Let's Get Back To Why I'm Here...Shall We?

Good morning, everyone!! 

It is a horrible, nasty 81 degrees in my house already this morning - and it's only 9am.  My AC isn't broken - it's just that freakin' hot outside already, that my poor, old AC is having such a hard time keeping up.  It has been weeks since the temps have been below 100 degrees - even with the small amount of rain we got the other day.  At night, it's barely getting down below 90 outside.  Our electric bill may be the financial ruin to our household.

I just want to say a quick THANK YOU to everyone that commented, emailed, or messaged me yesterday about my post.  Even those of you that strongly disagreed with me did so in a grown up, professional way.  There was no name calling, judgment, or disrespect - and that meant so much to me.  I seemed to have only lost 1 follower because of my statements - but I'm OK with that.  I'd much rather someone quietly take me off their feed list than to cause drama and say nasty things.

One thing this week has reminded me is that this blog is my outlet.  It's my way to express myself, say what I need to say - and it's not always going to be about weight loss.  And I prefer it that way.  Sometimes just being able to talk about topics that are really important to me help keep my mind focused, which help me release emotions that would usually send me running to the nearest junk food.

But I haven't really spoken about any form of weight loss topic at all this week.  And that's probably because it hasn't been on my mind AT ALL.  Which I know isn't a good thing.  And you know I will spew off some excuses right now - but.. I'm venting...remember that. M'kay?

It's too hot.  Yeah, I said it.  It's too freakin' hot for me to take one second of my day to think about doing anything involved with weight loss....especially excercising.  I'm too hot to eat, but I have forced myself to do it... but not as often as I should.  I have found that I have an appetite in the evening, when it's just a little cooler - and eating late at night is a no-no... I know that, too.  I don't want to eat anything that has been cooked for too long - because using the stove makes my house even hotter, and then I get even more ticked off and lose my appetite even more.  So, Hubby has been preparing not the best foods in the world because they are quick to prepare.  Yes, processed food has been in my diet this week.

I know that's a ridiculous excuse, because I could have been eating fresh foods all week - and most fresh foods don't need to be cooked to eat.  But, I have been very short on cash this past week.  Ridiculous excuse #2. 

I'm using the oldest excuses in the book - too hot and not enough money - but to be completely and utterly honest, I'm OK with it right now.  This isn't another start-up to my constant rollarcoaster of giving up and restarting - and my scale isn't being too horrible to me.  I know this may stir up some controversy - but I've realized that not thinking about losing weight 24/7 is OK.  At the end of the day, my losing weight is my choice - and I either make it a priority or I don't.  But, sometimes there really are more important things to worry about and take care of.  If I fail I only have myself to blame - but that's not going to happen.  Regardless of how my words sound to you right now.

Thankfully, today we are able to go and do some much needed grocery shopping.  Hubby and I have already decided that the meal plan for this week will be nothing but salads and sandwiches.  We're just not going to do much cooking at all until this heatwave subsides.  We are going to spend all of the money we have budgeted for food on fruits, veggies, deli meats, and whole grain bread. That's a big bonus for me - because I will be able to focus on eating fresh foods again.  It's amazing how different my body feels after eating the way I have all week.  I can't wait to have some of my energy back - and not feel so "ugh". 

What I have thought about a lot this week is how much I want to go out walking.  So many times I've just wanted to charge out of my house, with my iPhone in my ear, and let my feet bang out some of the frustration and anger I've had boiled up inside.  But, I can't.  When it's 108 degrees outside, I can barely breath out there - let alone try and walk for miles.  I seriously can not wait until this nasty weather is gone and I can start walking and jogging again.  See, see!  That's positive thinking, right? 

I have only five days until I go back to work.  My summer is officially over in 5 short days.  This is usually the time of the year where I whine about how fast the summer has flown by, and how I'm dreading going back to work.  BUT NOT THIS YEAR.  I can't flippin' wait!  My classroom is just about done, and all I have to do now is get my first week of plans ready - and finish up putting some posters on the wall. 

I never got around to sharing about the meeting I had with my principal on Wednesday.  It was GREAT!  It was so nice to get some time alone with her to explain some of my ideas, have her share some of her expectations, and get a better sense of what my year is going to be like.  One thing that I learned, that I'm really happy about, is that it seems we have a lot in common when it comes to the expectations and desires that we have for the kiddos in the school.  That's always a nice feeling to have. 
I know I'm all over the place this morning - but I'm trying to catch up on what I can.  Plus, I'm pretty sure the heat is melting my brain... I know that's not sweat dripping from my ears - it's my brain.

So, I'll call it a day today.  Got some errands to run and laundry to do.  And take about 8 cold showers.
Till next time. ;)

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The Importance of Staying Hydrated - The Class

I've told you all time and time again how long I've wanted to be a teacher, right?  I'm sure if I just posted the question right now and waited for responses - there would be a lot of correct answers. 

Twenty-Five Years.

Since the age of five, I've played, dreamed, and worked towards becoming a teacher.  I've taught, basically, for the last two years.  One year as a student-teacher and the next as a teacher's aide.  I've been nervous.  Not all of my lessons have gone to plan.  But, I can say, not a single lesson or class have I taught where I felt guilt, sadness, pleasure, anger, and happiness all at the same time.

Until yesterday.

My first group of kiddos entered the room.  They sat down.  They were a mixture of 8 and 9 year olds.  I introduced myself by name...and then I introduced myself to them by example.  I had four kids come up front and make a circle around me and link their arms.  I asked them to walk around the room with me.  They weren't allowed to break the chain they had formed, but they had to move in the different ways I asked them to.  I asked them to walk, bend over, move.

After they sat back down, I asked them to explain to the rest of the kids how difficult it was to do the things I asked.  They said it was almost impossible - they had a lot of trouble with it.  I then told them the point to that scenario.

That was me two years ago.

That's how big around I was.  That's how hard it was for me to walk, move, and bend over.  I explained how difficult it was for me to be on my feet for more than a few minutes.  How hard and tiring it was for me to walk around a grocery store.  And how simple tasks such as tying my shoe laces, buying clothes, and walking up a few stairs felt like running a marathon.

It was a powerful introduction.  One that I was pretty proud of.  It was true.  Then, my mind began to wander to how much more I had achieved such as boot camp, running 5ks, buying clothes in a regular department store.  And then, I remembered how far I'd let myself sway off course.  And not just while I was teaching.

For 90 minutes, I taught the kids how important it was to drink lots of water - and the nasty effects that soda, sugar, and fat has on the body.  I took the kids outside for a demonstration on fun exercise and how the body uses water during exercise.  I had fun.  They had fun.  They then got to drink a bottle of water, and then I gave them some Propel water flavorings to take with them to enjoy. 

After the class was over, I had some time to reflect on my teaching.  I felt good about how the class went, but I couldn't shake the feelings I was having.  I was proud I was able to share with them my story.  I was angry that a year ago I was MUCH smaller and much more able to do more activity.  I felt guilty that I had spent so much time telling them how important proper nutrition was, when I didn't follow my own advice.  I kept telling myself that my story would have much more of an impact if they saw me last year...when I was at my lowest weight, was in the best shape I'd ever been, and was living by the example I was setting on them.

I get to do it all over again today.

But, today, I've decided that during the time I get to sit and reflect...I'm going to go and walk, instead.  Why waste 30 minutes sitting when I could be walking around the building and getting some extra exercise?  I've decided that I'm going to drink water all day long and live up to the explanation of how much water I should be drinking. 

I weighed myself this morning.  The scale said 251lbs.  Not sure how I've gained 5lbs this past week.  Especially since I've been eating better and I did do some exercise - such as the yard work I did at my parent's house last week.  You can bet that seeing that number really brought my feelings down. 

I think I'm a hypocrite.

I stand in front of a bunch of kids - weighing 251lbs - and tell them why it's important to eat healthy, drink lots of water, and exercise often.  Especially since I eat like crap, drink hardly any water, and exercise minimally.  Now, anyways.  I can only imagine what was going on in their cute little heads. 

But, if they were thinking what I think they were thinking - they didn't say it out loud.  They did make me prove my claims, though.  They wanted to see me run.  They wanted to see me do a push-up, and a sit-up.  Thankfully for me, my body cooperated.  I was able to do ONE push-up for each class.  I was able to run the length of the field in a sprint.  And I tried with all my might to not show them how tired and winded it made me. 

It made me very angry that I had let my body go so much.

Seeing 251lbs on the scale this morning made me realize that if I lose 20lbs by the time I go back to work, I'll still weigh 230lbs.  That's not good.  And with each day that goes by that the scale keeps increasing, I make that number even higher.  Twenty pounds won't matter that much if I keep doing what I'm doing.  In terms of getting back in to my old clothes and shape, anyhow. 

