PMS - Pathetic Me Syndrome

Yesterday was a rough day.  Super rough.  Want to pull my hair out and throw wads of hair at people rough.  Silly little stuff got to me, and by the end of the morning, I could have actually cried.  Which is something I don't do.  Crying because I'm having a rough day just doesn't happen to me...thinking about crying is just as rare.  But, that's how I felt by lunch time.

The stupid thing is, though, that nothing major happened yesterday.  There were no major situations that caused an emotional escalation.  It was another day of trying to teach kids stuff they don't know or have forgotten in the week since they last saw it, and trying to come up with creative ways for them to remember the new skills they have to know or remember the skills.  I have been doing this every day since August 15th.  No biggie.  Some days are harder than others, and some skills are more difficult to teach than others.

But, for some reason, whenever I asked a question and got the wrong response yesterday, my blood starting heating up a little.  I started to feel deflated when it appeared I wasn't getting my message across.  I was on the verge of feeling helpless.  And on a couple of separate occasions, I had to actually swallow down tears.  What.  The.  Freak?

That person wasn't me.  Not the normal me.  I am tough.  Strong.  Powerful.  Nothing really gets me down.  If there's a challenging situation that arises, I take it head on.  I fight to the death.  I won't give up.  Kids don't know the difference between fact and opinion even though I've taught it a few times over the past couple of weeks?  No big deal.  I just go back and remind them of some of the activities we did together.  I remind them of scenarios we used and how we were able to distinguish between the two back then until the light bulbs of remembering light up.  If they somehow forget that 10 plus 9 is 19 and that it's not 20, I can deal with that.  I can spill off the facts for counting numbers from 10.  I can draw pretty diagrams on the board, I can have them hold up their fingers, I can give other examples.

Any other day.  Except yesterday.

By lunch time I was a heaping mess of emotions.  While I didn't actually break down and cry, it took everything I had not to make it happen.  I felt weak.  I felt defeated.  I felt like no matter what I said or did, I just wasn't good enough to do what I had to do.  And I almost had an outer body experience of looking at myself and thinking "What the heck is wrong with you?  This isn't you.  You never act or feel this way".

So, I started thinking about it.  I did the rational thing of trying to figure out what was causing these mysterious emotional feelings.  It had to be something.  Yesterday morning, I wrote about how people around me were dropping like flies because they were sick.  I thought maybe that was it.  Maybe I was coming down with something.  Maybe I was just having some weird reaction to a stomach bug, a cold, or a new disease not yet discovered that can be furthermore known as Crazy Woman Syndrome.  And then it hit me that there's already a syndrome with similar symptoms and pretty much the same translation of the actual name.

PMS

Holy cat balls.

In my 30 years of being on this earth, and the 18 years that I've been old enough to deal with the horror that is a monthly visit from Aunt Flo, I have NEVER had PMS.  Seriously.  Not kidding.  Totally telling the truth, here.

When Aunt Flo comes each month, she comes, she goes, I live life like normal.  OK, so I may eat too much chocolate or feel frumpy or want to curl up on the couch and sleep all day.... but my emotions stay completely in tact during each five days of the woman's curse.  No one can tell that it's my time of the month.   

Until yesterday.

I have no idea why all of a sudden PMS decided to visit me.  I don't know what I've done to the universe to deserve this torture.  What I do know is that I don't like it and I never want it again!  If PMS involves feeling like a crazy, helpless, crying at the drop of a hat person... then it can stay WELL away from me.

Thankfully, I'm feeling much better today.  Right now, anyway.  Aunt Flo did make her appearance - confirming my suspicions - last night.  On one hand I was relieved, because that meant I had put the pieces of my breakdown puzzle together correctly.  But on the other hand I'm now wondering why all of a sudden it started happening now.  Is this a sign that I'm getting old?  Are my hormones starting to get all out of whack?  Am I just so exhausted and stressed that the PMS was lying dormant waiting for the right concoction of emotions to work together before they all exploded?

I don't know.  I don't really care, to be honest.  I just want to go through my days as the happy-go-lucky girl who doesn't have to be taken with caution for certain days out of the month.  Is that too much to ask?

