Embracing the Triggers...Even the Ones You Don't Like Talking About

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling much better this morning.  It was a rough day yesterday.  I had trouble keeping my eyes open for most of the day.  When I got home, I passed out on the couch for about 30 minutes before dinner.  After dinner, I started to feel a little better - more awake.  I ended up staying up until almost 10 - after watching Biggest Loser and reading another chapter in the book I'm reading.  Before I went to sleep, I decided to give myself a breathing treatment - and that really helped let me drift off to sleep quickly...and I stayed that way all night. 

Being sick - even if it is allergies - just takes every bit of strength out of my system.  Both physically and mentally.  I'm so hard on myself.  I haven't been to the gym this week.  I told myself that I wasn't going to allow any excuses - but I'm pretty sure that not being able to breath is a good excuse.  I hope?  I was literally wheezing and catching my breath just walking down the hallway at work yesterday. 

I have seasonal asthma, and it usually only really bothers me for a week or two each year.  It comes at the time that all the blossoms come out on the trees, and after we have all of the April showers.  Well, being that it rained the ENTIRE week last week - I'm in pollen grand central station right now.  I'm hoping it's just the shock to my system that's causing the asthma symptoms to happen so quickly and heavily and once my body adjusts a little - I'll be able to get back to my sneezy, watery eyed, but able to breath normally self. 

If dealing with my allergies and not being able to go to the gym wasn't enough - Aunt Flo also decided to show up yesterday.  You all know how much I love her, right?  Yep.  The evil witch is here, in full force.  When she comes she brings cravings, mood swings, and laziness - her closest friends - along for the visit.  If my allergies weren't making me lazy enough, Aunt Flo will be sure that she has a hand in completely keeping my behind on the couch for the five to seven days she's here. 

Laziness I can tolerate the most.  As long as I'm able to keep cravings and mood swings at bay.  And, well, come on... my track record shows how well that goes down.  It never fails that I start the excuse train each time AF is here - and I start cramming down the sweets, the salty, and then snapping anyone's head off that says a thing about it. 

Yesterday, she won.  I ate two cupcakes.  Not just one.  Two.  That were brought in for a child's birthday.  I could have stopped at one.  Heck, I could have gracefully declined all together - but no, I caved.  Needless to say, I went over my calorie intake by 345 calories yesterday giving me a grand total of 1815 calories consumed.

During my self loathing and self pity party that I threw myself last night, all I could think about was why I always let AF win - and how much I hated it when she's here.  Then, I remembered reading something in the Savor book about embracing the triggers.  My plan for helping overcome cravings was putting myself through a strict detox.  I was successful for the week I did the detox.  I told myself that I'd keep doing it - but a week off for spring break put the dampers on that.  Then, I told myself I'd pick up where I left off once going back to work.  Only two days in, and I'm talking about eating cupcakes - two days in a row.

I'm not going to quote the book word for word, but I remember reading that when I fight my triggers that set me in to an emotional eating frenzy - I end up losing.  The losing, or failure comes from the fact that I tell myself that it's the triggers that are making me eat.  It's the triggers that are causing my moments of weakness.  It's a cycle of excuses that I let my body go through.  The weakness is in the failure - or allowing myself to blame the triggers.  The only way to cope with the triggers is by embracing them.  Understanding that they'll always be there.  Learning to find ways to live with them without self destructing each time they appear.  If I continue to let AF be the excuse that I mindlessly eat when she's here - she'll always win.  Embracing her when she's here, and feeding my body healthy foods - that keep me energized and full - can alleviate some of the weakness I feel.

My mind was on a mission when I started the detox.  The mission was to eat mostly fruits and vegetables.  The mission was to keep sugar and white flour out of my system.  My mission was to test my palette with foods I wasn't accustomed to.  And the main mission?  To help overcome the cravings and overeating that happens whenever I get the slightest sniff of unhealthy food.

Yesterday, I really got to see how bad sugar affects me.  Instead of opting for my bowl of Kashi cereal for breakfast - I ate a granola bar.  Granola bars have sugar in them.  Real sugar.  A lot of it, too.  For the entire day after that, I was hungry.  Then I ate a Smart Ones lunch.  Low calories - but pasta as the main ingredient.  Can we say craving coma?  Not only had I eaten sugar, but then I followed it up with pasta.   No wonder by the time the birthday cupcake celebration came around - I was unable to control my urge to eat not one, but two cupcakes.  It wasn't Aunt Flo that did that to me - it was the sugar! 

So, I know I'm rambling on with all this and moving in about a thousand different directions.  What's the point of all this excuse banter?  Well, I have to embrace the fact that it's not AF that causes my time of the month self destruction.  It's the fact that I've got so used to having an "out" each time she's here.  I've created the excuse in my head.  I've personified the normal cycle a woman goes through each month.  I've given it this strange super power - as if it were a real person inside my head that arrives with a full suitcase and wants nothing more than to wreck havoc on my week.  Did you read the first part of this blog?  I call it Aunt Flo, for heaven's sake.  I referred to it as if it were a real person.. I did that!  And I really do have an Aunt Flo - and I'm sure she'd cringe after reading something as silly as this.

Each month, I have a period.  Period.  Yes, it messes with my hormones.  Yes, it causes bloating.  Yes, it's more than likely I'll retain water for a few days.  But that's it.  There's no little person inside of me demanding that I feed her cake and ice-cream and chips.  There's no evil Aunt that demands I do nothing more than sit on the couch.  I may feel moody - that will be the hormones.  I may get grouchy - that'll be the bloating causing my clothes to fit tighter.  But the urge to eat everything in sight?  That's all me.  That's me saying - "Hey! You have the perfect excuse to mindlessly eat yourself in to a sugar coma.  You can pretend that your period is making you do it!  Just make it sound like your period is an evil entity living inside of your head with some kind of crazy psycho mind control abilities, and no one will notice how crazy stupid it sounds."  It sounds stupid now, right?  But in reality, that's exactly what I've done for the past gazillion years since my period first started.

Today, the AF excuse will be embraced.  I'm going to embrace and accept the trigger.  It's going to arrive each month for probably the next twenty years.... I've just got to get used to it at some point.  I'm back on my detox - again.  There will be no more sugar or flour or pasta or bread entering my body for a while.  Probably a long while.  A week wasn't near long enough.  I want to get in to a size 16 by May 17th.  This eating plan can only help that goal.  This eating plan will help me stay energized so that (when I'm able to breath normally again) I can get back in to the gym and burn off tons of calories and help tone and shape my changing body. 

As my good friend, Jenn likes to say:  It's Day #1 Again!

Till next time. ;)

Time to Reboot, Restart, and Power Back Up!

Dear Diary...

I almost forgot what it felt like to wake up at 4am.  Almost.  Call me crazy, (to yourselves please) but there's nothing like this time of the morning to sit in front of my computer to write my blog.  I kinda missed it in a way.  Kinda.

Spring break is officially over.  It's time to get back to the grind.  Time to reboot my system.  No more sleeping in and spending the day reading until maybe this weekend.  I have to restart.  No more accidentally skipping meals, forgetting to eat, or grabbing a bite to eat at a restaurant.  And I have to power back up.  Time to rejoin the world of planned eating, logging, and going to the gym.  It was a nice short break - but vacation time is over.  And in a way, I'm extremely happy about it.

I feel like I'm starting all over...again.  My body isn't going to be used to going back to the gym today.  I regret the fact that I sat on my lazy behind most of the week.  I really wish the weather had been nicer, because when I was out in the sun yesterday - my body was craving it.  I felt like a battery that was being recharged.  All the rain we got made me very lazy - but having that small amount of sun fueled my system - and I literally had more energy than I'd had all week long.

I could have or should have gone to the gym at least once or twice over the break, but I didn't.  It's too late to do anything about it now.  I just chalk it up to my body desperately needing a break - not that it'd been receiving any amount of grueling exercise before the break... but now the break is over?  I feel like I can go back to some form of normality.

There's exactly seven weeks and four days until the last day of school - for the year.  This year will be the earliest that I think school has let out in...well...as long as I can remember.  The lack of any amount of snow this year means no snow days to make up at the end of the year.  Unless some freak storm happens in the next couple of weeks - we're out of school on May 17th.