So, I have a choice.  I bite the bullet, start living by example, lose the damn weight, and go back next year a completely different person.  OR, I keep doing what I'm doing now, keep increasing my weight, and go against everything I believe - the motto of teach as I say not as I do.  I don't like that motto one bit. 

But, only I have the power to make that decision.

Till next time. ;)

And We've Only Just Begun...To Live

Dear Diary...

If you've just read the title and are immediately taken to the Carpenters song - You're Welcome.  That song will now be stuck in your head all day long, like it was for me all day yesterday.  That wasn't enough to do it?  Well, then, don't let me take the opportunity away from you.  Have you ever really read the lyrics to this song?  No?  Why you must!

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun

Before the risin' sun, we fly
So many roads to choose
We'll start out walkin' and learn to run
And yes, we've just begun

Sharing horizons that are new to us
Watching the signs along the way
Talkin' it over, just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together

And when the evening comes, we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes, we've just begun

I'm not a big fan of the Carpenters.  My mother is, though, which meant I spent a lot of my childhood listening to their songs, and I now know most by heart.  I never thought, though, that there was a song more suited for my weight loss journey.  That just happens to be starting, again, today.

While out and about yesterday for my relaxing, rejuvenating day in Eureka Springs, this song kept popping up in my head.  It happened every time I thought about the new plan I'm going to be starting, every time I started thinking about as much as I'll be writing, journaling, and walking.  

While I was out, I bought some new clothes.  One thing I bought just happened to be a white skirt that has white lace trim.  White lace and promises?  I bought the clothes as motivation for when I lose some of the weight.  The skirt fits now, but it will look a lot better when I'm a little smaller.  It has the promise, along with the two dresses I bought, to make me look fantastic.

Every day that I wake up before the risin' sun, I'll be flying in to my Morning Pages and writing about whatever is on my mind.  I'll have many roads to chose.  I could chose to eat clean, drink lots of water, and take my 20 minute walk OR I could not.  I could start out my day with good intentions, and then veer off after something happens.  I could get through many days of doing exactly what I'm supposed to, and then have a day that brings it all crashing down.  

I'll start out walking and learn to run.  I know that I may start out strong, but have a few set-backs.  I know that this will be a learning process, one to take slowly - before being able to run with it.  I also know that I'll start out with meditative walks every day, and will eventually get the urge to start jogging and eventually running again.

I'll be sharing all the new horizons that are new to me with you.  The feeling I get from writing about my feelings rather than eating them.  The energy I'm starting to feel run through my veins after a day of great eating and drinking lots of water.  Watching for the signs of being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Talking it over with you, my Body Buddies. 

And as each evening comes, I can smile about the good choices I've made.  I'll take one day at a time, knowing I still have a long way to go - that's there's room to grow.  If I keep with it, start over whenever the need arises, not let myself fall.  For I've only just begun - but it's such an exciting beginning.

You see?  How freakin' perfect is that song?  As much as I always resented my mother for subjecting me to the droning of the Carpenters - I can now thank her.  There was something I was able to get out of all those years of torture.  I was able to bring myself to a theme song!  My theme song!

OK, so it's not upbeat and dramatic like most theme songs - but this song fits me.  It's absolutely perfect for the journey I'm about to embark on.  If you could have told me a few months ago that I'd discover a diet plan that calls for the power of writing versus eating, I would have told you that you were nutso.  But, here I am, about to do that very thing.

Even though today is day one, I wrote my first Morning Pages entry yesterday.  I've decided to create a journal just for that.  It is secret.  It is mine.  I can write about whatever the heck is on my mind.  I did it again, today, as soon as I got up.  And you know what?  It has made me feel so much more excited.  Each day, getting everything off my chest with some writing is so therapeutic.  I thought I was doing that here, but I realize that this blog is a lot more censored.  I can't always say what I want to say on here.  So, Morning Pages will happen first - and then I can think more clearly about what I have to say in my blog entries.

I have also found the writing journal I will use.  It's one I've been holding on to for a long time.  Just sitting there, collecting dust, screaming at me to write in it.  Well, now it will get its chance.  I'll be making my first entry in a few minutes when I eat my breakfast.  I will take it with me wherever I go.  I will write when I eat, what I eat, and how I feel when I eat.  I will write in it when I get the urge to eat, but it's not my regular time to eat.  I will write out the four questions that I need to ask myself before I let a snack attack get in my way.  I will write in it after my walks each afternoon, what I thought about and how it made me feel.  The journal will get lots of use, that's for sure.

In a couple of hours, I'll be seeing Sanity for some coffee.  I'm actually nervous to see her because it's been a few months since we've seen each other in person.  I've gained a lot of weight since then.  I know that she won't say anything - because she's awesome like that - but she's going to hear about it.  I'm recruiting her as one of my Body Buddies, too.  She's only a text message away whenever I need her - and I need to know that if I'm in a situation where I need to divert my attention away from food...and I've already wrote about it... I can send her a text and she'll respond with a good reason why I should forget the food.

So, I have all the tools I need to get going.  I know that I've said many times over the past few months about how I'm going to start over and actually do something about my forever creeping up weight - and then not - but this time, I truly feel different.  It's been a long time since I've felt this amount of excitement, motivation, and dedication.  The weight may not fly off me at a speedy rate, but it will come off.  I will start to see and feel the changes as long as I keep doing what I need to do.  I will be the woman I've always wanted to be... eventually.  I've only just begun, right?

Till next time. ;)

Warrior Princess Wanted to Speak

Dear Diary...

I know it's weird, my being here late in the afternoon - when I've already wrote a post for the day. But, I was sitting on the couch, playing with my iPad, and just wanted to write. No harm in that, right?

Warrior Princess has been in my head all afternoon. In the most unexpected situation, actually. All day, I kept telling myself - "Self, we're going to the gym today, no matter what". Then, during coughs and sneezes, I heard a voice say "Skipping the gym isn't the end of the world - you've been doing very well with your eating, so you shouldn't feel so guilty about giving yourself another few days to get over your allergy problems".

At first, I thought it was Negative Me swooping in to reign some sweet talking in. What better way to get out of going to the gym than by convincing myself that I'm still too sick, right? But, then I realized it wasn't Negative Me - it really was Warrior Princess.

How did I know? How can I not be sure that Negative Me isn't doing a really good job of trying to make me feel good about not working out?

Well, first - you do realize that I'm talking about 2 completely made up psuedo personalities, right? I don't really have seperate entities living in my head calling all the shots - as much as I like to believe or convince myself that I do.

I realized that when Negative Me is running the show, the dialogue is a lot different. Negative Me is whiney. "You're too tired to work out". "Just go home, you know you don't really want to work out - it will be a waste of your time". That's the type of spill Negative Me gives me.

Today was different. The voice wasn't whiney or pathetic. It was strong. It was powerful. Think Mr. Miogi in Karate Kid. The voice reminded me how I had eaten very well, I'd drank plenty of water, I had been making good decisions about skipping out on temptations. The voice also reminded me how bad things could get if I went to the gym and started having an asthma attack - which could definitely happen, being that my chest is still pretty rattily.

Last week, my allergies were so bad I had was having 2-3 breathing treatments a night. I was waking up in the middle of the night in full asthma attack mode. I was having to sit down after being on my feet for only a few minutes, because I was so winded.

This week, I am down to 1-2 breathing treatments a night. I slept all night last night for the first time without having to do a treatment. Although, I did have to have a treatment before I went to bed. I am able to be on my feet most of the day - but the wheezing starts to appear around 4PM.

I'm better this week, but still not 100%. Being that all of my problems are in my chest, it makes perfect sense to give myself another few days...a week even. I don't want to aggrevate the healing. Yes, my allergies are what are causing the asthma attacks and chest problems and coughing - but working out will only add insult to injury.

I truly don't feel like I'm making up an excuse. This is my health. This is serious.

So, Warrior Princess is in full glory. As long as I stick to my eating regimen, drink all of my water, I'll be OK for another couple of days. I'm not going to gain weight if I'm eating right and not going to the gym. I may not lose much, but I understand that - and I'm OK with it.

OK, going to have some dinner and then think about watching Biggest Loser. It's week one of Makeover Week - I wish I was more excited. It's usually my favorite episode of the season... but this season? Dreading it! I don't want to see a bunch of non-deserving, whiney babies get anything for free. But I'll suck it up. I have to if I'm going to do this week's BL recap, right?

Till next time. ;)

Joanna
a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Time For a New Mantra - And No April Fools About It

Dear Diary....

Happy April Fools Day!!  I don't plan on having any pranks played on me today, neither do I plan on playing any pranks - but if you are...enjoy!!