Yes, I have a lot on my plate.  I know that my stress level is above the normal range.  But, it's good stress.  Don't even think of mentioning that there's no such thing as "good stress" because there totally is.  Good stress is knowing I have deadlines and pushing myself to meet them.  Good stress is knowing that I have 17-20 kids in each of my classes that are depending on me to give them the information they need to successfully get through the 4th grade.  And good stress is juggling lesson plans, volleyball, tutoring, new teacher meetings, professional development, enjoying family time, and staying on top of grades.  Because all of it means I have everything I've always wanted.  The career I've waited my whole life for.  The family dynamics I've always dreamed about. 

PMS may have decided to attack - but I will fight back.  You caught me off guard this time, PMS, but I'm gonna be ready for ya from now on.  Just see if I'm not!

Embracing the Triggers...Even the Ones You Don't Like Talking About

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling much better this morning.  It was a rough day yesterday.  I had trouble keeping my eyes open for most of the day.  When I got home, I passed out on the couch for about 30 minutes before dinner.  After dinner, I started to feel a little better - more awake.  I ended up staying up until almost 10 - after watching Biggest Loser and reading another chapter in the book I'm reading.  Before I went to sleep, I decided to give myself a breathing treatment - and that really helped let me drift off to sleep quickly...and I stayed that way all night. 

Being sick - even if it is allergies - just takes every bit of strength out of my system.  Both physically and mentally.  I'm so hard on myself.  I haven't been to the gym this week.  I told myself that I wasn't going to allow any excuses - but I'm pretty sure that not being able to breath is a good excuse.  I hope?  I was literally wheezing and catching my breath just walking down the hallway at work yesterday. 

I have seasonal asthma, and it usually only really bothers me for a week or two each year.  It comes at the time that all the blossoms come out on the trees, and after we have all of the April showers.  Well, being that it rained the ENTIRE week last week - I'm in pollen grand central station right now.  I'm hoping it's just the shock to my system that's causing the asthma symptoms to happen so quickly and heavily and once my body adjusts a little - I'll be able to get back to my sneezy, watery eyed, but able to breath normally self. 

If dealing with my allergies and not being able to go to the gym wasn't enough - Aunt Flo also decided to show up yesterday.  You all know how much I love her, right?  Yep.  The evil witch is here, in full force.  When she comes she brings cravings, mood swings, and laziness - her closest friends - along for the visit.  If my allergies weren't making me lazy enough, Aunt Flo will be sure that she has a hand in completely keeping my behind on the couch for the five to seven days she's here. 

Laziness I can tolerate the most.  As long as I'm able to keep cravings and mood swings at bay.  And, well, come on... my track record shows how well that goes down.  It never fails that I start the excuse train each time AF is here - and I start cramming down the sweets, the salty, and then snapping anyone's head off that says a thing about it. 

Yesterday, she won.  I ate two cupcakes.  Not just one.  Two.  That were brought in for a child's birthday.  I could have stopped at one.  Heck, I could have gracefully declined all together - but no, I caved.  Needless to say, I went over my calorie intake by 345 calories yesterday giving me a grand total of 1815 calories consumed.

During my self loathing and self pity party that I threw myself last night, all I could think about was why I always let AF win - and how much I hated it when she's here.  Then, I remembered reading something in the Savor book about embracing the triggers.  My plan for helping overcome cravings was putting myself through a strict detox.  I was successful for the week I did the detox.  I told myself that I'd keep doing it - but a week off for spring break put the dampers on that.  Then, I told myself I'd pick up where I left off once going back to work.  Only two days in, and I'm talking about eating cupcakes - two days in a row.

I'm not going to quote the book word for word, but I remember reading that when I fight my triggers that set me in to an emotional eating frenzy - I end up losing.  The losing, or failure comes from the fact that I tell myself that it's the triggers that are making me eat.  It's the triggers that are causing my moments of weakness.  It's a cycle of excuses that I let my body go through.  The weakness is in the failure - or allowing myself to blame the triggers.  The only way to cope with the triggers is by embracing them.  Understanding that they'll always be there.  Learning to find ways to live with them without self destructing each time they appear.  If I continue to let AF be the excuse that I mindlessly eat when she's here - she'll always win.  Embracing her when she's here, and feeding my body healthy foods - that keep me energized and full - can alleviate some of the weakness I feel.

My mind was on a mission when I started the detox.  The mission was to eat mostly fruits and vegetables.  The mission was to keep sugar and white flour out of my system.  My mission was to test my palette with foods I wasn't accustomed to.  And the main mission?  To help overcome the cravings and overeating that happens whenever I get the slightest sniff of unhealthy food.