Seven weeks sounds like a long time - but it's not.  What I want to accomplish in those seven weeks will be hard - almost impossible.  I've decided that I want to lose 20lbs in seven weeks.  I want to be back down around the 220lbs mark.  That's the weight I was when I could first fit in to a size 16.  I want that back again.  All of my cute summer clothes are size 16 - and I don't want to have to buy any more clothes.  Unless they are smaller than a size 16.

If I have any chance in doing that, I'm going to have be diligent.  Longer, harder work-outs....more often.  Stricter eating.  Like sticking to my "clean" eating plan for the next seven weeks.  No room for error or setbacks.  Trying to lose 20lbs in 7 weeks put me at losing about 2.8lbs a week.  That is very doable - but also extremely tough.  My body might cooperate at first.. but the longer I go, the harder it'll be.  Which means staying strong, upping the level of intensity each week.

The last time I stood on the scale was March 7th.  Wait, scratch that.  The last time I stood on the scale for an "official" weigh in was March 7th.  I weighed 244.6lbs.  I'll admit that I've stood on it a couple of times since then.  I had originally planned on staying off of it for a month... but I think I may have changed my mind on that...again.  I still don't feel like I'm ready to face the scale - and I just don't think I'll be ready on April 4th (the day I planned on doing my next weigh in).  I'm going to wait longer before doing another official weigh in.  I don't know how much longer, yet.  I may not weigh in again until the last day of school - my goal date.  I may opt for a midway point - like April 18th.  That would give me another couple of weeks to really get my head in the game (again). 

So, if I have such a big goal to reach - I better have an array of mini goals to help me get there, right?  Right!  For the next seven weeks, if I have any chance of reaching my goal, I'm going to have to do the following:

• Four 30 minute visits to the gym each week:  Two cardio/ Two strength
• Strict intake of 1400 calories per day plus exercise calories
• No white flour or refined sugar
• Getting the majority of my calories from veg, fruit, and lean protein - strict limit on the amount of complex carbs
• One jog each Saturday - starting with 2 miles and increasing each week
• One long walk each Sunday - starting with 4 miles and increasing each week
• Drinking at least 70ozs of water each day
• NO EXCUSES!

The last goal will be the most important.  It's a strict plan, and it will take implementing that last goal at every waking second.  There are going to be days where I just feel like I can't do it - or don't want to.  I have to keep reminding myself of what I want to accomplish.

I've designated Friday as my rest day.  There may be weeks where I have something come up during the week that prevents me from working out one day after school.  My Friday will then become my alternate work-out day.  It's tough to work out on Fridays - so I just have to make sure that if I miss a work-out day during the week... I better have a damn good reason.

If I get up early on Saturday mornings and get my jog over and done with - I still have the entire day to do whatever it is my busy family has scheduled.  Same with my long walks on Sunday.  I can go while the kids are at church.  I can get it out of the way in the morning - and leave the rest of the day to rest and relax.

The next seven weeks are going to go by fast - I know it.  There's just not going to be any room for minor slips or setbacks.  I'm going to have to produce the most amount of strength and determination I've had in a very long time.

In the midst of those seven weeks, I'm going to be looking for a new job.  Can you say STRESS!??? But, I can't let that get in the way.  I can use my exercise as an advantage...use it as my release.  When I'm stressed out, I can hit the gym or the road and pound out my frustrations and anxiety.

Yes, it's a very big goal.  I know that.  If I get to the end of the seven weeks and know that I've done everything I said I would - and fall a little shy from my goal...I'll be OK with it.  If, however, those seven weeks go by and I don't give it my all?  Well, then I'll only have myself to blame - and blame I will!  This goal is mine for the taking.  It's time to start taking!

Till next time. ;)

Old Habits Die Hard

Dear Diary...

Had another very successful day with my detox again yesterday.  That makes 3 days in a row I've eaten no white flour, white sugar, pasta, rice, bread, or fried anything.  And it feels pretty darn good. 

I have to tell ya that I'm feeling really good.  I haven't had any cravings since Sunday.  No wanting any sweets or chips or fried foods or anything bad for me.  I haven't even had a craving for bread - which is very weird for me.  Bread is always my fall back craving.  And I haven't wanted to touch a slice. 

I was actually worried about going to the gym to work out last night.  Not because I didn't want to.  Not because I was tired.  Because all I kept thinking about was eating back any exercise calories I burned off.  Being that this detox is keeping me under my calorie intake all by its self, I knew that I would have to eat back my exercise calories.  If I'm only eating around 1300 calories a day, and work off 300 in the gym - my body is only getting 1000 calories to energize its self.  I know that anything less than 1200 is dangerous.  I've seen enough nutritionists, doctors, and trainers to know that my body must have at least 1200 calories to fuel me.. and keep burning calories.  If I go less than that, I risk going in to starvation mode and my body will start retaining water and storing fat.  The complete opposite of what I want it to do.  I'm sure it would be fine for a day or two to... but I don't want to take any chances.

So, back to going to the gym.  I decided to go, and get on the elliptical for 20 minutes.  I knew that would give me a pretty decent cardio work-out, but only burn about 200 calories.  I know it sounds crazy, but I just didn't..no wait.. knew I couldn't eat back more than that. 

No joke, this detox has really helped keep me satisfied all day long.  I feel full after I eat.  I don't have the urge to eat a lot.  All I had for lunch, yesterday, was a bowl of steamed veggies, a Greek yogurt, and a pear.  And I was stuffed!  That full feeling lasted me to my snack time.  I ate baby carrots and hummus for my snack.  While I enjoyed every last bite of it - I was full, again, after eating that.  The thought of having to eat an additional 200 calories was a little scary.  I knew my dinner was going to keep me under my calorie range.  So, I opted to treat myself to a snack last night while watching Biggest Loser - a 1/4 cup of almonds.  High calorie, still good for me, and helped burn up those extra exercise calories. 

My goal was set to 1687 calories - after my workout.  I ate 1470.  I was still under my goal - by a little over 200 - but it kept me in a healthy range.  Nothing to worry about.  And while I was still over with my protein - it was only by 8... which is about the lowest its been all week.

When I woke up this morning, it was a little later than I'm used to.  5am, actually.  I'm used to getting up at 4.  I did go to bed early last night - and apparently my body needed the rest.  I slept like a baby and feel completely recharged today.  Of course, getting up, I knew it was Wednesday.  I was a little flustered by getting up late - so what did I do?  What I always do on a Wednesday morning - stepped on the scale.

It wasn't until after that I realized I'm not supposed to be weighing in this week.  I'm not supposed to be weighing in until April 4th.  It just goes to show how old habits die hard.  I'm not going to share the number with you.  Sorry, but I want to hold off until I'm supposed to weigh in.

What I can tell you is the detox is working.  Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea for me to step on the scale.  The number I saw surprised me a little.  No, make that a lot.  And it made me feel really good to see it.  It gave me reinforcement that I need to keep going.  What I'm doing is working.  It really gave me an additional boost of motivation - so it wasn't so bad to do it, I guess.  Although I've put the scale away now - like I said I would.  That will stop me from just idly standing on it without thinking about what I'm doing. 

I'm kinda thinking that I'm going to continue with the detox for longer than the 6 days.  And I need to stop calling it a detox.  Yes, that's what I'm using it for - to rid my body of the cravings - but it's also filling me with nutrition, health, and a better outlook about my eating habits. 

I still have a lot to learn about myself.  I want to see how long I can keep going by eating this way.  Maybe it's a couple of weeks, maybe it's a month.  I want to eventually start adding some stuff back in to my diet that I'm restricting myself from right now... but I'm not ready for that.  Plus, I need to learn a happy balance between eating healthy, being able to work out, and finding ways that I can make use of my exercise calories. 

I've decided, though, that this week's priority is just the eating.  If I'm getting in 20 minutes of cardio and a little strength training - fine - but that's going to be about it.  Let me get through this first stage - learning how to eat - and I'll move on to learning how to eat and exercise at the same time and not freak out about having to eat more. 

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

I confess that day 2 of my fruit and veggie detox went very well.  I'll admit that it was tougher being at work, because there is a lot more temptation looking me in the face - but I made it through A-OK.

I confess that my total caloric intake yesterday was 1379 - 91 calories under my limit!  I was still way over with protein, but everything else was below limit.  It's weird.  I stop eating so much meat, and end up finding other ways to pack on the protein.