Also, I need to wish P-Momma a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!  It's the one birthday each year I can actually remember without having Facebook or my calendar to remind me.

So, today is April 1st.  The beginning of a new month.  A realization that three whole months have passed since I declared that I was in it to win it this year.  And a realization that I'm heavier now than I was three months ago.  That sux!

There is exactly 46 days and 6 hours until the end of school this year.  Not like I'm counting or anything.  But that also means I have 46 days and 6 hours to get back in to my size 16 pants.  It may sound like a lot - but in perspective, it's only a month and 16 days.  YIKES!!

On January 1st, I dedicated a new mantra to my life - NO LIMITS.  The purpose was to free myself from strict goals and let myself soak in success rather than setting myself up for failure.  As you can see, that didn't work out so well.  I've been a little too free.  I'm not soaking in any success, I'm looking at a scale that reads higher than it did when I released myself from limits. 

So, it's back to the limits for me...and developing a new mantra.  I thought long and hard about what word could properly describe my situation.  I've been struggling - that's no surprise.  I haven't been able to fall in to a routine that keeps me away from the mindless eating and lack of exercise.  I have a lot of barriers and walls standing in my way.

There's only one word that can help me through all of that:  OVERCOME!

It's time to overcome.  Overcome the struggles, the barriers, the excuses, the lack of motivation.

I just love the quote associated with the picture I decided to use for my mantra.  "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey".  Isn't that the truth?  Falling further and further away from my goal brings about a lot of pain - and it's time to use that pain to fuel me for my journey.

There will be more than my weight loss struggles standing in my way over the next 6 weeks.  The struggles of job hunting.  Yep.  In two weeks, it will be that time... time to start reaching out to principles and begging them to give me an opportunity to fulfill my life long dream.  I will have to overcome the fear.  The stress.  The agony.  And the waiting.

While many people are looking towards these next six weeks as a downward slope to the end of the school year - and the time to relax - I'll be looking at the next six weeks as an uphill battle, a climb to the top, a vigorous journey.  Before there will be any relaxing or celebrating the coming of the summer - I must first focus on overcoming the battle of my ever expanding waistline and the battle of finding that job.

I spent a good part of yesterday morning finishing up and tweaking my resume and portfolio.  It's ready and eager to be sent out to the school districts.

I spent a good part of yesterday thinking about getting my summer clothes to fit.  What I have to do to accomplish that goal.  Lots of exercise, lots of eating right.

I also spent some time wondering how I can merge the two.  I have to find a way to use the pain that I know will eventually come from the job hunt to fuel the journey of getting my waistline to shrink small enough to fit in to smaller pants.  That was a more difficult task.

I recollected my thoughts from this time last year.  This time last year, I weighed 212lbs.  Can you believe it?  I was fierce back then.  I loved the person I had become.  But then, of course, I stepped in to job hunting mode - and that consumed my every waking minute.  This year, I get to do it all over again - but I can take what I learned last year and apply it.

Rather than come home feeling defeated and dive in to a bag of cookies, I can head to the gym and work off some frustration on the elliptical or by lifting some weights.  Or, if my allergies start to get a little better, I can go for a 4 or 5 mile walk.  Maybe, I can use my frustration to fuel running again.  Boy, did I love me a hard frustration release run last year.  The whole time I did nothing but practice interview questions in my head - and before I knew it, I'd been running for 12 minutes.  Would love to go back to that again.

For the next 46 days, I'm sticking to the detox plan.  A semi-modified version anyway.  White flour and sugar are going to be a big no-no.  I will, however, be allowing myself whole grain breads and pastas - eventually.  I'll be sticking to a 1400-1600 calorie per day diet - modified to a 1600-1800 calorie intake on days I burn more than 200 calories exercising.  Which, I hope to do almost every day.

This week, I have no after school activities planned.  That means there's absolutely no reason I can't go to the gym.  Even if my allergies are acting up - I am determined to go and do some light work.  I will also be adding yoga in to my routine EVERY SINGLE MORNING.  If I get up at 4am and do yoga for 20-30 minutes, I'll still have plenty of time to get on here and write my blog before the angels get out of bed.

So, my plan of action is in place.  I have the tools I need to succeed.  It's now all about overcoming the barriers that have prevented me from succeeding - and overcome I shall.

Till next time. ;)

A Glimpse In To A Crystal Ball?

Dear Diary...

Sorry for being MIA yesterday.  I slept late - mainly because I'd been up half the night.  Once I got up, it was too late to write my blog.  Then, when I got home, I passed out on the couch.  I was exhausted.  I've only been getting a few hours sleep - interrupted sleep - for the past several nights, and it finally all caught up to me.

The allergies that I'm dealing with are by far the worst I've had to deal with in years.  In fact, the last time I remember it being this bad was when I was pregnant with Jelly - and I had to be rushed to the hospital because I was having a full blown asthma attack...and the allergies in my chest ended up turning in to pneumonia.  Thankfully, I have a nebulizer now.  So, when I had an asthma attack the other night - I was able to take care of it without making a trip to the ER.   It's scary stuff. 

I know that I'm suffering so bad because of the lame excuse of a winter we had.  No snow.  Hardly any temps below freezing.  It was a mild winter, that is now causing havoc on my system.  Nothing had a chance to completely die out or freeze over.  And now people wonder why I love harsh winters so much.  Because harsh winters lead in to mild springs - and mild allergy seasons.

Thursday, after work, Peanut and I hung out together because we were attending a fundraising event at my school.  We had some time to kill, so we grabbed a bite to eat and then made a run to Wal-Mart.  As I was walking around, I had to use the cart to lean on.  I had to walk slowly, focusing on my breathing.  I had to make several stops to rest - because I was getting winded and didn't want to aggravate my chest.  I knew that all of these problems were a result of my allergies - but I also started thinking about something else.  Something that started to scare me a little....or a lot.

As I was walking around wheezing and heaving - I started to wonder if this is what life would be like if I continued to gain weight.  I remembered being close to 300lbs and how winded I got walking from the car to the store, walking up a small flight of stairs, and how it felt the first time I tried walking at the track for 15 minutes.  What if I gained all of my weight back, and went back to the life where walking small distances made me so tired?  What if I gained even more weight and got to the point where I had to slowly walk around Wal-Mart taking several breaks, lean on the cart for support, or like I've run a marathon just walking back to my car?

The whole time, an inner voice was screaming at me that the way I was feeling was not related to my weight whatsoever.  Yet at the same time, a small, shy voice was mentioning how my feelings and symptoms could be equated to looking through a crystal ball showing me what my future has in store. 

If things don't change in my life, and I don't stick to my goals and actually make them happen, then I could be getting a run-through or trial period of what life could be like.  I've gained 30lbs since last summer - around 6 months.  So, if I continue to gain the same amount of weight...around 60lbs in a year...and do some quick math... I could weigh 420lbs in three years!  I was barely able to walk for 15 minutes when I weighed 297lbs... I can't even imagine what I wouldn't be able to do if I weighed more than 400lbs.

Of course, I'm being very dramatic and unrealistic.  I hope.  But it's still enough to make me sit and ponder.  When I was between 210lbs and 215lbs, I was able to run continuously for close to 3 miles.  I was fitting in to size 16 pants - and they were pretty loose on me.  I felt 100% better about myself.  I was full of energy.  I tried things and dared to do stuff I didn't think I could do. 

Look how much damage has been done by only gaining 30lbs of it back.  I'm back to only being able to jog in 60 second intervals.  Thirty minutes on the elliptical feels like an eternity.  The size 18 pants I've been wearing are getting tighter by the day - and I'm much more comfortable in a size 20.  I'm a lot more tired at the end of the day.  Everything that I was so proud of has vanished...with the return of a mere 30lbs.

As much as I hate what my allergies are doing to me, I'm also kinda thankful - in a way.  I know that not being able to go to the gym this week has bothered me immensely.  I hate being in a situation where I can't work-out.  It's so different when I chose not to - but having the ability to make that decision for myself is killing me.  I've found myself actually craving the gym, craving a jog, craving the ability to be active.  And I've only been without if for a few days.  It all makes me want to smack the tar out of me for all those times I was too lazy to do some exercise.

I have no idea how long my seasonal asthma will last.  Could be a week. Two weeks.  A month.  Two months.  I know that when my allergies were this bad the last time - I was out of commission for at least a month.  That's a long time.  I can't sit around that long - I just can't.  The Race for the Cure is next month - I may only be walking it this year - but I'll be doing it, no matter what. 

I've decided that next week, I may go to the gym and spend 15-30 minutes lifting some weights or trying to find something that's not too cardio heavy.  One thing I know I can do - and will be starting this weekend - is Yoga.  I've been telling my buddy Jenn how I've been planning on getting back to it - and Yoga is the one exercise that's recommended for people that suffer with seasonal asthma (or asthma in general) because the whole practice is focused on breathing.    