Yesterday, I really got to see how bad sugar affects me.  Instead of opting for my bowl of Kashi cereal for breakfast - I ate a granola bar.  Granola bars have sugar in them.  Real sugar.  A lot of it, too.  For the entire day after that, I was hungry.  Then I ate a Smart Ones lunch.  Low calories - but pasta as the main ingredient.  Can we say craving coma?  Not only had I eaten sugar, but then I followed it up with pasta.   No wonder by the time the birthday cupcake celebration came around - I was unable to control my urge to eat not one, but two cupcakes.  It wasn't Aunt Flo that did that to me - it was the sugar! 

So, I know I'm rambling on with all this and moving in about a thousand different directions.  What's the point of all this excuse banter?  Well, I have to embrace the fact that it's not AF that causes my time of the month self destruction.  It's the fact that I've got so used to having an "out" each time she's here.  I've created the excuse in my head.  I've personified the normal cycle a woman goes through each month.  I've given it this strange super power - as if it were a real person inside my head that arrives with a full suitcase and wants nothing more than to wreck havoc on my week.  Did you read the first part of this blog?  I call it Aunt Flo, for heaven's sake.  I referred to it as if it were a real person.. I did that!  And I really do have an Aunt Flo - and I'm sure she'd cringe after reading something as silly as this.

Each month, I have a period.  Period.  Yes, it messes with my hormones.  Yes, it causes bloating.  Yes, it's more than likely I'll retain water for a few days.  But that's it.  There's no little person inside of me demanding that I feed her cake and ice-cream and chips.  There's no evil Aunt that demands I do nothing more than sit on the couch.  I may feel moody - that will be the hormones.  I may get grouchy - that'll be the bloating causing my clothes to fit tighter.  But the urge to eat everything in sight?  That's all me.  That's me saying - "Hey! You have the perfect excuse to mindlessly eat yourself in to a sugar coma.  You can pretend that your period is making you do it!  Just make it sound like your period is an evil entity living inside of your head with some kind of crazy psycho mind control abilities, and no one will notice how crazy stupid it sounds."  It sounds stupid now, right?  But in reality, that's exactly what I've done for the past gazillion years since my period first started.

Today, the AF excuse will be embraced.  I'm going to embrace and accept the trigger.  It's going to arrive each month for probably the next twenty years.... I've just got to get used to it at some point.  I'm back on my detox - again.  There will be no more sugar or flour or pasta or bread entering my body for a while.  Probably a long while.  A week wasn't near long enough.  I want to get in to a size 16 by May 17th.  This eating plan can only help that goal.  This eating plan will help me stay energized so that (when I'm able to breath normally again) I can get back in to the gym and burn off tons of calories and help tone and shape my changing body. 

As my good friend, Jenn likes to say:  It's Day #1 Again!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday.. Finally Some Good Confessions?

Dear Diary...

It's time for my weekly installment of confessions.  Could it be that this week things will be different?  Is it possible that for the first time in too many months to keep track of that I actually post some positive confessions?  Let's see...

I confess that I'm sick.  Again.  I'm the only person I know that gets horribly sick for one night, then feels fine for two days, and then gets smashed with feeling like crap again.  Yesterday, I woke up with a raspy voice and a sore throat.  I went to work, not thinking much of it, but it got significantly worse throughout the day. I'm home today because I woke up this morning hacking, and Jelly also has it. 

I confess that despite feeling like ca-ca yesterday afternoon and not wanting to go the gym at all, I still made myself go.  I'll wait and soak in the applause.  Oh, you were too shocked to clap?  Well, snap out of it and cheer for me - I deserve it!!  My throat and chest felt like I'd swallowed a hot poker, yet I still made myself go to the gym.  That deserves, at least, a little WOO HOO!!

I confess that I took it easy at the gym.  Took it easy as in only doing 15 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes lifting weights.  I don't think that's too bad when I was having trouble breathing and it hurt to swallow.  I didn't just walk on the treadmill, either.  I did intervals of 60 second jogs with 90 second walks.  That's pretty darn awesome considering how I felt, if I do say so myself. 

I confess that I'm super duper stoked that this week will be the first week of claiming my $5 bonus for getting in 3 work-outs for the week!!  If you remember, and you may not being that it's been a month since I posted about it, I started a reward jar to claim my monetary rewards for my success.  Working out three times in a week earns me a $5 bonus.  And I'm claiming that bonus this week after working out Saturday, Sunday, and yesterday.  Go me!! 