I confess that I didn't go to the gym yesterday afternoon, and I have absolutely no excuse for it.

I confess that I'm excited that for this week only (starting today), I get to leave work about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do - which gives me an extra 15 minutes at the gym.  And despite not going yesterday, the thought of having those extra 15 minutes each day is exciting.

I confess that I just remembered I volunteered to help out after school tomorrow for a school function.  Which means there won't be any gym tomorrow.  Dang it!  Now I'm really ticked about not going yesterday.  Oh well, I get an extra 15 minutes today and Thursday at the gym.  That still gives me the equivalent of working out the normal time of three days.

I confess that I'm a little nervous about having to eat back my exercise calories.  And I may not, even though I'm supposed to.  That's simply because yesterday, I ate enough food to keep me full all day - and the thought of eating more than that is a little mind boggling.   Although, I'm an advocate for eating back my exercise calories - so maybe I'll treat myself to a yogurt for dessert after dinner, or maybe I'll eat a handful of almonds.  We'll see.

I confess that after only two days of eating clean, I already feel a lot more energetic.  Sunday night, I went to sleep pretty late - after 11pm actually.  I got up yesterday at 4:15am.  I was pretty tired for a while yesterday, but by the end of the day I felt much better.  I wasn't able to go to sleep last night until after 10pm, and I was up at 4:30 this morning.  I'm hoping my exercise will wear me out this evening - so I can go to bed earlier and get a decent night's worth of sleep.

I confess that while the rest of my family ate homemade burritos for dinner last night, I ate a heaping pile of veggies with a couple of spoonfuls of the burrito meat.  The plate didn't look very appetizing, but it tasted amazing.  I even snapped a pic...

That's a concoction of salad greens, salsa, burrito meat, natural guacamole, fat-free sour cream, onions, and peppers.  It looks terrible - but tasted fantastic.  Plus it was only 399 calories.  Which is probably a little over half of the calories of what everyone else in my house ate - except a lot more food.

I confess that my body is starting to feel different, already.  It made just be some mind play, but my body feels lighter.  Not once yesterday did I feel bloated or lethargic.  I felt lighter, more aware, and.. well... healthier.  I noticed a bounce in my step - even at the end of the day when I'm usually exhausted and ready to get home and get on the couch.   I'm enjoying the foods I'm eating.  My body is enjoying the foods being put in to it.  And, still considering I'm only 2 days in, I feel that I will get through this week being successful and eating clean.

Till next time. ;)

Day 1 Detox Results - And Other Stuff

Dear Diary...

Well, I made it through my first day of detox and I feel pretty good.  Of course, it's only been one day.  Still a way to go - but at least the first day was completed with good progress...although it wasn't perfect.  I know what you're thinking, I couldn't even make it through on day of detox without cheating?  While that's true - take a look at how I cheated before making rash assumptions, m'kay?

For breakfast yesterday, I had 3/4 cup of Kashi Go Lean Toasted Berry Crumble cereal and 1 cup of whole milk.  I LOVE the Kashi cereal.  It tastes yummy, and I know what every ingredient is in it.  There's no artificial or processed stuff or sugar...so it works for me. 

In between breakfast and lunch I had 8ozs of Acai Pomegranate 100% juice.  Non sweetened.  It was my first time trying this brand.  It had a great mixture of tartness and sweetness that made it very refreshing.

Lunch was where I cheated.  If you want to call it that.  I had two poached eggs and two slices of Sara Lee Multi-Grain 45 calorie bread.  I cheated because I'd sworn off bread for the entire week.  I wouldn't have eaten it, though, if it wasn't multi-grain.  I wasn't supposed to eat it - but there were MUCH worse things I could have eaten.  I bought a new microwavable egg poacher on Saturday, and I wanted to try it out.  It works really well, but that will be the last time I eat bread for the rest of the week.

I cheated again at dinner.  I know, not a great start for my very first day at a strict detox plan, but again in terms of "cheating" it was hardly pizza.  Hubby has recruited Peanut to start learning how to cook.  A couple times a month, she is going to get to pick any recipe she likes to make with Hubby's guidance.  Well, for her first time cooking she went straight to my Better Homes Healthy Choice cook book.  Gotta love her for that!  She picked out Fajita Salad bowls.  I had to go to Wal-Mart and pick up some more detox food, so I did that while she stayed home with Hubby to cook.

When I got home, I was greeted by this...

She made every part of it, and Hubby just chopped up the veggies.  She baked whole wheat tortillas to make the bowls, and then filled the bowls with fajita meat, peppers, salad greens, tomato, onion, fat-free sour cream, natural guacamole, and shredded cheese.  One bowl only has around 280 calories!!  I ate two for dinner, and ate less than 600 calories.  Again, as cheating goes - I ate the whole wheat tortillas.  But, I wasn't missing out on my daughter's first homemade meal - especially when she went to the trouble of finding something healthy to prepare.

The tortilla bowls were absolutely delicious!  They had the same feel as the fried bowls you can find on other taco salads - minus the greasy, dipped in fat taste.  All of the ingredients were fresh.  It was my first time eating natural guacamole.  I have a feeling it's going to be one of my new favorite foods!  I've only ever eaten the commercial dip kind that's full of all kinds of unknown ingredients, the natural kind was so much better.    The fajita meat was lean cut sirloin.  So, all in all, my daughter did a FANTASTIC job with her first cooking project.

Want to hear how many calories I consumed for my first day?  Drum roll, please..... My total caloric intake for yesterday was a whopping 1258.  That's 212 calories under my limit!  I did go over by 1 on my fat intake and 18 on my protein intake.  It's weird to see me go over my protein intake - it's almost always carbs that I go over with.

All in all, I consider the day a fantastic success.

When I went out to buy additional detox food, I didn't get a single urge to buy anything that wasn't on my detox food list.  And I was starting to get hungry when I went, too.  I had already bought tons of salad stuff the day before, but I needed more steamed veggies and snack foods.  I picked up about a gazillion bags of different forms of steamable veggies.  I picked up pears, apples, and baby carrots.  I also got some natural hummus to eat with the carrots.  And I got a bag of dry roasted, unsalted almonds.  Those will serve as a snack, maybe, sometime during the week.  I don't want to eat too many nuts while on my detox - but I figure unsalted almonds is the way to go if I do decide to eat some.

I must say that it was kinda exciting to think about how I'll be eating this week.  For some reason, the clean, almost vegetarian eating plan I have for myself gives me a lot of hope.  I don't feel scared.  I don't feel like I'll be depriving myself of anything.  Actually, I believe my body is going to love the shock to the system of nothing but this way of eating for a week. 

Of course, being at work will be the true test.  There's no doubt that this is going to be one crazy, hectic week being that it's the week before spring break.  I'm going to need all my strength to avoid any sweet treats or comfort foods that may get in my line of vision over the next 5 days.  I'm strong, though, and I'm determined to make it through.

Till next time. ;)

To Rid My Addiction, I'm Gonna Have to Face a Detox

Dear Diary...

I've had something on my mind these past couple of days.  Something I've been considering.  Thinking about.  Researching a little.  Actually a lot. 

This past week has been absolutely TERRIBLE in terms of eating and exercising.  I've worked out in the gym once since last Sunday.  I've also eaten out at restaurants or grabbed fast food three days since last Sunday - and ate leftover pizza for dinner yesterday which technically makes it four days. 

This crazy week has messed with my head.  Big time.  I've been very busy, and in times when I'm so busy I just don't think about what I could eat that would be healthier for me - I just eat what I can when I can...and that almost always ends up being some form of fast food.  Even when I told myself that I'd eat from the salad bar while my kids ate pizza at Chuck E. Cheese, once the pizza was in front of me - I just couldn't help myself. 

It's no surprise, and I'm not admitting this for the first time, but I'm a food addict.  I am addicted to food.  A person that is a drug addict can say that they're going to give up drugs - but in order for them to actually rid themselves from the drugs - they have to go through detox.  That got me thinking.  In order for me to get over my food addiction, I too have to go through a detox.  I have to shed my body of the remnants of the junk in my system, put nothing but clean stuff in to it, and retrain my system to only crave and desire the good stuff much more than it craves the nasty junk.

