back in my life.  He has taken a quick liking to his niece, and they already adore each other.  He has an amazing wife and beautiful daughter. And I already adore both of them.  Yesterday, Peanut got to meet some other family members:  Her grandparents, her great uncle, and her great-grandparents.  

While I expected it to be an awkward reunion, it was the complete opposite of that.  Everyone welcomed her with open arms, and me too.  It was almost as if no time had passed at all.  Peanut got to hear tons of stories about her dad and the family...and they all made her feel very welcome.  

As I sat back and watched all the events unfold, I couldn't help but smile.  It made me remember old times, how wonderful these same people had been to me 15 years ago...treating me like I was family then, and almost picking up right where we left off now.  

And, we spent the entire day together.  After the birthday party, I took the kids back to their house, and we spent all afternoon and evening talking, laughing, and having a great time.  They opened up their homes to us and treated us ALL like we were family.  Yes, Butter and Jelly too.  

It made me realize that the past doesn't define who we are...it's our present...each decision and step we take..that is what defines us.

I can't give Peanut back the past 14 years.  Neither can C or his family.  But, everything we do from this moment on is what matters.  

It really means the world to Peanut to have all these people in her life.  To answer the questions she's had for so many years, to learn about her family, to understand everything that happened.  And while I'm sure she's a little overwhelmed with how quickly everything has happened, I can tell by the look in her eye that she's happy.  That's it brought some closure to her life...and also a new beginning.  

I am a firm believer that one can never have too much family.  We have now extended ours...and I couldn't be happier.  I have waited for 15 years for this moment to come.  And while some may think it's weird or sudden or maybe even shocked that I would be so happy... just remember, there's still a lot of the story untold.  Decisions were made over the years that I had a big part of making.  The events of our lives have unfolded the way they have because it's just they way they unfolded.  I am not asking for anyone to weigh in with their opinion, or express any concern.  This is what I've always wanted to happen...and so has Peanut.

I know that Peanut is dying to meet her dad.  And, I hope that will happen soon.  But, until then the events will play out as they play out.  She will spend time with her new-found family.  She will get to know them, and they will get to know her.  She is calling all the shots on this, and I support her decisions 100%.  

This is a new chapter to our lives that is yet to be written...and I'm ready to start filling in those blank pages.

Good thing I'm a writer, huh?  HA!

I am just taking one step at a time, and know in my heart that this is the right thing to do.  That they were brought back in to our lives for a reason.  And, I'm going to ride this roller-coaster right along side Peanut, because she's not the only one that gets to have her family extended.  I do, too.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday.

Emotional Crash

                               

I saw this pic this morning, and it clicked.  Immediately.  For the past few days, I've been in a whirlwind of happiness and excitement...yet last night, everything just came crashing down around me, for no reason other than the fact that I think I'm emotionally drained.

I've heard drug users say that they use drugs because they are addicted to the high that they get, and are terrified of the crash they receive once the effects start to wear off.  I guess I can relate to that.  When good things happen, you don't want them to end.  But, I truly think our bodies are only equipped to handle so much... before everything comes crashing down around you.

Nothing bad has happened, nothing has changed to make my super happy self feel unhappy, but the effects of the past few days have emotionally drained me.  They've overwhelmed me with such a huge surge of adrenaline that it has completely and utterly exhausted me.  

I also haven't been sleeping much.  That doesn't help.  My body is tired, and so my mind can't keep up with all of the new emotions I'm feeding in to it.  It's no wonder that at 4AM this morning I broke down in to a flood of tears... completely catching me off guard and coming out of nowhere.  

I was so confused...why on earth was I crying?  I've been so happy the past few days, so many exciting things have been going on, and yet all I could do was cry.  But, as the tears fell there were no bad emotions attached.  I didn't feel angry or sad or hurt... I just felt a release.  Like my body just needed to purge all of the emotions that have been building up inside.  

I truly believe that even though in my mind I hold no ill feelings towards the people that removed me from their lives 15 years ago, my heart hasn't quite figured out how to handle how I truly feel.  I've told myself over and over that what happened back then was done not out of malice, but out of protection. I've told myself that everything turned out just fine, and there's no reason why we can't just pick up where we left off or just start over.

Yet, deep down in my heart, there's still a piece of uncertainty that's holding on for dear life and not wanting to go.  

The what-ifs start coming to the surface.  What if I hadn't have been kicked out?  What if we'd stayed in contact all these years?  What if they aren't as happy as I am, and are just feeding their own guilt?  What if...what if...what if?

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.  I've said it a thousand times, in fact.  The events of my life played out the way they did because that's they way they were supposed to play out. Everything has meshed together and made me the person that I am today.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  All a valuable part of my life story and what has made me who I am.  I never want to take any of those things back... because for every bad event, there has been three times the good that has been bestowed on me.  

