Well, I've been up since 4:30 this morning, which isn't unusual for me at all. Except for the fact that today, I don't have to work and yet I still had to be up that early. That's the life of a parent that has a child in debate. Even on my day off, I don't really get a day off. HA!
This morning I had to take Peanut to another debate contest. On my way home, I blasted my music and had one of my destress sing-a-long times. I feel like I'm almost stuck in a de ja vu moment, because this is where I was almost a week ago, doing the exact same thing. I remember feeling really good that day and told myself that it was going to be a great day.
Unfortunately, I jinxed myself and what started out as a really good day just got worse and worse by the minute. I was able to spend some time with some family and one of my best friends, which was great, but I also had to deal with some drama that I did NOT want to have to deal with.
Today, I'm cautiously optimistic. I am, once again, going out with a friend, but I'm hoping and praying that today is WAY better than last Saturday ended up being. I'm hoping that I'm kind of getting a do-over, and that today will end up being the fantastic day I wanted to have last weekend.
On a somewhat different note, I am very proud of the way I took care of some of my business yesterday. I stood strong all day long, ignoring certain people and telling myself that I just need to move on and not let it get to me. I don't need anymore drama, I don't need any one in my life that's going to bring me down, and I certainly have no intentions of continuing to be the person who can be treated like crap one day, and the next day just pretend that nothing ever happened.
I'm so sick and tired of my feelings not being important. If I make someone unhappy or hurt them, even intentionally, I do what I can to fix that problem. But, I also expect that gesture to be returned to me when someone hurts me. If they don't have the decency to accept my feelings, understand that I'm hurt, and apologize for it, then I just don't have time for that.
Last night, I actually did receive an apology. I was pretty shocked, and I was pretty happy about it. At least from the gesture. However, I also know to be very cautious, and not read too much in to it. Sometimes I can be a sucker to forgive too quickly, and I have to be very cautious about that from now on. I truly believe that people deserve to be forgiven if they accept responsibility for their actions and mean to make amends, but an open apology followed by the exact same behaviors don't show me a reason to forgive.
One thing I'm definitely starting to learn is that words have very little meaning and that actions are everything. You can truly understand a person's motive by the way they act, not by what they say, and I really need to pay more attention to actions rather than words.
I often feel like some people use words as a defense mechanism to cover up how they truly feel. And that can work in two different ways, both of which I've been seeing more often here recently. There are people that will say things that are hurtful, but their actions towards you are loving and caring. And there are people that say the right things, but their actions are cold and hateful.
Both situations are very confusing and extremely frustrating, but it's learning how to pay attention to the underlying issue at hand, and being able to understand the root of what's going on.
For example, a person can tell you things that upset you, make you angry, and hurt you whenever you're not around. The words sting and send a bolt of hurt to your heart. Yet, when you see them, they treat you totally different, they stare at you with love in their eyes, and they find it impossible to do anything but make you smile by their actions of genuine concern and care.
Then there are those people that tell you nonstop how important you are, are always able to say exactly the right things to put a smile on your face, and then the minute you're around them, they act like you're nothing, almost invisible, and make you feel like mud on the bottom of their shoe.
If someone says something mean to me, it's not always because they are mad at me or have those feelings toward me, maybe they're just having a bad day. On the same note, just because someone says something nice to me doesn't mean that they really like or care for me, maybe they're just being polite.
However, with those same scenarios, a lot can be understood when the person that says something hurtful to me. But when that same person loves spending time with me, and makes me feel loved and appreciated without ever saying a word, those actions speak volumes. The person that always says something nice to my face, but is distant or cold when I'm around also emits a mighty sound with their actions.
Each day, I'm learning to be more in tune to the actions of others rather than their words. A person can promise you the world with their words, but their actions promise you heartache. A person can cut you to the core with their words, but their actions can put you on cloud nine.
The more I am learning to understand about all of this, the more I find myself accepting and growing with my expectations. I'm building a new shell that doesn't allow so many hurtful words to penetrate me. I'm also building that shell to not allow so many open promises in, either. I've become more in-tune with how people treat me, rather than what they say about or to me.
I always thought I wasn't a naive person, but how quickly I've realized that I've been WAY too naive for WAY too long. I have always thought it better to trust someone until they give you a reason not to. I still believe that, but I also know that I've been very naive with how much trust I give someone. People deserve second chances, sometimes even third or fourth chances, but eventually you just have to say enough is enough and realize that nothing is going to change. Rather than allow people to tell me how they feel, it is required that they show me. Their actions have to back up their words.. Period!
So, as I go about my day I'm going to remain open to whatever happens. No high expectations, no fear either. My day will play out the way it will play out. But, my actions for whatever happens today will be what's important. I can sit here and say that everything is going to be great, but unless I actually make that happen... it's just words.
I have to start doing rather than saying. And I'm ready to do so much.
Have a great Friday, everyone!!