I confess that I'm kind of expecting a small gain on the scale tomorrow.  I know that sounds weird after the rays of positivity I've been shining, but Aunt Flo is here.  The witch always brings about 2 to 3lbs of luggage when she arrives, so I'm not going to be totally shocked if I see a little gain tomorrow.  Being that I just started working out, I can't expect my body to have dropped a ton of weight in 3 days - so I'm crossing my fingers that my effort will definitely be put on display this time next week.

I confess that apart from my birthday cake that I ate last Wednesday night, I've only eaten not so good one day out of the entire week.  That would have been Friday.  It was Soup In A Bowl day at work (you know, for the Super Bowl), and the break room was full of all kinds of goodies.  I ate two small bowls of soup and a couple of brownies.  Oh, and some cheese dip with chips.  It may not sound like much, but it was.  The brownies were made of chocolate chip cookie dough, Oreo cookies, and brownie mix.  Yeah.  The worst combination wrapped together in the best treat ever. 

I confess that the rest of the week I've eaten pretty well, or at least cut down my portion sizes significantly.  I ate salads two days last week for lunch, I've been eating only one smaller portion for dinner, and I've been guzzling down my water each day. 

I confess that I even had the willpower to skip out on free pizza at the gym last night.  You are sitting down while reading this, right?  There may be just too much shock for your system to handle if you're standing.  Planet Fitness does this promotion on the first Monday of the month in which you get to eat free pizza after your work-out.  It's to promote the fact that you can treat yourself once in a while, as long as you enjoy in moderation.  I saw the pizza arrive.  I saw them setting it all up.  I then made a quick dash to the door.  I was NOT going to take part.  It's a great promotion, but I'm just not ready for something like that.

I confess that instead of eating pizza, I opted for grabbing a Cliff protein bar when I stopped at the store on the way home.  I wish I hadn't.  It was my first time eating a Cliff bar, and it will be my last.  I didn't care for it one bit.  It was soft and mushy and gross tasting.  It was the first protein bar I've ever tried that disappointed me so much.  

I confess that I feel amazing.  Well, despite the whole being sick thing.  I feel like I've done a complete 180 with my mindset and my actions.  They are now starting to harmonize and get along.  My body is doing what my head wants it to do, and it's a fantabulous feeling.  Being at the gym the past couple of days has shown me that I still have a massive fire burning inside.  I have strength, dedication, and the ability to overcome my obstacles and move mountains (from my behind). 

And, there, I think I'm done.  


Wow, how weird it feels to read my confessions and not cringe or groan or sigh.  Isn't it amazing how a little exercise has completely changed my outlook and mood?  I knew it was the last ingredient needed to make this recipe a success... but I just needed a little push from a gym opening up right across from my work to help put it all together.  


I know that three days isn't enough to say that I've magically transformed and will never back track again.  But being able to turn myself around and start moving in the right direction is sometimes the hardest part of the journey.  I've made that step.  Yes, it took a little longer than expected.  The first month of the year was a complete wash, but I still have 11 months to go of this year.  That's a long time. A lot can be accomplished in that time - and I know that I can make up for lost time.  Just try and stop me!

Till next time. ;)

I Want the Pain To Go Away.....Again!

Dear Diary...

I'm pretty sure I've said this a thousand times, but I LOVE cold weather.  I love being able to snuggle up in the evenings in front of a crackling fire place.  I love going to bed and having to pile on blankets because there's a chill in the air.  I've always loved cold weather. 

We haven't had much cold weather in my neck of the woods, this winter.  There have been days here and there where the temps have been in the 30s and 40s, but then there's a week or two of temps in the 60s.  The temperature has been up and down like a yo-yo since October.  It just can't make up it's mind.  Yesterday, we got a dusting of snow - after two continual weeks of temps in the high 60s  Right now, I'm pretty sure it's about 20 degrees outside.  I don't have to look at a thermometer to know this.  I can fill it in my bones.  Literally.

Thus, brings me to what I have on my mind this morning.  My aches and pains. 

Since high school, I've had some serious problems with my knees.  I had a nasty injury as a sophomore in high school that left hardly any cartilage around my knee cap.  I'm one of those people that can feel cold weather and rain coming just by the pain in my knee.  For years, I've relied on braces and ice packs to help ease the discomfort.  That was, until I lost weight. 