I've openly admitted that I'm no fan of fad diets or strict diet regimens.  My junk loving brain has programmed me to shy away from any type of "plan" that promises to rid my body of the desire to crave junk foods.  But, when I think about those drug addicts again, I'm pretty sure all of them are dealing with a brain that has been programmed to reject any form of help for ridding their bodies the desire to get rid of the drugs.  When they do decide to try to give up the drugs, their body goes through a nasty detox process.  They suffer from shakes and fever and nausea and vomiting.  It's not a fun process, but if they are able to stick to it - they can finally start to break free from the hold that drugs have on them. 

Thankfully, for me, food detox doesn't involve any of the nasty side affects that drug detox has.  I am able to reprogram my body and mind by spending a few days ridding my body of the waste and replacing it with the good.  And, in the process, training my brain that the good stuff is much more beneficial than that bad stuff ever was.

So, I'm guessing you've figured out where I'm going with this, right?  Yes, I'm going to try a detox plan.  Nothing crazy.  No drinking strange, awful tasting concoctions.  No starving myself.  Not gonna spend days having fluids only.  Not going to take pills.  I'm going to detox myself by eating mostly fruits, veggies, and unprocessed foods for six days - starting today and ending Friday.

I went grocery shopping yesterday to prepare.  I still have a few things left to buy - but it was a start.  Basically, for the next six days I'm not going to eat any pasta, bread, sugar, white flour, or fat (other than healthy fat).  I will also be limiting my dairy intake to only involve a cup of milk a day, yogurt, and fat-free cheese.  I will be eating no more than 1 serving of meat per day, and it will be lean meat only.

The only foods that I will consume for the next six days are Kashi Natural cereal, Whole grain oats, fresh veggies, steamed veggies, fruit, 100% unsweetened fruit juice, eggs, 1 serving of lean meat per day, olive oil, unprocessed guacamole, Greek yogurt, whole milk, a very small amount of fat-free cheese, and flax seed. That's it.  All of the foods provide the carbohydrates, proteins, and fats my body needs - without any processed sugars, flour, or "bad" fat.  I won't be depriving myself of anything.  I'll be getting the calories needed to reach my caloric intake each day.  And that is key with these types of "detox" plans. 

You will notice I put whole milk on that list.  According to Dr. Oz, there is very little evidence to support that whole milk is worse for you than skim milk.  Skim milk has less fat, but it also has more natural sugar due to the processes it undergoes to remove the fat.  As long as I only drink 1 glass of whole milk a day, I'm just fine.

My hope and goal with this plan is that my body will start to reboot.  It will begin to adjust to the benefits that eating clean can do for it.  And, if after 6 days I don't believe I've reached that goal - meaning if the first thing I start thinking about is eating a cheeseburger - then I haven't gone long enough, and the detox will continue. 

The research I've done all says that this type of detox plan is NOT harmful to the body - or harmful if used on a long term basis.  Basically, I could live the rest of my life eating this way - and I'd be just fine.  That's not my goal, however.  As strange as it may sound, I don't want to spend the rest of my life eating mostly fruits and veggies all day long.  My only goal in all of this is that I can start being more mindful about my food choices, and get over some of the junk food cravings.  I want my brain to learn to love the taste of fruits and veggies - and not like the taste of bread, pasta, and sweets so much.  I still want to be able to eat those things, however, just in much more moderation. 

Hubby made a meal plan out for this week, so this week I won't be tempted near as much by fast food or eating at restaurants.  I'm feeling very confident that I can make it through this week - excited in fact.  It's going to be a challenge, I'm sure, but it will make the whole process a lot more meaningful in the end.

I will openly admit that I weighed in this morning - just to get an idea how much damage I've done this week.  This is not an official weigh-in (thank goodness).  The scale said 246lbs.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.  Can you believe that?  The sad part is, I can.  I totally deserve those added pounds this week.  And even though I'm going to stick with not "officially" weighing in until April 4th - I will be checking my weight this time next week, just to see how much of an affect my clean eating has on me.  It may just be the motivation I need to keep the plan going for another week.  We'll see.

Till next time. ;)

Good Bye Weigh In Wednesday!!

Dear Diary...

That's it.  I've made the decision.  I'm saying goodbye to the scale - for a month!  For the next four weeks, I'm ditching the weekly weigh-ins and letting my body have more time to adjust and lose some weight.  I won't weigh again until April 4th - which is 4 weeks from today.

So, what caused this sudden decision to be made?  The fact that I'm sick and tired of standing on the scale each week and seeing such a drastic gain...when I know it's inaccurate.  Last week, I weighed in at 241.6lbs.  That was after a loss of 2.8lbs from the week before.  This week?  I stand on the scale and see 244.6lbs.  A gain of 3lbs that is so absurd I can't even think straight.

Yes, I've made some poor food choices this week.  But I've also been logging everything I've eaten - and I know that I haven't eaten 10,500 calories OVER what my body is naturally burning and what I'm burning during my work-outs.  In fact, the past week, I've eaten a total of 13,569 calories - which averages around 1900 calories a day.  And that's not even considering any working out I did - like the almost 600 calories I burned on Sunday with my walk.  Yes, it's over my recommended intake - but not 3lbs worth. It's ridiculous.  But, of course, when I see that gain I immediately start freaking out and getting all upset.  You know what that leads to, right?  Ah ha.  More freakin' eating!

Not today, my friends!!  Yeah, I was pissed when I saw the number on the scale this morning - but I wasn't pissed at the number.  I was pissed at how inaccurate it was and how I was forcing stress upon myself by doing something like that.  I momentarily thought about replacing the scale with measurements.  I know that going by measurements is more accurate than using the scale.  But then I thought, well, what if I don't see a change in the measurements each week?  Won't that make me flip out just as much as I do when I see that stinkin' number on the scale each week?  Probably.  So, I'm not doing that either.

For the next four weeks, I'm going to be using nothing but counting calories, working out, and devoting myself to recognizing triggers and stress factors that cause me to eat - mindlessly.  That's the name of the game right now - mindless eating.  It's what my book is all about.  And until I can start controlling my urges, finding healthier ways to cope with stress, and identifying my triggers - I can't rely on the scale to provide the support I need to get me through.

I told you that this book is going to be mentioned - a lot - while I'm reading it.  I just love the fact of how it poses weight loss as a practice... like yoga, for example.  It's a guide to making my weight loss efforts a way of life.  Cleansing my body not only of the harmful toxins I pump in from junk food, but also the toxins I pump in to it with stress, anxiety, fear, and frustration.  It combines spiritual energy with physical energy.  And while I don't mean to come off sounding all Zen like - that's really how I have to look at it.  I have to be at peace with myself before I can ever get to the point where I'm at peace with losing weight - and doing the work to get there.

There's no doubt in my mind that the next four weeks will be tough.  I'm addicted to that damn scale just as much as I am the junk food.  It's become a nasty habit that will take some time for me to get over.  The scale just can't sit without being touched - it has to be put away...somewhere where I won't be constantly reminded or urged to stand on it.  But each time I get the urge, I just have to remind myself that I want to be surprised at the end of the four weeks.  I want to see more accurate results. I need to give my body more time to adjust.  I just have to remind myself that the waiting is worth it - and good things come to those that wait, right?

I will be continuing to put money in my Reward Jar each week that I work out at least 3 times and log my food each day. I earned another $5 this week for logging every single day.  On Wednesdays, I'll update how I did with my working out and logging - and then reward myself based on that.  It will be a very nice change to see some money going in to the jar and staying in the jar - without having to worry if I'm going to lose it based on my weight.

I'm going back to the gym today.  The first time in almost a week.  I want to do my circuit training.  I've had a lot of on my plate (no pun intended) the past couple of days that have prevented me from working out - but today I can make up for a little of that by really pushing myself this afternoon.  I have to remember that if I can't work out every single day - I better damn well make the most of it when I can.

Tomorrow, I'll be doing my Biggest Loser recap - and it will be full of some surprising information.  Some stuff happened last night that has made me reconsider some of my opinions.  Do I still think this season is terrible?  Yes.  But some things are starting to change.

Till next time. ;)

Identifying the Root Causes of My Weight Problem

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling a little better this morning.  No, a lot better.  After yesterday's Nobody Likes Me Whaaa Pity Party, I had to get out of the house.  I had to get away from everything.  I hadn't felt so gloomy in such a long time - and I didn't like the way it made me feel, or react for that matter.  So, Hubby and I got the kids dressed and we went out for a while. 