Also, I have to remember that just because I can't exercise too much doesn't mean I can't eat right.  In fact, eating right is more important than ever now that I'm so restricted on the exercise I can do. 

So, despite how scary this week has been or how crappy I feel - it has helped me.  I'm able to take away a very valuable lesson from it all.  I must lose the weight.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  My health, my future, and my life depend on it.  I don't want to imagine a life where exercise, being active, and having the ability to do it aren't feasible.  That just can't happen.  Taking care of myself is so important - and apparently it took something as extreme as this to really engrave it in to my brain.

This weekend, I'll be locked in my house.  I'll be in the comfort of my AC.  I'll be trying some light yoga, watching what I eat, and making a plan of action for when my allergies are under control enough to get me back to where I can work-out to my full potential. 

I still plan on being back in my size 16s by May 17th.  I can do it.  I know I can - I just had to have a look in to a crystal ball to show me what the alternative could be.  And I've got the message loud and clear.

Till next time. ;)

Embracing the Triggers...Even the Ones You Don't Like Talking About

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling much better this morning.  It was a rough day yesterday.  I had trouble keeping my eyes open for most of the day.  When I got home, I passed out on the couch for about 30 minutes before dinner.  After dinner, I started to feel a little better - more awake.  I ended up staying up until almost 10 - after watching Biggest Loser and reading another chapter in the book I'm reading.  Before I went to sleep, I decided to give myself a breathing treatment - and that really helped let me drift off to sleep quickly...and I stayed that way all night. 

Being sick - even if it is allergies - just takes every bit of strength out of my system.  Both physically and mentally.  I'm so hard on myself.  I haven't been to the gym this week.  I told myself that I wasn't going to allow any excuses - but I'm pretty sure that not being able to breath is a good excuse.  I hope?  I was literally wheezing and catching my breath just walking down the hallway at work yesterday. 

I have seasonal asthma, and it usually only really bothers me for a week or two each year.  It comes at the time that all the blossoms come out on the trees, and after we have all of the April showers.  Well, being that it rained the ENTIRE week last week - I'm in pollen grand central station right now.  I'm hoping it's just the shock to my system that's causing the asthma symptoms to happen so quickly and heavily and once my body adjusts a little - I'll be able to get back to my sneezy, watery eyed, but able to breath normally self. 

If dealing with my allergies and not being able to go to the gym wasn't enough - Aunt Flo also decided to show up yesterday.  You all know how much I love her, right?  Yep.  The evil witch is here, in full force.  When she comes she brings cravings, mood swings, and laziness - her closest friends - along for the visit.  If my allergies weren't making me lazy enough, Aunt Flo will be sure that she has a hand in completely keeping my behind on the couch for the five to seven days she's here. 

Laziness I can tolerate the most.  As long as I'm able to keep cravings and mood swings at bay.  And, well, come on... my track record shows how well that goes down.  It never fails that I start the excuse train each time AF is here - and I start cramming down the sweets, the salty, and then snapping anyone's head off that says a thing about it. 

Yesterday, she won.  I ate two cupcakes.  Not just one.  Two.  That were brought in for a child's birthday.  I could have stopped at one.  Heck, I could have gracefully declined all together - but no, I caved.  Needless to say, I went over my calorie intake by 345 calories yesterday giving me a grand total of 1815 calories consumed.

During my self loathing and self pity party that I threw myself last night, all I could think about was why I always let AF win - and how much I hated it when she's here.  Then, I remembered reading something in the Savor book about embracing the triggers.  My plan for helping overcome cravings was putting myself through a strict detox.  I was successful for the week I did the detox.  I told myself that I'd keep doing it - but a week off for spring break put the dampers on that.  Then, I told myself I'd pick up where I left off once going back to work.  Only two days in, and I'm talking about eating cupcakes - two days in a row.

I'm not going to quote the book word for word, but I remember reading that when I fight my triggers that set me in to an emotional eating frenzy - I end up losing.  The losing, or failure comes from the fact that I tell myself that it's the triggers that are making me eat.  It's the triggers that are causing my moments of weakness.  It's a cycle of excuses that I let my body go through.  The weakness is in the failure - or allowing myself to blame the triggers.  The only way to cope with the triggers is by embracing them.  Understanding that they'll always be there.  Learning to find ways to live with them without self destructing each time they appear.  If I continue to let AF be the excuse that I mindlessly eat when she's here - she'll always win.  Embracing her when she's here, and feeding my body healthy foods - that keep me energized and full - can alleviate some of the weakness I feel.

My mind was on a mission when I started the detox.  The mission was to eat mostly fruits and vegetables.  The mission was to keep sugar and white flour out of my system.  My mission was to test my palette with foods I wasn't accustomed to.  And the main mission?  To help overcome the cravings and overeating that happens whenever I get the slightest sniff of unhealthy food.

Yesterday, I really got to see how bad sugar affects me.  Instead of opting for my bowl of Kashi cereal for breakfast - I ate a granola bar.  Granola bars have sugar in them.  Real sugar.  A lot of it, too.  For the entire day after that, I was hungry.  Then I ate a Smart Ones lunch.  Low calories - but pasta as the main ingredient.  Can we say craving coma?  Not only had I eaten sugar, but then I followed it up with pasta.   No wonder by the time the birthday cupcake celebration came around - I was unable to control my urge to eat not one, but two cupcakes.  It wasn't Aunt Flo that did that to me - it was the sugar! 

So, I know I'm rambling on with all this and moving in about a thousand different directions.  What's the point of all this excuse banter?  Well, I have to embrace the fact that it's not AF that causes my time of the month self destruction.  It's the fact that I've got so used to having an "out" each time she's here.  I've created the excuse in my head.  I've personified the normal cycle a woman goes through each month.  I've given it this strange super power - as if it were a real person inside my head that arrives with a full suitcase and wants nothing more than to wreck havoc on my week.  Did you read the first part of this blog?  I call it Aunt Flo, for heaven's sake.  I referred to it as if it were a real person.. I did that!  And I really do have an Aunt Flo - and I'm sure she'd cringe after reading something as silly as this.

Each month, I have a period.  Period.  Yes, it messes with my hormones.  Yes, it causes bloating.  Yes, it's more than likely I'll retain water for a few days.  But that's it.  There's no little person inside of me demanding that I feed her cake and ice-cream and chips.  There's no evil Aunt that demands I do nothing more than sit on the couch.  I may feel moody - that will be the hormones.  I may get grouchy - that'll be the bloating causing my clothes to fit tighter.  But the urge to eat everything in sight?  That's all me.  That's me saying - "Hey! You have the perfect excuse to mindlessly eat yourself in to a sugar coma.  You can pretend that your period is making you do it!  Just make it sound like your period is an evil entity living inside of your head with some kind of crazy psycho mind control abilities, and no one will notice how crazy stupid it sounds."  It sounds stupid now, right?  But in reality, that's exactly what I've done for the past gazillion years since my period first started.

Today, the AF excuse will be embraced.  I'm going to embrace and accept the trigger.  It's going to arrive each month for probably the next twenty years.... I've just got to get used to it at some point.  I'm back on my detox - again.  There will be no more sugar or flour or pasta or bread entering my body for a while.  Probably a long while.  A week wasn't near long enough.  I want to get in to a size 16 by May 17th.  This eating plan can only help that goal.  This eating plan will help me stay energized so that (when I'm able to breath normally again) I can get back in to the gym and burn off tons of calories and help tone and shape my changing body. 

As my good friend, Jenn likes to say:  It's Day #1 Again!

Till next time. ;)

Old Habits Die Hard

Dear Diary...

Had another very successful day with my detox again yesterday.  That makes 3 days in a row I've eaten no white flour, white sugar, pasta, rice, bread, or fried anything.  And it feels pretty darn good. 

I have to tell ya that I'm feeling really good.  I haven't had any cravings since Sunday.  No wanting any sweets or chips or fried foods or anything bad for me.  I haven't even had a craving for bread - which is very weird for me.  Bread is always my fall back craving.  And I haven't wanted to touch a slice. 

I was actually worried about going to the gym to work out last night.  Not because I didn't want to.  Not because I was tired.  Because all I kept thinking about was eating back any exercise calories I burned off.  Being that this detox is keeping me under my calorie intake all by its self, I knew that I would have to eat back my exercise calories.  If I'm only eating around 1300 calories a day, and work off 300 in the gym - my body is only getting 1000 calories to energize its self.  I know that anything less than 1200 is dangerous.  I've seen enough nutritionists, doctors, and trainers to know that my body must have at least 1200 calories to fuel me.. and keep burning calories.  If I go less than that, I risk going in to starvation mode and my body will start retaining water and storing fat.  The complete opposite of what I want it to do.  I'm sure it would be fine for a day or two to... but I don't want to take any chances.