In April of 2010, I hobbled my way through my first 5K.  It was agony.  After I was done, I was on the couch for 2 days after because I couldn't walk from the pain.  Slowly, but surely, I recovered and kept working hard to push my knee while running.  After about 60lbs were gone, the pain in my knee almost disappeared.  By the time I was down in to the 2-teens with my weight (80lbs lost), I had no more pain.  It was heaven.  I was able to run for miles and not even have a twinge of discomfort in my knee.  I knew it was because I had finally relieved the strain that was being put on my knee...the weight.

Now, the pain has returned.  Not just my knee pain, either.  Nope, now I have more aches and pains to throw in the mix. 

For the past couple of months, when Aunt Flo has made a visit, I've noticed an increase in pain.  It started out with the headaches.  I can now determine the exact date when Aunt Flo is coming by the migraine that always comes one week in advance.  I've had a few migraines in my life - bad enough to bring me to tears because the pain is so bad.  Now, they are occurring every month.  Then, there's the back pain.  Holy mother of Hades the back pain.  This just started...and I hate it.  I feel like I'm in labor.  The pain in my back comes and goes like contractions, and it's knocked the wind out of me several times over the past couple of days. 

I didn't have any of this nonsense when I weighed 212lbs.  The only pain I ever felt was from sore muscles - that I embraced as a sign of my hard work during a good work-out.  Now, I just have to stand up and I'm in agony.  Or the cold weather makes an appearance, and I feel it.

I was warned about the headaches and "other symptoms" when I got my new implant.  Of course, back then I was in the 220's.  That was the higher scale for being allowed to have the implant.  My doctor warned me that if I gained too much weight, I'd start noticing some complications.  She told me I could start experiencing headaches, cramping, back pain.  She told me.  Yet, I didn't let it phase me.  For the first two months I had no symptoms.  I had no problems. 

But, now that I'm floating around 240lbs... I've gone too far.  I'm in the "not advisable" category... yet, it's too late.  I already have the implant.  I'm now faced with two options:  Lose the weight or lose the implant.  The implant is not going anywhere. 

I know all of this is maybe TMI, and I'm sorry.  Well, not really.  The only thing I'm sorry about is letting myself get to the point where I even have to discuss something like this. 

I had an implant while back in 2010 when I was losing weight like a mad woman.  I can't and won't blame the implant for the weight gain.  Yes, I know that a side effect to many forms of birth control is weight gain... yet, that didn't affect me before so I'm not about to use it as a crutch now.  I was the one that gained the weight - all by myself.  I know face the consequences of my actions.  Not just in mental pain, but in physical pain.

It goes to show that there's a lot more at stake with gaining weight than just having clothes that no longer fit.  It also goes to show how in the blink of an eye, everything I worked so hard to achieve can be gone..and in it's place is pain and uncomfortableness. 

Gaining weight is easy.  It only requires two things.  Stuffing my face silly, and not working out.  Yet, reversing the damage is just as easy.  Stop stuffing my face silly and start working out.  This isn't my first rodeo.  I've been down this road more times than I care to count.  Yet, I never had the victory of being completely pain free like I was just over a year ago.  Having all of these comparisons really set the tone for what I'm achieving....again.

So, now I get to add another incentive to the work I'm doing.  I want to be pain free again.  I want to be able to work out and run for hours without having to worry about spending days recovering.  I don't want to be a personal weather gauge.  I don't want to roll out of bed for a week each month feeling like I'm an 90 year old woman stricken with crippling back pain. 

My goodness, you have no idea how much I can't wait for Feb. 4th to get here.  The day my new gym opens.  The day I get to walk in and meet with a trainer that's going to help me get back to that woman I was...and the woman I still want to be.  There's a lot to be done until then, though.  So I'm sucking up the pain.  It's now literally come down to Move It or Lose It.  Move my behind or lose my implant.  Again, the implant's not going anywhere.

Oh, and apparently I have another PMS symptom... feeling horribly sorry for myself.  Ready to get rid of that one, too!  This weekend's forecast calls for some serious movement... to help get rid of the gloomy clouds that have been hanging overhead for far too long!

Till next time. ;)

Yeah, I Got Some Confessions...