I probably don't have to tell you what I did when I went out.  When I feel as crappy as I did yesterday - and its purely emotionally driven - there's one thing I seek.  Food.  Yes, I let my emotions drive me.  Yes, it's a terrible, terrible excuse.  But, for the first time in a long time I needed that food.  Not to ease my suffering, not to calm my nerves - I needed it to make me realize and smack myself in the face that this is a behavior pattern I. MUST. BREAK!  As soon as I was done eating, I felt sick.  Physically sick.  I didn't feel better, I felt ten times worse.  It wasn't guilt.  It wasn't the food cooked improperly.  It was my inner me screaming "THIS WILL NEVER MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, ONLY WORSE!"  So, I picked up the book I bought to help me out - and I started reading.

I got half way through the first chapter.  To the portion of the chapter that discusses finding the root of my weight problem.  I will say right now, that I'm not going to tell you everything about the book.  I'm pretty sure that's some kind of copy right violation.  What I will say, however, is that this portion of the book - finding my root cause - asks me to answer a TON of questions.  It tells me to write the questions down in a journal and answer them - honestly.  Well, this is my journal, so this is where I'm going to answer those questions... honestly.  Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules by copying the questions here.  If you plan on reading them, and my responses - I apologize in advance...this is going to be one LONG post.

Do you have parents with weight problems?
Yes.  My mom has struggled with her weight just as long as I have.  She was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago.  She managed to lose enough weight to control her diabetes with food and exercise.  Then, she gained some of the weight back and is still struggling.  My dad had always suffered from major heartburn issues, that ended up causing him to have a surgery to help.  That surgery prevents him from eating certain foods, he has to eat much slower.  He's managed to lose some weight because of it - a lot, actually - but it was his eating habits that earned him the surgery in the first place.

Do you drink too much sugary soda?
No.  I hardly ever drink soda.  I may have a Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Cherry Pepsi once every few days, or once a week, but that's about it.

Do you get less than 30 minutes of exercise or physical activity each day?
I work in an environment that has me up on my feet and walking around the building most of the day - but unless I go to the gym or go out for a jog, I don't really get my 30 minutes each day.  I'm working on it - but I still have more days a week that has less activity than those days I make myself exercise.

Do you watch more than 1 hour of TV a day?
Yes.  During the week, 6pm till bedtime (around 9) is TV time.  On the weekends, it's about the same - but then I'm sitting in front of the computer just as long as I sit in front of the TV.

Do you get enough sleep?
For the most part, yes.  I try to get 7 hours of sleep each night.  I go to bed at 9 and get up at 4.  I sleep a little longer on the weekends.

Do you eat mindlessly?
Oh, yes.  This one really needs no explanation.  I eat for all emotions, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm watching TV.  Mindless eating is my biggest hurdle, that's for sure.

Do you live or work in an environment that makes it difficult to eat healthfully and keep moving?
I try not to live in that environment.  I've tried to adjust the family's mindset in what foods are brought in to the house and eaten.  Work?  Yes.  There's always some sweet treat or luncheon or something going on in the break room that tempts me.  A teacher's lounge can be a smorgasbord of temptation and mindless eating.

Those are the main questions, then there are these questions that are meant to help me identify deeper root causes....these questions take up a whole page in the book.  There are a ton of them.  They are probably the most important of all the questions.  I have to answer them, so I understand if you want to skip this...

How do you feel about your weight?
Well, I hate it.  I want it to be at a healthy range.  I want to feel better about the way I look and feel.

Is having a healthy weight a high priority in your life that's worth your time and energy to address?
YES!

Do you have enough concentration to focus on your weight problem, your poor eating habits, and your sedentary lifestyle?
I do.  I just need some guidance and help keeping me concentrating on it.

What is distracting you from your focus?
Stress.  That's probably my main distraction.  Stress with focusing on wanting a teaching job so bad.  Stress with dealing with the issues with Butter.  Yes.  Definitely stress.

Do you feel that you are doomed to be overweight and it does not matter how hard you try?
Sometimes.  There have been days and weeks where I feel like I have my mind on the prize - and then one small, insignificant event takes place that has me messing up or sabotaging myself.  I have often thought that I'll never get it, I'll never succeed.

Do you eat just to feel better, if only for a short time?
Yes.  Constantly.  It's no surprise, but food is my drug.  I find myself often looking for the next "quick fix", even if I know full well that I'll regret the decision later.

Are you eating before you go to bed because you are tired? Are you attached to certain unhealthy foods late at night? Why? What triggers you to eat just a little while after finishing your meal?
It's possible I eat before bed because I'm tired, I never really thought about that before.  I am attached to sweeter foods in the evenings - cookies, chocolate, ice-cream.  I don't know why, again I've never really sat down and thought about it.  I just get an urge for something sweet in the evening - and if it's available to eat, I eat it.  I account boredom to eating shortly after finishing a meal.  If I'm just sitting and watching TV, I often get the urge to snack. 

Are you using food to fill an emotional void, relieve loneliness, or cope with your anxiety, fears, or stress?
Yes.  Yes.  And yes!


Do you continue to eat when you are full, and how does this make you feel?
I do continue to eat, sometimes, when I'm full.  I do it because it was kind of how I was conditioned.  I was always taught that I should clear my plate during a meal and to not waste food.  Often it makes me feel tired, lethargic, and uncomfortable.  I know it's something I need to get over - but sometimes I don't even realize how full I am until my plate has been cleared.

Is overeating a Band-Aid to cover up another type of pain?  Are you trying to feed an emotional hunger?  Are you using food as a crutch?  Do you use food to ward off the painful, heart-wrenching feelings that you have buried deep in your heart?
I had never really thought about this until my last visit with Butter's therapist.  I knew that I used eating to handle stress, but had never considered that I used food to cope with feelings I've buried or tried to forget about.  I haven't yet been able to identify these deep, painful feelings.  I assume that they are probably triggered to the horrific relationship I had with Butter's bio-father.  As much as I've convinced myself that he's behind me, and the pain and agony that man caused me is long gone - my eating may suggest otherwise.  Maybe now the surface has been scratched for me to dig deep and unleash the feelings I've been hiding and trying to forget for years - it's brought about the sad feelings I've felt the past couple of days.  Back then, I was told over and over that nobody liked me, nobody cared about me.  So, when I feel that way - I eat.  I was told I was weak, ugly, useless - and that I'd never account for anything or do anything with my life.  When I stress about not finding a teaching job - I eat.  One of my biggest fears is that Butter turns out like him, so when I see similarities or behaviors that remind me of that man - I eat.  Wow - seeing it in black and white for the first time...it hurts, but also feels freeing somehow.

Now that I've answered the questions about the emotions surrounding my mindless eating, the next set of questions focus on some other miscellaneous factors....

Where do you get your information?  From a credible source?  Or from magazines, TV shows, or advertisements that sensationalize results and make promises they can't fill?
I've had my experience with fad diets and magic pills - and didn't like any of them.  I try to do my research, but I stick to the mentality that I'll lose weight if I eat less and exercise more.  As much as I tried to fight it, I've come to terms with how important it is to keep track of the calories I'm consuming, and the amount I'm burning when I work out. 

Do you find yourself being affected by food commercials on TV or in magazine advertising?
Not really.  I mean, I've seen commercials and thought "wow, that looks good" but not enough to where I run out and buy whatever it is.

Have you been the victim of countless diet books that have led you to lose confidence in your ability to reach a healthy weight?
Yes and no.  I have several dieting books, but once I start hearing about the restrictions or limits the certain plan requires - I usually shy away.  At the end of the day, the dieting books I have read all say the same thing:  You have to eat less and exercise more.  I just don't like being told that certain foods are off limits, or I have to partake in crazy amounts of exercise.  My body just doesn't function well with those types of restrictions or expectations. 

Do you have a preexisting health condition that prevents you from exercising?  If you do, did you seek out the advice of a professional to help you find appropriate physical activities that you can do on a daily basis?
I have very bad knees - hardly any cartilage left in either of them.  I was instructed back in 2010, when I first started exercising for the first time in years, that I had to be careful.  My doctor instructed me that if I lost weight, my knees wouldn't hurt so much.  Yet, if I pushed my knees too hard, I'd end up with more problems.  I was advised to take it slow - walking, light weight training, etc.  Once I built up more endurance and strength, I would be able to accomplish more.  And that was true.  I got to be able to jog for 3 miles at a time and felt absolutely no discomfort while exercising.  Now that a lot of the weight is back, I feel the discomfort again - which means I have to lose the weight again.