So, back to going to the gym.  I decided to go, and get on the elliptical for 20 minutes.  I knew that would give me a pretty decent cardio work-out, but only burn about 200 calories.  I know it sounds crazy, but I just didn't..no wait.. knew I couldn't eat back more than that. 

No joke, this detox has really helped keep me satisfied all day long.  I feel full after I eat.  I don't have the urge to eat a lot.  All I had for lunch, yesterday, was a bowl of steamed veggies, a Greek yogurt, and a pear.  And I was stuffed!  That full feeling lasted me to my snack time.  I ate baby carrots and hummus for my snack.  While I enjoyed every last bite of it - I was full, again, after eating that.  The thought of having to eat an additional 200 calories was a little scary.  I knew my dinner was going to keep me under my calorie range.  So, I opted to treat myself to a snack last night while watching Biggest Loser - a 1/4 cup of almonds.  High calorie, still good for me, and helped burn up those extra exercise calories. 

My goal was set to 1687 calories - after my workout.  I ate 1470.  I was still under my goal - by a little over 200 - but it kept me in a healthy range.  Nothing to worry about.  And while I was still over with my protein - it was only by 8... which is about the lowest its been all week.

When I woke up this morning, it was a little later than I'm used to.  5am, actually.  I'm used to getting up at 4.  I did go to bed early last night - and apparently my body needed the rest.  I slept like a baby and feel completely recharged today.  Of course, getting up, I knew it was Wednesday.  I was a little flustered by getting up late - so what did I do?  What I always do on a Wednesday morning - stepped on the scale.

It wasn't until after that I realized I'm not supposed to be weighing in this week.  I'm not supposed to be weighing in until April 4th.  It just goes to show how old habits die hard.  I'm not going to share the number with you.  Sorry, but I want to hold off until I'm supposed to weigh in.

What I can tell you is the detox is working.  Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea for me to step on the scale.  The number I saw surprised me a little.  No, make that a lot.  And it made me feel really good to see it.  It gave me reinforcement that I need to keep going.  What I'm doing is working.  It really gave me an additional boost of motivation - so it wasn't so bad to do it, I guess.  Although I've put the scale away now - like I said I would.  That will stop me from just idly standing on it without thinking about what I'm doing. 

I'm kinda thinking that I'm going to continue with the detox for longer than the 6 days.  And I need to stop calling it a detox.  Yes, that's what I'm using it for - to rid my body of the cravings - but it's also filling me with nutrition, health, and a better outlook about my eating habits. 

I still have a lot to learn about myself.  I want to see how long I can keep going by eating this way.  Maybe it's a couple of weeks, maybe it's a month.  I want to eventually start adding some stuff back in to my diet that I'm restricting myself from right now... but I'm not ready for that.  Plus, I need to learn a happy balance between eating healthy, being able to work out, and finding ways that I can make use of my exercise calories. 

I've decided, though, that this week's priority is just the eating.  If I'm getting in 20 minutes of cardio and a little strength training - fine - but that's going to be about it.  Let me get through this first stage - learning how to eat - and I'll move on to learning how to eat and exercise at the same time and not freak out about having to eat more. 

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

I confess that day 2 of my fruit and veggie detox went very well.  I'll admit that it was tougher being at work, because there is a lot more temptation looking me in the face - but I made it through A-OK.

I confess that my total caloric intake yesterday was 1379 - 91 calories under my limit!  I was still way over with protein, but everything else was below limit.  It's weird.  I stop eating so much meat, and end up finding other ways to pack on the protein.

I confess that I didn't go to the gym yesterday afternoon, and I have absolutely no excuse for it.

I confess that I'm excited that for this week only (starting today), I get to leave work about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do - which gives me an extra 15 minutes at the gym.  And despite not going yesterday, the thought of having those extra 15 minutes each day is exciting.

I confess that I just remembered I volunteered to help out after school tomorrow for a school function.  Which means there won't be any gym tomorrow.  Dang it!  Now I'm really ticked about not going yesterday.  Oh well, I get an extra 15 minutes today and Thursday at the gym.  That still gives me the equivalent of working out the normal time of three days.

I confess that I'm a little nervous about having to eat back my exercise calories.  And I may not, even though I'm supposed to.  That's simply because yesterday, I ate enough food to keep me full all day - and the thought of eating more than that is a little mind boggling.   Although, I'm an advocate for eating back my exercise calories - so maybe I'll treat myself to a yogurt for dessert after dinner, or maybe I'll eat a handful of almonds.  We'll see.

I confess that after only two days of eating clean, I already feel a lot more energetic.  Sunday night, I went to sleep pretty late - after 11pm actually.  I got up yesterday at 4:15am.  I was pretty tired for a while yesterday, but by the end of the day I felt much better.  I wasn't able to go to sleep last night until after 10pm, and I was up at 4:30 this morning.  I'm hoping my exercise will wear me out this evening - so I can go to bed earlier and get a decent night's worth of sleep.

I confess that while the rest of my family ate homemade burritos for dinner last night, I ate a heaping pile of veggies with a couple of spoonfuls of the burrito meat.  The plate didn't look very appetizing, but it tasted amazing.  I even snapped a pic...

That's a concoction of salad greens, salsa, burrito meat, natural guacamole, fat-free sour cream, onions, and peppers.  It looks terrible - but tasted fantastic.  Plus it was only 399 calories.  Which is probably a little over half of the calories of what everyone else in my house ate - except a lot more food.

I confess that my body is starting to feel different, already.  It made just be some mind play, but my body feels lighter.  Not once yesterday did I feel bloated or lethargic.  I felt lighter, more aware, and.. well... healthier.  I noticed a bounce in my step - even at the end of the day when I'm usually exhausted and ready to get home and get on the couch.   I'm enjoying the foods I'm eating.  My body is enjoying the foods being put in to it.  And, still considering I'm only 2 days in, I feel that I will get through this week being successful and eating clean.

Till next time. ;)

Day 1 Detox Results - And Other Stuff

Dear Diary...

Well, I made it through my first day of detox and I feel pretty good.  Of course, it's only been one day.  Still a way to go - but at least the first day was completed with good progress...although it wasn't perfect.  I know what you're thinking, I couldn't even make it through on day of detox without cheating?  While that's true - take a look at how I cheated before making rash assumptions, m'kay?

For breakfast yesterday, I had 3/4 cup of Kashi Go Lean Toasted Berry Crumble cereal and 1 cup of whole milk.  I LOVE the Kashi cereal.  It tastes yummy, and I know what every ingredient is in it.  There's no artificial or processed stuff or sugar...so it works for me. 

In between breakfast and lunch I had 8ozs of Acai Pomegranate 100% juice.  Non sweetened.  It was my first time trying this brand.  It had a great mixture of tartness and sweetness that made it very refreshing.

Lunch was where I cheated.  If you want to call it that.  I had two poached eggs and two slices of Sara Lee Multi-Grain 45 calorie bread.  I cheated because I'd sworn off bread for the entire week.  I wouldn't have eaten it, though, if it wasn't multi-grain.  I wasn't supposed to eat it - but there were MUCH worse things I could have eaten.  I bought a new microwavable egg poacher on Saturday, and I wanted to try it out.  It works really well, but that will be the last time I eat bread for the rest of the week.

I cheated again at dinner.  I know, not a great start for my very first day at a strict detox plan, but again in terms of "cheating" it was hardly pizza.  Hubby has recruited Peanut to start learning how to cook.  A couple times a month, she is going to get to pick any recipe she likes to make with Hubby's guidance.  Well, for her first time cooking she went straight to my Better Homes Healthy Choice cook book.  Gotta love her for that!  She picked out Fajita Salad bowls.  I had to go to Wal-Mart and pick up some more detox food, so I did that while she stayed home with Hubby to cook.

When I got home, I was greeted by this...

She made every part of it, and Hubby just chopped up the veggies.  She baked whole wheat tortillas to make the bowls, and then filled the bowls with fajita meat, peppers, salad greens, tomato, onion, fat-free sour cream, natural guacamole, and shredded cheese.  One bowl only has around 280 calories!!  I ate two for dinner, and ate less than 600 calories.  Again, as cheating goes - I ate the whole wheat tortillas.  But, I wasn't missing out on my daughter's first homemade meal - especially when she went to the trouble of finding something healthy to prepare.

The tortilla bowls were absolutely delicious!  They had the same feel as the fried bowls you can find on other taco salads - minus the greasy, dipped in fat taste.  All of the ingredients were fresh.  It was my first time eating natural guacamole.  I have a feeling it's going to be one of my new favorite foods!  I've only ever eaten the commercial dip kind that's full of all kinds of unknown ingredients, the natural kind was so much better.    The fajita meat was lean cut sirloin.  So, all in all, my daughter did a FANTASTIC job with her first cooking project.