Every Tuesday, I join in with this little fun thing called True Confessions Tuesday.  It's hosted by the Sisterhood, and it gives me the chance to lay all of my sins out on the table....so that they can stay there, and I can start over.  It's a sweet release for anything I may be a little ashamed off.  I, also, like to confess some good things - when I get the chance.  So, here we go...

I confess that...this week has not been as good as last week in regards to my eating.  It's all Aunt Flo's fault!  That b**ch has had me eating cookies, kettle corn, ice-cream, and even a Snickers bar here and there.  I hate her!!

I confess that... I know full well that blaming my eating on Aunt Flo is nothing but an excuse.  I know this.  I confess this.  But I will not stop blaming her.  It's still all her fault.  This is her first visit since getting my implant - and it has SUCKED!!  I've had headaches, I've been moody, and..well...I haven't stopped eating.  My "normal" three day visit is now going on to day six.  It sucks big hairy llama balls.  So, this week, I'm blaming Aunt Flo AND Uncle Implant....and I don't give a bee's behind how much of an excuse it is. 

I confess that...I was deeply touched by Drazil's comment from yesterday.  She asked that I not refer to myself as "fat" for at least a week.  The truth is, I just refer to myself that way because of the name of my blog.  Honestly, I really no longer consider myself "fat".  I still think I'm overweight - but nothing compared to what I was a few years ago.  But, because Draz asked, and because I love her so much - I will not refer to myself as fat for at least a week....maybe longer.

I confess that...yesterday, I was thrilled, ecstatic, over the moon, happier than a...well, you get the point.  I received notification that my student loans have been approved for deferment for another year.  HALLELUJAH!!  Now, lets all hope and pray I find a teaching job next year - so I can afford the payments then.  No, seriously, start praying now....you have no idea how much time flies!

I confess that...I was relieved and happy after I got to meet Peanut's new teacher yesterday afternoon.  It was my first parent/teacher conference...and I'm not sure why I was so nervous.  The teacher had nothing but wonderful things to say about Peanut - and I knew right away that Peanut is not going to have any of the mess she had in her last school.

I confess that...playing kickball with the teachers, last week, was one of the most fun things I have EVER done.  A few years ago, I wouldn't  - or couldn't - have signed up to join in with something like that.  Despite the setbacks I've had in the past months, that one game made me realize how far I've come with my weight loss efforts.  I ran hard, I played hard...and I didn't about die doing it.  I didn't even care about any jiggling as I was running...the fact that I could run was all that mattered.

I confess that...twice this week, Hubby has cooked a healthy meal...and I've loved it!!  I know that doesn't sound like much - and it's not the only healthy meals I've eaten - but having a lean protein with brown rice and a veggie was a treat.  He's told me, however, that I have to start coming up with more things to cook...and maybe even start doing some of the cooking myself... because he's getting a little tired of it.  EEK!!  This scares the crap out of me.  I don't mind cooking once in a while - but now I have to start thinking of healthy meals AND cooking them.  Bummer!!

I confess that...I haven't been doing so well with my water intake this week.  I've been drinking water every day - just not the 64ozs I'm supposed to be.  I know that if I had been, I probably wouldn't be dealing with the bloating that I'm dealing with right now....lesson learned, once again.

I confess that...after using the new iCloud calendar, and all of it's color coding awesomeness...I saw how busy I really am.  I've never combined all three of my calendars into one before - and it's pretty darn scary.  My work, family, and personal stuff are now all carefully coordinated into one calendar - and holy bejeezus...no wonder I never feel like going out for a run or fitting in some exercise time.  I am one busy chick!!  Almost every afternoon, between now and Christmas, I have something going on.  I do still have a few clear weekends...maybe I should schedule my runs, again.  It worked in the past - maybe it's time to start doing that again?

I confess that...now the student loan weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm now getting a little tingle of excitement about the holidays.  I'm excited that there's only 4 weeks left until Thanksgiving and the Christmas decorations going up.  I'm also a little more sure that my kids will be able to have some presents under the tree. 

I confess that...even though I will now be able to afford to give my kids a little Christmas, I wouldn't give them a big Christmas even if I won the lottery.  After spending the past few weekends cleaning my house, it hit me how spoiled rotten my kids are.  They have too much stuff.  It's all my fault.  I want them to have nice things - but it's now verging on ridiculous the amount of crap they have.  I'm making them all clear out stuff they no longer need or want...and finding kids who can really use that stuff.  If they want any form of Christmas, they are going to do their part in helping others.  Luckily for me, my kids have huge hearts.  They're not only clearing out the stuff they don't need...but also stuff they know will make other kids happy.  They've even got kids in mind of who they want to have the stuff.  So, I may have spoiled them rotten - but I did something right in the process.

