Yesterday, I very much considered shutting down my blog. Ending it. Taking it away so that I couldn't say anything else wrong, upset anyone, or give out too much information about my life. Because the last thing I really want to do when I write is any of those things, but I often end up doing all of those things anyway. But, I love writing. I love blogging. I blog so that I can share my thoughts and feelings with the world, and it's just something that helps me emotionally and mentally.
So, I changed my mind.
The blog isn't going anywhere. However, I have now set up a private journal that I can write in about my deepest, darkest feelings, and keep all that mess away from the public eye. I think that will be good for me. I think having two places to write will be even better. It doesn't mean I'll stop writing about my feelings and what's going on in my life, here, but I can filter and censor what I share here with what I need to keep to myself.
The last blog post I wrote came across as kinda mean and hateful. I get that. It wasn't my intention. I would never try and tell people to stop caring about me. I'm thankful and blessed to have so many people in my life that do care about me. My words were simply away of telling those people that do care that I'm a hard one to figure out. I often say things that are taken wrong, or I am often vague about what's going on about me which lead to misconceptions. There is so much more to my story that I do keep locked away, and I only share small portions here and there. That makes matters worse, I know, which is why I feel the need to stop doing that. When I told people to STOP IT, I wasn't talking about caring. I was talking about trying to make sense of my thoughts, trying to understand my decisions, and trying to figure out why I was doing what I was doing. I can understand being concerned, I can understand caring about me... that's not what I was telling everyone to stop doing.
But, again, misconceptions and misunderstanding. I say one thing, I mean another... one of the downfalls to public blogging.
This weekend has been really good for me in terms of realizing a few things, coming to some understandings, and as Eminem would say "cleaning out my closet". I've considered some of the things I've been dealing with lately, stewed on them for a while, and made some decisions. Where I go from here on out is anyone's guess, but I now know that I need to clear out some clutter and get rid of some of the stuff that's been bringing me down.
One thing that I'm definitely going to start doing from here on out is focusing on myself a bit more. I've tried to be nice, help others, and do what I can to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. That is stopping right now. My friend was absolutely right when she posted that quote about making my own happiness, and that will never come from trying to make other people happy or expecting others to make me happy. I have to start controlling my own happiness.
I have no problem helping, being there, and supporting someone.. But it's gonna be on my terms. I meant what I said about never giving up, but I'm not gonna roll over anymore. And I know I've said that before. But, I really think I mean it this time.
Time will tell, I suppose. But, one thing I do know is that I feel good. I don't feel sad, mad, or upset. For the first time, I just feel like it is what it is. There's stuff that's got to happen, and I'm gonna make it happen.
But today I'm moving forward, I'm starting a new chapter. Life is calling, and it's about time I picked up the phone. Time to start creating my own happiness, and making each day count.
Have a great day, everyone!!