Want to hear how many calories I consumed for my first day?  Drum roll, please..... My total caloric intake for yesterday was a whopping 1258.  That's 212 calories under my limit!  I did go over by 1 on my fat intake and 18 on my protein intake.  It's weird to see me go over my protein intake - it's almost always carbs that I go over with.

All in all, I consider the day a fantastic success.

When I went out to buy additional detox food, I didn't get a single urge to buy anything that wasn't on my detox food list.  And I was starting to get hungry when I went, too.  I had already bought tons of salad stuff the day before, but I needed more steamed veggies and snack foods.  I picked up about a gazillion bags of different forms of steamable veggies.  I picked up pears, apples, and baby carrots.  I also got some natural hummus to eat with the carrots.  And I got a bag of dry roasted, unsalted almonds.  Those will serve as a snack, maybe, sometime during the week.  I don't want to eat too many nuts while on my detox - but I figure unsalted almonds is the way to go if I do decide to eat some.

I must say that it was kinda exciting to think about how I'll be eating this week.  For some reason, the clean, almost vegetarian eating plan I have for myself gives me a lot of hope.  I don't feel scared.  I don't feel like I'll be depriving myself of anything.  Actually, I believe my body is going to love the shock to the system of nothing but this way of eating for a week. 

Of course, being at work will be the true test.  There's no doubt that this is going to be one crazy, hectic week being that it's the week before spring break.  I'm going to need all my strength to avoid any sweet treats or comfort foods that may get in my line of vision over the next 5 days.  I'm strong, though, and I'm determined to make it through.

Till next time. ;)

To Rid My Addiction, I'm Gonna Have to Face a Detox

Dear Diary...

I've had something on my mind these past couple of days.  Something I've been considering.  Thinking about.  Researching a little.  Actually a lot. 

This past week has been absolutely TERRIBLE in terms of eating and exercising.  I've worked out in the gym once since last Sunday.  I've also eaten out at restaurants or grabbed fast food three days since last Sunday - and ate leftover pizza for dinner yesterday which technically makes it four days. 

This crazy week has messed with my head.  Big time.  I've been very busy, and in times when I'm so busy I just don't think about what I could eat that would be healthier for me - I just eat what I can when I can...and that almost always ends up being some form of fast food.  Even when I told myself that I'd eat from the salad bar while my kids ate pizza at Chuck E. Cheese, once the pizza was in front of me - I just couldn't help myself. 

It's no surprise, and I'm not admitting this for the first time, but I'm a food addict.  I am addicted to food.  A person that is a drug addict can say that they're going to give up drugs - but in order for them to actually rid themselves from the drugs - they have to go through detox.  That got me thinking.  In order for me to get over my food addiction, I too have to go through a detox.  I have to shed my body of the remnants of the junk in my system, put nothing but clean stuff in to it, and retrain my system to only crave and desire the good stuff much more than it craves the nasty junk.

I've openly admitted that I'm no fan of fad diets or strict diet regimens.  My junk loving brain has programmed me to shy away from any type of "plan" that promises to rid my body of the desire to crave junk foods.  But, when I think about those drug addicts again, I'm pretty sure all of them are dealing with a brain that has been programmed to reject any form of help for ridding their bodies the desire to get rid of the drugs.  When they do decide to try to give up the drugs, their body goes through a nasty detox process.  They suffer from shakes and fever and nausea and vomiting.  It's not a fun process, but if they are able to stick to it - they can finally start to break free from the hold that drugs have on them. 

Thankfully, for me, food detox doesn't involve any of the nasty side affects that drug detox has.  I am able to reprogram my body and mind by spending a few days ridding my body of the waste and replacing it with the good.  And, in the process, training my brain that the good stuff is much more beneficial than that bad stuff ever was.

So, I'm guessing you've figured out where I'm going with this, right?  Yes, I'm going to try a detox plan.  Nothing crazy.  No drinking strange, awful tasting concoctions.  No starving myself.  Not gonna spend days having fluids only.  Not going to take pills.  I'm going to detox myself by eating mostly fruits, veggies, and unprocessed foods for six days - starting today and ending Friday.

I went grocery shopping yesterday to prepare.  I still have a few things left to buy - but it was a start.  Basically, for the next six days I'm not going to eat any pasta, bread, sugar, white flour, or fat (other than healthy fat).  I will also be limiting my dairy intake to only involve a cup of milk a day, yogurt, and fat-free cheese.  I will be eating no more than 1 serving of meat per day, and it will be lean meat only.

The only foods that I will consume for the next six days are Kashi Natural cereal, Whole grain oats, fresh veggies, steamed veggies, fruit, 100% unsweetened fruit juice, eggs, 1 serving of lean meat per day, olive oil, unprocessed guacamole, Greek yogurt, whole milk, a very small amount of fat-free cheese, and flax seed. That's it.  All of the foods provide the carbohydrates, proteins, and fats my body needs - without any processed sugars, flour, or "bad" fat.  I won't be depriving myself of anything.  I'll be getting the calories needed to reach my caloric intake each day.  And that is key with these types of "detox" plans. 

You will notice I put whole milk on that list.  According to Dr. Oz, there is very little evidence to support that whole milk is worse for you than skim milk.  Skim milk has less fat, but it also has more natural sugar due to the processes it undergoes to remove the fat.  As long as I only drink 1 glass of whole milk a day, I'm just fine.

My hope and goal with this plan is that my body will start to reboot.  It will begin to adjust to the benefits that eating clean can do for it.  And, if after 6 days I don't believe I've reached that goal - meaning if the first thing I start thinking about is eating a cheeseburger - then I haven't gone long enough, and the detox will continue. 

The research I've done all says that this type of detox plan is NOT harmful to the body - or harmful if used on a long term basis.  Basically, I could live the rest of my life eating this way - and I'd be just fine.  That's not my goal, however.  As strange as it may sound, I don't want to spend the rest of my life eating mostly fruits and veggies all day long.  My only goal in all of this is that I can start being more mindful about my food choices, and get over some of the junk food cravings.  I want my brain to learn to love the taste of fruits and veggies - and not like the taste of bread, pasta, and sweets so much.  I still want to be able to eat those things, however, just in much more moderation. 

Hubby made a meal plan out for this week, so this week I won't be tempted near as much by fast food or eating at restaurants.  I'm feeling very confident that I can make it through this week - excited in fact.  It's going to be a challenge, I'm sure, but it will make the whole process a lot more meaningful in the end.

I will openly admit that I weighed in this morning - just to get an idea how much damage I've done this week.  This is not an official weigh-in (thank goodness).  The scale said 246lbs.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.  Can you believe that?  The sad part is, I can.  I totally deserve those added pounds this week.  And even though I'm going to stick with not "officially" weighing in until April 4th - I will be checking my weight this time next week, just to see how much of an affect my clean eating has on me.  It may just be the motivation I need to keep the plan going for another week.  We'll see.

Till next time. ;)

Good Bye Weigh In Wednesday!!

Dear Diary...

That's it.  I've made the decision.  I'm saying goodbye to the scale - for a month!  For the next four weeks, I'm ditching the weekly weigh-ins and letting my body have more time to adjust and lose some weight.  I won't weigh again until April 4th - which is 4 weeks from today.

So, what caused this sudden decision to be made?  The fact that I'm sick and tired of standing on the scale each week and seeing such a drastic gain...when I know it's inaccurate.  Last week, I weighed in at 241.6lbs.  That was after a loss of 2.8lbs from the week before.  This week?  I stand on the scale and see 244.6lbs.  A gain of 3lbs that is so absurd I can't even think straight.

Yes, I've made some poor food choices this week.  But I've also been logging everything I've eaten - and I know that I haven't eaten 10,500 calories OVER what my body is naturally burning and what I'm burning during my work-outs.  In fact, the past week, I've eaten a total of 13,569 calories - which averages around 1900 calories a day.  And that's not even considering any working out I did - like the almost 600 calories I burned on Sunday with my walk.  Yes, it's over my recommended intake - but not 3lbs worth. It's ridiculous.  But, of course, when I see that gain I immediately start freaking out and getting all upset.  You know what that leads to, right?  Ah ha.  More freakin' eating!

Not today, my friends!!  Yeah, I was pissed when I saw the number on the scale this morning - but I wasn't pissed at the number.  I was pissed at how inaccurate it was and how I was forcing stress upon myself by doing something like that.  I momentarily thought about replacing the scale with measurements.  I know that going by measurements is more accurate than using the scale.  But then I thought, well, what if I don't see a change in the measurements each week?  Won't that make me flip out just as much as I do when I see that stinkin' number on the scale each week?  Probably.  So, I'm not doing that either.