Alright folks, that's enough confessing for this girl for one week.


If you enjoyed reading them, and think this is something you need to do...well, then do it!!  Go post it to your blog, and let me know when you did.  I love reading other people's confessions.  


Also know, that if I don't comment right away - it doesn't mean I haven't read it.  Go back and see the confession about my calendars.  I do my best to read all of the blogs in my blogroll... I'm working on getting comments to everyone... but don't hate me if it takes me a while.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!!

Till next time. ;)

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Fill 'Er Up Friday!

This has been a week full of ups and downs....and the week isn't even over yet.

It's time to do this week's edition of Fill 'Er Up Friday...where I pump you full of all the random tidbits of stuff that's been going on with me all week...and wrapping up any loose ends you may be wondering about.

I'll start with Butter.  After a very emotional meeting yesterday afternoon, it was officially decided that Butter will come out of the hospital and go into the elementary I'm working in.  He'll go in to a regular classroom.  After weighing the options, and basically moving around in circles - we all decided that Butter needs a chance.  As my principle said it best "we're gonna roll the dice and see what happens".  She believes he deserves a chance at proving himself - and the principle, assistant principle, and school counselor assured me that they will work with me to provide Butter the best care and support possible to help him succeed.

I am ecstatic - and nervous.  Of course I want Butter with me...but I know that it's going to be a tough transition for him.  I also believe that, from what I've witnessed since getting my job, is that Butter will have the best education, support, teachers, and administration to help him succeed.  I truly believe if he can't thrive there - then he won't thrive anywhere.

I'm getting me some exercise today... by way of playing in a staff kickball game.  I haven't played kickball since I was in middle school...so it should be interesting.  Two teams made up of staff will battle it out - in front of the all the kiddos.  It's going to be a lot of fun, I'm sure.  And I'm counting it towards my exercise minutes...I don't care what anyone says.  Me running around a softball field is exercise!!

There will officially be no camping this weekend.  I'm bummed about it - and so are my kids.  There will be cleaning, and running, and visiting my parents.  

I'm officially sick of the state my house is in.  After all the sorting and getting rid of stuff last weekend - my house still looks like a disaster zone.  If anyone showed up at my house unannounced..I'd curl up and hide under one of the piles of crap that lines the hallway.  Don't let PETA know, but the dust bunnies in my house are going to receive a slow, painful demise.

Yesterday was payday.  While most people get excited about that particular day...I don't share that enthusiasm.  It just reminds me that there are bills to pay...and as fast as I receive the money, it's gone.  It also reminds me how much I love my job...cause I don't know how I'd make it if I didn't. 

I've decided that the fighting and arguing that takes place between Peanut and Jelly is far worse than it ever was between Peanut and Butter.  Holy Mother of Hades those two girls know how to go at it!!  Can someone please remind Peanut that Jelly is only 3...and her sole job is to play with toys and want attention from her 11 year old sister?  While you're at it - please remind Jelly that she is only 3, and making snarky comments and demanding her 11 year old sister to be her slave just isn't appropriate.  That kind of behavior isn't allowed until she's like...16!!

Aunt Flo is in town, and she came bringing along a pounding headache last night.  I hate her.  She's a pain in my rear end.  I'm bloated and cranky.  Is it too much to ask that one time she visits that she brings cookies? Healthy cookies, of course.  How about instead of a pounding headache, it was pound cake?  I wouldn't even mind if she just showed up and sat around for 5 days without saying a word.  That would make me happy.  But no, she's always got to bring some form of pain, and water weight.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful, Aunt Flo - but your gifts SUCK!!

I have to make a quick exit this morning...I've got bills to pay.  UGH!!  

Everyone have a great Friday.  Enjoy yourself!! Do something a little wild and crazy today...it's so good for you!!

Till next time. ;)

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A Little Something for the Ladies

If you decided to read my blog today, based on the title....and you think that I've got a treat for ya - like some Eric Northman eye candy - well, I don't.

Wait.  That's not true.  I can do that....it's the least I can do....being that what I'm going to make you read about today.

