Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Back to Life...Back to Reality

Well, it's back to work today.  We got a snow day yesterday, and if the forecast holds true for tomorrow, it may be the only day I have to work this week.  They're calling for up to 5" of snow tomorrow, and that will take us out for another few days.  I just hope there's still bread, milk, and eggs available at the store when I go after work...HA!

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  My head was swirling with thoughts, things I needed to do, and decisions that I need to make.  No matter how much I tried to ignore them and shut my brain down, it just wasn't happening.  I last looked at the clock at 3:47AM and my alarm goes off at 4:30AM, so I know this is going to be a long day.  And it will definitely be an early night for me tonight, too.  

Life is definitely about to change for me.  Not sure exactly how, but it's going to change.  And it's going to change because I'm changing.  I'm starting to realize a lot more, see a lot more, and understand a lot more stuff that I was blind to these past couple of months.  Things are starting to make sense even though they make no sense at all.  What I mean is that things I was trying so hard to ignore are just impossible to ignore anymore.  I have to face facts.  I have to stop holding on to something that's not there.  I have to stop being someone that I'm not.

I have three amazing children, I have a beautiful home, I have the career I've dreamed about having my whole life, and I have amazing friends that are here for me.  That's enough.  I don't need anymore.  I thought I did, but I don't.  All of those things make me happy, and I need to realize how much I truly have.  

I am a strong woman with good values, a kind heart, and a caring, loving personality.  I protect and am there for the people I truly care about, and will give the shirt off my back if one of those people needed me to.  I have a lot of love in my heart, and when I offer up that love it comes with few conditions.  I am honest and loyal, and take pride in those traits.  I often put the needs of others before my own, and will do so without any expectations or agreement for anything in return.  Except maybe respect, honesty, and appreciation.  I think I'm a good person, and I've decided that I'm not willing to change any of those things about myself.  

But what is changing is the fact that I have always been the person that shut myself away, carried my emotions on my shoulders, and tried not to burden anyone else with my problems.  Yet, I've realized that those things weigh me down and interfere with being who I am.  Now is the time for me to get out there, show people what I'm made of, and just enjoy life.  Why not?  

I know that life is going to be a little tough for me, transitioning in to being a single mother, taking on the expenses and responsibilities alone, but I can do it.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  Am I a little nervous?  Sure.  But, one thing I definitely know about myself is the fact that I'm a fighter.  I'm a survivor.  I take bad situations and I turn them around.  I get stuff done!  I take care of stuff that needs to be taken care of, and I manage.  I may not have all the answers, right now, but I'll figure them out.

It's almost like I've become numb to bad feelings.  I've gone through so many emotional rollarcoasters these past couple of months that my emotions have taken such a beating, they just don't feel the lashings anymore.  And I'm not saying that in a bad way.  It has all made me stronger, more capable, and has ignited the fighter instinct in me.  I fight for what I want.  I don't give up.  I stand toe to toe with tough situations and I deal with them.  

So, it's back to life... back to the reality of what's really going on... and it's time to deal.  

I can do this. 

Have a great day, everyone!!


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