So, today's post is an honesty post. Coming clean, I guess you could say. And honestly? I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to say anything. But after what I've seen this morning... I think it's for the better. As much as it pains me to say it, I have to...
The reasons are stupid. I was dressed and ready. And then my mom called to say she was bringing Butter home. So, I decided to wait until she got here before I left. I didn't realize that it would be 1pm before she got here. And, my brother came with her and decided he wanted to stay for a few days.
None of that is any excuse. The real truth is I could have still gone to the gym. The gym was still open. But, after I sat for a while, worked on packing for a while, waited, and then visited with my company - I just didn't feel like going.
And the worst thing is, I had no intention of saying anything about it this morning. Not that I was going to lie. You all know me well enough to know that is most definitely not how I roll. I was just going to keep the information to myself. Talk about something different. Act like I had totally forgotten to mention whether I did or didn't go.
Why? Because I was ashamed. I was ashamed in myself and my actions. I was so determined to go to the gym yesterday, restart my motivation...and I failed. Again.
Because I discovered something this morning that has absolutely nothing to do with my going to the gym whatsoever - but I took it as an omen. A sign. Something that told me I had to do the right thing. I have no idea why, but you've all seen and heard how my mind works...so it will probably make much more sense to you than I expect it to.
I will warn you, what you are about to see is disgusting. It's gross. But I just have to share...
I got up this morning, made some coffee, and then headed to the kids' bathroom to..urm...well, you know.. pee. I don't hardly ever use the kids' bathroom, but I decided to this morning. I'm guessing it's because I was supposed to see this...
Isn't that the most disgusting, terrifying, most disturbing thing you've ever seen? I know it is for me. Discovering something dead - especially a nasty, yucky mouse, in the toilet no less, gives me the biggest case of heeby geebies I've ever had in my life.
I have no idea how it got there. I don't know if it fell in the toilet, came up through the pipe, or decided that my house was just so hot that it couldn't take it anymore and decided to end it all.
Looking at it now, while I'm trying to type, is tying my stomach in knots.
So, what the freak does a dead mouse in the toilet have with me not going to the gym? Again, absolutely nothing. But, you all know that I have the power to connect the dots... make it mean something, right? Oh yes.
You see, my determination and motivation lately has been either sink or swim. And I've been doing a lot of sinking. I say one thing, I do the opposite. My intentions are motivated, my actions are the opposite. I declare that I will lose the weight - or die trying... but what have I done?
As I watch all the pounds that I lost slowly come back to me, my head feels like it's falling under the water. I came so far, worked so hard, and I'm now watching it all float away each time I step on the scale or put on some pants.
The sadness I feel from my failure is pulling me further and further down under the water. I'm coughing and spluttering stuff on here just to keep my head afloat...to keep trying to tell myself that I will make the commitment once again. But, then my lungs start to fill with water...and I give up, before I ever start.
But, deep down, I know that if I don't start moving my legs and arms, making myself move... I will end up like that mouse. Not drowned in a toilet, but drowned in my weight with very little chance of making it out alive.
Peanut and my brother have both told me that they want to go to the gym with me over the next few days. Tomorrow, we are going to get up and go. My brother while he's here, and Peanut until it's time for me to go back to work. They are on my side. They see how much it means to me - but the prodding and poking I need to get it done.
I can't do it alone. I just can't. No matter how much I try to tell myself that I can or want to.
I don't want to end up a lonely old mouse, dead in a toilet.
I want to feel full of life, full of hope, and know that I can overcome the biggest of obstacles.
I will take it one day at a time and see how it goes. But, I've received my omen...my sign.
RIP Little Disgusting Mouse. Know your death wasn't in vain. It showed me how I need to get off my behind and do something about my weight problem, before I drown in it.
Till next time. ;)