So, before I get down to business, here's some eye candy for you.  You're welcome.

What I really have to talk about today is for the ladies.  I mean, if there are any guys reading - you may want to close your browser now.  Run!!  Don't look back.  Come back tomorrow.  If you don't heed the warning - not my fault.

It's probably obvious by now that I'm going to talk about that wonderful time of the month....oh, and throw in a little birth control chatter...including hormones, bloating, and cramping gossip!!  Fun, right?

Let's begin, shall we?

Two months ago, you may remember me sharing the story that my birth control implant fell out.  Maybe you don't.  Maybe you missed it, or intentionally skipped over it.  In case you did, you can read about that pilava right here.

That was back in July....the beginning of July, actually.  A few days later, I went to the doctor and she put me on birth control pills.

Let me say right now, I hate taking pills.  Oh, I've said that before?  Yeah, well it's true.  Taking the pills hasn't been the worst part of the experience, though.

When I had the implant, I lost close to 100lbs.  Was the implant the cause?  Of course not!! My pedal to the metal, kick ass, nobody can stop me attitude was the cause for my tremendous weight loss.  Just four weeks before the implant fell out, I weighed 214lbs.  It wasn't my lowest weight.  If I remember right, I actually managed to get down below 210lbs at one point.  I started gaining weight around the beginning of June - the time the doctor thinks the Mirena became "dislodged".

Once I started taking the pills, my whole feminine world turned upside down.

While the implant was still firmly in place, I didn't really have many Aunt Flo problems... in fact, I hardly even noticed she was there when she did come.  My moods stayed pretty consistent.  There were the occasional binges - but nothing uncontrollable or out of control.

Once I lost the implant and switched to the pill?  Holy Mother of Time of the Month Hell!!

Aunt Flo came back with a vengeance.  With her she brought along cramping, bloating, out of control binges, and mood swings.....yeah, I'll admit it.  I was the Devil Woman during the time of the month.

Now, I weigh 231lbs.  That's a 17lbs difference - in a matter of three months.

Am I going to sit here and blame the weight gain on the fact that I lost my implant blanket and had to switch to hormone filled pills?  Not entirely.  I hadn't even really given it a thought until now.  It does start to raise some questions, though.

So, why am I bringing this all up now?  Well, because today - I'm going to get another implant!!

The one I'm getting today is different to the Mirena.  It's a non hormonal implant that lasts 10 years versus the 5 years that Mirena lasts.  Mirena did contain a small amount of hormones.  Nothing compared to the pills that I'm taking - but still a small amount.

This has set off an excitement in my head.  Will getting the new implant help cure some of the problems I've been having?  Will the cramps, the bloating, the headaches, the bitchiness all go away?  Will the urges to stuff my face until I'm on the verge of exploding fade away too?  Will I have more energy?

I don't know.  Yet.

I've known many women who have experienced significant weight gain while on the pill.  While I don't believe that the pill is the entire cause of the weight gain - the side effects can have some of the blame.  In fact, every time that I was on birth control pills in the past, I blew up.  My weight increased significantly.  Sure, there were other factors at play.... but it is a trend that I've kept up with over the years.

I got the Mirena about 8 weeks after Jelly was born.  That was 3 1/2 years ago.  In that time, I lost more weight than I ever have in my whole life.  Sure, I yo-yo'd a bit.... but for the record, it was the most I was able to lose and keep off for the longest amount of time.  Until those damn pills made an appearance, that is.

A 17lb gain in three months is a lot.  That's almost 6lbs a month.  There have been a few occasions when I've seen the scale go up to 234lbs during Aunt Flo visits, and sometimes the scale has gone down to 228lbs.  Monday morning, when I take my "official" weight, however, I see the same 231lbs that I've seen for the past couple of weeks.  Blah!!

Let's hope that today is a new day.  Will the coming of a new implant come the new surge of willpower and motivation?  Hopefully.  I know I can't put all my eggs into the basket.  The implant isn't going to suck the fat out of me... but it may help...just a little.

Can those blasted pills really be a reason that I've gained so much weight in 3 months?  Well, starting today - we shall see.  It will be my own experiment.  Only time will tell.  I sure as heck hope so!!

I want to know - have any of you gone through a similar situation?  Have you noticed that you gain more weight on birth control pills - or any other type of birth control?  Please share!!

Till next time. ;)

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