Lastly....listen to your heart.  What are your inner longings?  How are you going to fulfill these longings?  Do your self-talk, beliefs, or interactions with others hinder you from maintaining healthy eating and active living?  Are you your own worst enemy?  Have you put time and effort into healthy eating and active living?  Why or why not?
My inner longings are to be at a healthy weight, be able to run for miles, feel confident in who I am and with my appearance.  I try to surround myself with people and things that remind me how important my healthy eating and active living is.  But I am my own worst enemy.  I am the one that self-sabotages.  I am the one that strays from the focus for silly reasons.  I tell myself that I'm going to put in the time and effort, but I fail more than I succeed.  Why?  Because I need to work on freeing myself from the excuses, freeing myself from the emotions....and driving myself until I succeed.

Answering those questions has definitely opened my eyes.  Will all my problems now be over?  Of course not.  But, just as a drug addict takes the first step by admitting they have a problem - I, too, have taken that first step.  Now it's up to me to start working on those problems.  The road will be long.  The journey will be hard. 

I had a great week, last week.  The success I felt is what I want to feel every single day.  I am the only one that can make that happen.  I am going to keep reading this book, following the advice...and hopefully, good things are going to come my way. 

First step?  I'm going for a run.  Right now.

Till next time. ;)

Call Me a Loser All You Want! - Weigh In Time!

Dear Diary...

For pretty much the first time since the beginning of the year - and starting this journey over yet again - I was actually looking forward to this morning's weigh in.  You may need to read that again just to be sure I said what you actually thought I said.  It's true.  I knew this week was going to be different.  No last minute excuses, no last minute explanations as to why I'm expecting to see a gain - none of that. 

Before I actually get to the numbers, though, I do have something to admit to you.  I didn't get to go meet Patrick House last night (Season 10's Biggest Loser).  No, let me rephrase that - I didn't go to meet Patrick House last night.  After getting out of Butter's therapy session - that was after 5pm - I was exhausted.  That's a terrible excuse, one that I regretted while driving home.  THEN, I got home, and saw that Patrick had posted to his Facebook that he was in L.A. filming.  Come to find out, he had to put off his appearance at my gym for a week cause he's in L.A. filming an episode of Biggest Loser.  I didn't miss him after all - and you can bet I'll be there next week.  No excuses!

So.  Let's get to those numbers, shall we?

On my first weigh in of the year, I weighed 239.8lbs.  Since that time, I've gained.  A lot.  Last week, getting up to 244.4lbs,  I decided to ditch my old ways and go back to basics.  I logged all my food, I counted calories.  Did it make a difference?  You tell me.  This week I weighed in at...241.6lbs!!!  That's a loss of 2.8lbs!!!

I'm very happy with that number.  Even though I made a few changes this week, I still made a few bad choices and skipped a few work-outs.  My immediate reaction was to think about how much more I would have lost if I had stuck to all of my goals and worked out more and didn't partake in the two moments of weakness and eat junk food.

But, then I told myself I'm not going to do that.  Losing almost 3lbs in a week is something to be very proud of - despite any mistakes I made.  Mistakes mean I have room for improvement.  They will most likely happen every single week - but as long as I can still pull numbers as great as this?  I'll be just fine. 

This week has really given me a different outlook on the whole process.  I can't believe I was such a naysayer about logging my food - but the proof is in the pudding, right?  I gave it a week, and the results of my week show how important that tiny step is in this whole process.  Done are my days of saying it's not important to count calories.  I was in idiot - I'm OK to admit that.  Now, I'm a loser... and I couldn't be more happier about that!  I am also going to use my food logging on my Reward Jar.  For every week I log all of my food - every day - I now earn a $5 bonus!

Along with making the change to logging my food, I am also going to be making a very huge step towards doing something I never thought I'd do.  I am going to start getting some counseling.  I'll admit that I have been taking a bit of an advantage of Butter's therapist.  Well, yesterday, he point blank called me out on it.  He could tell I was struggling.  He could tell that I needed him - for my own reasons, not just Butter's.  As much as I've tried to think otherwise, I have a lot of demons in my closet that I can't just let go by myself.  Holding on to my past - as much as I keep telling myself I don't - is affecting my weight, the way I parent, and my life in general.

I've been struggling a lot since Butter came out of the hospital with stepping back in to the role of a dominant parent figure towards Butter.  I coddle him.  I kept telling myself that if I approached him with nothing but love, he'd never want to be that boy that got him put in the hospital ever again.  And then, I admitted to the therapist my biggest fear:  I never want Butter to turn out like his bio-father.  What I thought to be a nothing more than a concern turned out to be the statement the therapist had been waiting for me to admit:  My past is affecting me.  Until I can let go of the guilt and frustration and mental anguish that man from my past put on me - and what I fear will develop in my son - I will never be able to give Butter what he truly needs.  I am basically enabling Butter to do the very thing I'm scared of happening.  The only way to fix that is by facing the issues head on - and now I'll have a therapist to help me through it.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be very tough on me.  There are going to be some major changes in my house.  I was given a list of things to do this week by my therapist, and some of those things scare me.  Some of those things are going to upset Butter - big time.  But, everything he's asked me to do is necessary.  One of my hardest tasks is going to be making a list of the fears I've overcome and the fears I still have.  The therapist is going to help me with as many as he can.  He's going to help me face my fears, and give me the tools to let go of my past, let go of my guilt, and stop worrying about who Butter may become.

There are so many factors that can play on weight gain and loss.  I'm quickly realizing that it's not just about what I eat and whether or not I work-out.  In order for my body to let go of the junk, my mind has to also let go of the junk.  It's something I'm prepared to do.  No, it's something I want to do - more than anything.  Just getting rid of the weight won't be enough.  I've already learned that lesson.  It will just come back.  Until I can get rid of the junk that causes me to mindlessly eat and sit on the couch rather than work-out, I have no hope.  But, I do have hope.  And hope is going to get me through.

My goals for today:

• Log my food
• Drink lots of water
• Work out at the gym

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Despite everything I'm about to say, I am pretty happy this week.  But, even on the good weeks, there's going to be some things that I need to get off my chest.  That's what I want my confessions to be for.  To just get things off my chest.  I don't know if there will ever come a time when I can write a blog post on Tuesday mornings and say "I have absolutely nothing to confess this week".  That would be nice, but as a very wonderful follower said yesterday in the comments, I'm striving for Progress, Not Perfection!

I confess that I have not been to the gym since last Tuesday.  Despite it being one of my goals Thursday and Friday.  Wednesday, I explained that in a post - and then I repeated the same stuff on Thursday and Friday.  I chose to go shoe shopping instead, even after shopping for shoes Wednesday afternoon.  Friday, I was just tired.

I confess that, even though it was one of my goals to go walking on Saturday, I didn't.  I chose to go get my hair cut, do grocery shopping, and return shoes I no longer wanted.  Sure, I walked around stores... but it's not the same.  That doesn't count.

I confess that I made myself go jogging/walking on Sunday.  When I got dressed, I deliberately put my work-out clothes on.  Even when I had decided to go play bingo, and realized that my jogging/walking my hinder that - I chose to take my chances.  The 2.85 miles I completed were tough.  Especially the first 30 minutes when I completed week one of C25K.  My calves were screaming at me the entire time - but I just kept hearing a voice scream "push passed the pain" and I did.  

I confess that I was not able to avoid the junk food at bingo on Sunday.  This is going to sound stupid, but, I deliberately didn't ask for extra cash when buying my bingo books - cause I knew I'd end up buying food.  Then, and here's the stupid part, while I was playing the first games I told myself that if I won I'd buy myself something to eat.  Guess what happened next?  I won.  My first win of the night - $37.  Enough to buy me some food.  Instead of getting a salad or a sandwich I went to my weakness - chicken strips and fries.  Even though I was still slightly under my calorie goal for the day (thank goodness to the 300 calories I earned for my 2.85 mile walk) I know that it has affected my weight this week.