And I truly believe that there is a reason these people have now come back in to my life.  I haven't quite figured out what that reason is, but I know that eventually I'll find out.  Even if it's nothing more than to have people that were once very important to me become very important to me again.  

It's all been a roller-coaster ride of emotions, and my body needed to rest.  To calm.  To release.  

And now it has.

I'm, once again, ready to tackle it all...to get back on the roller-coaster and see what thrills await.  Maybe none... maybe a bunch.  Who knows?  Whatever happens though, I'm ready.  I just need to remember that I have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time.  Pace myself.  

Today, I'm going to go and see Sanity.  Just to get together and catch up on what's been going on in the past few weeks since we last saw each other.  It'll be nice to get away from everything that's been going on...deflate a little.  

And tonight, I'm going to go to bed early and catch up on some much needed sleep.  That is something I really need to do... because I think if I wasn't so tired, I wouldn't be feeling so drained.  

But, all in all... I'm still happy.  I'm good.  Fantastic, in fact.  

Even better now I got to get this all off my chest.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!

What a Fantastic Time

                           

This makes a change... a picture I actually like.  Peanut and I took this picture Saturday night, right before our dinner date with my old friend.  I didn't get to finish writing about it yesterday, but I'm gonna recap it all right now...

I was scared and nervous and excited.  But, I shouldn't have been scared or nervous because I had an absolutely WONDERFUL time.

It was almost like no time had passed at all.  After the first initial, awkward, "Hi, how are you?", we gave each other a big hug and everything just seemed to go back to normal.  Like it was so many years ago.  

We had a great dinner, and talked about so much.  Our lives, our kids, our families.  We reminisced and shared our memories of our time together, and it felt so good to laugh so much.  K's little family were there and made me feel very welcome.  They knew the history, so that made things a little easier.  But, they embraced me with open arms.  Like I was part of the family, and that meant so much to me.  I took Peanut with me because they wanted to meet her.  Not that my other kids aren't important, and that they don't want to meet them... but Peanut was the child I got pregnant with when everything fell apart.  It was important to them to meet her, talk to her, and see that she turned in to a fine young woman.

Once dinner was over, we drove over to a little park so that we could all sit and talk some more.  It was such a wonderful evening, and we've already started making plans on getting our families together for cookouts and such.

It just blows my mind how much people from so long ago can impact my life.  I mean, I've lead my life and come out A-OK without them, but they've always been in my mind.  I've always thought about the day we could meet again and share our life's adventures.

The only other person I was so close with in high school passed away several years ago.  So, I really haven't had any contact with my high school friends.  Not because I didn't have any friends, but I'm a firm believer that once life moves on...the true friends are those that stick around.  Sure, I "Like" several statuses on Facebook that belong to people I went to school with, but I haven't spent any amount of time thinking about them or reminiscing our times together.  Not like I have for the three friends that were the closest to me.  I lost one of them, and can never get her back... which I guess it's so important for me to rekindle the friendships I had with K and C. 

They were a big part of the tough times I endured during my mid-teen years.  They were there to offer a helping hand and help me make the best out of a bad situation.  It's so much more than a couple of teenagers that used to hang out with each other on the weekends.  We lived together!!  Shared a home. 24/7, we were together for several months.  Their family was my family.  And, now, it's like I have that extended family back.

K has let family members know that we've reconnected, and now they want to see me again. See how my life has turned out and especially how Peanut turned out.  I don't think it's from guilt, but more of a reinforcement that the right decisions were made when they were made... and to make sure that no hard feelings are held.  

I'm OK with that.  There are no hard feelings.  Now that I'm a mother of a teenager, I know where they were all coming from.  Why on earth would they take on the burden of a pregnant 17 year old?  It wasn't their burden to endure.  But, I'm sure they thought about me...wondered how I did, how everything turned out in the end.  And, now they all get that chance to find out.

I really feel like I'm starting out another strong friendship... starting over, yet picking up where we left off.  We're all adults, grown, have our own families, but now we will get to share them all. Be apart of each other's lives, just like we always dreamed about.  We always thought about our adult lives when we were young, and how we'd all be apart of those lives.  There may be a 15 year chunk out of that plan, but there's no reason why we still can't make some of those dreams come true.  

K and C are like the younger version of Sanity and Hope.  Sanity and Hope have been there for me during tough times, have been my shoulder to cry on when I needed them, and me for them.  While we don't get to see each other NEAR as often as I'd like, I know they're always a phone call or text message away.  And they know the same about me.   I can't picture my life without them, now.  Which is exactly how I feel about K and C.  When I was 16 years old, I couldn't picture my life without them.  Even when they weren't there, they were still there.  And now, they really ARE here.  

I can't put in to words how happy and excited that I am.  Really, I can't.  I'm trying.. but it's not doing what I feel any justice.  

