Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Live to Fight Another Day

I'm up a little late this morning and having some trouble getting awake because I had a REALLY hard time falling asleep last night.  Well, scratch that, I didn't fall asleep last night at all.  I feel asleep sometime this morning, and it's was pretty darned close to the time I usually get up.  So, I already know it's going to be a long day.

It was, once again, another night full of tossing and turning because I couldn't shut off my brain and every time I closed my eyes, visions popped in to my head that I didn't want to see.  I'd just start to doze off, and BAM!  Bad dream.  I'd lay there for a while, and thoughts would zap at me keeping my eyes barricaded from closing.

This always happens to me when things are going really well.  

And see, you thought I was going to say something bad has happened or I'm feeling sad about something, huh?  Nope.  I'm feeling very happy, actually, and that's usually what brings on the thoughts and bad dreams, like my head is trying to tell me to remain cautious and not get too wrapped up in a few good days.  It's my defense mechanism.  It's not that I don't think I should be happy, or that I have to prepare for it not to last long, but my brain has this negative security system built in that I just can't seem to shut off.  The batteries are running out, and I don't have near as many problems as I used to with sleeping, but I'm ready for the whole system to die completely!!  

Last night was a really good night, up until the whole trying to go to sleep thing.  I was told some things that really gave me a big boost of motivation, and some stuff that eased my mind and told me that things really could work out OK.  I was told that one situation in particular that I have been dealing with was over, and that I didn't have to worry about it anymore.  That made me feel really good.  I've been waiting to hear those words, but didn't know if I'd ever hear them.  Of course, it's also one of those situations where I have to stay cautiously optimistic.  Situations have a bad habit of returning, even when you think they're over with.  Some situations don't know when to give up and walk away.  They don't know when to leave well enough alone and understand that it would be a whole lot easier if they just stayed away and not have to make me deal with them anymore.

But some situations never learn.  Thankfully, I know I'm strong enough to deal with them.  

I know that I am very underestimated by some people.  Heck, for a while, I underestimated myself.  I was full of doubt, worry, and fear.  I didn't know if I was cut out to tackle some of the battles that have come my way, but I'm still here, still standing.  I live to fight another day.  Nobody is going to tear me down, nobody is going to make me back away, and nobody is going to make me give up on my happiness.  It's going to be a fight to the death, I know, but the battles are getting a lot easier.  

What helps is the encouragement that I'm receiving for "hanging in there".  The fact that even though I get mad, upset, and frustrated sometimes, doesn't mean that I'm not able to handle stuff, it just means that I still care.  Once those feelings disappear, it's game over.  Because without the feelings, it means I don't care anymore.  I'm trying to get better about picking my battles more carefully.  Sometimes I overreact, get bent out of shape about the smallest little thing, but it's because I'm dealing with a lot.  Even though I'm feeling a lot happier, and feeling a lot more optimistic about my future, I still have little moments of weakness where I get a little deflated and tired.  I'm allowed to have mini-meltdowns every once in a while, though, I'm just happy they are a lot less frequent than they were a month ago.  I'm making progress.  I won't be perfect overnight, and that's something I just need to understand.

I am so ready and willing to stand strong and take on whatever is thrown my way.  I also know that I'm not alone in my battle.  I have the best person in my corner, keeping me grounded and giving me advice on how to fight.  And no one has better advice for fighting than the person in my corner.  I get to be that same person in reverse, and together we make one heck of a team.  Nobody can get between us, nobody can stop us.  I truly believe that.

Right now, though, I just need to wake myself up and focus on today.  I have to be very careful on days like this because I get a little overly sensitive.  It's going to be A-OK though, I know it. Gotta stay strong, gotta keep going... MUST. HAVE. COFFEE!!  

Have a great day, everyone!

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