I have conscience.
One that speaks to me, gives me advice, puts up the red-flags when things aren't right.
Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.
There are times when I'm pretty sure my conscience is mad at me and stays silent while I try and make tough decisions on my own.
One thing my conscience has been quiet about for a very long time is helping me with my weight loss.
He gave up on that a long time ago.
He used to offer subtle little warnings when I was on the hunt for foods I shouldn't eat.
He would try and remind me what will happen if I continue to ignore him. make open promises to myself, and always go back on my word.
I would get bigger.
My clothes would no longer fit.
I would say goodbye to the short period of time where I was able to shop in normal department stores for clothes, and feel great about how that made me feel.
He warned. Kindly.
I didn't listen.
Yesterday, I took a drive with Peanut and Jelly up to Missouri so that they could see the new town they'd be going to school in. We drove around checking things out, stopping at a little store, dropping off my teaching contract. The second to last stop on the trip was at the school I'll be teaching - where Peanut will be going to school. Right after that, I was supposed to take Jelly to her new school to get her enrolled and have a look around.
When we pulled up to my school, I got out of the car and something didn't feel right. I felt a rush of air on my behind. Coming in, not going out. I reached back behind me, and I heard a chuckle - no, a downright evil laugh - coming from inside my head. Where I should have felt my shorts, I felt skin. Open, exposed to the world skin, right on my butt. My pants had ripped...from just under the waistband, all the way down over my butt, down my leg. My behind was on full display to the world.
I quickly jumped back into the car. I felt the flush of red across my cheeks that indicated exactly how I was feeling. Of course, Peanut and Jelly thought it was hysterical - and just couldn't stop laughing. I laughed, too, but another laugh inside my head jarred me. It was dark, ominous....full of the tone of "I told you so" It wasn't a voice I recognized.
Our trip had to come to a sudden end, so that I could go home and change my pants. While I was driving, I was calling out to the voice that had appeared in my mind. Who are you? Where did you come from? Where's the other voice I usually hear that is a lot sweeter and nicer and never says anything mean to me?
And there it was... the evil, dark voice... "You know, you should let your conscience be your guide".
Apparently, I have been watching WAY too much Once Upon A Time. My conscience is now Jiminy Freaking Cricket?
Yes, that's the part that made me stop and think. Nothing about hearing voices in my head is unusual to me whatsoever. *Sigh*
And then the voice spoke again. "Oh no, you're way past the need of cartoon crickets. You won't listen. You'll just ignore it - just like you did with the other one. The other one is gone... and I am here. From now on, my dear, I will be you conscience - and we'll keep the name you picked...except I spell my name Gym-iny."
That's it. I've done completely lost my freaking mind. Gone are Disney tunes and Broadway music playing in my head. Now I've got a psycho conscience that sounds like he means business.
I have two choices. A) Call Therapy Dude. STAT. or B) Listen to what the guy has to say...while keeping Therapy Dude's number close at hand.
And there he was again "How did it make you feel having the pants rip off you? Is this what you want? Clothes that go beyond tight to literally ripping from the pressure? You are going to have to do something about this. NOW! You are going to go to the gym. You are going to work out. You are going to lose the weight. There will be no whimsical thoughts or desires. It will be hard work, but with a huge pay-off. You're running out of time. It's now or never."
And then he was gone.
I thought about it all the way home. I thought about it while driving back out to go do a little shopping. I thought about it while I was walking around stores like Old Navy, Gordman's... the stores I used to enjoy shopping in. I thought about it while we were eating dinner, while I was eating my salad.
Then I got a text. From my gym. Offering all members the chance to take a guest every single day in July - for free.
Good timing or very weird timing? I'll let you decide that one.
I looked straight at Peanut and said "Wanna go to the gym with me next month?" And she said she'd love to. Peanut has been very mindful with her eating since school got out. She's not over-doing it. She's not thin-crazy. She's just being mindful...a trick I taught her that she now uses. She's also mentioned how much she wants to be able to work out with me. And here was our chance.
I'm not waiting until July - even though it's only three days away. I start going to the gym tomorrow. It would be today, but I have some stuff I need to deal with at home. But tomorrow, Friday, I will be taking the short drive to the gym. I will be signing up for a personal trainer. I will be hitting the 30 minute circuit training and the elliptical. It will be day 1. The start. Finally. Again.
I kinda like the idea of having a cricket in my ear that looks and sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's tough. He won't listen to excuses. He'll keep me on track.
And for anyone that is now very concerned for my sanity - fear not. There is a very solid line between crazy and imagination. Besides, if it means hearing cartoon voices in my head to get me to go to the gym - is it really that crazy? I think not.
So, I say BRING IT ON, GYMINY. I'm ready for ya!