To some, it may sound silly.  An adult woman that's so excited about friends she had in high school.  Big whoop, right?  Well, that's fine.  I understand that.  But, there's SOOOO much more to the story.  And, that story is still being written.  One day, I'll share it all...when the time is right.  I'll explain why all of this is such a big deal, and why they mean so much to me.  There are parts that I keep locked away because I'm not ready for the whole world to know ALL of my deep, dark secrets.  

In fact, those two are probably the only people on the planet that know ALL of the story.  My family, my kids, my friends, their family...no one knows ALL of it.  Except them.  Because they were right there with me.  And knowing that there are two people out there that shared those experiences with me, helped me through them in fact, means more than anyone could ever know.  And it's what's kept our bond in place.

One day I'll be able to confront those demons.  Share them.  But, right now, I'll just be satisfied with having them back in my life.  To bridge the gap that's formed over the past 15 years...and make sure they never slip away from me again.

Have a great Monday, everyone!!

Gonna Take a Trip Down Memory Lane

First off, let me start out by saying I am absolutely, 100% FINE!! Nothing bad is going on with me, nothing bad has happened, and I'm not worried about any major situation.  In fact, it's the complete opposite of all those things.

Yesterday's post seemed to have raised some concerns with some of my long-time readers.  I always appreciate the support and concern I get from my blog readers.  The network of virtual friends I have is very touching.  But, to those people who reached out to me yesterday to make sure everything is OK?  It is.  Really.  

The post I wrote yesterday was not sparked by a problematic or depressing group of emotions.  On the contrary, the post was actually influenced by excitement, nostalgia, and content.  I was happy when I wrote that post... I still am, in fact.  

You see, for the past week or so I've been connecting with some old friends I had 15 years ago.. and haven't seen since.  Thanks to Facebook, stuff like that can happen.  And when I say close friends, I mean they were pretty much my family.  

When I was 16, I went through a really rough patch with my parents.  I didn't like their rules, and didn't agree with how I was being treated (ah, teenagers, right?).  So, I moved out.  Just up and left.  And moved in with some friends.  Two, actually, that happened to be siblings.  I was friends with the older (who I'll call K), but very close to the younger (who'll I'll call C) (they are only a year apart in age).  They lived with their dad who gladly took me in (after discussing it with my parents), and they became my family...they took care of me, helped me, and made me feel like they were there for me.  

I lived with them for a while, and we had a lot of fun together.  Memories that can never and will never be erased.  I would go out on a limb and say that those few months that I lived there were the best times of my teen years.  The very best.  

But, everything came to a sudden end when I got pregnant at 17.  

I'm not going to go in to the story or share all the juicy details.. but long story short, my pregnancy was the end of my living with my friends, and ever seeing them again.  And so it has been for the past 15 years.

Well, that's not entirely true.  We have casually encountered each other on Facebook before...several years back, I did connect (very briefly) with C, but it was short lived.  I have been friends with K on Facebook for a while, and we've spoken occasionally, but not more than a quick "How are you? How's life?" situation.  

But, that all changed a little over a week ago when the C reached out to me once again.  And we've been talking pretty much non-stop ever since.  Reminiscing, laughing, sharing our life stories with one another.  And that sparked me to reach out to K again and do the same.  

And tonight, I'm going to see the K for the first time in FIFTEEN YEARS!!!  

It's been a whirlwind of excitement.  I'm also nervous and happy.  It's amazing how time can pass by, yet after not speaking for 15 years, conversations can pick up right where they left off.  

This is so important to me for two reasons.  One, is connecting with the people I loved and were the closest to me during the time we lived together.  Two, being to catch up on everything that life has thrown our way and get rid of any negativity that may be lingering due to the circumstances that played out all those years ago.

I know that none of us bear any grudges.  We were young, stupid, and made mistakes.  Those mistakes have been forgiven, and we've moved on with our lives.  But, they were such an important part of my mid-teen years, that I feel a need to reconnect and have them back in my life.

The fact that fifteen years has gone by and we are being given this opportunity speaks volumes for the kind of relationship we all had.  Even though the relationship only lasted a little over a year and a half (with my living there for about 6 months of that), it's a friendship that has stood the test of time.  They know more about me than my family and my closest friends that I've had for years, and I about them.

It was a short, but very intense relationship we all shared.  When I was at the lowest point of my life, thus far, they brought me out of it.  They have no idea how much they did for me... and now I get the chance to share that information with them.  Thank them.  Show them that everything turned out OK, and life has been great.

I know this all sounds very bizarre, but I have to put it out there that K and C had absolutely NO say in how our friendship ended.  Adults took control of that situation and removed me from it.  Apparently I was quite the bad influence.  Which, I suppose I can understand now that I am an adult with kids of my own.  I may have done the same thing, knowing what I know now about being a parent.  They know I hold no resentment for how things played out, and it's just taken us all this long to realize that it was none of our faults and there's no reason we can't rekindle our bonds.