I confess that I stood on the scale Friday, even though I don't usually step on the scale any other days but Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Tuesdays because of my Biggest Loser weigh in at work, and Wednesdays for my official weigh in.  I wish I hadn't.  Because the number I saw then compared to the number I see now is significantly different.  The number on Friday was 2lbs less than what I saw this morning when getting a feel for what my BL weigh in would be like.  It goes to show that even staying under my calorie goal doesn't completely determine my loss.  Fried food is still fried food - and it's going to affect my numbers.

I confess that my "splurge" on Sunday wasn't the only splurge I had this week.  Friday night, Hubby and I took the kids to The Dixie Cafe for dinner.  I mentally told myself that I could have a "free night" because I had planned on doing some jogging/walking on Saturday and going to the gym on Sunday.  While I didn't make good choices with the food I ordered, I did stop eating when I was full.  That's a new thing for me.  I've been conditioned to eat what's on my plate - but Friday night, I just stopped when I reached the point of "fullness".  I'm sure that meal also has affected what I saw on the scale this morning - especially since I didn't hold up to the two days of exercise I'd planned on over the weekend.  I also believe it's one of the reasons I ate so little on Saturday - because I was trying to make up for the damage.  Lesson to be learned in that!

I confess that I have managed to go an entire week of logging my food and exercise in to My Fitness Pal.  That's a big deal, for me.  I've logged everything that went in to my mouth - good, bad, and ugly.  In those 7 days, I've only gone over my calorie goal 3 times - and it was by less than 300 calories each time.  I know that those 300 calories add up - but for my first week, I don't think it's too bad.

I confess that I'm so excited to get to meet Patrick House from the Biggest Loser this evening.  Even though I won't be able to work out - because of an appointment I have to take Butter to, just being able to say hi and maybe get a picture will be worth it.  He's been one of my most favorite Biggest Losers since watching the show - and I had the most success with my weight loss during his season. 

I confess that I didn't go to the gym, again, last night because of a doctor's appointment.  It was preplanned, though, so it's not like I skipped going.  This week will be kinda crazy, but I plan on getting my butt back on track with the gym on Wednesday. 

I confess that even though I feel like I had a pretty good week, it's obvious I still have a long way to go.  It's my goal this week to work on some of this stuff - and make sure it doesn't happen again.  It makes me wonder what my number on my scale would be like if I hadn't skipped the gym those few days.  It makes me wonder what the number would be if I hadn't eaten the junk I ate over the weekend.  There's only one way to find out - by not repeating the same mistakes.

So, that's it.  But, before I go, I have a favor to ask.  I am needing help for a friend.  Her name is Lacie.  She is a person I've worked with the past few months - and has grown to be a true friend.  She has a daughter, named Kenadee, who is 2.  Her daughter has mitochondrial disease.  It's a disease that affects Kenadee's entire body - both inside and out.  There's no way I could shed light on this family's heartfelt story - but I hope you would visit this link and read a little more about it.

Lacie, and her husband Dennis, want to take their precious angel to the beach.  It could very well be the only chance they have to do something like this.  I have never seen so much strength and love inside two people.  They devote their lives to giving Kenadee the best care, love, and support.  Lacie also spends 7 hours a day nurturing 25 third graders.  She is a true hero - and her husband deserves that badge of honor, too as he spends that time at home taking care of Kenadee.

I am trying to help Lacie and Dennis raise enough money to make their dreams come true - and take that trip to the beach.  If you can spare anything - $10, $20, more - and have a part in this, you have no idea how grateful I'd be.  I would also be forever grateful if you could share this story on your own blogs - and spread the word for me.  Please click here and help make their dreams come true!

Till next time. ;)

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Dear Diary...

What an amazing weekend it's been.  It was a great combination of relaxation, activities, time with family, and time alone.  I learned a little about myself this weekend, too.

I learned that a little haircut and style can have a huge impact on the outside AND the inside.  With just a couple of inches cut off my hair, I feel like a different person.  I don't look in the mirror, now, and see a girl that has lost hope or is fighting a losing battle.  I see a woman that's determined.  I see a woman that doesn't have to live in sweat pants forever, or feel uncomfortable that her clothes are too tight - for much longer.  I see a woman that is going to start making some serious progress in the coming weeks.  She's in it to win it.

I learned that there are going to be occasions when just because I post my goals on here, doesn't necessarily mean I'll definitely complete all of them.  There may have been a couple of goals that I didn't get accomplished over the past couple of days - that I will divulge in tomorrow's confession post.  

Regardless, I learned that just because I don't complete a goal doesn't make me weak or a failure.  As long as I stick to the important stuff - logging, exercising, etc. - that a minor slip up can be overcome as long as I dust myself off immediately and don't just give up on the whole day.  

I learned that the past couple of weeks in the gym has definitely increased my stamina.  After a few failed attempts over the past couple of months, yesterday I completed the first week of Couch to 5K.  Again.  I did the whole program once before.  But, after almost a year of no exercise and mindless eating - I lost the ability to run more than a few seconds.  Yesterday, I was able to do 20 minutes of 60 jogs/ 90 second walk intervals.  A small step in the right direction to working back up to running 3 miles - but a huge milestone... being that a little over a month ago the first 60 second run caused me more pain than I want to admit.  

I learned that even though I still don't have the stamina to jog 3 miles, I can still walk it.  I finished 2.85 miles yesterday.  I would have gone the full 3 miles, but I apparently miscalculated the round trip and arrived back at home a little shy of my mark.  My pace was extremely slow (18min/mile) but I don't care one bit.  The fact that I just got out there and did it is a win in my books.

I learned that now that the weather is warmer, my plans to go to the gym on Sundays may have to be altered.  I may be ditching the gym on the weekends and focusing my efforts to Couch to 5K.  I can still get cardio and strength training at the gym in during the week - and then go for a jog on Saturday, Sunday, or both.

I learned that yelling "Bingo!" is a jolt of pure happiness.  It happened, again, yesterday.  Twice in fact.  I won an early game that earned me $37...and I was happy with that.  After my big win a couple of weeks ago, that was enough for me.  Then, the last game of the night came.  The game that I've wanted to win every since I started playing bingo years ago.  It's the Pick 8 game - in which you pick your own 8 numbers to play.  Well, the luck gods were definitely on my side yesterday...and I won the game I've waited 12 years to win.  It earned me $500!!  I'll be giving bingo a break, for a while, as I know when there's only so much luck a person can have.  The wins I've had in the last couple of weeks couldn't have come at a better time.  There's so much stuff that has been needing to be done, but the lack of funds has prevented it.  We've finally been able to get a few of those things done - and now have a couple more that we can check off the list.

I learned that even though I focus on telling myself over and over again that I won't eat fried food - I may still eat it.  Plugging my food in to My Fitness Pal yesterday was nerve wracking.  I had told myself that I would not eat the junk food provided at the bingo hall - and what do I do?  Yep.  I ate it.  You can't win 'em all.  Right?  

But, I also learned that I can eat some fried food - and still be under my calorie goal for the day.  That doesn't just wash the slate clean and give me a free pass.  I know that the sodium alone in the fried food will make me retain water which won't reflect well on the scale.  But, I used that moment of weakness as my main meal for the day - and made sure that everything else I ate was on point.  Leading to still being under my calorie goal by 400 calories.  

So, as you can see, I learned quite a bit this weekend.  I know that every day isn't going to be perfect.  That doesn't set the tone for who I am.  It was one of the reasons I didn't want to post goals in the first place.  I worried about what would happen, and what I'd feel like if I didn't complete all of them.  But you know what?  I feel OK.  I know I wasn't perfect and there's still lots of room for improvement.  I know I'm still learning.  After going at this process for as long as I have, I know that I'm going to be fighting battles of temptation, laziness, and defeat every single day.  I'll win some.  I'll lose some.  It doesn't mean I'll give up on the war.

This past week, compared to the last many weeks, has proven to be a good week.  By just tweaking a few things here and there, I don't feel so lost or defeated or confused.  For the first time in way too long, I have a feeling of hope inside of me.  I'm back on the right track.  That's for sure.  And nothing can stop me now.

Till next time. ;)

There Are Definitely Some Changes Taking Place Up In Here

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling really good this morning.  I can't quite pinpoint the reason that I'm feeling so good.  It's quite possible that Hubby spiked my coffee this morning with some happy pills.  No.  That can't be right.  I don't think for a second that Hubby has a secret stash of happy pills.  Although, now that I think about it....