For the next four weeks, I'm going to be using nothing but counting calories, working out, and devoting myself to recognizing triggers and stress factors that cause me to eat - mindlessly.  That's the name of the game right now - mindless eating.  It's what my book is all about.  And until I can start controlling my urges, finding healthier ways to cope with stress, and identifying my triggers - I can't rely on the scale to provide the support I need to get me through.

I told you that this book is going to be mentioned - a lot - while I'm reading it.  I just love the fact of how it poses weight loss as a practice... like yoga, for example.  It's a guide to making my weight loss efforts a way of life.  Cleansing my body not only of the harmful toxins I pump in from junk food, but also the toxins I pump in to it with stress, anxiety, fear, and frustration.  It combines spiritual energy with physical energy.  And while I don't mean to come off sounding all Zen like - that's really how I have to look at it.  I have to be at peace with myself before I can ever get to the point where I'm at peace with losing weight - and doing the work to get there.

There's no doubt in my mind that the next four weeks will be tough.  I'm addicted to that damn scale just as much as I am the junk food.  It's become a nasty habit that will take some time for me to get over.  The scale just can't sit without being touched - it has to be put away...somewhere where I won't be constantly reminded or urged to stand on it.  But each time I get the urge, I just have to remind myself that I want to be surprised at the end of the four weeks.  I want to see more accurate results. I need to give my body more time to adjust.  I just have to remind myself that the waiting is worth it - and good things come to those that wait, right?

I will be continuing to put money in my Reward Jar each week that I work out at least 3 times and log my food each day. I earned another $5 this week for logging every single day.  On Wednesdays, I'll update how I did with my working out and logging - and then reward myself based on that.  It will be a very nice change to see some money going in to the jar and staying in the jar - without having to worry if I'm going to lose it based on my weight.

I'm going back to the gym today.  The first time in almost a week.  I want to do my circuit training.  I've had a lot of on my plate (no pun intended) the past couple of days that have prevented me from working out - but today I can make up for a little of that by really pushing myself this afternoon.  I have to remember that if I can't work out every single day - I better damn well make the most of it when I can.

Tomorrow, I'll be doing my Biggest Loser recap - and it will be full of some surprising information.  Some stuff happened last night that has made me reconsider some of my opinions.  Do I still think this season is terrible?  Yes.  But some things are starting to change.

Till next time. ;)

Going to Try to "Savor" the Moment

Dear Diary...

Tuesday nights, I get on Twitter and keep up with the Twitter chat for Biggest Loser.  This week, while reading everyone's comments - I also moseyed on through my regular feed to see what's going on with everyone.

Twitter is one of those things that I just haven't been able to get in to like a lot of people have.  I get on there occasionally to see what everyone is up to.  But I'll admit, it's mostly become my go-to place to visit only when I want to catch up on what people are saying about the current week's episode of Biggest Loser.  Being that I consider myself pretty "social" when it comes to social networking - Twitter is just one bandwagon I haven't been able to climb aboard.  Although, anyone that is a friend on my personal Facebook account will also see that I haven't gotten on there much lately, either.

Anywho, this week I wasn't just following the BL chat I was also running through other status updates.

This week, I noticed a new chat taking place - a virtual book club.  I'm not sure if it was a new chat - probably not.  It's probably better for me to say that I noticed a chat taking place that I'd never noticed before.  I'd say about 90% of the people I follow on Twitter are people on a weight loss journey of some kind.  I follow them for a reason - to keep up with what they're doing and trying..and if any of it works.  I'm not sure why the virtual book club chat jumped out at me - but once I started reading a few messages, I just had to find out the source of the book and read everyone's comments.  So I did a little search and wala, I had the book club chat filtered.

The book they were discussing was Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life by Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr. Lilian Cheung  The first is a Buddhist Zen Master and the latter a doctor who specializes in nutrition.  At first I thought it was a strange coupling - but after reading some of the comments about the book, I was intrigued.

Some of my long-time followers may remember a spat that took place a little over a year ago when I got very interested in balancing mind and body - after reading Eat, Pray, Love.  That was a time in my life where I rekindled my relationship with yoga and meditation and tried to explore my emotional eating triggers, etc.  For the time that I was focused on this Zen-like way of thinking, I was more aware of my surroundings, more aware how to release stress, and was definitely more aware of my emotional eating behaviors.

Getting back to what I was talking about - the next day, I went and bought Savor.  Just like that.  Without really doing much research or digging deeper into what the book was about.  I just read the comments that praised the messages the book had about connecting mind and body, using meditations, and having the tools to make mindful food choices and BAM I was in Barnes & Noble picking up my copy.

The book chat coincidentally took place the same night after hearing from my therapist that I have a lot of fixing to do with myself.  I figured what better way to start working on fixing myself than having a therapist, a Zen Master, and a doctor of nutrition giving me advice, right?

So, I've decided to take on Savor and give it a go.  I've been told it's a pretty dense read, but full of great information.  I've only made it through the first couple of pages of the introduction, but it's already speaking to me.  I've already read that the book isn't a dieting book or a lose weight fast book.  It's a book that teaches how to make mindful choices when it comes to food, and other aspects of life.

It's funny, but just a couple of days ago, I was on a wonderful blog (Day #1 Again - go check it out, it's fantastic!) and Jenn, the author, was explaining that she was going to be trying Yoga for the first time.  I left her a comment about how I loved yoga, and didn't know why I wasn't do it anymore.  She immediately followed up with a comment telling me I should be doing it if I really loved it that much - and she was right.  Then, practically the same day, I get all involved with finding this book and reading it and getting back in touch with my spiritual aspect to my weight loss journey.  I believe in signs, and I think that was definitely one.

I have always had this belief that weight loss isn't just physical - it's very mental.  When your mind is out of balance, your body will be also.  Yoga, as a practice not just an exercise, and meditation have always been two things I'm pretty good at - and have helped when I've used them.  So, I think it's time I rekindle my relationship with them both.  Again.  I've got to add more to my goals than just logging my food, keeping up with my calorie intake, and working out as often as I can.  I've got to add the part where I work on the struggles that make me mindlessly eat.  The things that stress me out - and cause me to mindlessly eat.  And letting go of failures from my past - that when I think about them, make me mindlessly eat.

I put myself in to a semi-meditative state while at the gym last night.  I got on the elliptical, and about 10 minutes in I was exhausted.  Not surprising.  I've only worked out once on the elliptical this year - and that was over a week ago.  I was pushing for 30 minutes, and I just didn't know if I was going to be able to do it.  So, I put my earplugs in, tuned in to the TV, and completely ignored what I was doing.  I just kept moving my legs and diverting my attention to the TV screen.  Before I knew it, my 30 minutes were up - and I was still alive.  It just goes to show what I can accomplish when I don't focus on the pain - and just push through it by occupying my mind with something else.

I'm not going to the gym tonight because I have to hurry home to get Peanut to my parent's house.  This weekend, though, I'm thinking some running and yoga may make an appearance.  Oh, and some reading - of course.

TGIF!!

Till next time. ;)

Call Me a Loser All You Want! - Weigh In Time!

Dear Diary...

For pretty much the first time since the beginning of the year - and starting this journey over yet again - I was actually looking forward to this morning's weigh in.  You may need to read that again just to be sure I said what you actually thought I said.  It's true.  I knew this week was going to be different.  No last minute excuses, no last minute explanations as to why I'm expecting to see a gain - none of that. 

Before I actually get to the numbers, though, I do have something to admit to you.  I didn't get to go meet Patrick House last night (Season 10's Biggest Loser).  No, let me rephrase that - I didn't go to meet Patrick House last night.  After getting out of Butter's therapy session - that was after 5pm - I was exhausted.  That's a terrible excuse, one that I regretted while driving home.  THEN, I got home, and saw that Patrick had posted to his Facebook that he was in L.A. filming.  Come to find out, he had to put off his appearance at my gym for a week cause he's in L.A. filming an episode of Biggest Loser.  I didn't miss him after all - and you can bet I'll be there next week.  No excuses!

So.  Let's get to those numbers, shall we?

On my first weigh in of the year, I weighed 239.8lbs.  Since that time, I've gained.  A lot.  Last week, getting up to 244.4lbs,  I decided to ditch my old ways and go back to basics.  I logged all my food, I counted calories.  Did it make a difference?  You tell me.  This week I weighed in at...241.6lbs!!!  That's a loss of 2.8lbs!!!

I'm very happy with that number.  Even though I made a few changes this week, I still made a few bad choices and skipped a few work-outs.  My immediate reaction was to think about how much more I would have lost if I had stuck to all of my goals and worked out more and didn't partake in the two moments of weakness and eat junk food.