So K and I are making that first step by having dinner tonight.

C lives 9 hours away, otherwise the three of us would be getting together.

I'm excited.  I think it's going to be really great for both of us.  

But first, I should probably do some laundry and clean my house.  UGH!!!

Have a great Saturday!!

Taking a Walk Down Memory Lane

                                   

The left picture is me, about 4 years ago.  Dressed up for night out on the town with Sanity (one of my best friends).  The picture on the right?  Me, last night, all dressed up for a night on the town with Sanity.  Apart from the hair and the AH-MAZING aviators I'm sporting, I haven't changed all that much.  Aged just a little, I suppose, but still looking pretty good for a girl in her early thirties out for a good time.

And that's exactly what I had last night.  An awesome time.  Just like old times... four years ago, when we spent so much time together out and having fun.

It's been well over a year since we attempted the "college days night out reunion" and it was a major flop.  We were all home by 9PM, and probably in bed by 10. But, we were new teachers, then, exhausted from our weeks of working.  We just didn't have it in us to stay out until all hours of the night, dancing, laughing, and having a good time.  But, we've been doing it a while, now, and last night we were ready to try it again.

The old ladies that we are decided to start our evening off at 4PM.  Doesn't that just sound like a party waiting to happen?  Hitting the town at 4PM.  Oh yeah.  You know there's trouble to be made when people are walking up and down the street that turns in to a night hub of bars, drinking, and dancing with shopping bags in their hands.  Or their in workout gear from getting in a nice jog down the street before it's lined with drinkers falling all over themselves.  

Do you think that stopped us walking straight in to a bar, though?  Nope.  And to our astonishment, the place was PACKED.  4:30PM, and the place was already hopping with "adult beverage" activity.  

In our defense, we were actually going to dinner but got there way too early even for us to eat.  We hadn't really planned on kicking off our night on the town at 4:30 in the afternoon, but both of us were so dang excited to go out, we left WAY earlier than we should have.  But, it was OK, we sat on the patio of the little bar and just talked for over an hour.  We caught up on the all the goings on that's happened since we last saw each other.  Of course, an hour wasn't near enough to cover it all, but it was long enough until we decided we were hungry and we could pick up the conversation over dinner.  So, we walked down to the restaurant and spent another hour talking, eating, laughing, and reminiscing old times.

Once dinner was over, it was almost after 7.  We had made plans to watch a live band perform, but we found out that it didn't start until 9.  I'll be honest and admit that it sounded a little daunting.  Would we be able to make it?  

Well, I'm happy to report that not only did we make it for the show, but we were still alive and kicking after the show.  

The show was amazing.  A bunch of guys in their 50s, 60s, and I'm guessing even 70s were rocking HARD.  And their female lead singer had a voice that gave me goosebumps every time she opened her mouth.  She had a soulful, raspy voice that just reached out and grabbed everyone that was around.  I also love the fact that there were about 8 of them... three different types of guitars, a bass, a drummer, a keyboarder, a saxophone player, and the singer.  Just an all around, great time.

Once we had listened to some great tunes, I was in the mood to sing some myself.  And dance a little.  And there's only one place Sanity and I go to when those types of feelings set in.  It had been three years since we last stepped in to our "regular place", but the minute we walked in it felt like we'd been rushed back in time.  Old memories surfaced quickly, and I was back in my comfort zone, in the place I belonged.  

Thankfully the place was pretty empty, so getting up to sing my first song was easy.  I decided to go with an old favorite, a song I sang at a high school talent show:  Foolish Games by Jewel.  Not to inflate my ego, but I sounded pretty darn good.  The few people in the bar all stopped to listen to me, and it gave me the confidence boost I needed to keep getting back up on that stage even as droves of people started coming in the front door.  

To give you an idea on how much we used to frequent that place?  A regular that we used to talk to EVERY time we went in there was sitting at the bar when we walked in.  It took him a little while, but he remembered us.  He came over and we made our greetings, and he spent the next couple of hours reminiscing, singing, and dancing.  

I haven't laughed that hard in such a long time.  Or had so much fun.

Sanity and I have decided that we are not going to wait so long to do it again.  There's absolutely no reason why we can't make it a once every other month deal.  So, we've already got plans in the making for another excursion before we head back to school.  If I have my way, we'll actually do it a couple of times before we go back to school...but we'll see how that goes.

Last night helped me realize that I just have to take some time for myself every once in a while.  I can go out with a good friend, have a good time, and it's OK.  I don't have to feel guilty or worry that I'm doing something without the rest of the family.  

And that's exactly what I'm going to do... every now and then.

Today though, I'm off to the water park with the kiddos and P-Momma.  A day with the family is JUST what I need.  

Have a great Sunday, everyone!!