There has to be another explanation to why I'm feeling so peppy at 9am on a Sunday morning.  It wasn't from a wonderful night of sleep.  I went to bed a little after midnight, and for some reason woke up a few times in the night for no reason whatsoever.  That seems to be a common thing with me and Saturday nights, lately.  For the past few weeks, I've had trouble getting a good night's sleep on Saturday night.

Could my chipperness have something to do with the day I had yesterday?  Could it have something to do with the kick ass week I've had?  I'm thinking Yes. And Yes!

Let's start with this week, shall we?  You've heard how I've been doing - because I've told you about it every day.  I'm not going to go on with every minuet detail, or indulge my little secrets of some of the things that haven't been on point.  That's what my Tuesday confession posts are for.  I fall in to that pit every week.  I confess every day, and then when Tuesday comes around - I'm lost at what I can confess.  This week, I'm keeping some stuff locked away until Tuesday.

So, let's move on to the day I had yesterday.  It started out with my planning on going out to return the knockoff Toms I bought a few days ago, and doing some grocery shopping.  Then, it turned in to needing to find somewhere to get Jelly's haircut - cause she needed it.  She's 4 and has never had a hair cut.  In my defense, the child was bald until she was 2 1/2...so her long hair has developed over the past year.  I found out that Smart Style at our Wal-Mart was having a $8 hair cut promotion...so that's where we headed first.

Once we got there, I decided that I would get a hair cut.  It's something I've been wanting to do for a while - but I was holding off.  The reason I was holding off was stupid.  I don't feel "pretty" when I'm not doing well with my weight - and getting a hair cut means "prettifying" myself.  But, I remembered that I've had a pretty good week - and it might not hurt to give myself a little reward.  So I did.  And you know what?  I love it.  I wish I could share a pic with you right now - but I didn't take a pic after it was cut yesterday, and it doesn't look very good at this very second.

After getting my hair cut, I developed this change within myself.  I liked the way it looked.  I liked the way it felt.  That good feeling swam through my veins.  I realized how good I felt after only one week of eating better, logging my foods, and making small goals each day.  I could look at myself in the mirror and see what I'm working towards, and got a glimmer of hope that I am definitely on the right track.

Once my hair cut was finished, Hubby asked if I wanted to get something to eat at the fried chicken place in the Wal-Mart.  Without even stopping to think about it, I said NO!  I hadn't eaten all day (my bad), and I was hungry - but I just couldn't even fathom eating it.  I chose to go hungry for the time being, until I could get something more healthy.  NSV or what?

I will admit that I didn't eat anything until I got home - which was around 4pm.  That's not good.  That's bad, actually.  I didn't eat anything all day.  Then, when I got home, I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich and a turkey and cheese sandwich.  I also ate some Cheetos later on in the evening.  That's not good, but I knew a few Cheetos wasn't going to kill me - especially after I'd turned down a plate of fried chicken earlier.  My total calorie intake for yesterday was 724 calories.  That's not something I should be proud of.  Anything less than 1200 calories is dangerous.  But it was one day, and not something I plan on doing a lot of.  I feel that I'd rather have 724 calories and be way below my goal than to splurge on fried chicken and be over my calories.

I think that yesterday was kind of a cleanse to my system.  I was faced with a choice.  Being that I was hungry, it would have usually been a no brainer to visit a fast food place and grab something quick to eat.  But my progress this week, and the new hair cut that was a step in beautifying myself halted my heels and made me take a step back and weigh out the situation.  I know that wouldn't have happened a month ago, or even a week ago. 

Right now, I'm sitting in my work-out clothes.  My goal for today was to go to the gym while the kids were at church.  But, the weather is so nice out - I've decided to go for a walk/jog.  It's a 3 mile stretch from my house, down the road, and back...so that's what I'm going to do.

Then, once the kids are picked up, I'm going to go play bingo.  All by myself.  

Goals for today?

• Walk/jog for at least 30 minutes
• Eat at least 3 meals
• Avoid fried food or any kind of junk food at the bingo hall

Till next time. ;)

Wow! It Goes To Show How Important My Mini-Goals Really Are

Dear Diary...

This week, OK the past few days, I've been back to posting mini-goals on here every day and tracking my food intake on My Fitness Pal.  I feel the change is going to give me a boost in the right direction of being mindful of everything I do.

It's no surprise that for months and months, I've dipped into the bag of excuses and basically used up every one to explain my lack of progress on the scale.  I've also changed my mind so much about what I am and am not going to do - that it's enough to make anyone dizzy.  One day I'm making goals, the next day I'm not.  One day I'm going to not join a gym, the next day I am.  One day I'm determined to go to the gym, and the next I'm sick and can't.  The new year started and I had this belief that I could muster up the power and strength to put all of my bad habits behind me and just transform myself in to a weight loss warrior.  Which, you can tell by the progress numbers in my sidebar, didn't work out for me too well.

So, after a lot of deliberation with my inner self, I realized I just had to go back to basics.  I had to completely start over.  I had to forget that I'd managed to lose 88lbs in a little over a year.  I had to forget that I used to be able to jog 3 miles.  I had to forget that not so long ago I totally knew what I was doing and how to do it.  I just had to forget and tell myself that this is day 1...and strict monitoring had to be in order.

Tuesday, I started logging my food intake to My Fitness Pal.  I was able to enter all of my food from the day before and realize that I was eating way too much - even when I thought I wasn't.  Within one day, I was keeping a close eye on what I was eating - and curbed it staying under my calorie goal on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, I also placed mini goals on here - and I reached everyone one of them.  I went to the gym, I ate right, I logged, and I drank plenty of water.

Then, well yesterday came...and I didn't post any goals.  It wasn't on purpose.  I was so caught up with explaining Biggest Loser drama that I totally forgot to put any goals up.  You wanna know what happened?  Well, I didn't go to the gym after work for one.  It wasn't a total I didn't go because I didn't want to scenario - but close enough.  I told myself I wanted to go - but I found excuses why I couldn't.  Butter was kinda moody, so I didn't want to chance leaving him with his sister while I was working out.  I had a meeting at the school at 5pm, and I didn't want to show up to that all sweaty.  Totally lame ass excuses!

Wanna know what I did instead?  I went shoe shopping.  Yep.  You read that right.  Instead of going to the gym and working my behind off to be able to earn money to buy my new wardrobe in the future - I went and bought shoes.  Lord have mercy!  Don't ask me what I was thinking - I honestly don't know.

Do you want to know what happened once the meeting at the school was over and I was driving home?  I felt guilty.  I felt like I had cheated myself.  I felt bad and realized that I'd totally screwed myself with coming up with those lame-o excuses....and it was too late to do anything about it.

Wanna know something else I did?  I went over my calorie goal.  My goal - when there is no exercise involved - is 1480.  I ate 1657.  Not extremely bad, but if I had gone to the gym and did my cardio...like I was supposed to... I would have earned an extra 300 exercise calories and would have been under my calorie goal.  I know that the only reason I didn't completely screw the day up with my eating was because I was still logging my food - and refused to let that number climb any higher.

So, what have I learned?  Well, putting my goals on here - for the world to see - is important.  It's not important for anyone else to see what I'm planning to do... but it is important for me to see what I'm planning to do...and then doing it. 

Here are my goals for today:

• Eat less than my calorie goal
• Eat all of my meals and snacks - and keep them within caloric range
• Drink lots of water
• Go to the gym to make up for the missed session from yesterday

Friday is not a scheduled gym day for me.  I told myself that if I go the gym Sunday - Thursday, I could take Friday and Saturday off.  The reasoning behind it is the fact that my family usually do a lot of stuff on the weekends - so scheduling those days off a head of time prevents me from having to rearrange my schedule - or feel like I've flaked out when I skip a work-out.  It doesn't mean I can't work out on those days - but by not planning to avoids the feeling of failure.  Plus, I get a couple days to use to make up any sessions I had to miss during the week.  That's proactivity at it's finest, if I say so myself.  

I have to go to my mom's tonight to pick up my brother.  I could use that as an excuse as to why I can't work out after work... but I'm not gonna.  It's Friday night.  If I have to pick my brother up an hour later because I go to the gym first, then so be it.  It's not going to hurt anyone.  And it's definitely going to benefit me.

Till next time. ;)