But, then I told myself I'm not going to do that.  Losing almost 3lbs in a week is something to be very proud of - despite any mistakes I made.  Mistakes mean I have room for improvement.  They will most likely happen every single week - but as long as I can still pull numbers as great as this?  I'll be just fine. 

This week has really given me a different outlook on the whole process.  I can't believe I was such a naysayer about logging my food - but the proof is in the pudding, right?  I gave it a week, and the results of my week show how important that tiny step is in this whole process.  Done are my days of saying it's not important to count calories.  I was in idiot - I'm OK to admit that.  Now, I'm a loser... and I couldn't be more happier about that!  I am also going to use my food logging on my Reward Jar.  For every week I log all of my food - every day - I now earn a $5 bonus!

Along with making the change to logging my food, I am also going to be making a very huge step towards doing something I never thought I'd do.  I am going to start getting some counseling.  I'll admit that I have been taking a bit of an advantage of Butter's therapist.  Well, yesterday, he point blank called me out on it.  He could tell I was struggling.  He could tell that I needed him - for my own reasons, not just Butter's.  As much as I've tried to think otherwise, I have a lot of demons in my closet that I can't just let go by myself.  Holding on to my past - as much as I keep telling myself I don't - is affecting my weight, the way I parent, and my life in general.

I've been struggling a lot since Butter came out of the hospital with stepping back in to the role of a dominant parent figure towards Butter.  I coddle him.  I kept telling myself that if I approached him with nothing but love, he'd never want to be that boy that got him put in the hospital ever again.  And then, I admitted to the therapist my biggest fear:  I never want Butter to turn out like his bio-father.  What I thought to be a nothing more than a concern turned out to be the statement the therapist had been waiting for me to admit:  My past is affecting me.  Until I can let go of the guilt and frustration and mental anguish that man from my past put on me - and what I fear will develop in my son - I will never be able to give Butter what he truly needs.  I am basically enabling Butter to do the very thing I'm scared of happening.  The only way to fix that is by facing the issues head on - and now I'll have a therapist to help me through it.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be very tough on me.  There are going to be some major changes in my house.  I was given a list of things to do this week by my therapist, and some of those things scare me.  Some of those things are going to upset Butter - big time.  But, everything he's asked me to do is necessary.  One of my hardest tasks is going to be making a list of the fears I've overcome and the fears I still have.  The therapist is going to help me with as many as he can.  He's going to help me face my fears, and give me the tools to let go of my past, let go of my guilt, and stop worrying about who Butter may become.

There are so many factors that can play on weight gain and loss.  I'm quickly realizing that it's not just about what I eat and whether or not I work-out.  In order for my body to let go of the junk, my mind has to also let go of the junk.  It's something I'm prepared to do.  No, it's something I want to do - more than anything.  Just getting rid of the weight won't be enough.  I've already learned that lesson.  It will just come back.  Until I can get rid of the junk that causes me to mindlessly eat and sit on the couch rather than work-out, I have no hope.  But, I do have hope.  And hope is going to get me through.

My goals for today:

• Log my food
• Drink lots of water
• Work out at the gym

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Despite everything I'm about to say, I am pretty happy this week.  But, even on the good weeks, there's going to be some things that I need to get off my chest.  That's what I want my confessions to be for.  To just get things off my chest.  I don't know if there will ever come a time when I can write a blog post on Tuesday mornings and say "I have absolutely nothing to confess this week".  That would be nice, but as a very wonderful follower said yesterday in the comments, I'm striving for Progress, Not Perfection!

I confess that I have not been to the gym since last Tuesday.  Despite it being one of my goals Thursday and Friday.  Wednesday, I explained that in a post - and then I repeated the same stuff on Thursday and Friday.  I chose to go shoe shopping instead, even after shopping for shoes Wednesday afternoon.  Friday, I was just tired.

I confess that, even though it was one of my goals to go walking on Saturday, I didn't.  I chose to go get my hair cut, do grocery shopping, and return shoes I no longer wanted.  Sure, I walked around stores... but it's not the same.  That doesn't count.

I confess that I made myself go jogging/walking on Sunday.  When I got dressed, I deliberately put my work-out clothes on.  Even when I had decided to go play bingo, and realized that my jogging/walking my hinder that - I chose to take my chances.  The 2.85 miles I completed were tough.  Especially the first 30 minutes when I completed week one of C25K.  My calves were screaming at me the entire time - but I just kept hearing a voice scream "push passed the pain" and I did.  

I confess that I was not able to avoid the junk food at bingo on Sunday.  This is going to sound stupid, but, I deliberately didn't ask for extra cash when buying my bingo books - cause I knew I'd end up buying food.  Then, and here's the stupid part, while I was playing the first games I told myself that if I won I'd buy myself something to eat.  Guess what happened next?  I won.  My first win of the night - $37.  Enough to buy me some food.  Instead of getting a salad or a sandwich I went to my weakness - chicken strips and fries.  Even though I was still slightly under my calorie goal for the day (thank goodness to the 300 calories I earned for my 2.85 mile walk) I know that it has affected my weight this week.

I confess that I stood on the scale Friday, even though I don't usually step on the scale any other days but Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Tuesdays because of my Biggest Loser weigh in at work, and Wednesdays for my official weigh in.  I wish I hadn't.  Because the number I saw then compared to the number I see now is significantly different.  The number on Friday was 2lbs less than what I saw this morning when getting a feel for what my BL weigh in would be like.  It goes to show that even staying under my calorie goal doesn't completely determine my loss.  Fried food is still fried food - and it's going to affect my numbers.

I confess that my "splurge" on Sunday wasn't the only splurge I had this week.  Friday night, Hubby and I took the kids to The Dixie Cafe for dinner.  I mentally told myself that I could have a "free night" because I had planned on doing some jogging/walking on Saturday and going to the gym on Sunday.  While I didn't make good choices with the food I ordered, I did stop eating when I was full.  That's a new thing for me.  I've been conditioned to eat what's on my plate - but Friday night, I just stopped when I reached the point of "fullness".  I'm sure that meal also has affected what I saw on the scale this morning - especially since I didn't hold up to the two days of exercise I'd planned on over the weekend.  I also believe it's one of the reasons I ate so little on Saturday - because I was trying to make up for the damage.  Lesson to be learned in that!

I confess that I have managed to go an entire week of logging my food and exercise in to My Fitness Pal.  That's a big deal, for me.  I've logged everything that went in to my mouth - good, bad, and ugly.  In those 7 days, I've only gone over my calorie goal 3 times - and it was by less than 300 calories each time.  I know that those 300 calories add up - but for my first week, I don't think it's too bad.

I confess that I'm so excited to get to meet Patrick House from the Biggest Loser this evening.  Even though I won't be able to work out - because of an appointment I have to take Butter to, just being able to say hi and maybe get a picture will be worth it.  He's been one of my most favorite Biggest Losers since watching the show - and I had the most success with my weight loss during his season. 

I confess that I didn't go to the gym, again, last night because of a doctor's appointment.  It was preplanned, though, so it's not like I skipped going.  This week will be kinda crazy, but I plan on getting my butt back on track with the gym on Wednesday. 

I confess that even though I feel like I had a pretty good week, it's obvious I still have a long way to go.  It's my goal this week to work on some of this stuff - and make sure it doesn't happen again.  It makes me wonder what my number on my scale would be like if I hadn't skipped the gym those few days.  It makes me wonder what the number would be if I hadn't eaten the junk I ate over the weekend.  There's only one way to find out - by not repeating the same mistakes.

So, that's it.  But, before I go, I have a favor to ask.  I am needing help for a friend.  Her name is Lacie.  She is a person I've worked with the past few months - and has grown to be a true friend.  She has a daughter, named Kenadee, who is 2.  Her daughter has mitochondrial disease.  It's a disease that affects Kenadee's entire body - both inside and out.  There's no way I could shed light on this family's heartfelt story - but I hope you would visit this link and read a little more about it.

Lacie, and her husband Dennis, want to take their precious angel to the beach.  It could very well be the only chance they have to do something like this.  I have never seen so much strength and love inside two people.  They devote their lives to giving Kenadee the best care, love, and support.  Lacie also spends 7 hours a day nurturing 25 third graders.  She is a true hero - and her husband deserves that badge of honor, too as he spends that time at home taking care of Kenadee.

I am trying to help Lacie and Dennis raise enough money to make their dreams come true - and take that trip to the beach.  If you can spare anything - $10, $20, more - and have a part in this, you have no idea how grateful I'd be.  I would also be forever grateful if you could share this story on your own blogs - and spread the word for me.  Please click here and help make their dreams come true!

Till next time. ;)